Murphy Brown Season 7 Episode 21 The Good Nephew
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00:00I'm feeling better, cause I'm over you. I've learned my lesson about the scar, and now I see how you really are. You're no good, you're no good, you're no good, baby, you're no good.
00:21Greetings, FYI! Mr. Lansing! So good of you to visit, sir! Oh, and who might this be? It's your son, isn't it? Those blazing deep-set eyes, that fine equiline nose, he's the spitting image of you, sir.
00:44He's not my son, Silverbird. Of course not, sir, he should be so lucky. I want you all to meet my nephew. Stand up straight. Andrew J. Lansing III. Say hello to all the nice people, Andrew. Hello.
01:02Well, enough chit-chat. Andrew, I want you to do me a favor. Why don't you go to the men's room and fetch me some tissues? One or two plies, sir. Any ply, just go.
01:14So, uh, met my nephew. He's really something, isn't he? Oh, sir, he is quite a young man. He's an idiot, Fontana. A bad seed, a plugged nickel. But I promised my dear departed sister that I would look after her when she was gone.
01:32Oh, Andrew's mother's dead? What dead? She departed. She left home. She ran away. He drove her crazy. But I couldn't abandon him.
01:43I mean, you take one look at his odd-shaped head. I thought it was his haircut, but it's his head.
01:53I mean, your heart melts when you look at him.
01:56I know what you mean, sir. It's like a pea or a small almond.
01:59In any case, I have attempted, over the years, to find a place for Andrew in every one of our departments.
02:12But let's just say his blood refuses to bloom.
02:16So I was wondering, possibly, that you could help my almond head, his nephew, with some type of job here at FYI.
02:28Gee, um, Mr. Lansing, we would love to take Andrew on, but gosh darn it, we just don't have any openings at the moment.
02:38You wouldn't happen to know who rigged my phone so that it gave me a shock when I picked it up, would you?
02:53My phone, uh, a shock? I, uh...
02:57Okay, it was me.
03:03I'm sorry. I just love practical jokes.
03:14You know what? I love them, too.
03:17How about we pull off a practical joke together?
03:21Why don't you collect your hints, get in the elevator, go down to personnel, and tell the mutant...
03:29That's a good one.
03:36Wish me luck.
03:46Stan, hi.
03:48Murphy, am I to understand that you're in need of a new secretary, because I happen to know a perfect candidate for the job.
03:55Well, Stan, it's good to know the network is finally taking an interest in my happiness.
03:59So who is this crackerjack you got lined up for me?
04:02Meet your new secretary, Murphy.
04:05My nephew, stands like a person.
04:09Andrew J. Lansing III, say hello to the nice lady, Andrew.
04:13Hello.
04:14Hello.
04:16What are you doing with stupid tissues?
04:19You're a secretary.
04:20Thank you, Murphy. You've been a big help.
04:23Um, Stan?
04:24Is this really such a good idea?
04:27I mean, I've been known to be kind of hard on secretaries, and you never know how good he's done.
04:31But trust me, this is a perfect match.
04:35He's fantastic. He's great.
04:37He's, uh, the...
04:38Were you the one who loves to fly kites?
04:41When I was eight, sir.
04:43He loves kites.
04:44You love kites.
04:45Kites in common.
04:46You'll get home great.
04:48Thank you again, Murphy.
04:49Andrew, Andrew, if you screw this one up, you're dead in my eyes.
04:54Yes, Uncle Stan.
04:56Uh, if I may, Miss Brown, I will make you a solemn vow.
05:00In fact, I will swear to you on my mother's grave.
05:03Andrew, your mother's not dead.
05:06Yes, she is. Uncle Stan told me.
05:10Anyway, you have my assurance I will be better than any secretary you have ever had.
05:17Andrew, you might want to aim a little higher.
05:20Okay, here's your first assignment.
05:26File this for me.
05:27Nothing would give me greater pleasure, Miss Brown.
05:34Oh, God.
05:36You know who that so-called nephew is, don't you?
05:39He's a spy, and he's gonna report everything we say and do back to Mr. Lamson.
05:43Oh, Miles, really? A spy?
05:46Yeah, even if he is, why should we worry? We've got nothing to hide.
05:49Hey, Frank, thanks for the tip about the phone in the Xerox room.
05:52Boy, I totally see how you can rack up $20,000 worth of long-distance calls.
05:58The pre-head has to go.
06:01I don't know, when exactly did FYI become the network's employment agency?
06:05First, it was Dan Rather's bumbling aunt, Sissy,
06:08and Connie Chung's oafish nephew, Wilbur...
06:11Oh, yes, and you could forget Andy Rooney's son, Chip.
06:15Someone that young could have that much to complain about as beyond.
06:19Oh, you guys, relax.
06:22By the time I finish with him, he's gonna be begging his uncle to fire him.
06:26Mission accomplished, Miss Brown.
06:28What may I do for you next?
06:30Okay, Andrew, here's what I mean.
06:32I want you to watch all 18 years of FYI and write down the number of times I use the word the.
06:40Then, I'd like you to go to the Library of Congress and write down any references to the names Jones, Smith, or Johnson,
06:48indicating date of birth, place of birth, and any biographical information.
06:53Consider it on this, Brownie.
06:58Ooh, ooh, ooh, you're bad.
07:00Oh, really, Murph?
07:01Why don't you just have him hide out in your garbage can and let him have a crack at your raccoon problem?
07:05Look, Frank.
07:08Oh, Andrew.
07:12For if I can...
07:14Murphy, look.
07:17Wow.
07:18This is the first time I've had to wake somebody up to fire them.
07:21Oh, wait.
07:22Oh, good morning, Miss Brown.
07:24I can explain.
07:26Oh, Andrew, I'm sorry, but sleeping on the job, unless done by me, is simply unforgivable.
07:32I'm afraid I'm going to have to fire you.
07:35I understand, Miss Brown.
07:37Well, here are the first three boxes of the material you requested from the Library of Congress.
07:42You'll find the rest in your office.
07:44What?
07:45Oh, and I reviewed all the FYI tapes, and you've used the word the 42,356 times.
07:51And as far as your raccoon problem, I don't think they'll be bothering you anymore.
07:59I'm not going to sugarcoat this.
08:02I am very disappointed.
08:04But I'll overlook your transgression, Major, though it wasn't.
08:07It was Major.
08:09But in your situation, I'll be all over your sorry butt.
08:13As well you should be, Miss Brown.
08:14As well you should be.
08:15Oh, I almost forgot.
08:16I called the computer department last night and told them you would be unable to attend their class.
08:21That was you?
08:23How'd you get me out of it?
08:24It wasn't very difficult, given your recent bout with carpal tunnel syndrome.
08:30Not bad, Andrew.
08:31Not bad at all.
08:32Merely doing my job, Miss Brown.
08:36Oh, Bobby, could you call your contact at the Russian embassy and see when I can talk to him?
08:41Okay, I'll get to it.
08:43Excuse me.
08:44You'll get to it?
08:45Hey, the lady asked you to make a call.
08:47Move.
08:48Move.
08:49Move!
08:51It's okay, Andrew.
08:52He doesn't have to do it this second.
08:54Yes, Miss Brown.
08:55Not that it would have been so horrible if he had.
09:01That didn't go so badly, you wouldn't even know you'd fired him.
09:03I didn't fire him.
09:05What?
09:05I didn't fire him.
09:07In fact, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think Andrew might even be the one.
09:17I think Andrew is the one?
09:19Uh-huh.
09:19Have you taken leave of your faculties?
09:21God, love your ribs are better than that.
09:23Much better.
09:24You don't know him like I do.
09:26He's good to me.
09:27He makes me happy.
09:31I'm beginning to think you don't want to see me happy.
09:34Here we are, Miss Brown.
09:35I got these especially for you, fresh out of the oven.
09:40Thank you, Andrew.
09:44Those do look pretty good.
09:53Is your name Miss Brown?
09:57Okay, people.
09:59Let's get to work.
10:01Stan Lansing, our beloved network president, doesn't line our pockets with gold so we can
10:07stand around kibitzing.
10:09Now, where are we on stories for next week?
10:14Great.
10:15Well, I'm researching a piece on fungus and frozen yogurt.
10:19Is it a tasty treat or just a cone full of death?
10:23Well, let's say, uh...
10:24Well, what do I know?
10:25But I hear America shrugging.
10:27Shrug, shrug, shrug.
10:31Jim?
10:32My commentary next week will be entitled,
10:34From Punch Cards to Pentium Chip.
10:36How the Amazing Computer is Here to Stay.
10:39How is that, Jim?
10:40Superb.
10:41Riveting.
