Murphy Brown Season 7 Episode 6 Humboldt IV Judgment Day
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00:00I know I'm gonna use every trick in the book, I'll try my best to get you a goat.
00:08Hey baby, I'm yours.
00:11And every night, every day, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you, look out boy, cause I'm gonna get you.
00:23I'm gonna get you.
00:25There is it.
00:27Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration on the category of shameless self-promotion, the winner is Frank Fontana for the seventh day in a row.
00:39Great shot, Frank. And the airbrushed chest hair is a really nice time.
00:44Another ad. Oh, Frank, this is really getting pathetic.
00:48I told you I paid for those ads weeks ago, it was too late to cancel them.
00:52Oh, jeez, now that I'm not nominated, I just look ridiculous.
00:55Sure, now that you're not nominated.
00:58Hey, taking back this pizza is the best piece of my career. It's not my fault my name wasn't on the ballot.
01:03Oh, right. Somebody else screwed up and sent your entry form to the electric company and a check for $10.11 to the Humboldt Committee.
01:11Get it up, Frank.
01:12I am sorry, but I took a bullet for that story. And shouldn't this kind of stuff be Miles' job anyway?
01:17Oh, not this again. Frank, do you have any idea the number of things I am responsible for on a daily basis?
01:26FYI, sails along like a duck on the water. But who's the little pair of webbed feet below that has to keep it all afloat?
01:32You're right.
01:32You're right.
01:33Damn right. So lay off. I'm paddling as hard as I can.
01:36You know, Frank, just because we have these big fancy jobs doesn't mean we can't fill out an entry form ourselves and get it to the right place.
01:44Murphy and I did it. We both got nominated.
01:46Yeah, but you know, even if I had sent my entry form to the electric company, I bet I still would have been nominated because I am just that good.
01:53Morning, all.
01:57Hey, Jim. You were at the Humboldt meeting last night. Was there any discussion about me?
02:01Why, yes. A rather lengthy one as to whether your current media blitz would cheapen the reputation of the Humboldts forever.
02:08Half thought it would, while the other half claimed you've replaced Family Circus as their favorite morning chapel.
02:15Jim, I mean, did anyone say anything about my request for a write-in nomination?
02:20Oh, that. No.
02:21Maybe there's still time to cancel those Frank Fontana muffin baskets.
02:28While we're on the subject of the Humboldts, I'm pleased to announce that last night yours truly was elected chairman of the Judging Committee.
02:35Can't do it. Sorry, Jim.
02:37Come now. You think finding people to judge is easy?
02:40But Ted Koppel actually ran into a ladies' room to avoid me.
02:45But I didn't let that stop me.
02:47I charged right in there.
02:49And there's Jim and Cookie Roberts, too.
02:53Well, don't you worry about me, Jim.
02:55I do it every year.
02:57It's a great way to spend a Sunday.
02:59You get to meet all your peers, do the best this medium has to offer, and you get a nifty little t-shirt.
03:04Not to mention our complimentary deli spread.
03:07So, Miles?
03:08Gee, Jim. Jim, I'd love to help you out, but I got...
03:12You know, Jeff Sucker signed up to judge.
03:15Yes.
03:15Producer of the Today Show and an evening magazine.
03:18Yet, he found the time.
03:19Of course, he is a 28-year-old wonder kid.
03:2129.
03:22He had a birthday September 12th.
03:25Put me down. Put me down.
03:27What a weenie.
03:27Oh, no, Jim. You don't want me, really. I'm no good at judging things.
03:40When I get up in the middle of the night with Avery and we watch Star Search, I never pick the spokesmodel that wins.
03:45You know, Murphy, let me remind you of a little story.
03:50It's a story about a young, blonde female journalist and a man who stopped her from doing a potentially embarrassing solo limbo at a certain inaugural ball.
04:00Oh, no, Jim. Not that story. You know I hate that story.
04:03The year was 1980.
04:05The mood was gay.
04:06The night was young.
04:08And then someone requested the Tallyman song.
04:12Don't do this, too.
04:13Come, Mr. Tallyman, Tally, me the man.
04:17All right. All right.
04:19I'll judge your stupid little humbles.
04:21But this is fair warning.
04:23Those T-shirts better be 100% cotton before I'm walking.
04:34Hey, Murphy.
04:36You know, somebody really ought to knock that corral down a peg.
04:39He was about to park that 30-foot Winnebago of his in the fire lane.
04:42I mean, where am I supposed to park?
04:45Guess what?
04:46They've got me in informational programming.
04:49In what lane category did 29-year-old wonderkin Jeff Zucker get stuck in?
