Murphy Brown Season 6 Episode 19 Crime Story
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00:00I'm not damp, I'm just ignoring you.
00:04All right, I know it's here somewhere.
00:07Oh, let's see, got your glasses, shoes, purse, keys or briefcase?
00:12Briefcase. I know I came home with it. This always seems to happen on carpool day.
00:18Oh, it seems to happen every day.
00:25All right, Murph, what's missing this time?
00:28Okay, purse, glasses, shoes, keys or briefcase?
00:34Briefcase.
00:37Hey, Avery, look, I found another W. Now you can smell whitewater.
00:44Where was the last place I saw it?
00:46Did you look in the freezer? That's where you left your keys last time.
00:52Sometimes, if you can sell them from work, she goes straight for the ice cream.
00:55Ladled in one hand, a quarter triple brownie overload in the other. It's not a pretty sight.
01:02Well, that does it. I've searched the entire house. Obviously, my briefcase has just vanished off the face of the earth.
01:09Have you checked your car?
01:10I don't.
01:11Of course. It's in my car, right where I left it.
01:17Come on, Frank. You're going to make us late.
01:19Me?
01:20Come on, come on, come on.
01:23Do you ever have that dream where she's just a giant screaming head?
01:27Oh, dear Lord. Mama's going to miss you.
01:34Bye-bye, Avery.
01:37Here we go. Say bye.
01:40And as the hurricane moves on, silence once again descends on the peaceful island village.
01:47Ben!
01:47Wait, a shift in the wind patterns. Quick, back to the huts.
01:55Tell me you did something with my car. You moved it, didn't you? Tell me you moved it. I won't be, ma'am.
02:01You know, I once touched your side mirror, and you actually wrapped me across my knuckles.
02:07Murph, now think. Are you sure that's where you left it?
02:11In my driveway, Frank? I think so.
02:15I used to park it in my closet, but it wrinkled my clothes.
02:19Okay, well, it's got to be there.
02:22I'm just going to open the front door, and my car will be there.
02:29It's not there.
02:32I don't believe this. Somebody stole my car.
02:36Some son of a...
02:39Oh, great.
02:52I'm going to spend my whole day in the police station while some low-light joy rides around town in my car,
02:58changing the mirrors, readjusting the seats.
03:03I wouldn't worry about it. He's probably got it stripped down to the rims by now.
03:06Well, except in your case, your car is so beautiful, he's probably just going to keep it.
03:13You know, until these guys find it.
03:17That's not fair, Frank. Why'd they have to take my car?
03:19Why couldn't they have taken that brand-new Lexus across the street?
03:22They're well-built, low-maintenance, and now feature dual airbags.
03:25Don't these jerks read consumer reports?
03:28Oh, sure. It helps them decide which bread-makers to steal.
03:32Look, Murph, I know you're upset, but when you think about it, you're really pretty lucky.
03:37All they took was material stuff. Nobody got hurt.
03:40I know it's just a car, but someone was in my driveway while I was in my house sleeping,
03:47while my kid was sleeping.
03:49I know, I know.
03:51Here you go.
03:52Yeah, I'd like to report a stolen...
03:54Oh, great. Murphy Brown.
03:57Just what I needed today, to be part of some get-the-cops expose.
04:03And me without my donut. Imagine my embarrassment.
04:06I'm not here to do an expose.
04:09I'm here because my car was stolen, and I'd like to get it back.
04:13Hey, why don't you guys ever go after the firemen, huh?
04:16Everybody loves firemen.
04:18Oh, look, there's a little kitten up in the tree.
04:21Let's call the big, brave firemen.
04:23Did you ever start to think maybe it's the firemen lobbing those cats up there in the first place?
04:27I don't seem to be getting through to you.
04:36Look, how do I explain this?
04:38You see this key?
04:40There used to be a car attached to it.
04:43Now it's a very expensive letter opener.
04:46Then your car really was stolen?
04:48Yes, officer. Yes, it was. Yes.
04:50All right.
04:52Fill out this form and wait over there.
04:53We'll get to you when we can.
04:54Oh, jeez, this is going to take all day.
04:57I don't have all day.
04:59Listen, is there some sort of policeman's ball coming up?
05:02I'll take 50 tickets.
05:04Let me handle this, Murph.
05:06Listen, Sergeant Foley, maybe we can cut through some of this red tape.
05:12Now, I don't know if you've seen any of my reports,
05:15but I have spent some time riding around with some of the guys from the 2nd District.
05:21I even took a bullet once.
05:22Still aches a little when it rains.
05:29Anyway, what we've got here is a 22-38-15.
05:35Now, I think we should check the teletype for any repos or impounds,
05:38do a flash lookout, make sure we can nail this perp.
05:42Yes, sir. We'll do that.
05:44Just as soon as she fills out this form and waits over there.
05:51It's a 251, Murph.
05:54Black ink. Press firmly.
05:55I'm going to check out the water.
05:56Well, let me guess what happens now.
06:00I fill this out and it sits on someone's desk collecting coffee rings.
06:04What about the repos and the perps?
06:06Shouldn't you be setting up roadblocks, calling all cars?
06:09And while we're at it, how about more patrols on the street?
06:12Yeah, I'll do that.
06:15Right after I flashed the big Help Us Batman sign in the sky.
06:21Look, I don't know what fantasy world you've been living in,
06:24but we don't have the money, nor do we have the manpower to put patrols on everyone's street.
06:29They don't have to be on everyone's street.
06:31Just my street, Cambridge Place.
06:33Look, Ms. Brown, we do the best we can.
06:38But if you want to feel safer, I suggest you join your neighborhood watch.
06:42They do a very effective job in preventing crime.
06:45Oh, right, my neighborhood watch.
06:47I should get in touch with them.
06:50Okay, I want the name of the neighbor that was on duty last night,
06:53and I want to know why the hell they weren't watching my car.
06:56Look, the only name I can give you is the name of the head of the group in your area.
07:00It's, uh, Margaret Stritch.
07:04Mrs. Stritch?
07:05That woman who's always out pruning in the floppy sun hat and white gloves?
07:10Oh, sure, she flies out of her house if your kid touches one lousy azalea,
07:14but they come for your car and it's be my guest.
07:18Here's her number.
07:19I'm sure she'd love to hear from you.
07:22Now, I have some more work to do.
07:24When you finish filling out your phone, let me know.
07:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:31But, you know,
07:32This isn't going to look very good on my expose.
07:37But you said this wasn't an expose.
07:40What kind of an expose would it be if I just walked in here and said it was an expose?
07:44Hidden camera in the purse?
07:51I'll have to form over here.
07:55Hello, neighbors.
07:57Good to see you.
07:58Come right on in.
07:59Coats go over there.
08:00The ponds.
08:04Put that stupid electric elf in their window at Christmas.
08:08I love that elf.
08:11You've got to give me more to go on than that.
08:13Oh, well, pardon me.
08:14Perhaps I should mention the jug bottles of Gallo Hardy Burgundy in their recycling bin.
08:18I'll let my own little neighborhood watch going.
08:27Hello, Murphy.
08:28Hi.
08:29Sorry we're late.
08:30Courtney's so conflicted these days about her babysitter.
08:33Well, when you're as verbal as she is for her age,
08:36you're bound to be a little more sensitive than the average child.
08:39Guys, you could make it so it's over there.
08:46The Coopers think their kid is smarter than yours.
08:50Yeah.
08:51These two I remember.
08:52You'll never guess what happened yesterday.
08:55Courtney counted all the way to 20.
08:58So how is Avery?
09:02He's fine.
09:03He's upstairs doing my taxes.
09:09Herbie, dear, I think we're ready to start the meeting.
09:15Will you be joining us, Alden?
09:17Um, oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Stritch, but, uh, I mean, I really should be getting home.
09:22I don't know how safe it is for me to be out in this neighborhood after dark.
09:26I'm so sorry about that incident the other night.
09:29If I'd known it was you, I never would have used that pepper spray.
09:36Don't worry about it.
09:37Uh, this stuff wore off after four or five hours, and I was only begging to die the first couple.
09:46I'm so glad.
09:52Next time she drops her teeth, I'm kicking them under a bitch.
09:55Same goes for that old man, Swenson, in there.
10:01Try to return someone's mitten, and he chases you with a snow shovel.
10:06I've lived in this town longer than any of you.
10:09You want to know what the problem is?
10:12I'll tell you what the problem is.
10:15Gangs.
10:16Hey, Ballard.
10:17Can't you talk to these punks?
10:19You must know that rap talk.
10:27Mr. Swenson, sometimes I don't know which of your stereotypes would deal with firsts.
10:32I think we're all here, and I want to welcome our newest member, Murphy Brown.
10:38And because she's the one that requested this emergency meeting, I think I'll turn the floor over to her.
10:45Murphy?
10:46Thank you, Mrs. Stretch.
10:48Uh, look, it's too bad that we have to get together under these circumstances, but I just want you to know I've really been meaning to have you all over.
10:56And how come you never invited us?
11:00For 15 years you've been next door, and I haven't gotten so much as a cup of coffee.
11:06I've just been very busy.
11:07You had coffee?
11:09Have you?
11:10How about you?
11:12Mr. Swenson, I think it's safe to say none of us has gotten a cup of coffee.
11:17Why don't I just get to the point?
11:25You may not know this, but something has happened in this neighborhood that affects us all.
11:30My car was stolen.
11:32Oh, gee, gee.
11:34I know, I know, but I didn't call this meeting to get your sympathy.
11:38You wanted to warn us that it could happen to us, too.
11:41Oh, well, sure, that.
11:43And to tell you that we have got to start taking this crime situation more seriously.
11:52Now, I'm not saying it was your fault my car was stolen,
11:56and I don't expect any of you to step forward and offer to pay the $500 deductible,
12:01even though it might help us swage your guilt over what was obviously some pretty shoddy neighborhood watching.
12:08You know, you're not the only one who's been hit by a crime.
12:14Our Volvo wagon was stolen, too.
12:17Six months before yours, all of Courtney's flashcards were in it.
12:23It's not just the cars.
12:25Our home was broken into, and we were out of town.
12:28Well, now, this just proves my point.
12:30We have got to stop talking about this problem and do something.
12:33We have got to start getting aggressive about protecting ourselves.
12:38Bravo.
12:39Well said.
12:41And now is a good time to report that the new stickers came in.
12:45They say, we're watching you, and the little eyes glow in the dark.
12:51Stickers.
12:53Oh, great idea.
12:55But why stop there?
12:57Why don't we just climb up into our treehouse and pelt the bad guys with water balloons?
13:01Come on, we have to take action.
13:02Action.
13:03She's right.
13:04Stickers are no good.
13:06If someone comes near my door, I bark like a dog.
13:13You know, we're not as incompetent as you might think.
13:16We've started organizing nightly patrols.
13:18Ah, patrols.
13:19That's an excellent idea.
13:22Bearing in mind, of course, that some of us have very busy schedules that wouldn't be available.
13:25But then I'd be happy to leave some cookies and a thermos of coffee on my stoop so that any of you patrollers passing by could stop and enjoy.
13:33I don't know if now she's got coffee.
13:37What about security gates?
13:40I know they would help those of us with small and exceptional children sleep a lot better at night.
13:46Mr. Cooper, now you know there's a two-year waiting list for permits.
13:51And there's not much chance of speeding that up now that Clarence Thomas has moved out of the neighborhood.
13:57Can't you talk to him?
13:59I don't know him.
14:05Oh, what good are you?
14:11Oh, just a second.
14:13What are we talking about here, gates?
14:15You want to turn this into a gated community?
14:18Not just a gated community, an electrified gated community.
14:22The informant department wouldn't even consider that.
14:26That would have been great.
14:27Like a giant bug sampler.
14:31The gate issue is dead.
14:34Now, let's talk about what we can do.
14:37I'm pleased to announce that the Georgetown Gun Shop has offered us a 10% discount on all handguns, ammo, and silhouette targets.
14:50You people aren't really considering buying guns, are you?
14:55Well, actually, we already have one.
14:57I have a gun hidden in every room of my house.
15:00I'm never more than five paces away from a little piece of mine.
15:05By the way, Margaret, you were absolutely right about that new graphite grip.
15:10It's worked wonders on our 9mm.
15:12I have to tell you that when I was thinking of taking some action, I was thinking of something a little less road warrior.
15:27I mean, guns, gates, grenades, why don't we just build a moat and get a vat of boiling oil?
15:34Yeah, try to get a permit for that.
15:37Look, I've got to be honest with you.
15:42I don't exactly feel safer knowing I'm surrounded by a bunch of people who are armed to the teeth.
15:48I mean, is that the way we want to live?
15:50A trigger-happy community where we shoot first and ask questions later?
15:54Look, it wasn't an easy decision to get a gun.
15:57Just after the break-in, we didn't feel safe in our own home.
16:00Even with the bars and the alarm system.
16:02God knows you can't rely on the police anymore.
16:05So we banded together to take back our streets.
16:08That's right, because if we don't watch out for each other, who will?
16:12Oh, dear.
16:14Whose is that?
16:16I think it's on the next block.
16:17Oh, good.
16:19Now.
16:24This is unbelievable.
16:26Somebody actually suggested putting up a guard tower.
16:29A guard tower?
16:30Next thing you know, I'll be tunneling for freedom and making a fool out of Colonel Quinn.
16:35Between the electrified fence and that barking man, it sounds like you need a neighborhood watch to watch your neighborhood watch.
16:41I can hardly wait to get those people out of my house.
16:45And later that night in bed, I started to hear things outside.
16:49You know, those creepy, is it the wind or is it something else noises?
16:54I actually thought of calling Mrs. Stritch and asking her to drop by with her 357.
16:58You know, the one she calls her little friend.
17:01Lots of times we live in, any strange noise in your heart starts to pound.
17:07Oh, yeah.
17:08Maybe it's nothing, but you can't be sure.
17:11Do you know they could press charges against you if you call 911 too much?
17:16Look, I can understand why you guys are upset, Murph.
17:19Your car was stolen.
17:21Miles, you were born that way.
17:24But don't you think you're getting a little paranoid?
17:28Oh, and you haven't?
17:29Tell us, Frank.
17:30Why do you keep a nine iron under your bed?
17:33In case the guy who breaks in finds the butcher knife in my nightstick.
17:38Maybe I'm getting a little paranoid too.
17:40It's not paranoia.
17:42There is crime out there.
17:45Remember how many times my car stereo was stolen before I bought the kind that pulls out?
17:48That was fun, lugging it around with me everywhere I went.
17:52Until that guy bugged me on the street and took it.
17:55Try being a woman living alone.
17:58Every time the doorbell rings, it's scary.
18:00And even when they say it's the pizza guy,
18:02it could be a crazy person who knocked out the real pizza guy
18:05and is coming to rob you and kill you and eat a free pizza over your life.
18:09I remember when you didn't have to lock your front door.
18:14Now I've got security codes for my house, my car, my luggage.
18:18I live in fear of the day I accidentally punched my ATM number into my house alarm.
18:23The security patrol comes screeching onto my lawn,
18:25blows me away, and bills my estate $200 for a house call.
18:31Did I tell you guys I started taking a self-defense class at Dwight?
18:34Really?
18:34I was going to do that, but it's in such a dangerous part of town.
18:37How is it?
18:38It's not bad.
18:39I mean, I thought there'd be a few more people there my own age,
18:41but at least now I know how to use a walker as a lethal weapon.
18:47I hardly think violence is the answer.
18:49If someone tries to take my wallet, he can have it.
18:52Of course, let him go for my grandfather's watch,
18:55and he can be expected to fuel the business end of my umbrella.
18:57Are you nuts, Jim?
18:59If someone attacked you, you can't whack him with your umbrella.
19:01That's just going to make you mad.
19:03She's right.
19:04You have to beat, beat, beat him until he's dead.
19:06If you just wing him, he can turn around and sue you for all you've got.
19:12Do you know what else?
19:13A cop told a friend of mine that if you catch a prowler outside your house
19:16and you do happen to kill him,
19:18that you have to drag him inside so it looks like breaking and entering.
19:21Not enough.
19:23Not enough.
19:24My cousin, who's a paralegal, says after you drag the body inside,
19:28you have to put a knife in his hand so you can plead self-defense.
19:31Oh, really?
19:32And he's a paralegal, you say?