10:41I know I'll watch.
10:44Franco!
10:45What have you got?
10:48Well, uh...
10:49I just got a tip about this shady congressional sting operation that's about to go down.
10:54Apparently, these mining companies have been making payoffs to some of the...
10:58What?
10:58What?
10:58Oh, that's my story.
11:02You stole my shady sting story.
11:05Give it back, you thief.
11:06Shut up.
11:07Shutting off this ground.
11:12Miles, I've been working on that story for weeks.
11:14Tell Frank he can't do it.
11:15Tell him it's mine.
11:16It is not yours.
11:17I've been working on it for weeks, too.
11:18And if you're so far ahead, why haven't you done the story yet?
11:20I have been...
11:21Okay, hold it, hold it.
11:22Sounds to me like you both have a legitimate claim here, so I want you to settle this between
11:27yourselves.
11:28Good idea.
11:29Frank, I'm doing the story.
11:31There it's settled.
11:32And rather fairly, I'd say.
11:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
11:35I mean, you're both a couple of stories ahead.
11:37Why don't you both go after it and see who gets the story first?
11:40No way!
11:41Good!
11:41Then it's settled.
11:43Jesus Christ.
11:45Weeks of work go down.
11:47I'm like, this Frank is too selfish, too egotistical, too bullheaded to just roll over and give
11:52me everything I want.
11:54Why didn't he just roll over?
11:57You know, Andrew, someone should teach Frank that sometimes it's in his own best interest
12:01to just back off.
12:03You're right, Miss Brown.
12:04Someone should teach Frank exactly that.
12:15Hey, I don't mean to rattle you, Miles, but we're five minutes to air and nobody can find
12:19Frank.
12:20McGovern, McGovern, McGovern.
12:22It would take a little bit more for the exec producer of two primetime network news shows
12:28to get, how did you put it?
12:30Rattled?
12:31Tell me, check out Frank's dressing room.
12:32Sometimes he hides in there behind his clothes.
12:34They already did.
12:35He's not there.
12:36Well, then check the lobby.
12:37There's a big mirror down there.
12:38He likes to look at himself in.
12:40Yeah, he's not there either.
12:41Is this kind of a blessing for him to scam a free hat?
12:44Men's room?
12:45Nope.
12:46The snack bar?
12:47Uh-uh.
12:48Oh, God.
12:49Five minutes to air and we see it by Frank.
12:50Hey, Miles, good news.
12:52Thank God, you found Frank.
12:53Found Frank?
12:54No.
12:55Buried him?
12:56Oh, yes, indeed he knew.
12:57I cracked the story for next week.
12:59Isn't that great?
13:00Great.
13:00I smell a Humboldt.
13:02It's all lined up, thanks in no small part, to Andrew here.
13:06Oh, I had nothing to do with it, Miss Brown.
13:08It was all you.
13:09You, you, you.
13:11All right, two minutes to air, people.
13:13I'm sure I speak for everyone when I tell you how happy I am for you,
13:16but we are undergoing a major crisis here.
13:18We can't find Frank.
13:19Uh-huh.
13:19Andrew, do that funny little dance you do for me.
13:21Get a load of this.
13:22What the hell have you been?
13:30I'm on my way to track me down my final source of my sting operation when all four of my tires
13:35go out at once.
13:36All four.
13:37Can you believe that?
13:38Damn, I am this close to breaking that story.
13:41Well, I'm just glad you're okay.
13:43Yes, thank you.
13:43I'm not hurt.
13:44All right, one minute to air.
13:45Okay, people, we got a show to do.
13:47Okay.
13:48What?
13:50Uh, nothing.
13:51I mean, if that's your story, stick to it.
13:53But you didn't have to come up with such an elaborate excuse.
13:56I mean, there's no shame in losing a story to me.
13:59Many have.
14:00Many more will.
14:01What are you talking about?
14:03I'm telling the truth.
14:04Okay.
14:05Blow out.
14:06All four tires.
14:12Pity about the car, Frank.
14:14Pity.
14:18You know what I think?
14:21I think Andrew sabotaged my car so that Murphy could beat me out of that story.
14:26Oh, come now, Frank.
14:28Why didn't you just accept defeat and get on with your life?
14:30Yeah, Frank.
14:31Do you really expect us to believe that that wormy guy actually broke into your garage,
14:37filled with your tires, just so Murty could win some stupid story?
