Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 15 Reese's Apartment
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00:00birthday that's so cute but we can't afford that
00:08he can get that if he doesn't have a party
00:15that is perfect you'll be so surprised
00:21yes no maybe i don't know can you repeat
00:31the question
00:32you're not the boss of me now you're not the boss of me now
00:37you're not the boss of me now and you're not so big
00:43you're not the boss of me now
00:46You're not the boss of me now
00:49You're not the boss of me now
00:51And you're not so big
00:54Life is unfair
00:58This is the best part of my day.
01:04The 16 minutes between the horrors of school and the horrors of home.
01:09Malcolm, there you are.
01:11You know Ira James, right?
01:12All-state fullback, state single-season rushing record.
01:17Who am I kidding?
01:18He's probably never even talked to you.
01:20Hi.
01:21Ira's graduating this year.
01:23He's got an interest from six Division I-A colleges.
01:27Full rides.
01:28The problem is, each school wants him to write a personal essay on his application.
01:33So...
01:33So Ira's an idiot.
01:36I mean, hamster idiot.
01:38And that's only if we're talking about a really stupid hamster.
01:42Mom says I have other nice qualities.
01:43Since you're the smartest kid in the school, I want you to help him write his essays.
01:48I wish I could, but I've got like three midterms next week.
01:52Look, you don't understand.
01:55Ira is a football player.
01:57That means when he needs something, it's up to you non-football kids to do it for him.
02:02The cheerleaders understand it.
02:05Look, I'll make it worth your while.
02:07I'll let you out of the gym for the rest of the semester.
02:09I don't mind, Jim.
02:10Sure you don't, brainiac.
02:19Hi, honey.
02:23I'm going to need you to be calm.
02:25Oh, jeez.
02:27Which kid is it?
02:28I'm not going to tell you you're not calm enough yet.
02:31Reese.
02:32Okay.
02:35Deep breath.
02:37What'd he do?
02:39All right.
02:42Reese?
02:45Clumber!
02:48Nigga!
02:49I'm going to fling him to start a pile of the dick!
02:52Honey, do you want some tea or a drink?
02:55What's wrong with Dad?
02:56Your father just found out what Reese did.
02:58What'd he do?
03:00Your brother.
03:01Oh, my God.
03:04Did they have to evacuate?
03:05Grr!
03:07Man, what a day.
03:08Vic lost his other one in the meat grinder, and the health department shut us down for 15 minutes.
03:14We were playing catch-up all afternoon.
03:15You're stout.
03:17I'm a hackadabit.
03:19Sula-mammoth-pop!
03:21He wants to know how you could do something so horrible.
03:25Calisthenic pill in that gigan!
03:27And think you could get away with it?
03:29How like a snackin' about a student blinkin' it's dead!
03:34Was that scramble or strangle?
03:36What are you guys talking about?
03:37You know very well what we're talking about.
03:41Last week, you...
03:43I can name third-world countries where stuff like that happens all the time.
03:47What am I gonna do with you, Reese?
03:50I don't want to tell you this is a new low, because every time I do, you take it as a personal challenge!
03:56You know what? I've just worked my butt off for six hours, and I don't appreciate getting yelled at the second I come through the door.
04:04Oh, oh, you're complaining?
04:06No! Complain!
04:09You! Ass!
04:11Cal, give yourself another minute!
04:13Or you both could just shut up!
04:16Oh, boy. In this family, that's what we call the closer.
04:23We now know that Reese is definitely not living here for the next few days.
04:26The only question left is who gets to take the credit.
04:29You're kicked out!
04:37I'm leaving!
04:37Not if we get to the door now, first!
04:41I'm out of here!
04:43Ty goes to the runner.
04:48They kicked Reese out again?
04:50Yeah, we haven't heard from him in two days.
04:53I'm actually impressed.
04:55Usually by now, he's eating cat food off Mrs. Harvey's porch.
04:58This is horrible!
05:00How can they do this to their own children?
05:02Yeah, it's really traumatizing me.
05:05Don't they care about the psychological damage they're inflicting?
05:09A home is unconditional.
05:11A home should be safe and secure and...
05:14Roomie!
05:15What?
05:16The point is, I got kicked out when I was 15, and I never got to come home again.
05:21They can't do this, Therese!
05:23Someone has to do something.
05:24Someone has to stop them.
05:26Am I the only one who understands what kind of monsters these people are?
05:30I don't think this is as big a deal to the rest of the family as it is to you.
