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KurzfilmeTranskript
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00:04:13It's true. Did I smother my sadness with carbs? It's my...private shame.
00:04:23Ow! Shit!
00:04:27I sense that you are good with your hands.
00:04:30Thank-thanks.
00:04:31Please, sit down. You are talented, young one. But you spend too much time fucking your hand.
00:04:38What? How did you-
00:04:39Yes, and your hand doesn't enjoy it.
00:04:41It's not consensual.
00:04:43No, that's not true at all. That's-
00:04:45Basically, you're raping your own hand.
00:04:47No.
00:04:48And that is why nobody loves you.
00:04:50You're way off.
00:04:51Nobody will ever love you.
00:04:55Augie, what are you doing?
00:04:57Please, sit down. Madame Zonar, dreamer of desires, senses a need within you.
00:05:02Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I work here. Can you not talk like that? You're an adult on planet Earth.
00:05:06Well, maybe if you put a circuit breaker on my crystal ball, I could do my job here.
00:05:10Yeah, we gotta get this whole place in shape. We're all gonna be out of jobs, okay? You could use some shaping up yourself.
00:05:15I know I may be old and wrinkly, but my power can provide.
00:05:20Really?
00:05:21So can my vagina. Not my breasts so much. They've been used and abused.
00:05:25You know what? I take one look at you and my dick hops out of my pants, goes and gets a gun and blows the head of its own dick off.
00:05:30That is not the first time I have been told that by a man.
00:05:39Bro, I saw the way you were looking at her.
00:05:42Wait, what?
00:05:43Thinking about throwing Madame Bonar a part of your baby dick?
00:05:46Remy, that's fucked up, dude. No way.
00:05:48Come on, Augie. You need the experience. And she rubs balls for a living.
00:05:51I mean, they're crystals, so at least she'll be careful, but she's like a thousand years old.
00:05:55I mean, she must be like a sandpaper factory down there.
00:05:58Dude, don't knock sandpaper. My cat licked my penis when I was in sixth grade and I still think about it.
00:06:05Not again. We gotta put this horse down.
00:06:08Dude, this place is in trouble. The Gates of Hell is our main attraction and it's falling to shit.
00:06:12Yeah, I know.
00:06:13Well, you're the handyman, Augie, so fix it.
00:06:15No, no, no, I would, but Cleb told me there's no money to fix it.
00:06:19Ouch! Hey!
00:06:20Sorry.
00:06:21Ouch!
00:06:22Did you ask Kurt for the money?
00:06:23No, no, no, no, because he's the assistant manager.
00:06:26Cleb's the manager.
00:06:27His name is Cleb. I mean, imagine his parents.
00:06:30Yeah, it does feel like they gave up just as soon as they started choosing baby names.
00:06:35Hot fuck action to the max. That's what I like. Fuck action.
00:06:40Clocking out.
00:06:42Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're seriously leaving early?
00:06:46That's right. Got a hot date tonight with Madame Zonar.
00:06:49Oh, you mean the fortune teller.
00:06:51I'm pretty sure I saw her on deck today slipping around in what appeared to be her own vomit as she was trying to poo off the side of her boats.
00:06:58That's my lady.
00:07:00Well, not to be a dick, my friend, just pointing out the obvious here. You don't really have any skill sets.
00:07:05Yup.
00:07:06And then, you know, you smoke a tremendous amount of weed.
00:07:08Right.
00:07:09You spend all your time talking to alcoholic, mentally ill fortune tellers.
00:07:12That's me.
00:07:13All while the rides are in dangerously bad condition.
00:07:15Whoa.
00:07:16I told Remy to tell Augie to fix them.
00:07:18That buck has been passed.
00:07:20Well, yeah, right. But still, I mean, one of us has to maintain a safe park, you know, so our customers don't die on the rides.
00:07:27Well, I guess we gotta figure out who's gonna do that. You or me.
00:07:32Well, since you're the manager...
00:07:35420!
00:07:38See you tomorrow!
00:07:39Awesome. Alright, thank you so much for all the stuff you do, Cleb. Whatever that is, bud.
00:07:44You're going down.
00:07:51Watch out now!
00:07:53Oh, shit.
00:07:55So, dude, after break, we needed to order some parts for the gates.
00:07:58Not this time.
00:07:59The park is done.
00:08:00What?
00:08:01What?
00:08:02Die! Die!
00:08:03The park is done?
00:08:05Bullshit.
00:08:06We just got a letter from the bank. The place is bankrupt.
00:08:09Bankrupt?
00:08:10How could you let this happen?
00:08:11Me? This place is a dinosaur, man.
00:08:14Other parks have roller coasters that rearrange your organs.
00:08:17We got a squirt gun balloon race and a needle exchange program.
00:08:21Kurt, remember the three of us were gonna bro out here forever?
00:08:24I don't know what to tell you. Maybe I'll go to college.
00:08:27Oh, really, bro? Awesome, man. Yeah, just go to college, dude.
00:08:31Come on.
00:08:32You're probably gonna major in roofies with a minor of-
00:08:33Let's get the fuck outta here!
00:08:34Ha ha ha ha.
00:08:36I'm sorry you don't have a fallback plan, Remy.
00:08:39Maybe you should go ask that fortune teller, Madame Zonar, for some career advice.
00:08:42He he he he.
00:08:43Let's go see if the bearded lady will give you a beej.
00:08:45I'll go get the chloroform.
00:08:47Kurt, steal that clown's knife.
00:08:58Yeah!
00:08:59We should carve our names in the pier.
00:09:00And after high school, if we're still hanging out at this park, we'll all slit our wrists with that knife!
00:09:05Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
00:09:15The fool again? Did I shuffle these?
00:09:18Ah, you were expected.
00:09:23You knew I was gonna come?
00:09:24I am Zonar, I know all.
00:09:26Wow, what am I thinking right now?
00:09:29I sense you are haunted by the dark underlords of the sea.
00:09:34Ha! Not even close.
00:09:35I was thinking about sucking my own dick in front of my family on Easter.
00:09:38That is not the first time I have been told that by a man.
00:09:44Ah, where was I?
00:09:46Tis the sad fate of the cynic to miss the offerings of the spirits.
00:09:51The power is within you, child, should you choose to look for a sign.
00:09:55Ugh, look for a sign, really? It's that simple?
00:09:58What? The book of Beelzebub.
00:10:09Is the devil crying?
00:10:11Wow!
00:10:12What is it?
00:10:13Oh, I was just wondering where you got this book.
00:10:16A spirit bequeathed it as an offering from the dark lord.
00:10:19A dark lord queefed it on you? What does that mean?
00:10:23Can I borrow it?
00:10:24No, this isn't a library.
00:10:25I know, it's a lesbrary filled with creepy old laities.
00:10:33Don't worry, look into the future, you'll see me rejoin this book!
00:10:37Remy!
00:10:38Remy!
00:10:40Remy!
00:10:41Remy!
00:10:42Whoa!
00:10:43Hey, buddy.
00:10:44What's up?
00:10:45You don't look so good, man.
00:10:47Guys, check it out.
00:10:49What's that?
00:10:50That is the book of Beelzebub, the key to saving the park.
00:10:54Wait, what?
00:10:55Dude, I don't get it.
00:10:56Look, people travel across the world to see the face of Jesus on a tortilla, right?
00:11:00Huh?
00:11:01Well, the same people will come to the park in droves to see Jesus' enemy cry like a pussy.
00:11:06Still ain't gonna save the park.
00:11:08Come on, Kurt. Doesn't this park mean anything to you anymore?
00:11:12Honestly? Not really.
00:11:14Kurt, you lost your virginity right there on this ride.
00:11:17Augie tried to lose his virginity there with the strongman.
00:11:19That's why you should care about this place, man.
00:11:22Whatever.
00:11:23Hey, bro, can I get a mint?
00:11:26No.
00:11:27Come on!
00:11:28I'm always lending you stuff and you never pay me back.
00:11:30Don't bust my balls.
00:11:31Just give me a mint.
00:11:32All right, look.
00:11:33If you promise to hit me back, I'll give you one of my La Petite Mints.
00:11:39Okay. I promise to give you one back.
00:11:41So you currently have mints in your possession?
00:11:43I have a pack of mints in my pocket right now.
00:11:45I just happen to like Remy's flavor better.
00:11:47All right.
00:11:48Well, just swear on the book of Beelzebub.
00:11:50Fine. I swear.
00:11:51Give me your hand.
00:11:52Why?
00:11:53Blood oath.
00:11:54Ow!
00:11:55Geez.
00:11:56Who does that anymore?
00:11:58Uh, by the smitten brow of Beelzebub, this oath doth bind me.
00:12:03May I keep its sacred words or Beelzebub will find me.
00:12:07Yes.
00:12:08It's official.
00:12:09Wow.
00:12:10Fuck.
00:12:11Finally.
00:12:12Mmm.
00:12:13Oh, now that's a refreshing mint.
00:12:16That's what I'm talking about.
00:12:17Yes.
00:12:18I'm aware of that.
00:12:19Now give me one of yours.
00:12:20Ah, yes.
