Malcolm In The Middle Season 4 Episode 10 If Boys Were Girls
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00:00He says I have a nice, thick placenta.
00:03What's a placenta?
00:05Don't tell him! God!
00:07Why are you boys being so squeamish?
00:09Come on, Mom. It's gross.
00:11What are you talking about? You should be grateful.
00:14When you were in my womb, you were feeding off my placenta for nine months.
00:18Okay, that's it.
00:24I told you we only needed a medium.
00:27Yes, no, maybe.
00:31I don't know.
00:34Can you repeat the question?
00:38You're not the boss of me now.
00:41You're not the boss of me now.
00:44You're not the boss of me now.
00:46And you're not so big.
00:49You're not the boss of me now.
00:52You're not the boss of me now.
00:55You're not the boss of me now.
00:57You're not the boss of me now.
00:58And you're not so big.
01:02Life is unfair.
01:07Lois, you're not being fair.
01:13Every year, you tell me what you want for Valentine's Day.
01:16Every year!
01:17Now, this year, you want me to buy you a present without so much as a clue?
01:22Can we discuss this later?
01:24When?
01:25After I've brought home a gift you hate and makes me look like a jackass and you never forgive me?
01:30Here, mint or original.
01:31I don't remember the morning sickness lasting this long.
01:34Well, you are a lot older.
01:36I mean, you know, we all are.
01:38I mean, that's what happens.
01:39Everyone gets older and older until they die.
01:42Can we get back to your gift?
01:44Hal, you're gonna have at least four hours at the mall while I'm shopping with the boys.
01:49You'll find something.
01:50This isn't fair!
01:51You want a trade?
01:53You want to take three teenage boys to the basement sale at Hanning's and force them to try in a year's worth of school clothes?
02:01No, I'm good.
02:02Oh, God.
02:04My feet are so swollen I'm gonna need clown shoes.
02:08I can't believe I'm going through this again.
02:11So, boy or girl?
02:14What?
02:15Oh, come on.
02:16Just between us.
02:17Would you rather have a boy or a girl?
02:19Hal.
02:20Hal.
02:21Oh, I know, I know.
02:22As long as it's healthy, we both know the drill.
02:24But deep down, you must want one more than the other.
02:29Well?
02:33I'll get the vacuum.
02:37You broke my space fighter!
02:40Give it!
02:41You give it!
02:42What is going on here?
02:43He stole my pen!
02:45My favorite pen!
02:46Look at him holding ya!
02:48You always get the pen!
02:50I never get the pen!
02:52All I want is the pen!
02:55What is wrong with you boys?
02:57We have a whole drawer full of pens right here!
03:00I just have everything I want!
03:02I never have what I need!
03:04I don't even have my own bed!
03:06Why does everything in my life suck?
03:08No!
03:09You owe me a new space fighter!
03:11Shut up and get your own pen!
03:13No!
03:14Give it to me!
03:15Give it to me!
03:16Give it to me!
03:17Give it to me!
03:18Give it to me!
03:19Give it to me!
03:20Give it to me!
03:21Give it to me!
03:22Give it to me!
03:23You give it to me!
03:25Rene!
03:26Please don't touch it!
03:27Mallory, you're being silly.
03:28It's just a pen.
03:29I was gonna do homework with it.
03:32Unless there's a reason this pen's important to you.
03:37It's stupid.
03:38No it isn't Mallory!
03:39You can tell her!
03:40Daisy's right!
03:41You can tell me!
03:42How come you never say what's on your mind?
03:45Yeah!
03:46You're always so quiet!
03:48Well, this boy dropped it in biology class.
04:01He chewed on it a little.
04:03I am so sorry!
04:04I should've known that!
04:05I hate being dumb!
04:07If I didn't grow such great hair, my head would be useless!
04:10You don't have to be a genius!
04:12You're sweet and thoughtful!
04:15And that's what counts!
04:16Aww!
04:18Wow!
04:19That was the worst fight we've had in months!
04:25Why don't you just die?!
04:27Give me my pen!
04:29I'm warning you!
04:30Ooh, I'm scared!
04:31What are you gonna do?
04:33What's the baby gonna do?
04:36Malcolm!
04:43Malcolm?
04:44You can take Reese?
04:45No one's taking anybody!
04:47I can't believe you boys!
04:51Oh my God!
04:52Look at you!
04:53He better not need stitches!
04:56Yeah, like you weren't begging for it!
05:00Come on!
05:01We've got a lot of shopping to do!
05:05Hello?
05:06Mom!
05:07Great!
05:08Listen!
05:09I need a favor!
05:10I need you to go in the garage!
