A Bit of a Do S01E04 The Charity Horse-Racing Evening (1989)
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00:00I can't, Colin. I've got a bit of a due on. They're raising money for our theatre by showing
00:13films of horse races. Absolutely, not me at all. But Graham Wintergreen, the theatre manager,
00:21has invited me. I'm on the committee of the operatic. The things we have to suffer for
00:26are a sense of civic responsibility.
00:56I can't, Colin. I've got a bit of a due on. They're raising money for our theatre by showing
01:16films of horse races. Absolutely, not me at all. But I can't, Colin. I've got a bit of a due on.
01:18A bride's dimension attracts attention. A scruffy young groom unifies convention. A bit of a due,
01:24bit of a due. Invited to a bit of a due. Do, do, do.
01:42Hello. Oh, hello, Graham. Yeah, well, sorry to hear about this. Yeah, sorry. Well, yes, thanks. That's 50p.
01:5850p. Oh.
02:03There you go, sir. Just the job, tickety-boo. I'll get that. I'm not that broke, Ted. And two
02:09vodka tonics, please. Two vodka tonics can do, no problem. Here we go. You're early. Yeah, well, cheers.
02:15I wasn't sure whether I could face coming into a crowded room, you know what I mean? Ted, nobody'll gloat.
02:20We aren't like that. Have a sympathy of every man and woman here tonight. Sympathy? It's worse than gloating,
02:26sympathy. It's a bugger, his sympathy.
02:43Now, keep the change, Eric. Eric, you do me a favour. If my wife, if at any stage you think she's had a bit too much,
02:52well, let's face it, she has been known to, bless her, will you signal to me? Certainly, sir, can do, no problem.
02:58What sort of signal? Oh, say, raise your right arm, eye above your head, as if stretching like so.
03:05Ooh, touch of rheumatism. Ah, shame. Is Betty not here? Oh, aye. We must all help to save our theatre, mustn't we?
03:12It'll be tragic if it goes under. Tragic. Absolutely. It's a nice little theatre, isn't it? Well, we've never actually been.
03:19Oh, you should. It's very attractive. You'd never know it was built on the site of an abattoir.
03:25Oh, how, how's Liz? Ah, the faintest I did... Oh. Ah, at last. Hello, Ted, love. Hello, Lawrence.
03:36Betty, you look very... Thank you. It's my teeth. I've decided not to sue you after all.
03:43I'd have had to keep them as you left them for months and mumble at everybody, so I've had the bridge redone on the National Health.
03:49Half the price and twice as good. Betty. How's Rita? Haven't the faintest idea. I haven't seen her.
03:58Oh, well, you'll see her tonight. You will. She's coming. Neville's giving her a lift. Neville.
04:05Everybody all right? Congratulations, Lawrence. Oh, thank you, Graham. Lawrence, I...
04:15Now, I don't know if this is good news or bad news, but I met Liz in town. She's coming tonight.
04:23Ah. Well, she's always been a great aficionado of the boards. Thank you for warning me, Graham.
04:30I don't know what Graham had to be so mysterious about. It was just to tell me that Liz is coming tonight.
04:38Good. I hope you'll be very happy.
04:44Congratulations. I'm her grandfather. Jenny's had a little boy. Oh, lovely. Bless her.
04:52Weighed eight pounds ten ounces and they're calling him Thomas. She was so sure it was going to be a girl.
04:57Ah, well, there you are. That's life. Can I get you a drink to celebrate?
05:01Oh, well, under the circumstances, two vodka tonics. Thank you.
05:07Under the circumstances? You make it sound as if there were circumstances under which you'd have refused.
05:13Well, there are. Such as? If it were Lawrence, he'd gone bankrupt.
05:17Yes, well, he should have for what he did to me. I've been struck off or defrocked or whatever happens to dentists.
05:23Drilled out, I expect.
05:28Oh, do you know, people never fail to surprise me. I'd never have thought Lawrence was the sort of man to remember a baby's weight.
05:34Eight pounds ten's probably the price of a fillet steak at the Majestic.
05:42This could be a very interesting evening. This could be a marvellous evening.
05:46Marvellous? Reconciliation between Ted and Rita. Between Lawrence and Liz.
05:51Well, I hardly thought you'd want Lawrence and Liz to get back together again.
05:54Oh, but I do. They deserve each other.
05:57Ted's still bankrupt, though, whichever road you look at him.
06:00Hello. Hello. How are things in the world of intensive chicken farming?
06:05Ah, very good. As long as you're not an intensive chicken.
06:08Betty. Good, good. What are you two having to...
06:13What are you two planning to put your money on in the first race?
06:17Oh, I don't know. I haven't studied the form yet.
06:19I don't intend to study the form. Winning isn't the object of the exercise. The object of the exercise is to give for our theatre.
06:25Absolutely. Well done. Rita, what are you having?
06:28Er, gin and tonic, please, Neville.
06:32Ted's here. I know, I've seen him.
06:36I think he'd like a word with you. Good. I look forward to hearing what he has to say.
06:43Ah, lovely. Thank you.
06:46To Thomas. Thomas. Thomas.
06:52He's podgy, pink-balled and smelly. Exactly.
06:56Pardon? Well, I'd never have thought you were a lover of babies. I was surprised you remembered his weight.
07:01Ah, well, to be honest, I might not have, but £8.10 happens to be the price of a rump steak at the Majestic.
07:07God, their prices have got worse. I thought it were a fillet.
07:10Pardon?
07:16Oh, lovely.
07:21He looks just like you, Paul. Mum.
07:24No, I mean like you were at his age. What, do you mean he'll grow up to look like Paul?
07:28Really?
07:30Are you disappointed it's a boy? No, I'm glad.
07:33I felt guilty about being so sure it's a girl.
07:36I'd hate to burden it with sexist favouritism before it was even born.
07:42Oh, Lord. What?
07:44Your uncle never wanted children so much.
07:48Hello!
07:52Oh, hello. Hello, Liz.
07:55You're dressed to kill. Who's the victim?
07:59Jerry. Oh, my word.
08:02Oh, he's getting to look just like you did at that age.
08:07Hello, Tom. Hello, little Tommy.
08:10Hey, I suppose I'm an uncle now.
08:12It's Thomas, and will you keep that smoke away from him?
08:15Sorry.
08:17Hello, Thomas. I'm your dad's brother. I'm your Uncle Elvis.
08:21That doesn't sound right.
08:24He's pretty repulsive, isn't he?
08:26Oh, shut up, Elvis. Your pseudo-macho cynicism's a bore.
08:30Oh, Jenny, is your brother going to be here?
08:32I think so. Why?
08:34I enjoy insulting him. He takes it so seriously.
08:38Well, listen, I'll take him upstairs. They've got the baby-minding services.
08:41Come on, lovey.
08:43Oh, yes.
08:46Oh, well, well, well.
08:49How's my little grandson, then, eh?
08:52Oh, look, he looks grand. He's great.
08:55Have you seen Rita?
08:57No, I haven't spoken to her.
08:59You know, I mean, well, what can I say?
09:01You'll have to talk to her sometime, Dad.
09:03Yeah, I was rather hoping that she'd talk to me.
09:05I think under the circumstances, it's up to you to speak to her.
09:09Yes, I know, I know, but...
09:11They're talking about you.
09:13It's going to be embarrassing for you if yours goes up looking like Ted, isn't it?
09:16Please, Rita. I did love him, you know.
09:19Ah, for several months. Your persistence does you credit.
09:22Well, I'd have thought you'd be pleased I'd left him.
09:24It makes me very angry.
09:26You broke up my marriage, and for what?
09:28The moment he's bankrupt, you're off like a shot.
09:30Well, that's unfair.
09:31Is it?
09:32You shied away from the social disgrace like a terrified horse.
09:35That is not fair.
09:37You shied away from the social disgrace like a terrified horse.
09:40That is an exaggeration.
09:42I stood by him for three and a half weeks after it happened.
09:45Do you want a medal?
09:46Oh, it was an awful time.
09:47I mean, we had no money.
09:49We couldn't go out.
09:50Millions have to live their own lives like that.
09:53Yes, I've realized how much I admire them.
09:56Well, it's a start, I suppose.
09:58Ted didn't make it easy, Rita.
10:00Oh, he can be a difficult man.
10:02Oh, really?
10:04Thank you for that information.
10:05I didn't realize that.
10:06But then I've only been married to him for 26 years.
10:12I want to say one thing, Rita.
10:14Please don't blame Ted.
10:16The whole affair was entirely my fault.
10:19Ladies and gentlemen.
10:21Ladies and gentlemen, please.
10:23Good evening.
10:24My name's Graham Wintergreen.
10:26I'm the manager of the Theatre Royal,
10:28the so-called gem of Slaughterhouse Lane.
10:31I'll be running the tote.
10:33We're going to show you a film of six races.
10:35All the profits go to the theatre,
10:37so please bet generously.
10:39We have a very special guest here tonight,
10:42the well-known actor, Harvey Wedgwood.
10:44Harvey starred in our very first production,
10:47and he certainly didn't seem like a lamb being led to the slaughter.
10:53He hasn't arrived yet, but he's reported to be on his way.
10:57There'll be a fork supper after the second race,
11:00and I'm told that the hotel goulash
11:02is never forgotten by those who've experienced it.
11:05Thank you.
11:08Entirely your fault.
11:10How dare you insult me by suggesting
11:12I spent half my adult life with a man so pathetic
11:14he isn't responsible for his own actions?
11:16Let's not argue in public, Rita.
11:18I'm only supposed to be supporting the drama, not making it.
11:21All rather bad form, would you say?
11:23Well, yes, I would.
11:24What will people think?
11:25Well, yes.
11:27It's funny, I've worried about that all my life.
11:29Now I hardly seem to give a damn.
11:35Mum, will you talk to Dad?
11:37Of course I will.
11:38Oh, good, thanks.
11:40Mum, are you and Doug going to talk to each other?
11:43I think that's up to him.
11:45I'm not going to humiliate myself by making the first move.
11:48Is there someone I'd like you to meet, Dad?
11:51Dad, this is Mum.
11:54Hello, Lawrence.
11:56Hello, Lawrence.
11:58What a memory you have for names.
12:04They're at the post.
12:07And they're off.
12:09And going for the lead on the inside.
12:11That's number 1 with number 5 out in the middle of the track.
12:13Number 2 charging up now between horses.
12:16It's number 1, number 2 and number 5 as they go down the back stretch.
12:20Number 1 in front and there goes number 2 up to challenge for the lead.
12:23Number 2 now on even terms and now going to the front.
12:26It's number 2 in front with number 1 second.
12:29Number 5 in white is in third position.
12:31Number 4 in green along the inside fourth.
12:33That's number 8 fifth.
12:35Number 6 is sixth.
12:36Number 7 seventh.
12:37And trailing it's number 3.
12:39And as they move around the turn, that's number 2 now gaining the lead.
12:42Number 5 in white charging up on the outside is now second.
12:45Has number 1 dropped back to be third?
12:47Number 4 in fourth position.
12:49Number 6 is fifth.
12:51Number 7 sixth.
12:52Number 3 is seventh.
12:53And trailing it's number 8.
12:55And as they move around the turn, it's number 2 saving ground
12:58with number 5 challenging on the outside.
13:00Number 5 now gaining the lead as they come into the stretch.
13:03It's number 5 in front with number 2 second.
13:06Number 4 coming on now to be third.
13:08Number 6 is fourth.
13:10Number 1 is fifth.
13:11Number 7 sixth.
13:12And now they're coming to the wire.
13:14And it's number 5 now opening up a clear lead with number 2 second.
13:18Number 4 on the outside in green and gold is now in third position
13:21and now moving up to be second.
13:23And as they go onto the wire, the winner by four legs is number 5
13:26with number 4 second, number 2 offensive.
13:30Well done, love.
13:33I'm supposed to be supporting a charity, not winning.
13:36I want people like Ted to need it to win.
13:39Don't go, Ted.
13:41I'm only going to the gym.
13:42Oh, what a relief.
13:44But it will be for me and all if you let me go.
13:46Oh.
13:48Could I have a word with you in private, Ted?
13:50There's a kind of storeroom in the corridor directly opposite the lift.
13:53See you there in a minute.
13:57There you go, madam.
13:58Just the job, tickety-boo.
13:59Thank you, Eric.
14:00Oh, could I ask you to do me a favour?
14:02If you notice that Rodney's having a bit too much,
14:05I mean he has been known to bless him,
14:07could you give me some sort of signal?
14:09Certainly, madam, can do, no problem.
14:11But what sort of signal?
14:13Well, if you could just raise your right arm as though flexing it.
14:17Oh, dear, I'm afraid it'll have to be my left arm.
14:19Why?
14:21Pull my shoulder.
14:23Now, Elvis, how's our philosophy graduate enjoying life amongst the frozen poultry?
14:30If you were my brother's wife's brother,
14:32I'd make my highly desirable manual extremity extremely convenient
14:36for your spacious breathing and blowing organ.
14:39Pardon?
14:40A punch on the nose.
14:42I was using estate agent ease.
14:44This is a false image of our profession, Elvis.
14:46Oh, yeah?
14:47I went to look at that place in Power Station Lane yesterday.
14:50You said plenty of scope for improvement.
14:52You meant it's falling down.
14:54You said totally secluded garden.
14:57You meant the cooling towers block off the sun completely.
14:59Lies, Simon, lies.
15:01Not lies, Elvis.
15:02Sensible rearrangement of the truth.
15:05I see.
15:07Well, if you continue to make fun of me,
15:09snobbish, supercilious, dark-suited, light-minded,
15:12overprivileged, undereducated, overpaid underling,
15:15I shall make a sensible rearrangement of your face.
15:18Build in the family friendship.
15:20Great.
15:27Carol, we can't talk here.
15:30There's a star room in the corridor directly opposite the window.
15:33Meet me there in a couple of minutes.
15:40Rodney.
15:41Oh.
15:42What's this all about?
15:44I'd like to give you my winnings so you're someone to bet with.
15:46I didn't want folks to see.
15:48I don't want your charity.
15:50I'm a Yorkshireman.
15:51It isn't charity, Ted. It's lifelong friendship.
15:53Look, there's no use pretending you haven't gone bankrupt.
15:56I haven't. I've gone into voluntary liquidation.
15:58It isn't bankruptcy. It isn't voluntary liquidation.
16:00You've got cash problems, as of now, though, haven't you?
16:02I mean, you're skint.
16:03And you know you'd help me out if I went back...
16:05into voluntary liquidation.
16:07Of course, but you haven't, have you?
16:08I mean, you're taking staff on.
16:09You even took our Elvis on.
16:11You weren't too pleased, either.
16:12Well, no, I mean, it rubbed you did a bit that I couldn't, didn't it?
16:14I didn't take Elvis on to rub anything in, Ted.
16:16I took him on out of family friendship.
16:18My business isn't doing too well, either, by the way.
16:21Don't tell me soon you'll be going into voluntary liquidation.
16:24I'm not saying I will. I'm saying I could.
16:26Well, that's a bit irresponsible, taking our Elvis on, then, wasn't it?
16:29Well, I have to take on staff to create the confidence
16:31through the crisis that might cause me to sack them
16:33if I hadn't taken them on.
16:36No, I don't want your money.
16:37Do I think so that bad?
16:38It isn't my money. It's my winnings.
16:40You said you'd help me if I got into trouble.
16:42I'm just paying you back for your kindness, tit for tat.
16:44Only I'm doing it in advance, so tat for tits.
16:46I don't want it, Rodney.
16:47Rodney, I'm telling you...
16:48Oh!
16:49Sorry.
16:50Am I interrupting something?
16:52No, absolutely nothing.
16:54We were just...
16:55Just leaving.
16:57Yeah.
17:00There you are.
17:01Paul.
17:06Oh, heck!
17:10Cheers.
17:11Cheers.
17:12So you at least are still prepared to talk to me?
17:14My dear Liz...
17:16I'm not wildly popular just now.
17:18The same people who were furious with me for going to live with Ted
17:21are even more furious with me for leaving him.
17:23My dear Liz, it's always a joy to talk to you.
17:26Now, I must take Rita her drink.
17:28You're being very attentive to her.
17:30I've had her on my conscience.
17:32What?
17:34It's very embarrassing.
17:35She keeps trying to cheer me up.
17:37Tells me I'll get over it.
17:39Time is a great healer.
17:40That sort of rot.
17:41What she doesn't seem to realise is
17:43I want to hang on to my grief
17:45because it's the only thing of Jane I have left.
17:47I've been inexcusably rude to Rita several times.
17:50Jane was very upset.
17:52I beg your pardon?
17:54Oh, Lord, I'm not going mad, Liz.
17:56I know Jane's dead.
17:58But she comes to me in dreams
18:00and she seems so real.
18:02She ticked me off last week for being so rude to Rita.
18:05Jane lays great store...
18:07laid great store by manners.
18:10I'm being very charming to Rita for Jane's sake.
18:13Rita does have a point, Neville.
18:15What?
18:16You must try and live in the present.
18:18Why don't you shut up?
18:19What do you know about what it's like?
18:26I'm Harvey Wedgwood, the actor.
18:29I'm Neville Badger, the solicitor.
18:33Ah, I know you, don't I?
18:35Very possibly.
18:37Yes, you've just taken over the off-licence in Frog Lane, haven't you?
18:41I'm Harvey Wedgwood, the actor.
18:44Oh, good Lord, I am sorry.
18:46Please, it's such a bore being constantly recognised.
18:49Now, tell me about yourself. You are who?
18:51Oh, I'm just Ted Simcock.
18:53And what do you do for a crust, Ted Simcock?
18:56Well, I used to have a little foundry,
18:58but I've gone into voluntary liquidation.
19:00I once played a bankrupt.
19:02The critics said I was too cheerful.
19:04They always do, but I believe in looking on the bright side.
19:07What's wrong with that?
19:08Ted, I want you to meet a lady I was lucky enough to be introduced to tonight.
19:12Liz Rodenhurst, Ted Simcock.
19:15How do you do?
19:16Ow!
19:17It's all hurting.
19:19Good.
19:20Now you know how it feels to be squeezed through a mangle.
19:23I get the impression you two know each other.
19:26Inside out.
19:28Well, do excuse me.
19:29Uncle Harvey must go and place his bet on the next race, eh?
19:35Well, what does it feel like to be back in the world of comfort and respectability?
19:39You didn't exactly make it easy for me to stay.
19:42You didn't exactly make it easy for me to make it easy for you to stay.
19:47How's Lawrence looking forward to bringing up my baby?
19:50I haven't seen him.
19:52I must say, Ted, I admire your courage and gallantry.
19:56Not half as much as I admire yours.
19:58They're saying far worse things about you now about me.
20:10You'll be all right in here.
20:12Everyone we know is in the functions room.
20:14I don't want to arouse suspicion.
20:16Oh, is that why I suggested meeting in the store room?
20:18I didn't know my dad would be in there.
20:21I'm a happily married man, Cole. I don't want to destroy that.
20:24You should have thought of that before you...
20:26Yes, I know, I know.
20:28But me wife needn't know, need she?
20:30I don't even know your wife.
20:31Yeah, well, she's here tonight, so if you could avoid her...
20:33I have no desire to meet her.
20:36I didn't mean to do what I did.
20:39I was...
20:41I just had a son.
20:43I was...
20:44exalted.
20:46You were as exalted as a newt.
20:49Well, you were pretty exalted yourself.
20:53Oh, Carol, you're lovely.
20:56And it was lovely.
20:59And I wish it hadn't happened.
21:01But it has happened.
21:02Yeah, I know, I know.
21:03Look, Carol, can we just please say goodbye, sorry, thank you very much,
21:06part as good friends, and if we ever meet again, just...
21:09just pretend that we don't know each other.
21:16Can you give me one good reason why I should agree?
21:23Oh, no.
21:28Oh, I can't.
21:30Now, you are who?
21:31Rita.
21:32Rita!
21:33What a lovely name.
21:34Thank you.
21:35You're Harvey Wedgwood, aren't you?
21:37Alas, my anonymity is shattered, but let's not talk about me.
21:40Actors are so boring.
21:42Our job is to observe, to listen.
21:44Now, tell me about yourself, eh?
21:46Oh, I'm just a very ordinary woman.
21:48Rita, nobody is ordinary.
21:51Don't sell yourself short.
21:52My agent used to say to me,
21:53Harvey, never sell yourself short.
21:55Always remember you're a genius.
21:57I saw you in Dance of Death at Dewsbury.
22:00Oh, really? Yes, I thought I was rather good in that.
22:02I brought out an optimistic side,
22:04which is usually sadly lacking in Strindberg.
22:07Let's not talk about me.
22:08Now, tell me about yourself.
22:10Your fears, your hopes, your dreams.
22:13What did you dream about last night, eh?
22:15You spilled the beans to Uncle Harvey.
22:17Well, last night, actually.
22:20It's a bit silly, really.
22:22I dreamt I was a rabbit.
22:24That sounds like one for Clement Freud rather than Sigmund.
22:28Rita, I want you to meet a very good friend of mine,
22:31Ted Simcox.
22:32Ted, meet Rita, who dreams she's a rabbit.
22:35I'm afraid I didn't catch her other name.
22:37Simcox.
22:39What?
22:40Exactly.
22:41What? You mean...
22:43Precisely.
22:44But I thought that Ted and...
22:46Absolutely.
22:49Ah.
22:52Rita, we must have a serious talk.
22:54Look, my friend.
22:55Take a leaf out of Uncle Harvey's book.
22:57A look on the bright side.
22:59A forgive and forget.
23:01Enough said.
23:02Exit Harvey Wedgwood, tactfully.
23:04Stage left.
23:08Rita, why don't you sit down? I'll get you a drink.
23:14You're Mr. Wedgwood, aren't you?
23:15Oh, please, call me Harvey.
23:17And you are?
23:18Lawrence.
23:19I saw your Othello in Leeds.
23:21Yeah. Oh, never mind about that.
23:23What do you do, Lawrence?
23:25Me? I'm a dentist.
23:27Christness.
23:28Absolutely right.
23:30Beg your pardon?
23:31Oh, you being a dentist.
23:32Well done, the great casting director in the sky.
23:34Now, it would be selfish of me not to ask what you thought about my Othello.
23:39Well, I thought the critics were unnecessarily cruel.
23:43I never read the critics.
23:44I mean, if the Daily Telegraph wants to say
23:46I showed all the passion of a man who has just discovered
23:49that Desdemona has bought some rather expensive curtain material,
23:52let them. I mean, what do they know? Can they act?
23:55Look, the public has paid good money.
23:57They don't want to go home feeling depressed.
23:59Let's talk about you.
24:01Now, tell me about your fears, your dreams.
24:03What did you dream about last night?
24:06Well, it's stupid, but I dreamt I was Welsh.
24:08Oh, my God, a nightmare, eh?
24:11No, that's not fair.
24:12Just because they booed my Peer Gynt of Port Talbot.
24:15Lawrence, I want you to meet a very particular friend of mine,
24:18the very ravishing and deliciously naughty Liz Rodenhurst.
24:22Liz, you of the wonderfully wandering eyes,
24:25meet Lawrence the Dreaming Dentist.
24:27I'm afraid I didn't get your other name.
24:29Rodenhurst.
24:30Oh, my God.
24:31Precisely.
24:32Liz.
24:33Isn't it about time we had a serious chat about things?
24:37I'm so sorry.
24:38One picks up the conversational style of the place.
24:41Exit Harvey Wedgwood, stage left in utter confusion.
24:49Shall we talk?
24:50If you like.
24:55So, where are you living?
24:58I've rented a very cheap and thoroughly nasty flat.
25:02My heart bleeds for you.
25:05I'm sorry to hear about your mother.
25:08It's better than lingering.
25:10I'm sorry I was away when it happened.
25:13You make it sound as if you'd gone for a weekend break at Morecambe.
25:19How this icy silence takes me by.
25:23It's called companionship of marriage.
25:26What is there to talk about?
25:27After all, we know each other's views on everything.
25:29My views may have changed.
25:31I have been in a different world.
25:34I imagine that was part of the attraction.
25:37But you didn't like that world quite so much when you were in it.
25:40Well, I got a job.
25:42Rita?
25:43Well, there's no need to sound so amazed.
25:45Oh, I'm thrilled.
25:47What a turnaround.
25:48Everyone in the family's working, except me. Terrific.
25:50It's only secretarial.
25:52It's for a finance company.
25:54Oh, naturally.
25:55Nobody's making anything round here, except money.
25:58Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen.
26:01People have very generously bought horses in five of the races.
26:05But for the next race, we're going to auction the horses here tonight.
26:09Now, I never do things the obvious way.
26:11I've heard.
26:14So, I'm going to take the horses in reverse order.
26:18Now, who'll start me off with horse number seven?
26:21Fifty pounds.
26:22Thank you, sir.
26:24Any advance on fifty pounds?
26:28Sold to Mr. Rodney Sillitoe, Managing Director of Cock-a-doodle-chickens.
26:35Would you like to name your horse, sir?
26:37Oh, could I call it Beautiful Betty?
26:39Oh, isn't he a lovely man?
26:42Ah, bless you.
26:44Horse number six.
26:47Go on. Don't be mean for once.
26:51God, this is so undignified.
26:54Twenty pounds.
26:55Twenty pounds, fiftyp.
26:58Rita, I can't afford it.
26:59Push him.
27:01Go on. Don't let them beat you.
27:05Twenty-one pounds.
27:06Twenty-one, fifty.
27:07Rita.
27:09Lawrence.
27:11They're making us a laughing stock.
27:14Twenty-two pounds.
27:15Twenty-two, fifty.
27:17Rita.
27:18She'll make him go on and it'll mortify him.
27:20And if he stops, it'll mortify her.
27:23Don't let them get it.
27:24Just for once, win.
27:27Sir, it's with you.
27:29Twenty-three pounds.
27:30Thank you, sir.
27:31Twenty-three, fifty.
27:32Sir.
27:33Twenty-four pounds.
27:36Thank you, sir.
27:37Twenty-four, fifty.
27:39Sir.
27:40Nice round, twenty-five.
27:44Sold to me this imp, got for twenty-four pounds, fifty.
27:51Oh, dear.
27:52Go on, give me a name for it.
27:56What about, uh, Tremendous Ted?
27:59You must be joking.
28:01No, I mean, it's a gesture of reconciliation.
28:05I'd like to call it Karl Marx.
28:08Rita.
28:10Well, stir them up a bit.
28:12Thank you.
28:17Come on, Karl.
28:19They're off, and that's number eight on the outside,
28:22going to the lead with number one charging up along the rail,
28:25number five between horses, number three is fourth,
28:28number seven fifth, number two on the inside sixth,
28:31number four is seventh, and trailing it's number six.
28:34And as they move along the back stretch,
28:36that's number five between horses now taking the lead by a head.
28:39Number one along the rail in red is second,
28:41that's number eight on the outside third.
28:43Then a gap of three lengths,
28:44after that is number three in fourth position,
28:46number two is fifth, number seven is sixth,
28:49number four is seventh, and trailing it's number six.
28:52Moving around the turn, it's number five, number eight,
28:54with number seven on the outside,
28:56number one moving into a contended position,
28:59and as they come through the stretch,
29:01it's number seven now gaining the lead.
29:03Number seven in front with number five second,
29:05and tiring somewhat.
29:07Number five is in third position, number four is fourth,
29:10and now they're driving to the wire,
29:11and it's number seven, number one, number five,
29:13and here comes number four and number two,
29:15and it's a blanket finish,
29:17a photo finish for first position
29:19between number seven and number four,
29:20and there you see the photograph.
29:22The winner by a nose was number seven,
29:24number four was second, and number two third.
29:26It's official.
29:29Oh, dear.
29:33I didn't want to win, it isn't the point.
29:39I'm sorry, Rita.
29:41I'll never stray again.
29:44You seem to assume I'm having your back.
29:46Rita.
29:48You wouldn't expect me to have your back after what you've done
29:51without making you beg for forgiveness, now would you?
29:54No, I suppose not.
29:58It just isn't me, isn't it, begging?
30:03I'm very sorry, Rita.
30:06I've been a fool.
30:08When I saw her for what she was...
30:10Yeah, would you have ever seen her for what she was if you hadn't gone bankrupt?
30:12Voluntary liquidation.
30:14If you were still in business, you'd still be with her.
30:16No, I wouldn't, love, honestly.
30:18I mean, I'd long since realised what a fool I've been.
30:20And I had, love, honestly.
30:24So, well, I've begged.
30:29Will you take me back, my love?
30:35No.
30:37You what?
30:39Ladies and gentlemen, the Fork Supper is now served.
30:42Rita, where are you going?
30:44I'm hungry.
30:45Well, sit down.
30:46What's got into you?
30:48Life.
30:49You what?
30:50In the last few months, I've lost both my parents and my husband.
30:53I had to learn to stand on my own feet.
30:55You didn't have lost me, my love.
30:57Oh, I've lost you, whether or not you come back.
31:00Ted, I've changed.
31:02I've gained confidence.
31:04You mean on your own, without me?
31:06Yes.
31:07I'm sorry.
31:09You still don't understand it?
31:11Oh, it's simple.
31:12When you step out of the shadows, you feel the sunshine.
31:15Rita, I haven't failed, you know.
31:17Rita, I haven't failed, you know.
31:19No, I'm moving laterally into design.
31:21You know, toasting forks, door knockers, things I know.
31:24I'm not not having you back because you've failed, Ted.
31:28Are you saying you'd rather be on your own than with me?
31:32Those aren't the only alternatives.
31:34Oh, come on, Rita.
31:36I mean, come on, who...
31:38Who'd look at me? Is that what you were going to say?
31:40No, no, love. No, no, honestly, it's just that...
31:42Well, you're not young anymore.
31:44I mean, you aren't, are you?
31:46I mean, well, without being rude.
31:49I mean, who'd have you?
31:51That's worth having, I mean.
31:53Neville.
31:55And now I'm going to get some of that goulash.
31:57Ne...
32:01You know, the younger of the Kirkstall girls,
32:04the one we sometimes think isn't quite right,
32:07she came in last week, she'd had an abscess for eight days
32:11and nobody had done a thing about it.
32:13Eight days.
32:16Much as I admire your gift for storytelling, Lawrenson,
32:20can I go and get my folk supper?
32:22No, please, I'm sorry.
32:24I was just making small talk to...
32:27Well, it's my halting, clumsy way of saying
32:31what for some reason I find very difficult to say.
32:34I am prepared to forgive and forget.
32:38I believe you could forgive too.
32:41I don't deserve it.
32:43But forget, how could you? This is a baby.
32:46It'll bring us together again.
32:48It'll breathe new life into our marriage.
32:50But it isn't yours.
32:52We're talking about a human being.
32:55The idea of possessing it seems to me to be terribly wrong.
32:58Yes, but not only is it not yours, but you know whose it is.
33:03That is a bit more serious, I admit, but...
33:06You hate Ted.
33:08He drove all the way to the municipal dump
33:10to throw away his companion, sir.
33:12Because it was falling to bits.
33:14Not because it was his. The tongs were bent,
33:17the brush head came off, the poker kept unscrewing,
33:20and that shovel buckled if you put a lump of coal
33:22larger than a plumber's egg on it.
33:24That's an example of his produce.
33:26I'm not surprised he went into voluntary liquidation.
33:28Bankrupt. And you hate him.
33:30I mean, supposing our child's a boy and looks like him.
33:34Supposing it's a girl and looks like him.
33:37It would be a challenge. I need a challenge, Liz.
33:40In the current jargon, I need to be stretched as a human being.
33:46Liz, please, I'm serious.
33:48I don't think I can stand living in that empty great house.
33:52Oh, Lawrence, it's not really any wonder I went off, is it?
33:56That cry came from the heart and there wasn't a mention of me in it.
34:01Oh, Lawrence.
34:03Move from that empty great house into a little service flat.
34:07Join clubs.
34:09Go to lounge bars.
34:11Expand your practice.
34:13Play golf. Be happy.
34:16Without me.
34:18Liz.
34:19Oh, you're a natural bachelor. Accept it at last.
34:23It's better for both of us.
34:26This really is final.
34:29Fredso.
34:31There's somebody else.
34:33Already? I'm sorry.
34:36There's no reason why you should believe me, but this is serious.
34:40It's the real thing.
34:43And who is this somebody who's serious and the real thing?
34:50Neville.
34:53I'm going to get some of that pork supper.
35:05Number two charging up on the outside now in second position.
35:08Number eight is third. That's number four in fourth position.
35:11Number five is fifth.
35:13And now they're coming through the stretch and that's number two now gaining the lead.
35:16It's number two in front and here comes number four on the outside.
35:19Number one pulling up strongly.
35:21As they come to the ball, it's number two in front by two and a half lengths
35:24with number four second and number one along the inside third.
35:28There you see the order of finish.
35:30It's official.
35:36Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the last race was number two.
35:39So for the last time tonight, it's payout time for the lucky winners.
35:46Congratulations, Mr. Sillitoe.
35:48What an evening you've had.
35:50I didn't want to win, Simon. I wanted a gift.
35:52Oh, but you do give, Mr. Sillitoe.
35:54You'll be giving new jobs to the community when we find those new premises for you.
