A Bit of a Do S01E01 The White Wedding (1989)
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00:00Oh, I'd love it, Stan. I can't. No, we've got a bit of a due on. Well, I'd love to skip
00:19it. I can't. I mean, it's my son's wedding.
00:23A bit of a due. A bit of a due. Smiling faces in public places. Getting to know the in-laws
00:40much better than expected. A bit of a due. Invited to a bit of a due. It's a small-town,
00:51posh, nosh affair. Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing it too. Others who
01:01are seeing through you. A bit of a due. All tickety-poo. A bride's dimension attracts
01:15attention. A scruffy, young groom who defies convention. A bit of a due. Bit of a due.
01:24Invited to a bit of a due.
01:54A bit of a due.
02:24Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God. Who I don't believe in.
02:34Oh, I wish we'd done it in a registry office. Which is an honorable estate, instituted of
02:41God in the time of man's innocency, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt
02:46Christ and his church. Which holy estate Christ adorned and beautified with his presence,
02:52and first miracle that he wrought in Cana of Galilee, and is commended of St. Paul to
02:59be honorable among all men, and therefore is not by any to be enterprised nor taken
03:05in hand, unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly, to satisfy men's carnal lusts and appetites.
03:12No mention of women's carnal lusts and appetites, I notice. But reverently, discreetly, advisedly,
03:20soberly. Oh, I hope so. I'll be watching her. I'll be watching him. I feel that's the side down today.
03:28First, it was ordained for the procreation of children. Yeah, well, I'm afraid we jumped the
03:33gun a bit there. Secondly, it was ordained for a remedy against sin, and to avoid fornication.
03:40Sorry. Such persons as have not the gift of continency. All right. Aye.
03:51Thirdly, it was ordained for the mutual society, help, and comfort
03:55that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity.
04:01Into which holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined. Therefore,
04:08if any man can show any just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together,
04:13let him now speak, or else hereafter forever hold his peace.
04:21Say something, somebody, please. Save my daughter from this unsuitable marriage, I beg you.
04:28Paul, wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife, to live together after... He promised me
04:33he'd have his hair cut. He promised. ...sickness and in health, and forsaking all other, keep thee
04:40only unto her, so long as ye both shall live. Oh, Jane, will you remember our wedding?
04:50I will. Jenny, wilt thou have this man to thy wedded husband... Look happy, Lawrence.
05:00Look happy long enough, and who knows, you may even start to feel happy.
05:05And forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live.
05:10Oh, Lord, why did you take her from me? I will.
05:59Do you see Paul's hair? It's on the top of his head, as usual.
06:04He promised me he'd have it cut, and he promised. I mean, what must they think? They already think
06:10we're not good enough for them. Come on, Rhys, he's only a dentist. He's not first lord of the
06:14admiralty. Here they come now. Look happy.
06:21Didn't it go off well? Oh, very well.
06:27Oh, you must be very happy. Oh, yes. Jenny looked a picture, a picture. I think she's putting on a
06:35bit of weight. It suits her. Do you all know each other? Uh, no, no. No? Ah, um, Neville Badger, a very
06:43old friend of ours. Paul's parents, Ted and Rita Simcox. How do you do? I own the Jupiter Foundry.
06:50I expect you've heard of us. Actually, no. Oh, well, we make fire irons, companions, door knockers,
06:57um, toasting forks. Are you a dentist as well, Mr. Badger? Oh, no, no.
07:05Uh, no, I'm with Badger, Badger, Fox and Badger. Oh, no. Taxidermist.
07:12Oh, solicitors. I'll remember that next time I nick some spoons. Um, I do like a good wedding,
07:20don't you, Mr. Badger? Yes, I... Yeah. I do. I...
07:26I... Excuse me. His wife died six weeks ago. Oh, lord.
07:44Oh, this is Jenny's parents, Lawrence and Liz Rodenhurst. I don't think you've met very old
07:49friends of ours, Rodney and Betty Siluto. Rodney's managing director of Cock-a-doodle-chickens.
07:56A man of power. Your daughter looked a picture. A picture. Well, that weren't grand. Grand.
08:05Um, the bride's parents, Lawrence and Liz Rodenhurst. This is Rita's parents,
08:11Percy and Clarice Sprague. How do you do? Here, Bayek, your daughter's a belter.
08:19All right. Hi. I've only been once since breakfast.
08:27I feel awful. Why? Right, big smiles, please. Radiance pouring from every pore.
08:39Great. Terrific. Wearing white. Hypocrisy is the national disease and we've started to build our
08:45marriage on hypocritical foundations. Jenny. Right, now a nice dreamy one, okay? Uh, two lovebirds
08:51gazing into each other's eyes. Great. Tremendous. Fabulous. The cost of my dress could feed an
08:59African family for 20 years. Jenny, just forget about all that just for today. Okay, now a real
09:04sexy one. Nice. Very nice. If our child grows up selfish and deceitful, it'll be our fault. Jenny.