05:12Under the paint tarps next to the rat poison is my old box of Mad magazines and the one I
05:18need you to find is in the middle stack!
05:20Francis, what are you talking about?
05:22I got a $20 bet on whether the cover is Stagnum PI or Magnum PU!
05:27Francis, I don't have time for this!
05:30Oh, of course you don't!
05:32Because every time something important to me comes-
05:34Well you hurry up!
05:45We're gonna have to park like a mile away!
05:47Why do we have to go shopping anyway?
05:49Because you ruin everything you own!
05:52New clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers!
05:55Mine do!
06:02Hell!
06:03Hurry up!
06:04Why can't you go shopping without us?
06:06I'm a medium, I like blue!
06:08Go crazy!
06:09Seriously mom, think about it!
06:11You're dragging us to a place that we don't like!
06:13To buy clothes we don't care about!
06:15For money you don't want to spend!
06:17To look nice for people who hate our guts!
06:19And if we go to the shoe store before we look for jeans,
06:21we can get yogurt in between!
06:23Mom, will you help me pick out earrings?
06:24No!
06:25She's gonna help me pick out tops!
06:27You know what we should do?
06:28You two take the first floor and we'll take the second floor
06:31and we'll meet every 45 minutes at the pretzel place
06:33and see what else we need to get!
06:35And then-
06:36Girls, girls, calm down!
06:38We do this like five times a week!
06:40You think you'd be bored by now?
06:42I know why Mallory wants to meet at the pretzel place!
06:44That's where Jason McNeil works!
06:46Miss Daisy!
06:47That's who you have a crush on?
06:49Jason?
06:50Maybe!
06:51Mallory, he has a mustache!
06:53You don't want anything to do with a boy like that!
06:55You're always so protective of me!
06:57Come on daddy, hurry!
06:59Do you really want to shop?
07:00Hurry!
07:01Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!
07:04Dammit, that's enough!
07:05Now we're going shopping and that is it!
07:08Hurry up!
07:09I can't!
07:10I can't!
07:11I can't!
07:12I can't!
07:13I can't!
07:14I can't!
07:15I can't!
07:16I can't!
07:17I can't!
07:18Do you want one for you?
07:19Do you want one for the house?
07:20Do you want sincere?
07:21Hal, you know what I like!
07:23Just because you've always told me!
07:25For the past five Valentine's Days you've asked for a lawn mower!
07:29Bat sauce!
07:30Earrings!
07:31A hibachi!
07:32A porcelain cat!
07:34There's no pattern, Lois!
07:36It's just madness!
07:37I'm telling you with madness!
07:39Okay, I'm going to let you do this to yourself.
07:41My feet are killing me.
07:43We're going to hit the food court before the sale.
07:46Fine!
07:48Be that way!
07:50Don't come crying to me when you end up with a pair of puppy oven mitts!
07:57Do you like puppy oven mitts?
08:01One salad with light dressing and three grande chili stampedes.
08:10One with extra onions, one with extra beans and extra onions, and one with extra beans and extra, extra onions.
08:17You shut down my star pod for the last time, Zoltan!
08:23Whatcha gonna do?
08:25What's the baby gonna do, huh?
08:28Ahh!
08:29My lip!
08:30Oh!
08:31It hurts!
08:32I don't want a hat, Hal!
08:33Okay, if one of you boys wants to get napkins, we can stop.
08:37Come on, keep the windows open tonight!
08:38I'm gonna rip the biggest hole in my sweater!
08:42Look at this!
08:43I think I snagged it on something!
08:44I hate when I ruin my things!
08:49Remember when I was two and I got cake on my jumper?
08:50Don't worry!
08:51I snagged a blouse once!
08:52That's when Mom taught me how to sew!
08:53Why isn't Daddy back from the pharmacy?
08:54Why isn't Daddy back from the pharmacy yet?
08:55I'll bet he's sneaking a cigarette!
08:56Now you girls let him be!
08:57Sometimes he just needs a break!
08:58It's not easy being the only boy in the bathroom!
08:59Why not?
09:00I'm gonna rip the biggest hole in my sweater!
09:02Look at this!
09:03I think I snagged it on something!
09:06I hate when I ruin my things!
09:08Remember when I was two and I got cake on my jumper?
09:12Don't worry!
09:13I snagged a blouse once!
09:15That's when Mom taught me how to sew!
09:17Why isn't Daddy back from the pharmacy yet?
09:19I'll bet he's sneaking a cigarette!
09:21Now you girls let him be!
09:23Sometimes he just needs a break!
09:25It's not easy being the only boy in the family!
09:28Oh look!
09:31Hi honey!
