Murphy Brown Season 7 Episode 13 The Best And Not-So-Brightest
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00:00So, Murphy, what are your New Year's resolutions?
00:03Oh, I don't know. Lay off the donuts and be nicer to people, I guess.
00:07Hey, that's good, Murph. That should be your New Year's resolution.
00:10I just said that. What are you, a moron?
00:13Wait, I knew it already. Give me the donuts.
00:18Listen up, everyone. I urge you all to find a comfortable place to hide.
00:23Stuart Best is on his way up.
00:24What way?
00:25I don't know why he's back or what he wants.
00:27Suffice it to say, I had to use Leslie Stahl as a human shield
00:30to get up here without him seeing me.
00:32This is what I get for pretending to be friends with people I feel sorry for.
00:36Great. Now I've got him and Morley Safer to deal with.
00:40And then you're not here to see us.
00:42Yeah, it's a big building.
00:44Let's hide in Jim's office.
00:47Hello?
00:49Stuart! Stuart!
00:53Oh, it's so great to see you guys again.
00:56Miles and Corky, Jim, Frank, and Murph!
01:01No words!
01:03So, uh, what brings you to town?
01:06And for how long?
01:08Oh, I'll move back to Washington, bud.
01:11I'm living here full-time now.
01:13Hey, great!
01:16What happens, Stuart get elected to the Senate?
01:18No, no, I'm a congressman.
01:22You're not joking, are you?
01:29No.
01:31Stuart, when you say Congress,
01:33you wouldn't be referring to the one in this country, would you?
01:37And in the House of Representatives,
01:39you're looking at the new congressman
01:42from the 7th District of the great state of Arizona.
01:45And if I'm lying, I'm buying.
01:52Hello.
01:53How did someone like you get to be a congressman?
01:56And please don't mistake the incredulous tone in my voice
01:59for anything other than idle curiosity.
02:01I know, Murph.
02:04In the 18 years since you guys got me fired from FYI,
02:08my life has been on a seemingly endless downward spiral.
02:12Not only in America,
02:15but a man who's been drummed out of every job he's ever had
02:19become an elected official.
02:20There was a lot of voter discontent out there,
02:29and I guess I just rode the Republican wave into office.
02:35You're a Republican?
02:37Well, I never used to be.
02:39In fact, I hadn't voted in 15 years.
02:42I mean, that's how they track you down for jury duty, you know?
02:45Well, you said you won your seat in Arizona.
02:48You aren't by any chance the political unknown
02:51who ousted landmark legislator Robert Sakiniwa, are you?
02:55He was a career politician, Jim,
02:58and the people were sick of those.
03:01Whereas I had what they were looking for.
03:03No record, no experience,
03:06and no hard-to-pronounce last name.
03:11So what was your platform?
03:13Not that you couldn't have won on your Kennedy-esque charm alone.
03:16People wanted simple, easy answers.
03:20Answers I was ready to give, like...
03:23Alls I know is it's time for a change.
03:28And alls I know is we've had enough tax and spend.
03:33And alls that got you elected?
03:36Why a landslide?
03:37Hey, enough gab.
03:41I came here to invite you guys
03:42to my inaugural bash on Friday.
03:45What do you say?
03:46Congressman Bass, phone call.
03:48Oh, guess I better take that.
03:50Unless it's the president.
03:52In which case, you can tell him
03:53I'll crawl back when I'm good and ready.
03:56That's what Newt did.
03:58Ha-ha!
03:59It's not the president, is it?
04:01My alibi is A3's got a rash.
04:06Bridge game.
04:06Family.
04:07Scuba lesson.
04:08Scuba lesson?
04:09Oh, I'm sorry, it's no rash.
04:12I don't believe all of you are trying to get out of this party.
04:15You should be jumping on this opportunity.
04:16No, you are.
04:17You want me to lose it?
04:18Think about it.
04:19There's a whole new regime in power now,
04:21and we all have to start making new contacts.
04:23Let's face it, the only thing someone like Tom Foley
04:25can do for you these days
04:26is reserve you a seat at the St. Patrick's Day parade.