09:16Okay, let's go for something a bit more informal now, right? Okay.
09:23Is that all the man I've just committed myself to for life can say, Jenny? Committed for life?
09:28Sounds like a prison sentence. Oh, Paul, you don't think that, do you? No, of course I don't.
09:38Very good. Great. Tremendous. Fantastic. Anything you want in the ironmongery line,
09:43Lawrence. You know, custom-built door knockers, personalized cold scuttles, you name it. I can
09:48let you have it at cost. Oh, well, Liz, it seems this union can be of great benefit to our family.
09:55Okay, big smiles. Happiest day of your life.
10:00Terrific. Magnificent. In fact, Ted, we already have one of your companion sets in our drawing
10:06room. Oh, in your drawing room. Very nice. I trust it's giving satisfactory service. Actually,
10:11the tongs have buckled. Okay, now, a nice dignified one. Four pillars of local society
10:16linked by wedlock. Very good. Great. Tremendous. I'll let you have a replacement. Gratis. Have no
10:26fear. Ted, you don't talk business at functions. Mr. Road Nurse doesn't discuss dental appointments
10:33at functions. Okay, now change partners. Symbolize that you're all one big happy family now.
10:39Um, actually, I think you're both due for a check-up.
10:42I'll have my girl send you one of our little cards. Oh.
10:47Arms around each other.
10:52Nice and friendly. Come on, no inhibitions, please. Relax, let it all hang out.
11:02Okay, happy couple back in with the two brothers.
11:17Elvis, have you met my brother Simon? No, it's one of the many pleasures I've missed
11:20out on so far. I'm Simon, Paul's brother Elvis. Hello, Elvis. Okay, big smile. Bags of brotherly
11:28love. Amazing. Okay, say cheese, everybody. Cheese. Bromage. Very good. Tremendous. Fabulous.
11:51You made an assignation with him yet? What? With whom? With whom, she says.
11:57Toasting pork tycoon. He's your type, isn't he? Has that rough, coarse quality you regularly mistake
12:03for manly strength. I saw you looking at him. Why did you have to say bromage? I made people laugh.
12:10Out of pity and embarrassment. Why did you have to ruin the greatest day of my life?
12:15I thought our wedding day was supposed to be the greatest day of your life. It was supposed to be.
12:19We'll see you back at the hotel tonight. You look a picture, Jenny. A picture.
12:29How old is your father? 76. Is he really? Is he really? Well done. Well done indeed.
12:53I want you. You what? I ache for your body.
13:14I hope my wife didn't upset you earlier. No, no, not at all.
13:23Oh well, she's always putting her foot in it.
13:30So are there lots of young badgers all raring to join? Badger, badger, fox and badger?
13:36No, I... We couldn't have children. I... Oh lord, excuse me.
13:43You look so lost, so uncouth. Oh, oh thank you.
13:59She's beautiful. No, she's attractive. It's very different, but she's not beautiful.
14:04Well, I can see where she gets it from. Being attractive, I mean. Not being not beautiful.
14:08Well, thank you, I think. Liz, you know what you were saying earlier? I mean,
14:17wasn't that a bit naughty, eh? I mean, I know that words needn't mean very much, but I mean,
14:22you know, they can be. I mean, can't they? You know, be disturbing or dangerous.
14:31Do you really think my words don't mean very much? Surely, they aren't a total surprise.
14:37Well, um, well, no, I suppose I've known for some time that you were, um...
14:43Aflame with sexual hunger? Yes, aflame with... No, no, no, no, Liz, please, really. I mean,
14:50I knew that you didn't find me unattractive. I sensed that you didn't find me repulsive.
14:56Well, I sense that you don't find me repulsive either. Well, no, I don't. Of course I don't.
15:01I mean, you aren't. Have a tuna fish vol-au-vent. They are delicious. Don't you want me?
15:08Of course I do. Of course I do, but, uh... What do you mean, but?
15:15Heck, this is awful. Awful? It's exciting. It's wonderful. I'm alive again.
15:23Absolutely. I mean, I agree, absolutely. It is exciting. It's absolutely wonderful, but...
15:29Oh, it's awful. Exactly. Oh, dear. Poor Ted. Poor, poor Ted.
15:40But you promised, Paul. And I mean, what must they think? I see. Even on my wedding day,
15:47the parrot cry of the narrow-minded. What must they think? You don't understand the way the
15:50minds operate. They look down on us. We're trade. They're professions. In his own mind,
15:56he's practically on a par with doctors, that one. In Bolivia, they have 65% infant mortality.
16:01The average life expectancy of the tin miners is 37. The typical diet is boiled maize,
16:06followed, if they're lucky, by more boiled maize. Extra boiled maize is a treat at Christmas.
16:11So I honestly don't think that my haircut matters very much. Exactly. So it's not too much to ask
16:16to have it cut, then, is it? Bloody hell, all right. I'll see you later. Where are you going?
16:19That new unisex place in Newbornville. Paul, nobody goes for a haircut in the middle of his
16:23wedding reception. Then it's time to break the mould of British social behaviour. If you want me
16:27with a haircut, you shall have me with a haircut. I wouldn't want to start my honeymoon riddled with
16:31guilt. Might make me impotent. Then they would like... There's no need to be disgusting, Paul.
16:42You're absolutely right. You are? You said words are too easy. Action is the thing.
16:46Oh, absolutely. What? Meet me in room 108 in five minutes.
16:51OK, I'll... You what? You what? Well, I've booked room 108. What, for them to change in?
16:58For me to do my hair and if it was blown to bits in the church, I'd meet me there in five minutes.
17:02Molly! Don't you want to? Of course I want to, but... Oh, that again. But what?
17:10I'm the groom's father. You're the bride's mother. I mean, it's their wedding day.
17:14Is doing it any worse than wanting to? Well, no, no, of course not, but they may come to the room
17:20themselves. In the middle of their wedding reception? I mean, they'll be cutting the cake,
17:23there'll be the speeches. We'll be back. I think nobody will miss us in this crush.
17:28I mean, Liz, we are pillars of the local community. I mean, pillars of the local community.
17:34They don't do that sort of thing. I mean, they just don't. Yes, they do. They just don't get
17:38found out, as we won't. But we'll never get a safer moment. Room 108 in five minutes.
17:47Oh, I'm... Oh, heck. Oh, utterly and confounded, eh? Oh, God, it's you.
17:53Can I have a word, Ted? Yes, as long as it doesn't take too long. I mean, oh, God.
17:58What? Um, no, nothing, nothing. I was... All right.
18:07What? It's our Paul. He's gone. Gone? Never splitting up already? I realise that youngsters
18:14these days don't regard marriage as sacred, but I mean, what, an hour and ten minutes? No,
18:17no, no, no. He's gone to get an haircut. He's done what? He's done... Is he mad?
18:26Oh, oh, that's you, Rita, eh? You've been having a go at him again, haven't you, eh?
18:30Well, I may have just touched on it. Oh, heck.
18:44All right, Rita, love. What's the matter? What's the matter, love?
18:49Everybody says what a picture Jenny looks. Well, she does.
18:52Nobody says what a picture Paul looks. Well, he doesn't.
18:56No, don't leave me on my own, Ted. I hate functions. I feel so dreary, drab, dull.
19:03Rita, love, don't be so silly. Don't be so self-conscious. Nobody's looking at you.
19:08Exactly. I'm just a grey smudge. You aren't. You are not a grey smudge.
19:16Rita. Look, I'm a man of discernment. I'm a leader of industry. Would I have
19:22married a grey smudge? I mean, would I? Well, I wasn't a grey smudge when you married me.
19:26Rita, love, look, I'm an Englishman. Well, I mean, I'm a Yorkshireman.
19:38Can't come out with sweet nothings. I mean, you know, I just can't.
19:42But I promise you, love, that you aren't, to me, in any way, a grey smudge.
19:50What more can I say? Come on, come on.
19:58All right. Now, look, there's Lawrence over there. Go on, now, do your bit.
20:02Use your charm. Establish our social credibility. Off you go, love. Go on.
20:07Where are you going?
20:10If you must know, I feel a pressing need to perform a certain natural function.
20:16David, you don't talk about functions like that at functions like this.
20:20Well, you asked. Go on, go on, love, go on.
20:37Oh, it's a lovely buffet. Tuna fish volovants are a revelation.
20:42Well, they have a good reputation here.
20:44It's a lovely do altogether. I do love lovely dos, do you?
20:49Very much.
20:56Are you going anywhere special for your holidays this year?
21:02Yes. Thank you.
21:05Yes, we're going to the south of France with Rodney and Betty Sillitoe.
21:09Well, it's a bit more sophisticated than Spain these days.
21:14We like to do something a bit out of the ordinary. Where are you going?
21:18Peru.
21:23Ah, hello. How are Mr. and Mrs. Twigg?
21:28Sprague.
21:30Oh, you really? That's grand. I love these old dialect words.
21:35Dialect words?
21:38Sprague.
21:39That's my name.
21:42Ah.
21:44Aye, aye, Mr. Odenhurst. All them cars in car park.
21:48One lifetime, so many changes. Eh, Clary?
21:51Aye, Percy, we've seen a few changes.
21:53Do you know, I can remember when it were all horses.
21:55Horsemen, they were all over the road.
21:57Percy!
21:58We used to shovel it up off roads whilst it was still steaming.
22:01Dad!
22:02The Halcyon days are over, Barb. Never to return.
22:08Fascinating snippet of social history. Excuse me.
22:11Why do you always have to show me up?
22:13Because you always think I'm going to show you up.
22:28Do you usually make love with your clothes on?
22:30No, no, no, that's not. It's just I can hear a reception.
