With Alan Charles
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00:00Manhood, brought to you in part by Solomon's Bespoke.
00:00:05Manhood, brought to you in part by Reboot Sports Drink.
00:00:14Welcome to another conversation here on Manhood.
00:00:18The topic today is vulnerability.
00:00:21Do we know how to express our emotions?
00:00:23Why don't we sometimes express our emotions?
00:00:26Do we even know how sometimes to express those emotions?
00:00:28Why don't we ask for directions?
00:00:31All these little things that come up comes under the context of vulnerability
00:00:34and how that connects and relates to being a man.
00:00:38So to my right, it's a bit of a shocker this time.
00:00:41You might normally see Johanse there, but to my right today is a friend, Alan Charles,
00:00:46also known as Tridi Sofa.
00:00:48Welcome to the conversation.
00:00:51Really good to have you.
00:00:52And to his right, Johanse, IODK, behavior change consultant.
00:00:56So we're getting straight into vulnerability.
00:00:59You know, I want to start off by saying that, you know, just in the topic alone, Alan, Johanse,
00:01:07was one of, ironically, vulnerability to even start the conversation,
00:01:11to somehow say the words.
00:01:13And then you start to realize, you know, we'd laugh and joke about it in certain ways,
00:01:17about why men don't ask for directions,
00:01:19or why men don't really reach out to other men when they're going through problems,
00:01:24and what are some of the reasons behind it.
00:01:27And as I was sharing with you, Johanse and Alan, earlier before,
00:01:31and we always say that whatever we discuss off camera, we discuss on camera,
00:01:36because this is a real program.
00:01:37You know, we want, there's no point hiding things.
00:01:39We're not trying to be somebody that we're not.
00:01:41And, you know, this is not an alter ego type program.
00:01:46It's who we are, and what we think, and when we think it,
00:01:49in itself, and in essence, being vulnerable.
00:01:54And I would say that, you know, a couple weeks ago,
00:01:58I was really in a state of, where am I going in life?
00:02:02You know, what am I doing?
00:02:03You know, what's my next step?
00:02:07Why are people thinking this particular way?
00:02:10And I didn't reach out to anyone.
00:02:13And then a friend of mine called the next morning,
00:02:16and I was just, I just happened to spit it out.
00:02:18Like, you know, like how people say, how are you?
00:02:20But they're really not interested in your response.
00:02:21I just kind of said, well, I was feeling out of s*** yesterday.
00:02:25And then went to move on with the topic.
00:02:26And he said, no, hold on.
00:02:28You know, like, what happened?
00:02:29And I kind of still brushed it off.
00:02:31And then after a couple moments, you know,
00:02:34I kind of shared with him a bit more as to how I was feeling.
00:02:37You know, whether it be imposter syndrome.
00:02:40You know, every time you succeed, is it as a shadow?
00:02:43And you still don't know that even after 20 years of doing this,
00:02:48that when you get the accolades or commendations
00:02:53and all these other things, you know,
00:02:54people giving you positive feedback,
00:02:57you're still like, yeah, well, I don't know how I pull that one off.
00:02:59But okay, if you feel that particular way.
00:03:01And the next, so in chatting with him, I was like,
00:03:05he looked at me and he said, well, why don't you reach out to anybody?
00:03:08And my first thing was, I sit here on this show every week
00:03:11and I talk to people and try to, you know,
00:03:15express why we should be doing it as a brotherhood,
00:03:18why we should be vulnerable.
00:03:19And there it was, the moment I should have been doing it myself,
00:03:23I didn't do it.
00:03:24And I felt really s*** about not even taking, you know?
00:03:28Well, let me tell you, I'll say this and then we could start to develop it.
00:03:36When a man, most times when a man is being vulnerable,
00:03:40when I see a man being vulnerable,
00:03:42what I see most times is a little child speaking.
00:03:45So Robert, you were speaking and I was seeing
00:03:46almost the young Robert speaking.
00:03:50I remember once I was in a therapy session with my therapist
00:03:53and it was online so I could see myself.
00:03:57And even when I was speaking, I was looking at myself
00:03:59and I was seeing young, like little Johansi talking.
00:04:03And I realized is that many of us have these wounds from childhood, right?
00:04:09And I'm using wounds generally because different situations,
00:04:13different kinds of wounds.
00:04:14But that would, in some way, told us or convinced us
00:04:20that we are not enough in some way
00:04:23or us being our honest selves in some way is wrong
00:04:28or it wouldn't bring us value
00:04:30or it was shut down by someone
00:04:31or anything along those lines.
00:04:33So of course, if we were emotionally stunted at that age,
00:04:38whatever age that was,
00:04:39every time it comes up,
00:04:41we would react it like a child.
00:04:43Because let's just see the mature thing to do
00:04:45and I've been victim to this too,
00:04:46is to reach out.
00:04:48You don't know, ask a question.
00:04:50That's a sensible thing to do.
00:04:53But because a lot of us stuck in this six-year-old,
00:04:57eight-year-old state
00:04:58that didn't get that emotional development,
00:05:00we often act like children.
00:05:03Tell me your thoughts.
00:05:04No, definitely.
00:05:05Like when it comes to being vulnerable as a man too.
00:05:09Of course, across the board is different
00:05:10for everybody growing up.
00:05:11But in essence, you are correct
00:05:14that it can be portrayed in our minds
00:05:17as coming across as like a child or a younger person
00:05:20or even sometimes how we might portray it
00:05:22may not come across as like emotionally intelligent enough
00:05:25at that point in time.
00:05:26And that is, for a lot of fellas,
00:05:30the product of their upbringing
00:05:31or how we're supposed to act
00:05:32or how we're supposed to be
00:05:33or even how our parents might have been around us
00:05:36as men coming up
00:05:37as opposed to maybe girls and that kind of thing
00:05:40when they are younger.
00:05:41But it's good.
00:05:42It is good that these days,
00:05:44hopefully, people are feeling a little more like,
00:05:46you know, men.
00:05:47I'm saying people, men.
00:05:48Yeah.
00:05:48Can start to break through that,
00:05:51let's say, stereotype
00:05:52or that taboo feeling
00:05:53that it's less manly to be vulnerable
00:05:55and more so to kind of express yourself
00:05:58in a proper way, you know?
00:05:59And I think that, Alan,
00:06:02is a really important one
00:06:03for us to constantly remind each other
00:06:06and also the wider public
00:06:08and even, you know,
00:06:11our partners, our friends,
00:06:14for women also to understand that
00:06:17and embrace that.
00:06:18You know, you used to hear things growing up
00:06:19from a societal aspect
00:06:23when you hear bad man don't smile.
00:06:24You know, that in itself is something
00:06:26or big man don't cry.
00:06:27And that could be coming from
00:06:30not just maybe your father
00:06:31or your parents,
00:06:33but from your friends
00:06:35or your environment
00:06:36or your community.
00:06:38And then you start to understand,
00:06:39okay, well, to be a man
00:06:40means that I can't be doing these things.
00:06:43But even though I mightn't express,
00:06:45for example, I have a sharp pain, right?
00:06:48I might want to cry,
00:06:49but because I don't cry
00:06:50doesn't mean it not hurt it.
00:06:52Right.
00:06:52So, and because now I find ways
00:06:55to suppress that,
00:06:56it means I'm still going
00:06:57through the emotion,
00:06:58but I'm not allowed to show it.
00:07:00Listen, Robert, you've seen it
00:07:01and it's sounding real f***ing up.
00:07:03Yeah.
00:07:04Because the thing is,
00:07:05is that I want to cry,
00:07:07but I can't cry,
00:07:09but I should cry.
00:07:10Yeah.
00:07:10So then what are you doing?
00:07:11And you end up in this place
00:07:12of confusion,
00:07:14which at this point I realize
00:07:17is just to do it to know.
00:07:19Because if,
00:07:21honestly,
00:07:21like whether it is cry,
00:07:22whether it is express weakness,
00:07:25wherever it is,
00:07:26if in that moment
00:07:27that's what you really want to do,
00:07:29then you have to do it.
00:07:30Because,
00:07:30and if your partner,
00:07:33your friends,
00:07:34your family member,
00:07:35whoever,
00:07:35don't accept you,
00:07:37what you'll do,
00:07:38you'll just get information
00:07:38now to know,
00:07:39well,
00:07:39this person is not the person
00:07:41to be vulnerable around you.
00:07:42You can't expect support,
00:07:44but I realize at this stage
00:07:45it don't make any sense
00:07:46keeping it inside.
00:07:48Because you use,
00:07:48you use the word,
00:07:49Johansson,
00:07:50just now,
00:07:50sometimes you want to cry,
00:07:52right?
00:07:52Now there's a different thing
00:07:53between want and need.
00:07:54Sometimes you need to cry.
00:07:56Yeah.
00:07:56You need that purge,
00:07:58you know,
00:07:58even a pressure cooker
00:08:00at some point,
00:08:01you know.
00:08:01When that time come to,
00:08:03you can't,
00:08:03sometimes you really can't stop it,
00:08:04you can't.
00:08:05No matter how much,
00:08:06and I'm a person too,
00:08:09to be honest,
00:08:09I don't cry very much,
00:08:10especially since I was younger.
00:08:12And the other day,
00:08:13randomly one of our cats died,
00:08:14you know.
00:08:15And I'd stay strong
00:08:17or what I thought I had to be
00:08:18at that point.
00:08:19My wife went to bed,
00:08:20and I went,
00:08:21I sleep in a separate room
00:08:23at that point
00:08:23because the baby
00:08:26was in the room with her
00:08:27and I had to work
00:08:27the next morning.
00:08:28So we have a little side room
00:08:29where I could sleep
00:08:29in case,
00:08:30you know,
00:08:31babies keep you up at night.
00:08:32And I sit home in that room
00:08:33and just thinking,
00:08:35thinking,
00:08:35and tears coming on
00:08:36and for a good hour
00:08:38I didn't sleep,
00:08:38I just let go now,
00:08:40you know,
00:08:40by myself.
00:08:41And it's not because
00:08:42I was necessarily trying
00:08:43to hide it from my wife
00:08:44or anything like that,
00:08:45but I've thought to myself
00:08:46when's the last time
00:08:48I even shed a tear?
00:08:50And then I was like,
00:08:51you know,
00:08:51like,
00:08:52it's cool,
00:08:53you love the animal,
00:08:54it is a part of your family,
00:08:55it's just,
00:08:56it's not no problem.
00:08:57But I did think,
00:08:58while being sad,
00:08:59that,
00:09:00you know,
00:09:01most of the time
00:09:02I don't really want
00:09:03to bother with this
00:09:04or I try not to bother
00:09:05with any kind of crying
00:09:05for other situations.
00:09:06But it overwhelmed me
00:09:08at that time,
00:09:09I was like,
00:09:09now I can't fight this back.
00:09:10Did you feel,
00:09:11did you feel
00:09:12in that moment
00:09:12afterwards,
00:09:14even though it might
00:09:15have been cathartic for you,
00:09:16did you feel afterwards
00:09:17that you're glad
00:09:18you did it in that space
00:09:20and that not in front of her?
00:09:22To an extent,
00:09:23yes,
00:09:23I will admit,
00:09:24like,
00:09:24even when it happened to,
00:09:26I mean,
00:09:26my wife was flat out crying.
00:09:28So I was hugging her,
00:09:29so I had some teary eyes
00:09:30listening to her,
00:09:31not that she was even watching
00:09:32and bothering me
00:09:32at that point.
00:09:33She had other things
00:09:34to think about.