09:32We're over here!
09:34Hi Daddy!
09:35Hi Daddy!
09:36Hi girls!
09:37Sorry it took so long!
09:38No one's upset with me, are they?
09:41Bought everyone some cookies!
09:46Oh, they're gone!
09:48Daddy, you know how you like to make me happy?
09:53Yes?
09:54Well there is the cutest little makeup kit at the clinic counter!
09:58Oh honey, no!
10:00No, that's absolutely not!
10:03I don't even like you wearing makeup!
10:05And that stuff is so overpriced!
10:07What's such a hurry?
10:09Mal, it's all right!
10:11Mallory, stop manipulating your father!
10:13You know there's no sport in it!
10:15She wants to look pretty for Jason!
10:17Who's Jason?
10:18Who's Jason?
10:19Daddy, keep your voice down!
10:20He's right over there!
10:23God, I can't believe you!
10:24No!
10:25I don't know how you've seen that guy!
10:26Daddy!
10:27Don't you think Mallory should be with someone else?
10:29No!
10:30Well that's easy for you to say!
10:32You have like 50 guys after you!
10:3450?
10:35All right girls, that's enough!
10:42Now Renee, I know you love your sister, but you can't live her life for her!
10:48And Mallory, I know you want to look older and more sophisticated, but trust me, that three dollar lip gloss is working just fine!
10:57You're right, Mom.
10:58You're always right!
10:59Hey!
11:00I was gonna eat that!
11:01Tough luck!
11:02What the hell is wrong with you?
11:03You've got your hands off!
11:04Will you touch that plate?
11:05Damn!
11:06Can I help you?
11:27Can I help you?
11:35Don't do it.
11:40All right, we're going in.
11:42You see anything in your size, grab it and hold on to it,
11:45no matter what anyone tries to do to you.
11:47Protect your heads, don't trust anyone.
11:49What's going to do, scare us?
11:51Yes, fear is good. It's an 80% off sale.
11:54Fear will keep you alive.
11:57Don't worry. We're with Malcolm.
12:12Oh, the foot spa. Those are good, right?
12:15Oh, yeah, they're amazing. I already have two.
12:18This one's for my downstairs bathroom.
12:20Well, enjoy.
12:22I would like the deluxe foot spa with remote control,
12:26and I'd like a gift drop, please.
12:28I'm sorry. That was our last one.
12:30No!
12:31What about the one in the window?
12:34It's a display model. It's just a shell.
12:37But you have to...
12:39I need the...
12:41The perfect...
12:42The perfect...
12:43My wife...
12:44Sir!
12:46Sir!
12:47Excuse me. Hi.
12:52I'm Hal.
12:53Remember your friend from just now in the store?
12:56Yeah, hi.
12:57Hi.
12:58I was trying to get one of those foot spas for my wife.
13:01Oh, really?
13:02Yeah.
13:03My pregnant wife.
13:05For Valentine's Day.
13:07Yeah.
13:08And apparently, you bought the last one.
13:11So, I was wondering, since you already have two,
13:15if you wouldn't mind selling me that one.
13:20No, I don't think so. Sorry.
13:22Look, you don't understand.
13:24I have been searching and searching.
13:28I'll give you double what you paid for it.
13:29No!
13:30I'll give you triple.
13:31Look, I'm sorry, but no.
13:33This is mine.
13:34I bought it.
13:35I'm sure if you just keep looking around, you'll find something else.
13:38Oh, well. Okay.
13:39Okay.
13:40Um...
13:41Ah!
13:42How about this?
13:50Where is he?
13:51Oh, my.
13:53Oh, my.
13:54Oh, my.
13:55Oh, my.
14:02Oh, my.
14:03Oh, my.
14:05Oh, my.
14:07Oh, my.
14:09Oh, my.
14:10Oh, my.
14:11Oh, my.
14:12Oh, my.
14:13Oh, my.
14:14Oh, my.
14:15Oh, my.
14:16Oh, my.
14:17Oh, my.
14:18Oh, my.
14:19Oh, my.
14:20Oh, my.
14:21Oh, my.
14:22Oh, my.
14:23Oh, my.
14:24Oh, my.
14:25Oh, my.
14:26Oh, my.
14:27Oh, my.
14:28Oh, my.
14:29Oh, my.
14:30Oh, my.
14:31Oh, my.
14:32Oh, my.
14:33Oh, my.
14:34Oh, my.
14:35Oh, my.
14:36Oh, my.
14:37Oh, my.
14:38Oh, my.
14:39Oh, my.
14:40I can see through that old lady's bra.
14:44We've got to get out of here before we're scarred for life.
14:47Come on.