00:12:21Of course.
00:12:22Hmm.
00:12:23Wait a minute.
00:12:24That's weird.
00:12:25Oh, man.
00:12:26I thought I had my mints, but I guess I don't.
00:12:29Sorry.
00:12:30I guess I can't honor my oath.
00:12:31Oh, typical Kurt.
00:12:33Promise and don't deliver.
00:12:34Typical Remy.
00:12:35Always keep in school.
00:12:37Uh, guide?
00:12:38You made an oath.
00:12:39Who cares?
00:12:40You swore on devil shit.
00:12:41Fuck devil shit.
00:12:42Look out.
00:12:43Whoa.
00:12:44Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:12:45What's going on?
00:12:46Uh, everything's going in.
00:12:47Hey, Kurt.
00:12:48Hey, help me.
00:12:49Hold on.
00:12:50What the hell's going on?
00:12:51What the fuck?
00:12:52Is this one of your bullshit tricks, Remy?
00:12:54This is a prank I'm gonna fucking kill.
00:12:56Ah!
00:12:57Ow!
00:12:58Beelzebub!
00:13:01What just happened?
00:13:02I don't know.
00:13:03Jesus Christ.
00:13:04I have no idea what I just saw.
00:13:05What did you do?
00:13:06What are you talking about?
00:13:07Conjure up a vortex?
00:13:08Kurt just got sucked into another dimension, Remy.
00:13:10Oh, really, Augie?
00:13:11I thought that portal went to Barnes and Noble.
00:13:13We gotta go in after him.
00:13:14Kurt wouldn't go in after me.
00:13:15Yeah, he would.
00:13:16He's your friend.
00:13:17I hate friends.
00:13:18You were the one that made it a blood oath.
00:13:20Ah, alright.
00:13:21Let's go.
00:13:22This mysterious portal better be quick!
00:13:24Oh, no.
00:13:33Oh, no!
00:13:35Oh, no!
00:13:36Oh, my God!
00:13:37Oh, my God!
00:13:38Oh, my God!
00:13:40Oh, my God!
00:13:41Oh, my God!
00:13:42Oh, my God!
00:13:44What is that?!
00:13:46Oh, my God.
00:14:03Dippin' gods!
00:14:04I wish we were Barnes and Noble.
00:14:16I'm not being a pussy. That was really scary, right?
00:14:18I'm so scared my shit just shit its pants.
00:14:21Where are we?
00:14:22I don't know. Why do you act like I've done this before?
00:14:25What are those things?
00:14:26Look, it's Kurt!
00:14:27I'm an American! Jack, get your heads off me!
00:14:29Don't waterboard me, dude!
00:14:30Where are we?
00:14:37We're screwed! Who are those people?
00:14:46Ugh!
00:14:47Ugh!
00:14:48Ugh!
00:14:49Ugh!
00:14:51Ugh!
00:14:53Ugh!
00:14:54Ugh!
00:14:55Lick of fire!
00:14:56Send!
00:14:57Lick of fire!
00:14:58Send!
00:14:59Lick of fire!
00:15:00Send!
00:15:01Lick of fire!
00:15:02Holy shit!
00:15:03Dude, we gotta hide!
00:15:09May I take your order?
00:15:11I will have a, uh, pepperoni pizza please.
00:15:14There ain't no pepperoni pizza.
00:15:16Oh, I'm sorry, but it does say Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, so I thought maybe I could get some pizza as well.
00:15:22It says pizza, and it says taco, but we only got taco.
00:15:29You're being tortured.
00:15:30Oh.
00:15:31Alright.
00:15:32Order another pizza.
00:15:33I think I see where this is headed.
00:15:34Just order the damn pizza!
00:15:35Alright, we'll have a, um...
00:15:37Pizza with extra cheese, please.
00:15:38There ain't no pizza!
00:15:40You can have a chalupa, burrito, uh, chiro.
00:15:44Now it does say...
00:15:45Yeah.
00:15:46Pizza Hut Taco Bell.
00:15:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:15:48Welcome to hell.
00:15:50Oh my god!
00:15:51We're in hell!
00:15:52Lick of fire!
00:15:53If you lend him a pen, he chews on it.
00:15:55Lick of fire!
00:15:56Fat guy with the nickname Tiny.
00:15:58Lick of fire!
00:16:00Lunch?
00:16:01Damn man, we got 20 minutes before break.
00:16:03Ah, who's gonna know?
00:16:04Sometimes I think your heart's not in this anymore.
00:16:07Sorry man, I'm just going through some fucking life changes right now, you know?
00:16:11I'ma throw you in the fucking fame.
00:16:12Is that immortal?
00:16:13What the fuck are you doing?
00:16:14Uh, uh, who, us?
00:16:16Uh, just floating around, trying to get ham, dude.
00:16:20Spring break in it?
00:16:23Some bullshit going on.
00:16:24Take him back to processing.
00:16:25No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:16:26Take him to the office.
00:16:27Where?
00:16:28Wait, let's talk about this!
00:16:29Ha ha!
00:16:30Ouch!
00:16:31Hey!
00:16:32Come on!
00:16:33Ouch!
00:16:34Ouch!
00:16:35Oh, okay, okay!
00:16:39Please rule all religious paraphernalia.
00:16:42If you're a priest or a nun, that's just really funny because you wasted your life.
00:16:46Enjoy your stay in hell and remember you're here for a reason or you're Jewish.
00:16:50Pick up after yourself.
00:16:52Your mother doesn't live here.
00:16:53If she does, she was a whore.
00:17:01What is this place?
00:17:03Wait, what the fuck is that then?
00:17:04Remy?
00:17:05Remy?
00:17:06Remy?
00:17:07What?
00:17:08There's nobody here.
00:17:09Oh!
00:17:10I don't know, Aki.
00:17:11This place is incredible.
00:17:12No, Remy.
00:17:13Don't touch anything.
00:17:14This is stranger danger all around us.
00:17:20Everyone eat your own genitals!
00:17:22Stop!
00:17:23We already ate them!
00:17:24Well, we already ate them!
00:17:25Well, throw up your genitals and eat them again!
00:17:29Our budget is out of control!
00:17:30And I've got a report here that says we're making lost souls walk over warm coal.
00:17:44Uh, they're pretty hot.
00:17:45I walked over them myself and felt like a freakin' foot massage!
00:17:47We've all had to cut corners!
00:17:48Even the gluttons are beginning to look anorexic!
00:17:49Our dental plan is a steep deductible!
00:17:50Our union hasn't had a sacrifice in three years!
00:17:51The reason that shit's all fucked up is cause we're not paying our people right!
00:17:52Yeah!
00:17:53We're our team!
00:17:54Hell yeah, nigga!
00:17:55Dude, I can't believe you used the n-word.
00:17:56What?
00:17:57No, I can say it down here.
00:17:58Down here's okay.
00:17:59All of you get the fuck out of here!
00:18:00Ah!
00:18:01Ah!
00:18:02Ah!
00:18:03Ah!
00:18:04Ah!
00:18:05Ah!
00:18:06Ah!
00:18:07Ah!
00:18:08Ah!
00:18:09Ah!
00:18:10Ah!
00:18:11Ah!
00:18:12Ah!
00:18:13Ah!
00:18:14Ah!
00:18:15Ah!
00:18:16Ah!
00:18:17Ah!
00:18:18Ah!
00:18:19Ah!
00:18:20Ah!
00:18:21Ah!
00:18:22Ah!
00:18:23Ah!
00:18:24Ah!
00:18:25Ah!
00:18:26Ah!
00:18:27Ah!
00:18:28Ah!
00:18:29Ah!
00:18:30Ah!
00:18:31Ah!
00:18:32He is being a real bitch today!
00:18:35Gloria!
00:18:36Hold my calls!
00:18:37Ah!
00:18:38Hump day!
00:18:39The lunchroom fridge will be cleaned out on Friday!
00:18:43They should at least give us till Monday!
00:18:45If you leave any food, drinks, or containers in there...
00:18:47No!
00:18:48My spring rolls!
00:18:49They will be thrown out!
00:18:50My food!
00:18:51It's still good!
00:18:52What?
00:18:53P.S.
00:18:54You also have a time-sensitive email from the Demons Union.
00:18:56Oh!
00:18:57Demons Union!
00:18:58What do they want?
00:18:59They put in a request to have the new mortal tortured and sacrificed.
00:19:03Kurt's gonna be sacrificed?
00:19:05I've gotta find him!
00:19:06Oh boy!
00:19:07P.P.S.
00:19:08Barb's on her way down here from heaven.
00:19:10What?
00:19:11She's flying down here right now?
00:19:12I'll tell her you're unavailable.
00:19:14No!
00:19:15No!
00:19:16No!
00:19:17No!
00:19:18No!
00:19:19Tell her I've cleared my schedule just for her.
00:19:20Okay!
00:19:21I'm gonna be off the grid for a few minutes.
00:19:22Now I'll just rub one out so I don't finish too quickly tonight.
00:19:25Ah!
00:19:26Shirts and skins with a Z!
00:19:42I won't let go!
00:19:45Hey, Remy!
00:19:46What are you doing?
00:19:47I'm looking for clues to help us find Kurt.
00:19:49Ooh!
00:19:50The devil's cell phone.
00:19:52That might come in handy.
00:19:53Oh!
00:19:54Oh!
00:19:55Ah!
00:19:56Whoa!
00:19:57The devil's actual devil's brew!
00:20:02Oh!
00:20:03Oh!
00:20:04Oh!
00:20:05Oh!
00:20:06Oh!
00:20:07Oh!
00:20:08Oh!
00:20:09Oh!
00:20:10Oh!
00:20:11Oh!
00:20:12Oh!
00:20:13Oh!
00:20:14Oh!
00:20:15Motherfucker!
00:20:16That's the real shit!
00:20:17More, more.
00:20:18I need more!
00:20:19Please, please, give me more.
00:20:20I'll drink a pint of ass blood for another sip of that brew!
00:20:24Unneeded incitament!
00:20:25If Heavens right, then I wanna be wrong in hell with a sweet, sweet ambrosia!
00:20:37Love sea!
00:20:40Who's my angel?
00:20:44Huh?
00:20:49What the hell are you two doing here?
00:20:53We're just trying to save our friend, Kurt.
00:20:55You know, just in and out.
00:20:57Really? Who do you think you are, Orpheus?
00:21:01Who's Orpheus?
00:21:02You don't know your Greek mythology, do you?
00:21:06Orpheus, the mortal who came down to hell to rescue his wife?
00:21:10Anyone?
00:21:11Man, public education. No wonder the Chinese are kicking her ass.
00:21:15Wait, so he finds mortals and rescues them from hell?
00:21:18Because you know what we do to mortals in hell.
00:21:21Bob is on her way down to your office. I told her she can't go in unannounced.
00:21:25Damn! Look, I'm gonna kill both of you.
00:21:28But I need some time alone with an angel first, so sit over here and enjoy your last few moments alive.
00:21:33It's gonna be great. You're gonna love it.
00:21:35Take your time.
00:21:36Yeah, no hurry.
00:21:37See you in a few.
00:21:40Erp!
00:21:41Erp!
00:21:42Erp!
00:21:43Erp!
00:21:48I've been loving you for so long.
00:21:53I don't know if it's right or wrong.
00:21:59I think you'll be in a few.
00:22:02Whoa, duh. Look at this new style of yours. You're quite the dandy.
00:22:07That's a real statement.
00:22:09Wow! You really look good, huh?
00:22:13Oh, you.
00:22:14You how do you do it low carbs and porn barbs? You got nice ones. Oh, see
00:22:20I'm not wearing a bra either. No your wings. Have you had work done on your wings? No, they're gorgeous. Oh
00:22:30I have a little problem
00:22:35Somehow I have to find and extract two mortals from unauthorized damnation within your jurisdiction two mortals, huh?
00:22:44If I find them for you, what's my reward? If you find them, I'll do things with you that would make the internet blush
00:22:56This is my lucky day. Look over there barb
00:23:02Minigolf wait, hold on keep looking
00:23:06What? Gah work machine
00:23:10You know what stop just stop wait barb where are you going? I'm flying back to heaven
00:23:17Don't text me until you've found the two mortals. Wait barbite. I love you. Good luck
00:23:24Gloria, I need you to put out an APV on those two mortals and make it clear that if they're not found
00:23:31I will rip every demon's head off
00:23:34Do you have any idea where they're heading?
00:23:36Mmm, I might have told them about Orpheus a little
00:23:43Attention demons there are two mortals are loose in hell so if everyone could put down your spears and look around your work area
00:23:50Repeat two mortals. Did we just get name checked by hell's public address system?
00:23:55One is a normal looking guy and the other one looks like he only eats dough that seemed a little mean anybody
00:24:02Whoa, Augie Augie check it out a gondola. Let's go
00:24:07We are deploying all demons to locate and capture the two mortals. They are on their way to find Orpheus
00:24:25We're gondola in 60 seconds boo
00:24:33What? Gone in 60 seconds is a movie about you eating a wedding cake. Do you know where we're going? Let's find Orpheus
00:24:39I got idea for another great punishment. Imagine this hot girl. She asks you out. She's like hey, let's go do Bikram yoga
00:24:46You go you do yoga. It's hot. It's sweaty. She looks fucking great
00:24:50She shows you every major flexibility that she has. Sweaty in all the right places. What do they call that one move? Dog down
00:24:57She can get her feet behind her ears. She can put her legs behind her fucking neck and walk home on her ass
00:25:04She's making her body into that alphabet right there on that yoga mat. A, B, C, D
00:25:08And she's spelling out fuck me. Of course she is. While you're doing yoga, which sucks for you
00:25:13But you're gonna do it because you're gonna get to fuck this hot girl after. Oh, I love that. Another night. Good night
00:25:18I gotta go home. What? So you do yoga day after day and no sex
00:25:23That would be the ultimate punishment for any man. That's a great punishment
00:25:27I've always feared that I was meant to die a virgin like that's my main purpose. Shut up, Augie
00:25:33Hey, does that look like those mortals? They found us. Oh, I guess it is throw them in the lake of fire
00:25:38The mortals have been spotted on the devil's gondola. Come on over here. Bring back the mortals alive
00:25:45Let's go
00:25:48Don't know what? It's a living
00:25:56Run! Run!
00:26:00Get back here! You're not going anywhere
00:26:05Augie! I'm gonna fuck you two up
00:26:09Where are you gonna go now? Hold on! There he is! Get him! Kill him!
00:26:15No! My mints! Hey, everybody! We got you!
00:26:18Oh, you're raiding mints!
00:26:24Hold on!
00:26:26You like getting stabbed?
00:26:29I'll cut that little face of yours
00:26:32Maybe I'll make a bigger mouth
00:26:33Maybe we'll make a bigger mouth
00:26:35I'll make a bigger mouth
00:26:36Maybe we'll make a bigger mouth
00:26:36Any flare if you want to stop?
00:26:37Any flare?
00:26:38here you want a soda pop oh I wouldn't say no it's flat you got flat soda you
00:27:01got me here you want some Neapolitan ice cream oh thank you all right oh now
00:27:07someone seems to have eaten all of the chocolate and vanilla yeah that's right
00:27:10you just have strawberry you should drink some of this milk not usually a milk drinker
00:27:16oh it's quick it's yeah it's strawberry quick not even chocolate quick no it's
00:27:22that strawberry crap it's not fun welcome to hell let's see Alumni Association no
00:27:32thanks starving children fuck you devil Sal and Dave called to say they lost the two mortals you
00:27:39were looking for I think Bob's gonna be disappointed damn it I'm surrounded by
00:27:44idiots put them through what are you doing I just did yoga turns out dudes only huge bummer oh good
00:27:56oh good you're finding your core this is good to hear hey once you find your core go find the
00:28:02mortals okay plan of attack let's see if I uh aha Gloria I need you to announce the biggest sacrifice at
00:28:12the crossroads that hell has ever seen okay then I'll simply wait for the other mortals to come to me
00:28:20I really gotta grow a mustache now let's see here push this faster than I remembered ah this elevator
00:28:44can't be up to code let's see the last time it was inspected okay void in my bowels you can do this
00:28:57buddy this is for the demons they love this shit let's do this all right everybody prepare to meet our
00:29:07dark lord all hail the god alive you're goddamn right the worst of the worst fucking a the hell pig of
00:29:18buck mountain don't love that one the douchiest of all birds that was kind of mean actually the dick of
00:29:25all assholes okay that's enough guy who fucks your mother and tells you about it always just one step too
00:29:33far where's the fucking mortal hot fuck action to the max that's what I like hot fuck action to the max
00:29:45got a big dick what do you have to say for yourself oh where am I you poor dumb bastard you don't even
00:29:54know what's going on fella you're in hell oh boy and who are you can you believe this guy I'm the
00:30:02fucking devil no one had the decency to torture this guy before I got down here the boys were just
00:30:10hoping to see the master at work you are the man the devil enough ass kissing now which one of these
00:30:18dastardly contraptions shall I use ah perhaps this one oh no no that's our foosball table chief
00:30:28gal moving on aha get in here okay
00:30:37there tell me of the pain you feel so we may laugh at you okay um actually the bouncing up and down is
00:30:50kind of giving me a tickle in a funny spot it is not tickling is this a simian no I assure you this
00:30:56is a simian you can offer this yeah let me on let me on it's a simian
00:31:03oh wait a minute guys seriously come on what do you want I'll give you anything please don't do
00:31:21this your god please I'll stroke your shaft and play with your nuts I'll stick my fingers in your ass
00:31:28I will tickle your balls let's check everybody's cock here whose cock is first don't do this
00:31:37oh shut up or I'll drill your brains and turn you into sex zombies why are you mortals here I uh uh
00:31:51he he found a crying devil book and made our friend take a blood out which I was up for but now I look
00:31:56back on his mistake and he broke the oath that that's why we're here not because I why are you
00:32:01looking for Orpheus because he because Orpheus is the only one who can save our friend
