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00:00Listen up. Miss Rupina Crail, chief editor of Glove Hygiene Monthly, is coming to interview me today.
00:14Why, I hear you ask? Well, I'll tell you. My hand is to feature on next month's cover,
00:24Glove Hygiene Monthly. What other magazine so brilliantly captures the cleansing, bleaching and maintenance of the executive man-mitten?
00:33Big fingerless mitts. No, that's utter filth. Anyway, I want this tower, spotless.
00:39Sporrel, I want you to... Sporrel, pay attention.
00:45Where's he gone this time? Sporrel!
00:51Bad name.
00:54Amazes Meadow.
00:57Get off! Go away!
01:00Oh, Trince. What are you doing here? Entering the competition. Thought I'd give it a go.
01:06I know it's not much at the moment, but it will be. Look, make yourself hairy in one day.
01:12These books are brilliant. I've already done this one. Make yourself confident in one day.
01:18Sorry? Make yourself confident.
01:21I've got them all. Confident, rich, hairy, thin.
01:25I'm not going to recognise you. What's that one on the bottom there?
01:28Erm, biscuits. Haven't started that one yet.
01:31I've been little.
01:41Residents of Gypsy, stand by your testinators. Now is the time to sing! Sing! Sing!
01:48Yeah!
01:50Bye-bye!
01:51Bye-bye!
01:52Highland of Steel and sand,
01:54Three's and-sobs and Gil,
01:57And heave-the-pences stream,
02:00And flunk and meds and hars and pots and pots that flow,
02:06Loks and sticks and teak-in-cots,
02:09Attention all residents, it's a busy time on the island this week
02:30with pelch tit harvesting upon us again like a thick woollen poncho.
02:34Residents are reminded to milk their pelch tits using the index and third finger only
02:41and collect all sappy spurts in the pelch cans provided.
02:46Anyone handing in the incorrect bottlage will not be eligible for dance freely vouchers.
02:51These vouchers allow up to 18 hours of unregimented movement without fear of arrest at the following
02:57venues island-wide, Leek's Pelmet, Ever So Scarce, Jump Nicely, Fronds and Withers Bazaar.
03:09And to keep the dippy bits between my fingers thoroughly cleansed, I simply dab them with
03:19a sponge.
03:20A sponge harbours all sorts of bacteria.
03:22I shall have to terminate this interview.
03:24No, I only use the sponge once.
03:29And how do you dispose of it?
03:31With...tongs.
03:33Go on.
03:37Then I dispose of those tongs with...other tongs.
03:43And those tongs...I sponge them down.
03:50Look, Miss Crail, listen, it's a different sponge.
04:01Beard name?
04:03Tezocliffe's at dawn.
04:05Did you grow your beard yourself?
04:09Yes, I did.
04:11Ah, get off!
04:13Could anyone have interfered with your beard?
04:17Well, there was this one girl who...no.
04:22Are you carrying any sharp objects in your beard?
04:27Just seagulls.
04:28Oh!
04:29Oh!
04:30Hello, Spiral.
04:31Sergeant Bakino.
04:32So, where were you when this nibbling took place?
04:36Over there.
04:37With his goat.
04:38Goat?
04:39An animal notorious for nibbling?
04:40Look, it's not my goat.
04:41It just keeps following me.
04:42Sorry about that, Spiral.
04:43I just got a bit confident there.
04:44Right.
04:45Well, if you do think of anything significant, I can be contacted here.
04:46Haven't got an office.
04:47Sort of freelance.
04:48Would you care for a mug of purified water, Miss Crail?
04:50A mug?
04:51A mug?
04:52Mr. Maven?
04:53Or do you mean a ceramic germ?
04:54Ah!
04:55Look, can we just talk about the magazine cover?
04:57I see my left hand in a white glovet, backlit.
05:00doing the invisible ball or the weeping spider.
05:01They have got quite muscular digits.
05:02Stupid.
05:03Would you care for a mug of purified water, Miss Crail?
05:07A mug, Mr Maven, or do you mean a ceramic germ?
05:11Ah!
05:12Look, can we just talk about the magazine cover?
05:15I see my left hand in a white glovet, backlit, doing the invisible ball.
05:22Or the weeping spider.
05:26You have got quite muscular digits.
05:29Stupid boy.
05:31What are you doing?
05:31Oh, sorry.
05:33Oh.
05:34Mr Maven wants to see you, urgently.
05:36Really?
05:37Yeah.
05:38You and your goat.
05:39It's not my goat!
05:40Ah!
05:41Look!
05:42Woo!
05:43Woo!
05:44Woo!
05:45Woo!
05:46Woo!
05:47Woo!
05:48Woo!
05:49Woo!
05:50Miss Crail!
05:51Miss Crail!
05:52Wait!
05:53Oh, I know this one.
05:56Is it patting the horse's neck?
05:58What?
05:59No, it's checking a tall man's pulse.
06:01And you join us back in the tea tent for the third round of the inter-parish teathlon.
06:08Podge playing for Crawl Parish, of course, and Henk on the right, representing Veen.
06:13Clonti, your thoughts on this a stomach matcham?
06:16Well, what's extremely astounding is the diameter of the teacups.
06:20They're bigger.
06:21They get bigger and bigger every cycle.
06:23And the blouses, Clonti, always a joy.
06:25A crowd, please.
06:26A simple pleated chiffon just dangling in rich beauty cluster across the bookey bookey.
06:31Tell us about Mrs Henk.
06:32A woman?
06:33Woman, yes.
06:34Mrs Henk, out of Kinkatery, off my heart, a pedigree bitch, flat-coated, always handles
06:38well.
06:39And I'm gonna have to stop you there because the bell's gone.
06:42And it's the lips, isn't it, Clonti?
06:43Always the lips.
06:44Especially with Mrs Podge.
06:45Beautiful lip work.
06:46Both lips working in unison as one mouth.
06:49It's almost as if she's got one mouth.
06:51Almost.
06:52And actually, she's eaten some biscuit and a small crumb has stuck to her cheek.
06:55That's gonna be very difficult to recover from, I think.
06:58Unless she goes for a standard tongue poke.
07:00Of course, these are wafers.
07:01Yes, and wafers cling.
07:02They're known as the dirty biscuit.
07:04Well, she's recovered with a knuckle shuffle, which was quite expected.
07:07Such a strong, firm grip there.
07:09Sorry, I can let go if you want.
07:11No, don't let go completely.
07:13And it's a refusal from me.
07:15And it's a refusal from Mrs Henk.
07:16That's very bold.
07:17And that's it.
07:18Because the scores are in.
07:19Mrs Podge leads the way from Henk.
07:20But by only one point.
07:21And the Dalsam Twins at the bottom after their shocking chocolate protest.
07:25Now, I believe we're going over to another tent, Clonti.
07:28Yes, we're going over to the shower tent for the mixed men's synchronised shaving.
07:34Actually, you can let go now.
07:39I'm never gonna win.
07:40I mean, look at some of these.
07:41Pretzel Logic.
07:42Try Tentacalus.
07:43Platte de Jor.
07:44What are you calling yours?
07:47Toddler's fluff?
07:48One o'clock shadow?
07:50Can you pass me that spanner?
07:52I just heard.
07:53Bebit Odge, Chief Sanitiser at the Reservoir, is lined up to appear on my cover, doing the
08:07eager prawn.
08:08And that's mine.
08:09Actually, he's got quite a big hand, sir.
08:11So it'd probably be a king prawn.
08:16What are you doing?
08:18Just adjusting your chair, sir.
08:20Don't mind me.
08:21Smorral, it's all your fault.
08:25Bursting him in, you blasted goat.
08:28It's not my goat.
08:29How can I persuade Miss Crail?
08:31I'm worthy of that cover.
08:32Take her to the new hygiene bar, sir.
08:34Hygiene bar?
08:35You know, where the old soap bar used to be, next to Lufus.
08:38Opposite the tap and sponge.
08:39Oh, yes.
08:40A date.
08:41A date.
08:42Ow!
08:43Yeah, a date.
08:44Oh.
08:53Brush the fluff from your collar.
08:55Wipe the crumbs from your hair.
08:57Take the long forgotten underpants from hanging on the chair.
09:01Pick the sticky bits of jelly from the sandals in the hall.
09:05Sponge the stains of last night's supper from the curvy on the wall.
09:10Every single mug you own is either chipped or slightly stained.
09:16Your umbrella's turning yellow and your legs are thickly vain.
09:20Your front molars all have olas and your beard has got the mange.
