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00:59Dear Minister of Social Elfair.
01:02What's Elfair?
01:04It should be Welfair, but the W is stuck.
01:08I have been signing on, on and off for almost 30 years,
01:14and as a loyal customer, I am disappointed at the A I have been treated.
01:19I have not received any dole for eight long eeks.
01:24Eeks?
01:25Weeks.
01:27Destitution forces me, like my forefathers,
01:33to emigrate to England to seek my fortune by signing on over there.
01:37So there.
01:38Just so as you know, for the last 15 years,
01:40I have been signing on and killing the scully,
01:42balian faggarts, and claiming for three fictitious kids and a wife.
01:47Wife.
01:49Are you really going to go, Dad?
01:51Yeah. I am fed up with this Banana Republic.
01:53I am off to England on Tuesday.
01:55Jimmy, the belly post office, and don't spare the horses.
01:58Right, child, then.
02:01Over the boys.
02:03Hi, Dennis.
02:04How's Dennis?
02:06And what delightful missives have you got for us this morning?
02:09Just the usual.
02:11Timmy, your comic.
02:12Deadly.
02:14Lady's fancy briefs, £3.99.
02:16What?
02:16No, it's not.
02:19They came from over there.
02:21Science fiction comic.
02:23No, don't.
02:25Fancy I'm love with a heart from a few, then.
02:27Oh, that's never good.
02:30Theo's opera gazelle.
02:32And some bills for Jackson.
02:36Exploring Wagner's ring.
02:38Department of Social Welfare.
02:44Dear Mr. Clancy,
02:45I am pleased to inform you that your unemployment assistance has been reinstated.
02:51The enclosed check covers the last eight weeks.
02:54I trust this delay hasn't caused too much hardship for Mrs. Clancy, Huey, Dewey and Louie.
02:59Who?
03:00Dan's out to get them three kids.
03:02Congratulations!
03:03No, no, they're 15 years old and fictitious.
03:09What?
03:10The letter.
03:11What letter?
03:12The other letter.
03:21Deezer.
03:23Dan?
03:24Dan?
03:29I may be back!
03:33Sorry about this, dear.
03:41It's an emergency.
03:42What kind of emergency?
03:44A postal emergency.
03:46A postal emergency?
03:48What the fuck are you doing?
04:11That letter he posted.
04:12I have to get it.
04:13Are you told me to?
04:15Wait here.
04:21Come out, lads.
04:22Come out of the way.
04:23Come out.
04:24Coming through there.
04:24Coming through.
04:25Come out of it.
04:26Where do you think you're gone?
04:27I want me letter.
04:28What letter?
04:29The letter Jimmy posted by mistake.
04:31I didn't know anyone in Kilnaskully could write.
04:37Listen, bimbo.
04:39Open that post box and give me back me letter.
04:42Read that.
04:46It's from the Department for Communications.
04:49That's illegible.
04:50Yeah.
04:50Well, it states that a letter, once posted, becomes the property of the Minister for Communications
04:56and cannot be retrieved under any circumstances.
05:00Yeah.
05:00Now, today's pension day.
05:03And I can't pay out with you standing there.
05:08Don't mess with pension day.
05:11Little bastard.
05:12Come on.
05:16Let's get out of here.
05:17Where's the other fella?
05:19I was trying to get the letter from the box.
05:21Nearly had it in all.
05:23Come on.
05:23I can't, John.
05:24My hand's stuck.
05:25Are you completely stupid?
05:27Are you taking lessons?
05:29Come on, Dieter.
05:40If the Minister gets that letter,
05:42I'm finished.
05:45We could pull the post box out of the ground.
05:47With the tractor.
05:49Nah.
05:50The gearbox bandjacks on it.
05:51Oh.
05:53Hey.
05:54What about Paddy the Gorilla?
05:56Who?
05:57Paddy the Gorilla Coddhuey.
05:59You know, the rebel fella.
06:01What about him?
06:02He could blow up the post box.
06:04I thought he was decommissioned.
06:06He hasn't gone away, you know.
06:08He's above in my gunny cross,
06:10surrounded by any amount of fertiliser and wires.
06:14Give him a ring.
06:15Violence is hardly the answer.
06:18It's not violence.
06:20We'll just blow up a post box.
06:21This is Timmy Higgins.
06:34We were wondering if you could blow up the post box in Bali.
06:37Thanks.
06:44Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:45Yeah, perhaps a piece of chewing gum, yeah,
06:48could be put on the end of his stick.
06:50And this is inserted.
06:54What?
06:55The Gorilla wasn't in.
06:57I left a message.
06:59I have it.
07:00Violence might not be the answer,
07:01but violence might.
07:03Come on.
07:05Dieter?
07:06Pick off, will you?
07:15I am not sure I want to be mixed up in your monkey's business.
07:18It's not monkey's business, Dieter.
07:21Anyway, I'm just trying to get back what's legitimately mine.
07:23Besides, no one will know it's us.
07:27Jeez, these are tight.
07:28Could you not get anything bigger?
07:30Sorry, Dan.
07:318.68 is all they had.
07:32Here, keep the engine running and wait for us here.
07:36Come on, you.
07:51Right.
07:51How are you, Jimmy?
08:10What are you doing?
08:12I was just saying hello.
08:13You're not supposed to talk to anybody.
08:15Nobody's supposed to know who we are.
08:16Sorry, Dan.
08:18How many times have I told you I'm not Dan?
08:20I'm Mr. Green.
08:22Right, Dan.
08:23And you're not Timmy, you're Mr. Pink.
08:25Okay, Dan.
08:26You won't have to tell me again.
08:27Oh, jeez.
08:29Yoo-hoo!
08:30Howdy, girls.
08:32Hello, Dan.
08:32Hello, Timmy.
08:36Come on.
08:37I'm not Timmy.
08:39I'm Mr. Pink.
08:40I'm not Timmy.
08:40I'm Mr. Pink.
08:42Hello, Dan.
08:46Everybody on the ground!
08:48Hello!
08:49I said everybody on the ground!
08:51He's Mr. Green, not Dan.
08:53And I'm not Timmy.
08:54I'm Mr. Pink!
08:55What's that, Dick?
09:11I think it's the alarm panel.
09:15Christian Hermes, is it?
09:17I have no idea.
09:18It's the right and fate of any two years ago.
09:21To say that the bank, in fact,
09:24it's the Ballypost Office of the Mygeny Credit Union.
09:28What do we do now?
09:29Sleep.
09:30Command it.
09:34Oh, to door, Dick.
09:37Right.
09:38Where is it?
09:38There we.
09:52What?
09:52I'm afraid Dan and Timmy are about to do something stupid.
09:58Well, what makes today any different than the other day?
10:01Listen up, everyone.
10:04I said listen up, everyone.
10:06Quiet!
10:09That's better.
10:10Oh, no.
10:14We're being held up by George Formby.
10:18No, I'm not.
10:19I'm Mr. Pink.
10:21Haven't I, Dan?
10:22How many times have I'd say it?
10:23It's Mr. Green.
10:24No, I'm definitely Mr. Pink.
10:26Are you going to read the proclamation?
10:28What?
10:29The proclamation.
10:30The way they did in the other post office, the GPO.
10:34What are you on about?
10:36The proclamation.
10:38Are you proper rebels or what?
10:40No.
10:42Now, listen, everyone.
10:43Let the English bastards come, that's what I say.
10:46We'll be ready for them.
10:48Hey!
10:58Does that thing have to be on?
11:00Oh, yes.
11:01It's much more exciting.
11:08Look it.
11:09This is not a rebellion, all right?
11:11Unless Paddy the Gorilla listens to his messages.
11:14Will you stop interrupting?
11:16Sorry, Dan.
11:17Mr. Green, sorry.
11:20Now, this is a hold-up.
11:22So give me the key of the post box and we'll be on our way.
11:25No can do.
11:27Right.
11:28Everyone settle down, because no one leaves here till I get my letter back.
11:31I need to go to the toilet.
11:34Me too.
11:36Mr. Pink.
11:38Mr. Pink!
11:40What?
11:41Take these ladies to the toilet.
11:43Me?
11:44Yes, you.
11:45Come on!
11:47Keep your hands where I can see them!
11:53What's that?
11:55What the f***?
11:56Oh, my God.
11:57I think I should leave now.
11:59Peter!
12:03Traitor!
12:03Typical and a f***ing loser.
12:14Does anyone know the German for a yellow-bellied weasel?
12:18There's no toilet roll.
12:20Well, tell him to use that.
12:23Bubble wrap?
12:24If this won't flush, well, tell him to pop the bubbles first.
12:28All right.
12:29Hey!
12:29You'll have to pay for that.
12:34Testing, one, two, one, two.
12:37Do you not have a proper megaphone?
12:40I sold it.
12:41How's Dick?
12:42How are you, Jimmy?
12:43Yes, sir, Grant.
12:44No point in complaining.
12:46Dad!
12:47This is Dick.
12:49I have the place surrounded.
12:51Come on, put your hands up.
12:56I presume you've been trained in hostage negotiation.
13:00No, but I did a correspondence course in sales techniques, which is much the same thing.
13:07Dan!
13:09Dan!
13:09Did you hear that?
13:10I think we should surrender.
13:12Surrender?
13:13Sure, it's all he dig.
13:14The only thing he could surround is a donut.
13:16No, we need a plan.
13:18What's your favourite country?
13:20What?
13:21If you were to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
13:24Disneyland.
13:25No, no, no.
13:25Country.
13:27Disneyland.
13:27Disneyland.
13:28Put down the sausage.
13:38Sergeant Tom Gusset, Rapid Response Unit.
13:41Where's Dick?
13:42Dick.
13:49Now listen up.
13:50I'm listening.
13:52We've seven hostages in here.
13:54Another ukulele, and I'm not afraid to use it.
13:58What are your demands?
14:00I'll let all the hostages go free.
14:02If I can get a lift to knock from me and me gang.
14:05How many are in the gang?
14:07Two.
14:07Three.
14:08Three.
14:09Right.
14:10I'll take it there myself.
14:12I also need a plane with enough fuel to go to Mexico.
14:15Good night, the gang.
14:17It's Mr. Green, for fix sake, Mr. Green.
14:20No can do.
14:22Oh, come on.
14:23Work with me here, will you?
14:24I'm a fella inside there who thinks that Disneyland is a country.
14:26Disneyland is a country, isn't it?
14:31I'll tell you what.
14:32Let everyone go, and I'll give you a lift down to Jacksies,
14:36and I'll throw in a golf umbrella and a clock radio.
14:40FM or medium wave?
14:41FM should there's fake all on medium wave.
14:46You have a deal?
14:48That's the way to negotiate a hostage situation.
14:51Just one more thing.
14:52What?
14:52I'm not leaving here without my letter, and it's in that box.
14:57You know you can't have that, Dan.
14:59That's ministerial property.
15:01If I don't get my letter within the hour,
15:03there'll be bodies piling up out here like, like, like, like, like, like in the films.
15:09Don't make me have to send for reinforcements.
15:13Ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:14Reinforcements.
15:15Ha, ha, ha.
15:16Reinforcements.
15:18Ha, ha, ha.
15:18Ha, ha, ha.
15:19No.
15:21Reinforcements.
15:23Ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:24Ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:29She's a lovely bus boss.
15:31What's on the clock?
15:32Nothing.
15:32She's brand new, straight out of the shop.
15:35We just called in to make Dick jealous.
15:37Where is he?
15:38What do you take for her?
15:39She's not for sale.
15:41Where is Dick?
15:42I'll do you a fair deal.
15:42No messing.
15:43Ha, ha, no.
15:44You're grand.
15:45Just tell us where Dick is.
15:47I'll pay you cash money right here now, sir.
15:48Look, the car's not for sale, OK?
15:51Ooh.
15:54Just tell us where Dick is.
15:56You'll find him below in the Bally Post Office.
15:58Some old hostage situation down there.
16:01Hostage?
16:01That's right.
16:01Bally Post Office.
16:03Go, go, go!
16:04Go, go!
16:09Watch the bus!
16:10Go!
16:16Bally's that way.
16:18That way.
16:23Cut it out, will ya?
16:25Sorry.
16:25I'd say you'll get somewhere between 10 and 15 years.
16:28What's she on about, Dad?
16:30I ignore her.
16:31With good behaviour, you might get out after 7.
16:34Oh, jeez.
16:34I think we should surrender.
16:36Don't worry.
16:38Dev has taken over Boland's Mill.
16:40The English bastards will be sent home with their tails between their legs.
16:44Up the Republic.
16:46Mother of God.
16:48So what happens now?
16:50I don't know about you, but I'd murder a donut.
16:52Do you mind if I have a go?
16:55I will walk away.
16:58There is a tide in the affair...
17:00Saints preserve us.
17:02We've taken over the flan...
17:03Oh, don't tell me we've to go putting up with that old shock.
17:08Hey!
17:09That bloody Jax is all clogged up with mubbin' wrap.
17:13Great.
17:13All this can go wrong.
17:14Is it the English?
17:21I'd say you're looking at 15 to 20 now.
17:28Fickin' Gusset.
17:29Who?
17:30Tom Gusset.
17:31We both joined up the same day.
17:33Fickin' plainclothes clone.
17:35How are you, Dick?
17:37Still driving that little yoke.
17:39How many kidnappers are there?
17:41Two.
17:42Three.
17:43Three.
17:44Have you established contact yet?
17:51Get me the number for Bally Post Office.
17:56Sergeant.
17:57Have you any comment to make at this stage?
18:00Get me the number of Bally Post Office.
18:06Hello, Bally Post Office.
18:09It's for you, Sergeant Gusset.
18:13Hello?
18:14Tom Gusset.
18:15Rapid Response Unit.
18:17Is anybody hurt in there?
18:19Timmy's a bit upset, all right.
18:21Who?
18:22Er...
18:23Mr. Pink.
18:26Run a check on a Timmy Pink.
18:30Have you harmed anyone else?
18:32No.
18:33Let me talk to one of the hostages.
18:35What?
18:36Put on a hostage.
18:37I need to know that they're okay.
18:39It's for you.
18:43Hello?
18:44Is anyone hurt in there?
18:45What?
18:46Is everyone okay?
18:48The post office is in ruins.
18:51Changed.
18:52Changed utterly.
18:54Bodies everywhere.
18:56Fires blazing.
18:57And the acrid smell of gunpowder.
18:59And poor James Connolly on a stretch or God help us.
19:04This is worse than I thought.
19:06We're dealing with a bunch of ruthless killers.
19:08Put the kidnapper back on.
19:11It's for you.
19:13Hello?
19:14Hello?
19:14Please don't harm anyone else.
19:17She was like that before we got here.
19:19What are your demands?
19:29Fech!
19:29The bastard hung up on me.
19:34He hung up on me.
19:43Mother of God!
19:45It's not me.
19:46It's the toilet.
19:46Here.
19:47You'll have to do something about that.
19:55Why don't you say they close at five?
19:57They do.
19:58There was a bit of a hold up.
20:00Hold up?
20:01Hold up?
20:02We've been hold up in there since yesterday.
20:04Idiot.
20:05Right.
20:07Don't let anyone do that stupid.
20:09Ah!
20:12Ah!
20:13He wet me!
20:16I'm sorry.
20:16It went off.
20:18Everybody calm down.
20:20Are ye English spies?
20:22What?
20:24Spies.
20:24Are ye English spies?
20:26No.
20:26I'm Mr. Green and he's Mr. Pink.
20:29Mr. Pink?
20:30I'm Mr. Pink.
20:31I'm Mr. Pink.
20:32I'm my dad.
20:33How many times have I been telling you not to call me Dan?
20:35You told me I was Mr. Pink.
20:37You are Mr. Pink.
20:38Well, who are them?
20:41Them are...
20:42Impostors!
20:45Not anymore or not!
20:46I'll give you imposters, spying English bastards!
20:59Right.
21:00We're going to need a fleet of ambulances.
21:02The Army Rangers.
21:03And find out who has the helicopter this week.
21:05Right, boss.
21:07Isn't that what's his name?
21:10Yes, it is.
21:12Paddy the Gorilla Cuddy.
21:14Well, if he's posting that parcel, I hope it isn't urgent.
21:18Jimmy.
21:18Gorilla.
21:19I wouldn't stand so close if I was you.
21:31I wouldn't stand so close if I was you.
21:39Why not?
21:40Take that!
21:47Take that!
21:53The bastards are shelling us!
21:56Ow!
21:56Everybody out!
21:57Come on!
21:57Quickly!
21:58Come on!
21:59Ladies' force!
21:59Come on!
22:00Out!
22:00Out!
22:01Out!
22:05Come on, everyone!
22:06He's only supposed to blow the feckin' door!
22:10Get out!
22:11It's out of the dick!
22:13Arrest these two gobshates!
22:14All right, you'll go up against the cab!
22:16I'm telling you, ruthless killers!
22:19I'm telling you, ruthless killers!
22:22There's the post box!
22:25And Jimmy!
22:36Feck!
22:40Ben!
22:40Ben!
22:41Jimmy!
22:41Jimmy!
22:42Oh, my gosh!
22:42You all right, Jimmy?
22:43Huh?
22:44Huh?
22:45Joe's there, I think.
22:46Huh?
22:47This way, fellas.
22:53Kilniskully native.
22:55Dan Clancy then effected a citizen's arrest and placed the raiders in the hands of the
23:01GardaÃ.
23:02Bravo, Dan!
23:04Well done, Dan.
23:06Timmy Higgins helped to lead the frightened pensioners to safety.
23:10Notice you didn't lead me to safety.
23:12All's well that ends well.
23:15No, Teo.
23:17Read on.
23:19Miraculously, despite the explosion, the letters were mostly undamaged, and after being gathered
23:24up, were soon on their way to their destinations.
23:27So the minister will have my letter on Monday, and I'll be in England on Tuesday.
23:31How do I see?
23:32Oh, if it isn't our eminent man of letters.
23:35That's for you, Teo.
23:37There for Jaxie.
23:40And for Dan.
23:46That's my letter!
23:47My letter to the minister!
23:49Yep.
23:50I know it's hard for you to grasp.
23:52But the way the Postasaurus works is that you have to put a stamp on the letter.
23:58You lewd...
24:00Laura.
24:02I love you!
24:03I love you, Miz!
24:05I love you, too.
24:07Goodbye, Jimmy!
24:08Bye!
24:09Well done,die!
24:12Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
24:42Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha