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00:00The
00:30Theodora Wigmore was a woman ahead of her time.
00:41The 87th woman in Ireland to qualify as a pharmacist
00:46and the first woman in killin' a scully to wear trousers.
00:51She will be sadly missed.
00:54Her son Theo has composed a poem in her honour which he will now recite.
01:00When the bully boys steal all your toys
01:04and a bold girl swipes your dummy.
01:08When boarding school soup is putrid gloop
01:13and leaves a dicky tummy.
01:17When Uncle Reggie gives you a wedgie
01:21and is being far too chummy.
01:25At times like these, one hugs one's knees
01:29and cries out,
01:31Where is Mummy?
01:35Thank you, Theo.
01:39You'll want to watch what you're writin' on there, Timmy.
01:51That could be dangerous.
01:52What?
01:53Jimmy, you'd remember Batty Hogan from the Creamery Road.
01:56Well, I'll be glad I would.
01:58The fellow with the one ear?
02:00Yeah, he used to have the glasses sillotaped to his head.
02:02Well, Batty was out cuttin' tough one mornin'
02:04and he keeled over clutchin' his chest.
02:06Heart attack.
02:07Heart attack.
02:08And as Batty was lyin' there with the life drainin' out of his body,
02:11it suddenly dawned on him he never did up a will.
02:13And you see, Batty was after leavin' the wife
02:15for the young one of the Mulvannys.
02:17From Noddin' the Tuck.
02:18From Noddin' the Tuck?
02:19From Noddin' the Tuck.
02:20And Batty wanted the young one to get the farm over the wife.
02:24So as he was lyin' there, he pulled out a box of fags
02:27and with a broken pencil started to write,
02:29I lave everything to you.
02:32And he died.
02:33And who got the farm?
02:35Vincent and Hedges.
02:37And now, with what I'm sure are a few well-chosen words,
02:48my Roman Catholic counterpart, Father Philip Eno.
02:52Oh, yes, yes.
02:55At times like these, it comes home to you
02:58that death and suffering are not just for Catholics.
03:02Of course, we do it better than anyone else.
03:06Not that there was anything wrong with this morning's Mass.
03:09No, no, no, far from it.
03:10It's not actually called a Mass, is it?
03:12It's a service.
03:14I always think that's gas, you know?
03:16It makes it sound like a tennis match.
03:18Boop! Boop!
03:20OK, listen, come on, we'll say a decade of the Rosary.
03:27Or maybe not, eh?
03:29Right, back to you, Father.
03:32Thank you, Father.
03:34And now, as we commend our sister Theodora
03:37to her final resting place,
03:39if anyone wishes to say a few last words,
03:43now is the time.
03:45She owes me 120,000 euro.
03:49I beg your pardon?
03:51This woman owes me 120,000 euro.
03:54Well, this is hardly the time or the place.
03:57Oh, it's the time and the place, all right, Padre.
04:02And if I can't get it from her,
04:04I'll have to get it from somebody.
04:07Who's your man?
04:19Wigmore's brought his own solicitor.
04:23And he's at the bringin' his own beckin' sandwich.
04:26Gentlemen, could I trouble two of you
04:29to witness the reading of Mummy's will?
04:32Certainly, Theo.
04:33No, brother.
04:34Timmy?
04:35Jimmy?
04:36Last will and testament of Mrs. Theodora Wigmore,
04:46the medical hall, killin' a scully.
04:49I, Theodora Wigmore, being of sound mind...
04:53spend the money.
04:54What exactly does spent the money mean, Mr. Phibbs?
05:07It tends to suggest that your mother was essentially broke.
05:12Broke?
05:13Broke?
05:14Might I trouble you for some mustard?
05:16You might.
05:18But this is scarcely credible.
05:22Mummy was always so careful with money.
05:26For the past ten years,
05:28she couldn't even remember where she left her purse.
05:31There, I'm afraid, is the rope.
05:33It seems that the catatonic state
05:35which everyone took for dementia
05:37was, in fact, due to an addiction to opium,
05:41which your mother had managed to conceal for 50 years.
05:44Opium?
05:45So it seems.
05:49The nice and gross result of this predicament
05:51is that your mother's estate amounts to nothing.
05:54Nothing!
05:57Here.
06:00The matter is further complicated.
06:02By a demand for 120,000 euros
06:05from Mr. Billy the Butcher Kennedy,
06:08who operates at the lower reaches of the financial services.
06:12What?
06:13He's a dangerous moneylender.
06:15I believe he caused quite a stir at your mother's funeral.
06:18Oh!
06:19Him?
06:20Oh!
06:21What am I to do?
06:25Well, unless your mother has left a large bundle of cash hidden in the mattress,
06:30your best bet would be to...
06:32Leave the country.
06:34Leave the country?
06:36Without delay.
06:37You'll certainly have to vacate the house and shop immediately
06:41so that I can proceed to liquidate them and settle with Mr. Kennedy.
06:45What if I don't?
06:47Then you'll be toshed.
06:49What would you recommend, Dick?
06:59Well, I haven't watched any of them myself,
07:01but I believe the lady boys of Turnafola is very good.
07:06Killing the Scully Garda Station and Video Emporium?
07:12Ah, hello to you. What can I do for you?
07:15Who?
07:17Billy the Butcher Kennedy.
07:19That name rings a bell.
07:22Hang on a sec. I think they sent me down a poster about him.
07:28How are you, Brady?
07:30How are you, Pear?
07:31Is this any good, Pear?
07:33They're all good, Brady! Ha!
07:35I'll chance this one, Saudi.
07:37Instant whip.
07:39Sounds lively.
07:40How much is that?
07:41Five euro for the night.
07:43Here, hang that up there for me, Pear.
07:44Right there, boss.
07:46Hello, Theo.
07:47This fella's wanted for fraud, blackmail and GBH.
07:51But don't worry.
07:52If he turns up anywhere in my patch, we'll nab him.
07:56There you go.
07:58And I'll see you tomorrow.
07:59Right you are, Brady.
08:01Oh, hello, big boy.
08:04I'll go with you in a minute.
08:07Apparently, Theo Wigmore thinks he's in danger from this fella, Billy the Butcher Kennedy.
08:12He's wanted for fraud and blackmail and something called GBH.
08:16Previous badly have us.
08:18All right.
08:19What can I do for you?
08:21I was wondering if you could tell me where Theo Wigmore lives.
08:25Poor Theo is homeless at the moment.
08:28Oh?
08:29You'll probably find him with Lord Jackson's mare.
08:31What do you want him for?
08:33As it happens, I owe him some money.
08:36That'll be a relief to him.
08:38Apparently Theo owes a fortune to this gobshite.
08:41Really?
08:42I wonder if I might have a word.
08:43Certainly dear.
08:44I was wondering if I might prevail upon you to allow me to stay at Mount Bernadette for a few days.
08:56I'm sorry, Theo.
08:57I can't help you.
08:58I have the painter's in.
08:59Oh, good heavens.
09:00I didn't mean that.
09:01I wasn't suggesting.
09:02I assure you, all I wanted was a bed and perhaps a continental breakfast.
09:03You don't understand me, Theo.
09:04I have the painter's in.
09:05Timmy and Jimmy are redecorating for me.
09:06Oh.
09:07Oh.
09:08Timmy and Jimmy are redecorating for me.
09:09Oh.
09:10Oh.
09:11Theo.
09:12Oh.
09:13Oh.
09:14Oh.
09:15Oh.
09:16Oh.
09:17Oh, boy.
09:18And hear how to telephone and City guests.
09:19And有 New England.
09:20Oh.
09:21I'm sorry, Theo.
09:22I can't help you.
09:23I have the painter's in.
09:24Oh, good heavens.
09:25I didn't mean that.
09:26I wasn't suggesting.
09:27I assure you, all I wanted was a bed and perhaps a continental breakfast.
09:36You don't understand me, Theo.
09:37Didn't expect to see you here.
09:40Me neither, Father.
09:42Listen, Theo, while I have you, I have a confession to make.
09:46It's about your mother's funeral, you know, the whole rosary thing.
09:49Fine.
09:50I just assumed, you know, that's like...
09:52No, no, no, really fine.
09:54Right, well, what can I do for you?
09:56Rather unexpectedly, I need some place to stay.
10:01And I was wondering if I could bunk in with you.
10:03No, just for a short while, until I sort myself out.
10:08Oh, sorry, I don't have any room, no room at the inn, you know.
10:13Of course, no.
10:14It'd be completely different if you had a pregnant woman on a donkey outside.
10:21You don't, do you?
10:24No, Father.
10:25Grant.
10:33You all right, Theo?
10:36Jaxi, could I have a quiet word?
10:40You don't get him a brandy, Jaxi, after all he's been through.
10:42No, no, no.
10:43Honestly.
10:44I'll go on to you, it'll do you the world of good.
10:46No, Dan, really, thank you.
10:48Jaxi, could I have a quick word, please?
10:52Owing to recent events, I find myself somewhat deficient on the accommodation department.
11:09What?
11:10I was wondering if I could come and stay here.
11:16Stay here?
11:16Only for a short while.
11:20Needless to say, I'd be prepared to work my passage.
11:27You what?
11:28Do our jobs round the bar, that sort of thing.
11:31I know this is hard on you, Jaxi, but I have nowhere else to go.
11:40All right, just for a while, no mind.
11:44Fantastic.
11:44When can you check me in?
11:55What do you think, boss?
11:57He has to be around here somewhere.
12:00I should try.
12:01I can't believe.
12:15I can't believe.
12:16I can't believe.
12:20What time is it?
12:33Ten past ten.
12:34It should be open by now.
12:36You raise him, Jimmy.
12:37What?
12:43Go on, will you?
12:45Jaxie!
12:46Jaxie!
12:47Will you peg a stone?
12:50I think he might be dead.
13:08It's Jaxie we're talking about.
13:10Unless someone drove a stake through his hat and said there's nothing wrong with him.
13:14But what will we do?
13:15We'll peg a bigger stone.
13:20Oh, Jaxie!
13:26Jaxie!
13:31Luther!
13:32Well, you told me to do it.
13:35Jaxie!
13:36What do you want?
13:37Jaxie!
13:37Wake up!
13:38Wake up!
13:40Somebody is bombarding us with stones.
13:43What?
13:43The house is under attack.
13:46It must be that money lender.
13:49The butcher Kennedy.
13:54He could never have slept through that.
13:56Hang on a minute.
13:57Isn't that Jaxie's bedroom?
14:00What are you doing down there?
14:02What time are you opening up?
14:04What?
14:04I think he might have opened up too much already.
14:06A book club?
14:15Yes.
14:16And now we're talking about opera appreciation evenings and dance classes.
14:20Here?
14:21Here?
14:22Mother of God.
14:23I was not turning the place into a nurse centre.
14:26He's scrubbing and cleaning and running around behind me picking up things.
14:28May I have a private word, Jaxie?
14:37What's wrong with here?
14:38Very well.
14:39What, may I ask, is this?
14:43What do you think it is?
14:46Whatever it is, it will have to go.
14:48I am not sharing a space with this vile creature.
14:53With me grandfather's.
14:55You can see the resemblance, all right, Jaxie?
14:58Gentlemen, can I help you?
15:04I'm looking for a fella by the name of Wigmore.
15:07T.O. Wigmore.
15:10Wigmore, Wigmore.
15:12No, Dan.
15:14I don't know any Wigmores.
15:16What about, who'd be looking for him?
15:19Billy, the butcher, Kennedy.
15:22Who's he?
15:25He's a horse.
15:27Who are you, horse?
15:28Right.
15:31Well, if you see Theo,
15:34tell him his days are numbered.
15:46You should have seen him, Garetti,
15:48like some sort of monster from the deep.
15:52Are you familiar with the poem Ogre by Sidney Babshot?
15:56No.
15:57And I'd like to keep it that way, Theo.
16:01Would you like a drop?
16:02No.
16:03Thank you, Garetti.
16:04A cup of tea will be fine.
16:06Oh, suit yourself.
16:08I always find after a fright,
16:10nothing sorts me out better than a large, stiff one.
16:13Pick a card, Theo.
16:14Death.
16:16Death.
16:18It's only a matter of time until the butcher finds me.
16:23And unless I find the money that Mummy owed him, I'm finished.
16:27She must have left something.
16:29I'm sure she left a bundle of cash around the house.
16:32Why don't you ask her?
16:33It may have escaped your attention, Garetti,
16:36but Mummy is dead.
16:38Oh, that's just a minor detail to you.
16:51What?
16:52I didn't say nothing.
16:54Well, don't.
16:55A seance?
17:01Garetti has a squeegee board in the attic.
17:03She's able to contact people on the other side.
17:06On the other side of what?
17:08She talks to dead people.
17:12Dead people?
17:13She's got to ask Theo's own if there's any money knocking about.
17:21How are you, Theo?
17:27I believe you're putting a call into the Mammy.
17:30Well, it can't do any harm.
17:34You're welcome to join us if you wish.
17:37No, thank you, Theo.
17:38That wouldn't be my cup of tea at all.
17:40Do you believe in all that stuff, Dan?
17:41Ghosts and spirits and contacting the dead.
17:45There's supposed to be something in it, all right?
17:47Should you remember that girl in the Cullighys?
17:49Lord of Claheen Road?
17:51What happened to her?
17:53Oh, so she was tormented night after night for two years
17:56with some fella coming into the room rubbing her on the leg.
17:59Oh, was she upset?
18:01What do you think?
18:02He must have been rubbing her up the wrong way.