14:50Hey, Mom, let me try.
14:51You did not already try on those clothes.
14:54And you do not have a term paper due,
14:56and you are not going to suddenly develop stomach cramps.
14:59How did you...
14:59Please, who do you think you're talking to?
15:01Now go, try on those clothes.
15:05Reese, take these and go with your brother.
15:08Mom, what are you doing?
15:09Why are you giving me a pink shirt?
15:11I don't wear pink.
15:12I've never worn pink.
15:13That shirt is red.
15:15If you have something to say, just come out and say it.
15:19Oh, my God, I'll find you another one.
15:25Excuse me.
15:28Wow, what happened to your face?
15:31I slept in it wrong.
15:32What do you mean?
15:33Well, I was sleeping like this,
15:36and then my knee went up into my elbow,
15:38and my elbow hit my hand,
15:40and it went in my mouth.
15:41And no one hit me, okay?
15:43I don't want to hear any more of your whining.
15:45You try this on right now.
15:47Understood?
15:58Why are you standing here?
15:59You're wasting time.
16:00I'm not changing out here in front of everybody.
16:03You know what?
16:04I don't even need new clothes.
16:05I'll just live off the lost and bad at school.
16:07It's all better than this crap anyway.
16:09Mom!
16:10Mom!
16:11There you are.
16:13Look, it's a $200 dress.
16:15They marked down to $30.
16:16Oh, my God.
16:17This is like a dream.
16:18Mom, you will not believe this.
16:19I had Daisy dig through the cabinets under the sales table,
16:22and we found all this stuff they were saving to put out for tomorrow.
16:26Yeah, we've got all the clothes we need for the whole year.
16:29Good work, girls.
16:31Uh-oh.
16:32Look who's here.
16:39You know, I wouldn't be insulted
16:40if you wanted to go for an ice cream with him.
16:42Maybe later.
16:44This is our special day, Mom.
16:46Yeah, and we haven't even got to the best part yet,
16:48when we help find things for you.
16:50I can't really describe him.
16:55He was just an average-looking guy,
16:56but he had kind of crazy eyes.
16:59Is that helpful?
17:00Sir, I'm so sorry.
17:03I don't know what came over me early.
17:06I'm really not that kind of person.
17:08I just think it was all the pressure of Valentine's Day,
17:13and I was so upset and irrational.
17:16But the bottom line is that I made a mistake
17:21and grabbed the wrong bag!
17:23Oh, my God!
17:32I don't see that.
17:45Oh, my God!
17:46Oh!
17:47Oh!
17:48Oh!
17:49Oh!
17:50Oh!
17:50Oh!
17:51Oh!
17:52Oh!
17:52Oh, my God.
18:22Look at him.
18:30Yeah.
18:31They still may want the same deal I had with him.
18:35What are you talking about?
18:36Look, Therese is as good as dead.
18:38At least on the inside.
18:40That was you in charge.
18:42You get half my candy, full control of the remote,
18:45and since I can't do your homework for you,
18:48I'll get a nice warm towel whenever you come out of the shower.
18:50Will you shut up? He's going to be fine.
18:53Whatever you say.
18:54Sir.
18:56Come on.
18:59Hey.
19:00I'm sorry I was here first.
19:03No, you weren't. We're next.
19:04I'll only take a minute.
19:06I've only got two things to try on.
19:09Lady, we've been waiting in line for a half hour.
19:12We have to meet our mom.
19:13I'm sorry, but we're next.
19:15Back off, brat!
19:17This may be your first sale, but it isn't mine.
19:19Let him go!
19:21It's our turn!
19:22Looks like you need someone to teach you to mind your elders.
19:27Wait.
19:28You looking for a dance partner?
19:31You think you can do whatever you want, don't you?
19:34That people aren't going to say or do anything because you're...
19:37frail.
19:40Deals off.
19:41All right, Rhys is back!
19:43You want to take your teeth out before we start this, Grandma?
19:47Oh, no.
19:48Rhys is back!
19:52Hi.
19:53I'm Karen Tracy.
19:55I was speaking to one of your boys earlier.
19:57Oh, my God.
19:58I'll kill him!
19:59What about...
19:59See, these kind of outbursts are exactly the sort of thing we can help you with.
20:03I'm with the Department of Child Services.
20:06What?
20:06What are you talking about?
20:08Look, we're not making any judgments yet, but the Department takes the safety of children
20:12very seriously.
20:13I'd like you to come in for an evaluation.
20:16What's the last known address of the boy's father?
20:19Wait a minute.
20:20This is a mistake.
20:21My boys are fine.
20:23It wasn't me.