04:28Not even, I tried.
04:29He answers the phone with a phony Jamaican accent
04:32and says you've got the wrong number.
04:34Well, I was my secretary.
04:36Apparently, I hadn't signed my contract with America yet,
04:39and they won't give me the key to my office till I do.
04:43Mr. All of us would be thrilled to go to your party.
04:47Splendid!
04:48Well, I'm off to, uh, make a difference.
04:51And who knows, uh, they'd even lay the groundwork
04:55for a quail best campaign in 96.
05:03Oh, yeah, this is my idea of fun.
05:10Me surrounded by a room full of Republicans drunk with power.
05:14All that's missing are some dancing flames
05:16and a guy with a pitchfork.
05:17I don't know, it kind of reminds me of my first mixer.
05:21We guzzled beer, tried to kiss anything in a dress,
05:24and threw off in the parking lot.
05:26A little sense of discussion about school prayer,
05:28and that's pretty much the picture here.
05:30You know, maybe we won't feel as threatened
05:32if you just imagine them all in our underwear.
05:36Oh, God, that's worse.
05:37I just saw Strom Thurmond talking to Jesse Hell.
05:40Don't be so childish.
05:44Republicans or Democrats, they're all just people.
05:47You know, Jim's got a point.
05:48I mean, just because you're a Republican
05:50doesn't mean you can't be a bait.
05:52Hey, how many Democrats does it take
05:55to screw on a lifeboat?
05:56I give up. How many?
05:57Hope just one.
05:58This town's gonna be dark for a long, long time.
06:00Oh, jeez.
06:04Crush Limbaugh drew Clinton's face on his belly,
06:07and he's making it talk.
06:08Haven't we been here...
06:10Hey, guys, I just heard the most interesting tidbit.
06:15According to Newt Gingrich,
06:17half the Clinton cabinet was stoned out of their minds
06:21during the State of the Union address.
06:23Don't be jaded, Corky,
06:24but I've learned to discount anything
06:26beginning with the phrase,
06:27according to Newt Gingrich.
06:30Wait a second.
06:31You're saying if a mother can't take care
06:34of her children without welfare,
06:36then the government should take away the children?
06:39Right, and place them in a loving orphanage.
06:44Oh, as long as it's a loving orphanage.
06:47Oh, I'm sorry I didn't invite you earlier,
06:49but I was in conference with Sonny Bono.
06:52Not only does the man have a unique perspective
06:55on the issues, but he slept with Cher,
06:58and he's willing to talk about it.
07:00In detail.
07:03That's terrific, Stuart,
07:04but I think I'm going to be shoving off,
07:06so thanks for having us.
07:07You can't go before my toast.
07:09All right, everybody.
07:12Attention.
07:13Toast time.
07:15I'm Congressman Best from Arizona,
07:18and I want to thank you all for making this
07:20such a wonderful night.
07:22I also want to thank some folks
07:24you wouldn't expect to see here.
07:26My old friends from FYI,
07:30especially Murphy Brown!
07:32Come on, people.
07:37Come on.
07:38Even a Republican like me
07:40was once a member of the liberal media elite like them.
07:44You were?
07:46Well, but then I sobered up.
07:48Yeah, yeah, and so did Murphy.
07:55But you wouldn't know it
07:56from all those crazy liberal media elite stories,
08:00What the hell is he doing?
08:04Oh, I think someone here
08:07doesn't like that phrase,
08:09liberal media elite.
08:10I wonder who it could be.
08:12Perhaps it's my old friend,
08:14Murphy Brown!
08:15All right, you insufferable homunculus.
08:20That's enough.
08:21Blah, blah, blah.
08:23You know, with all that hot air,
08:25maybe you should be president, Murphy.
08:27Too bad Hillary already has the turn.
08:32Maybe we should leave.
08:34Real mature.
08:35A first lady who has something more to see on an issue
08:37than just say no, and suddenly...
08:39Oh, really?
08:40Okay, time to go, Murphy.