35:57New premises? Are you moving?
35:59Expanding. I'm handling it personally.
36:02Mr. Sillitoe is my first big client.
36:04Simon.
36:06Sorry. Was it a secret?
36:08It was, yes.
36:10Only from me, Simon. Clearly I wasn't supposed to know.
36:14You think I can't face the truth because you think I'm a failure.
36:18Sorry.
36:19Take my advice, Simon. Don't have friends.
36:21They're more trouble than they're worth.
36:32Hello, Paul?
36:33I hear it's double calls for celebration.
36:36You've landed a job?
36:37Yes, as a municipal highways operative.
36:40Really?
36:41Jolly good.
36:43Well done.
36:46What exactly is a municipal highways operative?
36:50It's estate agentees for road sweepers.
36:52Still prepared to be seen talking tonight.
36:54Why does everybody think we're purveyors of untruth?
36:57That's estate agentees for liars.
36:59Look, I know you both think I'm an upper-class twit.
37:02Simon, we don't think that.
37:04We think you're a middle-class twit.
37:06Yes, well, I'd just like to say one thing.
37:08I love my little sister.
37:10But you see, your cosy flat...
37:12Our tiny flat.
37:13Your compact, easily maintained flat
37:16is one of the many places to which I've never been invited.
37:19Paul.
37:20I thought you always did your bit for the world's underprivileged.
37:23Shut up, Elvis.
37:25I'm sorry, Simon. We will invite you.
37:27We will invite you.
37:29Soon, I promise.
37:31Go and take that drink to Jenny, Paul, before she dies of thirst.
37:34I'm going to buy Simon a drink.
37:36Good lord.
37:41Hey, Paul.
37:43What were you doing in that storeroom with that girl?
37:46Oh, nothing, Dad. Nothing serious.
37:49Hardly. Well, nothing at all.
37:51Oh, I hope not.
37:53Well, you're hardly in a position to be giving me moral advice, are you?
37:56I'm not giving you moral advice. I'm giving you practical advice.
37:59Bad news, women.
38:01Oh, they're fickle.
38:03And we're as solid as rocks, are we?
38:05Paul, men are different.
38:07We're different, we are.
38:09When women play around the fickle bitches,
38:11when men play around the men of the world,
38:13that's rock-bottom male chauvinistic hypocrisy, Dad.
38:15Right. Look, whose side are you on?
38:17Women's. Jenny's.
38:19Well, you're a funny way of showing it.
38:20Don't you think I don't know about that?
38:22Well, anyway, if you haven't done anything serious,
38:24you'd better get on with the girls talking to Jenny, then, wouldn't you?
38:27Oh, my God!
38:31Oh, Paul, this is Carol Fordingbridge.
38:33She used to be Dad's receptionist.
38:35Hello, Paul.
38:37Hello, Carol.
38:39Well, you look as lovely as ever, Carol.
38:41Absolutely.
38:44Well, I mean, not that I know how lovely she looked before,
38:47but, I mean, well, put it this way,
38:50if she's gone off significantly,
38:52then she must have been absolutely, unbelievably fantastic before.
38:56So, yes, yes.
38:58I would say, on balance,
39:00that I'd assume that she is as lovely as ever.
39:03As you so rightly say.
39:08Well, thanks.
39:12Hey, I hear you've got a little boy.
39:14Oh, yes. How did you hear that?
39:16Oh, you know how news gets around this town.
39:20If you burp in the Eiffel Road flats,
39:22it's all round the Walton Industrial Estate by morning.
39:25So, what are you up to these days, Carol?
39:28I'm the distribution manager's secretary at Cockadoodle Chickens.
39:32I'm working with your brother.
39:39Are you all right, Paul?
39:41Oh, yes, yes. No, I'm great.
39:43I've never felt better.
39:46Here we go.
39:52That's not bad food, eh?
39:54No. Well, I've never rated goulash, me.
39:57In my book, it's just foreign stew.
40:00Rodney, I wondered if you'd mind if I borrowed Betty for a while.
40:03I need some advice about Rita. You know, some woman's advice.
40:06Of course you can.
40:08Thank you.
40:15I had a word with her. I've had a word with Rita.
40:17Yes, I know. I saw you.
40:19Well, the thing is, she says she reckons there's another man.
40:22What?
40:24Yes, I know, I know.
40:26She says it's Neville.
40:28What?
40:29Yes, I know. I know.
40:31But, I mean, she did come with him, didn't she?
40:33You know, I mean, well, I thought, you know, being a woman,
40:36couldn't you find out for me if there was anything in it?
40:38Not that there can be, but, I mean, you know, I mean, could you?
40:46Oh, well.
40:48Not a bad meal, was it, considering?
40:51Ted ate goulash. I enjoyed it.
40:55Rita!
40:56Well.
41:02You and Neville are very friendly tonight.
41:05Ted's told you what to say, hasn't he?
41:07No.
41:09He's told me what to say.
41:11Ted's told you what to say, hasn't he?
41:13No.
41:15Yes.
41:17Well, I think it surprised me almost as much as it surprised him when I said to you.
41:21But, I mean, I've been thinking.
41:24I mean, it's been very odd.
41:26He's been very rude sometimes, and then tonight, incredibly charming.
41:30Very attentive.
41:32Well, I mean, is it that impossible? Am I that awful?
41:35Rita, of course not.
41:38Well, I've been wondering.
41:40I mean, I was thinking maybe he's been so rude because he resented the fact that he was beginning to find me...
41:46I can't say it.
41:48Attractive.
41:49Yes.
41:51Well, I mean, look at tonight.
41:54I mean, you see, maybe the rudeness was out of a sort of loyalty to his wife's memory.
41:59What would he do if he did?