19:33Man, it wouldn't hurt to eat a few Twinkies.
19:37That way, if the self-defense thing doesn't work,
19:39you've got insanity to pull back.
19:42Would you listen to us?
19:43Why did words like beating and dragging become part of everyday conversation?
19:49This is just a part of all of us that's been pushed so far,
19:52we're ready to push back.
19:53I know I am.
19:55I have this fantasy where I see the guy who took my car stereo,
19:58I run up behind him, tap him on the shoulder,
20:00and when he turns around, bam, I knock him cold with my walker.
20:08I have to admit,
20:09I haven't stopped thinking about the jerk who stole my car.
20:13I picture myself in the bushes with a baseball bat waiting for him.
20:17It's dark, so he can't see me, but I can see him.
20:21Yeah.
20:21Because I'm wearing those night goggles from Silence of the Lambs.
20:27He starts to pick the lock, and ha, I'm there.
20:30And the last thing he sees is my cackling face and the words Louisville Slugger.
20:35He might come into your house and eat a 20.
20:40You got a call from the police.
20:42They caught the guy who took your car.
20:43You're kidding!
20:44All right!
20:45Congratulations!
20:46And they say dreams don't come true.
20:49Well, I am ready for this.
20:50Well, Murphy, all that stuff we were chatting about,
20:53you're not actually going to do anything to this guy, are you?
20:55Of course not, Miles.
20:56He's in the hands of the law now.
20:58I believe in the judicial system.
21:00Besides, it's not like they leave you in a room alone with them
21:02unless you work them over with a rubber hose.
21:04I mean, how much can a rubber hose hurt anyway?
21:08It's only rubber.
21:09Now, a truncheon.
21:10I'm not sure what that is.
21:11I'm sure it's not as much as one of those iron mages with all those spikes.
21:17But where are you going to get one of those these days?
21:18Hey, Sarge, you found my car.
21:27I don't believe it.
21:28I never thought I'd see it again.
21:30That makes two of us.
21:31Our friend made the mistake of driving it into a chop shop we've been watching.
21:36I want to do something to show my appreciation.
21:38I want the shoe sizes of the entire squad.
21:41Reeboks for everyone.
21:44That won't be necessary, Ms. Brown.
21:46But you could pay off those old parking tickets we found in the glove compartment.
21:53Is that where they were?
21:56I'll do that.
21:58I just wish I could see the guy who stole my car so I could tell him to his face what a piece of scum he is.
22:06Well, technically, we're not supposed to allow that.
22:09But, uh, they're bringing him out right now if you want to get a look at him.
22:14Really?
22:14You wouldn't happen to have a truncheon, would you?
22:16Where is he?
22:20Right over there.
22:24That's him?
22:25A kid stole my car?
22:27I was going to wait in the dark for a kid.
22:29How old is he?
22:31Thirteen.
22:32Thirteen?
22:33Does he even know how to drive?
22:35Judging from the dents he left in your car, I'd say he was still learning.
22:39How old is my car you stole?
22:44So?
22:45That's all you got to say?
22:47So?
22:48Okay.
22:49Your tapes suck.
22:49Well, let me guess what happens now.
22:57They start a rap sheet for him and then ship him to juvenile hall where he spends a few days picking up tips on how to become a better criminal?
23:05Oh, no.
23:06Most of the time, the system turns these kids into Nobel Prize winners.
23:10Here.
23:13You can pick up your car at the impound lot.
23:18Thirteen.
23:19Good evening and welcome to FYI.
23:26For your information tonight, crime.
23:29It's on everyone's mind.
23:31It's on everyone's street.
23:33Tonight, we begin an ongoing series on the problem that seems to have no solution.
23:38Murphy?
23:38Thank you, Jim.
23:39In poll after poll, Americans list crime as their number one concern.
23:44We're a country living in fear, hoping that if we build more prisons, hire more police, and buy more guns, we'll finally feel safe.
23:53But in this report, you won't see prisons or police or guns.
23:58What you will see are underfunded schools, pregnant teens, drug abuse, child neglect, and joblessness.
24:06Because that's where most problems start.
24:08We'll see you next time.
24:38Three nights beginning this Tuesday at 10 p.m.