04:55Best research.
04:56You should have seen his face.
04:57He looked at least 33.
04:59That's great, Miles.
05:00But you should have requested title sequences like I did.
05:03The whole thing ought to take about 10 minutes tops.
05:06ABC Evening News.
05:08Da-da-da-da.
05:10That's one.
05:1260 minutes.
05:15That's two.
05:17That's me on my way to the Cap Center Motown Festival while you guys are still here judging.
05:23Fuck.
05:25Hey, Murphy.
05:26Murphy.
05:27What are you doing here, Frank?
05:28You're not judging.
05:29The guy who did Taking Back the Streets does not take no for an answer.
05:33I'm not giving up, Murphy.
05:34Can I have your signature right here?
05:37Frank, this is a petition to redo the nominations in the category of Outstanding Achievement and Reporting.
05:43That's my category.
05:44Why would I sign this?
05:45Because with me not nominated, even if you win, you'll never know if you're the real winner.
05:50I can live with that.
05:55The awards are just so important to you, aren't they?
05:58Not a pretty sight of you, Murphy.
05:59Wait a minute.
06:00Wait a minute.
06:01Hi.
06:01Murphy Brown.
06:02Title sequences.
06:03You might want to give me my T-shirt now so it doesn't slow me down on my way out.
06:07Let's see.
06:09Murphy Brown.
06:11Ah, here you are.
06:13But not in title sequences.
06:15You've been reassigned.
06:17What?
06:17You're judging special classification for outstanding documentary program achievement.
06:24Long form.
06:26What?
06:27Oh, no.
06:28I didn't sign up for any doc.
06:30Murphy, we're judging together.
06:31Get on over here.
06:32We've got hours ahead of us.
06:33This is going to be so much fun.
06:37Murphy, isn't this a hoot, us judging together?
06:41Now, save you a seat right on the end next to me.
06:43Oh, great.
06:44That way, when the teacher's not looking, we can pass each other notes.
06:47And mine will say, I've been screwed.
06:49I'm not supposed to be here, Gorky.
06:51I'm supposed to be in title sequences, but those lousy fascists thump me.
06:55Boy, you miss one tiny decade of membership dues, and they treat you like dirt.
07:01Oh, you wouldn't have liked title sequences anyway.
07:04That one's over so fast, you don't get to do any real judging.
07:07You see, there's tickets Cap Center Motown Festival, which is where I am supposed to
07:12be in three hours in seat 2D with Peter next to me.
07:15If I'm not, I'm going to be very unhappy.
07:18And I am rarely unhappy alone.
07:21Oh, Murphy.
07:23Don't you think watching Humboldt-nominated documentaries is a little more important than
07:27listening to a bunch of old has-beens shalang-alang-alanging?
07:32Well, Beck, I'm in research.
07:34I, uh, Andy Mayborn, camera for 2020.
07:37Well, I guess I need no introduction.
07:39Fred Skolnitz, television pioneer.
07:49How the hell would all of it be?
07:52Well, I'm Courtney Sherwood.
07:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:56Let's just get this whole thing over with.
07:58What have we got here?
07:58Quilting in America.
08:00All right, we'll just pop this baby in here, and we'll be on the road before the four tops
08:05do their sound check.
08:07Murphy, what are you doing?
08:08We haven't even gone over the rules yet.
08:09Okay, let's see.
08:11We don't need to see the credits.
08:13This part is all just set up.
08:15A history of the Quakers.
08:16They're raising a barn.
08:17I think we also witnessed.
08:19I'm telling the proctor.
08:21Oh, sit down.
08:22We don't need a proctor.
08:24What seems to be the problem?
08:25Oh, Jim's our proctor, my good friend Jim.
08:27I'm just zooming through the credits.
08:29You don't mind if we zoom, right?
08:30I'm sorry, but rule 102 of the Humboldt bylaws clearly states that all program material must
08:34be viewed, and that includes credits.
08:36Told you.
08:37But that'll take forever, and see, I was supposed to be in title sequences.
08:41Murphy, you are a Humboldt winner.
08:43Having received this honor, you of all people should understand the importance of this sacred
08:47process.
08:47Well, I have backstage passes.
08:50Dale!
08:50Dale!
08:51Dale!
08:51Dale!
08:54All right, Jim.
08:55Geez, I thought you were my friend.
08:57I'll tell you the same thing I told that jaywalking Billy McClure when I was a crossing guard in
09:02the sixth grade.
09:03When I wear this badge, I have no friends.
09:08Well, now that we've established I was right, let's start again.