05:38Maybe you're overreacting.
05:41Overreacting?
05:42Dewey, when you're older, you will understand.
05:44There are things in life called priorities,
05:47which I will explain to you in a few hours when I get there.
05:50Right now, I have to call Otto and cash in some personal days.
05:55Overreacting.
05:57Great timing.
06:07The muffins just came out.
06:09Thank God you called me.
06:10I can't believe the hell Mom and Dad put you through.
06:15Hey, whose place is this?
06:17It's mine.
06:18It's completely furnished, including cable TV.
06:21I told them I was 18, so I got a two-year lease.
06:24You're a banana walnut man, right?
06:26Reese, you can't live in a place like this.
06:29Yeah, I can.
06:30They're having a move-in special.
06:31First month free.
06:33It's only $3.75 a month.
06:34Utilities included.
06:36I can make my rent in a week if I pick up an extra shift.
06:40I should have done this like six months ago.
06:43Hey, Reese.
06:44Come on, we're going to the roof.
06:45The nursing students across the street are taking their cigarette break.
06:48I'm sorry, I can't.
06:49I'm having my brothers over for breakfast.
06:52Francis, this is Teddy, Lou, George.
06:55Divorce, separated, wife's two, and the best friend.
06:58Ex-best friend.
07:01Excuse me.
07:03All right, well, you know where we'll be.
07:05Hey, is that a wedding ring?
07:07Yeah.
07:08Start hiding the money now, friend.
07:10Come on, let's go.
07:12Oh, man.
07:13This place is awesome.
07:14Reese, I know you think this place is great,
07:16but any objective observer will tell you it's most certainly not.
07:21Whoa.
07:22This place is awesome.
07:24One thing's for sure.
07:25I'd never, ever leave if I were you.
07:28So who's up for some muffins?
07:30I am.
07:30No.
07:31No muffins.
07:32Reese, you can't just keep playing house like this.
07:35Mom and Dad did something really horrible to you,
07:38just like they did to me.
07:40Only you can't let them get away with it.
07:42You don't belong here.
07:43You belong at home.
07:45All right, fine.
07:47Tell me one thing about my life
07:50that would be better if I was still at home.
07:55I thought the toilet seat never needs warming argument was pretty good.
08:06Okay, the main thing to remember is that a college essay
08:09is just like any other essay you've written.
08:14You know, like homework.
08:15For one of your classes.
08:24Come on, Ira.
08:25I know it seems hard, but you just have to get started.
08:29Like, if you had to describe yourself in one word,
08:32what would that word be?
08:33Ira?
08:33Ira.
08:33Okay.
08:43There we go.
08:48Ira.
08:49See?
08:50We started.
08:52Now, what else?
08:54I don't know.
08:55I'm not much of a writer or a reader.
08:59I don't like words.
09:00They confuse me.
09:01There's like hundreds of them.
09:03Calm down.
09:04You could do this.
09:06You know what?
09:06I'm going to say something,
09:07and you just say the first thing that comes to your head.
09:11My earliest memory in life is...
09:15Blue...
09:16...thing.
09:20Blue thing.
09:22Good.
09:23You can use that.
09:25Like, um...
09:27Sometimes my childhood feels vague and distant.
09:33Like something draped in a blue haze.
09:37See?
09:39Yeah.
09:40That's cool.
09:42Okay.
09:43My biggest fear is...
09:45Spiders.
09:46No.
09:48Waffles.
09:51I let my fears wash over me,
09:55and I see that I am imprinted with a repeating pattern of optimism and despair.
10:04Hey, that's not bad.
10:05I hope someday to free myself to find the one thing...
10:12You're not going to do anything?
10:13You have to go to that apartment and get him back.
10:16Look, that's not how it works.
10:18Oh, I know how it works.
10:20I was thrown into military school so fast I still had shampoo in my hair.
10:24The minute a child is inconvenient to you, you kick him out.
10:28Francis, this is really none of your business.
10:31You don't even live here anymore.
10:32Because you kicked me out!
10:36And now you're doing the same thing to Reese.
10:38Right now he's sitting in that apartment with his cable TV and his huge stack of video games.
10:44Miserable!
10:45If Reese is unhappy, he brought it on himself.
10:48Really?
10:49So what's this, like, the tenth time he's brought it on himself?
10:53And let's see, Malcolm's brought it on himself six times,
10:56so with my twenty-eight times, that makes forty kickouts, three different kids,
11:01and the only constant through all of this is you two.
11:05Francis, that is not fair.
11:09Maybe you just don't like sharing your house with your children.
11:12So when's Dewey going to bring it on himself?
11:15When's Jamie?
11:19Where is Jamie?
11:22He's at the babysitter's.
11:24Just till five.
11:25Hey, Dave, is that you?
11:51What's Channel D have on in there?
11:56Sounds better than what I'm watching.
12:06This is all new to us.
12:13We've never examined our parenting before.
12:19It always seemed to us like something that should just come naturally.
12:24Yeah, everything on the planet's been having kids for billions of years.
12:28I mean, look at snakes.
12:29They never take parenting classes.
12:31The world's crawling with them.
12:33How exactly did you want me to help you?
12:38Well, we have fallen into a bad pattern.
12:43Our boys misbehave, and they are punished.
12:47And then they severely misbehave, and they are severely punished.
12:51And then they misbehave in some outlandish, jaw-dropping way
12:57where if we responded in kind, we'd end up in jail.
13:00We're at the end of our rope here.
13:02Well, of course you are.
13:03So we were hoping that with all your training,
13:07you could teach us some kind of subtle trick
13:09that would stop them in their tracks.
13:12Trick?
13:13Yeah.
13:14You know, some kind of secret psychological thing
13:17that would get them to shut up and listen to us for a change.
13:21Yeah, my husband's getting older.
13:22I mean, he can still take them individually,
13:24but if they ever team up on him...
13:26Look, I don't think it's a good idea
13:28to treat kids like criminals or animals that need to be broken.
13:33You've never met our boys.
13:36Yeah, you can't begin to imagine the things they do.
13:39I've been practicing psychiatry for 40 years.
13:42There's nothing you could say that would shock me.
13:49All right.
13:51Last week, Reese...
13:54Oh, my God, what were the cats for?
13:57We don't know.
13:59Give me a minute.
14:02Now, even in the most extreme,
14:07breathtakingly horrifying cases,
14:10there are some techniques that can be useful.
14:14Yes.
14:15See, I told you this wasn't a waste of 90 bucks.
14:18Have you ever heard of active listening?
14:22No.
14:23Most teenagers act out because they feel no one cares.
14:28With active listening,
14:30you mirror back everything your child says,
14:33which shows you're hearing them,
14:35and by extension, understanding.
14:38I know, it sounds simple,
14:40but believe me, I've seen it work miracles.
14:43I don't think Reese would respond to that.
14:46You're worried it won't help him.
14:48Yes.
14:49What if it actually makes it worse?
14:51I don't think I could stand any more trouble with him.
14:55Oh, this is so confusing.
14:58You're feeling mixed up right now.
15:00God, yes, I am.
15:01You know, I'm usually so sure of myself,
15:04but this whole thing has just made me question
15:06every aspect of...
15:07Oh, that's good.
15:15Oh, that's really good.
15:18I now realize that blue is not the color of confusion,
15:24but rather, it is the color of hope.
15:28Yeah, that's it.
15:30Dude, the parts that I understood, they were awesome.
15:34Great.
15:35Well, now that we have the ideas all down,
15:38all we have to do is put into the kind of words
15:40that you would actually...
15:41Thanks, Malcolm.
15:42You're awesome.
15:43People are going to think I'm so smart.
15:46Wait, we're not done yet.
15:47Hold on a second.
15:48Blue is definitely my favorite color now.
16:00Hey, let's get going, Reese.
16:02It's Ladies Get Free Shrimp Night at the Red Lobster.
16:05Maybe I'll meet you down there.
16:07I've got to get a jump on my homework.
16:08Hey, you already blew off air hockey night
16:11and potluck Wednesday,
16:12but I was counting on you for tonight.
16:14I need someone to turn the conversation to my tongue trick.
16:17I guess now that I'm on my own,
16:19I just feel like being more responsible.
16:21Hey, I've got three kids.
16:23You don't see me talking about responsibility.
16:25Come on, I'm not taking no for an answer.
16:28Okay, okay.
16:29I'm not taking no for an answer today.
16:30Come on.
16:41Mom, I have a problem.
16:43I need to talk.
16:45Good.
16:47You can talk,
16:48and I will listen.
16:52This football player wants to use an essay
16:55I wrote for his college application
16:57and pretend it's his own.
16:59I know it's dishonest,
17:00but I might be making too much of it.
17:03I wanted to get your advice.
17:04You're hoping I can help you.
17:10Yeah, I just said that.
