Malcolm In The Middle Season 3 Episode 9 Reese's Job
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00:01Hello, Wild.
00:07I'm so full of bacon, my body's meant for shaking.
00:16And when I start to wiggle, my nipples, they will jiggle.
00:20Once again, I have to be embarrassed for the both of us.
00:30Yup!
00:50You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
00:54You're not the boss of me now.
00:57You're not the boss of me now.
01:00You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
01:07Life is unfair.
01:16You go straight to your job after school today.
01:19I don't want you to be late for your first day of work, and no excuses.
01:23I don't want to hear a lion escape from the zoo.
01:26Or the bus driver went insane and refused to stop.
01:31Francis' friend Richie gave Reese a job at the Circus Burger.
01:34It's perfect.
01:35Reese gets to be bossed around all day
01:38by the only guy on the entire planet that's dumber than he is.
01:42This job is stupid.
01:44Well, you do get to wear a paper hat.
01:46Reese, you want to drive when you get your license?
01:48You're going to pay for your own insurance.
01:50Yeah, but if everyone else has insurance, then why do I need it?
01:53They've got it covered.
01:55Son, it's not as simple as that.
01:57You see...
01:58Good morning, everybody.
02:03Say good morning, Charlie.
02:05Show everyone how alive you are.
02:09My parents made a deal with Dewey.
02:12If he keeps his goldfish alive for two months, he gets a dog.
02:16Aren't I doing a good job?
02:18You sure are.
02:22How is that fish still alive?
02:24I don't know.
02:25He never feeds it.
02:26He leaves it out in the sun for hours.
02:28Last week there was an old banana peel in there.
02:31I do not want a dog in this house.
02:33Well, as long as this fish is alive, there's nothing we can do about it.
02:36Hal, I expect you to take care of this.
02:39What are you suggesting?
02:41I'm not suggesting anything.
02:43I just want it taken care of.
02:46Class, today we begin a new round of independent study projects.
02:57Hydrostatic equilibrium?
02:59My God, I'm still mired in path integral quantization.
03:03My stepdad's right, I'm useless.
03:06Well, the cold hard fact of life is some are more advanced than others.
03:11Some even think they are more advanced than me.
03:15I never said that.
03:16And yet you assume I'm talking about you.
03:19You're looking right at me.
03:21I'm sure you're all convinced that by virtue of your being in this class,
03:25your intellects tower above those of the tiny minded plebeians wasting oxygen in the rest of the school.
03:32But to some, you are nothing more than howling primates.
03:39I am very excited to announce today that we are welcoming to our class a new student.
03:44A young man of unparalleled intellect.
03:49As near as we can measure, his IQ is over 280.
03:54Those tests are culturally biased.
03:57Think what you will, your petty fears no longer concern me.
04:01I finally have the mental clay worthy of my sculpting.
04:06Barton is a white hot comet of brilliance blazing through our dark little corner of ignorance.
04:13A mind of such unfathomable reach and enormous power.
04:17Can I come in now?
04:20Barton, I thought I told you to wait until you heard a new era for man.
04:25But there should be out there.
04:27What's up, assistant manager?
04:28How'd that happen?
04:29INS Reg cleaned us out.
04:30So from 12 to 5, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, this is my domain.
04:42I'm proof you don't really need to graduate from high school.
04:46That's just propaganda from those money-grubbing diploma companies.
04:50Sean, Doug, this is Reese.
04:53Hey, what's up?
04:54Hey.
04:55Okay.
04:56Fresh cow for burger.
04:58Potato for fries.
05:00And I'm not sure what this is.
05:02Does that look like a pig or a dog to you?
05:05Wouldn't it be easier to put words on the keys?
05:07Ah, man of letters.
05:10Word to the wise.
05:12I wouldn't throw that in anyone's face.
05:15Once you got your total, you put the money in the drawer.
05:19Except if you're making a pocket transaction.
05:21What's that?
05:22Kind of a morale builder.
05:24Once in a while you take five or ten bucks.
05:26But you don't ring it up, you put it in your pocket instead.
05:30You don't have a problem with that, do you?
05:33Oh, no, that's cool.
05:38See, Reese, you've entered the working world.