09:12From the beginning.
09:17A Stitch in Time.
09:20Quilting in America.
09:23A six-part series.
09:27Though she is blind, Grandma Agnes identifies the various fabrics by touch and smell.
09:36See, Murphy, isn't this a lot more interesting than you thought, Murphy?
09:40Murphy?
09:41Ow!
09:42I was just getting some air.
09:44Then perhaps you can explain why, when you saw me, you started sprinting for the parking
09:47lot like a blonde jackrabbit.
09:50Sorry, Slugger, but according to Rule 321B, the door will now be locked.
09:54There's an intercom here.
09:56In case of emergency, you may buzz.
09:58Oh!
10:01Deliberate movements of her needle.
10:04In.
10:05Out.
10:06In.
10:08In.
10:09Yes, Murphy.
10:10And this time, it better be a real emergency.
10:12It is, Jim.
10:13It really is.
10:15Um, I have to go to the bathroom.
10:18That's what in the room.
10:20I have a stomachache.
10:22Murphy!
10:23Dammit, Jim, you get me out of here.
10:25Don't go away again, Jim.
10:27Please.
10:30Great.
10:30Peter's listening to the pips while I sit here and rot.
10:34The honey's lunch.
10:35I am starving.
10:37You know, I may not know my humble rules, but I am pretty sure they cannot just lock you
10:40up and not feed you.
10:41I've got my rights.
10:43You know, you should have had a big breakfast since you knew you were going to be here all
10:46day.
10:47I wasn't going to be here all day.
10:48I was supposed to be entitled.
10:50Murphy, we can't take a break until the tape's over.
10:54Those are the rules.
10:58Come here!
10:59Come here!
10:59Come here!
11:00Come here!
11:01Come here!
11:01Come here!
11:01Come here!
11:01Come here!
11:02Come here!
11:02Come here!
11:02Come here!
11:03Come here!
11:03Come here!
11:04Excuse me.
11:04Pardon me.
11:05Hungry person coming through.
11:08Oh, God!
11:09There's something left but garnish.
11:10I can't survive on garnish.
11:13Hey, hey, you meat guy.
11:15Give me that bone.
11:16Maybe I can suck some gristle off it.
11:19Hi, Miles.
11:21Oh, you don't look well.
11:23Can I have that candle, Brian?
11:25The informational programs I've been judging, they're all medical.
11:31Did you know your eyes could be surgically popped out of your brain?
11:33Popped out of your head and put back in?
11:35I know that.
11:38Because I saw it.
11:39Twice.
11:40And there was Dr. Art Yuleen's look at liposuction.
11:45All that sucking and sucking.
11:47Globs of lumpy fat just sitting there in a jar.
11:52Come on, can you pass the mayonnaise?
11:55Hi, I'm Frank Fontana.
12:00Have you seen my piece taken back the streets?
12:03Oh, well, in that case, if you're against them building a nuclear dump site in your backyard,
12:09could you just sign...
12:10Part four, thread.
12:16After so much hard work, the quilt is near the completion.
12:21Oh, my God.
12:23But on the 137th day, tragedy.
12:27A mistake is found.
12:29The women must unravel each and every stitch one time and begin the entire painstaking process yet again.
12:40Oh, no.
12:42I have been more than patient, but we could have made a quilt in the time we've been watching this.
12:47What do you say we watch another nominee and then get back to quilting?
12:50Then we won't be able to get enough quilting.
12:53We'll be dying for quilting.
12:54You know, the same issue came up in 1990 when I judged Outstanding Reporting.
13:00We weren't sure if we should look at all of Peter Jennings' Gulf War piece.
13:05I was nominated in 90.
13:07I lost to Jennings that year.
13:09Some of the panel liked your piece, but I had to vote against it.
13:13It was very violent, and I think there's too much violence on television.
13:18It was about violence on television.
13:21Still.
13:22You want to see violence?
13:24Because I can show you violence.
13:30We remove the part of the brain that controls the impulse to swallow.
13:39Mr. Fontana, you are on a fool's errand.
13:43We are not making an exception.
13:46This is not an exception.
13:48This is more of an act of God.
13:52Oh, an act of God.
13:55Well, perhaps we can fix this.
13:58Your category is being judged over there.
14:01Why don't we slip your tape in along with the others?
14:04Or maybe we could just knock out one of the nominees to make room for you.
14:09No.
14:10How about we just give you a Humboldt right now?
14:14Well, the engraving may take a while.
14:17Do you have a few minutes?
14:19Okay.
14:19You're kidding about that last one, right?
14:23To recap, we've seen Quilting, A Stitch in Time, Antarctica, The Longest Winter, and Ken Burns Railroads, The Longest Ride.
14:32Now, should we go ahead and watch The Tribe of Man or take a few minutes and compare notes?
14:37We could do that.
14:39Or I could box your ears in Volumes 2 and 5 of Quilting.
14:42Put on a damn tape.
14:44Or we could put it in a tape.
14:46To know that we are not alone, that we are part of something greater, that though our lives are but a brief and shining moment in the continuum, we were here.
15:02Wow, that was incredible.
15:05Educational yet moving, and I have got to tell you, it is not easy to move me at 2 in the morning.
15:11I think we got a winner.
15:13Lots of ass, Murphy.
15:14Everybody has to write down their vote on the designated 3x5 card with the number 2 pencil, then we read them aloud.
15:20Those are the rules.
15:21I'm the tribe of man.
15:26There.
15:27Well, nice voting with you.
15:29Don't bother saving me a place for next year.
15:31Well, this is an exciting moment.
15:34We're about to decide who will go home with a Humboldt and who will go home drunk in a cab with a centerpiece on their head as they have.
15:42Tribe of man.
15:43Quilting, quilting, quilting, quilting, quilting.
15:48What?
15:50You all voted for quilting?
15:52Tribe of man kicked quilting's butt.
15:54There's your winner.
15:56There's no winner until we all agree.
15:58Says who?
15:59Humboldt rules.
16:01Everyone has to reach a unanimous decision.
16:03Fine.
16:04You all think quilting's better?
16:06I disagree.
16:07There's only one thing to do.
16:09Those pencils have erasers.
16:10Change your votes.
16:15I'm sorry.
16:16But I thought quilting was more touching than the other one.
16:20It was about history and triumph.
16:23What triumph?
16:24When that old crone finally threaded the needle successfully?
16:26Oh, yeah.
16:28My heart's still pounding from that moment.
16:31Come on, sweetie.
16:33It's four to one.
16:34Why don't you just change your vote and we can all get the hell out of here?
16:38Getting out of here?
16:40Is that what this is all about?
16:41Oh.
16:42You know, I don't think you are taking this very seriously.
16:47Oh, give me a point.
16:49Okay, fine.
16:50I happen to like tribe of man, but that's just me.
16:54I can't force my opinion on you.
16:57I can't twist your arm.
17:01I can't browbeat you into thinking my way.
17:06Tribe, tribe, tribe, tribe.
17:09Quilting.
17:12All right, who's the dirty little quilt lover I thought we've been through this?
17:16Well, I have to vote my conscience.
17:19And my conscience says quilting.
17:21And I have a feeling yours do, too.
17:24Don't change your votes just because she wants you to.
17:27You should vote for what you think is best and not succumb to intimidation.
17:32Are you with me?
17:35Tribe, tribe, tribe, tribe.
17:40Quilting.
17:40Oh.
17:42It's morning already.
17:45Quilting.
17:46This has gone on long enough.
17:49Friends dozing off.
17:50Andy's contacts have sucked the moisture out of his eyes.
17:53And Gail really needs to brush her teeth.
17:56Everyone else is in agreement.
17:58Yeah.
17:59They're all in agreement because you bullied them into it, Maggie.
18:01I did not bully them.
18:02I just gently shoved them in the direction they should have gone in the first place.
18:08We can go back and forth on this.
18:10But we both know you'll end up agreeing with me in the end.
18:13Why not just do it now so these nice people can go home?
18:16You're right, Murphy.
18:19I do usually let you have your way.
18:22But you know what?
18:23Not this time.
18:24I'm not giving in to you.
18:26Oh, my God!
18:27I've done it for six years.
18:30Murphy just shoves her weight around and everybody's just supposed to give in.
18:33Well, I've got news for you.
18:35Corky sure looks a little stubborn, too.
18:37And we're not going anywhere.
18:39Corky's just using this particular forum to make some sort of misguided stand.
18:59Is that true, Corky?
19:02You see, she's doing it to you, too.
19:07She always has to have her own way.
19:10Is that true, Murphy?
19:11That's what it's like working with her.
19:14Murphy likes the thermostat set at 64 degrees, so the rest of us just have to bring sweaters.
19:19And when she goes to get water at the water cooler, does she ever get any for anyone else?
19:23No.
19:23Look, I don't see what water has to do with us getting...
19:25How has it got anything to do with it?
19:26Well, I'll be sitting at the table.
19:28She goes to get herself some water.
19:29But does she ever say, Corky, I'm getting water.