22:35They're chatting. They're laughing.
22:38They haven't missed us.
22:40Well, they might be able to hear us.
22:41Apart from that noise.
22:43Oh, that sounds promising.
22:45Eh, Liz, please, really.
22:47We're wasting time.
22:48Lyd and I agree. We shouldn't be away too long.
22:51No, darling.
22:52Oh.
23:02Don't you want me?
23:04Oh, yes.
23:05Don't you want me?
23:07Oh, yes.
23:10Oh, Liz.
23:13Oh, awake.
23:15Your dress is lovely, Jenny. Lovely.
23:17Thank you. I kept my accessories to a minimum in view of all the suffering in the third world.
23:22Ah.
23:24Aren't you going to laugh at me?
23:25No, why should I? You have a point.
23:28It's funny. You seem quite human.
23:31I beg your pardon?
23:33You seem quite nice, but you run a kind of concentration camp for chickens.
23:38Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.
23:41Well, not today.
23:42Yes, you should, because you meant it.
23:44And I admire you for it.
23:46Well, it's just that I think that if we think we have the right to exploit animals
23:50because we're superior to them,
23:52that makes us inferior to them because they never exploit us.
23:55Does that make me a crank?
23:57No.
23:59I can never resist an attractive young woman.
24:02Don't you ever feel jealous?
24:04It doesn't mean anything by it.
24:06Just likes being near attractive young women.
24:08Oh, I envy you.
24:10Rita.
24:12Oh, she does look a picture, I must say.
24:15Must you?
24:16Rita.
24:19Chickens aren't like people, Jenny.
24:20They don't have the same feelings.
24:21They don't have the same expectations of lifestyle.
24:25I know. Fish have no nerves in their mouths.
24:27Foxes enjoy being hunted,
24:28and lobsters get a sexual thrill out of being boiled alive.
24:31Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.
24:34Not today.
24:38But how can you live with yourself knowing how your chickens live?
24:41I love him for his foibles.
24:44But you must feel envy sometimes.
24:47No, no.
24:48I wouldn't want anything in my life to be any different from what it is.
24:52I envy you.
24:53I don't look at it the same role as you do, Jenny.
24:56They're units, costed items.
24:58I employ 300 people in an area of high unemployment.
25:02I couldn't do that without my cheap mass-produced methods.
25:05I suppose that's what people do.
25:07Compartmentalize.
25:08I mean, they say Himmler was very fond of dogs.
25:11Or was it gerbils?
25:13It must be dogs.
25:14I don't think he were at all fond of gerbils.
25:16No, I'm...
25:18How can you joke when I'm comparing you to him?
25:21Well, not that I meant that you're...
25:24Sorry.
25:25Bless you.
25:27Oh, you're being patronizing now.
25:29You're forgiving me because I'm an attractive young thing.
25:31I don't want that.
25:32I hate that.
25:35Oh, I'm sorry.
25:35I shouldn't have said that.
25:37Not today.
25:40Oh, bless them.
25:42I envy you.
25:44Rita!
25:57Oh, please, please wake up.
26:00I've got to get downstairs.
26:01Come on, come on.
26:09I'm sorry to hear you can't get a job, Elvis.
26:11Oh, that's all right then, Simon.
26:13That makes me feel much better about the total uselessness of any life.
26:17I'm trying to be pleasant, Elvis.
26:20Effort, is it?
26:21I just thought that as we're related by marriage now,
26:25Elvis, it would be a good idea if we tried to get along.
26:29You're right.
26:30I'll try.
26:31Sorry, Simon.
26:37Were you named after...
26:38Of course I was, you silly twit.
26:44Oh, dear.
26:45Rita, you can't be responsible for how everyone behaves or you'll crack up.
26:49Now, come on, relax.
26:50Have a drink.
26:50Oh, no, no, no.
26:52Sorry.
26:53But really, you shouldn't have a chip on your shoulder about a name.
26:57Well, how would you like it, Simon, if you were called Garfunkel?
27:01What did you read at university?
27:03Dirty books, mainly.
27:04No, I meant...
27:05I know.
27:06That was a little thing we syncops call a joke.
27:09Philosophy.
27:10Philosophy?
27:11Well, don't sound so scornful.
27:12I've registered as a philosopher at the job centre.
27:15No luck yet.
27:17Why, what do you do?
27:18I'm an estate agent.
27:20Ah.
27:21What do you mean, ah?
27:22I meant, ah.
27:23I can't think of anything to say in response to something so incredibly boring.
27:26So I'll say, ah.
27:27Well, you can mock, but selling houses is a bit more useful than philosophy.
27:32Well, I don't think Bertrand Russell and Nietzsche would agree with you.
27:35Bertrand Russell and Nietzsche?
27:38Are they the biggest estate agents over at Bevan?
27:40The famous philosophers, you ignoramus.
27:43I know.
27:44It was what we Rodenhursts call a joke.
