Frasier Season 4 Episode 7 A Lilith Thanksgi Ving
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00:00Hello? Yes, Buck, it's Dr. Crane. I'm calling to see if the cabin is ready for us.
00:06You got the case of Montrachet? Good.
00:09And the Thanksgiving feast will be delivered promptly at three? Good.
00:15The woodpile's been thoroughly inspected for spiders?
00:19Excellent. Thank you.
00:22Well, we're ready to rough it in the great Northwest.
00:25You don't mind my asking. Are you taking anything along to keep your nephew amused?
00:32Yes, his grandfather.
00:35Oh, by the way, what time tomorrow are Frederick and Louis flying in?
00:39Her broom touch is down at 11.
00:44All right, now, when you missed the plants, be sure that the water is not too cold.
00:48I know I'm harping on and on about this, but I know that you're not used to dealing with delicate flowers.
00:53I've produced your show for three years, haven't I?
00:58I'll leave you a number at Niles' Cabin in case anything goes wrong.
01:02Oh, yes, and by the way, I frown on overnight guests.
01:05Then you're not doing it right.
01:12I'll leave you my number in San Francisco, too.
01:15You're not going to the cabin with them?
01:17No, no, Daphne's decided to spend a traditional Thanksgiving with her transvestite Uncle Jackie.
01:25Come on, Ross, I'll show you around the kitchen.
01:27So, uh, this uncle of yours, does he dress like a woman all the time?
01:31Oh, certainly not for work.
01:33His congregation would never stand for it.
01:35Uh, what's wrong?
01:42Oh, just a little depressed.
01:45This is my first Thanksgiving without Maris.
01:47Oh, yeah, I know, son, it's hard.
01:51Remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin pie in front of her and we all laughed?
01:57Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of it and we laughed some more.
02:06And then her eyes welled up with tears and we all knew it was time to stop.
02:13Well, if it makes you feel any better, I won't be having my dream Thanksgiving either.
02:18Why does Lilith have to tag along anyway?
02:20Well, she just didn't want to spend the holiday alone.
02:22Her husband is off in New Zealand exploring a volcano.
02:26Why couldn't she go with him?
02:27Well, because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the earth in two.
02:41As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze Mercury.
02:47Guys, let it go.
02:48Nobody's gonna win this one.
02:55Hello?
02:57Yes, Lilith.
02:59Yes, Lilith.
03:01Yes, Lilith.
03:02Gee, it's like they're still married.
03:05If you change the paper towels, he likes the flap facing the front.
03:09If you change the bathroom tissue, the flap faces the back.
03:12Don't ask me why.
03:13I don't know how you live with him.
03:16I don't know how you work with him.
03:18Well, I have learned a trick.
03:21When he's really bugging me, I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight.
03:25Before you know it, he's checking his butt out in the glass of the candy machine.
03:29Really?
03:31I tell him he's gained weight.
03:33He skips dinner, sulps in his room, and I'll have the whole evening to myself.
03:39Okay.
03:40You tell Frederick I said bravo.
03:44Frederick just passed the qualifying exam for the Marbury Academy.
03:48Huzzah!
03:52What is that?
03:53Some school?
03:55Some school?
03:58He, he, he, that's...
04:00No, he doesn't care.
04:03Oh, oh, Dad.
04:05Oh, Dad.
04:06Please.
04:07The Marbury Academy is the most explosive private school in all of Boston.
04:12It's a breeding ground of power and privilege.
04:16Lillard and I have to be interviewed by the headmaster.
04:18He's got such a busy schedule.
04:20He's agreed to see us on Thanksgiving morning.
04:22Now this, of course, changes our plans.
04:24Why?
04:24You mean I don't get to see my grandson?
04:26Of course you do.
04:27We'll move our whole Thanksgiving celebration to Boston.
04:30I'll call the airline.
04:31Yes, and I'd better cancel our rustic Thanksgiving.
04:34Hello, Buck.
04:35It's Dr. Crane.
04:37Take the mints off the pillows.
04:42Frederick, your father is here.
04:50Dad!
04:51Hey, Frederick!
04:52Good to see you, boy!