19:31Would you like some?
19:32Jeez, Corky, you've got a mouth.
19:34If you want water, speak up.
19:35I don't want water, Murphy.
19:37I want to be asked.
19:38Well, at least I don't announce in that chipper little voice that I'm getting water and then
19:42ask everyone if they want some.
19:44Jen, do you want water?
19:46Fully, are you thirsty?
19:48Miles, do you want water?
19:49I mean, how annoying is that?
19:51That is a little annoying.
19:55I've got a flash for you, Corky.
19:56Nobody wants your water.
19:58Just like nobody wants those homemade lemon bars that come with those cute little tins we
20:02all have to return to you.
20:04Where's my tin?
20:05Did you bring back my tin?
20:07You didn't forget my tin there.
20:08I want my tin back.
20:10Well, if you're so obsessed with your stupid tins, why do you put the cookie fare in the
20:14first place?
20:15Jesus, priest, what is going on in here?
20:17Oh, you're so hard.
20:17I hate to be a squealer, but Corky has been holding up this committee.
20:21She's been stubborn.
20:22Oh, yeah.
20:22Well, Murphy wasn't disgusting.
20:24She was bullying.
20:25And she grabbed a remote control.
20:27Only because she was hogging it.
20:28Jim, I feel it would be in the best interest of the Humboldts if Corky were disqualified.
20:32You're right.
20:35Corky, I'm afraid I'm going to have to remove you from the panel.
20:38What?
20:39And you too, Murphy.
20:40What?
20:41Wait a minute.
20:42Corky's bad, so I get in trouble?
20:44Yes.
20:45Under the seldom invoked Jane Pauley Deborah Norville rule, when members display childish
20:52behavior and impede the judging process, the proctor is authorized to remove them.
20:57Oh, Murphy.
20:58I thought it would be fun to judge with you, but this wasn't fun at all.
21:02Whenever I cook at all...
21:04Whenever I cook at all...
21:09If you're not going to believe me, that Humboldt...
21:22Oh, tell it to someone who cares.
21:25In the past 24 hours, I've had a grand total of three and a half minutes sleep, and that
21:30was in the elevator.
21:32Dear Lord, this is decaf.
21:37Whoever brewed this impotent swill, and you know who you are, rest assured, you will...
21:43something!
21:45Something!
22:02Hands off, Corky.
22:03I saw it first.
22:04I'm every bit as hungry as you are, Murphy.
22:06I'm every bit as hungry as you are, Murphy.
22:07Let go.
22:08You let go.
22:13Look at us.
22:15This is ridiculous.
22:16All right.
22:19It is a little ridiculous.
22:27That's exactly what I was talking to you about last night.
22:29Did you see that, Frank?
22:30She'll do whatever it takes to get her way.
22:31Did you see that?
22:32Did you see that?
22:33What does it matter?
22:34What does it matter?
22:35What does any of it matter?
22:36I did the best piece of my life, and I'm not going to get any breaking issues.
22:40You did great work.
22:42You know that.
22:43Everybody here knows that.
22:44That's what really counts.
22:46You know what I think?
22:47I think we all take these awards a little too seriously.
22:53That's true.
22:55If you saw what goes on in those rooms, the way these awards are chosen,
23:01the way some people shove their opinions down other people's throats...
23:09And the way some people use that room as a place to air their personal grievances
23:14and petty little concerns.
23:16Really petty?
23:17Murphy.
23:23You guys are still talking about me, right?
23:30Um, yeah.
23:32I guess what we're trying to say is that now that we've seen the other side,
23:35we realize for the first time how truly insignificant the humbles really are.
23:41Yep.
23:42It's just a big ol' pointy hunky glass.
23:46I guess you're right.
23:48Thanks.
23:49I tell you, that does make me feel a little better.
23:53Guys!
23:54Guys!
23:55Guess what?
23:56Yesterday, at the Humboldts, when I was resting my head against the stall door,
23:59I overheard some of the judges from the best reporting category talking.
24:02Now, they didn't say who, but apparently the winner is someone from FYI.
24:06Yeah!
24:07Okay, thank you.
24:08Yes!
24:09Are you tired of doing stuff?
24:11Big deal.
24:16Yes!
24:27Are you tired of doing stuff?
24:30Yes!
24:31Then watch Easy TV Summer.
24:33It's four effortless hours of your favorite show,
24:35followed by four equally effortless hours of your other favorite show.
24:38Wouldn't it make it sound easy?
24:40Easy TV Summer.
24:41It starts this Tuesday at 10, only on Nick at Night.