27:50Now, relax.
27:52I can't control how your two families get on single-handed.
28:02Where have you been?
28:03Had a hit off with the King of the Dawn, of course.
28:06What?
28:07I'm joking.
28:08Well, where have you been?
28:10I, ah, I needed some fresh air.
28:12Well, in the immortal words you have used to me so often, I had a headache.
28:16Hello.
28:22Well, I feel the need for some more champagne.
28:24Oh, I'm practically a fixture in this corner.
28:28Good idea.
28:29Oh, no, no, not for the drink now.
28:31So that I can keep an eye on my wretched husband who has been known to overindulge.
28:35Haven't we all?
28:36No.
28:37Oh, I know how much I like and I know how much is good for me.
28:41I won't change my ways just to please the so-called fashionable.
28:44Well, why should you?
28:48Oh, well, I must say, Mrs. Rodenhurst, it is a lovely do.
28:53Them tuna fish volavonts are quite an eye-opener.
28:56Mrs. Rodenhurst.
28:57Liz!
28:59We're related, aren't we?
29:02Oh, incidentally, where is that lovely husband of yours?
29:06Well, um, Miss, um, Liz.
29:12Well, I can't really say.
29:13A mystery, how intriguing.
29:15No, no, no, no, no, no, there's no mystery.
29:17No, it is, well, it is answering an urgent call of nature.
29:24Oh, I see.
29:25Well, enjoy yourselves.
29:30She hates me.
29:38You took your time.
29:39Oh, yes, yeah, no, sorry, sorry.
29:42I've been really badly.
29:44I think it must have been the tuna fish volavonts.
29:46Oh, they're delicious, Ted.
29:49They're different.
29:50Yeah, well, they're different, all right.
29:51It's just that I happen to be allergic, that's all.
29:55I mean, you know, do you remember Sorrento?
29:57Sorrento?
29:58Yeah, I had tuna fish then, didn't I?
29:59Well, that was 25 years ago.
30:01You know, what difference does that make?
30:03It's lifelong, isn't it, an allergy?
30:04Well, why did you eat the volavonts then if you knew you were allergic?
30:07Because of Rita, because of Rita, love.
30:10I didn't realise I were allergic until I had the tuna fish volavonts.
30:14I've only just discovered the common denominator, tuna fish.
30:19What's the matter, love?
30:21Sorrento.
30:23You are?
30:24Well, we're happy then.
30:25Oh, we're happy now.
30:27I mean, we are, aren't we?
30:28I'm not, I'm absolutely miserable.
30:31I'm happy.
30:33Well, no, I mean, reasonably.
30:35I mean, well, you know, life's no picnic, but I mean, I'm not unhappy.
30:39So, I mean, you know, why are you, eh?
30:41You shouldn't be drinking champagne, not if you've been baddled.
30:43Ah, no, no, true, good.
30:45Anybody notice that Paul's missing?
30:47No.
30:47Good, good.
30:48Good?
30:49It's a great tribute to our son's personality, isn't it?
30:52The first man in the history of the universe to go for a haircut
30:54in the middle of his wedding reception and nobody even notices.
30:57He'll never satisfy you.
30:58Why?
30:59Only meant good because nobody notices he's missing, that's all.
31:02Don't you think he'll be a bit surprised when he comes back with a short back and sides?
31:05Hello.
31:06Hello.
31:07Have you seen Paul?
31:08No, not recently, no.
31:09Oh, I just realised I haven't seen him around for quite a while.
31:12My word, married for over an hour and he's still so devoted to him.
31:16Hey, Rita, love, Rita.
31:17Hi.
31:19I'm sorry.
31:20I'm all on edge.
31:22Weddings.
31:23I want us to be good friends.
31:25Oh, so do I, Jenny.
31:27So do I.
31:31Well, where is he?
31:32He's gone for a haircut.
31:33What?
31:34During his wedding reception.
31:36Well, it's probably my fault.
31:38You see, he promised he'd have it done and I ticked him off about it.
31:41Are you thinking of coming on the honeymoon?
31:44He what?
31:45Well, I mean, if he goes for a haircut during his wedding reception because you tell him to,
31:48he may need you on the honeymoon.
31:49Just tell him what to do.
31:55Hiya.
31:56I went for a walk.
31:57I was nervous.
31:59It's not much of a haircut.
32:01Wack.
32:03I never intended to have it cut.
32:04I just wanted to frighten her.
32:07Oh, Jenny.
32:10I love you.
32:17I'm lying.
32:18I was going to have it cut, but there were a queue.
32:20Oh, Paul.
32:25What a start.
32:27They'll sort it out.
32:28You'll see.
32:30What does marriage mean these days?
32:32Oh, come on.
32:32Give them a chance, love.
32:34What does our marriage mean?
32:37Oh, it means, it means I love you, love.
32:43Oh, yeah?
32:44Yes, love.
32:45Really.
32:47I'm sorry.