09:24You've spit syrup on your pillow and your image needs a change.
09:31Like the ring mark round the centre of your path.
09:36Like the mossy weed burges on your path.
09:40Like the tiny bits of biscuit twixt your toes.
09:44Like the tangle of protrusions in the nostrils of your nose.
09:50Like the spittle in the corners of your nose.
09:56Like the cobwebs on the sofa in your lounge.
10:00Like the little specks of grease upon your loins.
10:04Like the stain above a pastry on your low brown cord.
10:08For joy.
10:10Like the grass in the middle.
10:12Like the borders.
10:13Like the
10:36Is it in three consecutive envelopes?
10:39Sorry?
10:44Oh. I'll come back.
10:59And tomorrow night's beard contest is really hot enough with late entrance to My Fur Lady.
11:06No!
11:08No!
11:10No!
11:12No!
11:18Oh! It's Thor!
11:19It's you. I'm so on edge with this nibbler about.
11:22Are you taking your goat for a walk?
11:24Yeah, it's not my goat. I'm taking it to Longcrest Common. Just gonna let it go.
11:27Mr Manhart, I wish to house this invitation within a series of consecutive envelopes.
11:36It's not my shop. It's, er, it's my wife's. And, er, she's dead now.
11:43Right! Envelopes.
11:45Oh!
11:50I'm not really dead. It's just a lot easier.
11:52Shh!
11:53Not dead.
11:55How's the, er, beard coming along?
11:58Good. Look.
11:59Where?
12:00I'm only on chapter one. I finished Make Yourself Thin, though.
12:04Worked a treat.
12:09Come on.
12:11Oh.
12:21Oh.
12:25Oh.
12:26Help! Help! I've been nibbled!
12:39Whoa! Whoa!
12:43I don't have a police horse. I'm sort of freelance.
12:46Don't worry, sir. I've put together this face-o fit and I'm therefore arresting...
12:55You!
12:58That's a goat.
12:59That's him!
13:01Right. You're both under arrest.
13:03No, wait a minute. It's not my goat.
13:04No.
13:05Come to Prownlap, a parish like no other.
13:09Visit Grassworld, the biggest expanse of grass on Jintzy.
13:13With new attraction, Blade Rider.
13:16And if you dare, why not explore Miriam's Haunted Post?
13:21People say you can smell her breath on the back of your neck if you stand too close.
13:26And what other parish can boast the incredible singing stump?
13:30Rub the ring and hear it sing.
13:35Ah, the Mystery Pond!
13:38Yeah.
13:40Not for the faint-hearted.
13:41Witness the Apple Man.
13:43Half man, half apple.
13:45Oh, someone's taken a bite.
13:47And after lunch, there's probably time to visit the legendary Nose Stone.
13:52The healing powers of its nasal juices have been proven to bring eternal life.
13:57Or something.
13:59I'm not sure how it works, but it does.
14:01Oh, the Mystery Pond!
14:02Log Land is closed for refurbishment.
14:06But just a short cart ride away, the awe-inspiring Angel of the West that dominates the skyline.
14:13Built by a thousand men over a hundred days, it was quite difficult to build.
14:18It really was very difficult.
14:20Ah, the Mystery Pond!
14:23Brown lap.
14:24It's got everything you want and more.
14:27It's not what you thought.
14:28It's a lot more than that.
14:31Ah, the Mystery Pond!
14:33Thank you for accepting my invitation, Miss Graham.
14:41Mmm!
14:42You smell of...
14:44nothing.
14:46Oh.
14:49You're looking good.
14:50Yeah.
14:53My last last one.
14:55My hand is so happy, I'm not right.
15:00And I can't say what you are.
15:02Here with our hands be more curls and tufts and fiends
15:08Though we really love our facial hair
15:12Which decorates our cheeks
15:18Now you two nibblers can just sit there and watch our hairy proudness.
15:23It wasn't me, it was him.
15:27Chin Chin!
15:28Chin Chin!
15:32Charles Perret with Paint the Ceiling!
15:40Mrs Feek with Wonder Curtains!
15:54Kerry Tismet with Pretzel Logic!
16:02Kikeri Trimps with Stubble at Mill!
16:08What's all that? Rubbish!
16:12What on earth is going on over there?
16:18It's the beard boy contest!
16:22Did you know that the average beard contains over 67 million bacterium?