17:13So, I don't think he should get into college
17:15under false pretenses,
17:17but are they really false pretenses
17:19if nobody thinks he's smart anyway?
17:21I don't want to be a part of his cheating,
17:23but I also don't want to take away a shot
17:25at going to college.
17:27I just don't know what to do.
17:31You're uncertain.
17:32What action to take.
17:37Yes.
17:38Why are you talking like a robot?
17:41You want to know why I'm
17:43talking like a robot?
17:47I have a problem,
17:49and I need your help.
17:50All you're doing is mindlessly parody back
17:53what I say.
17:54You say one thing,
17:56and I restate it.
17:58Forget it.
17:59If you're not going to help me,
18:00you don't have to mock me.
18:02We do not come from a family of criminals.
18:06You do not let him turn in that essay.
18:11God, I knew listening to our kids
18:13would be a mistake.
18:15Hello.
18:16Hello.
18:16Is this the residence of the most
18:18unnurturing, callous parents
18:20in the universe?
18:21It's for you.
18:23Hello.
18:24Hi, I just got off the phone
18:25with your son, Reese.
18:28It's been over a week,
18:29and you haven't even talked to him?
18:31Congratulations.
18:32The fracturing of this family
18:33is now two-fifths complete.
18:35Francis, this is a very hard
18:37and complicated situation,
18:39and I don't need you to yell
18:40at me right now.
18:41There is nothing complicated about it.
18:43Just go to his apartment,
18:45tell him you love him,
18:47and ask him to come home.
18:49Are you nuts?
18:51This is Reese we're talking about.
18:53So what?
18:54Come on, you know exactly
18:56how he thinks.
18:57If we show that kind of weakness,
18:59it's like showing a hyena
19:00the belly of an antelope.
19:02Reese will come home
19:03with no limits
19:04and no boundaries.
19:06Within five years,
19:07we will be saying our last words
19:08to him over a police bullhorn.
19:11All I know is that
19:12you have a child that needs you.
19:14No, he doesn't.
19:15He's happy where he is,
19:16and so are we.
19:17Dewey, get off the phone.
19:21Mom, I understand
19:22what you're worried about,
19:23but there is more to Reese
19:24than you give him credit for.
19:26I wish I could believe that.
19:28Honey, I got a goat.
19:29There's another call.
19:31Hi.
19:33Hello.
19:35Yes, this is she.
19:36This is Peter Noyes,
19:38Reese's chemistry teacher.
19:41Sherry, remember me
19:42from last year's hearing?
19:44There's something new
19:46I have to discuss with you.
19:48Oh, my God.
19:49What did he do now?
19:52Your son.
19:54He got an A on his midterm?
19:58They matched the handwriting.
19:59They had him reenact the experiment.
20:02He did it himself.
20:04Mr. Noyes said
20:05it's the most remarkable turnaround
20:06he's ever seen.
20:07Wow.
20:08He also said
20:11that we should be
20:11really proud of ourselves.
20:19Hey, Ira.
20:20Listen,
20:22do you have that essay I wrote?
20:23I just want to make
20:24one quick change.
20:25Yeah.
20:27Here it is.
20:28The change you want to make
20:30is this.
20:31Was it too long?
20:36No.
20:38Listen to me, Ira.
20:39Everyone gives you breaks.
20:41Everyone does everything for you.
20:43You might think it's good,
20:44but it's not.
20:46They're telling you
20:46you're an idiot
20:47and you're not an idiot.
20:49You can write this essay.
20:50You can write this essay
20:51on your own.
20:53Remember that story
20:54you told me about
20:55the two-pound steak
20:56you once ate?
20:56You thought it'd be impossible,
20:58but you took it
20:59one bite at a time
21:00and you did it.
21:01You just need to do
21:02the same thing
21:03with your essay.
21:05Okay, I'll try.
21:07And then I pretended
21:08I was Rocky
21:09and I told Mr. T,
21:11go for it.
21:12I really wished
21:13his mohawk fell off
21:15when he got hit.
21:16The end.
21:19Thanks, Malcolm.
21:20This is the most words
21:21I've ever put together
21:22in my life.
21:23Yeah, it shows.
21:28Mmm.
21:29This is amazing.
21:31I think the lemon zest
21:32really brings it to life.
21:34How's your dinner?
21:47What are you doing here?
21:49Want me to come in?
21:49Sure.
21:51You want some dinner?
21:52No, but
21:52thank you, Reese.
21:54Seriously.
21:55I just got convection of it.
21:56I can whip you
21:57if you're taught
21:57in like ten minutes.
21:59It's spotless.
22:01Reese, we came here
22:02to do something.
22:04It goes against
22:05all of our instincts
22:07and even as I'm about
22:08to do it,
22:09it doesn't feel right,
22:10but
22:11it seems our instincts
22:13aren't very good lately,
22:14so
22:14here goes.
22:16What is it?
22:18Reese, we love you
22:19and we think
22:20you might be better off
22:21staying here.
22:23Really?
22:24Honest to God,
22:25you seem to be doing
22:26much better without us.
22:28I mean, let's face it,
22:28in 17 years with us,
22:30you have spent more days
22:31in juvenile court
22:32than you have in school.
22:34But now,
22:35after ten days
22:35on your own,
22:36you're a functioning
22:39member of society.
22:42Wow.
22:43I must have
22:44really changed.
22:46I don't even
22:47want to rub it in.
22:49Mail call.
22:51Confiscated your
22:52Victoria's Secret catalog.
22:53A kid you're age
22:54shouldn't.
22:55Well, you're entertaining.
22:57Teddy,
22:57these are my parents.
22:59Mom and Dad,
22:59this is my neighbor,
23:00Teddy.
23:01Hello.
23:01This visitation thing's
23:02a real pain in the ass,
23:03huh?
23:04You know,
23:07this place isn't so bad.
23:09Next time we come,
23:11we can bring some plants.
23:12Sweet.
23:13Hold on a sec.
23:17Hi, I just got
23:18your deluxe platinum card
23:19and I want to activate it.
23:222471.
23:24Now listen,
23:25I already transferred
23:26a $3,000 balance
23:27from the Valley Federal card
23:28over to my Spring Mills
23:30Mutual card
23:30because I have
23:31an $8,000 limit.
23:32But since I'm already
23:34bumping against that,
23:35I might as well
23:35transfer everything
23:36to yours
23:37because it has
23:37a $20,000 limit.
23:40Sure,
23:40I'd love to talk
23:41to a supervisor.
23:42Hey,
23:43I was on the phone.
23:44You've been using
23:45credit cards?
23:46How much have you spent?
23:4710,
23:4811 grand.
23:49But I'm still
23:50way under
23:50the $20,000 limit.
23:52How can you spend
23:53that much
23:53in 10 days?
23:54Well,
23:55you know,
23:55I got that new
23:56convection oven
23:57and that made
23:57the refrigerator
23:58look kind of shabby.
23:59Plus,
24:00I had to buy
24:00new clothes
24:01every time mine got dirty
24:02and that giant gong
24:03in the bathroom.
24:05I mean,
24:06how do you guys do it?
24:08Ow!
24:08Ow!
24:09Ow!
24:09Ow!
24:10Reese,
24:10I really owe you
24:12some thanks
24:12for giving me
24:13some faith in myself.
24:15The next few days,
24:17I will be saying
24:17very little.
24:18I will be deciding
24:19on a punishment.
24:21Ideas are already
24:22popping into my mind.
24:23It's really very exciting.
24:24but I don't want to get hasty
24:26and leave either of us
24:27feeling dissatisfied.
24:29Ah!
24:30You're going to drag me
24:31all the way home?
24:32Well,
24:32we're taking your ear there
24:33if the rest of you
24:34wants to come.
24:35That's fine, too.
24:38It's been almost a month
24:39and Mom's still coming up
24:40with fresh punishments
24:41for Reese.
24:42She says she's never
24:43felt more creative.
24:45She must be doing
24:45something right.
24:47He has a white streak
24:48in his hair.
24:48Hey, Malcolm,
24:49guess what?
24:50I got accepted.
24:51I'm going to college.
24:52Really?
24:53Which school?
24:54All of them.
24:55A&M, Tulane,
24:57Georgia, Stanford,
24:58full scholarships
24:59and everything.
25:01Stanford liked your essay?
25:03No,
25:03I forgot to put it
25:04in the envelope.
25:05I got in anyway.
25:06But don't worry,
25:07that essay didn't go to waste.
25:09I handed it in
25:09as my math midterm
25:11and got an A.
25:13Thanks for making me
25:14believe in myself, Malcolm.
25:15You proved that I don't need
25:16all these people helping me.
25:18See ya.
25:22Stanford.
25:23Poor guy.
25:25How many doesn't know
25:26it only has the third
25:27best astrophysics department
25:28in the country?
25:29I'm sorry.