20:24Somebody planted those teeth on me.
20:26These are your kids.
20:27I was just trying to buy a slip, and they all jumped on me like jackals.
20:32She's lying.
20:33We were just trying to pull Rhys off of her.
20:35Oh, Lois!
20:36Thank God I found you.
20:37Look, we got to get out of here before...
20:40Run!
20:50Come on, seriously.
20:51Get the lead out.
20:57You must be so happy.
21:03You wouldn't believe some of the families I have to deal with.
21:08Oh, girls, hurry up.
21:10It's our turn at the register.
21:12I can't decide between the peach, the melon, or the salmon.
21:15I just have to get all three.
21:17No, honey.
21:18Now you're going to have to make a choice.
21:20Gee, Mom, if you're going to force me to wear knockoffs,
21:22can I at least just get what I want?
21:24Here you go, sweetie.
21:26Here's the makeup you wanted.
21:27Aw, thank you so much, Daddy.
21:29Hal, what are you doing?
21:30We said she couldn't have that.
21:32Well, she asked me again and told me that you said it would be okay after all,
21:37and then, you know, she started getting all teary-eyed, and...
21:42I...
21:42I...
21:43I...
21:44I...
21:45I...
21:46Mallory, how could you do that?
21:49Don't worry, Mom.
21:50I won't wear it around the house.
21:52I know how desperate you are to be the prettiest.
21:54Mallory, I think we're all getting a little bit frazzled.
22:04Why don't we talk about this when we're modeling our clothes for each other at home?
22:08Yeah, that's really good, Mom, because by that time, the buzz from her diet pills will have worn off.
22:14Diet pills?
22:15I have a slow metabolism, okay?
22:18An idle burn of calories having sex with a different boy every night down by the creek.
22:23I thought you were at band practice every night.
22:25There is no band.
22:27Shut up, Fatsy Patsy.
22:28You don't know anything.
22:30I know you're pregnant.
22:31She is lying.
22:33That is ridiculous.
22:35I am not pregnant because I know that sex is wrong and immoral and fun.
22:39No, wait.
22:40It's more...
22:40It's all right, Renee.
22:42It's good that they know.
22:44I'm ready for teenage marriage.
22:47It'll be awesome.
22:49He's the father?
22:50You only slept with him because you knew that I liked him.
22:53Maybe you should have asked to use my hairbrush first.
22:56Girls, please, can you just...
23:07Girls, don't do this.
23:09You're supposed to be easy.
23:11No, Mom, you're easy.
23:13We can't fool you about anything.
23:15We're girls.
23:15We know how you think.
23:17And we're not above using it.
23:20Mom, Dad, hi.
23:22Francis, what are you doing here?
23:27You're supposed to be away at college.
23:29I dropped out.
23:30But don't worry, I'm working at the new Hooters out by the lumberyard.
23:35With tips, I can pay rent on the trailer and still keep my husband in beer.
23:38Hey, gotta go.
23:40Truck fight starts in half an hour.
23:42You still got a load of cages in the bank.
23:44You know, you could talk to my daughter a little bit.
23:46Leave him alone.
23:48You never liked any of my husbands.
23:50You've always tried to come between us, and that's why I hate you.
23:54Ever since you lost all that weight, nothing is ever good enough for you.
23:58That is so true.
23:59This is the whole world.
24:00I can't stand it.
24:01This is right.
24:05Girls don't do these things.
24:08Girls are nicer.
24:10Girls are better.
24:12Oh, come off it.
24:13Who do you think made us this way?
24:15It's all your fault.
24:16You're so right.
24:17You're a dick, man.
24:18This is all your fault.
24:20I just came to the ground.
24:21You're a dick.
24:22I'm a dick.
24:23I'm a dick.
24:24I'm a dick.
24:24I'm a dick.
24:27Honey, come on.
24:28You can do it.
24:29It's just another 300 yards after Senor Jelly Beans.
24:32Trust me, Al.
24:33There's no escape.
24:35There's no escape no matter what.
24:37Happy Valentine's Day, honey.
24:47It finally came to me last night.
24:49The perfect gift.
24:50And I know you'll love it because it's not for you.
24:58Thank you, Hal.
24:59It's perfect.
25:00Come on, Dad.
25:02Let's go.
25:03Nope.
25:03I can knock him.
25:04Wait.
25:05We almost forgot the thing.
25:11Happy Valentine's Day.
25:12Yeah, happy Valentine's Day.
25:13We saved you the coconut ones because we know they're your favorite.
25:17Thank you, boys.
25:18I love it.
25:20See you in a bit.
25:21I hope you're a girl.
25:51I hope you're a girl.