MJTV: Roxanne's astrology report for MJ
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00:00So, with your moon in Pisces, does that mean you're Michelle's little bitch around the house?
00:08So, Roxanne, last week, asked for some details.
00:14Well, she knew my birthday was January 24th, last Monday.
00:18So, a week ago was my birthday, January 24th.
00:21Roxanne asked for my time of birth, which I told her was 11.05.
00:26A.M. or P.M.?
00:28A.M.
00:2811.05 a.m., and then she asked me for my place of birth.
00:32And I was born in New Hyde Park, New York, on Long Island, is where I was born.
00:39On a snowy January 24th, 1966, at 11.05 a.m.
00:45By the way, it was a blizzard that day up there.
00:47Yep, my mom, they had to drive to the hospital in a blizzard, apparently.
00:51All right, so, Roxanne has all this information, and Roxanne said that she's going to give me a reading.
00:58She put the whole thing together.
01:00Roxanne says that she has me all figured out.
01:03And earlier, she said, but don't get angry.
01:06Yeah.
01:07Because we just want to, like, often you get an astrological report.
01:11It's like rainbows and flowery and glowy.
01:13But that's not how human beings are.
01:16Human beings are inherently flawed, as you are.
01:19So I'm just keeping it, like, on the realistic tip for you.
01:21All right, so you're saying that this is flawed because I'm flawed, and this is going to be a big old, what, MJ bucket of crap?
01:27Is that what this is going to be?
01:28Or is it flawed because Roxanne's flawed, and this whole thing is flawed?
01:32It's a combination of both.
01:33Okay.
01:33What if I want a flawless diamond?
01:36You got to look for the three Cs or the four Cs.
01:39Four Cs.
01:39Isn't there, like, a fifth C that starts touting now?
01:41I don't know.
01:42What about the seven Cs?
01:44Cut.
01:44Yeah.
01:45Cut, clarity, carrot size, and color.
01:48Those are the four Cs.
01:49And then cost.
01:50There you go.
01:51Yeah, that's the fact.
01:52That's not about that one.
01:52The fifth C.
01:54All right, so, Roxanne, go ahead.
01:56Put me together.
01:57Okay, should we have some music?
01:59Coop, do we have any sort of, like, ooh music?
02:01Ooh music.
02:02Oh, let me guess.
02:03Yeah.
02:03So, you've gotten with Coop to get some music, or no?
02:06Or you're asking Coop for music legitimately on the fly?
02:09I'm telepathically sending a message to Coop.
02:13It was in my horoscope this morning to get music ready.
02:15Oh, really?
02:16Yeah.
02:16Okay, all right, let's see what this is.
02:18Okay.
02:21Okay, this will work.
02:22This will work.
02:23All right, MJ, your sun sign, do you know what your sun sign is?
02:26Obviously, it's your Aquarius.
02:28Aquarius, you know that.
02:29I'm an Aquarius.
02:29Okay, your sun sign is, like, what your soul is.
02:32That's your true self.
02:33And I've always known that about you.
02:35It's kind of how I've judged you.
02:36As an Aquarius.
02:37You judge me?
02:38Yeah, like, I put you together in my mind.
02:40Don't judge me.
02:41Don't judge me.
02:42Okay, as an Aquarius, you like to think of yourselves, like, as a free thinker, out of
02:47the box, but everyone else knows that you're a total weirdo.
02:52And you're pretty smart and pretty cerebral, but you're wasting your intelligence on weird
02:58pursuits like memorizing kitchen appliance serial numbers and things like that.
03:02Okay?
03:04That is pretty stupid to do.
03:06Give me the weirdo line again.
03:07Let me hear that again.
03:07What?
03:08You're a total weirdo.
03:09Why am I a total weirdo?
03:10Because that's what Aquarians are.
03:12They're strange people.
03:13All Aquarians are strange people?
03:15All of them.
03:16Yes.
03:16Are you saying everybody born in the month of January almost is a weirdo?
03:19Yes.
03:20No, no, no.
03:21January and February both.
03:22Oh, January and February?
03:23Yeah, because Aquarius starts, like, January 20th is when Aquarius starts.
03:27You're spending quite a few people.
03:28So it's actually not the bulk.
03:30The bulk of January happens to be, what, Capricorn, right?
03:33Yes.
03:33Okay, so it's the Jan-February.
03:34Oh, you know quite a bit, don't you?
03:36I know the sign that I am.
03:38I know the sign before me.
03:39That's it.
03:40Okay, but there's more to it than just what your sun sign is.
03:43You also have to look at what...
03:45Is there a little weirdo stuff coming up?
03:47Yes.
03:47Okay, so you have to look at what your moon sign is.
03:49And your moon sign is, like, your private side.
03:52It's, like, how you are around the house, maybe in the bedroom.
03:54I don't know.
03:54But it's your private side.
03:55It's, like, your day-to-day sort of at home.
03:58Are you talking about my bedroom with Michelle?
04:00Okay, listen, just listen.
04:00So Pisces like to think of themselves as kind and thoughtful, but really what everyone
04:08says behind their backs, or to their faces, is that they're doormats.
04:12So with your moon in Pisces...
04:15Oh, God.
04:15Does that mean you're Michelle's little bitch around the house?
04:18Whoa, what?
04:19Are you?
04:20Am I Michelle's little...
04:22I think that's what this means.
04:23Really?
04:24Yeah.
04:25I think she runs the show.
04:26I think she runs you over around the house.
04:27That's pretty obvious.
04:28Wow.
04:30Let's just call you a little bitch boy.
04:31Hang on a minute.
04:32Let me, uh...
04:34MJ, I'm shocked.
04:35That music was very relaxing.
04:37I'm shocked at how amazingly accurate Roxanne was.
04:41It's amazing.
04:42Hey, are you listening to the show right now, Michelle?
04:45No.
04:46All right, Roxanne, do you want to repeat that for Michelle?
04:48Roxanne is reading me.
04:50Roxanne is giving me my whole astrological rundown since my birthday was last week, and
04:56she asked for my time of birth, the place of birth, blah, blah, blah.
04:59And Roxanne just made a statement.
05:03Would you like to repeat that?
05:04Yes.
05:04Okay, so he has a moon in Pisces, Michelle, and so I was explaining that, like, Pisces have
05:10a tendency to be kind of doormat-ish, and so then I made the conclusion that you, that
05:17actually, MJ is your little bitch around the house.
05:21Is that true?
05:22Um, no.
05:23I don't think so.
05:25Do you think so?
05:26I don't know that I would ever listen to the oppressor define what the oppressed is.
05:33Wait a second.
05:34I think we have a pretty equal relationship.
05:37I think we both kind of wear the pants.
05:39I mean, I wear the pants on certain things.
05:41Michelle wears the pants on other things.
05:43Oh, I'm so kinky.
05:45Oh, my God.
05:46Are you going to share a belt?
05:47See?
05:48Now?
05:49Hillary Clinton wears the pants all the time.
05:51And who wears the ball gag?
05:53That's the biggest question.
05:54Oh, my God.
05:54Oh, my God.
05:55We don't have a gimp in the basement with a ball gag.
05:59I mean, just at Roxanne's house, Doug does.
06:00So, that's why she's asking.
06:02Yeah.
06:04She's shocking.
06:05Michelle has to unzip her MJ's mouth to talk and give moron in the news updates, and she zippers it back up.
06:11Great.
06:12That's the one I wish.
06:13You're like a couple on billions.
06:15All right.
06:15So, oh, yeah.
06:17With Paul Giamatti and the woman that's the wife.
06:20His wife is such a good egg.
06:22She was in, what was the motorcycle show?
06:25Sons of Anarchy?
06:26Yeah, Sons of Anarchy.
06:26The motorcycle show.
06:28The show about motorcycles.
06:29The American chopper?
06:31No, no.
06:32Sons of Anarchy.
06:33Orange County?
06:35All right.
06:35Are you almost done with this, Roxanne?
06:36I have two more.
06:37Just two more.
06:37All right.
06:38Two more.
06:38Okay.
06:38So, I don't know if we agree that I'm Michelle's bitch around the house.
06:42Well, you keep telling yourself that.
06:44As you put it.
06:44Okay.
06:45Here's a bitch.
06:46All right.
06:46Michelle, hang on with us.
06:47Let's get the last two.
06:48Go ahead.
06:48Okay.
06:48So, Mercury and Capricorn.
06:50This is how you, your Mercury is how you communicate.
06:53Right.
06:53So, Capricorns are like successful, business-minded, blah, blah, blah.
06:56But really, social climbing, status-seeking snobs.
07:01And I can talk all the crap I want about Capricorns because I own one.
07:05And you think you're in charge, but you're not really.
07:09You own a Capricorn?
07:11Doug.
07:11Hold on.
07:12What does that mean?
07:13I think I'm in charge, but I'm not?
07:15No.
07:16Capricorns think they're in charge.
07:17They want to be in charge.
07:18All right.
07:18So, how does this relate to me?
07:20This is how you communicate, like you're in charge, like you're the leader.
07:22He is the leader.
07:23I know.
07:24I know.
07:24I think you said that I communicate that way, but I'm really not.
07:27Is that what you said?
07:27No, no, no.
07:28I just said you think you're in charge.
07:30Okay.
07:31Am I in charge?
07:32Yeah.
07:32Okay.
07:33Well, thank you.
07:33I think he's in charge.
07:34Yeah.
07:34We were.
07:35There's a hierarchy here.
07:37Yeah.
07:37I get it.
07:38Okay.
07:38And finally, your Aries is how you present, or excuse me, your rising sign is how you present
07:44yourself to the world.
07:45And you have a rising sign in Aries.
07:47So, Aries, think of like, Aries is a ram, so they ram into things, and it's like, take
07:53charge.
07:55Think of all the-
07:55By the way, an Aries was a hideous Chrysler car, which Fester actually owned.
08:00Okay.
08:00So, the Chrysler was the Chrysler Reliant.
08:03Aries K.
08:03It was the Dodge Aries.
08:05Dodge Aries K or something like that?
08:07And mine was the color mauve.
08:09Oh, God.
08:10Yeah.
08:11All right.
08:11Fester, that car was the most hideous vehicle ever built.
08:14Mauve.
08:15That was the first car we ever destroyed on the MJ Morning Show.
08:18We dropped it on a piano.
08:19It was.
08:20We dropped Fester's Aries K.
08:22You had the Chrysler version, right?
08:24I had the Dodge.
08:25Dodge Aries.
08:26Dodge Aries.
08:26And the Chrysler version was what?
08:28The Reliant.
08:29Yeah, the Reliant.
08:30The Reliant.
08:30That was one of the most ugly cars ever designed.
08:33Lay Iacocca saved Chrysler and Dodge with that vehicle.
08:36You shut your mouth.
08:38I'm sorry to veer.
08:39Sorry to swerve.
08:43I'm sorry to swerve off course there with the Dodge products.
08:45Okay, that's a perfect example because Aries, like, they flit from thing to thing and veer
08:49off.
08:49And think of all the I-M-P words, like, important, impulsive.
08:55Impish.
08:56Imp.
08:57Just imp in general.
08:57How about impotent?
08:58Impotent.
08:59Impotent.
08:59Yes.
09:01And the big one for you, impatient.
09:04Impatient.
09:04When is a new studio going to be done?
09:06Okay, hurry up.
09:07Hurry up.
09:08So.
09:09Important.
09:10Yeah, we did that one.
09:12Impotent.
09:12That was the only two I could think of.
09:13Impossible.
09:15Imperial.
09:16Imperial.
09:17There you go.
09:18And that's it?
09:18That's my reading?
09:20Wow, that was something.
09:22Wow.
09:22You want to leave the show and do it professionally, maybe?
09:26That was pretty good.
09:27That was in depth.
09:28You want to open up a little storefront with a little crystal ball in the window?
09:32Madam Roxanne.
09:33Yeah, I'm going to do that.
09:35Implication.
09:36Impractical.
09:38Impassioned.
09:39Imprausable.
09:40Imprausable.
09:41Impressed with my report.
09:42Improportionate?
09:43Is that a word?
09:44Improbable?
09:46And now I'm just looking up imp words.
09:47Impoverished.
09:48All right, Michelle, do you have any final words on this?
09:50You are impatient.
09:52Yeah, I am impatient.
09:53Yeah, there's no doubt about it.
09:54I'm totally impatient.
09:55All right, sweetie, I might call you later for something.
09:58Sweet.
09:59Control that impulse and don't.
10:01Oh, you get laser burn face again today?
10:03Is that true?
10:04Yeah, but not the real serious one.
10:07So you don't get the one where it looks like you've been in a four-alarm fire?
10:10Oh, my God!
10:11Look at Michelle's face!
10:13No.
10:13All right, so what are you getting?
10:14I'm getting the sun-burning one.
10:15You're getting the sun-burning one?
10:16Sounds awesome.
10:17I'll tell you what, Michelle's face and skin, she looks like she's 24 and my bride all
10:23over again.
10:24Mm-hmm.
10:24Mm-hmm.
10:25Is there something you want?
10:27Yeah.
10:27No, there's nothing I want.
10:28I'm just telling you that your face looks fantastic with all these treatments where it looks like
10:32you're, well, listen, she gets these laser treatments and everything, and for like two
10:36days it looks like she tripped and fell into a campfire.
10:39Right.
10:39But then it heals up, and it's like it's amazing, and then her skin is like she's in her
10:4520s again, so.
10:47All good.
10:47All right, so you're going later today, right?
10:49Yeah.
10:50All right, see you later.
10:51Bye.
10:52Bye.
10:52Oh, impacted.
10:54Impacted.
10:55Impacted, yes.
10:55MJ's quite impacted.
10:57I had a cousin once that had an impacted bowel.
10:59Oh, yeah.
11:00That's no joke.
11:01That's no joke.
11:02That's the only definition I can think of.
11:04Apparently it was like concrete in there, and they had to go to the hospital, and he was
11:08about to explode.
11:09Yeah, that's not good.
11:10They make a stick for that.
11:12They make a what?
11:13A long stick.
11:13Oh, I don't want to hear.
11:14They don't.
11:15I don't want to hear about the long stick.
11:16I don't want to hear about the lung.