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00:00Tune in tonight for episode 4003 of Pam Eric and find out who put the silt in Jessie's bedpan.
00:12Must get back to my chalet in time for that. I mean, who would have had access to all that silt?
00:19Mark.
00:20Don't tell me.
00:21No, Mark.
00:22You're going to ruin it.
00:23No, sir, on your face, above your eye, there's a Mark.
00:25Oh.
00:26Must be from my model.
00:27I thought you meant Mark from the Pam Eric Lozenge Factory.
00:30I'm having trouble with Dufus Hill.
00:33Why is it so tall?
00:35I think the glue must have got to me.
00:37Pete!
00:38No!
00:39No, sir, look.
00:40At the bottom of Dufus Hill, I've put some peat.
00:42It's good, isn't it?
00:43Why are the lights on Licku Island working?
00:45Oh, the tessellators there are broken.
00:48Shh!
00:49Don't mention that.
00:50If he finds out, you know what'll happen.
00:52Who?
00:53He.
00:54Who?
00:55He.
00:56He.
00:57He.
00:58He.
00:59Seabury Mungerton.
01:00What are you doing here?
01:02Hello, Maven.
01:03Told you I'd get your job one day.
01:06The great he's sending you to Licku to oversee the mending of the tessellators.
01:11I'll be running the towel while you're away.
01:13I've had no indication of this.
01:15Oh, you will do.
01:17About...
01:18...now.
01:19Oh, dear.
01:20I seem to have broken your chair.
01:25Worrell, chuck this somewhere, will you?
01:32Residents of Gypsy, stand by your tessellators.
01:36Now is the time to sing!
01:38Sing!
01:39Sing!
01:40Sing!
01:41Tired in land of silk and sand.
01:44Trees and stops and hills and heads.
01:49Head for fences stream.
01:51The front and nets and bars and bars that flow.
01:56The logs and snakes and the feet and claws.
02:00With paddy-pads and scoff and heads and string and stash of green.
02:07And lots of cars and shoes.
02:11And...
02:21Yes?
02:22Oh, gosh.
02:23I'm looking for the tower.
02:25What?
02:26That tower there.
02:28Oh.
02:30I've got it marked down as a public latrine.
02:33No wonder there was no paper.
02:36I'll make a note.
02:37Tower.
02:38Not.
02:39Toilet.
02:40What are you doing sniffing round here, Harris?
02:43You're not still working on the island map.
02:45I thought you gave up map-making after our trip to the Tezza Cliffs.
02:48So the bridge should be approximately...
02:51No!
02:52No!
02:56This map is a lifetime's work, Mr. Maven.
03:00Strung through with emotion.
03:03To me, the finely drawn coastline is like the curve of a beautiful woman.
03:10Is that why you put legs on Veen Paris?
03:12Oh.
03:13I was with my seventh wife, Kalenta, when I drew Veen.
03:18We were giddy with passion.
03:20Come on.
03:21He's drunk.
03:22Let's get to Liku before it gets dark.
03:23Liku?
03:24You're not going to Liku.
03:26Pam Eric's starting.
03:27I've watched Pam Eric all my life.
03:31Ever since I was this high.
03:37But the whole future of the Pam Eric estate rests on your hands.
03:42On my hands or in my hands?
03:44Or do you mean on my shoulders?
03:46Erm...
03:47Please be careful out there!
03:49Don't worry, I'll be all right.
03:51Not you.
03:52Him!
03:53I knitted him this scarf.
03:55Although I only just found out you were going, so it's not very long.
03:59Come on, we haven't got time for all this.
04:06Now that we're alone...
04:13I have something to tell you.
04:15Prepare yourself.
04:17Kaplan.
04:20What are you doing?
04:22Just put the logs by the fire, sir.
04:24You don't work for us yet.
04:26I do?
04:27No, no, no.
04:28You don't work for us until after the painting's been sold.
04:30That's right, isn't it?
04:31Yes, I do, because I've just applied for the job for the...
04:32No, no, no.
04:33That's the second time after you go missing.
04:35Missing?
04:36You don't know that because it hasn't happened yet.
04:38If only we could look into the future,
04:40and then look back on all this.
04:44From the future.
04:45Times.
04:47Hello, and welcome to Punishment Roundup for Foresday the 10th.
05:02First of all, this is Lavey, Chalet 465.
05:05At seven and nine gov clock,
05:07she did empty her grouch bucket over Mrs. Protter's front porch.
05:10Then Mrs. Protter did slip and crack her hairy chin.
05:15So that's not good.