18:07Do you mean she experienced a phantasm?
18:09Oh, multiple phantasms, Theo.
18:12Night after night.
18:14But she'll have to get the priest in in the end to say the rosary.
18:16And she'll have only rose the ghost.
18:17Oh, that gives me the willies.
18:19They eventually got a woman in with a Ouija board.
18:21Madam Noni.
18:24Madam Noni.
18:25Was she a medium?
18:27They say she was extra large.
18:28But she was able to contact the ghost anyway
18:30and find out what he wanted.
18:31But all spirits is looking for something.
18:35And what was this fella looking for then?
18:38His horn.
18:39I beg your pardon?
18:40Yeah.
18:41It turns out the ghost was some old creator called Fennessy
18:43who was 60 years with the mother of perpetual sucker Brasson Reed Band.
18:47And he died 30 years earlier in that very room
18:51and left his horn under the bed.
18:53When the girl had a colour he's put it out in the shed.
18:55After she left it back, he never laid a finger on her.
18:59But she had the poor family of the colour he's had to move out after that.
19:02The ghost minded him night and day with him playing Kevin Barry.
19:06She couldn't find the Ouija board
19:12so she's going to channel the spirits herself.
19:16Does she channel spirits often?
19:18Well, she's channeled a full bottle already today.
19:21Now, hands together.
19:24Oh!
19:26Who's there?
19:27It's Timmy, Theo and Nurse Maloney.
19:30No.
19:31Who's there from the other side?
19:34Is that you, Teodora?
19:36Mummy?
19:37Knock once for yes.
19:39Twice for no.
19:43You sound confused.
19:45That would be mummy, all right.
19:47Reveal yourself!
19:52Did I miss Anton?
19:53You freaking idiot!
19:54You frightened the life out of us!
19:56I almost had a coronary.
19:58Sit down, will you?
19:59Sit down!
20:01Teodora Wigmore!
20:03Are you there?
20:06Hello, who's calling?
20:10Mummy?
20:11No, it's only you.
20:14Mummy, you don't sound at all like yourself.
20:17I have a tickly throat.
20:19Oh.
20:20Mummy, did you by any chance leave any money lying about the house?
20:25I'm sure you'll find a couple of euros stuffed down the back of the sofa.
20:30No, no.
20:30I mean serious money.
20:33There's a dangerous money lender out to get me.
20:36And it's all thanks to your dope habit.
20:39Oh, for God's sake, Theo.
20:41Could a girl not have a bit of fun?
20:43Don't be such a mammy's boy.
20:46Be a man.
20:47Face up to the little bastard.
20:49Little?
20:50There's nothing little about him.
20:57Mummy?
20:59God.
21:01Right.
21:02Which one of you pansies is Theo Wigmore.
21:06He is.
21:08But they are.
21:10Right.
21:11Now we can do this the easy way.
21:14Easy way.
21:16And the hard way.
21:17Millie.
21:21What?
21:21Millie Candy, you little scutcher.
21:24Ma!
21:24Don't you, ma me.
21:27You're no son of mine.
21:29No son of butter mother through what I went through with you.
21:32Where are you, ma?
21:34Where am I?
21:36There's little you care.
21:37You've my poor old soul tormented day and night, yeah.
21:40Oh, mammy.
21:42But it's nothing compared to the hell you put me through.
21:46In and out of prison.
21:48You'd be poor, hard-scarled to see yourself.
21:51I'm sorry, ma'am.
21:52I really am.
21:54Sorry?
21:55Sorry, is it?
21:56It's a big life for sorries now.
21:59Is it?
22:01Is it?
22:03I suppose people can always mend their ways.
22:05Did you hear that?
22:08Most people can mend their ways.
22:11I swear I'll be a good boy from now on.
22:15Well, you better head.
22:16I will, ma.
22:18I will.
22:20Good lad.
22:21Sorry.
22:35Apology accepted.
22:38What are you going to do now?
22:39I don't...
22:42No.
22:46Be on, Rui.
22:56Contemporary dance.
22:57That's what he said.
22:59Apparently it was a boyhood dream.
23:01Before he fell in with a bad crowd.
23:03Well, there couldn't have been any worse than the show he's with now.
23:06All right, boys.
23:10One more time.
23:12From the top.
23:32Bravo, boys.
23:35Well done.
23:46Go on.
23:49Do it again.
23:53It's nothing compared to the trouble you caused me.
23:57In and out of prison, you'd be how scarred you had.
24:00Go on.
24:04Don't hear Dora.
24:05Don't hear Dora.
24:08I'll be back.
24:09Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh