MJTV: Roxanne's Mom Got Her a Naughty Bedroom Game for Christmas
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00:00You dumped me!
00:00Santa!
00:01Santa Claus!
00:02What?
00:03Did you dump that?
00:04I just dumped that!
00:05No, it wasn't anything bad.
00:07You didn't say anything, you maniac.
00:10I just dumped that.
00:12What were you going to say?
00:16First, Roxanne.
00:19Roxanne comes to me yesterday and says,
00:23you got to take a look at what my mom gave me as a stocking stuffer over Christmas.
00:31Now, Roxanne, your mom is how old?
00:34Well, I'm not going to say a lady's age, but she's older than 70.
00:37And please bear in mind that she...
00:39I'm not going to say her age, but she's older than 70.
00:41It doesn't matter.
00:42I'm not going to say her age.
00:43She's older than 90.
00:44I'm not going to say her age.
00:45She had me late in life, Esther.
00:47Just keep that in mind.
00:48Very late in life.
00:48Very fertile medical miracle.
00:49The point is, after 70, do you really give a rat's ass?
00:52You told him I was 73.
00:54Are you saying your mom is Fertile Myrtle?
00:56Don't tell him I'm 90.
00:59I'm trying to not reveal my age by telling how old she is.
01:01I don't want to say her age.
01:03Don't say her age.
01:04You know, my mom wouldn't want that.
01:06So your mom gave you...
01:08Did she actually give you a stocking?
01:10Yes, she did.
01:11So, of course, it's Christmas Day.
01:12Everybody, our whole family is around under the tree.
01:15The kids are opening their stockings, the grandkids.
01:18Hold on, Roxanne.
01:19You're 36 years old, and she's still giving you a stocking?
01:23Yeah.
01:23Yeah, I am.
01:24I still get one.
01:26All right.
01:26I hope that doesn't run out when I turn 40 or something.
01:29All right.
01:29So, in the stocking was a deck of cards.
01:35Yes.
01:35A deck of cards.
01:36It was wrapped?
01:37Okay.
01:37It was wrapped, and I have it here in my hand right now.
01:40And I opened this in front of my whole family, in front of my daughters.
01:43Right.
01:44Oh, my gosh.
01:44That's great.
01:45So, in the stocking stuffer is this deck of cards, and Roxanne showed this to me yesterday.
01:50I'm like, oh, my God.
01:51We've got to talk about this.
01:52Yes.
01:53Why don't you read what this deck of cards is that your mother, your over-70 mother, gave
02:01you as a stocking stuffer?
02:02Well, this is called Sexy Santa Says.
02:05That's what this deck of cards is called.
02:06This is like a card game called Sexy Santa Says?
02:10Yes, like Mother May I, but something different.
02:13Oh, it's like something you'd find in a Spencer's or something.
02:15It's just a regular deck of cards, but these little tricks on them, I suppose.
02:19And it's the game for couples who wish to keep being naughty this year.
02:23Can I see this thing?
02:24Yes, you can.
02:25Just hand this thing over to me.
02:26Is this something you get, like, at a gag store?
02:28Yeah, just like a Spencer's.
02:30It's like the size of a regular deck of cards, and it says, Sexy Santa Says, and then it's
02:36a picture of a buff Santa Claus with his red suit open showing massive Arnold Schwarzenegger
02:43sized pectoral muscles.
02:46Yeah.
02:46Santa doesn't look like that.
02:48With his naughty list.
02:49Santa's overweight.
02:50And then Santa, it's a buff, totally ripped Santa Claus, and Santa's holding, like, a scroll
02:57that's unfolded, and it says, you made his naughty list.
03:01Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
03:02So your mother gave you this.
03:04Now, Rox, I'm going to pass this back over to you.
03:07Just throw it.
03:08There you go.
03:08And I want you to just open up this deck of cards.
03:10Okay.
03:11Are there instructions on the back of this deck as to how you play?
03:15Yes, there are, you know, different cards.
03:17Sexy Santa, Mrs. Claus, Vixen and Rudolph, Mistletoe.
03:21Okay, let me.
03:21All right, so.
03:22You just did a bunch of random Christmas words.
03:25You didn't get any direction.
03:25That's what, that's what the, sorry, but it's like, you're going to kiss under the
03:29mistletoe.
03:30Santa will expect you to do things like, suck.
03:33Okay.
03:33I'm not going to say that.
03:34All right, stop.
03:35What does it say?
03:36Santa?
03:39Say it once.
03:39Suck his.
03:40Dump!
03:41Santa Claus.
03:42Santa Claus.
03:43What?
03:44Did you dump that?
03:45I just dumped that.
03:46No, it wasn't anything bad.
03:48You didn't say anything, you maniac.
03:51I just, I just dumped that.
03:53What were you going to say?
03:55North Pole.
03:57You can't say that.
03:59Okay, you can't say that.
04:00You can't say that.
04:01MJ, what do you think these cards say?
04:03Oh my God.
04:04Did I get that dump?
04:06I'll tell you what, folks.
04:08Candy cane would have made more sense.
04:09The dump will be on the podcast later on.
04:12Can you read any more of that?
04:14Well, yeah, we are.
04:15That's, that's.
04:16Okay.
04:16We are?
04:17I've got big questions about this whole segment.
04:19Yeah, what?
04:19If you, if you dumped Roxanne after saying two words.
04:23Yeah, but that was, that was horrific.
04:25You can't have those two words back to back, I don't think.
04:27You can't, you can't say that.
04:29Or, no, no, no.
04:29But what, it was like thumb.
04:30All right.
04:31I mean, MJ.
04:32Oh, suck your, suck his thumb.
04:34Oh, God.
04:35Whoa, dump yourself.
04:36You just, what?
04:37But no, it was, the context is what makes it.
04:41And you didn't even let her give a context.
04:43Yeah.
04:43MJ, these are sexy Santa cards.
04:45All the contexts are going to be racy.
04:47And, and, and North Polish.
04:49All right.
04:50I can't see.
04:50I'm sure they don't get any daughter, not nearer than that.
04:52I can't believe that your mother over 70 gave you this.
04:58All right.
04:58Mm-hmm.
04:59Open up the deck of cards.
05:00Okay.
05:00Just do a shuffle.
05:01And just, don't even, don't, don't even, don't even, don't even shuffle them.
05:05Okay.
05:06Open up the deck and just start peeling them off.
05:08Let's just see what happens.
05:10All right.
05:10Just start reading them off?
05:11Hold on, yeah.
05:12Just, just start peeling off the sexy Santa cards and read.
05:16In a sexy voice?
05:17No, just a regular voice.
05:18No, no, normal voice.
05:19But listen, you got to have a filter because you got to be able to quickly look at it and
05:24see, see if it's acceptable to say on the air.
05:26She's not going to say anything.
05:27I mean.
05:28All right.
05:28Read card number one in the sexy Santa cards.
05:32Sexy Santa says, guide my sleigh tonight by pulling on the reins inside my pants.
05:38Okay.
05:38All right.
05:39That's, that's okay.
05:40What?
05:42Wait a minute.
05:43But.
05:44The visual is awesome.
05:45How do you play this game?
05:47You just give each other the cards.
05:48It's like, it's like go fish.
05:50Oh, so it's not a real game.
05:52It's just kind of like a.
05:52Oh, it's not a real game.
05:54Are you kidding?
05:54You pull on the reins in my pants and it's a game.
05:56It's like a provocative thought starter is what it is.
05:59You just came up with that.
06:02Okay.
06:03I'm going to pass the cards out in the room.
06:04How about that?
06:04No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
06:06Is that like rummy?
06:07I want you to read the cards.
06:09To continue to read them?
06:10Yes.
06:10Don't pass them out.
06:12Well, here's the one I just got dumped for.
06:14I'm not going to read that one.
06:15Oh, that was, that was the one.
06:17Yeah.
06:17Oh, you can't say that.
06:18You almost hit me in the face with that.
06:19I'm not going to read that one.
06:21Okay.
06:21Well, you can't read the.
06:22No.
06:23They're bad.
06:24They're bad.
06:25Okay.
06:25What does that have to do with?
06:26Just hold on to the camera.
06:27I can do this one.
06:28Be a ho, ho, ho by grinding on me during a lap dance.
06:31Your mother gave you these cards.
06:35I like that one.
06:36Did your mom have any idea what was in these cards?
06:38I don't think so.
06:39Hold on.
06:40I don't think so.
06:40Is she trying to spice up?
06:42Does she know that, are there issues with you and Doug?
06:45It's funny you should say that.
06:47We should give these to Roxanne.
06:49It's probably a nice canasta set.
06:52Is your mom trying to spark things up again with you and Dig Dug?
06:55Are there issues there of you guys?
06:58We did have a little lover's quarrel in front of her around Thanksgiving.
07:03Really?
07:03Oh my God.
07:04That's why she gave you this?
07:05And did you cut them off?
07:07No.
07:07No.
07:08Nothing like that.
07:09All right.
07:09Nothing like that.
07:10But I'm just trying to think why she would have.
07:12I need to help Roxanne.
07:13You guys are fighting at the Thanksgiving table and she's like, I have to save my daughter's
07:17relationship.
07:18I'm going to go to Spencer Gifts and get her sexy Santa cards.
07:22Hmm.
07:24Yes.
07:24Talking about his North Pole.
07:26Hmm.
07:26Jeez.
07:27And then I might as well get a disco ball while I'm there.
07:29Yes.
07:30And a skull cup.
07:31My mom does not talk like that.
07:33And, and, oh, wait a sec.
07:34I'm going to buy this back massager.
07:36Oh.
07:37I can stand in front of this poster selection display for hours.
07:43Spencer's Gifts has everything you need.
07:45Just a couple more before we, before we move on.
07:48Oh, here's one with, it has, um, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on it.
07:51It says, cheers.
07:52Explain to your lover why he or she should spank you for being naughty this year.
07:56Oh.
07:56Oh, that's, that's cute.
07:58And then here's Mrs. Claus.
07:59That one sucks.
08:00I'm not into violence.
08:01Okay.
08:02Well, Mrs. Claus says she's in a dominatrix outfit, by the way.
08:05Oh, man.
08:06Look at Mrs. Claus's boobs.
08:08This is sacrilegious.
08:09Look at Mrs. Claus.
08:10Wait, don't let him read that.
08:12In a dominatrix outfit.
08:13They've got Mrs. Claus as a dumb?
08:17Look at her.
08:18Okay, Mrs. Claus says all I want.
08:19She's operating a dungeon.
08:21Don't read it.
08:22Mrs. Claus says all I want for Christmas is you on your knees, eager to please.
08:26I mean, that's what Jesus wants, too.
08:29So, I mean, not that far off.
08:32Right.
08:32Says Fester the Catholic.
08:34I mean, you need Jesus in your life, right?
08:35You pray, right?
08:36I mean, I don't see a pew anywhere.
08:39All right.
08:40Sexy Santa says dance for me like a slutty sugar plum fairy.
08:43Hold on.
08:43What does it say?
08:44What?
08:44Hold on.
08:44Hold on.
08:45Sexy Santa says dance for me like a slutty sugar plum fairy?
08:52I mean, I know a sugar plum fairy, but she's really straight-laced.
08:56Who's this addressed to?
08:58I mean, who's the sugar plum fairy?
09:00Froggy.
09:01Sugar plum fairy.
09:02Sounds like a Beatles song.
09:03Come on.
09:03Next.
09:04More?
09:05Why don't we call your...
09:06Are you kidding?
09:06I'll tell you.
09:07We ought to call your mom.
09:08You want to call her?
09:08We ought to call her right now and have you read these with your mom on the phone.
09:12No.
09:12What's your mom?
09:13Dude, that's so awkward.
09:15Send Roxanne to her mother's house tonight and have mom read them.
09:19Hi.
09:20Dance for me like a slutty sugar plum fairy.
09:24She doesn't sound like that.
09:25She probably sounds like this.
09:26Dance with me like a sugar plum fairy.
09:28We ought to call your mom right now.
09:30You ought to...
09:31My mom doesn't wake up this early.
09:33Sexy Santa says roast my chestnuts.
09:35All right.
09:36Well, I mean, that's what you do with them.
09:38I'll text her and see if she's awake.
09:40Any more?
09:40Yeah.
09:41Come on.
09:41Read some good ones.
09:43Two more.
09:45Sexy Santa says use your mouth to show me what Christmas future has in store.
09:51What?
09:52What?
09:53Well, what?
09:54By speaking it?
09:55All right.
09:56This.
09:56All right.
09:56One more.
09:57One more good one.
09:58Come on.
09:58Come on.
09:58Give it to me.
09:59This is Mrs. Claus.
10:00Give it to me, baby.
10:01And she says tie your reins to bind my hands and do naughty things to me.
10:06I love Mrs. Claus.
10:07Sexy Santa wants you to jingle his bells?
10:11Well, you know, they work so hard making toys.
10:14They need time to cut loose together.
10:16A lot of pressure.
10:17You really need it to release.
10:18I just want to know if your mother is trying to spice things up with your sex life with
10:26you and Dig Dug.
10:28That's what I want to know.
10:28Well, it didn't come with a, you know, guarantee to watch our children or something.
10:33So, I don't know.
10:34Oh, my God.