the ghosts of motley hall season 1 episode 1
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01:19Where do you want it, Sir George?
01:21Up. I want it up, of course.
01:24Up where?
01:26Where it used to be, over the fireplace.
01:28Who do you think we are, Samson and Hercules?
01:31It's uncommon heavy, Sir George.
01:33Yes, bad enough lugging it up from the cellar.
01:36It should never have been in the cellar, damn it.
01:38Had that painted and got me KCMG. Cost me a fortune.
01:42Winterhalter, don't you know?
01:44I beg your pardon?
01:46Winterhalter, the artist fellow.
01:48Signed it on the bottom.
01:50Funny place to sign it.
01:52What?
01:54No, the bottom of the painting.
01:56Oh. Oh, yes.
01:58Winterhalter, yes.
02:00It's very like you, Sir George, isn't it, funny?
02:02It's absolutely filthy.
02:03What?
02:05The painting.
02:06Forward!
02:14Silly old gherkin.
02:15I was painted once.
02:17Was I engraved?
02:18I should think you was more than likely knitted.
02:20Not there.
02:22Impossible.
02:24Nonsense.
02:25It seems silly to bother here.
02:27There's no-one to look at it.
02:28I shall look at it.
02:29I thought you were as dead as the land you're in.
02:31Stop living in the past.
02:32But that's when I did live.
02:34Confound you.
02:35So good getting angry ain't my fault.
02:38You'd be angry if you'd seen a symbol of your
02:41form of greatness down in the cellars behind an old mangle.
02:45It looks, Sir George, I've been here a lot longer than you have.
02:47Yes, and got used to it.
02:49No, I ain't an arborist, Fanny, have you, Fanny?
02:51What?
02:52I often go into the orangery and I look at myself in that old mirror
02:55and I say, is that really you, Bodkin?
02:58And all the time I know it ain't,
03:00because I can see the wall behind me from me kneecaps.
03:03The dawn patrols.
03:06Skirmish in the hills.
03:08The thunder of a distant cannonhead.
03:12Yes.
03:16Yes, well, hold that with you.
03:19A little ballad.
03:20A little ballad entitled,
03:22You've Got To Keep Your Spirits Up
03:23Or You Don't Stand A Ghost Of A Chance.
03:25No?
03:26No.
03:27It's got a haunting little tune.
03:28No.
03:29Did you hear about the banshee?
03:30Oh, not another Irish joke.
03:31He thought that being exorcised meant going for a 20-mile walk.
03:34No?
03:35No.
03:36Only time to cheer you up, that's all.
03:39Oh.
03:41Oh.
03:43Oh.
03:45White lady.
03:46Oh.
03:47White lady.
03:48Oh.
03:49Oi!
03:50What the glory armor are you up to?
03:52I always do the stairs on Thursdays.
03:55Oh.
03:56How do you know it's Thursday?
03:57It's roughly Thursday.
03:59Oh.
04:00How long is she going to keep that up for?
04:02You've no idea, it could go on for hours.
04:04Oh.
04:05Oh, shut up!
04:07Don't you shout at me, you common little man.
04:09If I want to do the stairs, then do the stairs I shall.
04:13Oh.
04:14Oh, madam!
04:16If you must howl, could you not be a little more restrained about it?
04:23I've completely lost the urge now.
04:25Good.
04:26Then you can give us a hand with this.
04:28We shall need some steps.
04:29There's some in one of the bedrooms.
04:31There are 22 bedrooms.
04:32I will show you.
04:34Ah, good.
04:36Stand fast.
04:44Bless you.
04:45What for?
04:46You sneezed.
04:48No, I didn't.
04:49Are you sure?
04:50Of course I'm sure.
04:51The fellow knows if he's sneezed or not, don't he?
04:57That's funny.
04:58Oh, it's bad.
04:59It's a tracema, sir.
05:00One of us, or one of them?
05:02I don't know.
05:04You can't have a look round.
05:06You go.
05:07No, I'm holding this.
05:09Well, so am I.
05:11Yeah, well, I'm more scared than you are.
05:13Are you?
05:16All right, I'll go.
05:30How do you know?
05:33Know what?
05:34That you're more scared than I am.
05:36Well, if I wasn't, I'd be going to look, wouldn't I?
06:03Fanny?
06:06See anything?
06:08Or Boddy?
06:11Bodkin?
06:12Yes.
06:13Why don't Fanny answer?
06:15Because he can't hear you.
06:16That's what you want to think, isn't it?
06:18Yes.
06:19Because you're a coward.
06:20Who are you calling a coward?
06:21You are.
06:22No, I'm not.