42:02Did what?
42:04Well, did anything.
42:07He's a very attractive man.
42:09Rita.
42:16Well, could there possibly be anything in it?
42:19Yes, I think there very possibly could.
42:30Excuse me. Excuse me.
42:32Could I possibly have a little word?
42:33Oh, yes, of course. Excuse me.
42:35Yeah.
42:37You're a... well, you're a very kind-hearted man, aren't you? Well-known for it.
42:41Well, I try to be.
42:42And your late wife was a very kind-hearted woman, wasn't she?
42:45Very much so.
42:46Yeah. Well, right.
42:48I think that you're the sort of man who, out of respect for his late wife's memory, for nothing else,
42:53the sort of man who would never hurt anyone deliberately.
42:57I hope I am, Ted.
42:58Right. And you may think, well, nobody would get hurt.
43:01But you'd be wrong.
43:03You'd be very, very wrong.
43:06Need I say more?
43:08Yes, I think you do need.
43:11Well, you mean you haven't got me drift?
43:13Frankly, Ted, I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.
43:17Then maybe we ought to say no more about it.
43:20About what?
43:22Good man. Good man.
43:24Well, you won't mention this to anyone, will you?
43:26I couldn't if I tried.
43:28Right. Thanks a lot.
43:31Oh, thank you.
43:32There we are.
43:33Rita, I have recently landed a very small part in the new production of Hamlet.
43:39They seem to think I can bring a bit of much-needed relief to the gloom of Elsinore.
43:43Now, I want you to promise that you will come and see it and come backstage after.
43:48Oh, you'd be horrified if I did, if you even remembered me.
43:52Oh, I'm not that drunk. Come on, please. Promise.
43:55All right. I promise.
43:57Oh, good. Good.
43:59A little kiss for Uncle Harvey, eh?
44:02Well, well, it's Dan Dan the dental man.
44:04My old friend Lawrence. You know my old friend Rita.
44:07Well, of course you do.
44:09Now, listen. You two have both been badly bruised.
44:12Why not heal your wounds together?
44:15Lawrence dreams that he's Welsh. Rita dreams she's a rabbit.
44:19Together you could dream you're Welsh rabbits.
44:28What an awful man.
44:29Oh, I rather like him.
44:32Oh, don't worry, Lawrence. I prefer you.
44:34What?
44:36Your place or mine.
44:38Pardon?
44:39For our affair.
44:41Thank you.
44:43What for?
44:44For trying not to look too horrified. I was teasing, Lawrence.
44:47Teasing? Teasing you?
44:50Yes. What can have got into me?
44:54Neville, can I have a word?
44:57Oh, yes, of course.
44:59As a close friend, would you think very hard before embarking on a course of action that would hurt and humiliate me?
45:06Well, of course.
45:07I think you know what I'm talking about.
45:08No, I don't.
45:10You don't?
45:11No.
45:12You don't know what I'm talking about?
45:13I don't know what you're talking about.
45:15What are you talking about?
45:17I'm not sure. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not sure I know what I'm talking about.
45:22I'm all right for a lift home, am I then, Neville?
45:24I understood that.
45:26I understood that.
45:27Rita, you're a breath of sanity in a mad world.
45:30Oh.
45:33You couldn't by any chance give me a lift home, could you, Neville?
45:36Absolutely. The more the merrier.
45:40Well.
45:42But my car has broken down.
45:44It is terribly inconvenient having access to only one car.
45:48Oh, poor dear.
45:49Yes, well.
45:51Come on, girls.
45:54Right.
45:55Right away.
45:57Ah, can you help me, Jenny?
45:59What?
46:00My chickens live in conditions that would make the Abbey's Tiberian labour camp look like a masonic dinner by comparison with.
46:08Oh, Rodney.
46:09My chickens never get a chance to roll up one trouser leg and become chief constables.
46:15You'll help me let them out this time, won't you?
46:18I'm sorry.
46:19I don't think that's the way to do it.
46:22I am disappointed in you, Jenny.
46:29How do you feel about doing something really amazing tonight?
46:33Absolutely. But with whom?
46:36With me.
46:39You have allowed a popular prejudice against the theatre to cloud your judgment.
46:44Oh, no, not that.
46:48Eric.
46:49Will you come and help me?
46:51Sorry, Mr. Sillito.
46:52All my chickens have come home to roost.
46:56And it's time for them to go and roost somewhere else.
46:59Absolutely, Mr. Sillito. Just the jobs. I'm just a bit busy at the minute.
47:03Oh, no.
47:07Oh, Rodney.
47:09I thought you said you couldn't raise your right arm.
47:11Oh, dear.
47:12Oh, Betty. Are you drunk again?
47:15Not me. You.
47:18Come on, Rodney.
47:20Is this just the one?
47:21No, not just the one. I'm sure, I think.
47:31No reconciliation, then?
47:33No.
47:34Nor you?
47:36No.
47:38We're better off without them, Lawrence. I mean, we are.
47:41Please don't try and pretend you've done me a favour, Ted.
47:44Lawrence, just don't be like that.
47:46Lawrence, we're both in the same boat now, you and I. I mean, we are.
47:49Lawrence!
47:56You know who your friends are at times like this, don't you?
47:59We're your friends, Dad.
48:00Yes, definitely.
48:01I thought you were angrier with me, if you know what I'd done.
48:05Well, we are, but I don't think we expect people to be perfect any more.
48:14Good night, son.
48:17Good night, Dad.
48:19Good night, Jenny.
48:29Except you.
48:31You what?
48:32I think you're perfect.
48:35Night, Carol.
48:37Night, Jenny.
48:40Night, Paul.
48:44Oh, my God.
49:14Oh, my God.
49:44Oh, my God.