Murphy Brown Season 5 Episode 16 The Intern
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TVTranscript
00:00now what okay people coming through what's going on here well miss brown why don't i answer your
00:08question by asking you another would you like to try a hot apple turnover made from just ordinary
00:14bread and applesauce this patented cupboard skillet sears all the juices in wow that looks
00:25really good can you make it to go i certainly can that's what's so perfect about this skillet
00:34ah more perfect than you know good morning my journalistic comrades before we start our
00:44morning meeting i have a little announcement to make your chronic breadwinner you're wearing
00:48women's panties you wouldn't shut a man just to watch him die okay that was fun yeah now we got
00:56that of our system during the 70s you had a thing for latin coochie coochie girl charl
01:00see i can be fun too as i was saying once again it's that time of year when fyi takes on a student
01:11intern so if any of you know of a deserving college graduate eager for a career in this exciting world
01:18of television news but no further miles i have the perfect person hey i'm famous and i meet a lot
01:24of people it stands to reason i know an overabundance of qualified young applicants qualified indeed like
01:30your choice of last year's intern your gardener's son leo hey leo was not that bad he set a small
01:37fire on the 14th floor he pulled a knife on me in the xerox room i caught him sniffing my shoes
01:44i never said he was perfect and you were right murphy the purpose of the internship is to give
01:51some talented young person exposure to our business it's not to get you a discount on your
01:55monthly gardening bill yeah well fang pretty much took care of that when he picked leo out of that
01:59police line up that was the past this year i have someone with a genuine interest in television
02:05the name of this very worthy young man is rudy thermopoulos thermopoulos isn't that your auto
02:11mechanic's last name oh you know that miles i have someone who'd be perfect for the internship
02:18she's very excited about the business she was president of her college media society
02:24and she graduated with honors in journalism interesting concept giving the internship to
02:31somebody who's actually qualified rather than using it for say one's own selfish game
02:35well it's one way of going
02:38she sent me a very nice letter after she heard me speak at my alma mater eastern louisiana university
02:45she also pledged my sorority was captain of the pep squad and was voted miss inspiration
02:52qualities that have led to success for others in this business
02:56sure it paid off for irving r levine but what are the chances of lightning striking twice
03:01look whoever we pick is going to be in our faces for the next eight weeks do we really want it to
03:07be some perky little pep squatter i guarantee you won't get that annoying perky thing with rudy
03:11ever since he did that tune-up with the garage door closed he's been unusually quiet
03:16looks like we have two clear and distinct choices here so why don't we put it to a vote
03:23all those for murphy's latest nutcase his name is rudy and if the doctors felt he was a danger to
03:29anyone they wouldn't have made him an outpatient now come on
03:32oh my life is so much easier this way
03:41okay that's two for rudy all those from corky's nominee uh what's her name corky
03:49amy amy amy shoemaker amy geez even her name is perky
03:54oh looks like a tie i know why don't we send for both of them and have them find it out whoever's
04:01left standing give it up murphy amy it is can you believe it two girls from the very same sorority
04:08on fyi i'm so excited i'm going to send her a note right now
04:12well won't this be fun now we'll have an even peppier perkier version of corky
04:19bark my words in two weeks a knife-wielding shoe-sniffing arsonist is going to look pretty darn good
04:26and the second week of vapor we followed the peanuts easter special should be a good lead-in
04:35this year snoopy runs into a tree chasing charlie brown's kite starts thinking he's the messiah
04:39hey corky any sign of our new intern not yet i hope she gets here all right i've got a desk set
04:48up for i even got our carnation our sorority flower rudy wouldn't have needed a carnation
04:53he wouldn't have needed anything once he has his thorzy and he's fine
04:57she's here walk on a pathway of carnation to reach our noblest aspirations liar of a heart
05:09will always be true strings of your gold will make music unbilled singing of our our kind
05:19hello miss sherwood amy oh well i just love this i'm so glad you're here how was your flight
05:37how's the weather in baton rouge why don't i introduce you to everyone everyone there's
05:43someone here i'd like you to meet hello i'm amy shoemaker and i'm so excited to be here my head
05:51is just swimming really why don't you sit down hello amy i'm murphy brown hello i'm uh frank
06:00fontana ma'am miles silverberg executive producer are you sure you don't want a chair oh no thank
06:07you i'm fine i'm wearing dr shoal's insoles it's like floating on air
06:12welcome to fyi amy i'm jim dial well of course you are i can remember watching you back in the
06:2360s and even on attendance black and white bilko you always came across as a fine reporter and a
06:30very nice boy thank you so she's finally here amy amy shoemaker amy amy amy amy so amy you just
06:52graduated from college that's right i'm the oldest person to ever graduate elu you don't say
07:00my dad was upset i took an extra semester to get my degree
07:04amy we were very impressed with your qualification very impressed corkey tells me you were captain of
07:13the pep squad oh that's not something i'd like to brag about our football team was oh and ten last
07:21season i don't know what got into them
07:23there's plenty of time to get acquainted later i've got a desk set up for you right over there amy
07:34why don't you just get settled okie dokie
07:37she's old
07:40no kidding what was your first clue the medic alert bracelet or the rattle of doane's pills in her
07:48packet
07:48quiet she'll hear us wait until she's out of your shot she was probably out of your shot when she
07:55was standing here
07:56i don't know about this the intern has to do a lot of work around here plus whatever personal
08:03errands we need done that's a lot of running and somehow i don't think running is her strong suit
08:07tell me about it we sent her down to editing with a tape of clinton's first hundred days we're lucky
08:11if she gets there before he's out of office
08:13what are you saying that she can't do it that i dragged her all the way up here just so she'd have
08:19to suffer the humiliation of being let go before she even starts i don't know corkey
08:25well all i can say is it's a good thing i'm not the type of person to say i told you so
08:30but you all wanted corkey's intern and now you've got her
08:34what's the difference between that and saying i told you so
08:37it's a lot classier
08:38oh my book so she's old that doesn't mean the job is going to kill her
08:43you heard her she survived two world wars the great depression and spring breaking ford lauderdale
08:48are you saying you think she can handle it murphy
08:52all i'm saying is i see an intern i'm going to use her the same way i've always used interns
08:57you're wonderful an 80 year old woman putting a coat of hot carnauba wax on a porsche
09:01no not that i need a file on the bcc ice candle in the storeroom and she's going to get it for me
09:11are you sure about that buff that file's on the top shelf she's going to need the step ladder to get up there
09:16the wobbly step ladder that's missing one of those little rubber foot pads
09:20what if she slips and grabs one of the shelves for support and pulls the whole thing down on top of her
09:25those frail bones will snap like kiddling
09:28if she can't pull her weight she has no business being here
09:32so amy ready for your first assignment on fyi
09:38oh yes miss brown okay i'd like you to
09:42i'd like you to sharpen this pencil for me
09:47and i want it done now
09:49right miss brown
09:50right away
09:52you think i'm letting her off the hook
09:55well i'm not
09:56amy let's see that pencil
09:59you call that a point
10:01do it over
10:02here you go amy
10:14just sit right here and enjoy the show
10:18well isn't there anything related to the broadcast that i can do
10:22i feel like i've been sitting all week
10:25well there's a reason for that amy
10:28you see the ability to sit is crucial for a career in television news
10:35rather brokaw jennings all great sitters
10:39edward r murrow had a backside the size of a honda civic
10:43you think he was born with it
10:45no he worked at it
10:47learn from him
10:48go on
10:49all right five minutes to air people
10:53uh miles
10:54remember last year i told you my kid brother gary wanted to intern
10:59what about it john
11:00well gary was 28 you told me he was too old
11:04well now he's too young see me next year okay
11:06well amy here we are minutes before your very first fyi broadcast
11:16isn't this exciting
11:18i'm all a tingle
11:19well we got big problems
11:23i still haven't been able to get verification of the exact figure of the arms sales
11:26you're kidding
11:27we can't run that story without corroboration
11:29what happened
11:30i'll tell you what happened
11:31i ran out of time
11:32i wasted my entire week doing background research
11:35viewing hours of file footage and fetching my own lunch
11:38all jobs that would normally be done by an intern
11:40but we don't have an intern
11:43we've got quirky sorority sister old mother hubbard
11:45well i'm sorry but i was afraid looking at all that footage would cause amy eye strain
11:51and you're the one who didn't even want her crossing the street to get our lunch
11:55because you were afraid she'd wind up plastered to the grill of the number 10 bus
11:59um i can verify that fact for you miss brown
12:02uh oh well that's okay amy with just two minutes to air i think miles and i'll have better luck getting through
12:07okay you try department of commerce i'll try defense
12:10but i would really like to help
12:13oh well amy you already have
12:16you know that book of stamps you got for me today
12:19excellent choice
12:20going with nature's wildlife over the love stamps
12:23exactly what i would have chosen
12:25hello this is murphy brown
12:27i need to verify the end of the numbers
12:28the director needs to see the revisions i've made on my opening remark
12:31please i'm on the phone here
12:32look i need a simple confirmation and i need
12:34i can run that up to the booth for you mr dial
12:38oh well that would be fine amy
12:40except that i have to go up to see the director myself
12:44his wife recently had surgery and i want to ask him how she's doing
12:47well i had lunch with him yesterday and he told me he was gay
12:52gay as the day is long i i was referring to his wife hank
12:59i call him his wife because i'm so comfortable with the concept of alternative lifestyle
13:07too many stand people good lord
13:11oh mr dialer are you sure you have enough time to do this
13:14of course i frequently run up the three flights to the director's booth moments before the show
13:19i find it invigorating isn't that right
13:21you know i can't get over how many of the little things you all insist on doing for yourselves
13:28they never told us that at college
13:31well it's our way of staying humble
13:34after all none of us wants to get a big head
13:36well i guess i can understand that big head thing
13:40but i'm still a little thrown by that big bottom theory
13:443.2 billion
13:47thanks
13:47i owe you one
13:48miles
13:49i got it
13:50oh thank you
13:51corkey
13:52it's 3.2 billion in case you're interested
13:54out of my way
13:56damn it
13:57jim
14:00are you all right
14:01nothing to concern me as all about corkey
14:03just that my 58 year old heart exploded on the second flight of stairs
14:07says i was attempting to to hurdle betty the script girl
14:10do you remember betty
14:11also known as the refrigerator with bangs
14:14wait a minute
14:15where's frank
14:16has anybody seen frank
14:18he's right here
14:19what's he doing on the phone
14:20and we're 60 seconds to air
14:22i went to a bank machine to make a deposit on the dinner break
14:25and now his car won't start
14:26what
14:27why is frank running to a cash machine moments before the show
14:30that's the sort of job you send an intern
14:32nationally known courier to move
14:34frank your story's up second
14:37grab a cab now and you can get here on time
14:39what's that
14:41calm down
14:43how do you know they're skinheads
14:44maybe they're just servicemen on league
14:46baseball bats
14:48really
14:49frank
14:50forget the cab
14:51just run
14:52yes
14:52i will tell corkey you said that
14:54yes
14:54yes
14:55i will use those exact words
14:56now move
14:57okay professional tv faces
15:00in five
15:02four
15:03three
15:04have a good show everyone
15:06joy
15:13it's great finally having time to sit down to a nice relaxing lunch isn't it
15:17yeah right
15:18come on frank
15:20it's been five days
15:21let it go
15:22the important thing to remember is that you weren't hurt
15:25and the police did recover your car
15:26or at least the frame which is the most important part
15:29it forced corkey to realize that if amy's going to stay on here the whole intern situation is going to have to be handled differently
15:36here's your dry cleaning frank
15:39about time
15:40hey
15:42i forgot to replace the button on my blue shirt
15:46gotta go back
15:47oh come on frank enough is enough
15:50you've got corkey doing your research
15:52you're xeroxing you're dry cleaning
15:55how's she supposed to have time to get my car washed
15:57you look exhausted
16:00i think that covering for amy the way you are is admirable
16:03but please sit down and join us
16:05i'd like to jim
16:06but i still have to call your barber and see if he can fit you in for a trim
16:10oh
16:10well then after that
16:12hi phil
16:15what's in the box
16:17the fellas and i were cleaning out the attic
16:19we ran across some old toys we thought little avery might like
16:24oh phil how sweet of you
16:26oh look at this old tin fire truck
16:30and this popeye wind up toy
16:33you know a lot of this stuff could be collector's items
16:35really
16:36oh yeah
16:38a friend of mine paid 300 bucks for a truck just like this
16:42gee
16:43look at the sharp edges on that thing
16:47i might as well give the kid an old chainsaw
16:51that was my head
16:54i'll just buy a nice soft plastic yo-yo instead
16:58ah
17:00aruba here i come
17:02i just checked in with amy
17:05new york is rushing us a videotape and it has to be picked up at the airport
17:09she wanted to go get it but then i imagined her and all that traffic
17:14all alone in that big van
17:17her cloudy aged eyes straining to see over the steering wheel
17:21i hope you all have a nice lunch
17:25bye
17:26corky
17:27corky
17:30you're not going to the airport
17:33it's time we all admit we're having a hard time asking amy to perform the normal
17:39intern duties and we've got to do something about it
17:41like what miles
17:43i can't tell her the internship is too hard for her it would break her heart
17:47oh god
17:48i wish she'd just quit the job
17:51well i wouldn't count on that
17:52she told me this internship is the biggest thing that's ever happened to her
17:55other than once making out in a sleigh with al jolson
17:59it occurs to me there just might be another solution
18:04say for example we stopped protecting her and let her attempt to do the job
18:09you mean allowing her to do things we know she probably couldn't do
18:12so she realized she's too old for the job get discouraged and quit
18:17all i'm saying is we need someone to go to the airport
18:21a long drive to a busy confusing place
18:24oh murphy that's cruel it's sadistic
18:27let's do it
18:29that was tim in the mobile van
18:38he's driven back and forth to the airport twice
18:40and hasn't seen amy or the van anywhere
18:42so she's probably just taken surface streets
18:44then why hasn't she picked up the phone in the van
18:47so she's probably just
18:49dead
18:49go on
18:50say it
18:51it's what we're all thinking
18:53oh god
18:54i've killed a sorority sister
18:56do you have any idea what the penalty is for that
19:01i must have been out of my mind to listen to you
19:05sending that frail little old lady to the air freight office
19:09all those big heavy crates and those awful men behind the counter who leer at women and make those disgusting chicky chicky baby sounds
19:18frank frank frank did you find her i checked the air freight counter amy definitely left with the tape where she went from there is anybody's guess
19:28did you check with airport security yes did you look in the parking lot to see if her van was there of course i did
19:35what's that on your lip frank
19:39frank it's salt isn't it instead of looking for amy you were in the airport lounge having margaritas
19:45margaritas
19:46oh
19:47i had one
19:49i only went in there because i could see a lot of old people through the window
19:55you went in because it was happy hour
19:57it was a smart piece of investigative work
19:59it was half-price drinks and scandinavian stewardesses
20:03i'm holding you personally responsible frank if anything happens to amy you're the one who's going to have to call her grandkids and tell them their beloved nana die because you were too busy trying to come in for a landing on a stewardess named a
20:16No
20:18in
20:23Amy!
20:23Hey Sue?
20:24we're only teacher
20:25i got two chittens
20:26oh no
20:28Oh
20:29you're never gonna
20:29believe what happened
20:31Wai?
20:31when I got over to the air freight counter
20:34this guy handed me a tape
20:36addressed
20:36to c n i
20:38oh
20:38and then he started making them disgusting little chicky chicky baby noises
20:44I told
20:45him he was not too old for
20:46a spanking and i was just a little chicky chicky baby to give it to him and then i made him call
20:54cnn and sure enough they had our tape oh my that was quick thinking oh please i'm just getting
21:01started anyway when i got over to cnn and i found out that new york had sent us a half inch transfer
21:11instead of a three-quarter so i pointed wolf flitzer and i asked him if there was somebody who could run
21:17off a copy for us well of course all his engineers were busy so i dubbed it myself you dubbed a tape
21:27well i had to i mean wolf was totally lost in there i mean he's a very nice boy but i don't
21:33think that he could program a vcr if his life depends marvin will you please run this over to
21:43editing for me well go go go well amy i have to say i am very impressed and it occurs to me as i'm sure
21:57it does everyone here that perhaps we haven't really given you enough responsibility around here
22:02no kidding i could have been dead three years and done this job you know you people have to
22:11realize old is not incapacitated you're right you're absolutely right we feel guilty for something
22:20we're not very proud of and we want to apologize for that i'm so sorry it's sad isn't it i ain't
22:26trying to tell them you could do the job i'm sorry amy we promised to give you a lot more responsibility
22:35in the future well you're gonna have to step on it i only got a couple of minutes before i have to
22:41leave for my new job what new job wolf was so knocked out by me his words
22:50this producer who offered me a job on the spot a real job now granted i mean it's starting at the bottom
23:01but listen i have a few good years left in me and i want to spend them learning new things
23:07i'm feeling useful who will make you feel useful here when you rang who worked you like a pack
23:14mule oh promises promises well listen i gotta go i'm working the larry king show tonight
23:23i have to double check all of larry's facts it seems larry's in love again and he gets a little distracted
23:30amy amy amy you don't want to work for cnn ted turner gives dried fruit at christmas oh good
23:42thanks i'll keep in touch maybe we can all do lunch one day i'll even go out and get it
23:50there's no prestige at cnn they're cable we're network oh honey everybody knows network television is dead
24:00you know she's got a real mean streak in her she should do very well in this business
24:18new season
24:23i'm
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