14:40All right, let's settle, people.
14:42Well, if you put it that way, it probably is a little far-fetched.
14:45I guess I'm just being a little paranoid.
14:48And we are live in five, four, three, two.
14:54Good evening, and welcome to FYI.
14:57For your information tonight, Frank Fontana reports on the spreading threats of international
15:04terrorism.
15:08Gee, that's too bad.
15:10I'll get out my violin.
15:11Ben, look, if it's not here by 12, you wish you were never born.
15:17Yoo-hoo, where do you think you're going, hon?
15:20I'm afraid Miss Brown is busy.
15:24No, she's not.
15:25She's right there.
15:25Like I said, she's busy.
15:28Now, if you'd like to make an appointment with Miss Brown, maybe I could squeeze you in
15:33around three.
15:35Nope.
15:37Good day.
15:39Come on.
15:39Shoo.
15:52He wouldn't let you near her, would he?
15:53I told you there was something fishy going on here.
15:56Jim, tell her what happened to you.
15:58Yesterday, Murphy remarked how much better my parking space was than hers.
16:04Well, I pulled into the parking garage this morning, and lo and behold, there was Andrew
16:09in my spot, blacking out my name and stenciling Murphy's name over.
16:12So, help me if I'd ever catch him alone.
16:16I swear I...
16:17Oh, dear Lord.
16:19What if that monster can read lips?
16:25I turned down a $736 expense request for Murphy this week.
16:31Well, somehow she ended up getting reimbursed, and the exact amount was deducted for my paycheck.
16:40I'm afraid, Frank.
16:42Hi, guys.
16:47How's it going?
16:47Oh, it's going...
16:49I'm fine, uh, Merck.
16:51Um, actually, I wonder if we could talk to you.
16:55Yeah, I'm loyal.
16:56Oh, well, anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Andrew.
16:59I'm that loyal.
17:02Well, it needs kind of personal.
17:05What's the big deal?
17:07I mean, there's nothing...
17:07If you don't mind, Miss Brown, I have quite a lot of work to do.
17:11Okay, Andrew.
17:12I hope you're happy you've hurt his feelings.
17:16Slugger.
17:20Slugger.
17:21It's about Andrew.
17:23Oh, no.
17:25It's not this again.
17:27Look, Andrew is a good, kind, trustworthy assistant.
17:30What problem could you possibly have with him?
17:33He's listening to my tire.
17:34He scares me.
17:38Okay, I know what this is about.
17:41Frank, you were just trying to get back at me for beating you out on that story.
17:44And the rest of you, you are jealous.
17:47That's right.
17:48You are jealous because I finally have a better secretary than you.
17:51Miss Brown, I hate to disturb this important discussion, but it seems there's a slight problem with your sting story.
17:58How slight?
17:59And Uncle Stan just killed it.
18:01What?
18:01He spiked away his sting story?
18:04Come on, Andrew.
18:05It's time to have a little talk with Uncle Stan.
18:07Oh, about the lip-reading thing?
18:24So I say, if you think I'm going to cut into my weekend to go to a funeral for a broad I barely knew, you're nuts.
18:31Uh, excuse me.
18:32Would you tell Stan that Murphy Brown wants to talk to him?
18:35He's in a meeting.
18:36So then, listen, we'll ask that you've been for flowers, but he can shake me out.
18:41You know what I say?
18:42I say, you're nuts!
18:44The meeting will just have to wait.
18:46Maybe you didn't hear me, blondie.
18:49I said he's in a meeting.
18:51Listen, you little nicotine-stained troll.
18:58Isn't this Andrew J. Lansing III?
19:01The little snitch who got a job in personnel and tried to get me canned?
19:06Oh, you thought you could just cut your hair, shave your beard, and all would be forgotten.
19:13But you just made the ministers get me all right, sonny boy.
19:17Sorry to interrupt, Stan, but I demand to know why you killed my piece.
19:21Look at this.
19:22Kids today.
19:23No manners.
19:24Give me a favor, Giuseppe.
19:25Go outside.
19:26Talk to Mrs. O'Brien.
19:27Tell her those funny botchable stories you have.
19:30You know, remember?
19:30Stan, you fooled you.
19:32Hurt yourself.
19:35All right, Lofi.
19:36Since you asked, it brought to my attention during one of my very bad rough cuts of the
19:44new comedy series, Blarneystone P.I., that you employed some very underhanded methods in
19:53procuring your sources and documents for your stories.
