Murphy Brown Season 5 Episode 14 The British Invasion
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00:00Hi, I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my inner secretary.
00:05I'm Harvey Mandrake, and I want you to know that I'm thrilled to be here and I'm ready to work.
00:09Well, okay. First up, if Fidel Castro returns my call...
00:14If Fidel Castro...
00:16Wait a minute, this isn't a pen.
00:19It's a simple piece of painted wood.
00:22Or could it be...
00:24magic?
00:26Oh, God.
00:30Sorry, I didn't hear you, Miss Brown.
00:32More on the subject of hearing.
00:34Is that a simple blockage of your oral canal?
00:37Or could it be...
00:40magic?
00:43Hey, that's really good.
00:45And now, a young man suddenly disappears from behind his desk.
00:50Is it a simple coffee break?
00:52Or could it be...
00:53You're fired!
00:55Hey, here's your bra.
01:02Hey, guys.
01:03Good morning.
01:04Oh, very nice.
01:06I'd break my neck to get here on time, and Miles isn't even here yet.
01:10Maybe he's dead.
01:12Maybe he cut his throat while shaving this morning and bled to death all over the bathroom floor.
01:18Or maybe an escaped mental patient with an axe broke into his house last night and left him chopped in pieces all over the living room.
01:27Stephen King was on reaches from Kathy Lee this morning.
01:33Oh, well.
01:34Miles.
01:35Audrey.
01:36Oh, hi, Audrey.
01:37I see you brought the late Miles Silverberg.
01:39How nice of you to join us.
01:40I've been here since 8.30 this morning.
01:42Tell him.
01:438.30.
01:44That's strange.
01:45The hood of your car was still warm to the touch five minutes ago.
01:48You touched my hood?
01:50I don't want to, Murphy.
01:51You make me.
01:52What's that really important, Miles, on a day like today?
01:58Doesn't the world seem fresh and new?
02:01Like it's been scrubbed clean with sunlight.
02:04Do you think that could have anything to do with our big news?
02:07Well, you know, Audrey, big news may be a little bit of an overstay.
02:11Oh, my God!
02:13You're getting married!
02:15I'm so happy for you!
02:18And I just want you to know, just because my marriage ended in bitterness and despair doesn't mean the same thing will happen to you.
02:27Nope!
02:28You deserve happiness.
02:30I guess I don't.
02:32I'll hopefully end up living alone in a shack.
02:36Talking to my cat.
02:38Wearing a pie tin for a hat.
02:42Pookie, we're not getting married.
02:45Oh, who cares?
02:47I'm sorry, Pookie.
02:49I can't contain myself any longer.
02:52I've moved in with Miles.
02:54We're living together.
02:55Yes!
03:00I'm on the answering machine now.
03:02Let's do it for them, Pookie.
03:04Oh, Audrey, I didn't really think...
03:06Oh, come on, please.
03:07Just this once for me.
03:08You...
03:10You've reached the residence of Miles.
03:13And Audrey.
03:14We can't take your call.
03:16Because we're busy.
03:18And then we laugh like this.
03:20Oh, she moved in, huh?
03:23She finally got her hooks into you, huh, pal?
03:28I guess that ring is gonna fit very nicely into that nose.
03:32You know it.
03:33I guess that leaves you as the only one here who can't make a commitment, buddy.
03:37I guess I'm ready to do this.
03:42Ready to take the next logical, small step in the relationship.
03:46Where will it lead?
03:47Well, who can tell?
03:48But for now, Audrey's living at my place.
03:51You mean our place?
03:52Our place!
03:53Our place, exactly.
03:54It's our place in the emotional and spiritual sense.
03:57Of course, any court in the land will tell you it's still my place.
03:59Not that I can foresee any situation in which such a ruling would be required.
04:02No, I can't think of one.
04:05Well, I really should be running along.
04:07But we wanted to invite everyone to our housewarming party.
04:11Oh, housewarming.
04:13Just so I know, is that a gift thing?
04:15Yes, Murphy.
04:16You bring something the happy couple can use in their new home.
04:22Wait a minute.
04:23They're already living in Miles' apartment.
04:25So, technically, we'd be warming a place that's already been warmed.
04:28And what if they move?
04:29Is this gift transferable?
04:30Or will we be expected to warm yet another place?
04:34That's all right, Murphy.
04:35You do have to get us anything.
04:37Oh, sure.
04:38I'll show up and be the only one there without a gift.
04:40That's happened to me five or six times already.
04:42No, no.
04:43I'll get you something.
04:45I just wish I had more experience with this whole couple's business.
04:49I have no idea what's appropriate.
04:53You guys need a drill press?
04:55Well, Miles, who are all these new faces? Friends of Audrey's?
05:00Uh-huh.
05:01Most of the people she works with at the gift shop.
05:02I don't know too many of them myself.
05:04Well, you're gonna get to know them now.
05:05Yep.
05:06That's what happens when you live with a woman.
05:08Her friends become your friends whether you like them or not.
05:11No more football games for you on Sunday, Dagwood.
05:15You're gonna be stuck at brunch with people named Dwayne and Cynthia.
05:22I get sex whenever I want it.
05:29Just shut up, okay?
05:34Jim, I couldn't figure out what to get Miles and Audrey for a present,
05:37so I just added my name to the card on your gift.
05:39What'd we get them?
05:40A set of coasters depicting major battles of the Revolutionary War.
05:44What happened? Did we shop at the last minute?
05:49Well, you know us.
05:51By the way, you owe me $23.
05:53For coasters?
05:54Unless Paul Revere hand-dipped those babies himself, you got ripped off, my friend.
06:00An area where Miles' study is now would be perfect as a nursery
06:04should little ones ever come along.
06:07Oh, there you are, Pookie.
06:09I think it's time you said a few words.
06:12Words? What sort of words?
06:13And to whom should I say them?
06:14Why, I guess, silly.
06:16You know about how happy we are and how grateful we are
06:20to our many friends who helped us make our house a home.
06:23Audrey, I don't want to interrupt the flow of the part.
06:25You're such a shy boy.
06:27Everyone, attention, s'il vous plaît.
06:30Okay?
06:31Miles has something he'd like to say.
06:33Go ahead, Pookie.
06:37I, uh, I just want to thank everybody for coming tonight.
06:43Don't know what else to say except, uh, Audrey's here now.
06:47She's welcome to stay as long as she wants.
06:48She's welcome to stay as long as she wants.
06:57My goodness, Miles, what a heart-wrenching and emotional address.
07:00First thing tomorrow, I'm going to embroider it on a pillow.
07:03A pillow?
07:05What did I say?
07:06Miles, you have a magical way of making a woman feel special.
07:10Don't ask me to dissect it.
07:11Can I help you?
07:20Yeah.
07:21Is this Audrey Cohen's place?
07:23Well, actually, any court in the land will tell you
07:25that it's still technically my place.
07:27But now she's here, too. Living. Here.
07:30So, uh, do you work with Audrey at the gift shop?
07:32Audrey!
07:34Hi!
07:42So, what exactly do you do at the gift shop?
07:47Well, they wanted a housewarming.
07:49I'd say the house just got real warm.
07:53Miles, this is Colin.
07:55He's an old friend.
07:57Oh, we was more than friends, love.
08:00We dated briefly.
08:01Ah, we go way back.
08:03Well, we've known each other since I was your size.
08:06Ah, Colin, this is Miles.
08:12Miles?
08:13Hmm.
08:14He don't look more than a few feet to me.
08:19How's everybody doing?
08:21Food, drinks.
08:22Go partake.
08:28Colin, Miles is my boyfriend.
08:30We just moved in together.
08:33Oh.
08:35Hey, look, I'm really sorry.
08:36If I'd have known you two was...
08:39Look, I'm sorry about that kiss, mate.
08:40Nothing meant by it.
08:41Honest.
08:42Look, if it make you feel any better, there was no tongue.
08:44Uh-uh.
08:46Well, at least not on my part, anyway.
08:51Ah.
08:52You see that?
08:53He's got his arm around her.
08:54Makes her feel loved and protected at the same time.
08:57Score one for Miles.
08:58Women like that.
08:59Women hate that.
09:00Makes us feel like property.
09:01It's a move men make when they're desperate.
09:03You know?
09:07Well, maybe this isn't the best time for a visit.
09:09What with the bash going on and all?
09:11Well, perhaps we can get together tomorrow.
09:13Where are you staying?
09:15Oh, what's hoping you'll put me up, love?
09:17I can't expect that now, can I?
09:18No, you know, I wouldn't even ask.
09:20Look, it's late.
09:21I'll just be off to my next stop and spend the night.
09:24Oh, um, is, uh, Las Vegas far from here?
09:28Not really.
09:29Just go out the door of the building and take a left.
09:31Um, of course, you'd be more than welcome to stay here tonight, but all I have is this
09:37old pull-out couch with a bad mattress and lousy springs.
09:40Super.
09:41Super.
09:42Look, I don't want to get in your way.
09:43I'll just wash up and keep right out of sight, okay?
09:45Mm.
09:46Everybody, enjoy the party.
09:50Celebrate good times.
09:51Come on!
09:52Thank you, Miles.
09:53I know what an awkward situation this must be, and I don't blame you for being upset.
09:58Audrey, please.
09:59It's no big deal.
10:00The guy comes to town.
10:01He needs a place to stay.
10:02It's only one night.
10:03He's just an old-time friend.
10:04Thank you for understanding, Miles.
10:05Uh-oh.
10:06She's kissing him on the cheek.
10:07Hang tough, Miles.
10:08Don't smile.
10:09Don't smile.
10:10Don't smile.
10:11Don't smile.
10:12Aw, man.
10:13He smiled.
10:14I don't believe you fell for the old cheek kiss.
10:15Used by women everywhere to disarm the male.
10:16You see, we men know a few of your tricks, too.
10:17What?
10:18Tell me.
10:19What?
10:20Tell me.
10:21What?
10:22What?
10:23Tell me.
10:24What?
10:25Tell me.
10:26What?
10:27What?
10:28What?
10:29What?
10:30What?
10:31What?
10:32What?
10:33What?
10:34What?
10:35What?
10:36What?
10:37What?
10:38What?
10:39What?
10:40What?
10:41Tell me.
10:42Hey!
10:43What do you all think's going on between that tough guy and Audrey?
10:46Please, Corky.
10:47Why can't I have better things to do than to stand around gossiping?
10:51So, as I was saying, Frank, when Alexander the Great installed Ptolemy I as ruler of Egypt,
10:57the entire social structure...
10:59Ten bucks says Pluto's out of here in five minutes.
11:02Ten bucks says he's here for the night.
11:03I'll take that, that sucker.
11:07Oi!
11:08You got any cream rinse?
11:11I got two fives in my purse.
11:13Las Vegas, huh?
11:14What?
11:15You, uh, you said you wanted to go to Las Vegas.
11:16Remember?
11:17Three days ago when you first got here?
11:18Oh, yeah, right.
11:19Yeah.
11:20I'm just waiting on some money from home.
11:21Wouldn't you know, I went through all the cash that I brought in the first two days.
11:23How much did you bring?
11:24How much did you bring?
11:25What, in America money?
11:26$17.
11:28Good morning, Pookie.
11:29Good morning.
11:30Good morning.
11:31Good morning.
11:32I'm afraid I'm running late, so I'll just grab a muffin and be off.
11:33Good morning, Pookie.
11:34Good morning.
11:35Good morning.
11:36Why don't I just walk you to the door, Pookie?
11:37Is anything wrong, Miles?
11:38What could be wrong?
11:39Collins is a delightful house guest.
11:40How much did you bring?
11:41How much did you bring?
11:42How much did you bring?
11:43What, in America money?
11:44$17.
11:45Good morning, Pookie.
11:46Good morning.
11:47Good morning.
11:48I'm afraid I'm running late, so I'll just grab a muffin and be off to work.
12:01Why don't I just walk you to the door, Pookie?
12:04Is anything wrong, Miles?
12:05What could be wrong?
12:06Collins is a delightful house guest.
12:08Well, well.
12:09Killed off another one.
12:12You know, what confuses me, and you're going to have to help me out with this, you were
12:19actually involved with him once.
12:21I'm not sure what it is.
12:22I'm having a hard time picturing that.
12:24Oh, Miles.
12:25I was younger when I met Colin.
12:28The relationship is primarily a sexual one.
12:32Constant brutish sex.
12:34And then I realized there's more to a relationship than the pleasures of the flesh, incredible
12:41though they might be.
12:42No longer am I attracted to muscular lads with more rugged good looks than brains.
12:48I'm over that now.
12:49Well, now that that's settled, I'll just be getting back to Lilliput to help tie Gulliver
12:58down.
12:59I must say, Miles, you've been very understanding about this whole situation.
13:08To invite him to stay one night was really quite generous.
13:11But now it's been three nights and you haven't uttered one word of complaint.
13:15Well, there was that one time I had to ask him to stop lifting me up, but other than that...
13:21It's just that some men might be a little, oh, I don't know, jealous.
13:27But you don't seem to be that way at all.
13:30Hey, guess I'm just not the jealous type.
13:32Oh, well, lucky me.
13:35I guess I should be going.
13:38Have a good day, Colin.
13:39So long, love.
13:43Hold on.
13:52Have a good one.
14:01I always like to set them off happy.
14:04So, Colin, what do you do back in jolly old England?
14:11Well, mostly I'm in the soccer.
14:13Uh-huh.
14:14You know, I never met a soccer player before.
14:16Oh, I don't play.
14:17But you know those fights that break out in the stands?
14:21I start those.
14:25Oh, look, um, Colin, it's been great having you here.
14:29And I certainly don't want to seem inhospitable, but have you given any...
14:32You know, you're a very lucky bloke, mate.
14:35Yeah, you are.
14:36And you might find this hard to believe.
14:39But Audrey's the classiest woman that I've ever bent over the back of a bus seat.
14:46Well, that's an interesting side note.
14:49But, uh, as I was saying, this is a big country.
14:52And if you stay in one place too long...
14:54Oh, I've been super seeing her again, Miles.
14:57But all the old feelings have come back just as strong as they were.
15:01The passion, the jealousy, the pain.
15:07I've always wondered how I'd react to seeing Audrey with another man.
15:11I've thought about that every day since the day that we broke up.
15:15I guess that's what you call an obsession.
15:20A sickness.
15:21Just a thing you like to think about.
15:27I've imagined that man's throat in my hands.
15:30The feel of his last breath passing through my fingers.
15:35His final gurgle.
15:37Yeah.
15:38Yeah.
15:43Well, revenge.
15:45We all think about it, but we don't act on it, do we?
15:47That's what separates us from the animals.
15:49I'm sorry.
15:50What were you saying?
15:51The last breath passing through my fingers.
16:04The final gurgle.
16:06Is this guy colorful or what?
16:13That's exactly what he said?
16:16Yeah.
16:17You're not exaggerating?
16:18No.
16:19You're dead.
16:21Frank, be serious.
16:22Jim, tell Frank this guy's pulling my leg.
16:24He's pulling my leg, isn't he?
16:25It's possible he's pulling your leg.
16:27It's also possible he's planning to pull your leg off.
16:32Stop it.
16:34Honestly, Miles.
16:35You have absolutely nothing to worry about.
16:38Even if he does try to beat you to a pulp.
16:41You're scrappy.
16:42You can defend yourself.
16:45Scrappy?
16:46Oh, yeah.
16:47That'll do the trick against this Colin guy.
16:49Open your eyes, Miles.
16:50He's a thug.
16:51He was shipped into this country in a cage.
16:53You want to see the people he stayed with before you?
16:55Open his luggage.
16:57I'm telling you, when this guy wants kidney pie,
16:59hold your sides and run.
17:01He is so tough.
17:02Thank you, Murphy.
17:05I get your point.
17:07But what you're saying has nothing to do with my world.
17:10See, I function in the rational world,
17:13where people just don't go around beating each other up.
17:15I mean, seriously, how many of us have ever been in a fist pipe?
17:18I meant as adults.
17:27I meant in the last month.
17:33I'll only say one thing.
17:36Clark Clifford is a lot tougher than he looks.
17:40Listen, Miles.
17:41Whether you want to admit it or not, you've got a problem here.
17:44How does Audrey feel about it?
17:46Oh, right.
17:47I'm going to tell Audrey that her house guest wants to make me gurgle.
17:49She'll think I'm jealous, threatened, and insecure.
17:51You are jealous, threatened, and insecure.
17:53No, I'm not.
17:54And even if I were, you don't show someone all that stuff the first week you're living together.
17:59You dole it out gradually over the years.
18:01That's what makes a life together.
18:03Miles, if you don't wake up, you're not going to have a life together.
18:08I'm telling you this guy wants what you have, and sooner or later he's going to try to take it.
18:12When that happens, you're going to need a plan.
18:15I suggest you distract him.
18:17My personal favorite is, hey, look, there's Dick Cavett.
18:20Then you pop him with a strong leg.
18:23I am not going to fight him.
18:26I'm a Harvard graduate, not some little boy out on the playground.
18:30Besides, this whole conversation is pointless.
18:33Colin's just waiting for some money to come from home.
18:35As soon as he gets it, we're going to put him on a bust, give him a rip roast to suck on,
18:39say our goodbyes, and he'll be off to fabulous Las Vegas.
18:42This is not a crisis.
18:44Oh!
18:47Hands were cold, okay?
18:51Last breath passing through my fingers.
18:54The final girl.
18:59He's a colorful guy, isn't he, Phil?
19:05You see this tray here, Miles?
19:08I want you to match in the nice, garnished of fresh greens with vegetables.
19:14Right in the center, your head.
19:18Cut it out, Phil.
19:19He's going to reduce you to a thick paste with glasses.
19:23I'm telling you, Miles, I'm a bartender required by law to tell the truth.
19:27Audrey!
19:32And Colin!
19:33Colin!
19:35Come on over and meet the gang.
19:36Everyone, this is Audrey's old friend, Colin.
19:39Hey, how you doing?
19:40Hello.
19:41Hi, Colin.
19:42We're Miles, pals.
19:43Murphy, Corky, Frank, and Jim.
19:45Frank works out, and Jim's over six feet tall.
19:47Right.
19:48You going to eat the rest of that sandwich?
19:51Uh, no.
19:53Take it.
19:54Great.
19:57The British possess a certain charm.
20:00You tend to think of Noel Coward as the epitome of it, but then you see they all have it.
20:05Well, uh, isn't this an unexpected treat?
20:08Interesting you should use that word, Miles.
20:11Because Colin unexpectedly showed up at the museum this morning with some rather unexpected news,
20:17and I thought you'd like to hear it.
20:19Go ahead, Colin.
20:20Tell Miles your unexpected news.
20:23Well, I've decided that since I'm having such a good time seeing Audrey again,
20:29I thought I'd stay here for a bit.
20:31Huh?
20:33Now, Audrey here was a little concerned that you might object,
20:36I told you, me and Miles are mates.
20:38You won't mind it, too.
20:39Dick Cabot.
20:41Right, Miles?
20:42You don't mind, do you?
20:44Dick Cabot.
20:47See?
20:48I told you.
20:50I want you out!
20:53Miles, what are you saying?
20:55I'm jealous, okay?
20:57Jealous, threatened, insecure, and sick.
20:59But we'll talk about that later.
21:01Colin, you know how passionate you feel about Audrey?
21:04Well, I'm just as passionate in a quiet East Coast, reserved Hebrew way.
21:13I've been afraid to say it, because that would be admitting this relationship meant more to me than I was ready to admit.
21:18But I'm through being afraid.
21:21I want a life with this woman.
21:24And we cannot have that with you here.
21:27It has to be just us in our house.
21:29And, Colin, it is our house.
21:32Not my house.
21:33Our house.
21:35I want that life to begin now.
21:37Oh, Pookie.
21:38Well, I'm not stupid, am I?
21:45I can hear the handwriting on the wall.
21:49If this is what you really want.
21:54I do.
21:55Very much.
21:57Fine.
21:58Have your little life together.
22:00You know, in the old days I would have wiped the floor with you.
22:05I don't know.
22:06Hmm.
22:07I've grown.
22:10Well, I'll tell you one thing.
22:12You're the littlest garbage spit I've ever walked away from.
22:24Hey, buddy.
22:25You want a piece of me?
22:26What?
22:27Look!
22:28There's the cabin!
22:29Who?
22:30Oh!
22:31Princess, die!
22:32Okay.
22:33Break it up.
22:34Okay.
22:35You get the hell out of here before I introduce you to the business and old bureau.
22:39Okay.
22:40Okay.
22:41I'm leaving.
22:43Hey, mate.
22:44You wouldn't happen to be going by the way in Las Vegas on your way home, would you?
22:48Oh, yeah.
22:49You better run.
22:50You shepherd pie-eating fish and chip-loving Yorkshire pudding for brains.
22:59I am bad.
23:06You all right?
23:07I don't know.
23:08Sorry.
23:09What is happening to me?
23:11What kind of animal have I become that I attacked another human being?
23:16I slipped to a new low.
23:19I actually punched someone.
23:21And if he hadn't been wearing that heavy sweater, he might actually have felt it.
23:24Oh, Miles.
23:28I'm so happy.
23:31Because of the punch?
23:32No.
23:33The punch was meaningless and stupid.
23:36But what you said to Colin about our life together, it's what I've been waiting so long to hear.
23:43I do care about you, Audrey.
23:46And I'm not afraid to say it.
23:49I care about you!
23:52Oh.
23:55God, that felt good.
23:57And now, I think you better take me to a doctor.
24:01I can feel my internal organs moving down into my thighs.
24:06Before I put your name on the mailbox, is there anybody else you want me to know about?
24:10Why don't we wait until you're stronger?
24:14You've been through enough today.
24:17Oh, God!
24:18Maya.
24:19Let's go!
24:20nah.
24:24Jennifer!
24:27Malora.
24:29Jose!
24:35knots
24:36on the line
24:40Ienerate
24:42on the line
24:43and