00:32:05girl hey you tricked us yeah that's false advertising I know I'm bad but I could still kill you
00:32:19because I'm half demon oh okay take me to Orpheus only if you take us to Kurt first fuck no
00:32:26um yeah the way I see it you can't find Orpheus without us so we've got the upper hand purple lady
00:32:35take me to Orpheus hey that's my heart ten nine heart belongs in body oh do you need your little
00:32:45heart seven pretty sure you're gonna die take my liver it's already dead it needs its owner put it
00:32:51back in five oh it's slowing down three two it shouldn't be outside of my bath take your last
00:33:01breath okay okay okay don't kill my friend I saw a white light and then my grandma mommy was there
00:33:12and she was like hey Remington would you like a cookie where's Orpheus okay okay I got his address
00:33:17in here crack screen he's in the ancient not the ancient realm it looks like the corner of Inferno
00:33:26and Martin Luther King jr. Drive it sounds like a good neighborhood do you know where that is
00:33:31Dermessa that lying bitch he's been down there this whole time everything okay yeah you guys help me
00:33:40find Orpheus and I'll get you to your friend Kurt yes deal okay everyone keep it down let's get this
00:33:54thing started is that the mortal you're feeding a Beelzebub don't worry about it okay I got it handled
00:34:01gang Kurt Kurt gang hey nobody told me it was bring your mortal to work day oh is that what you think
00:34:09we're here for so you can all make jokes I just got word we're going to start judging pets so dogs can
00:34:15go to heaven you know what that means yes we're getting all the asshole dogs yeah we get like in
00:34:22bed motherfuckers uh-huh that's a lot of dogs now I'm not running a kennel here hey you does everyone
00:34:28have dogs well not everyone I have a cat you know the hardest part about having cats is telling your
00:34:34parents you're gay no hey cut the homophobic shit you got it did you know that Azizel over here is
00:34:41gay I'm sorry to out you as anyway I gotta figure out who's gonna clean up all that dog shit no hey
00:34:52bro just let the fucking mortal do it or feed it to the gluttons yeah that's the way to do it
00:34:58all of you get the fuck out of here what what somebody's crazy evil today Kurt come sit over here
00:35:10buddy
00:35:11hold on it's gonna get bumpy Dima I think we're lost the GPS says we're supposed to pass a bail bonds
00:35:25in a wig store these idiots that work for me make a pile of shit and then they say turn it into roses
00:35:34whoa whoa what happened oh that's better bro you just fucking shrunk well that version of me is sort
00:35:43of my business suit keeps the demons in line really devil the computer network is down again I don't need
00:35:50this right now and IT can't get here to tomorrow do you know that everything we use here is Dell can
00:35:56you believe that uh I would much prefer a Mac it's friendlier for creative types you know I consider
00:36:03myself an artist oh an artist like Picasso or Banksy can I see some work well I do have this one thing that
00:36:09I've been working oh you gotta let me see it it's a blacklight painting and you see here this is a
00:36:14little devil on a dune buggy right and he's flipping off what what is that I I can't read your reaction
00:36:21no it's really good interesting thing about this it's like a fucking cartoon nope that's a realist
00:36:26painting that's fucking hilarious god do you have any more funny pictures no you don't get to see any
00:36:32more of my art there's your first punishment in hell oh that's you did it to yourself
00:36:37we're almost there we gotta go to the bathroom use a cup
00:36:44this is the way to Orpheus
00:36:52what is this place a microbrewery stay behind me and keep quiet
00:37:01what the fuck is that thing
00:37:05Dermessa you want a party she's been in a 2,000 year bender I want you to come on over here and
00:37:14look under my flap please stop is that right mom mom how could you do it all these years I've been
00:37:22searching and he's been down here this whole time he's a fuck face and a deadbeat what Orpheus is a
00:37:29poet a noble warrior you're in love with a drink
00:37:32you wouldn't dare open the portal
00:37:38you stupid little bitch devil's brew
00:37:43oh I'll lick your can for 30 more drops
00:37:46stop it I'll fucking kill you
00:37:50you should have told me
00:37:52I'm a swan
00:37:55my bottom says meow
00:37:59you fat pillbilly
00:38:02you're letting us through
00:38:05stop it
00:38:07I mean smelly
00:38:08parkour
00:38:11my hand and feet are cops
00:38:13my hand and feet are cops
00:38:15oh mama
00:38:19oh god
00:38:20why are we going down here again
00:38:30Kurt
00:38:31right your friend Kurt
00:38:33our friend Kurt
00:38:35yeah
00:38:36he's not what you think
00:38:40he's only gonna disappoint you Dima
00:38:44I'm used to disappointment
00:38:47it feels like my brain is vibrating in a good way
00:38:59best thing about whippets you'll feel totally fine in 15 seconds
00:39:02we used to do these at the carnival all the time
00:39:05so devil what's your story man how'd you get down here
00:39:12I used to live upstairs you know was actually besties with the big man
00:39:16you mean god yes sir I was in charge of his armies too
00:39:19but they went off to battle and I was off with this sweet set of wings
00:39:23man there was this angel that was epic in bed she had a pussy inside her pussy
00:39:28what is that real
00:39:30turns out god was dating her too so I guess I'm the asshole
00:39:33so wait wait wait you're the devil and have been condemned to hell for eternity for fucking god's girlfriend
00:39:41yep
00:39:41oh it sounds like you got some kind of angel fetish man
00:39:44they're gonna be the death of me check this shit out
00:39:47oh yeah
00:39:48wow what's your name
00:39:49barb
00:39:50I fucking love her man but she barely knows I exist
00:39:54oh I doubt that
00:39:55oh man those wings are so white and soft
00:39:59barb
00:40:01why aren't we married
00:40:03migraines in hell are really bad
00:40:13I blacked out
00:40:14yeah
00:40:15don't let me drink devil's brew again
00:40:18oh my god
00:40:19hey I didn't have sex with that blue lady did I
00:40:22not in the biblical sense
00:40:23whoa
00:40:25whoa
00:40:26this must be the way to Orpheus
00:40:29what we're gonna swim there
00:40:30nope we're gonna take that submersible
00:40:32cool
00:40:33Augie
00:40:36take this rope and attach it to that hook
00:40:38Remy you go inside and man the controls
00:40:42come on hop to it
00:40:43jeez whose side are you on
00:40:45what you don't like teamwork
00:40:46I'm just trying to be positive and build the foundation of trust within the framework
00:40:50wow
00:40:50oh yeah
00:40:53yeah
00:40:54yeah
00:40:55me strokey
00:40:56me have a strokey
00:40:58losing motor skills
00:41:00tasting
00:41:01pennies
00:41:02I'm releasing the first cable now Augie
00:41:09damn it Augie get inside
00:41:13I'll have to adjust the ballast manually
00:41:17hey what happened I'm so fake interested
00:41:20whoa
00:41:22purple paradise
00:41:29come on you guys if we're gonna get through this you're gonna have to listen to me
00:41:46I do what I want when I want
00:41:48really
00:41:49get this off me
00:41:52you're gonna wear this
00:41:53until you learn to listen
00:41:56well
00:41:58dip me in salt and lick my asshole
00:42:00what
00:42:01it's a saying I'm trying to get started
00:42:05hey what's this
00:42:06yeah
00:42:07that's my idea book
00:42:08I
00:42:09jot down new punishments I think of as I go about my day
00:42:12well
00:42:13the devil has a little genius pad
00:42:14let's see what you got
00:42:15it's a catapult right with poop inside
00:42:18see now these here
00:42:19they're stink lines
00:42:20whoa whoa whoa wait devil
00:42:21that dude getting sacrificed looks a lot like me
00:42:23yeah
00:42:24my cartoonist is good huh
00:42:25well you mean that's supposed to be me
00:42:27yeah you're the one being sacrificed
00:42:28I thought I told you that
00:42:29wha
00:42:36Augie get your head in the game man
00:42:38what's the matter with you
00:42:39I don't know Remy
00:42:40I think I'm in love
00:42:41oh no no no we're coming in too fast
00:42:44you wouldn't even know what to do with her
00:42:47okay little tubby kid from Goonies
00:42:49thirty degrees to starboard
00:42:51I got it Tima I'll do it
00:42:52see we have a connection Remy
00:42:54why is the sub listing?
00:42:57oh no
00:42:58this is really bad Augie
00:43:00she said Augie
00:43:01ha ha
00:43:02you're in the friend zone and you don't even know it
00:43:04how would you know the friend zone?
00:43:05I've only read about the friend zone in Bummer magazine
00:43:08see I love nobody
00:43:10and that's what makes me a leader
00:43:16what the fuck is that?
00:43:30this is an RPG nightmare
00:43:31where there's no leveling up
00:43:33there's no leveling up
00:43:34oh my god
00:43:35Dima
00:43:36are you okay?
00:43:37we've crossed over to the ancient realm
00:43:43get behind me
00:43:46you travel the path of Orpheus
00:43:50yes we do
00:43:51then know the fate of Orpheus
00:43:59get it
00:44:00this is the fate of Orpheus
00:44:02still alive?