32:49I'm frightened for them.
32:51I mean, what chance have they got if they haven't got any back-up?
32:54What do you mean, back-up?
32:55Well, I mean, our two families making a real effort to be friendly with each other.
33:00I'm doing my bit.
33:04Here you are, Rita, love.
33:05What are you doing?
33:06Exactly.
33:07Now, come on, love.
33:08Please, mingle.
33:09Why?
33:10Nobody wants to talk to me.
33:12They'll see it in their eyes when I approach.
33:14Oh, God, here she comes.
33:16Now, that's rubbish.
33:16That is absolute rubbish.
33:19Now, come on, love.
33:19Please make an effort for Paul's sake.
33:21Come on, you can do it.
33:22Come on.
33:23Just give me a minute, Ted.
33:25All right, love.
33:26Come on.
33:36Reinforcements for Liz.
33:38Oh, ah.
33:39I'm a lucky man, aren't I?
33:41Pardon?
33:42My wife's a very attractive woman.
33:44Oh, yes.
33:46Yeah, I suppose she is.
33:48Yeah, yeah.
33:49Well, I mean, I hadn't actually...
33:51Well, I mean, I had.
33:52I had noticed, but I hadn't...
33:54Well, you couldn't help not, could you, really?
33:55Because, you know, it sticks out a mile.
33:57No, see, what I meant was that I hadn't...
34:00Yes, yes, she is.
34:01Yes, yes, I suppose you are.
34:02Yes.
34:04I thought Paul gave a very good speech, considering.
34:08Thank you.
34:10What do you mean, considering?
34:11Paul?
34:13Paul, your mother's in there all on her own.
34:14She looks lost.
34:16Oh, I shouldn't have gone off like that.
34:20Well, give up, Simon.
34:21We've tried politics, royalty, class, sex, nuclear weapons,
34:26blood sports, estate agents, fees, and Belgian beer,
34:29and we haven't found anything we agree about yet.
34:31Sorry to interrupt.
34:32Please do.
34:32Elvis, it's your mother.
34:33She's looking a bit adrift.
34:34I think she needs rescuing.
34:36I'm not the US Cavalry, Jenny.
34:38Well, it wouldn't cost much to go and talk to your own mother,
34:40would it?
34:51Hello, Mum.
34:52You all right?
34:53Fine.
34:59Mum, I'm sorry I went off like that.
35:02I thought you were going to miss the cutting of the cake.
35:04I mean, what would they have thought?
35:07Oh, hello there, ma'am.
35:09I wonder where you got to.
35:10Who sent you?
35:12What?
35:12You both come out here to cheer me up.
35:14For a moment, I thought it was spontaneous.
35:16Mum, what's wrong?
35:17Oh, I'm finding this awful.
35:20Our two families just aren't going to get along.
35:23Well, I'm trying my best with Simon.
35:25Unfortunately, he's a total berk.
35:27Elvis, do me a favor.
35:28Belt up.
35:29A surprisingly good speech, I thought, Paul, considering.
35:32But your mate, Terry, is the worst best man I've ever come across.
35:35I couldn't make out whether we're drunk or dyslexic.
35:37Hey, hey, hey.
35:38Dyslexia isn't a laughing matter, Elvis.
35:41Oh, I'm sorry.
35:41He is dyslexic, is he?
35:42No, he's drunk.
35:43But he could have been.
35:45It's yet another proof that this is not a caring society.
35:48I mean, fancy calling the condition of not being able to spell by a word that nobody can spell.
35:52Now, you see, all this caring about things, Paul, it worries me.
35:56You never used to care about things.
35:58Never used to turn a hair about dyslexia among Bolivian tin miners.
36:02They don't have that problem, Mum.
36:04Oh, good.
36:04They're illiterate.
36:06She's changed you.
36:08Yes, yes.
36:09Until I met Jenny, I was a great wet slob.
36:11Well, I love that great wet slob.
36:15It was my son.
36:17I don't know what I'm going to do.
36:19Mum, what's up?
36:21They don't need one.
36:24Nobody needs one.
36:28She's all right.
36:31She's just got the idea that our two families aren't getting on.
36:34Oh, God.
36:35We're going to have to do something about this.
36:37Look, you get my father to talk to your mum.
36:40I'll get your dad talking to my mother.
36:42Right.
36:44Oh, heck.
36:46Straight up to the bathroom, violent deal, and flushes the second set down.
36:50Two sets in as many months.
36:55Hello.
36:56Hello, Paul.
36:58I wonder if you could do something for me.
37:00Well, of course, if I can.
37:02What is it that I can do for you?
37:04Mum.
37:06I beg your pardon?
37:07Mum, she's a bit upset.
37:08Oh, Mum?
37:09Yeah, yeah.
37:09You know, losing her son and all that.
37:11You know me, Mum.
37:12Well, no, you don't, but, you know.
37:16You'd like me to have a little chat with her?