08:41Let's go.
08:42Oh, oh, sorry, sorry.
08:43I didn't realize I was at the 1995
08:45IDIOTS convention.
08:47You, too.
08:48Oh, shut up.
08:49You shut up.
08:50Okay, now, right here, Murphy.
08:57You know, I've been to some horrible parties in my life,
09:00including one where I woke up with a Doberman
09:02licking bean dip out of my hair,
09:04but tonight was the worst.
09:06That weasel set us up.
09:07Oh, come now.
09:09Surely you're not saying Stuart invited us
09:11to that party tonight only to humiliate us?
09:13No.
09:13I'm saying Stuart had himself planted on FYI 18 years ago
09:18knowing we would fire him and feel guilty about it.
09:22That way, when one day he was elected to Congress,
09:25he would use that guilt to get us to this party tonight
09:27where, ultimately, we would feel humiliated.
09:32I'm with Murph.
09:33I know it's a little far-fetched,
09:34but so is Watergate.
09:37Mark my words, Stuart Best is going down,
09:39and I'm taking him there.
09:41Do you think it's possible to buy some of that
09:43flesh-eating bacteria,
09:45or do you just hold the milk in here?
09:49Well, I understand you folks had a fun time
09:52meeting the new powers that be.
09:55How do you know about that already?
09:56I've been surfing the Internet.
10:02Has the change in power affected things here at all?
10:04I don't know.
10:06There's a whole new set of vibes in this town.
10:09Well, just last night,
10:10Newt Gingrich and his boys strutted in here,
10:13picked out the smallest Democrat in the place,
10:15and played keep-away with his tasseled loafers
10:18until the poor bastard cried.
10:22But what can you expect from a guy
10:24who's named after a lizard?
10:30Now, that's an idea.
10:32But how do you get it to fight the right person?
10:35Every answer just leads to more questions.
10:39You know what I don't understand?
10:41Liberal, to me,
10:43always meant making sure
10:45people weren't discriminated against,
10:47the environment wasn't polluted,
10:49the poor were cared for.
10:51I mean, how did liberal become a four-letter word?
10:54Oh, come on, Frank.
10:55You use conservative as a swear word.
10:58Well, yeah,
10:59but that hasn't really caught on
11:01the way I thought it would.
11:03I've got to admit, Frank,
11:05liberals haven't exactly cornered the market on virtue.
11:09Conservatives just believe that more government
11:11isn't always the answer to problems,
11:13and apparently a lot of people agree with them.
11:15That's why they voted Republican.
11:17The poll showed that most people didn't agree with them.
11:19They just wanted to throw out the old bunch of rats
11:21and bring in a new bunch of rats.
11:23Huh.
11:25Rats.
11:26It all sounds like sour grapes to me.
11:29The Democrats have been in charge for 40 years,
11:32and you can't stand the fact
11:33that now it's the Republicans' turn.
11:35Well, maybe the Republicans will be in power for 40 years,
11:38and then the Democrats can have it back.
11:40Sure, you'll all be dead then,
11:41but Miles and I will be allowed to see it.
11:46If this is going to mean living under Republican control
11:49for the next 40 years,
11:50I'd rather be dead.
11:51Well, they couldn't do any worse than the Democrats.
11:54Who's been in the White House for the last 12 years?
11:56Oh.
11:56The Republicans.
11:57Yeah, no, no.
11:58That is so uneducated.
11:59The Democrats control the Congress.
12:00What about the people of the Republicans?
12:02Stop it.
12:03You know, stop it.
12:04Stop it.
12:04All of you.
12:08Tired of all this finger-pointing.
12:11Democrats are responsible for this.
12:12Republicans are responsible for that.
12:14That's what's wrong with this country today.
12:16I tell you, we should set aside our petty differences
12:20and work toward a solution to the problems that affect us all.
12:25Jim is right.
12:27And I say that solution should be taking down Stuart Best.
12:30You might think that a concrete vault 20 feet below the surface
12:35is a little extreme,
12:36but if we're all willing to dig together,
12:39would you start from on and on with your crazy revenge fantasies?