05:17Punishment?
05:18Three evenings at the sewerage outlet,
05:20and a mild electrical.
05:23Fine.
05:24Oh!
05:25Oh!
05:36According to the map, we should cross just...
05:39Oh.
05:41Runs out here.
05:42What a surprise.
05:43Ah, yes.
05:44This is when Deirdre broke my heart.
05:47She was a cruel, ugly woman.
05:49That headland there is an undershot tin.
05:54Stop following us, Harris.
05:55We've got work to do.
05:56I just wanted to warn you about the kelp man of Lecoo.
06:02Hideous creature.
06:04Half man, half seaweed, and half...
06:07Can't remember what the other half is.
06:10They say it creeps up behind you and ruffles your hair,
06:14then sucks your brain out through your ears.
06:16My hair!
06:19It's so terrible what happened to Kaplan!
06:26He was only a servant, but I grew to love him.
06:30I've got some more logs for you, sir.
06:32Kaplan, you're dead.
06:34Really?
06:35This is after you've choked on a curtain ring.
06:39I've brought more logs for you, sir.
06:40Ah, Brousset.
06:42Just put them by the wire.
06:43I've got the logs you asked for, sir.
06:45Tony, you're not even born yet.
06:47I've got the logs you asked for, sir.
06:48Who's he?
06:49I...
06:50More logs.
06:52I somehow knew it would...
06:53Sir, it's another wet note from the great heat.
06:54Oh!
06:55Just ignore it.
06:56Look, I've just introduced a new high-tax in the parish of Crawl.
06:57I've got any clue nuts.
06:58Right, if we hurry up, I might still catch the last part of Pam Eric.
06:59Well, I've got the camera working, sir.
07:00But the screen's smashed.
07:01Where's the next tessellator?
07:02Where's the next tessellator?
07:04This way?
07:05Steppy, steppy, steppy, steppy, steppy, steppy.
07:06Steppy, steppy, steppy, steppy.
07:07Where's the next tessellator?
07:08Steppy, steppy, steppy, steppy, steppy, steppy.
07:09There.
07:10You're back where you started.
07:11Oh, no.
07:12Oh, no.
07:13There's no more thing.
07:14We've got the most...
07:16Right.
07:17If we hurry up, I might still catch the last part of Pam Eric.
07:18Well, I've got the camera working, sir, but the screen's smashed.
07:26But where's the next tessellator?
07:28This way.
07:29Steppy, steppy, steppy, steppy, steppy.
07:32Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it.
07:35Steppy, steppy...
07:36There!
07:38You're back where you started!
07:41Sir, should all that sea be where the land was?
07:44What?
07:45Well, cut off.
07:46Where am I going to get my milky night-time drink?
07:56So if this is the island, what's out there?
08:01You mean beyond the protective nets?
08:06Probably an infinite number of other islands.
08:10Full of people like you.
08:12People like me.
08:15Probably not like him.
08:18Why have you never mapped Crawl Parish?
08:21I can answer that in one word.
08:25The end is first.
08:28What was that?
08:30Nothing.
08:32I mean, I don't know.
08:33I'll find out.
08:35You stay here.
08:37Shouldn't I go with him, sir?
08:39Don't leave me, sir.
08:41What?
08:43Sorry?
08:44The kelp man.
08:50How's the new island salute coming on?
08:52Oh, I thought maybe something like this.
08:54Gentsy poison. Gentsy poison.
08:57I like it.
08:59Perhaps a little higher.
09:01Gentsy poison. Gentsy poison.
09:02Gentsy poison.
09:03Gentsy poison.
09:04Yes.
09:05That's not a patch on Mr. Maven's leg lift.
09:07You can forget about him, love.
09:09He's history.
09:10Look at him.
09:11Blubbing like a rain dog.
09:13I feel icy death rising through me.
09:17You're standing in a rock pool, sir.
09:19Oh, I've got to broadcast this.
09:22What button do I press?
09:24What are you doing?
09:26I have some sad news.
09:27I came here by carriage.
09:29How did you get here, Miss Jessie?
09:31I suppose, when I'm gone, they'll issue a commemorative stamp of me.
09:38I wonder which profile they'll use.
09:41Yes, the problem is, sir, your left nostril's a bit wonky.
09:45Yes.
09:47And your right eye's a bit lazy.
09:49Yes.
09:50Could they do one straight on?
09:53Your teeth.
09:56What about the back of your head, sir?
09:58Oh!
10:02Sporrel.
10:03There's something about being away from the mainland
10:06that makes me really want to open up
10:09and tell you all my secrets.
10:11Let's start with a really personal thing.
10:16For the first few months of my life,
10:19I was dressed as a girl.
10:21I'm going to put a stop to this.
10:23Don't ruin it.
10:25This is the best program I've seen in ages.
10:27Did I ever show you my birthmark?
10:36I've got legs that stand below me.
10:41I've got arms by my side.
10:45I've got hair.
10:48She's got hair.
10:49In various places.
10:51But my mind is far away.
10:56Far away.
10:59Far away.
11:02Far away.
11:04Far away.
11:05Far away.
11:06Far away.
11:08I've got teeth.
11:10She's got teeth.
11:11In the front of my face hole.
11:13Face hole.
11:14I've got knees.
11:15Too lovely knees.
11:16Knocking side to side.
11:18Knock, knock, knock.
11:19I've got balls.
11:21She's got balls.
11:22On the soles of my feet.
11:24Her feet.
11:25Her little mind.
11:26Her little mind.
11:27Is far away.
11:28Far away.
11:30Far away.
11:32Far away.
11:34Far away.
11:37Far away.
11:39I've got legs, she's got legs that stand below me
11:44I've got arms, she's got arms by my side
11:49I've got hair, she's got hair in various places
11:55But my mind, but her mind is far away
12:00Far away, far away, far away
12:06Far away, far away, far away
12:10Far away, far away, far away
12:14Far away, far away, far away
12:17Far away, far away, far away
12:19Far away
12:21That's when I realised there was another man in the cubicle
12:33Smarable
12:34Smarable
12:35Oh, there you are
12:37If I don't eat soon, I'm going to die
12:40Toasted limpet, sir
12:41What does it come with?
12:44It comes on a nest of seaweed and cockle juice
12:46With caramelised crab claw crostini
12:48You've cooked the limpet beautifully
12:56But the crab just doesn't work with the cockle juice
12:59So no, I'll leave it
13:00Nah, sorry
13:06Can't come in here with those trainers
13:09Keith, we have visitors
13:16Get someone to put on the kelpman suit
13:19And keep them down the other end of the island
13:21Whereabouts are they?
13:23They're at Deborah's toe
13:26Barry, kill me now
13:29You fancy a game of poker tonight?
13:37What will we be poking?
13:39No, I mean poker, the card game
13:41Oh, yeah
13:42Why, what do you think I meant?
13:45I thought you meant just poking something round with your beak in a circle
13:48No, I'm fed up of that rubbish
13:49It's boring
13:50Really?
13:51Of course, it depends what the object is
13:53I found a really nice spoon the other day
13:56I really enjoyed just pushing it round with my beak
13:58You get a lovely rasping sound
14:01Depending on the surface, of course
14:02But I found it really quite diverting
14:04I started pushing it clockwise
14:07And then...
14:09Oh
14:09Stop the broadcast of Maven
14:19Stop transmitting intimate information
14:22About his private life that might discredit him across the island
14:27Resulting in the downfall of Arbiter Maven
14:30All together now
14:32Sir
14:35Are you sure you won't join me?
14:38And now a quick look at recent deaths across the island in the singing obituaries
14:43Another windy day
14:47Up on Tessaclips
14:50Mrs. Brayall was out walking
14:53When her wig became displaced
14:56Which made her cork wedge stumble
14:59She took a nasty tumble
15:02And she fell down to her death
15:04She fell on Tony, Pete and Jeff
15:08And Steve
15:09And Tom
15:11And Jeremy
15:13And his dog
15:14Element report
15:25Before the day of the 10th of bloom
15:27Visibility is low today
15:29Especially in the other parishes
15:31You can see two clogs on a chair
15:33At about the distance of eight cats
15:35No, ten cats if they're kittens
15:37He he he he
15:37I don't
15:38There's no crunch in the atmosphere biscuits
15:41It's down from a slight droop
15:43To a dirty curve
15:45Reducing to a soggy pulp overnight
15:48If like me
15:49You're heading down to the sale at Lucy's lingerie
15:51And booty boutique
15:52Make sure you're wearing fog goggles
15:55And loose elasticated panties
15:58Ahoy
15:59Brisk walks
16:00End with a nosebreaker
16:01Mainly on a door
16:02With pain
16:03And bruises writhing
16:04It's another wet note, Mr. Mungerton
16:08Chuck it with the rest
16:10I don't think we should ignore the great he
16:12Jesse Brayall, Jesse Brayall
16:13And that was my first time
16:15In a nappy
16:16Sparrow
16:17Sparrow
16:18Sparrow
16:19It's the kelp man
16:21Sparrow
16:22Gave it away with my hair
16:27It's the kelp man, the kelp man
16:31He fills your heart with fear
16:33He rub, pulls your hair
16:34And sucks your brains out through your ears
16:37I'd be the same as him
16:42If someone tried to mess with my hair, Beryl
16:45Funnily enough though
16:46I've never minded anyone touching my feet
16:49I suppose because they're the furthest away from me
16:53I never really think of them as my own
16:56Strange things, feet, aren't they?
16:59Always following you around like two fleshy puppies
17:03Do you have feet that follow you around, Beryl?
17:07No
17:10No
17:12Get him away from my hair!
17:41Off blood?
17:42No.
17:53Make it back, gentlemen, please.
17:57Mr Harris?
17:59Come on, let's get out of here. We're going to be in big trouble.
18:02Do we need to open another table in Cave 7?
18:04Oh, yeah, right. Go ahead, Keith.
18:07Miss Morrill, you won't say anything about this, will you?
18:12I designed this game.
18:14It's based on my map.
18:16Quintle's Point is an odd shape.
18:18Oh.
18:19That was Brian.
18:23A cocktail?
18:25Have a try.
18:27Get the phone, phone.
18:31Yes.
18:37Oh, that's more cocktail.
18:41Yeah, brain hairs suck, nosky, nosky, nosky.
18:44Brain hairs suck, nosky, nosky.
18:45Brain hairs suck, nosky, nosky.
18:47Hairy hair suck, nosky, nosky, hairy gear.
18:49Oh, oh, oh, you're mental.
18:52Oh, oh, oh!
18:53Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
18:55Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
18:57He's home, man.
19:14We got rhythm, but no tuning.
19:18We got rhythm, but no tuning capability.
19:22Oh.
19:27Chinsy, my island.
19:45Island of silt and sand.
19:50Twigs and stumps and tilth.
19:54And hedgerow fences, streams that flow.
20:00And nets and carts and pubs that flow.
20:06Logs and sticks and knitted gloves.
20:10Gloves with matching hats and scarves and pens and string and stationery and lots of coats and shoes and...
20:24Mr. Maven.
20:28Mr. Maven.
20:29The Great He wants you back at the tower immediately.
20:32No one's overseeing the island.
20:34Well, where's Seabree Mungerton?
20:35Oh, the Great He's moved him to another department, sir.
20:41Yes, yes, but what happened in Pam Eric?
20:48Who put the silt in Jesse's bedpan?
20:50We'll never know.
20:52The Great He has cancelled all Costuramas after the success of your show.
20:58He wants all real people's shows from now on.
21:03Pam Eric's been replaced by something called Fatter Than My Sister's Pig.
21:07It's quite good, actually.
21:09Mr. Maven, I've lived every moment with you.
21:12The Limpet Meal tragedy.
21:14The Rockpool Latrine.
21:16I've laughed with you.
21:17I've wept with you.
21:19I feel like I know you inside out.
21:22Sorry, who are you?
21:24I thought you were dead.
21:35No, no, just got a bit of a headache.
21:37I was really upset.
21:39Just thinking of the length of time it would take to train someone else.
21:43The tessellators still need mending on Likku.
21:45You'll have to go back.
21:46Oh, don't worry, sir.
21:47I'll be going back tonight.
21:49Good.
21:50Right, Trimps.
21:51Not work to do.
21:53What's on the Daily Scroll?
21:54Well, you have a hair fitting at 12.
21:57Is it with Desmond?
21:57No, Desmond's fully booked.
21:59Oh, stand back, sir.
22:00You're dripping.
22:01What?
22:01Oh, you are.
22:13Probably an infinite number of other islands, Sparrow.
22:17Full of people like you.
22:19People like me.
22:21Probably not like him.
22:22Oh, fair diddly well, my ginsio, we stand here on the shingle.
22:35I bang my manly mossop drum.
22:39I wave my little tingle.
22:41I've got legs that stand below me.
22:55I've got arms by my side.
23:00I've got hair.
23:03She's got hair.
23:04In various places.
23:06But my mind is far away.
23:11Far away.
23:14Far away.
23:17Far away.
23:19imaging save me.
23:19I figure out all about happy.
23:21I've got hair defeat.
23:22I've got hair if I can help.
23:23Far away.
23:24My airport.
23:24I've got hours tooply.
23:25I've got hair.
23:26I've got a focal point of the iceberg to me.
23:27I've got a hair.