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00:00The following program contains naughty bits, but before each naughty bit comes on the screen,
00:22you'll hear this warning sound.
00:30I'd like to interrupt the standard opening of our show so we can move straight along.
00:41And now, the effervescent.
00:43Did you ever know him when he effervescent?
00:45Kenny Everett!
00:46Hello, listeners, and welcome to show three.
00:50We've had millions of letters, but we're going to carry on anyway.
00:53In today's show, we've got old bits, new bits, and Captain Kremen.
01:00He's so crunchy.
01:02And now, it's over there time.
01:05No, no.
01:06We're not ready yet.
01:07Okay, I'll carry on alone.
01:09Hello, folks.
01:10Well, we've got a mixed bag today, and you'll see her later on.
01:14And now, one of the better of the cheaper acts.
01:16Susie Quattro.
01:17Go ahead and laugh at me, try to be the man you want to be.
01:34Maybe it's not hard to see what's going on.
01:39Well, maybe we should celebrate and drink champagne.
01:44Why should we wait?
01:46Why don't we ask some friends around?
01:49They can help us play this game we've found.
01:52Let's bring everybody down.
01:55Will we ever be ready for what we're heading for?
01:58Here we stand like a couple of fools, and the race is on.
02:03Hand in hand as we break the rules, and the race is on.
02:08What's the cost to the one who lost when the race goes wrong?
02:14You may say, why begin when we both can't win, but the race goes on.
02:20Hand in hand like a couple of fools, and the race is on.
02:25Well, surprise, surprise, a few more lies, or do we simply call them alibis?
02:42In this life we didn't fool in either one of us.
02:48Oh, and while we're having so much fun, let's not forget the lonely ones.
02:54Slowly falling out of love, and this game we play can be so rough.
02:59Now maybe we've gone far enough, but are you sure you know just what we're heading for?
03:05Here we stand like a couple of fools, and the race is on.
03:10Hand in hand as we break the rules, and the race is on.
03:15What's the cost to the one who lost when the race goes wrong?
03:21You may say, why begin when we both can't win, but the race goes on.
03:27Hand in hand like a couple of fools, and the race is on.
03:32Hand in hand like a couple of fools, and the race is on.
03:35Hand in hand like a couple of fools, and the race is on.
03:39Hand in hand as we break the rules, and the race is on.
03:55Hand in hand like a couple of fools, and the race is on.
03:58Here we stand like a couple of fools, and the race is on.
04:00Hand in hand as we break the rules, and the race is on.
04:05What's the cost to the one who lost when the race goes wrong?
04:10You may say, why begin when we both can't win, but the race goes on.
04:16Hand in hand like a couple of fools, and the race is on.
04:22Hand in hand like a couple of fools, and the race is on.
04:30Hello. I'm Spod, from the planet Thryn.
04:36And this is all I do.
04:39Pathetic, isn't it?
04:4321st Century, in association with Worldwide Distribution Services, a subsidiary of Intercontinental Video, presents a Remarkable Enterprises production.
04:51Captain Kremen.
04:53You're the only man alive that can handle this mission, Kremen.
04:59I know, sir.
05:00It's up to you to save my empire, Captain.
05:03Yes, Your Majesty.
05:04Do you realize, Kremen, that the fate of the continental United States is in your hands?
05:09Fear not, Mr. President. It's not for nothing that they call me...
05:13The world's most fabulous man!
05:17Computer readout.
05:19Subject, Captain Elvis Brandenburg Kremen.
05:22Born December 25th, 1950.
05:24Height, 6 foot 10.
05:26Physical attributes, Supreme athlete, concert pianist, Concord pilot, mountain climber, diplomat, space captain of genius.
05:33IQ, 498.
05:35Hi, kids. Kremen here.
05:37You remember last time, Gort, leader of the Thargoids, banished us to Sunaru 9 to spend the rest of our lives digging in the mud mines.
05:46Well, have fun in the mud, you three.
05:50You evil nerd.
05:52I summoned up a whopper and spat in his eye.
05:59You'll pay for this, Kremen.
06:01How much?
06:0250 p...
06:03Done.
06:04Guards hustled us out of the throne room and bundled us into an auto-drive galactopod with just enough fuel for a one-way trip to Sunaru 9.
06:15The ship rose slowly into the green night sky and slipped effortlessly away.
06:20Captain, I really don't think you should have spat in his eye like that.
06:23You're right, Carla. I should have stuck my foot up his nostril instead.
06:27I know, but look what's ahead of us now, banished forever to a radioactive lump of mud.
06:32Well, at least we won't be lacking for company, Captain.
06:35What do you mean? There are other people on this moon, you know.
06:38Really? Who are they?
06:39Many years ago, Captain, the Thargoids ran out of natural sources of energy, just as the Earth did in 1994.
06:47Hmm?
06:48And just like us, they looked for other ways of obtaining it.
06:52Well, it certainly looks like they succeeded.
06:54Indeed. They discovered that one of their moons, Sunaru 9, was entirely made of radioactive mud, just right for converting into power.
07:04So they sent teams of workers to dig it out.
07:07Don't tell me. The radioactivity reduced them into mumbling, brainless dum-dums.
07:12Yes, Captain. And they're hoping the same will happen to us.
07:17Well, how are our heroes gonna get out of this mess? Find out in part two of the Kenny Everett video show.
07:24Hello. Sid Snot here on the Kelly Enema show. I've been asked to do a slight introduction to a new Disky Poo by Nick Lowe.
07:37Nick Lowe.
07:38I remember the night the kid cut off his right arm
07:50In a bit to save a bit of power
07:54He got 50,000 watts
07:57In a big acoustic tower
08:00Security's so tight tonight
08:03Whoa, they're ready for a chussel
08:06Better keep your backstage passes
08:10Cause the promoter had a muscle
08:12So it goes, so it goes, so it goes, so it goes, so it goes
08:16But where it's going, no one knows
08:19So it goes, so it goes, so it goes, so it goes, so it goes
08:23But where it's going, no one knows
08:26Oh
08:34Yeah, it's all buildings
08:36At the head of all nations
08:38Worthy men from Spain and Siam
08:42All day discussions with the Russians
08:44But they still went ahead
08:46Had to be over the plan
08:49Now up's up the U.S. Representative
08:51He's the one with the tired eyes
08:54ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ
09:24ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ
09:54ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ ΒΆ οΏ½
10:24Huh?
10:49Hello! Chickens rule, OK?
10:52This time, it's not stars on Sunday, it's chickens on Sunday.
10:57In the show tonight, we have someone who's flown all the way from Capri,
11:01the one and only Gracie Chicken, who'll be singing A Fried With Me.
11:06We've also got the two Ronnies, Ronnie Chicken and Ronnie Chicken,
11:10who'll be saying It's Good Night From Me and It's Cluck Cluck From Him
11:14and singing Onward Chicken Soldiers.
11:19That's the end of the yoke. Carry on.
11:22You're tuned to the Kenny's Red Video Show
11:28Commercial time!
11:30Hair getting thin? Well, who wants fat hair?
11:34But seriously, if your hair looks as if you're still growing
11:37and it's moved back to make way,
11:39if the only safe thing to keep your hair in is a bo...
11:42I failed you all.
11:46Hair getting thin?
11:47Well, who wants fat hair?
11:50If your hair looks as if you're still going...
11:54Shut up, Cameron.
11:57Sorry, folks.
11:59Hair getting thin?
12:00Well, who wants fat hair?
12:04I can't do it.
12:07Do you look up and seriously?
12:08Is that what's bugging it?
12:10No, it's great.
12:11It's great. It's making me laugh.
12:12That's so great.
12:14Damn, sorry.
12:15All right, I'm ready now.
12:17Hair getting thin?
12:19Well, who wants fat hair?
12:22But seriously, if your hair looks as if you're still growing
12:25and it's moved back to make way,
12:28if the only safe thing to keep your hair in is a box,
12:31if most of it's waved, goodbye.
12:34Try Follicle, the new Wonder Hair Restorer.
12:37If you want new style and grace,
12:40if you want to comb your face,
12:42transform every molecule,
12:44a new fast-acting follicle.
12:45Here's a letter from just one of us.
12:49It goes like this.
12:51Dear Lenny,
12:52Since using Follicle,
12:53my hair has begun to grow again in profusion.
12:56Friends have remarked on the change in my appearance,
12:58especially during the full moon.
13:00Please rush me a fresh ten-gallon tank
13:02and free silver bullet.
13:04I'd just like to say thank you, Follicle.
13:07Yours hirsutely,
13:09Lon Chaney Jr.
13:10If you want new style and grace,
13:12if you want to comb your face,
13:15transform every molecule,
13:16a new fast-acting follicle.
13:19Yes, friends,
13:20hairiness can be yours
13:21with just 78 academic creations.
13:23Mom,
13:24the last f***ing word!
13:26If you want new style and grace,
13:29if you want to comb your face,
13:31transform every molecule,
13:33a new fast-acting follicle.
13:35Remember,
13:36nothing that stuff...
13:37Nothing...
13:38It's fine.
13:42Remember,
13:43nothing grows faster than
13:44follicle.
13:47Folks.
13:47Not bad, not bad,
13:48not bad, not bad,
13:49that sketch was not too bad.
13:51Wasn't that a great item?
13:52And now it's time for...
13:55It's time for the naughty bit.
13:58A lot of great mail about the naughty bit.
14:00Lots of people think it's really...
14:02And great.
14:04Even Lord Thames
14:05sent a telegram down
14:06from the upper offices
14:07and he thought it was just...
14:09So,
14:10we're going to do you one.
14:11I think a naughty bit's
14:12just a naughty bit,
14:13don't you?
14:14So here it comes.
14:15A naughty bit.
14:17With greasy thighs in it.
14:20And wobbling...
14:21Lumpy bits.
14:22And people going
14:25all over the place
14:26with their bodies.
14:26Cheers!
14:56Cheers!
15:26Cheers!
15:56Cheers!
16:26Cheers!
16:56Cheers!
17:26Oh, rejoice with all my friends
17:31I say rejoice with all my friends
17:56Hello, Spod here again from Planet Thun
18:23Here's an old friend of mine, a cosmic buddy, Captain Cremon
18:28He's not as good as me, though
18:30He doesn't go...
18:35Hi, space fans, Cremon again
18:37Remember in part one, we were heading for Tsunaru 9, the radioactive mud planet
18:43Is there no protection against this radioactivity?
18:46The only thing that really works is to dress from head to foot in pure silver
18:50But we haven't got any
18:51What's the closest thing to silver, Captain?
18:54The Lone Ranger's bum, Carla
18:56Oh
18:56A few hours later, we arrived
19:01We looked out of the porthole and saw it there below us
19:05It was a moon about the size of Earth's
19:07But brown, wet, and yucky
19:10Suddenly, the fuel ran out
19:13And we plummeted down to the surface
19:15Here, Carla, put these space wellies on
19:25Oh, Captain, look out there
19:27A reception committee
19:28Sure enough, coming towards us through the mud was a group of radioactive mud men
19:34Limping, twisted lumps that once had been human
19:39Now nargled beyond recognition
19:42Oh, Captain, look
19:43That one's got three knees
19:46Their leader opened up a hole in his head and spoke
19:49What did he say, Doc?
19:53He said it's extremely difficult
19:56To talk
19:59It's extremely difficult to talk to you
20:02With a mouthful of mud
20:06Well, tell him to spit it out
20:08Spit it out
20:09Thanks
20:11As the doctor stood there with a mud Gilbert sliding down the front of his space suit
20:15I measured Carla for radioactivity
20:18Golly, Carla
20:19What?
20:19According to this Geiger counter, you've got far too many Geigers
20:22Oh, Captain, if I die, you can have my hi-fi
20:25And the keys to my flat
20:26And all my expensive collection of debris
20:28Carla, I wouldn't let you die
20:30You know that
20:31And my life-size fuzzy bear doll
20:34Carla!
20:34And this handy-dandy transistorized escape kit
20:37Carla, there's no way that I...
20:40What?
20:40Escape kit?
20:41Did you say escape kit?
20:43Yes, Captain
20:44I always carry it with me
20:45You know the scrapes a girl can get into
20:47Do you think it'll work in radioactive mud?
20:50I don't know
20:50I forgot to ask the guy I bought it off
20:52Well, let's give it a whirl, Carla
20:53Okay
20:54It might get us out of here
20:55Well, will it?
20:57Tune in next week, space fans
20:59For the next fab adventure
21:00Of Kramon, King of the Cosmos!
21:14That's better
21:15Most of the other cruddy pop shows
21:20Bring you acts that are slap-bang up-to-date
21:23Even if they're rotten
21:24But here on the Kenny Everett Video Show
21:27We only bring you great stuff
21:29Even if it's slightly old
21:30And this is about a year old
21:31It was done by Gordon Giltrap
21:33Hello, Gordon
21:33Say hello to the viewer
21:34Hello, viewer
21:35This was done about a year ago by Gordon
21:37And it was called Heart Song
21:39And it was really terrific
21:40You probably heard it on the wireless a lot
21:41So, hear it again
21:42As we have a blast from the past
21:44From Gordon Giltrap
21:45Heart Song Q
21:46We'll be right back to you
22:16We'll be right back to you
22:46We'll be right back to you
23:16We'll be right back to you
23:46We'll be right back to you
24:16We'll be right back to you
24:18We'll be right back to you
24:46Gordon Giltrap and Heart Song
24:56Gordon Giltrap and Heart Song
24:59Wasn't that great?
25:01Shame they forgot the words
25:02Hello?
25:04Here we are once again in the video vault deep below Thames Television in the ball where all the fab old videotapes of all past programs are stored for our future delights
25:19I thought we'll be right back to you
25:20I thought we'll be right back to you
25:21I thought we might see something delicate and filmy and sort of childlike today
25:24Remember those Saturday mornings where we used to go to the cinemas when you were a kid and they used to show lots of fab cartoons?
25:29Well here's a cartoon that's never been seen on a program like that before and probably never will
25:37I'll be right back to you
25:39I will
25:41I will
25:43I'll be right back to you
25:45I'll be right back to you
25:49I'll be right back to you
26:41Drat, I had five quid on Bambi to win.
26:44Apparently, you're sitting there in your armchairs,
26:46over-stuffed with entertainment and fab items
26:49that have been zooming out from us through the screen to you.
26:53But to show there's mercy in our arts, we're going to stop now.
26:56But don't worry, it's not hello or goodbye
26:59or farewell or au revoir or Alf Wiederszain.
27:02It's meanwhile.