12:43You're right.
12:44These are crazy revenge fantasies.
12:47What I should be focusing on are plausible revenge.
12:51Like having Stuart on the show
12:54and nailing his hide to the wall,
12:56that is much better.
12:58Just because Republicans call us liberals
13:00doesn't mean we lose our objectivity.
13:03We are here to inform,
13:04not push some political agenda.
13:06This isn't a political agenda.
13:08It's a personal one.
13:09The Republicans have been begging me for weeks
13:11to profile some new members of a House.
13:13Fine, one of them's going to be Stuart Best.
13:15And by the time I finish showing the public
13:17just who it is they voted for,
13:19he's going to be begging for that concrete vault.
13:22All right.
13:23Two Bob Dole's, a Jesse Helms,
13:26and an Orrin Hatch and a Pita.
13:29Oh, get off my back.
13:31I'm a businessman here.
13:32I've got to go with it to her.
13:38Hey there.
13:39Bert?
13:41George?
13:42Boy, you know,
13:44I was a little bit surprised to be invited
13:46to appear on the show tonight.
13:47I mean, at the party,
13:49I got the sense you might be a little miffed.
13:51Uh-huh.
13:55I was wondering if I'd like to be able
13:57to ask a teensy little favor.
13:59And that is?
14:02Help me!
14:03Help me!
14:04Help me!
14:05Help me!
14:06Help me!
14:07What are you doing?
14:09I can't go on the show tonight.
14:11I can't.
14:11Don't make me.
14:13Well, well, well.
14:14Not so full of yourself
14:15when you're not surrendered by your cronies,
14:17are you, congressman?
14:19Please, you don't understand.
14:21When I was elected,
14:22I didn't realize
14:23I might be a little bit beholden
14:24to certain...
14:26certain interest groups
14:28who aided my bid.
14:30I thought they just gave me money
14:31because they liked me,
14:32but tonight,
14:33they gave me a position paper,
14:35and they made it clear
14:36they're expecting a pretty big return
14:38on their investment.
14:39So, give it to them.
14:4130 seconds, people.
14:43I can't.
14:44These positions are a little extreme.
14:46If I go on TV
14:48and say the things
14:49my backers want me to say,
14:50I won't be able to live with myself.
14:52But if I don't say them,
14:54they'll kill me.
14:55They won't kill you.
14:56They will kill me.
14:58Some of these people
14:59have overthrown governments
15:01in Central America.
15:02They've shot people
15:03in soccer stadiums.
15:04You've got to help me.
15:06Lord, have you been drinking?
15:09Yes, I've been drinking.
15:11I'm drinking for the next two years.
15:16Five, and five, four, three, two.
15:23Good evening, and welcome to FYI.
15:26For your information tonight,
15:28Frank Fontana explores
15:30Bob influence in Russia,
15:32and Corky Sherwin examines
15:33the dangers of germs in the gym.
15:35First, Murphy Brown
15:39introduces us to three new members
15:42of the historic 104th Congress.
15:44Murphy?
15:45Thank you, Jim.
15:46With me are Democrat Mary Courtney,
15:49Republican Jeff Binney,
15:50and former FYI anchor,
15:53Republican Stuart Best.
15:54Welcome.
15:55All this has been made
16:01over political gridlock,
16:03and I thought tonight
16:04with our one Democrat
16:05and two Republicans,
16:07we might see where Congress
16:08would land on various issues.
16:10One of the biggest ones
16:12is immigration.
16:13Any thoughts?
16:14Immigrants have always
16:15contributed to this country,
16:17and have always made
16:18easy scapegoats.
16:19Yes, something must be done
16:20about the illegal ones,
16:22but cutting off education
16:23and health care
16:24is short-sighted.
16:25Our limited resources
16:27should be going to Americans
16:28and not to people
16:30who aren't legally here.
16:32And I'm betting
16:33my colleague Stuart
16:34agrees with me.
16:35Yes, I do.