04:55Hey, Lillard, how you doing?
04:57Happy Thanksgiving, Lillard.
04:59Martin, Niles.
05:00Nice neighborhood.
05:02Noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddy's age playing in the street.
05:05Yes.
05:06He spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns.
05:12Niles, I'm afraid with this interview, I'm running a little behind schedule, so I'm enlisting
05:19you to help with the turkey.
05:21Oh, well, I've never cooked a turkey before, but the recipe's here.
05:25I guess I can fumble my way through.
05:27How far along are you?
05:29I'm nearly done defrosting.
05:34And the turkey?
05:34Might I suggest you stuff it?
05:44So, the rabbit says to the bear, no, no, no, no, I said edible, not edible.
05:50Hmm, good one, Dad.
05:53Hello, Lillard.
05:55You're late.
05:56Oh, well, happy Thanksgiving to you, too.
05:59Well, there, Frederick.
06:01Now, Mommy and Daddy have to run off to this meeting, but after that, I'm all yours.
06:06Meanwhile, why don't you head on upstairs and show Granddad and Uncle Niles your brand
06:09new computer?
06:10Okay.
06:11Come on, sport.
06:13My God.
06:13Are you half as nervous as I am?
06:15And then so.
06:16Oh, we have got to master our nerves.
06:19It is vital that we appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents.
06:24Look, do you still keep the Valium with the contraceptives?
06:29Sorry.
06:30I needed the last one just to go in and pick up the application.
06:35I'd assume you meant the Valium.
06:42Perhaps before the interview, you should sheathe that butter knife sharp wit of yours.
06:49Perhaps we could find the appropriate kitchen tool to ratchet down that bun of yours.
06:53It's a notch or two.
06:56Frasier, stop.
06:58We should be focusing on our son.
07:00You're right, of course.
07:02We've always had our differences, but we've been able to put them aside for the welfare
07:05of Frederick.
07:06And this may be the most important thing we ever do to ensure his happiness.
07:11Not counting our divorce.
07:14Hey, Freddie and I are going to break in this new mitt I bought him.
07:18Uh, Frederick doesn't play ball.
07:21He was just about to watch Pocahontas and write a satiric essay on the historical inaccuracies.
07:29Well, Ruel.
07:30Now, wait.
07:31Where do you keep your saffron?
07:33Third cupboard.
07:34And where do you keep your shallots?
07:36In the crisper.
07:37By the way, you still have to remove the entrails from the chest cavity.
07:43In that case, where do you keep your ten-foot pole?
07:49Well, I know, Freddie, Mommy and Daddy are going to see that you're wearing a Marbury blazer
07:54or die trying.
07:56Dad, maybe you should remove the entrails.
08:00No can do.
08:02Freddie and I are going to play catch.
08:04Muller says balls are for the slow charge.
08:07Yeah, well, Grandpa's in charge now.
08:10You're going to love baseball.
08:12It's easy as riding a bike.
08:14Muller says bikes are for the slow charge.
08:15Yeah, I know, I know.
08:17Dr. Campbell.
08:44Dr. Sternin.
08:45Dr. Campbell.
08:45Dr. Crane, please come in.
08:49You have a lovely home.
08:51Yes.
08:52And thank you so much for seeing us today.
08:54You're quite welcome.
08:55Make yourselves comfortable.
08:56I'll get us some coffee.
08:59Well, I think that went rather well, don't you?
09:01So far, so good.
09:04Oh, my God.
09:04We've just got to get Frederick into this school.
09:08I am so nervous.
09:09I feel as though all the color is drained from my face.
09:15How is my makeup?
09:18Well, you can use a pinch.
09:19Oh, do I have time?
09:20No, no, no.
09:21You can use a pinch.
09:25Oh, oh, Lord.
09:28Oh, oh, dear.
09:29What?
09:30Oh, well, I, uh...
09:32Good Lord.
09:32I just raced down to pull a thread off of what I thought was on my jacket.
09:36It seems attached to this cushion.
09:39Oh, Lord, look now.
09:40This little bird has no beak.
09:41Stop doing that.
09:45Um, give me your nail clippers.
09:47I didn't bring them.
09:48Just bite it off.
09:51Does either of you take cream?
09:54Yes.
09:55Yes.
09:56Oh, God.
09:57Then let me begin by saying that the child who fills this opening need not worry for the future.
10:04Opening?
10:05There's only one?
10:06Yes.
10:07Well, children of alumni and certain generous benefactors are, of course, given preference.
10:13Oh, of course.
10:14Of course.
10:15Now, regarding your Frederick, his score is, of course, excellent.
10:19And I've no doubt he's being courted by other prestigious schools.
10:23Oh, yes.
10:23Yes.
10:24Oh, that's good.
10:24That's it.
10:25Still, we like to think that we are a cut above.
10:29Our sixth grade talent show just spawned a highly successful cast album.
10:36Frederick has perfect pitch.
10:39Yes.
10:40We often use him to tune the piano.
10:46Excuse me.
10:49Hello.
10:52Ah, Senator Geiger.
10:55I thought I made it perfectly plain that you'd be notified by mail.
10:59Well, Senator, rules may not mean anything on Capitol Hill, but they still mean something to me.
11:08And that is why young Noah will be seeking his education elsewhere.
11:14Do I sound flexible?
11:21Marbury thanks you for your interest.
11:26Fraser, you're coughing.
11:27Oh, yes, please be careful.
11:29Those chairs have been in the family for three generations.
11:41Okay, let's take a look.
11:47Oh, it's not so bad.
11:50Oh!
11:54You hardly notice it.
11:57Uh-oh.
11:59I lost my medical alert bracelet.
12:01Oh, maybe it fell off when we were playing catch.
12:04I'll go look.
12:05All right.
12:07I still don't know how it happened.
12:09I loved it right to him.
12:11When are you going to learn, Dad?
12:12The only thing the crane boys are skilled at catching is sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus.
12:17Let's make a pact that, as long as we're guests of Lilith's, we'll avoid all activities that could possibly harm Frederick.
12:29Where are those pie crusts?
12:31I found it.
12:33I taste blood.
12:43Now you've got it.
12:46Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
12:48Squeeze right up here.
12:54It's then.
12:56Hey, hey, hey, pal.
12:57Why don't we go find some cotton upstairs for that thing, huh?
13:00Wait, wait, wait.
13:01How am I going to explain this to Lilith?
13:02Well, I don't know.
13:03How did you give Maris bad news?
13:04Usually by breaking a tranquilizer into her SlimFast.
13:14Did you notice how those patrician eyebrows of his arched when you mentioned Frederick's National Science Award?
13:22I take it Dr. Campbell was favorably impressed.
13:26We had an initial bout of nervousness, but after that, we did an absolute bang-up job.
13:33Well, speaking of bang-up jobs, you know, just one question I wish we'd answered differently.
13:40Which one?
13:41Remember when he mentioned that Frederick was being courted by other schools?
13:45I wonder if we shouldn't have made it clear that Marbury is far and away our first choice.
13:52Frasier, if you overanalyze every detail, you will rob us of the joy of the moment.
13:58It will be our wedding night all over again.
14:03Speaking of hard-to-explain bruises...
14:07You're right, you're right, of course.
14:10I'm sure everything's fine.
14:12Unless we didn't convey to him how highly we regard Marbury.
14:18Well, see, that is my worry.
14:20We must correct this.
14:22What should I say?
14:24Oh, Lilith, stop, stop.
14:25Remember what happened when the Senate called.
14:27We need, uh, we need a ruse.
14:31You're right.
14:32How's this?
14:34We go back, and I say that I lost my earring in his living room.
14:38And while we're looking for it, we casually mention that Marbury is Frederick's first and only choice.
14:44Perfect.
14:45Let's go.
14:45Speaking of dumbass ideas...
14:50Ah, yes, Dr. Campbell, I hope we're not disturbing anything important.
15:03Well, actually, I'm a bit frazzled trying to get my Thanksgiving dinner together.
15:06Uh, I'm afraid I lost an earring here this morning.
15:10Oh, well, I'll have a look around and call you if it turns up.
15:14Um...
15:15Do you think I might be able to take a peek right now?
15:18I wouldn't even think of asking, but it was a treasure gift from...
15:23Golda Meir.
15:27Very well.
15:31Oh, forgive me, I must, uh, turn the heat down on the pumpkin soup.
15:36Lilith, we rehearsed everything we were going to say on the ride over.
15:40Where the hell did Golda Meir come from?
15:43Well, I admit it wasn't half as clever as um.
15:49But it got us in.
15:51Any luck?
15:53Not yet.
15:56We're so sorry about this.
15:58The whole ride over here, we kept saying,
16:01Why did this have to happen at the only school that matters to us?
16:07As you know, Marbury is our first choice.
16:10Oh, look, here it is.
16:13That was lucky.
16:15Remarkably so.
16:17Considering that wasn't the chair you were sitting in.
16:20Um...
16:21Well, I suppose it's time we'd be shoving off.
16:25I'm curious.
16:27I've always been a great admirer of Mrs. Meir.
16:29How did you meet?
16:32Oh, well...
16:35It's a funny story.
16:37Oh, yes.
16:39Chris, you tell it much better than I do.
16:46Oh, yes.
16:48Yes, yes.
16:49Yes, it was back in college days.
16:52Lilith spent a summer at a kibbutz.
16:56And, uh...
16:58Was dating her grandson, Oscar.
17:05That would be Oscar Meir.
17:11Yes, well, just imagine the ribbing he took.
17:15Indeed.
17:16Well, it's so good to see you both again.
17:20Enjoy your Thanksgiving.
17:22Marbury thanks you for your interest.
17:24Wait, wait a minute.
17:25Marbury thanks you for your interest.
17:28We know what that means.
17:29Oh, good.
17:30Then you'll have no trouble interpreting this.
17:36You had to give him gum, didn't you?
17:41And not just gum, bubble gum.
17:45Well, maybe what threw him off
17:46is having to breathe through his mouth
17:48while he chewed it.
17:50You know, Frederick,
17:52when I was a boy,
17:53nothing brought a smile to my face
17:54like when Mother would make a remoulade
17:56and let me lick the spoon.
17:59Thanks, Uncle Niles.
18:01You think maybe I should trim his bangs a little bit?
18:05Maybe you should put the scissors down
18:06while he still has one good eye.
18:10Uh-oh.
18:12Is there anchovies in this?
18:15Yes.
18:16Oh, my God.
18:19I've never seen hives break out that fast.
18:23They're back.
18:24Freddie, you got any pills for this?
18:27I got pills for everything.
18:29Of all the names in the universe,
18:38you had to pick Oscar.
18:43You startlers don't have path of insanity.
18:47Gold of my ear.
18:49Gold of my ass.
18:54This sniping is pointless.
18:57Getting into Marbury was a long shot anyway.
19:00You heard the man.
19:02Most of these openings go to children of alumni
19:05and generous benefactors.
19:08Yes, yes.
19:10Wait a minute.
19:12Oh, my God, we're such fools.
19:14Don't you see what the man was trying to tell us?
19:16He was trying to give us the way
19:17to get Frederick accepted.
19:20Are you saying he was fishing for a donation?
19:23So, you think he was just trying to see
19:27if we were willing to pay our fair share?
19:31What else?
19:33Hi, Daddy.
19:35In a minute, Frederick.
19:36My God, it was right there in front of us.
19:38And we missed it.
19:39We didn't even see it.
19:40How could we be so blind?
19:43Well, we should get ourselves back down there
19:46and give the man what he wants.
19:47Right.
19:48We can't let anything stand
19:49in the way of our son's welfare.
19:51Mother.
19:51Mother has to run, Munchkin.
19:54Go play with Grandpa.
20:08Ah, Dr. Sternin and Dr. Crane.
20:12Forgive me if I don't give you a big hello hug.
20:16But as you can see,
20:17I'm wearing this greasy apron.
20:19On top of which,
20:20I'm beginning to loathe the sight of both of you.
20:23All the more reason for us to be brief.
20:25Yes, I'm sure you'll be on your way
20:27just as soon as you've found the cufflink
20:29given to you by Haile Selassie.
20:37No false pretense this time.
20:39We know that with so many qualified applicants
20:43and only one position open
20:45that your decision must be very difficult.
20:48Yes, and so,
20:50in the spirit of the holidays,
20:52like Indians,
20:53to your pilgrim's table,
20:54we bring this little bit of garnish,
20:59as it were,
20:59in the hopes that our relationship may flower.
21:02I'll have you know that in 22 years,
21:09I have never accepted a bribe.
21:11I have to tell you that I find this utterly offensive
21:13in every possible way.
21:20And now, if you don't mind,
21:21I have guests on the way,
21:23and a turkey so undercooked,
21:25a skilled veterinarian
21:26could still save him.
21:31Dr. Campbell,
21:32unless the rest of that sentence
21:34is I have a fully cooked turkey
21:36in the breast pocket of that blazer,
21:38I'm afraid our conversation is at an end.
22:00suscribite
22:00immuak
22:00number
22:01aye
22:09and
22:12no
22:14no
22:15no
22:15no
22:16no
22:16no
22:17no
22:18no
22:18no
22:22no
22:23no
22:53This is indeed a very special holiday for us all.
22:59Pamela, Cynthia, I'm particularly grateful that finally you've been able to set aside your differences
23:07and join us in this Thanksgiving tortellini.
23:13Well, as angry as I was that you admitted Regan to Marbury instead of our Wesley, it's all worked out for the best.
23:21Wesley is thriving at the Barclay School.
23:25I'm delighted to hear it.
23:27Oh, I've a dusty bottle of Chateau Lafitte in the cellar, waiting for an occasion like this.
23:33Well, this is nice.
23:43Yes, it is.
23:46I'll give it.
23:47Yes.
23:56Hello.
23:58Hello.
23:59Is Dr. Campbell in?
24:00I guess he just gone to the cellar to get a bottle of wine.
24:04Yes, well, we don't mean to intrude, but we heard that he was having trouble with his turkey,
24:07and we thought we should drop this by.
24:09Oh, how very generous of you.
24:11Please come in.
24:12Look, everyone, these friends of Collins have brought us a turkey.
24:18Well, I think friends is probably stretching it just a tad.
24:21You see, our son was a candidate for Marbury, and in our zeal to see him accepted, we may have
24:30come on a bit stronger.
24:32Yes, well, I mean, I'm sure you understand, as parents yourselves, it's only natural to
24:38wish the very best for your son.
24:40Oh, absolutely.
24:41There are other good schools.
24:43Barclay is excellent.
24:45Yes, well, thank you very much for trying to cheer us up, but I mean, if you're looking
24:50for a filet mignon, you can hardly swallow ground chuck.
24:57Now, now, Barclay is a very charming little school.
25:02Little school?
25:03No, don't be so sensitive.
25:05Oh, damn your condescension.
25:08Damn your jealousy.
25:10Don't talk to my wife that way.
25:12Oh, shut up, Elliot.
25:13Don't you talk to my wife that way.
25:16I'm having that.
25:17Stop it.
25:21We brought a turkey.
25:29I don't know how this started.
25:31I can only be sure it started with the two of you.
25:36Actually, we...
25:37I will die a happy man if I never set eyes on either of you again.
25:42Unfortunately, there's only one way I can think of to ensure that.
25:46Your son, Frederick, is hereby admitted to the Marbury School.
25:49Oh!
25:49However, he will be immediately expelled if either of you violates any of the following conditions.
25:56You will not bring him to school.
25:58You will not collect him.
26:00You will not attend any recitals, plays, sporting events, or school functions, up to and including
26:06Frederick Crane Day, should we ever have one.
26:09And when graduation comes, you will dispatch an appropriate envoy with a video camera.
26:16Oh, and now it is with great pleasure that I bid you goodbye forever.
26:22Allow me.
26:28We're in.
26:29Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling, tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:42Oh, my.
26:43And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:46Well, maybe.
26:47But I got you pegged.
26:49Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:52But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:59They're calling again.
27:02Good night, everybody.