06:23Yes, you are.
06:24You convinced me.
06:26WHISTLE BLOWS
06:30Here we are.
06:32Where's Fanny?
06:34Here I am.
06:37What's up? You look as if you've seen a person.
06:49Who does that?
06:51Wind her over.
06:52You insufferable vanity have desecrated my portrait.
06:55I'll have a clutch of silly old books.
07:00The sneeze.
07:01What?
07:02The sneeze. Fanny heard it, didn't you, Fanny?
07:04Oh, yes, well, I think I did.
07:06Sneeze?
07:11It's a poltergeist.
07:12That ain't no poltergeist.
07:14Yes, of course it is.
07:15That is a plain communal garden.
07:17Now you see me, now you don't ghost.
07:19I think so.
07:20Well, I can't see anything.
07:22Come out and show yourself, you coward.
07:25It's up there.
07:26Then it's flush the beggar out.
07:28Up the upwards!
07:30Oh, do put that thing away.
07:32Forward!
07:34Wait for me.
07:37Well, I ain't playing, now I didn't see you.
07:40Right, Fanny, up the stairs.
07:42Right, lay me down there.
07:43Report to me in the quarters.
07:45Report to me in the quarters.
08:15And where do you think you're going?
08:39Come here, Master Sneezer, and no more vanishing tricks.
08:49Bless you.
08:50Hey!
08:51That's for the spectacles.
08:53And you'll get another one if you get me into trouble again.
08:56See if I care.
08:58You've got more sauce than a pig.
09:01All right, don't pull me hair off.
09:04Clean it.
09:10What's your name?
09:12Matt. You hurt.
09:14Matt, is it?
09:15Well, any Matts are better for a good beating.
09:18What sort of Matt are you?
09:20Dormat, bathmat or prayer mat?
09:22Leave off. I'm Matt the stable boy.
09:24Well, then, why don't you get back there?
09:26Why should I?
09:27Because I say so. That's why you horrible little carpet.
09:29What are you doing here, apart from causing a nuisance?
09:32I don't mind to see the house.
09:33Oh, had you?
09:35Had you, didn't you?
09:37Do what?
09:38Go back to the stables and come here.
09:40Easy.
09:41Was it?
09:42Aye.
09:43Been all over the grounds, I have.
09:45Fishing, bird's nesting.
09:47Lucky young woodcock.
09:49Lucky, why?
09:50Oh, never mind.
09:52I've been beyond the gates, of course.
09:54I'd never been in here till today.
09:56Oh, fishhooks, you must have been.
09:58I ain't. The head groom said I'd be whipped.
10:00Head groom?
10:01It's all right. I'm on me own.
10:03I've been on me own all the time.
10:04How long has that?
10:05I don't know.
10:07King.
10:11That one.
10:13Ah, George III.
10:15Yeah, that's me lucky penny.
10:17Is it?
10:19Two heads.
10:21You would be.
10:22Who are you, anyway?
10:23Me? I'm Bodkin.
10:25Bodkin? What a funny name.
10:27It's meant to be. I'm a fool.
10:29You know what a fool is, don't you?
10:30Yeah, the head groom said I was one.
10:32Oh, not a fool, you fool, a fool.
10:33A clown, a jester.
10:35I never thought I'd be able to sing and dance, play something.
10:37Know how to tumble, tell a few jokes, even.
10:39I just left the Globe.
10:40The Globe?
10:41It's a theatre in London.
10:43And I got the job.
10:44Full to Sir Richard Uproar.
10:46He built this place.
10:48Funny man, Sir Richard.
10:49No sense of humour.
10:51I could never make him laugh.
10:52Why not?
10:53He was too thick.
10:55I tried everything.
10:56I sat up all night,
10:58thinking of simple little jokes just for him,
11:00but he never understood them.
11:02What happened?
11:03Well, in the end, he got so angry
11:06that he had me slung in the lily pond.
11:10Do you know something?
11:11He thought that was the funniest thing he'd ever seen.
11:14Rolled on a lawn, hooted with laughter.
11:17I thought he was going to have a fit.
11:19Well, that was it.
11:20Every time he wanted cheering up, in I went.
11:22Any visitors came, splash.
11:24Winter or summer, just the same.
11:25They had to break the ice sometimes.
11:28It's no joke being funny.
11:30Poor old Buckin.
11:32I had a permanent cold.
11:33Finished me in the end.
11:34It was the cold that finished me.
11:36Huh?
11:37I thought you'd been snug enough in the stables.
11:39Right damp you were.
11:40And the wind was like a knife in winter.
11:43What happened to him?
11:44Sir George.