16:40Surely you must have
16:41more of an opinion
16:42than that, Congressman.
16:44Oh, I don't want
16:46to monopolize the discussion.
16:48Please, we have plenty of time.
16:50Feel free to elaborate.
16:52Yes, well,
16:57or I stop
16:57at illegal immigrants.
16:59Let's get rid
17:00of the legal ones, too.
17:02If they found a way here,
17:04they can find a way back.
17:07Unless the person
17:08is seven-eighth Caucasian,
17:10they should take
17:11an IQ test
17:12to determine
17:12if they should stay
17:13in this great country of ours.
17:15Are you actually proposing
17:18that we expel
17:19ethnic minorities?
17:21I guess I am.
17:24Are all ethnic minorities?
17:27Apparently so.
17:30Let's move on.
17:32Teen pregnancy,
17:33Congresswoman Courtney.
17:34We must improve
17:35sex education
17:36or we'll have more kids
17:37having kids.
17:38sex ed
17:40is just providing
17:41a how-to manual.
17:43The only safe sex
17:44is no sex.
17:45Congressman Best.
17:50I think we obviously
17:51need to bring back
17:52the family.
17:53But the problem is
17:55unwed mothers.
17:56Now,
17:57why are they unwed?
17:58Because there aren't
17:59enough men
18:00to go around.
18:00that's why
18:04bullying to me
18:07should be not only
18:09decriminalized,
18:12but enforced.
18:19Well, that's
18:20quite a radical solution.
18:23Anything more to it?
18:25I'm afraid there is.
18:29Any bride,
18:30who refuses
18:31her new husband,
18:32would,
18:33unless 7-8th's
18:35Caucasian,
18:36be returned
18:39to the country
18:40of her ancestors.
18:42Are advocating
18:43forced marriages
18:45and the deportation
18:46of American citizens?
18:48I believe I've said
18:49all I need to say
18:50on this subject.
18:53Yes, sir.
18:54Yes, you have.
18:56Welfare,
18:57another hot topic.
18:59Congresswoman Courtney.
19:00Welfare,
19:01as we know it,
19:02may not be working,
19:03but we need
19:03some program in place
19:04to help those
19:05the economy can't.
19:07The welfare society
19:08is the great legacy
19:10of the Democrats.
19:12Unless we limit
19:13how long people
19:14receive assistance,
19:15what's the incentive
19:16to work?
19:18Okay,
19:19next topic.
19:19I don't believe
19:21we've heard
19:22from Congressman Best.
19:25Oh, right.
19:27Congressman Best?
19:29Slavery is an ugly word,
19:40but welfare is an uglier one.
19:47Where welfare has been
19:48a drain on the economy,
19:49historically,
19:50slavery has always been
19:51a boon.
19:52I'm not proposing
19:54that we enslave
19:55any one race.
19:56That would be wrong.
19:57But let's put the unemployed
19:59to work for us.
20:02Our founding fathers
20:03had slaves.
20:05Shouldn't we?
20:08Slavery?
20:09Slavery?
20:10Yes.
20:12But anyone who'd
20:14rather not work
20:15would,
20:17if less than
20:18seven-eighths
20:19Caucasians,
20:20be sent back
20:21to the country
20:22of their ancestors.
20:24Do you find slavery
20:25a better alternative
20:26to welfare?
20:28Yes, I do.
20:31Are you nuts?
20:33Yes.
20:33Yes.
20:37I'd like to point out
20:38that I've never met
20:39Congressman Best
20:40before tonight.
20:41I must state
20:42that his positions
20:42don't remotely resemble
20:44mine or those
20:45of the Republican Party.
20:47On to the very dry,
20:49less inflammatory topic
20:50of trade,
20:51Congressman McCord.
20:52I support
20:53the new GATT agreement.
20:54I do, too.
20:55Well, what do you know?
20:56A consensus between parties
20:58and, uh,
20:59Congressman Best,
20:59I believe you told me
21:00earlier that you support GATT
21:02so we can move on to...
21:02No!
21:04We're in a trade war!