05:41The world of adult responsibility.
05:51I have the key to her locker.
05:53If you want to smell her jacket later, just let me know.
05:57Hey, they found the last piece of that guy.
06:00Oh, man.
06:02Come on, guys.
06:04We talked about this.
06:05If we're gonna share a roll of toilet paper,
06:07can we at least keep it on the spindle?
06:09As long as you're bringing this kind of stuff up.
06:12I got a fiancé coming Thursday.
06:14Fiancé?
06:15What are you talking about?
06:17I'm engaged.
06:18There comes a time when a man gets tired of playing the field.
06:21What field?
06:22You don't even know any women.
06:24That occurred to me, too.
06:26That's why I ordered one from Russia.
06:28A mail order bride?
06:30That actually exists?
06:31Sure.
06:32In some of the more irradiated parts of the former Soviet Union,
06:35there are a lot of marriage-minded women.
06:38That's my darling Svetlana.
06:40Wait a second.
06:42Yup.
06:44Svetlana.
06:46How come you're driving us to school?
06:53Because that's what mamas do sometimes.
06:55I go.
06:56Theadiens.
06:57Theadiens.
06:58Theadiens.
07:00Theadiens.
07:01Theadiens.
07:32Okay, you know you're Tolstoy and you're Elliot. Let's see how you do with the bard.
07:40Every true man's apparel fits your thief.
07:45Measure for measure, act four, scene two, Averson's speech to Pompey. Could you hand me my green crayon?
07:51Wow, he's right again.
07:53Okay, Barton, let's try Chaucer's The Shipman's Tale.
07:57Should I start with the prologue?
07:58Please. How about line 203?
08:03And when your husband has gone off to Flanders, I shall deliver you from fear of slanders.
08:10And on the word he caught her by the flanks and clasped her closely, giving her a riot of kisses, saying softly, keep things quiet.
08:21What are you doing?
08:25Chaucer?
08:26Chaucer? I cannot believe you are polluting his mind with such pop culture drivel!
08:34I apologize for them, Barton, and I will do everything I can to minimize these annoying distractions
08:42so that you can concentrate on the accelerated program I've laid out for you.
08:47Together, we are going to astonish the world.
08:52Would you like a big sea stick?
09:00Having problems, Malcolm?
09:03No, no, not you.
09:06It's a stupid hydrostatic equilibrium.
09:08It just doesn't make any sense.
09:10Well, it is awfully difficult.
09:13But don't despair.
09:14I am here for you, Malcolm, and I'll make sure that you get the help that you deserve.
09:18To estimate the pressure at the center of the sun, just assume a constant density of 1.41 grams per cubic centimeter.
09:28Am I going too fast for you?
09:30You know, Hercubee only made you my tutor to humiliate me.
09:33I thought it was to humiliate me.
09:35I don't understand why this is so hard.
09:38Don't give up.
09:39Remember the little engine that could?
09:41You're not listening!
09:43I get everything!
09:44In my entire life, there is nothing I haven't been able to master.
09:48I took algebra in sixth grade.
09:51I taught my dad how to rebuild his transmission when I was five.
09:54I was reading before I could walk.
09:56I remember my own birth.
10:00What?
10:01Do you know your heart stops during your mother's contractions?
10:05You seriously remember that?
10:08The worst was the diaper changing.
10:10That was the most degrading week of my life.
10:13So, what's it like in there?
10:18What do you mean?
10:20Well, like your brain.
10:22I mean, for me, it's like when I'm thinking really hard, my brain starts making all these connections.
10:29And those connections make other connections, and everything starts moving really fast, and it feels like a bomb's going off.
10:36Is your brain like that?
10:37It's more like a beehive.
10:40And every bee has a brain like yours.
10:43Okay, runny!
10:49That is so cool!
10:52I wish you had a gun so we could really test this thing out.
10:55Excuse me, can I get some help here?
10:58Hey, Craig.
10:58So, I overheard your mom talking on the phone, and it's true.
11:03You've got a job.
11:05I applied here once.
11:07Didn't get it.
11:08It's all politics.
11:10I guess.
11:11So, what do you want?
11:12I want you to listen very carefully.
11:14My blood sugar is dangerously low, so I don't want to burn up any calories repeating myself.
11:18I want the jumbo clown burger with the big top fries.
11:22No pickles.
11:24A slice of onion, make sure it's center cut, and extra tomatoes.
11:29And let's do the patty well on one side and medium on the other.
11:33And make sure they open a fresh package for my bun.
11:37If it's stale, I bail.
11:41Seriously.
11:43In total, it's $5.45, and you get free refills in the soda.
11:47For that one before.
11:49Turns out it's just for today.
11:53What a sack.
11:56That's a pocket transaction if I ever saw one.
12:02Oh.
12:03Yeah.
12:05Right.
12:17You put together one hell of a bachelor party.
12:34How much of life do you?
12:36Ah.
12:37I'm just sorry the nearest stripper's 300 miles away.
12:41Hey, how's she doing anyway?
12:43She took her top off.
12:45Yeah!
12:48All right, all right, all right.
12:49Hey, listen up.
12:51I'd like to say a few words about my bunkmate Pete here on account of his upcoming nuptials.
12:58Many's a time when I've been feeling low, and I always knew I could turn to Pete.
13:07He'd be lying there on his bunk, trimming his beard with a lighter.
13:11And I'd think, hell, I'm better than that.
13:15To Pete and his lucky lady!
13:17Hey!
13:17Hey!
13:17Hey!
13:17Hey!
13:17Hey!
13:18Hey!
13:18Hey!
13:18Hey!
13:19Hey!
13:19Hey!
13:19Hey!
13:20Hey!
13:20Hey!
13:21Hey!
13:21Hey!
13:21Hey!
13:21Hey!
13:22Hey!
13:22Hey!
13:23Hey!
13:23Hey!
13:23Hey!
13:23Hey!
13:23Hey!
13:23Hey!
13:24Hey!
13:24Hey!
13:24Hey!
13:24Hey!
13:25Hey!
13:25Hey!
13:25Hey!
13:26Hey!
13:26Hey!
13:27Hey!
13:28Pete's life!
13:29If he wants to marry a total stranger, that's his business.
13:32Yeah, well, what about this woman?
13:33Is anyone thinking about her?
13:35Right now, I'm trying to keep a topless stripper in my head.
13:38I don't have room for much else.
13:40Think about it for a second.
13:42She's blindly committing to spend the rest of her life in this godforsaken place with Pete
13:47as her husband.
13:48I mean, what kind of a poor creature would actually go through with this?
13:52Maybe her life's pretty awful.
13:54Worse than this?
13:55What, does she live in a slaughterhouse?
13:57Is she dragged to work buying horses every day?
14:00She couldn't possibly know what she's getting into.
14:02You're exaggerating, man.
14:04We don't know.
14:05It might work out fine.
14:06Agh!
14:07Agh!
14:08Agh!
14:09Agh!
14:10Agh!
14:10Agh!
14:11Agh!
14:12Agh!
14:13Agh!
14:14Agh!
14:15Agh!
14:16Agh!
14:17Agh!
14:18Agh!
14:19Agh!
14:20Agh!
14:21Agh!
14:22Agh!
14:23Agh!
14:24Agh!
14:25One of these days, somebody's going to have to clean out those bathrooms.
14:29Whoa, dude, this is way uncool.
14:32Reese, man, you can't take this much money.
14:35What are you talking about?
14:36Your cash drawer, man. It's over 400 bucks short.
14:39Look, the whole point is to take 5 or 10 bucks, and that's it.
14:44You got to put the 400 back.
14:46I didn't take it. Honest.
14:48Dude, it's your register.
14:50Did he give his register key to anyone today?
14:52No.
14:53Uh-uh.
14:53I didn't take it. I didn't take any.
14:57I never even did one of those stupid pocket transactions.
15:00What are you talking about? I saw you yesterday.
15:03No, I wanted to look like I was taking it, but I didn't really.
15:07When you guys were looking, I put the money back.
15:09You guys didn't see it because I was being sneaky and stuff.
15:14Nice, Reese.
15:15Way to screw it up for everybody.
15:17I didn't take it.
15:18Look, man, if you think I'm covering for you, you're crazy.
15:21When the owner comes back tomorrow morning and checks the books, that money better be here, or you're going down.
15:27All right, to change from apparent to absolute magnitude in all spectrum, the formula is A over B times K over D.
15:40That's if K is...
15:42How do they expect you to learn all these formulas?
15:46Use a mnemonic device, like Anefru, Babashar, Kala, Dastra.
15:54Babylonian kings, third dynasty.
15:57Stop complaining.
15:59I have homework, too.
16:01Oh, it's a butterfly.
16:02Malcolm, you gotta help me.
16:06What's going on?
16:08It's horrible.
16:09There's $400 missing from the register at the end of my shift, and they think I took it.
16:16Well, did you?
16:17No, of course not.
16:19I'm Burton.
16:20Who's this dork?
16:21He's my tutor.
16:22You're kidding me.
16:23The one time I need you to be a genius, I find out you're faking the whole smart thing?
16:28Reese, calm down.
16:29How did this happen?
16:30I don't know.
16:32My register didn't total up right at the end of the shift.
16:34Who was there?
16:35Everyone.
16:36Me, Sean, Greta, Richie.
16:39Richie?
16:40Why don't you say so in the first place?
16:42What do you mean?
16:43It's Richie.
16:44He's setting you up.
16:45How do you know?
16:46Because it's Richie.
16:48Come on.
16:51Art, you want to go learn something about the real world?
16:54Not really.
16:55Too bad.
16:55You're coming.
16:59Doobie.
17:00You have to cover for us.
17:01Make sure it sounds like we're all still here.
17:04Got it.
17:06Ow!
17:08Stop it!
17:09You shut up!
17:11Stupid creeps!
17:14Ow!
17:15Stop it!
17:16Did you get it?
17:17Yes, I got it.
17:20Pet store owner told me it was already dead, but I suspect the worst.
17:26Okay.
17:27We'll switch the fish tonight when Dewey's sleeping.
17:29I don't know, Lois.
17:30It seems so sneaky and underhanded.
17:34What kind of example are we setting for the boys?
17:36Oh, Hal, stop worrying.
17:38The boys are fine.
17:39Hey, dude, did you get the money?
17:47Yeah, you'd like another $400, wouldn't you?
17:50What are you talking about?
17:51Wow.
17:52An entire colony of cryphenectria parasitica.
17:56Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.
17:58His name's not Dewey.
17:59So how come you've had me call him Dewey all these years?
18:03Look, we know you take the money, and you're just trying to pin it on Reese.
18:08After everything my brother's done for you.
18:10All the alibis, all the handouts, all the times he's helped you fake your death.
18:15Whoa, dudes, I wasn't even there today.
18:18The only time I came in was to cash out.
18:21You were right there.
18:23Yeah, but I had a 10-minute break at 4.30.
18:26You could have snuck in then and taken the money.
18:28Well, yeah, but...
18:31You want to play innocent?
18:32Fine.
18:33We'll just let the police decide.
18:37Whoa, police.
18:39What makes you think the cops are going to take your side?
18:42Maybe because you would have been arrested like 10 times for petty theft.
18:46Excuse me, one of those was for arson.
18:52I'm telling you, you're making a big mistake.
18:54No, I'm not.
18:55Yes, you are.
18:56No, I'm not.
18:57Yes, you are.
19:00He didn't do it.
19:02According to this citation, Richie was stopped at 4.20 today at 18th and Wilson for urinating
19:07from a moving vehicle.
19:09So?
19:11So, the circus burger is on Walnut, which is at least 25 miles away.
19:16He couldn't have gotten there during Reese's break.
19:18Well, maybe if the traffic was late, then he'd...
19:20Yeah, and maybe if a 78 Bonneville could go 300 miles an hour.
19:25Otherwise, it's impossible.
19:27Hey, way to go, do it!
19:29Let me see that.
19:32Is he right?
19:33Yes.
19:36He's always right.
19:38Sorry, Richie.
19:39Come on, Reese, let's go.
19:41But I swear to God, I didn't do it!
19:44I didn't take the money!
19:46Well, look, we still have a few hours.
19:49Maybe we can figure out some...
19:50Richie, I got us the DVD player, but we need to steal another 600 if you want the surround sound.
20:03You may want to hang on to that receipt.
20:05I can't believe you lied!
20:07We're calling the cops!
20:09Hey, hey, hey, hey, maybe we can figure out some sort of deal.
20:13Whatever you guys want, it's yours.
20:15We get to use your place for a party any time we want.
20:22Yeah, and we get free burgers for life.
20:24And I get to make out with your girlfriend.
20:27Forget it!
20:28All right, the beanbag chair.
20:37Wow, Pete, is that really you?
20:40No, it's a reflection.
20:43Here, you can give these to Svetlana.
20:48Eric and Artie should be back any minute from Mammon with your bride.
20:51I gotta be honest, I'm a little nervous.
20:55Well, you are about to marry a total stranger.
21:00Have you really thought about what you're doing?
21:02Oh, I've been thinking about settling down for a long, long time.
21:07Yeah, but you don't know anything about her.
21:10I mean, what if she thinks you're...
21:12Oh, what if she doesn't like you?
21:15Well, I'd be sad, but...
21:18I'd reassure her that I'd support her anyway because I made that commitment.
21:24Then I guess I'd spend the rest of my life being sweet to her.
21:28In the hopes of changing her mind.
21:30Well, good luck, Pete.
21:35Thanks.
21:38Svetlana's here.
21:39And she is gorgeous!
21:42I must have misread the catalog.
21:51Just look how light on her feet she is!
21:56Hey, guys.
22:02Oh, hey, Pete.
22:11Just get that thing out of here!
22:13I'll take care of it.
22:14I got it.
22:16Why you?
22:16Because I signed for it!
22:18Who cares if you signed for it?
22:19Wait a minute.
22:20Come here.
22:39Oh, there's a ride.
22:41It's so nice of Richie to drive you to school.
22:44Yeah, well, that's just his way of saying thanks for a job well done.
22:48Good morning, everybody.
22:51Now, son, don't be disappointed.
22:53Say good morning, Charlie.
22:55Show everyone how alive you are.
22:57Aren't I doing a good job?
23:03Yeah, yeah, great.
23:14That little monster!
23:17He's been buying his own fish and switching them!
23:20God only knows how many he's gone through.
23:23He's gonna pay for this.
23:24Wow.
23:25If we bust him, he'll know we've been cheating, too.
23:27Dewey, your father and I are so proud of the way you've taken care of that fish.
23:40Yes, we are.
23:41You certainly proved to us that you can be trusted.
23:45It's so nice to have a boy who's so conscientious, responsible, and honest,
23:50and who always finds a way to do the right thing.
23:54Before we go any further, is there anything you want to tell me?
24:02I want a beagle.
24:04Well, you're not gonna get it, you little snake!
24:08We know that you've been switching fish on us because I put a dead fish in there last night!
24:13That's cheating!
24:15You're cheaters!
24:16I'm not exactly textbook, but at least we're not getting a dog.
24:25I cleaned out my cubby.
24:31You're sure I can't talk you into staying?
24:34My mom says I need a healthier environment.
24:37She thinks it's creepy the way you're using me for your own self-aggrandizement.
24:41A healthier environment?
24:42That is not what you need, son.
24:44You will never connect normally with another human being.
24:48People will recognize your brilliance, and they will loathe you for it.
24:52The best you can hope for is uncomprehending fear, which I can channel into great things.
25:01Please.
25:02Can I go now?
25:05Sure.
25:07Go.
25:07Go.
25:11You, my ex-wife, all of my therapists, you're all the same.
25:18Bye, guys.
25:19Bye, Barton.
25:20Well, good luck at NASA.
25:21Send us a letter when you get declassified.
25:28Mr. Hercubee, we know this is hard for you, so...
25:38It's his dad.
25:39We photoshopped your head in.
25:48We plot some of our best practices.
25:51They are far from you...
25:58E goblet.
26:01ants are missing out on the list.
26:01I was a fan of Sly.
26:07I was a guy.
26:07He has never worked for you.
26:09Go.
26:10It's a facility.
26:12I have a room.
26:13elections are theories by strategies.
26:15Let's go.