00:09:35And in my mind,
00:09:37I did think
00:09:38that it's kind of nice,
00:09:39again,
00:09:39this moment to myself
00:09:41to let it out.
00:09:42And everything you're saying
00:09:43is interestingly true.
00:09:45Like,
00:09:45I thought in that moment
00:09:46as well to,
00:09:48like,
00:09:49what would it be like
00:09:49if I was crying
00:09:50in front of her right now?
00:09:51And, you know,
00:09:51how would that look?
00:09:53And I like to believe
00:09:54that,
00:09:55of course,
00:09:55it's okay,
00:09:56but there's still something
00:09:57pulling down inside of me
00:09:58that's like,
00:09:58you know,
00:09:58is it really okay?
00:09:59Well,
00:09:59I don't know,
00:10:00and this is something
00:10:01I explore in.
00:10:02Is it really okay?
00:10:03That's what we are told.
00:10:04We're told
00:10:05that you're supposed to
00:10:06be able to cry
00:10:07in front of a woman,
00:10:08right?
00:10:09Who's not your mother?
00:10:10Because crying in front
00:10:11of your mother is different.
00:10:13Mommy is mommy.
00:10:13No matter what age you are,
00:10:14your mother
00:10:15have a certain degree
00:10:16of unconditional love
00:10:18for you
00:10:18and acceptance
00:10:19in that way.
00:10:20And the relationship
00:10:21dynamic is different
00:10:22between son and mother.
00:10:24But now husband
00:10:25and wife,
00:10:27father and daughter,
00:10:29right,
00:10:29there's a different
00:10:29dynamic of,
00:10:31I think,
00:10:32dependability
00:10:33and strength.
00:10:34And then some people argue,
00:10:35well,
00:10:35it's strong to cry.
00:10:37Now,
00:10:37thus far,
00:10:38I have tested
00:10:39some of these things,
00:10:40right,
00:10:40to really see.
00:10:42And even men I know,
00:10:44we intentionally test
00:10:47some of these things
00:10:48to see.
00:10:48And thus far,
00:10:49the result is,
00:10:50you shouldn't really cry
00:10:51in front of a woman
00:10:52that's depending on you.
00:10:53So as in Alan's case,
00:10:56I believe that too,
00:10:56by the way.
00:10:56You know,
00:10:57his wife is crying,
00:10:58you know,
00:10:59grieving over the cat,
00:11:01right?
00:11:01And he's hugging her.
00:11:03And at that moment,
00:11:04it's not your moment
00:11:05to also express that
00:11:06because both of you crying
00:11:08will be a purge,
00:11:09but is it really
00:11:10at that point,
00:11:12even though you're purging,
00:11:13is she now feeling
00:11:14comforted
00:11:14the fact that you're
00:11:15also grieving
00:11:16with that person.
00:11:17And therefore,
00:11:18somebody has to be
00:11:19that pillar of strength.
00:11:20100%.
00:11:20And the man,
00:11:22even though
00:11:22you are equally emotional,
00:11:25you know,
00:11:26is it that there's something
00:11:27that's then built in
00:11:28to allow for that?
00:11:31I don't think so
00:11:33because there are times
00:11:34I might be watching something
00:11:35and really start to tear up
00:11:39and asking myself,
00:11:40is it the show
00:11:41that's tearing up?
00:11:41Is it triggering something
00:11:43in the background?
00:11:43But you find yourself
00:11:44immediately like,
00:11:46you know,
00:11:47because it can't be seen
00:11:49as, you know,
00:11:50as a sign of,
00:11:52like you mentioned,
00:11:52a sign of weakness.
00:11:55And that's what
00:11:56you're being conditioned to do.
00:11:57And in your case,
00:11:59you know,
00:11:59I like, as you mentioned,
00:12:00and a really,
00:12:01really strong point there,
00:12:03you're a new father,
00:12:04Alan.
00:12:04You know,
00:12:05congratulations.
00:12:06Yeah, thank you.
00:12:07It's a wonderful thing.
00:12:10But at the same time,
00:12:11as much as it's wonderful,
00:12:12it's also the areas of,
00:12:14it's scary at the same time.
00:12:16Your heart is now
00:12:16outside your body
00:12:17and you are now
00:12:20very vulnerable
00:12:21and you now have to be
00:12:23a particular way
00:12:24as the wife can be
00:12:25very open
00:12:26and show her emotions.
00:12:28You are there trying,
00:12:29you know,
00:12:30you're not going to break down
00:12:31and cry in front of your son.
00:12:32No,
00:12:33not just at all.
00:12:34And so you have two roles
00:12:36that I want you to talk about
00:12:37as it pertains to vulnerability.
00:12:39One,
00:12:39being a new father
00:12:40and some of the concerns
00:12:41that you may have
00:12:43with regards to that.
00:12:44And also,
00:12:45being an influencer.
00:12:47You know,
00:12:48what you do,
00:12:48you're opening yourself
00:12:50a lot of times
00:12:51to people
00:12:51in disagreement,
00:12:53but very vocal disagreement.
00:12:55Yeah,
00:12:55and trolls
00:12:56and haters
00:12:57and this and that.
00:12:58You have to make
00:12:58a very clear decision
00:12:59if you're putting yourself
00:13:00in the public's eye
00:13:02to,
00:13:03I mean,
00:13:03you better come in there
00:13:04and plenty of people don't.
00:13:05You better come in
00:13:06with thick skin
00:13:06on your back
00:13:07and that kind of thing
00:13:07because if you can't
00:13:08take that licks
00:13:09and put things
00:13:09into perspective,
00:13:10you're in for a bad time.
00:13:12Because,
00:13:13Alan,
00:13:13that is actually
00:13:14the definition
00:13:14of vulnerability.
00:13:16Vulnerability means
00:13:17putting yourself
00:13:17in a position
00:13:18of possible danger
00:13:20and harm.
00:13:21That's exactly,
00:13:21that's what vulnerability means.
00:13:22So once in the public eye,
00:13:25the public view,
00:13:25where somebody could,
00:13:26anybody could type a comment,
00:13:28anybody could say
00:13:29what they want.
00:13:29You're putting yourself
00:13:30in that vulnerable position.
00:13:32In fact,
00:13:32people will constantly,
00:13:34frequently,
00:13:35and I mean,
00:13:36me as a content creator
00:13:38slash whatever influencer,
00:13:40I'm much more
00:13:41of a neutral one,
00:13:42mostly positive
00:13:43compared to some
00:13:43of the other people
00:13:44out there.
00:13:44And even me,
00:13:46I get quite like attacked
00:13:47and it's not even
00:13:48within reason.
00:13:49Sometimes people
00:13:50set up and come after you
00:13:51just because
00:13:52that's their intention.
00:13:53They don't actually
00:13:54have a problem
00:13:55with anything.
00:13:55They might have
00:13:56their own problem in life
00:13:57and social media
00:13:58is an easy outlet
00:13:59to target
00:14:00or vent
00:14:01or be racist
00:14:03or be whatever
00:14:03to somebody
00:14:04without too much
00:14:05repercussion.
00:14:06Yeah.
00:14:08Cyber bullies.
00:14:08Cyber bullies,
00:14:09anything,
00:14:10anything,
00:14:10Bacchanal,
00:14:11anything.
00:14:11And you know,
00:14:11in Trinidad,
00:14:12we like that plenty.
00:14:13Before we move forward,
00:14:14I just want to touch on
00:14:15something you said as well too.
00:14:16Coming back to the,
00:14:18is it like okay
00:14:20to be overly emotional
00:14:21in front of women,
00:14:21especially women
00:14:22who depend on you
00:14:24or your wife
00:14:24and that kind of stuff?
00:14:26And the answer is not no,
00:14:27but you're absolutely right
00:14:29is that in this society
00:14:30today,
00:14:31you hear a lot of
00:14:31that being repeated.
00:14:34Men need to be more
00:14:35in touch with their
00:14:36feminine side
00:14:36or men need to cry
00:14:37more or whatever.
00:14:38But if you're really,
00:14:40at least from my experience
00:14:42or from what I could see,
00:14:43even if my wife
00:14:44were to watch me
00:14:45in my face
00:14:45and tell me
00:14:46it's okay for you
00:14:47to be vulnerable
00:14:47and cry in front of me,
00:14:49I was like,
00:14:49I don't think you believe that
00:14:50because the day
00:14:50that it plays it
00:14:52to your hands,
00:14:53you're going to tell me
00:14:53I'm a little
00:14:54at that point,
00:14:57but in her mind,
00:14:59that is going to trigger
00:15:01like she might even
00:15:02understand why
00:15:03all of a sudden.
00:15:04It's primal.
00:15:05Correct.
00:15:06Exactly.
00:15:07And you hear things
00:15:07like toxic masculinity
00:15:08and women say
00:15:09all the time
00:15:09is when a man
00:15:10isn't being manly enough
00:15:11or meeting her needs
00:15:13and she goes
00:15:13into survivor mode
00:15:14is when it triggers
00:15:16this need
00:15:16to now compensate
00:15:18and who's to say
00:15:19when she sees that
00:15:20it's like,
00:15:20wait,
00:15:21is this man
00:15:21going to really be
00:15:22in that moment
00:15:23that I need him,
00:15:24that strength
00:15:25and that pillar
00:15:25and again,
00:15:26there's a difference
00:15:28between conscious
00:15:28and subconscious
00:15:29but I want us
00:15:31to talk more about it
00:15:31in the,
00:15:32you know,
00:15:32we need to go to a break
00:15:33but before we go to the break
00:15:34I really wanted you to,
00:15:36we spoke more
00:15:37about the influencer
00:15:38side of things
00:15:38but what about the vulnerability
00:15:39as a new father?
00:15:41So,
00:15:42I mean,
00:15:43I hope you have
00:15:44five more hours
00:15:45to tackle
00:15:45if you want to get
00:15:46a father,
00:15:46I think.
00:15:47I'll start by saying this
00:15:48because I've told this
00:15:49to a few friends
00:15:50repeatedly
00:15:51since I became a father.
00:15:53I am a man
00:15:54who came up
00:15:55with no set,
00:15:56I don't,
00:15:57I'm luckily
00:15:57not have too much
00:15:58mental health issues,
00:16:00I don't really have
00:16:00no set of anxiety,
00:16:01I'm very weather
00:16:02when it comes to life,
00:16:03you know,
00:16:03which is good
00:16:04because it helps you
00:16:05beat off all life's problems
00:16:06most of the time,
00:16:07not that I don't have any
00:16:08but from the time,
00:16:10in fact,
00:16:11before my son was born,
00:16:13pregnancy hit me,
00:16:14a good slap in the face
00:16:15and all the,
00:16:16like worry was born
00:16:17within me.
00:16:18Will my child be okay?
00:16:19Is my wife going to be okay?
00:16:22Is she going to survive
00:16:22the pregnancy?
00:16:23All of a sudden,
00:16:23these problems I never had
00:16:24came.
00:16:25Ten fingers,
00:16:26ten toes,
00:16:26as you say.
00:16:27Yeah,
00:16:27healthy baby.
00:16:28And then I was like,
00:16:29cool,
00:16:29the baby born,
00:16:30great.
00:16:31Well,
00:16:31one time,
00:16:32more anxiety
00:16:33because now every single day
00:16:35I want my son
00:16:37to grow up okay,
00:16:38I hope he don't choke
00:16:39on the food,
00:16:40I hope,
00:16:40right now I talk to you
00:16:41and I hope
00:16:42everything cool at home
00:16:43because there's nothing
00:16:44more critical
00:16:46than him
00:16:47and his life now
00:16:48and there's nothing
00:16:49I fear more
00:16:50than anything
00:16:51going wrong with my son
00:16:52because it is,
00:16:53that will destroy me
00:16:55personally,
00:16:56like I don't know
00:16:57what I'll do,
00:16:58you know,
00:16:58and I tell my wife
00:17:00all the time,
00:17:00it's a little bit of joke
00:17:01but a lot of truth
00:17:02can be said in jest
00:17:03sometimes
00:17:04and she feels the same way
00:17:04and I'll say it to the camera
00:17:05right now
00:17:06because she's probably
00:17:06watching this,
00:17:07is,
00:17:08I love my wife,
00:17:10I love my family
00:17:11but you don't know nothing
00:17:12like when you love your child
00:17:14and I know my wife
00:17:15loved that child more than me
00:17:16and I understand 100%,
00:17:18you know,
00:17:18because you can't love
00:17:19nothing more than
00:17:20something you've created
00:17:20that is born into your life,
00:17:22you know,
00:17:23different love.
00:17:24So,
00:17:24I want us to talk
00:17:26more about that
00:17:27because I have,
00:17:27I have something
00:17:29that I want to share
00:17:30with you
00:17:31and of course
00:17:31our listeners
00:17:32and audience
00:17:33about what somebody said
00:17:35with regards to
00:17:35where the child
00:17:36fits into your life
00:17:37even though you can't help it
00:17:38but,
00:17:39you know,
00:17:39I really appreciate
00:17:40the vulnerability gents
00:17:41that we're sharing here
00:17:42this morning.
00:17:44So,
00:17:44this is manhood,
00:17:45we're taking a short break
00:17:46and we'll come back
00:17:47we're discussing vulnerability.
00:18:00Alright guys,
00:18:01welcome back to manhood
00:18:02and we're talking about
00:18:02vulnerability today
00:18:03but before we dive back
00:18:05into everything
00:18:05I want to just say
00:18:07something that comes up
00:18:08all the time
00:18:09on social media
00:18:09it's come up here as well too
00:18:11so I want to address it
00:18:12in front of everybody now.
00:18:13the topic of
00:18:15influencers
00:18:16but I'm not going to
00:18:17talk about influencers
00:18:18I'm talking about me
00:18:18because I can't speak
00:18:19on behalf of anybody else ever.
00:18:21Right?
00:18:22There's always this
00:18:23accusation online
00:18:24of people being liars
00:18:27and getting paid
00:18:28to lie to the public
00:18:29about products
00:18:30and businesses
00:18:31because of course
00:18:32as an influencer
00:18:32you go and you recommend
00:18:33things to people
00:18:34and people always say
00:18:36well obviously
00:18:37they're taking money
00:18:37and they go say whatever
00:18:38and then that person
00:18:40might check it
00:18:40and they have
00:18:41a bad experience
00:18:42you know
00:18:43and they come back to you
00:18:45like you's a big liar now
00:18:46as if we all live
00:18:47the same experience
00:18:48every time
00:18:48if you go to a pizza
00:18:49one day
00:18:50and I go to the same pizza
00:18:51and it tastes better to me
00:18:52the next day
00:18:53how I going to tell you
00:18:53you use a liar
00:18:54that you own
00:18:55wasn't bad or good
00:18:56you know
00:18:56but anyway
00:18:57to answer you
00:18:58the viewers
00:18:59and everybody in this room
00:19:00how I operate
00:19:02because they tell me
00:19:03I don't ever really
00:19:04put up nothing negative
00:19:05now I'm not a food critic
00:19:06I don't go in to tell you
00:19:08whether the food lacks salt
00:19:09or anything like that
00:19:10I'm a very easy going person
00:19:12I like most food
00:19:13and how it works
00:19:15is like this
00:19:15when people reach out for me
00:19:17to do an advertisement
00:19:18let's say they own a pizza place
00:19:20and of course
00:19:21money is going to pass
00:19:22because I use my following
00:19:23to help people market
00:19:24I need money to pay my rent
00:19:26and my bills
00:19:27and feed my child everything
00:19:28this is not a free will
00:19:29right
00:19:29so that's the first thing
00:19:31but Alan
00:19:32how can you take money
00:19:33and then be honest
00:19:34about something
00:19:35well first of all
00:19:36I vet the place
00:19:37that is hiring me
00:19:38in advance
00:19:39I check out their social media
00:19:40I see what's going on
00:19:41beforehand
00:19:42to make sure that
00:19:43first of all
00:19:43they're looking up the standard
00:19:44secondly I go in there
00:19:46and the owners
00:19:47or whoever I'm dealing with
00:19:48know in advance
00:19:49that when I go to eat this food
00:19:51or whatever it is
00:19:52if it is
00:19:53there's a problem
00:19:55I get sick
00:19:55it's really terrible
00:19:57there's something horrible
00:19:57about it
00:19:58you keep taking back your money
00:20:00no video getting posts
00:20:01we wash our hands of it
00:20:02end of story
00:20:02it's very simple
00:20:03yes money is important
00:20:06in life
00:20:06but I'm not so desperate
00:20:07for money
00:20:07that I have to put out
00:20:08a video stating
00:20:10that something that made me
00:20:11throw up or sick
00:20:12is good
00:20:13just because I've got
00:20:13cash in my pocket
00:20:14you know
00:20:15so that's a real good point
00:20:17Alan
00:20:17so for everybody to understand
00:20:20you've decided
00:20:21listen
00:20:22you want to put out
00:20:22things that are positive
00:20:23and uplifting
00:20:24and therefore
00:20:25even though
00:20:26we all need money
00:20:28right
00:20:28you've decided
00:20:29that listen
00:20:30so it's not a case of
00:20:31that you only put out
00:20:33whatever you get paid for
00:20:35is a positive message
00:20:36it's like
00:20:36even if you get paid
00:20:37and the review isn't good
00:20:39or something happens
00:20:40you simply
00:20:41give back the money
00:20:42and you move along
00:20:43you move along
00:20:44so it's not like
00:20:45you never have bad experiences
00:20:46you just don't take money
00:20:48or you decide
00:20:48I'm not going to post this
00:20:50and you give back the money
00:20:51for that
00:20:52so it's not like
00:20:53anybody could come
00:20:54like there might be a burger
00:20:55that you don't like
00:20:55so it's not like
00:20:56I can pay you
00:20:57to come and review that burger
00:20:58and then you don't like it
00:21:00and then you post
00:21:01and you say it's good
00:21:01it's a matter of honesty
00:21:03vulnerability
00:21:04well
00:21:05the thing is
00:21:06the fact
00:21:07that Alan
00:21:08even have to explain this
00:21:10shows that
00:21:11vulnerability
00:21:13is not even
00:21:14appreciated
00:21:16in the society
00:21:17people ask for it
00:21:19but then it's not
00:21:20reciprocated
00:21:21in a positive manner
00:21:23because
00:21:24social media
00:21:26how
00:21:26each person
00:21:27have their own account
00:21:28right
00:21:29you could run
00:21:30your social media
00:21:30however you want
00:21:32exactly
00:21:32right
00:21:32in theory
00:21:33right
00:21:33you know
00:21:34here it's in theory
00:21:35yeah
00:21:35but
00:21:36people
00:21:37want you
00:21:38to run your social media
00:21:39the way dating
00:21:40should
00:21:41and when you be vulnerable
00:21:42vulnerable
00:21:42I mean I do
00:21:43do whatever I feel to do
00:21:44I you know
00:21:45whatever brings me joy
00:21:46whatever
00:21:47whether it is
00:21:48whether it is food
00:21:49whether it is
00:21:50I walk in
00:21:51down the road
00:21:51with my dog
00:21:52wherever it is
00:21:53you have a choice
00:21:55to do it
00:21:56but
00:21:56people don't
00:21:58don't
00:21:59revere the vulnerability
00:22:00so now
00:22:01and this is where
00:22:02sometimes even as a man
00:22:03it becomes
00:22:04kind of oxymoronic
00:22:06right
00:22:07because
00:22:08I want to be vulnerable
00:22:09but I'm not
00:22:10rewarded for it
00:22:11that is one
00:22:12and then two
00:22:13I remember
00:22:13a cousin of mine
00:22:15who
00:22:15he does neuroscience
00:22:17right
00:22:18and we were discussing
00:22:19the difference
00:22:20between men
00:22:20and women
00:22:21and
00:22:21and
00:22:21emotions
00:22:22and
00:22:23he was saying
00:22:24after doing research
00:22:26that
00:22:26it's not that men
00:22:27don't feel emotions
00:22:28it's that
00:22:29the reward system
00:22:30of our brain
00:22:31is different
00:22:32for emotions
00:22:32so when a woman
00:22:34expresses an emotion
00:22:35the brain rewards her
00:22:37for doing it
00:22:38but when a man does it
00:22:40it's a different kind
00:22:41of reward
00:22:42we are not as rewarded
00:22:43for it
00:22:43I think I've seen it
00:22:44correct if I'm not
00:22:45seen it correct
00:22:46don't get vexed
00:22:47but I understood it
00:22:49because
00:22:49even when you said
00:22:50I went on cry
00:22:52afterwards
00:22:53and that felt good
00:22:54because many times
00:22:55I'm okay with crying
00:22:56but
00:22:57I sometimes
00:22:57I prefer to do it
00:22:58after
00:22:59it's time to myself
00:23:00it's not even
00:23:00I want to hide
00:23:01from anybody
00:23:02it's just
00:23:02at the moment
00:23:03it is not rewarding
00:23:05for me to break down
00:23:06in front
00:23:07if I need to be strong
00:23:08for my grandmother
00:23:09or my whoever
00:23:09even sometimes
00:23:10my client
00:23:11and I'll give you
00:23:11a quick story
00:23:12I remember
00:23:13I remember
00:23:14there was a client
00:23:15I had
00:23:15female
00:23:16and she experienced
00:23:18multiple rapes
00:23:19and when she
00:23:21told me
00:23:21some of the stories
00:23:22listen
00:23:22it was breaking
00:23:24my heart
00:23:24and I was feeling
00:23:26sad
00:23:27I was feeling
00:23:27angry
00:23:28I was feeling
00:23:28a lot of things
00:23:29and I felt
00:23:30tears coming
00:23:31but in the moment
00:23:33I was like
00:23:33this is not
00:23:35valuable
00:23:36this is my opinion
00:23:37it may have been
00:23:38but it's my opinion
00:23:39and when she finished
00:23:41close to the end
00:23:42of the session
00:23:42she said
00:23:43she said
00:23:43this may sound bad
00:23:47but
00:23:48I went to a therapist
00:23:50before
00:23:51and that person
00:23:53shed tears
00:23:54and even cried
00:23:55at some of my stories
00:23:56and
00:23:57that didn't help me
00:23:59you know
00:23:59she said that
00:24:00she said
00:24:00I'm glad
00:24:01she said
00:24:01I don't know
00:24:02how you're feeling
00:24:02but I'm glad
00:24:03you didn't break down
00:24:04and I was like
00:24:06that's counter to
00:24:08what
00:24:08I've heard
00:24:09women say
00:24:10now of course
00:24:10this is one woman
00:24:11she can't speak
00:24:12for all women
00:24:13but when she left
00:24:14I understood it
00:24:15I understood
00:24:16in many situations
00:24:18the role of a man
00:24:19in many situations
00:24:20is to be strong
00:24:21but you can be vulnerable
00:24:23after
00:24:24and this is what
00:24:26I've encountered
00:24:27in the research
00:24:28many women
00:24:29prefer to be vulnerable
00:24:30after the fact
00:24:31so when this thing
00:24:32happens
00:24:32you have to stay
00:24:33stoic
00:24:34like a rock
00:24:35but if you come
00:24:35and say
00:24:36maybe an hour
00:24:36two hours
00:24:37the next day
00:24:37you know
00:24:38baby
00:24:38I make me real sad
00:24:40but you say
00:24:40that is more appreciated
00:24:42than you emoting
00:24:45in the moment
00:24:45so you mentioned
00:24:47something that I wanted
00:24:48to just for clarification
00:24:49when you said
00:24:49about to be oxymoronic
00:24:51is it that
00:24:52because vulnerability
00:24:53based on the meaning
00:24:55that you expressed
00:24:56earlier
00:24:57would be that
00:24:58you are leaving
00:24:59yourself open
00:25:00to criticism
00:25:02and not necessarily
00:25:05being okay with that
00:25:05but you're putting
00:25:06yourself in a situation
00:25:07that you know
00:25:07is not known
00:25:09to be a safe
00:25:10space
00:25:10or the possibility
00:25:11of not being safe
00:25:12or the possibility
00:25:13of not being safe
00:25:14so if
00:25:16you're expecting
00:25:17reward
00:25:17then
00:25:19are you really
00:25:20being vulnerable
00:25:21because
00:25:21if you have
00:25:23an expectation
00:25:24of some sort
00:25:25of reward
00:25:25or some sort
00:25:26of
00:25:27you know
00:25:29it's like
00:25:30you're expecting
00:25:30that safe space
00:25:31no
00:25:32the reward
00:25:33is
00:25:33is
00:25:34is
00:25:36brain
00:25:37is based
00:25:38on biology
00:25:38so let me explain
00:25:39you know we have
00:25:40now it's slipping
00:25:41our mind
00:25:42we have
00:25:42hormones
00:25:43and chemicals
00:25:44in our body
00:25:45that give us
00:25:46reward
00:25:46so you know
00:25:47we know dopamine
00:25:47do something
00:25:48right
00:25:48so think about
00:25:50it like
00:25:50like this
00:25:51when
00:25:51when a female
00:25:52cries
00:25:53and not
00:25:54exact
00:25:55but I just
00:25:56give an example
00:25:56when a female
00:25:57cries
00:25:58she's
00:25:59rewarded
00:26:00with a lot
00:26:01of dopamine
00:26:01to feel good
00:26:02when a man
00:26:03does
00:26:03we are not
00:26:03this is
00:26:04biologically
00:26:04right
00:26:05so then I'm
00:26:06coming down
00:26:06to
00:26:07it may be
00:26:08perceived
00:26:08vulnerability
00:26:09right
00:26:10but is it
00:26:11really
00:26:11to the core
00:26:13being vulnerable
00:26:14because if
00:26:14she's crying
00:26:15she's expressing
00:26:16she's
00:26:16what we then
00:26:17perceive as
00:26:18okay well
00:26:18she's being
00:26:18vulnerable
00:26:19at this point
00:26:19but to her
00:26:20she's just
00:26:20crying
00:26:21if she knows
00:26:22that the
00:26:22result
00:26:23or the
00:26:23dopamine
00:26:24is going
00:26:25to kick
00:26:25in
00:26:25and she's
00:26:26going to
00:26:26feel good
00:26:27that's
00:26:27a learned
00:26:28experience
00:26:28and also
00:26:30the reaction
00:26:30that she might
00:26:31get from
00:26:31someone is
00:26:32to know
00:26:32that if
00:26:32I break
00:26:32down
00:26:33cry here
00:26:33now
00:26:33or me
00:26:34crying
00:26:34it's a
00:26:35safe space
00:26:36because if
00:26:36I cry
00:26:36he's going
00:26:37to console
00:26:37me
00:26:37so it's
00:26:38not them
00:26:39being vulnerable
00:26:40because they're
00:26:41not exposing
00:26:42themselves
00:26:43so you're
00:26:43saying
00:26:43because
00:26:44of learned
00:26:46behavior
00:26:46they know
00:26:47it's safe
00:26:47then they're
00:26:48not really
00:26:48being vulnerable
00:26:49okay
00:26:49alright
00:26:50it's full
00:26:51vulnerability
00:26:52if there's
00:26:53such a term
00:26:53right
00:26:54vulnerability
00:26:55at the core
00:26:55which is what
00:26:56we're discussing
00:26:56like here
00:26:57in this
00:26:57particular
00:26:58context
00:26:59is where
00:27:00you're truly
00:27:01out of
00:27:03control
00:27:04of what
00:27:05is happening
00:27:06and you're
00:27:06just like
00:27:06listen
00:27:07I have
00:27:08reached my
00:27:10tether with
00:27:10this
00:27:10and I am
00:27:11breaking
00:27:12on crying
00:27:12and let
00:27:14the chips
00:27:14fall where
00:27:14they may
00:27:15or in
00:27:16Alan's case
00:27:16you know
00:27:17you put
00:27:17something out
00:27:18there
00:27:18and you
00:27:18don't know
00:27:19what the
00:27:20response is
00:27:20going to be
00:27:21but you're
00:27:22okay with it
00:27:22because of
00:27:23where you're
00:27:23centered
00:27:23and that
00:27:25in itself
00:27:25is vulnerability
00:27:26but we can
00:27:27also in
00:27:28certain cases
00:27:28we can also
00:27:29tie that in
00:27:30with a certain
00:27:31amount of
00:27:31ego
00:27:31where you
00:27:32could be
00:27:32like I
00:27:32simply just
00:27:33don't give a
00:27:33what people
00:27:35think
00:27:36and therefore
00:27:36definitely me there
00:27:37to an extent
00:27:38to an extent
00:27:39but even in
00:27:41that then
00:27:41again is it
00:27:42to the core
00:27:43vulnerability
00:27:44because if you
00:27:44don't give a
00:27:45what somebody
00:27:46thinks
00:27:47that could still
00:27:47be vulnerable
00:27:48because if you're
00:27:48going with the
00:27:49dictionary meaning
00:27:50not vulnerable
00:27:50even though I
00:27:51don't care
00:27:52what nobody
00:27:52thinks
00:27:52it's still
00:27:53very possible
00:27:54I still open
00:27:54myself to the
00:27:55criticism
00:27:56even though
00:27:57it may not
00:27:58bother me
00:27:58so therefore
00:27:59at that point
00:28:00it's simply
00:28:00I'm putting
00:28:01this out there
00:28:02it might be
00:28:03perceived again
00:28:04perceived vulnerability
00:28:05like wow
00:28:06look he's exposing
00:28:06you see what
00:28:08you're doing there
00:28:08Robert
00:28:08that's what I
00:28:09realized
00:28:10that when we
00:28:11have these
00:28:12words
00:28:13they are
00:28:14the literal
00:28:15meaning of
00:28:15the words
00:28:16and then there's
00:28:16the human
00:28:17meaning and the
00:28:18dynamics that
00:28:18people put on
00:28:19it
00:28:19and even
00:28:20doing the
00:28:21research on
00:28:21vulnerability
00:28:22so this
00:28:23morning
00:28:24I
00:28:24and this
00:28:25is all
00:28:26happenstance
00:28:26stumble upon
00:28:27a video
00:28:28on vulnerability
00:28:29and from a
00:28:30psychologist I
00:28:31follow and he
00:28:31was saying that
00:28:32many men make
00:28:33the mistake
00:28:34and talk about
00:28:35their feelings
00:28:36and their
00:28:37shortcomings
00:28:37and everything
00:28:38that's wrong
00:28:39with them
00:28:39to a woman
00:28:40and call it
00:28:41vulnerability
00:28:42whereas you're
00:28:43just and hoping
00:28:44that this person
00:28:45accepts you for
00:28:46who you are
00:28:47right and he
00:28:48was saying in
00:28:49that aspect
00:28:49it pedestalizes
00:28:50the person
00:28:51so makes them
00:28:52almost like a
00:28:53god or guru
00:28:54to you which
00:28:55you put that
00:28:56person above
00:28:56you which of
00:28:57course now opens
00:28:58you to a whole
00:28:59different kind of
00:29:00dynamics
00:29:00right
00:29:01vulnerability is very
00:29:02similar to exposing
00:29:03so he was saying
00:29:04that's not necessarily
00:29:05vulnerability
00:29:06vulnerability
00:29:07that's just
00:29:08asking somebody
00:29:09for forgiveness
00:29:10asking somebody
00:29:11to accept you
00:29:12versus
00:29:13saying your truth
00:29:14right
00:29:15exactly
00:29:16saying the truth
00:29:17and then
00:29:18let it lie
00:29:19so
00:29:19that
00:29:20that
00:29:20that was a
00:29:22mind-blowing thing
00:29:23for me because
00:29:23people who told me
00:29:25about vulnerability
00:29:26in most cases
00:29:27especially male to
00:29:28female
00:29:28is you know
00:29:30how to tell you
00:29:30what was wrong
00:29:31with me
00:29:31you know
00:29:31I was feeling
00:29:32bad
00:29:32and things
00:29:33versus
00:29:33just or
00:29:34saying something
00:29:35like
00:29:35I'm angry
00:29:37right now
00:29:37because that's
00:29:38vulnerability
00:29:39also
00:29:39you just coined
00:29:41it there for me
00:29:41so when we talk
00:29:42about vulnerability
00:29:43in a full context
00:29:45whether it be
00:29:45weakness
00:29:46whether it be
00:29:46strength
00:29:47whatever it is
00:29:48it is simply
00:29:49living your truth
00:29:50so whatever is
00:29:52true to you
00:29:52at that moment
00:29:53is being
00:29:54true to yourself
00:29:56and being honest
00:29:57enough to be able
00:29:57to express that
00:29:58and if everyone
00:29:59lived that way
00:30:01then there would
00:30:02really be no
00:30:02vulnerability
00:30:03it would just be
00:30:04simply well
00:30:04this is how I'm
00:30:05feeling
00:30:05you'll just be
00:30:07being you
00:30:07what you said
00:30:08interestingly earlier
00:30:09what you mentioned
00:30:10both you
00:30:10touched on it
00:30:12is that
00:30:13people I guess
00:30:14and women
00:30:14being vulnerable
00:30:15for reward systems
00:30:16or dopamine
00:30:17or even internal
00:30:18things that you're
00:30:18not necessarily
00:30:19looking for a reward
00:30:20but you're conditioned
00:30:21in your mind
00:30:22that when you act
00:30:23a certain way
00:30:23or you may feel
00:30:24a certain way
00:30:25and men may not
00:30:26have that
00:30:26because we are
00:30:27conditioned differently
00:30:28but I think
00:30:29it could even go
00:30:30further on
00:30:30beyond a reward
00:30:31system
00:30:32there may even
00:30:33be a penalty
00:30:34system for men
00:30:35being too vulnerable
00:30:36because not only
00:30:37may I not be
00:30:38rewarded
00:30:38but I may
00:30:40incur problems
00:30:41from being too
00:30:42vulnerable
00:30:42let's say for my
00:30:43wife where
00:30:43you know
00:30:44she could tell me
00:30:45to my face
00:30:45that oh it's good
00:30:47when you are
00:30:48open with me
00:30:48or whatever
00:30:48but then all of
00:30:49a sudden
00:30:49in her mind
00:30:50that man is
00:30:52less attractive
00:30:52to me now
00:30:53because he's
00:30:53not a man
00:30:54you know
00:30:55and there's
00:30:56nothing
00:30:56it is a very
00:30:58simple
00:30:58not complex
00:31:00thing to say
00:31:01and people
00:31:01rip it apart
00:31:02in today's
00:31:03society
00:31:03but just saying
00:31:04things like
00:31:05man up
00:31:06or be a man
00:31:07you can
00:31:07differ on
00:31:08what that
00:31:08might actually
00:31:09mean
00:31:09but there is
00:31:10definitely
00:31:10something to
00:31:11being a man
00:31:12and being a
00:31:13woman
00:31:13correct
00:31:14and it is
00:31:15okay to be
00:31:16manly
00:31:16whatever we
00:31:17determine that
00:31:18to be
00:31:18if you take
00:31:19it back to
00:31:20our most
00:31:21base primal
00:31:23like evolution
00:31:24or whatever it
00:31:25is you want to
00:31:25call it
00:31:26there's definitely
00:31:27differences in
00:31:28being a man
00:31:29and a woman
00:31:29and for sure
00:31:30there's
00:31:31situations you
00:31:32could put
00:31:33yourself into
00:31:33by expressing
00:31:34too much
00:31:35or moving
00:31:35in a certain
00:31:36way
00:31:36that the
00:31:36average woman
00:31:37will definitely
00:31:38even if they
00:31:38don't tell you
00:31:39to your face
00:31:39may see you
00:31:40as not as
00:31:41fit to be
00:31:43a part
00:31:43or not as
00:31:44sexually attractive
00:31:45just because
00:31:46you're acting
00:31:46too much like
00:31:47them
00:31:47correct
00:31:48now we use
00:31:49you said
00:31:50words like
00:31:50manly and
00:31:50so what's
00:31:51your definition
00:31:51of a man
00:31:52ah well
00:31:54somebody's a penis
00:31:55yeah no well
00:31:57I mean
00:31:57definition of
00:31:58yes that is
00:31:59that is my
00:31:59definition of a man
00:32:00you were born
00:32:02barring anomalies
00:32:04and exceptions
00:32:05of people born
00:32:05with two genders
00:32:06or no gender
00:32:07or something
00:32:07that is not
00:32:08usual
00:32:09but yes
00:32:10you were born
00:32:12to your parent
00:32:13and you came out
00:32:13with a penis
00:32:14or vagina
00:32:15you are
00:32:16as such
00:32:17so to you
00:32:18there's no
00:32:18difference between
00:32:19man things
00:32:20and women things
00:32:21because even
00:32:22when we use the
00:32:23word about
00:32:23get in touch
00:32:24with your feminine
00:32:24side
00:32:25you know
00:32:25what is that
00:32:27what is your
00:32:28feminine side
00:32:28because if I'm
00:32:29getting in touch
00:32:30with my emotion
00:32:31right and I
00:32:32want to cry
00:32:32does that mean
00:32:33that that's a
00:32:34feminine side
00:32:35of me
00:32:35or is that
00:32:36simply part
00:32:37of being a
00:32:37man part
00:32:38of being a
00:32:38human part
00:32:39of expressing
00:32:40but yet still
00:32:41it's another
00:32:42term
00:32:42you see
00:32:42I need to
00:32:44get more
00:32:44in touch
00:32:44with my
00:32:45feminine
00:32:45side
00:32:45as if
00:32:45that's
00:32:46some sort
00:32:46of trait
00:32:47of weakness
00:32:48you know
00:32:49sometimes
00:32:49humans
00:32:50as an evolved
00:32:50species
00:32:51we just
00:32:51term
00:32:51everything
00:32:52and we
00:32:52have to
00:32:52create
00:32:53language
00:32:53and words
00:32:53and therefore
00:32:54we label
00:32:54everything
00:32:55which
00:32:56me thinking
00:32:57about
00:32:57is
00:32:58all of
00:32:58these
00:32:58terms
00:32:59and labels
00:32:59could really
00:33:00be just
00:33:01dotishness
00:33:01now
00:33:01why I
00:33:02say that
00:33:03because
00:33:03if everybody
00:33:05in the world
00:33:05had one
00:33:06standard
00:33:06we say
00:33:07vulnerability
00:33:07every single
00:33:08person in the world
00:33:09will know
00:33:10what that means
00:33:10and set the
00:33:11standard
00:33:11then okay
00:33:12but if
00:33:13vulnerability
00:33:13in Port of
00:33:15Spain
00:33:15could be
00:33:16different
00:33:16to vulnerability
00:33:17in San
00:33:17Fernando
00:33:18to Guyana
00:33:19to the US
00:33:20to
00:33:20then all
00:33:21of these
00:33:22terms
00:33:22really
00:33:23leaves open
00:33:25us to be
00:33:25confused
00:33:26and of
00:33:27course
00:33:27now
00:33:27because
00:33:28the world
00:33:28is smaller
00:33:29meaning
00:33:30in terms
00:33:30of technology
00:33:31and especially
00:33:31social media
00:33:32because
00:33:32I'm sure
00:33:33we could
00:33:34put in that
00:33:34word
00:33:34vulnerability
00:33:34and get
00:33:35about
00:33:3610
00:33:3620
00:33:3730
00:33:37different
00:33:38interpretations
00:33:39of it
00:33:40and then
00:33:40okay
00:33:41this one
00:33:41resonates with me
00:33:42now
00:33:42and an hour
00:33:42later
00:33:43the next
00:33:43one
00:33:43resonates
00:33:43with me
00:33:44and at the end
00:33:44of the day
00:33:44when you ask
00:33:45the person
00:33:45what is
00:33:45vulnerability
00:33:46they don't
00:33:47know
00:33:47also
00:33:48we live
00:33:48in a society
00:33:49now
00:33:49when you
00:33:50search
00:33:50those 30
00:33:50different
00:33:51terms
00:33:51of it
00:33:51you'll find
00:33:5230 million
00:33:53different people
00:33:53who might
00:33:54fight it
00:33:56what you
00:34:00look for
00:34:00is what
00:34:01you'll find
00:34:01so in
00:34:02the same
00:34:02way
00:34:03if you
00:34:03are
00:34:03for example
00:34:04in the
00:34:04United
00:34:05States
00:34:05if you
00:34:05are
00:34:05particularly
00:34:06inclined
00:34:06to say
00:34:07the
00:34:07Democrats
00:34:07you might
00:34:08watch a
00:34:08particular
00:34:09station
00:34:10you might
00:34:10look at
00:34:10certain
00:34:11talk shows
00:34:12etc
00:34:12if you're
00:34:12inclined
00:34:13to
00:34:13the
00:34:14views
00:34:15of the
00:34:15Republicans
00:34:16you're
00:34:16going to
00:34:16look at
00:34:16particular
00:34:17views
00:34:17and that
00:34:18so therefore
00:34:18it's the
00:34:19same thing
00:34:19when you're
00:34:19searching
00:34:20for something
00:34:20I could
00:34:21take
00:34:21any
00:34:21viewpoint
00:34:21and if
00:34:22I search
00:34:22enough
00:34:22I'm going
00:34:23to come
00:34:23up with
00:34:23some
00:34:23article
00:34:24it might
00:34:26but to
00:34:26come
00:34:26and say
00:34:27hey look
00:34:27somebody
00:34:28shared
00:34:28this
00:34:29and felt
00:34:29a particular
00:34:30way
00:34:30but I
00:34:31know we
00:34:31need to
00:34:32go to
00:34:32a break
00:34:32but at
00:34:34the same
00:34:34time
00:34:35you said
00:34:37something
00:34:37earlier
00:34:38where you
00:34:38said about
00:34:39how you
00:34:40feel about
00:34:40your son
00:34:41now
00:34:41and how
00:34:42your wife
00:34:43feels about
00:34:44the son
00:34:44the most
00:34:45important
00:34:45thing in
00:34:46the world
00:34:46right
00:34:47it's
00:34:48interesting
00:34:48because
00:34:49in
00:34:50conversations
00:34:51that we've
00:34:51had here
00:34:52on manhood
00:34:52and research
00:34:53that we've
00:34:53done
00:34:54there are
00:34:54different
00:34:54viewpoints
00:34:55as we're
00:34:56now speaking
00:34:56about
00:34:56with regards
00:34:57to that
00:34:57so you
00:34:58know
00:34:58those
00:34:58religious
00:34:59beliefs
00:34:59I mean
00:34:59I
00:35:00God
00:35:01is
00:35:01for me
00:35:01I know
00:35:02God is
00:35:02the boss
00:35:03and everybody
00:35:03else just
00:35:04pretending
00:35:04right
00:35:05and so
00:35:06it's God
00:35:06first
00:35:07you're supposed
00:35:08to then love
00:35:09yourself
00:35:09notice I said
00:35:10supposed to
00:35:11because not
00:35:11everybody feels
00:35:12that way
00:35:12right
00:35:13and then
00:35:14most people
00:35:14will tell
00:35:15you children
00:35:15but you know
00:35:17therapists
00:35:18and you could
00:35:18speak more
00:35:19about this
00:35:19or research
00:35:20would show
00:35:20that if you
00:35:21focus on
00:35:22your relationship
00:35:23your children
00:35:24will be happy
00:35:25and thrive
00:35:26but if you
00:35:26focus on your
00:35:27children
00:35:28right
00:35:28it can lead
00:35:29to problems
00:35:30in your
00:35:30relationship
00:35:30right
00:35:31so there's a
00:35:32there's a
00:35:32certain science
00:35:33behind that
00:35:33so in terms
00:35:34of that love
00:35:35I totally
00:35:36understand
00:35:36where you're
00:35:37coming from
00:35:37because it is
00:35:37unconditional
00:35:38no matter
00:35:39what
00:35:39with your
00:35:40partner
00:35:40it's
00:35:40conditional
00:35:41you know
00:35:41even though
00:35:42you might
00:35:42love them
00:35:42you could
00:35:43say you're
00:35:43in love
00:35:43there's
00:35:44conditions
00:35:45right
00:35:46but your
00:35:46child
00:35:47it's
00:35:47unconditional
00:35:48there's
00:35:48a
00:35:49mass
00:35:51that's
00:35:51removed
00:35:52that you
00:35:52can't even
00:35:53imagine
00:35:53that you're
00:35:54now touching
00:35:54base with
00:35:55with regards
00:35:56to I
00:35:56didn't know
00:35:57this existed
00:35:58right
00:35:58but at the
00:35:59same time
00:36:00we've discussed
00:36:00it already
00:36:01on manhood
00:36:01where
00:36:02not everyone
00:36:03immediately
00:36:04feels that
00:36:04connection
00:36:05and you wonder
00:36:06why
00:36:06but that's
00:36:08a whole
00:36:08you're completely
00:36:09correct
00:36:10and what you
00:36:10said is
00:36:11when my
00:36:12son was
00:36:13born
00:36:13I
00:36:14loved him
00:36:16but if I
00:36:16like I
00:36:17didn't love
00:36:18him
00:36:18like I was
00:36:19telling myself
00:36:20I have to
00:36:21love you
00:36:22so much
00:36:22whereas my
00:36:23wife was
00:36:23already
00:36:24flat out
00:36:24in love
00:36:24in her
00:36:25stomach
00:36:25everything
00:36:25and when
00:36:26he's born
00:36:27but as it
00:36:27went and
00:36:28grew and
00:36:28months passed
00:36:29all of a
00:36:29sudden I'm
00:36:29like wow
00:36:30okay now
00:36:30this again
00:36:30heavy boy
00:36:31you know
00:36:31and when
00:36:32he starts
00:36:32to talk
00:36:33to you
00:36:33and oh
00:36:34god
00:36:34that ain't
00:36:34start yet
00:36:35but
00:36:35and what
00:36:36you just
00:36:36said there
00:36:36too
00:36:36but I
00:36:37did
00:36:37make the
00:36:38comment
00:36:38earlier
00:36:39there's
00:36:39nothing
00:36:40like the
00:36:40love for
00:36:40my son
00:36:41from me
00:36:42my wife
00:36:42and I
00:36:43but I
00:36:44do
00:36:44internally
00:36:44believe
00:36:45first of all
00:36:45that there
00:36:46has to be
00:36:47a heavy
00:36:47focus
00:36:48on a
00:36:48marriage
00:36:48because
00:36:48the marriage
00:36:49is tested
00:36:49with children
00:36:50all the time
00:36:51every day
00:36:51and I
00:36:53think
00:36:53it is
00:36:54somewhat
00:36:55important
00:36:55individually
00:36:56to always
00:36:57be somewhat
00:36:57selfish
00:36:58I think we
00:36:58can't help
00:36:59but be
00:36:59selfish
00:36:59but if
00:37:00you're not
00:37:00loving
00:37:01yourself
00:37:01or you're
00:37:01not happy
00:37:02in life
00:37:02then you
00:37:02can't do
00:37:03nothing
00:37:03for your
00:37:03son and
00:37:03wife
00:37:04anyway
00:37:06selfishly
00:37:06taking care
00:37:07of yourself
00:37:07exactly
00:37:09there's
00:37:09the compromise
00:37:09you can't
00:37:10go full
00:37:11out on
00:37:11yourself
00:37:11all the
00:37:12time
00:37:12but you
00:37:12have to
00:37:12even my
00:37:13wife told
00:37:13me
00:37:13literally
00:37:13yesterday
00:37:14I went
00:37:15to take a
00:37:15surf
00:37:15I ain't
00:37:16surfing a
00:37:16while
00:37:16I was
00:37:16feeling
00:37:17indoors
00:37:17like I'm
00:37:18not doing
00:37:18nothing
00:37:18I was agitated
00:37:19and moody
00:37:20and moving
00:37:20around the
00:37:20house
00:37:21annoying
00:37:21everybody
00:37:22probably
00:37:22and I
00:37:23had to go
00:37:24outside the
00:37:25sunshine
00:37:25I want to
00:37:25go and
00:37:25do activity
00:37:26came home
00:37:28felt great
00:37:28and I was
00:37:29like you
00:37:30know thanks
00:37:30for my
00:37:32wife thank
00:37:32you for
00:37:32not getting
00:37:34on in
00:37:34any kind
00:37:36something
00:37:36and you
00:37:37had to
00:37:37deal with
00:37:38him
00:37:38and do
00:37:39your work
00:37:39for the
00:37:39day
00:37:39and she's
00:37:40like no
00:37:40when you
00:37:42are better
00:37:42person
00:37:42then you're
00:37:43better for
00:37:43us
00:37:43she literally
00:37:44told me
00:37:44that and
00:37:45she told
00:37:45me that
00:37:45multiple
00:37:46times
00:37:46and that
00:37:47is fact
00:37:47some people
00:37:48see it as
00:37:49you're being
00:37:49too selfish
00:37:50for yourself
00:37:50or you're
00:37:51not doing
00:37:52certain
00:37:52things but
00:37:52you really
00:37:53do have
00:37:53to sort
00:37:54yourself
00:37:55before you
00:37:56can really
00:37:56help others
00:37:57or be
00:37:57certain
00:37:58things to
00:37:58others
00:37:58sometimes
00:37:59they always
00:38:00say you
00:38:00can't see
00:38:01the trees
00:38:03inside the
00:38:03forest or
00:38:04you can't
00:38:04see the
00:38:04picture from
00:38:05inside the
00:38:05frame so
00:38:06sometimes you
00:38:07have to take
00:38:07a step
00:38:07back take
00:38:08that moment
00:38:08for yourself
00:38:09of course
00:38:09correct gather
00:38:10your thoughts
00:38:11and then go
00:38:11back in again
00:38:11and engage
00:38:12you know but
00:38:13you aren't
00:38:13saying we
00:38:13need to go
00:38:14to a break
00:38:14but if you
00:38:14could just
00:38:15give us your
00:38:15thoughts
00:38:16your thoughts
00:38:17on that
00:38:17and you
00:38:19know
00:38:19I'm sure
00:38:19give my thoughts
00:38:20now because
00:38:21that's long
00:38:22before the
00:38:22break but
00:38:22I'll give
00:38:23the thought
00:38:23we should
00:38:26love ourselves
00:38:27first
00:38:27right and
00:38:29my wife
00:38:32told me
00:38:33this already
00:38:33she said
00:38:33that love
00:38:35yourself first
00:38:36but not
00:38:36only right
00:38:38and I say
00:38:39that because
00:38:39if men
00:38:40are supposed
00:38:41to be the
00:38:41head of the
00:38:42home we
00:38:43have to be
00:38:43the best
00:38:44for ourselves
00:38:45first because
00:38:45if we have
00:38:46to protect
00:38:46everyone else
00:38:47and then
00:38:47most times
00:38:48yes we could
00:38:49lean maybe
00:38:50on our
00:38:50wives and
00:38:51others for
00:38:52support but
00:38:52most times
00:38:53we are the
00:38:54person being
00:38:55leaned on
00:38:56so we have
00:38:57to make sure
00:38:57we're first
00:38:57and then
00:38:58I agree with
00:38:59you because
00:38:59I've seen it
00:39:00too many times
00:39:00parents are
00:39:02staying together
00:39:03for the
00:39:03children
00:39:03right and
00:39:05of course
00:39:05I've never
00:39:08seen it work
00:39:09I don't know
00:39:10if it ever
00:39:10worked and
00:39:10I don't know
00:39:11if there are
00:39:11stats out there
00:39:12but I've
00:39:12never seen it
00:39:13work versus
00:39:13which I've
00:39:14seen work
00:39:15to people
00:39:15decide
00:39:16this thing
00:39:16not working
00:39:17we're happier
00:39:18separately
00:39:19and beautiful
00:39:21co-parenting
00:39:22now we're
00:39:23putting it
00:39:23that way
00:39:24because
00:39:24even being
00:39:26vulnerable
00:39:26sometimes being
00:39:27vulnerable is
00:39:28saying you
00:39:29know I'm
00:39:29really not
00:39:30happy in
00:39:30this relationship
00:39:31it doesn't
00:39:31mean it
00:39:32have to
00:39:32end but
00:39:33the issue
00:39:34has to be
00:39:35raised which
00:39:35is the
00:39:36vulnerability
00:39:36part so
00:39:37at least we
00:39:37can have
00:39:38the discussion
00:39:38because if
00:39:39I don't
00:39:39know you're
00:39:39not happy
00:39:40then I
00:39:41can't do
00:39:41anything
00:39:42and if
00:39:42I don't
00:39:43know you're
00:39:44not happy
00:39:44we can't do
00:39:45anything about
00:39:45it
00:39:46so even
00:39:46if you're
00:39:47afraid of
00:39:48next thing
00:39:48if I see
00:39:49this boy
00:39:49he or she
00:39:50might leave
00:39:51me or he
00:39:51or she
00:39:52might get
00:39:52angry
00:39:52it's better
00:39:53you be
00:39:54vulnerable
00:39:54it's out
00:39:55there so
00:39:55that you
00:39:56can have
00:39:56even some
00:39:57sort of
00:39:57solution
00:39:58even if
00:39:58it's
00:39:59breakup
00:39:59it might
00:40:00solution
00:40:00if it's
00:40:01not
00:40:01working
00:40:02why
00:40:02stay
00:40:03in
00:40:03miserableness
00:40:04and
00:40:04things
00:40:05that
00:40:05affect
00:40:05the child
00:40:06especially
00:40:07the child
00:40:07and
00:40:08even though
00:40:10some parents
00:40:11say I want
00:40:11to leave my
00:40:12child out of
00:40:12our business
00:40:13if you and
00:40:14your partner
00:40:15are not happy
00:40:15it becomes
00:40:16the child
00:40:17business
00:40:17and let me
00:40:17tell you
00:40:18worse yet
00:40:18if a child
00:40:20don't know
00:40:20what's going
00:40:21on
00:40:21the child
00:40:22is starting
00:40:22to assume
00:40:23things
00:40:23and most
00:40:24times
00:40:24they assume
00:40:25the wrong
00:40:25thing
00:40:26and let
00:40:26me tell
00:40:27you
00:40:2790%
00:40:28of the
00:40:28times
00:40:28somehow
00:40:29the child
00:40:29is blamed
00:40:29themselves
00:40:30something
00:40:31I'm not
00:40:31doing
00:40:31right
00:40:32or
00:40:32it's
00:40:32because
00:40:32of me
00:40:33mommy
00:40:33and daddy
00:40:34so instead
00:40:34of
00:40:35leaving
00:40:35your child
00:40:36to all
00:40:36of those
00:40:37anxious
00:40:37thoughts
00:40:38I'm not saying
00:40:40you have to tell
00:40:40your child
00:40:40exactly husband
00:40:41and wife
00:40:42business
00:40:42but at least
00:40:42you could
00:40:43say well
00:40:43you know
00:40:43mommy and
00:40:44daddy
00:40:44having a
00:40:44disagreement
00:40:45so it's
00:40:45not you
00:40:46we dealing
00:40:47with our
00:40:47whatever it
00:40:48is
00:40:48and also
00:40:49that's
00:40:49being
00:40:49vulnerable
00:40:49to your
00:40:50child
00:40:50also
00:40:51and honest
00:40:51and therefore
00:40:53you'll have
00:40:54a better
00:40:56so this is
00:40:56manhood
00:40:56and we
00:40:57head into
00:40:57the break
00:40:58welcome back
00:41:10to manhood
00:41:11today we
00:41:12discussing
00:41:12vulnerability
00:41:13and I
00:41:14will start
00:41:15it off
00:41:15by being
00:41:16vulnerable
00:41:17for today
00:41:17right
00:41:18today
00:41:18I am
00:41:19struggling
00:41:20with
00:41:20unforgiveness
00:41:22right
00:41:23I could
00:41:24conceptually
00:41:27hear your
00:41:28apology
00:41:28but if
00:41:30I still
00:41:31have the
00:41:31emotional
00:41:32charge
00:41:33then
00:41:34I haven't
00:41:36forgiven
00:41:36you
00:41:36if also
00:41:37I haven't
00:41:39forgiven
00:41:39myself
00:41:40for allowing
00:41:41you or
00:41:42allowing
00:41:42myself to
00:41:43be in
00:41:43the situation
00:41:44then I
00:41:45still don't
00:41:46have that
00:41:47forgiveness
00:41:47and I say
00:41:48that because
00:41:49I remember
00:41:50sometime I
00:41:51expressed
00:41:52something about
00:41:52unforgiveness
00:41:53and somebody
00:41:53tell me
00:41:54because of
00:41:55my profession
00:41:55I supposed
00:41:56to be able
00:41:57to deal
00:41:57with that
00:41:57one time
00:41:58now
00:41:58right
00:41:59and I
00:42:00realize
00:42:00when we
00:42:01discussed
00:42:02before about
00:42:02the society
00:42:03to really
00:42:04reward you
00:42:05or facilitate
00:42:06people being
00:42:07vulnerable
00:42:08when and no
00:42:09matter what
00:42:10position you're
00:42:10in most
00:42:11times you
00:42:12are pedestalized
00:42:13especially if
00:42:15you're in the
00:42:16public eye
00:42:16in some way
00:42:17right even if
00:42:18it's on a
00:42:18small scale
00:42:19you're pedestalized
00:42:19in some way
00:42:20which people
00:42:21hold you
00:42:21more than
00:42:22human so
00:42:23you're supposed
00:42:23to behave
00:42:23more than
00:42:24human which
00:42:24of course
00:42:25is erroneous
00:42:26because what
00:42:27else are we
00:42:28right and
00:42:30now some
00:42:31people have
00:42:32difficulty being
00:42:33themselves because
00:42:34they may be
00:42:36penalized for
00:42:37it so use a
00:42:39big xyz and
00:42:42you struggle
00:42:43with unforgiveness
00:42:43use a big xyz and
00:42:45you feel to cry
00:42:46or you get vexed
00:42:48whatever it is
00:42:49doesn't actually
00:42:50make us I
00:42:52don't say
00:42:52normal person
00:42:53but just like
00:42:55everyone else
00:42:56just having a
00:42:56different position
00:42:57maybe so you
00:42:59you brought up
00:43:00something there
00:43:01that you know
00:43:03we hear it all
00:43:04the time Alan
00:43:04Johan say you
00:43:05know where people
00:43:06go who are you
00:43:08to give me
00:43:09advice or who
00:43:10are you to say
00:43:10this or like
00:43:11you know you
00:43:12tell somebody
00:43:12about smoking
00:43:13bad fear but
00:43:14then you smoking
00:43:15right what
00:43:16what stops you
00:43:17from being able
00:43:18to still say
00:43:19something is bad
00:43:20for you or
00:43:20something is good
00:43:21for you because
00:43:22you yourself
00:43:23might not have
00:43:23taken on you
00:43:24know taken the
00:43:25advice doesn't
00:43:26mean that the
00:43:27information isn't
00:43:29accurate you know
00:43:29sometimes you know
00:43:30they say don't
00:43:31shoot the messenger
00:43:31you know the message
00:43:32do as I say
00:43:33and not as I do
00:43:33but but it's still
00:43:35you know what I
00:43:36mean you can still
00:43:36come out and tell
00:43:37somebody yeah but
00:43:38you know the truth
00:43:38is in your case
00:43:40being a you know
00:43:41having a science
00:43:42background being it
00:43:43being a behavior
00:43:44change consultant if
00:43:45you say certain
00:43:46things what I
00:43:47would say to you
00:43:47is it doesn't
00:43:48mean that you
00:43:49are not going to
00:43:49be going through
00:43:50hard times doesn't
00:43:51mean that you're
00:43:51not human what it
00:43:53would be is you're
00:43:53more in touch as
00:43:54to the why certain
00:43:56things are happening
00:43:57but doesn't mean
00:43:58that you're still
00:43:59not going to feel
00:44:00pain you know
00:44:01and and that
00:44:03advice is not
00:44:04always I could
00:44:05give advice I
00:44:06mean I as I
00:44:07mentioned at the
00:44:07start of the show
00:44:08I have expressed
00:44:09many times on this
00:44:11show many times
00:44:12with the brothers
00:44:13that have passed
00:44:13through the show
00:44:14as to why you
00:44:15should reach out
00:44:16to your brotherhood
00:44:17why you should be
00:44:18vulnerable why you
00:44:19should communicate
00:44:19express talk with
00:44:23each other you know
00:44:24be that brotherhood
00:44:25which we lack in
00:44:26today's in today's
00:44:27world because we
00:44:29you know it's like
00:44:29why better you than
00:44:31me yes and we're
00:44:32not talking about
00:44:32what we're going
00:44:33through but at the
00:44:34same time doesn't
00:44:35mean that I'm not
00:44:36human and I'm not
00:44:37going to sit down in
00:44:37a dark room at some
00:44:38certain points and
00:44:39and cry about it or
00:44:41feel or feel less
00:44:44than you know but
00:44:45in in in the same
00:44:47space it's not you
00:44:49know we spoke about
00:44:49you know where we
00:44:50talk about complaining
00:44:51and you had mentioned
00:44:52it on a show and I
00:44:53told you I had a
00:44:53problem with that
00:44:54where you said
00:44:55complaining makes you
00:44:56less than a man and
00:44:57as you mentioned about
00:44:58being I don't know if
00:44:59that was my exact line
00:45:00but we're going with
00:45:00that like when you
00:45:01said being human like
00:45:02whatever I am doing
00:45:03I am a man it
00:45:05doesn't take away it
00:45:06doesn't take away the
00:45:07fact that you know I
00:45:09have vulnerability in
00:45:10that sense or I
00:45:10have weakness now in
00:45:12this case there's a
00:45:13difference between
00:45:13vulnerability and
00:45:14weakness because I
00:45:15would think quarreling
00:45:16and complaining is a
00:45:18form of weakness
00:45:19because you're out of
00:45:21control and you could
00:45:22become a mental
00:45:22weakness a mental
00:45:23weakness you know your
00:45:25thoughts on and also
00:45:26well even as you said
00:45:27there to complaining it
00:45:29is not necessarily being
00:45:31less of a man but then
00:45:32I guess is that divide
00:45:33that you're factually
00:45:35you're not less of a
00:45:36man because you're still
00:45:37a man you complain but
00:45:38you may very well be
00:45:39perceived as less of a
00:45:40man by whoever maybe
00:45:42woman and that is the
00:45:45crux of being vulnerable
00:45:46because let's just say I
00:45:50am feeling weak in the
00:45:51moment and the truth is
00:45:53today I'm feeling weak
00:45:54that's the truth I can't
00:45:56help that fact and if
00:45:57somebody judges me
00:45:58negatively for feeling
00:45:59weak in that moment what
00:46:01can I do yeah the
00:46:02verdict is out what can I
00:46:04do in that moment or if
00:46:05let's just say I have
00:46:07poor time management
00:46:08skills in that moment I
00:46:10have poor time management
00:46:12skills so pretending that
00:46:14I don't or pretend that
00:46:15I'm quote-unquote better at
00:46:16something than I'm not to
00:46:17me I'm realizing now I
00:46:20mean well years now but it's
00:46:21hitting home as I am
00:46:22becoming more vulnerable
00:46:25hiding things don't really
00:46:27make any sense because even
00:46:30how I'll get help if I have
00:46:31poor time management skills
00:46:32somebody many people might
00:46:34say well he always later
00:46:35and he get vexed with me
00:46:36and then one person might
00:46:37be actually you know what
00:46:37I could help you out but if
00:46:39I didn't display it or
00:46:41didn't wasn't vulnerable
00:46:42then I wouldn't even open
00:46:44myself to help now open
00:46:45myself to to hurt and
00:46:48ridicule also but I guess
00:46:50there's a missing element
00:46:51that the dictionary don't
00:46:52have because the dictionary
00:46:53said opening you to harm or
00:46:56possible danger but the
00:46:58truth is vulnerability also
00:46:59opening you to possible
00:47:01assistance yeah and it's
00:47:04everything you said is also
00:47:05like inward looking but
00:47:07vulnerability while it could
00:47:08easily bring backlash or
00:47:11not positive things it can
00:47:14also bring a lot of good so
00:47:15my wife and I we didn't
00:47:17necessarily have trouble
00:47:18getting pregnant but it was
00:47:20becoming so we did IVF in
00:47:23Colombia IVF anybody doesn't
00:47:24know is basically like a
00:47:26artificial not artificial but
00:47:28they help you get pregnant
00:47:29using science that's the best
00:47:30way to put it right and
00:47:32normally people who have a lot
00:47:35of trouble getting pregnant
00:47:36that is like your last resort
00:47:37or your last attempt and it
00:47:39don't even always work out
00:47:39we were on the fence like we
00:47:42still could get pregnant
00:47:42naturally but it was becoming
00:47:44a damn chore every day like
00:47:46every time she ovulated or
00:47:48whatever it's like oh let's you
00:47:49know now we have to do this
00:47:50thing I was like I'll eat a big
00:47:51Chinese food and not any mood
00:47:52for that or ever and it's
00:47:53killing all the love and the
00:47:54romance yeah yeah because it's
00:47:56business now and then but of
00:47:57course too so you're forced into
00:47:58doing things and then her period
00:48:01comes she's not pregnant and
00:48:02then of course the women get
00:48:03very emotional and they have
00:48:04that dark cloud hanging over
00:48:05your house so I told her I was
00:48:07like let me try and throw
00:48:08money at it when I say not that
00:48:10we have a set of money but I was
00:48:11like you know what like let's try
00:48:14this way because she was asking
00:48:16her doctor about all kind of
00:48:17things and they had this step
00:48:18this step this step this step and
00:48:19the last step was IVF I was like
00:48:21well why don't we jump over all
00:48:22that and put all the money that
00:48:24will cost for very low success
00:48:26rates and let's try something
00:48:28different that's big man thing
00:48:29and we really we went for it and
00:48:32it was a real serious rollercoaster
00:48:35I did not research it enough
00:48:37or ever I really thought you go
00:48:38there you pay your money and you
00:48:39have like a 90 percent chance
00:48:40wrong real wrong you know you can
00:48:43lose all your money you can not
00:48:44get through easily people and
00:48:45injections for two weeks straight
00:48:47in wife's stomach three
00:48:48injections a day I have to apply
00:48:50some of the injections at night I
00:48:52have a thing of needles it was
00:48:54real bacchanal I was underprepared
00:48:55completely but point I'm making
00:48:57about it very fast for that we thank
00:48:59God got a son out of it but most
00:49:02importantly IVF is another taboo
00:49:04thing women people are ashamed to
00:49:06talk about it it's almost like
00:49:07something wrong with you or if you're
00:49:08very religious you're only supposed to
00:49:10do it through God blah blah blah
00:49:12whatever did it and we're super open
00:49:15about it or vulnerable about it spoke
00:49:17about it all the time and I can't tell
00:49:20you the amount of people women and men
00:49:23but women who have contacted myself
00:49:24and my wife who just dying to get
00:49:28pregnant to find out and they felt
00:49:29like they could not speak to anybody
00:49:31about taking that route and they just
00:49:33like behind the scenes praise you and
00:49:35and crying super emotional that let's
00:49:38say brave enough although we don't
00:49:39consider bravery but they consider us
00:49:41being brave for even putting that out
00:49:43there that we went that path I totally
00:49:45agree with you Alan because you know I
00:49:48started late in life you know you know I
00:49:52have a seven-year-old now and I started
00:49:53late in comparison to you know a lot of
00:49:56other friends who would have had you
00:49:57know 20-year-olds and so on by now and
00:50:00part of part of a man is always
00:50:03wondering if you know you're your boy's
00:50:06swimming right and whether because you
00:50:08want to see your likeness and image so
00:50:10even though like I'm glad you also
00:50:12mentioned it about when when when your
00:50:14child is born you know what you're
00:50:16concerned with at that point is 10
00:50:17fingers 10 toes and you hear people say
00:50:19about oh the love was immediate and I
00:50:21like you it took me a while to know to
00:50:23the point that you know I'm you know
00:50:25totally in love with my son but it
00:50:29wasn't immediate no and and one one of
00:50:32the things that you you you do in that
00:50:34in that case is immediate it's
00:50:35protection it's it's it's it's their
00:50:37life and all the rest of it you go into
00:50:39that aspect of a man but there were
00:50:43concerns that initially like all right
00:50:45well you know she's not the first woman
00:50:47I've been with you know I haven't always
00:50:49put on the you know the the the Jimmy
00:50:52hat as some people say and you know
00:50:54what was happening here and I know a lot
00:50:57of brothers who have that conversation
00:51:00who are who may not have children right
00:51:02now who are concerned with can I have
00:51:05children and am I willing to talk about
00:51:06it and what if I can't what what is
00:51:09what is it then does that make you less
00:51:11of a man at that point I have to talk
00:51:14kind of after is a strong word but
00:51:16especially if you look in relationship
00:51:17and marriage and I think that should be
00:51:19one of the things when you're looking to
00:51:21spend your life with somebody that could
00:51:22be a huge thing if you're not on the
00:51:23same page what do you want children
00:51:26yes or no if one is yes and one to no
00:51:29you're setting yourself up to a rail back
00:51:30and out there one time then what happens
00:51:32if we can't you know and I again I'm
00:51:35wife I know you're watching but my wife is
00:51:37very on point to think she understands that
00:51:40we talk and there was a point in time this
00:51:44her dream was to be a mother and I was
00:51:47cool with it I was like you know what but
00:51:48I told her myself I was like if children
00:51:50do come I'm happy to spend all our money
00:51:52on us and travel you know if it came to
00:51:55that she was not about that if at all she
00:51:58was ready to not be happy if children
00:52:00were not coming as I imagine a lot of
00:52:01women are a lot of people a lot of men
00:52:03and women not just where men want to see
00:52:06they want to spread their seed and it was
00:52:07hard conversation yeah and if you and if
00:52:10you're not able to do that then it's a
00:52:11case of you know and what about men who
00:52:14in a situation like yours now if it's
00:52:16taken there are people that might now
00:52:17say well okay we've gone through this
00:52:19for one but I want I see myself with
00:52:21three four children and you can't provide
00:52:24that now what what's the situation then
00:52:26are you vulnerable enough to have that
00:52:28conversation have that real conversation
00:52:29or live live a full life and that's the
00:52:32thing you know you say full life because
00:52:34I remember this I think this happened