37:18Yeah, yeah, if you could.
37:21She's not very good with people.
37:23So if you could sort of, you know.
37:26Without her knowing, that'd be great.
37:30Fine, fine.
37:32Well, yes, fine.
37:34I'll just top up my glass and steam in.
37:44Oh, no, please.
37:45There's no need to bother with me, really.
37:48You are?
37:49I shouldn't have come.
37:50People melt away when I approach them.
37:52They form groups to exclude me.
37:54Surely not.
37:55I mean, this is England.
37:56I mean, this is Yorkshire.
37:57Oh, I'm not blaming them.
37:59They just can't cope.
38:00Oh, God, here comes poor Neville
38:02and talks about his dead wife
38:03and has tears in his eyes.
38:05You'd think a solicitor should know
38:06that grown men don't cry.
38:08Hey, Neville.
38:09She'd have loved this day.
38:12She adored Jenny.
38:17What can I say?
38:19Precisely.
38:20Leave me be, Ted.
38:21I'm a ship without a rudder,
38:23drifting on a cold, grey sea.
38:25Exactly.
38:27You're the very man.
38:28I know a harbour
38:30where there's a peeling old houseboat
38:31in need of a lick of paint.
38:33Peeling old houseboat?
38:34My wife.
38:35She's finding this difficult.
38:38I wonder if it would be too much trouble,
38:40you know, for you to...
38:41To bring my charm to bear.
38:43Why not?
38:44At some point in my existing
38:45for 10 minutes or so.
38:46Good, look, she's in the other barn.
38:48Now, why don't you take her
38:48and play to them tuna fish volleyballs
38:50because she loves them.
38:51Right, will do.
38:51I'll just fill up my glass
38:53and steam it.
38:54Good man, good man.
38:57Hello.
38:58Hello.
38:59Ted.
39:01I'd like to feel that
39:02our two families could be friends.
39:05Yeah, well, so would I, Jenny.
39:06So would I, very much so.
39:07Go and talk to Mum.
39:08I'd like you to get to know her better.
39:10Bloody hell.
39:12No, I mean, sorry.
39:12If you'd only give her a chance.
39:15Yes, all right, all right, Jenny.
39:16I'll give her a chance, yes.
39:18I think she's up here.
39:20Right, where is she?
39:21Look, there she is.
39:21Oh.
39:22Mum.
39:24Mum.
39:26I'd like you and Ted to be friends.
39:28Well, that's nice.
39:30That's very nice.
39:33Well, I don't see why we shouldn't
39:35try and be friends, do you, Ted?
39:37No, no, no, no.
39:38I don't see why we shouldn't
39:39try to be friends at all, no.
39:40Good.
39:44If she knew.
39:45I know, I know, I feel terrible.
39:47Oh, Lord.
39:48You don't suffer from post-cortal depression, do you?
39:51Liz, please.
39:52I mean, really, Liz.
39:54Do you know, I've often thought
39:55that would make a good slogan.
39:57I mean, if there was a sex marketing board.
39:59Post-cortal for Christmas.
40:02Liz, please.
40:04Because I'm feeling terrible.
40:06I'm feeling guilty.
40:09Do you want to forget it ever happened
40:10and make sure it never happens again?
40:12Of course I don't.
40:13You know I don't.
40:14Well, then.
40:16I mean, nobody suffers.
40:18Nobody knows.
40:20I think Lawrence suspects.
40:22Oh, well, yes, possibly.
40:24Lawrence and I have an arrangement.
40:27I do what I like,
40:27provided I'm reasonably discreet.
40:29And he doesn't do anything.
40:33Liz, I don't regard what we've done today
40:36as being reasonably discreet.
40:40I'm out of my depth.
40:43You're going to find that you are a much better swimmer
40:47than you ever believed.
40:51Ah, there you are.
41:00Yes, hello.
41:07You know, Rita,
41:12I think you and I have a lot in common.
41:16Well, how do you make that out?
41:17I may seem to you to be the happy professional man,
41:21successful dentist, lovely house, beautiful wife,
41:24two highly satisfactory children,
41:28suave, confident, good-looking.
41:31Actually, I am a seething mass of doubts and inadequacies.
41:38Are you suggesting I'm a seething mass of doubts
41:40and inadequacies?
41:41No.
41:43Good heavens, no.
41:44Well, what did you say we had a lot in common for, then?
41:46Why on earth should anybody say that you can't handle people?
41:55Who told you that?
41:57Who sent you?
41:58Oh, Lord.
41:59People have been sent out in streams to see if I'm all right.
42:02It's very worrying.
42:03Well, aren't you going to come in?
42:05Yes, in a minute.
42:08Now, Lawrence, will you please leave me alone?
42:10Right.
42:12Right.
42:16Ah.
42:19Ah, there you are.
42:20All right, who sent you?
42:25I feel sick.
42:27I thought it was only in the morning.
42:29Oh, it's the tension, Paul.