00:44:03this mech is pretty tits
00:44:04right?
00:44:05huh?
00:44:15wait you're Orpheus?
00:44:17I've spent my whole life dreaming of the day I could finally meet you
00:44:20well that's very flattering
00:44:22but I tried to be upfront with all my groupies
00:44:24I'm not the marrying type
00:44:26no we've come to rescue you
00:44:29you can rescue my sperm from my testes
00:44:34you guys want to see my digs?
00:44:35uh fuck and yes together equals fuck yes
00:44:39then fucking yes it is
00:44:40let's do this
00:44:41Orpheus
00:44:42nice to meet you
00:44:43I'm Augie
00:44:44I put skittles in my cereal
00:44:46who is this mushy man?
00:44:48we were told you're an expert at getting mortals out of hell
00:44:51who told you that?
00:44:53is that true?
00:44:54you're really gonna kill me?
00:44:56yeah
00:44:57I thought we had a good thing going on here
00:44:59we were just broing out
00:45:01we were
00:45:02but it says here that you made a blood oath
00:45:04and you broke it
00:45:06seriously? a blood oath?
00:45:08yeah it was dumb
00:45:09nobody does blood oaths anymore
00:45:11not since that guy fucked a monkey
00:45:13well I
00:45:15you promised somebody a breath mint and you reneged
00:45:18really? re-
00:45:20that is lame
00:45:23but also punishable by death and an eternity in hell
00:45:26damn
00:45:27seriously? there's nothing you can do
00:45:29if you'd given him a mint back you wouldn't even be here
00:45:33with my ideas for hell I'm worth a lot more to you alive than dead
00:45:37well you- you got a point
00:45:40hmm options possibilities
00:45:41you know I could give another mortal to the demons union
00:45:44spare your life
00:45:45that's great
00:45:46what can I do to repay you?
00:45:47why don't you help me to make this sacrifice a huge event
00:45:52a spectacle
00:45:53so big
00:45:54that it might even impress a certain angel
00:46:00deal?
00:46:01deal
00:46:02that's it?
00:46:03thank you devil
00:46:04actually
00:46:05I'm going to need you to sign an initial this
00:46:08and this
00:46:09it's a non-disclosure agreement
00:46:11oh and anyone working here under my employ needs to pass a urine test
00:46:15we just did drugs together like an hour ago
00:46:17I know
00:46:18I just kind of wanted your piss
00:46:19oh
00:46:27down here
00:46:29no way
00:46:30that's so rad
00:46:35hey
00:46:36is that a pogo stick?
00:46:40it sure is bromeo
00:46:41150 jumps yesterday
00:46:42give it up
00:46:43no breaks
00:46:44what?
00:46:45what?
00:46:46yeah yeah
00:46:47wait I thought you said pogo sticks are for pussies
00:46:49you said what about a pogo stick?
00:46:51ummm
00:46:52you said the pogo stick was a dick
00:46:54and only a pussy would need to jump up and down on it over and over
00:46:57no I didn't say pogo sticks
00:46:59no I didn't say pogo sticks
00:47:00I said hobo dicks
00:47:02why is this woman lying?
00:47:04he's a fat little lesbian that lies
00:47:07I like pogo sticks
00:47:08I would never disrespect a pogo stick
00:47:10this is what you've been doing for the last two thousand years?
00:47:14you've been down here playing with toys
00:47:16check that as a yes
00:47:18whoa whoa whoa
00:47:19no thank you Charon
00:47:20we're fine
00:47:21that guy thinks his boats are the shit
00:47:24the wood is rotting
00:47:26it's a boat only fit for illegal immigrants
00:47:29I wish he'd just row back to Cuba
00:47:34Remy Rams check out my skills yo
00:47:36hell yeah man
00:47:39wow
00:47:40pretty cool huh? that's me
00:47:41she looks pretty hot
00:47:42look how hot I am
00:47:46that's incredible man you painted that?
00:47:48I painted it in post for at the same time
00:47:51how do you even physically do that? you're amazing
00:47:53Remy I am just like you
00:47:55I put my underwear on one ball at a time
00:47:58when did you learn to paint?
00:47:59the moment I was born I came out of the womb
00:48:02and I quickly turned around and I painted my mother's vagina
00:48:09you guys like the lyre?
00:48:12is that like a guitar?
00:48:13I don't know
00:48:14does a guitar increase the gravity of a pair of woman's panties?
00:48:18mmhmm
00:48:20I could make a tree bone me with this thing
00:48:22and the trees will bone you here
00:48:24so be careful
00:48:26does this sound right to you?
00:48:27yeah that sounds good
00:48:28a tree will fuck me?
00:48:30when I was a small boy I was walking through a forest
00:48:33and a tree tried to overpower me
00:48:35oh really? what did you do?
00:48:37he pushed me on the ground
00:48:38and wrapped his leaves around my face and arms
00:48:41and then the next thing I knew
00:48:43a branch was penetrating my ass
00:48:45oh god
00:48:46oh
00:48:47it was a pointy, pointy branch
00:48:49I mean did he wear like a leaf condom or anything?
00:48:52no
00:48:53just bark
00:48:54when he was done
00:48:56he shed his egg corns upon my back
00:48:58oh that's the worst thing I've ever heard
00:49:03um
00:49:04orpheus
00:49:05uh
00:49:06what were you wearing when the tree violated you?
00:49:10you think I asked for it?
00:49:12were you maybe dressed like a bush?
00:49:14I was dressed like a human being
00:49:16alright I'm sorry
00:49:17I'm gonna go and start a shelter for tree rape victims
00:49:20it's not a joke
00:49:22uh
00:49:24mr. orpheus
00:49:25why have you stayed here if you could leave at any time?
00:49:28especially with trees like my uncle carl
00:49:31well me and my road dogs used to come down here all the time rescuing virgins and they'd say
00:49:36oh well some now gangster
00:49:38let me thank you with my lady parts
00:49:40well if I must
00:49:41oh by the way this baby's yours
00:49:43and then I'm just like
00:49:44I'm outta here missy
00:49:45responsibilities
00:49:47that shit is zombie walk man
00:49:49I'm like black people
00:49:51I'll take freedom
00:49:52preacher
00:49:53meet the choir
00:49:54wow orpheus
00:49:56don't you ever get lonely down here?
00:49:58you must have once wished you had a family right?
00:50:01guess what?
00:50:02no
00:50:03hahaha
00:50:04fun times we're all having together
00:50:05you know what else would be fun?
00:50:06finding Kurt
00:50:07it's the reason we came down here
00:50:09ugh
00:50:10fine
00:50:11whatevs
00:50:12I can get you wherever you want to go
00:50:14but first
00:50:15you must pass
00:50:16the trials of the mortals
00:50:19well I hope you all are ready for a physical challenge
00:50:29who wants to see how good I am?
00:50:31yes
00:50:32ok
00:50:33moving
00:50:34moving
00:50:35breathing
00:50:36very hard
00:50:37super strong
00:50:38super speed
00:50:39watch me fucking leap so high
00:50:41stuck it
00:50:42I can leap and fart at the same
00:50:44oh
00:50:45fuck me
00:50:46oh
00:50:47it hurts so bad
00:50:49I'm weak
00:50:50you know what
00:50:51you guys are good
00:50:52everyone passed
00:50:53A pluses
00:50:54thank you
00:50:58warriors
00:50:59I've tested your mind and body
00:51:01now
00:51:02the hardest test of all
00:51:04you must resist that which tears all mortal men apart
00:51:08women
00:51:09in a minute a super hot sexy bitch is going to come through that door
00:51:13and try to seduce you into telling her the secret word
00:51:16she will stop at absolutely nothing to get it out of you
00:51:20you will want to fuck her silly
00:51:22trust me
00:51:23no matter what she does
00:51:24no matter how long she fucks you
00:51:26do not give her the secret word
00:51:28I repeat
00:51:29do not give it to her
00:51:31the secret word is Jasmine
00:51:33woohoo
00:51:35boys
00:51:36who wants to take their ball sacks and put them in my mouth
00:51:48jasmine jasmine jasmine jasmine
00:51:50jasmine jasmine jasmine
00:51:59you all failed to resist her charms
00:52:01i was watching from a remote monitor in the other room
00:52:06but you can all move on
00:52:08back to my tiki bar
00:52:09yes
00:52:10alright
00:52:11the one that i built out of that tree that sodomized me
00:52:16didn't we pass? i don't understand
00:52:18i can't believe i've spent my entire life looking for this loser
00:52:22i just need to find out one thing for sure and then i can put this behind me
00:52:26wait
00:52:27what?
00:52:30garçon
00:52:31these men need some victory juice
00:52:33to pour down our head holes
00:52:35let's make a toast
00:52:37rescuing kurt
00:52:38no
00:52:39to all the road dogs who have the courage to leave their pregnant wives
00:52:43yeah
00:52:44fuck them hoes
00:52:45orifice i bet you like all flavor bitches
00:52:48the fuck i do
00:52:49chinese asian korean pan asian pan korean
00:52:52goo goo guy pan
00:52:53that's a cantonese dinner dish
00:52:55yeah
00:52:56you'd fuck a cantonese dinner dish
00:52:58um
00:52:59yes
00:53:00well then
00:53:01cool
00:53:02pfff but no fat bitches
00:53:04no
00:53:05demon
00:53:06you're the coolest chick ever
00:53:08you're just like me
00:53:09if you didn't have a pussy i'd think you were my son
00:53:11and if you didn't have a pussy i'd think you were my dad
00:53:14oh busted
00:53:16come on orpheus
00:53:17get on the real real
00:53:19you never fucked a demon
00:53:21well
00:53:22okay
00:53:23there was just this one
00:53:24what was it like
00:53:25so we're in the bone zone
00:53:26i'm really finding my rhythm
00:53:28and suddenly she drops the
00:53:29oh let's move into my cottage
00:53:31made of tentacles
00:53:32and i was like peace
00:53:33out
00:53:34man i heard she really plumped up
00:53:37twinkies just jumped into her mouth
00:53:38what was her name
00:53:39what was her name
00:53:40mmm i barely remember
00:53:41i believe it was uh...
00:53:43hmm
00:53:44jermessa
00:53:45oh shit my face
00:53:47you deadbeat dad
00:53:50all this time i thought you were being held captive against your will
00:53:54i convinced myself that is why you never came home
00:53:58wait wait dema
00:53:59let's talk
00:54:00you're still gonna take us to kurt right
00:54:01i don't know where he is
00:54:03orpheus was supposed to have all the answers
00:54:05you lied
00:54:06of course i lied
00:54:08that's what demons do
00:54:09what a purple bitch
00:54:11how dare you say that to her
00:54:13someday she will be my purple wife
00:54:15i told you she was a liar
00:54:17oh yeah that's right
00:54:18because you're smarter than everybody
00:54:19i'm remy
00:54:20look at my weird haircut
00:54:21i wear a corduroy pea coat
00:54:23and listen to dubstep music
00:54:24well i'm tired of it
00:54:25women usually do that to me
00:54:27after i make love to them
00:54:28okay
00:54:29fuck him remy
00:54:31let's watch my sweet ass flat screen
00:54:33i have the entire big mama's house trilogy
00:54:36DEMA
00:54:47you're pathetic you know that
00:54:49yeah
00:54:50yeah
00:54:51where are you even going
00:54:52nowhere
00:54:53i was just looking for you
00:54:54i still think we can make a great team
00:54:57uh
00:54:58i don't know why you still believe in me
00:55:00i come from a lying demon and a selfish mortal
00:55:03doesn't change who you are
00:55:04my dad's like a big jerk
00:55:06and my mom lied to him about being a woman
00:55:09okay
00:55:10um
00:55:11i don't know what to do with that augie
00:55:12but
00:55:13thanks for giving me another chance
00:55:15get it
00:55:20what
00:55:21what
00:55:22uh
00:55:23hmm
00:55:24hmm
00:55:25hmm
00:55:26hmm
00:55:27twitter alert from the demon union
00:55:28what does it say
00:55:29what does it say
00:55:30it's a reminder to tune in and watch the mortal sacrifice tonight at the crossroads
00:55:36that's where they're gonna sacrifice kurt
00:55:38do you know how to get there
00:55:39yeah it's really close to here
00:55:42ha ha ha ha
00:55:43big mama you fooled them again
00:55:45would you fuck big mama
00:55:47yes
00:55:48would you
00:55:49bro dog
00:55:50i've fucked every woman i've ever met
00:55:52except for that smoking angel bob
00:55:54she's the one that got away
00:55:56what happened
00:55:57she just wanted to be stupid friends
00:56:00ugh
00:56:01i don't need friends anymore
00:56:02you know what i mean
00:56:03i need bros
00:56:04yeah
00:56:05you know what i'm saying man
00:56:06wake up
00:56:07see my bros in the bunk bed above me
00:56:09play video games
00:56:10then we order some za
00:56:11we eat it with all of our bros together
00:56:13high-fiving after each bite
00:56:15then we all take a shit together
00:56:16you have a bathroom with five toilets
00:56:18everyone making eye contact while reading maxim
00:56:21and the next day we do the same thing
00:56:22it's the way of the bro like you said
00:56:24well your way of the bro is a little different than mine
00:56:28but i hear you
00:56:29coming up tonight from the quick jet printer replacement cartridge stadium
00:56:33shirts and skins perform their latest single
00:56:35later mortal kurt myers will be sacrificed
00:56:38live
00:56:39shit kurt
00:56:40what's up
00:56:42we we gotta go
00:56:44go where brah
00:56:45orpheus we gotta save kurt
00:56:46huh
00:56:47come on that's what you do you rescue mortals from hell
00:56:50ugh i ain't that guy anymore
00:56:52that's a young man's game
00:56:54what do you say
00:56:55one last mission
00:56:57sorry
00:56:58well then i gotta go on my own
00:57:00why
00:57:01he's not your friend man
00:57:02i'm your friend
00:57:03you just said it
00:57:04you wanted to bro out and stare at each other on toilets
00:57:07i'm sorry brother
00:57:08i guess i'm gonna go set five mirrors up in my bathroom
00:57:12and stare at myself
00:57:13as i make the forbidden mud
00:57:15to the crossroads
00:57:20pretend you're going to florida
00:57:22of course his boat has a hole in it
00:57:27what a loser
00:57:28a loser
00:57:33augie
00:57:34hey augie
00:57:35hey dame what's going on
00:57:37augie
00:57:38kurt's gonna be sacrificed we have to save him
00:57:41we're handling it thank you for your interest
00:57:43um
00:57:44why don't you guys get in my boat
00:57:47look man i know i was a dick
00:57:52just get in
00:57:55fine
00:57:56you want me to say it
00:57:57i suppose you earned it
00:57:59i
00:58:01i love you man
00:58:02i never realized how great my friends are until i had that stupid thought that i didn't
00:58:07blah blah blah blah blah middle part you know i haven't made it easy on you
00:58:10took it for granted big clothes
00:58:12i'll never make this mistake again
00:58:15mm-hmm
00:58:17i really need you dude i can't do this on my own
00:58:20you
00:58:22you need me
00:58:24yep
00:58:34to the crossroads
00:58:43you're on in one minute
00:58:44damn
00:58:45i hate public speaking
00:58:46anyone got a xanax
00:58:47hey
00:58:48hell is ours
00:58:49we own this place am i right
00:58:51right right i'm the devil
00:58:53get out there on that stage and start strutting that shit
00:58:56yeah
00:58:57hail zayton
00:58:58i give you the devil
00:59:01oh and uh kurt we couldn't find any other mortals so we have to sacrifice you sorry
00:59:06wow that's bullshit hold on wait wait wait
00:59:08hurts me more than it uh okay thanks bye
00:59:12i'm fucked
00:59:16USA
00:59:18USA
00:59:19USA
00:59:20USA
00:59:21USA
00:59:22USA
00:59:23USA
00:59:24devil not devil
00:59:25devil
00:59:26devil
00:59:27devil
00:59:28oh come on
00:59:29devil
00:59:30us
00:59:32we are about to meet our sacrifice
00:59:34he's not just your average oath breaker
00:59:37he's a friendship forsaker
00:59:39oh
00:59:40oh
00:59:41you can't do this to me
00:59:42haha
00:59:43why not
00:59:44because we made a deal
00:59:46remember
00:59:47let me read it
00:59:49uh-huh
00:59:50boilerplate
00:59:51latin
00:59:52legalese
00:59:53read it out loud
00:59:54i will not sacrifice kurt if he helps me put on a real special show to impress barb the angel
01:00:00aha
01:00:01aha
01:00:02oh shit
01:00:03what the hell
01:00:04you're right
01:00:05it's all right here
01:00:06oh that is beautiful
01:00:08kurt
01:00:09yeah
01:00:10when is a contract not a contract
01:00:13when it's eaten
01:00:15oh
01:00:17ah
01:00:18devil you are a piece of shit
01:00:19oh
01:00:21oh
01:00:22oh
01:00:23oh
01:00:24oh
01:00:25haha
01:00:26I guess your contract is now null in point
01:00:28oh
01:00:29oh
01:00:30oh
01:00:31you alright there devil sound a little gassy
01:00:34oh
01:00:35almost feels like i ate a bad burrito or something
01:00:38yikes
01:00:39not good
01:00:40ahhhh
01:00:41demons
01:00:42continue with the sacrifice
01:00:44stomach
01:00:45let me introduce you to toilet
01:00:46you two should get along great
01:00:49Hey! Ow!
01:00:56Get off me, man!
01:00:58Oh, thank you, guys. Come on. Aw, shit.
01:01:11Those demons want blood.
01:01:13I know how this song ends.
01:01:15No! They're gonna kill him!
01:01:17How do we get past those guards?
01:01:18Hey! I got this one.
01:01:20There's nothing hornier than a demon in hell.
01:01:36Ooh!
01:01:40You'll be a woman to me
01:01:42Because I like what I see
01:01:45That way you're crossing your knees
01:01:48You'll make me step through the field
01:01:51You'll make me feel like a man
01:01:54I did so much as I can
01:01:57Help!
01:02:00Kurt!
01:02:01Hey! Help me!
01:02:03Kurt!
01:02:04Wait, what?
01:02:05Guys! How the fuck did you get down here?
01:02:07We came down to save you!
01:02:09Yo, what up?
01:02:10There's my sweet baby boy!
01:02:11Hey!
01:02:12Oh, mama missed you!
01:02:13Easy, Augie!
01:02:14Who's she?
01:02:15The devil's coming back!
01:02:16The devil's coming back!
01:02:17The devil's gonna sacrifice me!
01:02:18You gotta get me out of here!
01:02:19All right, let's go!
01:02:20Nobody mentioned anything about his diarrhea!
01:02:22What the fuck are you doing?
01:02:23Uh...
01:02:24No, no, no, no!
01:02:27No, no, no!
01:02:39No, no, no, no!
01:02:41Get off me!
01:02:42Get off me!
01:02:43Um...
01:02:44Leg of fire!
01:02:49No, no, no!
01:02:50No, no, no!
01:02:51Hold on, Remy!
01:02:52Remy!
01:02:53Ah!
01:02:54Yeah!
01:02:55I'm back!
01:02:56Keep the fan on in there.
01:02:58Well, well, what do we have here?
01:03:01Um, can we get that bridge back?
01:03:04If you answer yes to any of these questions,
01:03:07you may have an enlarged prostate.
01:03:09Do you have difficulty urinating?
01:03:11Yes.
01:03:12Weak stream?
01:03:13Yes.
01:03:14Dribbling?
01:03:15Yes.
01:03:16Painful urination?
01:03:17Yes.
01:03:18Pussy yellow discharge?
01:03:19Yes.
01:03:20If you answered yes to all of these questions,
01:03:22go immediately to the hospital.
01:03:23No.
01:03:24Okay.
01:03:25In addition to one mortal,
01:03:27we are also going to sacrifice
01:03:29the daughter of Orpheus!
01:03:31Zing!
01:03:32My daughter?
01:03:33You want that Orpheus?
01:03:34Mm-hmm!
01:03:35Tough beans!
01:03:36Oh, shit.
01:03:37I've got to save her!
01:03:39Oh, fuck me.
01:03:42Oh, animals.
01:03:43Where the hell is my phone?
01:03:47And an extra order of dipping sauce.
01:03:48Give me that!
01:03:49Oh, God!
01:03:50Oh, but I gave him my credit card!
01:03:52I told you to stop calling me.
01:03:58I know, I know.
01:03:59But I thought you'd like to know
01:04:00that I found the two mortals you're looking for.
01:04:04No way!
01:04:05You're just saying this to get me to come down there.
01:04:07Oh, no!
01:04:08I promise it's true!
01:04:09How do I know?
01:04:10Prove it!
01:04:11Uh, you know what?
01:04:12I'll take a picture with my phone
01:04:13and send it to you.
01:04:14Out there.
01:04:15And...
01:04:16Sending!
01:04:18What?
01:04:20It's a dick pic.
01:04:21Sorry.
01:04:22Wrong picture.
01:04:23Sending!
01:04:25Oh, my devil.
01:04:26It is the mortals.
01:04:28I said I would find them for you, and I did.
01:04:30I'll be right there.
01:04:31Get ready for some sweet devil-loving.
01:04:33Hello?
01:04:36Shirts and skins, you're next!
01:04:38Last rehearsal!
01:04:39Last rehearsal!
01:04:40Do-wah, ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-tu-wah, ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti.
01:04:45She's my angel.
01:04:50Angel.
01:04:51She's my angel.
01:04:54She's my angel.
01:04:55She's my angel.
01:04:57Angel.
01:04:59Yeah!
01:05:00I'm a big fan!
01:05:01Oh, that's great, man.
01:05:03Super cool.
01:05:04Yes.
01:05:05Want me to sign something for you?
01:05:06Will you autograph my fist with your face?
01:05:08face ah sure man oh god oh shit god fuck me hmm i came by to inform you that the concert has been
01:05:17rescheduled the good news is you're all still getting paid and laid yes oh fellas please leave
01:05:24your costumes and there is an assortment of groupies waiting outside to suck your dicks
01:05:30fuck yeah doc my dick's gonna be a straw word okay demons and damned before we sacrifice
01:05:38any mortals i'd like to introduce to you my favorite boy band shirts and skins with a z
01:05:55what that's just shirts where the fuck is skins look i'm sorry the rest of the band is stuck in traffic
01:06:02so i'm gonna rock three times as hard as a young boy i found solace in the forest wild and free
01:06:16till that fateful day youth was ripped away need the boughs of an old oak tree he wrapped his leaves
01:06:24around my fragile frame and thrust me to the grass how my face did blanch as his mighty branch did
01:06:32penetrate my ass now when a tree comes in the forest tell me do you think it makes a sound no you'll only
01:06:43hear the whale of a broken tired lion but up on the ground my life and ass both splintered and my sphincter torn and
01:06:56loose so i mourn for my loss innocence and for all that's pure and good and i mourn the day i learn the painful
01:07:06meaning of the meaning of morning moon morning moon
01:07:29haha what is this surprise surprise it is i
01:07:36orpheus you thought i was someone else but i'm not someone else i'm orpheus the guy that you didn't
01:07:44think i was but i am now yeah i get it that's called a disguise you put it on i thought you were
01:07:50someone else no more explaining i can't believe you made it yeah you said you're retiring from saving
01:07:55mortals i did but i never said anything about retiring from saving half mortals really you came back here for
01:08:03me yes look i know i wasn't the best father and i wasn't around for you and i really regret that
01:08:11oh dad that's so sweet of you to say yes sweet lips oh oh this isn't that oh i may have slightly
01:08:22misread that situation yeah uh we haven't actually done a dna test so there's still a possibility that
01:08:28this isn't totally disgusting no no matter i love you daughter okay let's get out of hell
01:08:36let's get out of hell everybody on what oh
01:08:46give me
01:08:46ha ha i win it's time for bam the sacrifice
01:09:02oh
01:09:17bob the one that got away
01:09:23oh yeah slutty angel
01:09:26she's on the wrong side of 40. mama
01:09:37wish i was that pole
01:09:47look here's your mortals
01:09:48what is that song about getting raped by trees it it was so beautiful and personal
01:09:57you're such a sensitive artist barb i'm a sensitive artist too
01:10:03what the hell look at the painting i did of you it's a blacklight painting of me on a dune buggy
01:10:11oh
01:10:15jeez louise
01:10:26morpheus isn't going down easy here she is
01:10:31we need more ammunition you're not gonna kill him are you start folding t-shirts you're scared
01:10:38you're not gonna kill him
01:10:40you're not gonna kill him
01:10:41you're not gonna kill him
01:10:42darling i've traveled many many miles to find you you have yes i've tried to fight off my feelings but
01:10:49the head can't tell the heart where to go what do you say you me and my penis get hitched and fly
01:10:55off into the sunset oh the only thing that matters is bob do you want to spend the rest of our life
01:11:03together they all said that our love stood not a chance that our hearts could never keep it in their pens
01:11:15but when my penis saw your sweet vagina standing cross the room what is this jersey boys my scrotum did a
01:11:25backflip and my lonely balls did swoon i hate musicals mama mia wasn't bad now it's clear that this love was meant to be
01:11:36me
01:11:38my vagina my penis you stop singing
01:11:45oh
01:11:45shit
01:11:46oh no
01:11:47hey
01:11:47the demons want blood
01:11:49we gotta get out of here now
01:11:50hurry up grab a fistful of white
01:11:52hold on
01:11:53woke me up
01:11:57wait for me
01:11:59barf you gotta go back
01:12:00grab on tubby
01:12:01you don't have to call me that reach with your sausage fingers come on honey pretend we're made
01:12:06out of cookie dough i got it go
01:12:10die orpheus
01:12:14look out
01:12:18oh
01:12:19shit barb
01:12:20fucking t-shirt
01:12:23no
01:12:26we're gaining speed
01:12:27we gotta wake her up
01:12:28uh she's out cold
01:12:30barb
01:12:31wake up
01:12:32do something remy
01:12:33slap her harder
01:12:35try the back of your hand
01:12:38oh no
01:12:47oh
01:12:47fuck me
01:13:00what's that sound
01:13:02it's a sex offender alert
01:13:05cool app
01:13:06shh
01:13:07quiet
01:13:18run
01:13:23holy
01:13:24shit
01:13:25these trees are alive man
01:13:26careful down here
01:13:27there are trees who think no
01:13:29means yes
01:13:30just don't stop running
01:13:31wait
01:13:32where's barb
01:13:37help
01:13:40i have to go back for bob
01:13:42dad no
01:13:43we'll catch up to you
01:13:44there
01:13:47head for the cave
01:13:49i'm coming bob hold on
01:13:52were you trying to hit her boss
01:13:54i mean you shot her right between the eyes
01:13:57she's probably fine she's an angel
01:14:01it was a good shot
01:14:03if you meant to hit her
01:14:04knock it off focus
01:14:07oof
01:14:08what's that smell
01:14:11true heroes
01:14:13to have laid such a costly sacrifice upon the altar of freedom
01:14:18yeah
01:14:19but that's what you get for chasing pussy
01:14:23ow
01:14:23stitching up your wing this is the stitching up your wings
01:14:27so
01:14:27look out
01:14:28don't you touch her
01:14:29what no i'm helping her
01:14:32oh really
01:14:34orpheus
01:14:36tree
01:14:37you look familiar
01:14:48orpheus
01:14:49orpheus
01:14:51yeah it's me you diddler
01:14:53i always hoped i'd run into you someday
01:14:55i bet you did
01:14:57no no it's it's not like that i i wanted to apologize for what i did to you
01:15:02i'm sorry he's just not going to cut it
01:15:04did you ever get my gift basket
01:15:06no
01:15:07you're kidding i tracked the package
01:15:10i understand your anger but i've done a lot of work in therapy to get better
01:15:15is there anything i can do to make it right
01:15:17when i find orpheus i'm gonna mount his balls on a stick
01:15:22there is one thing
01:15:28hey tree
01:15:28have you seen an angel
01:15:32i did yes
01:15:34well where is she
01:15:36um
01:15:38she went
01:15:40that way
01:15:42oh okay
01:15:44well good good to see you
01:15:46keep growing
01:15:47yeah keep growing tree
01:15:49what do you want me to do to him
01:15:52shed your egg corns across his back
01:15:56my psychologist is going to kill me
01:15:58but i'll do it
01:16:00let us escape to a secret place where i can motorboat those wings
01:16:04you're so dirty
01:16:09hey does anybody want to stop for some red bull and crystal meth smoothies
01:16:13oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
01:16:43What are you gonna do to me?
01:16:44What do they want from me?
01:16:47No, no, no, no, no.
01:16:50Little pig in the blanket.
01:16:53Uh, that tree is putting on lipstick.
01:16:55Ah, Kurt, Dima, Remy.
01:17:00Are you fucking serious?
01:17:02I hope that's for marshmallows.
01:17:04No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:17:06Hold on.
01:17:06Yes!
01:17:14Oh, bullseye!
01:17:17What the fuck?
01:17:22This is my house.
01:17:24You gonna screw with me?
01:17:27No!
01:17:36You had a mint the whole time?
01:17:41What?
01:17:42A mint.
01:17:43I didn't know it was there.
01:17:44It must have been stuck in the lining of my shirt, I swear.
01:17:46Who gives a shit about a stupid mint?
01:17:50A mint?
01:17:51Huh?
01:17:52Don't let him eat that mint.
01:17:53Oh, shit.
01:17:55That's it, Remy.
01:17:56Eat that mint.
01:17:57It's too late.
01:17:58I don't want your mint now.
01:18:00No, no, it's not about that.
01:18:01It'll reverse the curse.
01:18:03It'll get us out.
01:18:04Quick, man, hurry up.
01:18:05Get me that mint.
01:18:08Come on.
01:18:10Put the whole thing in your mouth.
01:18:12Can't reach.
01:18:14Eat it.
01:18:15Get your lips around that mint.
01:18:17I've tried my whole life.
01:18:19Golf it down.
01:18:20Take all of it down your throat.
01:18:22Make this sound when you do it.
01:18:24It helps.
01:18:25Take all your balls.
01:18:28Demon, quick.
01:18:30Remy, eat it.
01:18:31Eat it.
01:18:31Hurry up.
01:18:35Remy, yeah, you did it, man.
01:18:43Yeah, I can touch my dick with my tongue.
01:18:46Hey, Remy, look.
01:18:48Huh?
01:18:49Holy shit.
01:18:50What?
01:18:51Ah, that portal's kind of scaring me, boss.
01:18:55Yeah, I'm thinking I just go back up top.
01:18:57I'm going to call it a day.
01:18:58No, no.
01:19:02Okay, hold on.
01:19:04Don't let go.
01:19:08No, no.
01:19:12Wait, tell me where Barb is.
01:19:15No, no, no, no, no.
01:19:16Later, Devon.
01:19:21Wait, wait.
01:19:22No, no.
01:19:23Hello, Devil.
01:19:32Huh?
01:19:33Care for some wine?
01:19:36No, thanks.
01:19:37I'm okay.
01:19:38It's an earthly Bordeaux, and it pairs wonderfully with I'm going to rape you.
01:19:43Look, over there.
01:19:51It appears the better man has won.
01:19:54Don't worry.
01:19:55You'll still get a chance to be with her.
01:19:57I will?
01:19:58I'm going to go to Walgreens and buy a shitty devil mask and fuck her silly while I wear it.
01:20:03Oh, don't.
01:20:04Oh, come on.
01:20:05Sorry, Devil.
01:20:07I'm a pretty package with an ugly gift inside.
01:20:09Oh, my God.
01:20:18Hail Satan.
01:20:21Hail Satan.
01:20:24Hail Satan.
01:20:29Holy shit.
01:20:34We're back.
01:20:36I love this place.
01:20:37Oh, my God.
01:20:39We did it.
01:20:41God, I miss the smell of cotton candy.
01:20:43Augie, you have a syringe stuck to your face.
01:20:47This place hasn't changed a bit.
01:20:50Definitely an opiate.
01:20:52What?
01:20:55Where have you guys been?
01:20:57Clamp!
01:20:58Man, I'm happy to see you.
01:20:59What's going on here?
01:21:01Whose treasure is this?
01:21:02This book is amazing.
01:21:04The devil is the new Jesus.
01:21:05Who knew?
01:21:08Devil tears sell better than dipping dots.
01:21:11Remy!
01:21:11Your idea worked!
01:21:13Yes!
01:21:14Oh, my God.
01:21:15Yes!
01:21:16We did it!
01:21:16Woo-hoo!
01:21:17What are we going to do with all this money?
01:21:19What are we going to do with all this money?
01:21:26Let's go, let's go.
01:21:32One foot in front of the other.
01:21:35I don't really want to be oblivious
01:21:39Oblivious
01:21:42Where are all the clouds with the silver lining?
01:21:47Have they blown away?
01:21:50Oh, where are all the clouds with the silver lining?
01:21:55Have they blown away?
01:22:05La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
01:22:14Hey now my sisters and my brothers
01:22:17Do you really want to be oblivious?
01:22:21Oblivious
01:22:24Where are all the clouds with the silver lining?
01:22:29Have they blown away?
01:22:32Oh, where are all the clouds with the silver lining?
01:22:36Have they blown away?
01:22:41Let me just push this button to get this escalator started up again
01:22:44Thank you
01:22:46Oh yeah, that's right, there's no button
01:22:49You start walking
01:22:51So just walk up to the top of the escalator?
01:22:53Yeah, there's no motor gonna help you out here
01:22:55You're just gonna walk up that escalator
01:22:57Is it something like it's a million miles long, the escalator?
01:23:00Ten miles long, that's pretty good
01:23:02That would be unpleasant
01:23:03Yeah, that would be real unpleasant
01:23:04I only made it one story tall
01:23:06Um, but you're gonna walk it?
01:23:09Yeah, you're walking that whole story
01:23:11Understood
01:23:12All 27 steps
01:23:14All right, here I go
01:23:15How do you like that, huh?
01:23:16Not the best, not the best
01:23:17I would have preferred if the escalator had been functioning
01:23:19Welcome to hell
01:23:21Hello again
01:23:30Sit down
01:23:31All right, well, it's just here in the booster seat
01:23:33Yeah, like a baby
01:23:35You're being punished in the booster seat
01:23:37Uncomfortable, I guess, a little bit
01:23:38Just sit there like you're a crying baby
01:23:40Did you need me to cry?
01:23:42Uh, there's end of the year evaluations
01:23:44Gotcha, okay
01:23:45Oh, booster seat
01:23:47Yeah, just
01:23:48Why?
01:23:49I'm a man
01:23:50It's good, throw in a juice box
01:23:51Say something about it
01:23:52Oh, I wish I had a juice box
01:23:54They're not getting a juice box, Nora
01:23:56Oh, please, just the one
01:23:57Welcome to hell
01:23:58Welcome to hell
01:24:28To hell
01:24:29But we caniamo
01:24:30backup
01:24:31to touch
01:24:32Before it comes
01:24:33Before the cons gets put on a Question
01:24:34Get some
01:24:35Get some
01:24:36Get some
01:24:37Get some
01:24:41Get some
01:24:42oh
01:24:46Oh
01:24:48Oh
01:24:51Oh
01:24:53Here they come
01:24:54Here they come
01:24:56Oh-oh-oh-oh
01:24:58Oh-oh-oh-oh
01:25:01Oh-oh-oh-oh
01:25:04Get some, get some
01:25:08Let's we all get up
01:25:12Before the dark skipped reading by us
01:25:14Let's rise to the top
01:25:17Before the dark skipped put on the rush
01:25:20Get some, get some
01:25:22Get some, get some
01:25:25Get some, get some
01:25:27Get some, get some
01:25:55Get some, get some