16:30Yes I did!
16:32That's why I have my entire body man waxed once a week!
16:36The starters!
16:40Finger bath!
16:42Table boy! A modesty screen please!
16:46Can I have your clothes?
16:56Startled pheasant!
16:58And this one is simply called Cascade!
17:08Mr Maven, I think we can definitely find a place for you on the cover!
17:14Wonderful news!
17:15Wonderful news!
17:16Let's celebrate!
17:17Table boy!
17:18A bottle of your finest sparkling air!
17:20It's just a slight tickle!
17:30It's just a slight tickle!
17:34Modesty screen!
17:36And your nail towel!
17:38Thank you!
17:40A beard!
17:42In the hygiene room!
17:44Oh!
17:45Oh!
17:46Oh!
17:47Oh!
17:48Oh!
17:49Oh!
17:50Oh!
17:51Oh!
17:52Oh!
17:53Oh!
17:54Oh!
17:55Oh!
17:56Oh!
17:57Oh!
17:58Oh!
17:59Oh!
18:00Oh!
18:01Oh!
18:02Oh!
18:03Oh!
18:04Oh!
18:05Oh!
18:06Oh!
18:07Oh!
18:08Oh!
18:09The hygiene bar!
18:10Oh!
18:11Oh!
18:12Oh!
18:13Oh!
18:14Oh!
18:15Quiet now!
18:16It's time for the scores from Crawl parish!
18:17Oh!
18:18Oh!
18:19Oh!
18:20Oh!
18:21The dirty wizard!
18:22Yes!
18:23Yes!
18:24Finally!
18:25We're over to Newhall parish!
18:27Can you hear me, Newhall?
18:28What was the one about?
18:30We were two fat-gazers who were kind of joined together!
18:33to join together like a bridge over Trevor and Walter what are you doing you
18:49are the greatest arbiter the Gen Z has ever known yes and I salute you very
18:55kind I'm sorry do I know you I would like to take this opportunity to tell
19:02you that you're the only man for me I love you and I will always love you you're one
19:11of those funny fellas aren't you what's going on out there where's Miss Crail Miss Crail
19:19it is my honor to announce the winner of beard boy 1530 vovo is
19:31quick is there a barber in the house Miss Crail
19:56that's my beard
20:03that's my beard
20:05Rupina Crail the beard nibbler I knew it sergeant take her to the station
20:13come here you
20:14Miss Crail I put you on a pedestal when all you deserved was a filthy blimp
20:22I tried kicking the habit I was down to snorting one mustache a day
20:31never mind her who's won no one's won nobody's got a beard I have
20:39I have to tell you I have to pull you off and learn to see the
21:05Oh! I'm all right! I'm all right!
21:28I never got to show her my galloping naked tortoise.
21:33I've got a couple of scrolls for you to sign, sir.
21:37Stay on the mat, you...
21:39Trince.
21:41There's something different about you.
21:43You seem thinner and more confident.
21:45Even your hair looks thicker.
21:47Oh, thank you, sir.
21:49Would you like a biscuit?
21:50Oh, no. It was just a light.
21:52You're just as fat, nervous, and wet as ever.
21:55Perhaps worse, in fact.
21:57Stay on the mat.
21:59Morrill, get back to work. What is this?
22:02Pipes and Beards.
22:03And I'm on the front of this one as well, so goat management in the workplace.
22:06And Tower Optive Monthly. Look, there's a poster in me in this one.
22:10I'm on one too. Look, get yourself on a book cover in one day.
22:14Had to pay quite a lot for it, actually. The man was rather aggressive.
22:18And I'm not sure how I got on this one.
22:20Lovely, lovely curtains and stuff, but you can just see my leg behind that palmo.
22:23HE LAUGHS
22:24HE LAUGHS
22:26Oh, fair diddy well, my ginsio,
22:30We stand here by the griddle.
22:33I sound the horn of buttocks' stoom.
22:38I have a little fiddle.
22:43Oh.
22:44Like the spittle in the corners of your mouth.
22:54Like the cobwebs on the sofa in your lounge.
22:58Like the little specks of grease upon your loin.
23:02Like the stain of pulp pastry on your large brown fort altae.
23:05Like the stain of pulp pastry on your little brown fort-ausa.
23:08Thanks, boy.
23:14.
23:17.
23:20.
23:25.