11:47He got full of brandy one night and fell down them stairs.
11:50Be his hundredth anniversary soon,
11:52so I suppose he'll have to do it all over again.
11:54Fanny, that's Sir Francis.
11:56He's his great-great-grandfather.
11:57What did he do?
11:58Precious little lazy young tyke.
12:00Gambled away the family fortune.
12:01Fought a lot of duels.
12:03A real rake.
12:05You know what a rake is, don't you?
12:07A long wooden thing.
12:08Yeah, that's Fanny.
12:10What about Hurley White?
12:12We don't really know who she is.
12:14She reckons she don't know either,
12:15but I'm not so sure she...
12:16She's been around as long as I can remember.
12:19You're all company for each other, though, aren't you?
12:21Yeah, I suppose so.
12:22They've heard all my jokes.
12:24Here, here's a good one.
12:25Best be getting going.
12:26No, no, no, wait.
12:27Free galley slaves, see?
12:28No, honest, I'd better go.
12:30Yeah, all right.
12:31Some other time.
12:34Here.
12:35You gonna tell them it was me?
12:37Nah.
12:38Give them something to puzzle over.
12:42Hey, before you go,
12:44why did you come today?
12:46Why today, eh?
12:47Inside the ocean, you mean?
12:49Yeah.
12:50I wanted to look at it before they pulled it down.
12:55What did you say?
12:57I said,
12:58I wanted to see inside Mockley Hall
13:00before it got pulled down.
13:28Don't believe it.
13:29The boy's lying.
13:30I ain't.
13:31Absurd.
13:32Sir Humphrey won't stand for it.
13:34Sir Humphrey's got no choice in the matter.
13:36He's...
13:37D-E-A-D.
13:40Humphrey.
13:41Gone to earth.
13:43Snuffed it?
13:44Yeah.
13:47Last uproar.
13:48The very last.
13:54It's a joke, ain't it?
13:57Neither one of your stupid jokes, ain't it?
13:59It ain't. I heard them.
14:00Heard who?
14:01These two men.
14:02They came in the stables.
14:03It was raining, you see.
14:04They was talking about someone who died.
14:06Sir Humphrey.
14:07Aye.
14:08One was tall and thin,
14:10and the other was stocky and always smiling.
14:12The tall one says,
14:13he's dead, so they'll have to sell Mockley now.
14:15Then the stocky man asks him if he could fix it.
14:18Then the tall man winks at him and says,
14:20if I say Mockley's not safe,
14:22it'll have to come down.
14:23Not safe? The man's an idiot.
14:24Just a minute, Sir George.
14:25Go on, now.
14:26Then the stocky man says,
14:27a thousand for you now,
14:29and the rest when the place is down.
14:31Then the tall man says,
14:32if I sign the something order,
14:35dema-something.
14:37Demolition.
14:38Aye, that were it. Demolition.
14:40If I sign the demolition order,
14:42nothing on earth can save Mockley Hall.
14:47Whoa.
14:49Whoa.
14:50She's all right, Gary.
14:51Whoa to Mockley Hall.
14:53Doom is on the house of Uproar.
14:55All is lost, lost.
14:58I wish you were.
15:00Was that all?
15:01I mean, didn't they say anything else?
15:03No, not the end of it.
15:04The end of us, more like.
15:05Stuck out in the open, that's where we'll be.
15:07The bell. Aye.
15:09The bell in the tower.
15:10I always ring it when there's a death in the family.
15:12I thought it was supposed to ring by itself.
15:14Don't be ridiculous.
15:15How could it?
15:16Madam, I'm a great believer in tradition,
15:18but this is hardly the time for campanology.
15:21Or bell ringing.
15:22The locals expect it.
15:24Besides, it's in the guidebooks.
15:26But look here...
15:27I'll let her ring the blessed bell if she wants to.
15:29It's the last chance she'll get.
15:30Thank you.
15:35Couldn't you scare him off?
15:37Haven't you learned anything since you passed on?
15:40Passed on? He ain't passed on.
15:41None of us have passed on.
15:42I only wish we could.
15:44We can't make people see us.
15:45You know that.
15:46Either they can or they can't.
15:47It ain't up to us.
15:52Whoa!
15:56Whoa!
16:00Whoa!
16:05I've never known such a noisy woman.
16:08I used to think it was the wind.
16:10But it ain't.
16:12I think that there's been a broad market since the...
16:15century.
16:17And it's still going on.
16:22I say, can you hear a motor car?
16:24Only just.
16:26Go and tell her we've had enough, will you?
16:28Up them stairs.
16:29Can you see anything?
16:30Not much.
16:32There's some light out there.
16:35Two cars.
16:38It's catching.
16:39The estate agent chap.
16:41I think the other one is.
16:52Huh.
16:54Stopped.
16:57Always tolls after a death in the family.
17:00Strange, isn't it?
17:03Certainly ought to it.
17:07You mean the place is haunted?
17:10The villagers say it is.
17:12And what do you think?
17:14Well, let's say I wouldn't like to spend a night here all alone.
17:17You wouldn't be me old cock.
17:20Funny.
17:22Funny!
17:24I thought I put that in the cellar.
17:26You did.
17:27But he got it out again.
17:29Which one's that one?
17:30That's the George uproar.
17:31General.
17:32General uproar, he was.
17:34Looks a bit dim.
17:35Ah, well, you know what it is with the varnish on these.
17:38Oh.
17:40Yes, well, I think he was, rather.
17:43Insufferable chump.
17:45He was known as crocodile uproar, you know.
17:47Really?
17:48Yes, he was campaigning in Egypt
17:50and had to cross the Nile to attack the enemy.
17:53Unfortunately, there wasn't time to build a bridge,
17:55so he ordered the regiment to swim across.
17:57Ah.
17:58And when they told him that part of the river
18:00was infested with crocodiles,
18:02he made his famous remark
18:04that one British soldier was a match for ten crocodiles.
18:08Yes, you see...
18:09He was wrong, as it happened.
18:11Wrong?
18:12Yes.
18:13One crocodile turned out to be a match for ten crocodiles.
18:16One crocodile turned out to be a match for ten British soldiers.
18:20Did he continue the attack after that?
18:22No, he didn't, no.
18:24Well, I mean, apart from anything else, he...
18:27He crossed the wrong river.
18:29Yes, you see, on this map...
18:31What happened then?
18:32Well, I'm afraid they had to swim back.
18:35And, of course, the crocodiles were still there.
18:38Yes, well, they did awfully well.
18:41But the remains of the regiment
18:43joined the campaign for the Battle of El Qazi,
18:46where the general attacked with great dash and determination.
18:49Unfortunately, because of all the smoke,
18:51he lost his way
18:53and nearly wiped out Her Majesty's Eighth Hussars.
18:56I was told it was a wonderful family, you know, Mr Penrose?
19:00Part of the fabric of English history.
19:03There's been an uproar at Motley Hall since the 16th century.
19:0617th.
19:08Oh, do I mean the 17th?
19:10Yes, it was.
19:11And now the family is no more,
19:13and the dear old place must be sold.
19:15Hmm. Is there anyone interested?
19:18Oh, there's been a tentative inquiry from an American gentleman
19:21who wanted to take it to Las Vegas.
19:23The whole place?
19:24Who's this Las Vegas?
19:26No idea. She sounds totally foreign to me.
19:28There's no chance here, of course, cos Motley's listed.
19:31Sir, I understand.
19:33That's the one who was in Istanbul.
19:35No, they won't annoy him anyway.
19:37But then he's not been on the market all that long.
19:40Sir Humphrey only died a couple of months ago.
19:43That's quite.
19:44Poor Sir Humphrey.
19:45He left me this gold fountain pen, you know.
19:48It tends to leak a bit, but it reminds me of him.
19:52Well, I don't want to alarm you, Mr Gunton,
19:55but there is, of course, a possibility
19:57that the whole place may be unsafe.
20:00Not safe? Not safe?
20:02What makes you say that?
20:04Please don't be alarmed.
20:06I'm only trying to warn you, that's all.
20:08It has been empty for 20 years.
20:10The whole place may be running with damp,
20:12full of dry rot, woodworm, heaven knows what else.
20:15But it isn't, Mr Penrose, I assure you it isn't.
20:17I've looked after Motley myself for years, a labour of love,
20:20and I can tell you it's in a splendid state of preservation.
20:23Well, that's for me to decide, Mr Gudgeon,
20:26in my official capacity.
20:28And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a great deal to do.
20:31A shady deal, more like.
20:33I'll drop the keys in at the office.
20:35All right, well, good day to you then, Mr Penrose.
20:39Mm-hm, mm-hm.
20:40What a scoundrel! Oh, such a nasty face.
20:43And we're powerless to do anything about it.
20:45Mere onlookers.
20:47We need a plan. Yeah, I'm trying to think of one.
20:49Well, so am I, but my mind's a bit blank.
20:52Yeah. We're doomed!
20:54No, we ain't. We won't give up Motley without a fight.
20:57That's the spirit!
21:00What have you been up to? You'll find out soon enough.
21:02That other villain's lurking by the stables.
21:04What? The other one I told you about.
21:06I've just seen him watching Gudgeon drive off.
21:08How long's he been there? I don't know. He's coming.
21:11Ah, so that was your Mr Gudgeon.
21:13He seems harmless enough. Have you been waiting long?
21:15You said three o'clock. I came at half-past two,
21:17just to be on the safe side.
21:19Where did you leave the car?
21:21Oh, I didn't come up here by car, my dear fellow.
21:23Walked across the field. Did a good exercise.
21:26And a little less conspicuous than the, uh...
21:28He's full of himself, isn't he?
21:30I've, uh, brought your expenses.
21:33That's the cash. Come on.
21:35I don't suppose Mr Gudgeon will make any trouble, will he?
21:37Well, he'll try. Wait!
21:39He'll be too late. Oh, yes, much too late.
21:42The demolition boys would have moved in by then,
21:44and begun to tear the whole place apart.
21:46Quick! And it'll all be quite official.
21:49Oh, I dare say there'll be a bit of a stink about it,
21:51but it'll be much too late by then.
21:53Ah, that's the advantage of my having a friend in the right place.
21:56Look out! I mean, after all...
21:59Out of the coat!
22:01I mean, there's no point in breaking the law.
22:03It's a foregone conclusion.
22:05A piece of cake. Confidence is very reassuring.
22:07The case!
22:09Anybody think you've done this sort of thing before?
22:11Um, wouldn't you like to count it?
22:13What a nice idea.
22:15This is going to be good.
22:17I must say it's a perfect site for the...
22:19Here we go. Without Motley Hall standing on it, of course.
22:21Uh, Brayley? Hmm?
22:23Are you, uh... Are you trying to be funny?
22:26What do you mean?
22:28Well, the case. It's, uh... It's empty.
22:35That was pretty quick of you, Penrose.
22:38Quite a little conjurer, aren't you?
22:40Don't play games, Brayley.
22:42Games? You're the one who's playing games.
22:44It was a very good little trick, then.
22:46But the case was empty. You know it was.
22:48Are you serious?
22:50Well, of course I am.
22:52You must think I'm stupid, Penrose!
22:54Oh, no. I don't think you're stupid,
22:56but I think you think I am.
22:58Going awfully well, indeed.
23:00Take the money, then you pretend that you didn't.
23:02You didn't bring any money!
23:04The case was full when it got here!
23:06Then why was it empty when I opened it?
23:08It was not empty!
23:10It was! It was empty!
23:18Empty, eh?
23:20But I've never seen that before.
23:22Then how did it get out of your coat?
23:24I don't know. I don't know.
23:26I told you you were a tricky customer to deal with,
23:28but I never thought you'd try anything as childish as this.
23:30Now, look here.
23:32The deal's off, Penrose.
23:34I can't do business with such naive dishonesty.
23:36It's too embarrassing.
23:38Besides, I've got plenty of other contacts.
23:40I'll get rid of Muckley Hall without help from your department.
23:42Mr Gadget.
23:44It's as good as a play, isn't it?
23:46I knew he'd be back.
23:48How?
23:50I have the keys back now, Mr Penrose.
23:52I think I've seen and heard quite enough.
23:54I only came back for my fountain pen.
23:56You haven't seen it, have you?
23:58My, my, my.
24:00What a lot of money.
24:02Mr, uh...
24:04Brayling. James Brayling.
24:06Brayling, eh?
24:08I have a terrible memory for names,
24:10but I hope I never forget yours.
24:14I think you'd better leave too, Mr Penrose.
24:16My, my, my.
24:18Where am I?
24:20There's my fountain pen.
24:24Muckley Hall is in an excellent
24:26state of preservation, Mr Penrose.
24:28Bravo!
24:32Yay!
24:34APPLAUSE
24:38Call any time.
24:40Now we did it!
24:42Foiled them. Saved Muckley.
24:44Good old bodies.
24:46Come back, you mean.
24:48Yes, dear boy, I can kiss you.
24:50Splendid effort from everybody.
24:52I knew we could do it.
24:54So did I.
24:56You see, we ain't just looked on, are we, Sir George?
24:58No.
25:00No, we've something to strive for,
25:02at last.
25:04A common goal.
25:06Long live us, say I.
25:08Long live the ghosts of Muckley Hall.
25:10Right then, Fanny, let's get this picture up.
25:12At least we've still got a wall to put it on.
25:14Come on, then, Fanny.
25:16I'm not too sure that's good centre.
25:18Yeah, well, we'll be all right.
25:44¶¶ ¶¶
26:14¶¶ ¶¶