MJTV: Roxanne's Horny Report
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00:00What three astrological signs have horns?
00:04Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn.
00:07I have driven two of those cars.
00:14Roxanne, you requested some airtime this morning.
00:18I did.
00:19And this has to do with your whole astrology thing.
00:23I need you to have an open mind about this, MJ.
00:26I can't have you disparage astrology through my whole book report because this is some
00:32important stuff for you to know.
00:33Hold on.
00:34Oh, my God.
00:37I haven't even started.
00:38And you're starting with the sound effects.
00:41Hold on.
00:42Roxanne, are you doing a book report?
00:44Yes, I'm doing a book report.
00:45It's not a book report.
00:47Where's the poster board?
00:48Why are you calling your radio segment a book report?
00:51Do you have a diorama that you brought in as well?
00:53No, because I came across this article in the New York Post.
00:56You know what?
00:57I need you to bring in a Nike shoebox and make a diorama.
01:00Yeah.
01:01Dioramas are cool.
01:03Go ahead.
01:03Okay.
01:04So I came across this very interesting story in the New York Post, and it is about something
01:10that's happening in astrology right now.
01:12Oh, my Jesus.
01:15Okay.
01:16Go ahead.
01:16That's going to affect all of us.
01:20Okay?
01:20Oh, boy.
01:21So this is a little tagline, let's get horny.
01:25What a stupid son of a bitch.
01:27Cooper?
01:28Is that President Biden?
01:30That's Joe Biden yesterday.
01:31Did President Biden just call Roxanne a stupid son of a bitch?
01:35What a stupid son of a bitch.
01:37Joseph.
01:38That's the President of the United States yesterday.
01:43You realize he had a microphone on?
01:45What a stupid son of a bitch.
01:47Let's go, Joe.
01:48Good for you, Joe.
01:49So Joe Biden was calling Peter Doocy from Fox News a stupid son of a bitch.
01:56So he is a son of a bitch.
01:59What a stupid son of a bitch.
02:01Did everybody hear that in the room?
02:03Yes.
02:03Oh, my gosh.
02:04In the world.
02:05So apparently Peter Doocy, who is the son of Steve Doocy, you know, the former Fox weather
02:12guy and now he's on Fox and Friends, his son is Peter Doocy.
02:15He's a White House correspondent.
02:17And at the at a presser, he was asking President Biden about inflation.
02:22Do you think inflation is a political lie?
02:25That's a great asset.
02:27More inflation.
02:30What a stupid son of a bitch.
02:33Sorry.
02:33All right, Roxanna.
02:36I apologize.
02:36Let's get back to more important assets and inflation of things.
02:39I'm back to your horny story.
02:40Okay.
02:41So the stars are saying that it's time to get practical about sex so we can get it on exactly
02:47how we like.
02:47That's the tagline in the New York Post.
02:49I read the article.
02:50Here's the book report.
02:50I'm going to tell you what all of this means.
02:52Okay?
02:52Just stop calling it a book report.
02:55Oh, I get it.
02:55I don't know what's happening right now.
02:57Where's the library?
02:59Shh.
02:59Where's the library?
03:00Okay.
03:00Do you know what Mars is?
03:02Yes.
03:03Candy?
03:03I've heard of Mars, the red planet.
03:06We've got a rover up there right now.
03:08Yes.
03:09Yes.
03:09This is the red planet that rules sex, passion, and desire.
03:15So Mars just moved into Capricorn, or Capricorn moved into Mars, one of the two.
03:20And that just happened yesterday.
03:22It kicked off on your birthday.
03:23On January 24th?
03:24Yes.
03:24And this is going to be happening until March 6th.
03:28So this is a time in your relationship to not necessarily be experimental, but this
03:35is about quantity and consistency in the bedroom.
03:39Now, the horniest signs are those that have actual horns.
03:45So Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn.
03:48Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn.
03:52Yeah, I think, Fester, are you cuspy?
03:54Are you a Taurus-Gemini mix?
03:55I'm a May 23rd, so I think I'm just past the cusp.
04:00Let me ask you a question, because I don't know all your hocus-pocus astrology stuff over
04:05here.
04:05I don't know all this.
04:06But I was born like two weeks late.
04:11I was supposed to...
04:12My mom's due date was January 12th.
04:18They let her go that long?
04:19Yep.
04:20My mom...
04:20This is 1966.
04:22So January 66th when I was born.
04:24My mom was like 20 years old or 21 years old.
04:28She was a young pregnant bride.
04:31So I was supposed to be born on January 12th, and I didn't pop out until January 24th.
04:38So I would have been a Capricorn, but I ended up being four days into Aquarius.
04:44So what does that mean?
04:45Does that mean anything?
04:46Let me tell you a couple things.
04:47Number one, that means absolutely nothing that your due date was something else.
04:50Your due date is your due date.
04:51It's a doctor's estimation.
04:53It's not when you arrive into this world.
04:55But I will do your entire chart later today.
04:57No, I don't want to...
04:58But what you're saying, though, is because of Mars and...
05:02Where's Mars?
05:02Capricorn.
05:03Mars and Capricorn.
05:04Yes.
05:04So people are horny now?
05:06Yes, because Capricorn is known as a sign that is horny and is also, you know, grounded,
05:14sensual, physical.
05:16Fess has got a look of bewilderment on his face.
05:19What three astrological signs have horns?
05:25Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn.
05:28I have driven two of those cars.
05:32I have.
05:33I've owned a Dodge Aries, and I own a Ford Taurus.
05:36I have.
05:37Wait, wait, wait.
05:38I've driven two of those cars.
05:39Is that code?
05:39I don't know.
05:40Is that code where you've dated two girls that were those signs?
05:42No, I drove a little Dodge Aries, and I drove a literal Ford Taurus.
05:47Did Chrysler or GM ever make the Capricorn?
05:50That's what I'm thinking.
05:50That's the look on my face.
05:51Is there ever been a car called the Capricorn?
05:53You know what?
05:54You know what?
05:55AMC made one just before the Pacer.
05:57They had the Capricorn.
05:58Was it?
05:59Did they?
06:01For 1974, it's the AMC Capricorn.
06:05The Chrysler Capricorn with...
06:07What's that fake leather they had?
06:09Oh, fine Corinthian leather.
06:11Yeah, yeah, fine Corinthian leather.
06:13That was Ricardo Montalban with the Cordoba.
06:16I'd buy a Chrysler Capricorn.
06:18That sounds great.
06:18The fine Corinthian leather.
06:20There's no such thing.
06:20They just made that crap up.
06:22What other cars are in your story?
06:25I'm glad we found something that interests you.
06:27But do you have to be one of those signs to be horned up good?
06:30No, that's just a little side information.
06:32No, everybody is going to be...
06:33So you think, you know, it's like topsy-turvy stock markets.
06:36Are we going to war with Russia?
06:37No, no, everybody's just horny.
06:39Did you get it on last night with Dig Dug?
06:42Whoa.
06:43I'm just asking.
06:44Listen, you're...
06:44This is personal, MJ.
06:45Well, you're doing the book report.
06:48Yeah, I'm doing a book report, not about myself.
06:51You got to do a little research for this report.
06:53You got a little music for your research report here.
06:55Break it up for Doug.
06:56Doug is a Capricorn.
06:58Yeah, Caprahorn.
07:00The other kind of people you're going to be attracted to right now...
07:03Right.
07:04Because Capricorns like power and fame and social standing.
07:07Uh-huh.
07:07So that's the kind of person you're going to be attracted to.
07:09That is Doug.
07:10Definitely get...
07:12Well, his best friend is Derek Deere.
07:13I mean, he lets you know it, too.
07:14Can I ask Joe Biden again?
07:15Hey, Joe, what do you think of Roxanne's report?
07:18What a stupid son of a bitch.
07:20Joe!
07:21He's not talking about you, Roxanne.
07:23He's talking about the report.
07:24Crazy grandpa.
07:28What a stupid son of a bitch.
07:30All right, so what do they say about Pisces?
07:32I'm having fish for dinner tonight.
07:34Uh-huh.
07:35Oh, that's right, because you're married to one.
07:37Am I?
07:37Yeah.
07:37To a fish?
07:38Allison is a Pisces.
07:39Is she a Pisces?
07:39Yeah.
07:40Then I will be having fish for dinner.
07:42Roxanne, are we done with the horny report?
07:43Wait, just a little bit more.
07:44If you give someone a gift...
07:46Sit back.
07:46I mean, this is part of the New York Post, so this sounds a little me-too-ish if you ask
07:50me, but when you give someone a gift, your expectation should be that you'll get something
07:54in return.
07:55This is according to the New York Post.
07:57Okay.
07:57So, also, people, they want to join with them or own them, and there's a lot of more graphic
08:06stuff in here.
08:07I cannot read anymore.
08:08Roxanne, hold on.
08:08There's graphic stuff that you can't read?
08:11I'm done.
08:11I'm out.
08:12When you give a gift to somebody, you're expecting something sexual in return?
08:17Yeah, that's what the article says.
08:18MJ, what was the last gift-giving activity here at work?
08:23Roxanne gave me a couple of bags of mango slices for my birthday yesterday.
08:27And what would you like from MJ in return?
08:29I'm very confused.
08:31I did give that to him in the kickoff of this whole little Mars and Capricorn segment.
08:36Coop, I think we need the music again, Coop.
08:38All right, does that conclude?
08:45All right, yeah, does everybody get the idea?
08:47Do you feel like you're educated?
08:48I want to hear what you skipped, though.
08:49I'm horny now.
08:50What couldn't you say on the air?
08:52Just too much stuff about the explicit details.
08:55Can you dance around it a little bit?
08:56I mean, hold on.
08:58It's probably like, what was that stupid movie where the guy?
09:02Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:02The Fifty Shades of Grey stuff.
09:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:04Whip you in the fish.
09:05That kind of stuff.