21:06We must act accordingly.
21:08I say it's time to get...
21:10Please.
21:12I just can't.
21:13I...
21:14It's time to...
21:16I just...
21:18I couldn't read this, please.
21:23Do you want to re-intern
21:26the Japanese?
21:28No!
21:29Good God, man!
21:31Do you actually believe
21:31any of what you're saying?
21:34No!
21:35Not a word!
21:36But the people
21:37who gave me money do!
21:38What choice do I have?
21:41I was running a campaign
21:42out of my living room.
21:44I didn't have time
21:45to figure out
21:46where every $600,000 check
21:48was coming from!
21:50You didn't know
21:51who was contributing
21:52to your campaign?
21:53I do now!
21:55An ultra-secret oil cartel
21:58underground arms merchants,
22:00the National Rifle Coalition...
22:02I mean the National Rifle Association.
22:04No!
22:05They're a militant offshoot of that!
22:08Patriotic Brotherhood!
22:10Aren't they connected
22:11to the Aryan
22:12Nationwide Supremacist Group?
22:13Not anymore!
22:14They're a militant offshoot of that!
22:16You took money
22:19from these people?
22:20Brotherhood!
22:21What could sound nicer?
22:24Believe me,
22:25I had no idea.
22:26All I wanted
22:27was a full-time job
22:29with a pension
22:29and a health care plan.
22:31I haven't had my teeth
22:33cleaned since 1974!
22:37I don't know
22:38whether to hate you
22:39or pity you.
22:41Pity me.
22:41Hey, guys!
22:51It's George.
22:52George!
22:53You're terrible!
22:55Well, I didn't get
22:56a lot of sleep last night.
22:58Up all night
22:59worried about
22:59your performance, huh?
23:01No, up all night
23:03running from an angry mob.
23:05They tried to
23:06tire and feather me.
23:08I would have assumed
23:09the know-how
23:10for that practice
23:10died out
23:11years ago,
23:12but I've got
23:13the scattered blisters
23:14that say otherwise.
23:17I'm sorry
23:17things turned out
23:18the way they did, Stuart,
23:19but politics
23:20can be a brutal sport.
23:22Not for me.
23:23Not anymore.
23:24The 7th District
23:25of Arizona
23:25started recall proceedings
23:27last night.
23:28You're kidding.
23:29That fast?
23:30Yep.
23:31Seems more people
23:31called for my resignation
23:33in the two minutes
23:33following the show
23:34than voted
23:35in the election.
23:38Well,
23:39if nothing else
23:40can be said
23:41for my state
23:41and Congress
23:42at least
23:43unified the people
23:44through their
23:44intense and utter
23:46hatred of me.
23:48I've got to say
23:49it does sort of restore
23:50a little of my faith
23:51in democracy.
23:52Yeah, mine too.
23:54But don't worry
23:55about me.
23:56I've decided
23:57to do what every
23:58disgraced politician
23:59has done
24:00since time immemorial.
24:02Slink into
24:03self-opposed exile
24:04and write my memoirs.
24:07My agent says
24:08that I can't
24:09miss steel.
24:10Don't worry.
24:10Don't worry.
24:11Don't worry.
24:11Don't worry.
24:12Don't worry.
24:12Don't worry.
24:13Don't worry.
24:13Don't worry.
24:14Don't worry.
24:14Don't worry.
24:15Don't worry.
24:15Don't worry.
24:15Don't worry.
24:16Don't worry.
24:16Don't worry.
24:17Don't worry.
24:17Don't worry.
24:17Don't worry.
24:18Don't worry.
24:18Don't worry.
24:19Don't worry.
24:19Don't worry.
24:19Don't worry.
24:20Don't worry.
24:20Don't worry.
24:21Don't worry.
24:21Don't worry.
24:22Don't worry.
24:22Don't worry.
24:23Don't worry.
24:23Don't worry.
24:24Don't worry.
24:25Don't worry.
24:25Don't worry.
24:26Don't worry.
24:27Don't worry.
24:28Don't worry.
24:40You