00:52:36twice I remember dealing with a couple
00:52:38and they couldn't well they wasn't
00:52:40conceiving and the man was vehement is
00:52:44not him it couldn't can't be him
00:52:46can't be you and down to the wire until
00:52:50they actually went and realized his
00:52:51poem count was low and even then he was
00:52:54he trying to still be in denial but I
00:52:57understood because it came from a place
00:52:59of pride now I'm saying this because
00:53:01more and more realizing the power
00:53:04especially as men to to be vulnerable
00:53:08and even though it opens you to the
00:53:12possibility of danger and harm and
00:53:14ridicule I think is also a liberating
00:53:17thing because every single time I have
00:53:21been vulnerable has been freeing to me
00:53:23even if it opens me to criticism but
00:53:27after I say it I am lighter because it's
00:53:30your truth when yeah when when we lie
00:53:33listen but biologically when you lie
00:53:37right it actually sends a stress signal
00:53:39to your nervous system you know right
00:53:41because literally less because your body
00:53:43want to do this but you do do something
00:53:45else so literally in contradiction with
00:53:49who you are and if you want to go a
00:53:52little arm exoteric with science right
00:53:55that's what people hear about the law of
00:53:57attraction already right if you want to
00:54:01attract what is really for your life
00:54:03then it had to be you because if you be
00:54:06something else than Robert then you're
00:54:08attracting something else if you be
00:54:09something as an Alan you're attracting
00:54:10something else and if I be someone else
00:54:12I'm attracting someone else and then
00:54:14you will wonder what why thing that
00:54:16happened for me in my life why thing the
00:54:18XYZ is because somewhere in your life
00:54:21you're not being authentically you
00:54:22well as and as you speak about being
00:54:24esoteric you're talking about in a in
00:54:27your mind your body subconscious packed
00:54:30away this memory this has happened this
00:54:32has occurred so it knows this is the way
00:54:34forward so when you're now coming to
00:54:36create something that the body's like
00:54:38but that that's not the part we went on
00:54:40or that's not the road it's really this
00:54:41road so you know which is a lie because
00:54:44you're now trying to create a narrative
00:54:46that's the body as you said in the spirit
00:54:49and the grounding and the universe and
00:54:50everything knows but it's this way and
00:54:53you're now trying to do something that's
00:54:54not necessarily beneficial to your being
00:54:57and you're lying to yourself and that's
00:54:58why you're putting your body into
00:55:00and if I could just add something you
00:55:02just said there to like just a way in on
00:55:04it a little bit I completely agree that
00:55:06it is a great place to be able to reach
00:55:08a point in life where you could be
00:55:09vulnerable and very honest outwardly
00:55:12inwardly of course most important but
00:55:15social media and life more importantly
00:55:17like prior to my wife and everything like
00:55:19most people but everybody has a different
00:55:21path I went through some hard breakups and
00:55:24some real dongs and I've been to put
00:55:26myself into therapy I think what really
00:55:28helped and everything too and my mind has
00:55:32become very very strong over the years and
00:55:34I'm very mentally strong and I do think
00:55:38that everybody should aim to train their
00:55:41mind via therapy via knowledge anything
00:55:45that could help your mind train your mind
00:55:47to by putting yourself in difficult
00:55:50situations exactly here's a difficult
00:55:51situation being vulnerable no exactly
00:55:54but what I was alluding to is that when
00:55:57the time comes to and you're right it kind
00:55:59of works backwards on itself as well too
00:56:01funnily enough but I was going to say that
00:56:03especially on social media but even in
00:56:05real life when you're going to be
00:56:06vulnerable you have to be mentally strong
00:56:09enough to take what may come because if
00:56:12you are not in a good place mentally and
00:56:14like we say approach your wife your
00:56:16girlfriend your co-workers whoever and
00:56:18then you decide to be vulnerable or be
00:56:20honest and their reaction is not what you
00:56:23may have hoped for in advance and you
00:56:25can't deal with it you have to be strong
00:56:27enough vulnerability yeah there's the
00:56:28meaning there now with that one yeah
00:56:31closing thoughts closing thoughts well
00:56:34first of all fantastic conversation thank
00:56:36you very much for having me both of you I
00:56:38think this is good vibes and I think in
00:56:41today's world you know everybody's voice
00:56:43is obviously equally important but for
00:56:45some reason it feels like men maybe need
00:56:47to have a bit more of a voice at this
00:56:49point in time because it seems like you
00:56:51know we again put underneath the foot a
00:56:53little bit sometimes as if you know how
00:56:56it is social media one scroll and you can
00:56:58see a reason that is somehow bad to be a
00:57:00man and I think you know men just like
00:57:03women are fantastic people some people are
00:57:07bad some are good we can't break it down
00:57:09by gender and that kind of stuff and just
00:57:11to end on my own personal note which may
00:57:13not necessarily reflect everything we
00:57:15said here is to say something to Trinidad
00:57:17and Tobago is I truly with all of my heart
00:57:21believe that Trinidad and Tobago is a
00:57:24paradise one of the greatest places in the
00:57:26world one of the best vibes in the world
00:57:28we have a unique culture a unique accent
00:57:30people love us whenever we travel and it's
00:57:33really time to start doing away with all
00:57:34this corruption and crime and back and all
00:57:36where we be hating on us and and everybody
00:57:39out for each other and the negativity that
00:57:41we sit and stew in every day because of
00:57:44this and the press saying that and who dead
00:57:46and who whatnot I truly believe that
00:57:48everybody just change their mentality a
00:57:50little bit clean up after yourself get
00:57:52out get outside get in touch with nature the
00:57:55beaches the rivers you know politicians are
00:57:58speaking to you to people who are considered
00:58:01criminals in society who maybe want to move
00:58:03away from that life make the harder choice
00:58:05you know do pocket that money do make the
00:58:08wrong choice fight your way out of it if
00:58:10you can and Trinidad and Tobago could
00:58:11really be a place where everybody who's
00:58:14looking on the outside now saying ways boy
00:58:15that's too dangerous to go there or I ain't
00:58:17going there will turn wrong to say ways how I
00:58:20could retire there how can I be a part of
00:58:21that country who has everything from the
00:58:23climate to the beaches to the rivers to
00:58:26the food to the land to the wildlife
00:58:28everything going on the culture the mix of
00:58:30people the food we really have everything
00:58:32almost better than most places in the
00:58:34world except we like to all over ourselves
00:58:37and some people more than others within
00:58:39the country so asking again people with
00:58:41power people with no power and everybody
00:58:44in between recognize Trinidad and Tobago
00:58:47for what it is show a bit more love and
00:58:49get out and explore your country and keep
00:58:50it clean that's my feelings powerful I mean
00:58:53it still is sweet TNT and you mentioned
00:58:57people who have power and people who have
00:58:59no power everybody has power you have
00:59:01power of yourself you have power of your
00:59:02voice yes you know stand up and be heard
00:59:05you know as we talk about here talk about
00:59:08vulnerability about living your truth
00:59:10living your truth is what's really really
00:59:12important and vulnerability as we look at
00:59:15it from a position it's a position of
00:59:17emotional intelligence don't look at it
00:59:19as a sign of weakness as a matter of
00:59:21being vulnerable to your peers to your
00:59:23community to your partner to yourself is
00:59:26also a sign of trust you know it's a sign
00:59:28of respect that people will then have for
00:59:30you and if you're not getting that
00:59:31respect you're not you're not feeling
00:59:33that trust in that atmosphere that
00:59:34environment then guess what that's not
00:59:36the community for you and you need to
00:59:38move to one that allows you to be
00:59:39vulnerable tell that allows you to live
00:59:42your truth and so if you don't know ask a
00:59:47question you know we sit here a lot of
00:59:48times as men and we joke about it all the
00:59:51time about not wanting to ask for
00:59:53something as simple as directions why not
00:59:56if you don't know there's no shame in
00:59:58asking there's a lot of respect in that
01:00:00in in owning up to something now if i
01:00:03told you once and i told you twice and
01:00:04that's that that's something a bit
01:00:05different you're then ignorant to the
01:00:07fact and there's a reason why you might
01:00:09not want to be taking on that particular
01:00:11knowledge but there's no shame in the
01:00:13game in asking there's nothing like you
01:00:15know getting in touch with your feminine
01:00:17side it's simply getting in touch with
01:00:19your side that's not a sign of weakness
01:00:21but a sign of openness and a sign of once
01:00:24again living your truth
01:00:24gentlemen i appreciate you all being
01:00:29vulnerable i appreciate also the
01:00:31opportunity for me to be vulnerable
01:00:33because every time we do it is we
01:00:35practice in it and we become better at it
01:00:37and therefore becoming better as men and
01:00:40those viewing especially young men and
01:00:43boys into men be yourself we may not get
01:00:50the respect and the admiration from
01:00:53everyone for being ourselves but at least
01:00:55we could respect ourselves because
01:00:57sometimes the worst thing is in a
01:00:59situation where you know you should be
01:01:01vulnerable you know you should speak your
01:01:03truth and you don't and even though you
01:01:05mightn't face immediate repercussion you
01:01:08feel less of a man so i would say we
01:01:11always ask the question what is a man in
01:01:13this situation i'm saying to be a man is
01:01:16to be able to have the courage to speak
01:01:19your truth the courage to be vulnerable
01:01:20no matter the possible consequences this
01:01:24is manhood thank you very much for
01:01:26viewing
01:01:26manhood brought to you in part by
01:01:34reboot sports drink manhood brought to
01:01:37you in part by solomon's bespoke
01:01:40you