19:57Stan, I assure you, I did nothing underhanded in getting that story.
20:01You mean you didn't promise a Secret Service agent $15,000 to look at classified documents?
20:07No.
20:08And you didn't threaten to expose some postal workers' marital infidelities?
20:13Absolutely not.
20:14Andrew, back me up here.
20:16She's right.
20:16Miss Brown had absolutely nothing to do with any of those things.
20:19Well, then who did?
20:21Well, maybe it was Frank.
20:24I wouldn't do that.
20:26Woodcorky?
20:28Andrew.
20:31All right.
20:33I admit it.
20:33It was me.
20:34I did those things.
20:36I'm sorry, Miss Brown.
20:38You did those things?
20:40I'm afraid I did, Miss Brown.
20:42And Frank's tires?
20:45Miles' paycheck?
20:46Jim's parking space?
20:49Andrew, why?
20:52We had a good thing going.
20:54Please try to understand, Miss Brown.
20:56I really needed this job to work out.
20:59I would have done anything for you.
21:01I would have killed for you.
21:03You didn't, did you?
21:06No.
21:07But when Jeannie and Travel bumped into you in the elevator and didn't even say, excuse me,
21:11I could have.
21:12I don't believe it, Stan.
21:17I assure you, I knew nothing about any of those things.
21:21Okay, okay.
21:21I knew about the Miles' paycheck thing and Jim's parking space.
21:25But other than that, I didn't know anything.
21:27It's not about you, Murphy.
21:29It's about my nephew.
21:32Andrew.
21:33Here's Uncle Stan.
21:34I thought you were just a moron with some questionable genetic heritage.
21:48But today, young man, you're a real Lansing.
21:53Oh, Uncle Stan!
21:55Wait, wait, wait, wait.
21:56Wait, I'm not a touchy-feely kind of uncle, Dan.
22:00But maybe we'll get our mitts and we'll throw the ball around.
22:03You're the one who liked to play catch, weren't you?
22:06When I was 11.
22:07Oh, he loved to play catch with me.
22:09Come on, Andrew.
22:10Let's discuss your new responsibilities.
22:13Mr. O'Brien, will you please show Murphy out?
22:16Whoa, Stan.
22:18Andrew is still my secretary.
22:19Granted, I don't approve of his methods.
22:21But that doesn't mean that, toned down,
22:24he still can't be a very valuable and perfectly legal asset to me.
22:28In fact, from now on, there's going to be nothing but tough love for you, young man.
22:33Come on.
22:34I am going to scare you straight.
22:36Wait, wait, what?
22:37Are you out of your mind?
22:39Here, this boy is not a secretary.
22:41With his skills, I need him by my side.
22:45Maybe he can find a way to boost this network sagging rating.
22:50I know, I know.
22:51We could work on our shows and make them better.
22:54But that takes so much time and money.
22:59Andrew, what I want from you is 10 ways to take down ER.
23:07Maybe he can get to Rosemary Clooney's nephew with the perfect head.
23:12Remember, no paper trail.
23:17Come on, Twinkle Tove.
23:19Oh, no, Stan.
23:20You're not going to take Andrew away from me.
23:22I won't allow it.
23:23He brought me fresh donuts.
23:25No one ever brought me fresh donuts.
23:28Don't worry, Murphy.
23:30I'll get you a secretary from the pool.
23:32Oh, no, not the pool.
23:34Anything but the pool.
23:36Don't get crazy.
23:37I'll give you Mrs. O'Brien as a loner.
23:41I'll take my chances with the pool.
23:53Thanks for coming up, Murphy.
23:55Don't let the doorknob hit you on the way out.
23:58Move, move, move.
24:00Keep down.
24:01And I need it for one more year.
24:03Type it down.
24:06Hold on.
24:08Andrew, did you find a way to help our Thursday night line up?
24:12Everything's taken care of, Uncle Stan.
24:14Hey, what's the deal with these brakes?
24:20And why do they call them brakes?
24:22They don't brake anything.
24:24And why do they call it a glove compartment?
24:30Are you tired of doing stuff?
24:32Yes!
24:33Then watch Easy TV Summer.
24:35It's four effortless hours of your favorite show
24:37followed by four equally effortless hours of your other favorite show.
24:41Why don't you make it sound easy?
24:43Easy TV Summer.
24:44All summer long only.