42:32We've let the baby down pretending it doesn't exist.
42:35Who knows what insecurities it may bring on.
42:37The science of the unborn baby is still in its infancy.
42:43I think I might be going to be sick.
42:47Well, a walk out.
42:49Calmly.
42:51Look natural.
42:52Look natural?
42:54What?
42:55They say as men get older, they start to take after their mothers.
43:00That's a dreadful thing to say.
43:07Jenny, have a tuna fish bollabong.
43:13Paul, have a tuna fish.
43:14Sorry, I almost got you.
43:15What a dreadful thing to say.
43:16But then again, it was dreadful of me to say it was a dreadful thing to say.
43:20I mean, in her condition.
43:22I mean, I know, wedding day.
43:25Our wedding day.
43:29Any luck with Rita?
43:31Oh, no, sorry.
43:32Have a tuna fish bollabong.
43:34Oh, cheers.
43:37You mustn't eat those.
43:39You're allergic.
43:40Ah.
43:44It's a lovely wedding.
43:45Thank you.
43:46Really lovely.
43:47No, no, no, I mean it.
43:49Really lovely.
43:51Really, really lovely.
43:53Well, they do these things well here.
43:54Yes, but the point that I'm trying to get across is this has been a lovely wedding.
44:00The message is getting through, I do assure you.
44:05Terrible snobs, these road nurses.
44:09We've made it, haven't we?
44:11You what?
44:12In life.
44:13Oh, aye.
44:14I'm exporting frozen chicken drumsticks to Matabeleland.
44:17Your door knockers in the shape of lions are gracing every Neo-Georgian front door now, Woodley.
44:22We've made it.
44:23And remain friends.
44:27I feel good, Ted.
44:28It's a right good do.
44:30A happy day.
44:32Nobody's happier than Betty.
44:35Oh, Lord.
44:36I'll see if I can get her off the premises without a scene, bless her.
44:39I envy you.
44:43You needn't bother sending anybody else out.
44:45I've found a tiny reserve of strength.
44:48I'm ready for the fray.
44:49Rita, love, what a way to look at it.
44:51It's a wedding, not a fray.
44:53All right.
44:54She's been, Sid.
44:56Sid?
44:56Well, usually only in the mornings, but today in the afternoon.
45:02Oh, heck.
45:05Everybody, please.
45:07What?
45:07I've got to, Paul.
45:09Everybody, please, I have an announcement to make.
45:13I'm pregnant.
45:26I'm sorry.
45:29Well, we should have told you before, but, uh...
45:32Well, we knew how much you were all looking forward to a bit of a do.
45:35A white wedding and everything.
45:38And, uh, well, we decided to go through with it
45:41and then go away or something so you didn't cotton on to dates
45:43because, uh, we know some of you still sort of think that sort of thing's important.
45:47Jenny, come on, Jenny, come on.
45:50I'm sorry.
45:50We should have just gone and done it quietly on our own like we wanted to.
45:55And we wanted you all to have a lovely day.
45:58Like we knew you wanted.
46:00Come on.
46:02We must go and get changed or we're going.
46:04I'm sorry.
46:05Come on, love.
46:06I feel much better now I've told everybody.
46:10I'm sorry.
46:17Can I have the car, please?
46:19I'm going to sit him in the car.
46:21He's had enough.
46:22I haven't.
46:23I want to stick it out to bitter end.
46:25I'm not sure I appreciate that, Brad.
46:27No, no, no, it must be sex.
46:32This has been a lovely wedding.
46:36The tuna fish volavoles were disgusting and all right.
46:42So some of the biggest snubs in this town are in this room.
46:47No names, no dentist drools.
46:52But it has been a lovely wedding.
46:55You won't take the odd snub and volavole.
46:59And that's the main thing.
47:05I'm sorry about that.
47:10Never mind.
47:11Come on, Rodney.
47:13Can't you see we're interrupting a family round?
47:18Goodbye.
47:18Thank you.
47:20Sorry.
47:27Sorry.
47:28Oh, please.
47:30You can't be held responsible for the behavior of your friends.
47:33So our Paul couldn't wait, eh?
47:36I'm not surprised.
47:37She's a right cracker.
47:39All your relatives.
47:40Go to the car, Dad.
47:42She wants to get rid of it.
47:44She didn't want me to come.
47:46She's never welcomed me in her house.
47:48She pretends it's Ted, but Ted's all right.
47:50Now, come on, Father.
47:51It's a bit different from our wedding, eh, Clary?
47:54June 21st, 1938.
47:57It's a long time ago.
47:59Jolly well done.
48:01I've never forgot the date.
48:03It was exactly two months to the day after our Rita were born.
48:06Percy, you wicked man.
48:09Well, I wouldn't have said it if she hadn't wanted me out of the way.
48:13Hey, come on, Mother.
48:14I need to go.
48:16It's the only good thing about being old.
48:19You don't have to give a booker.
48:27There's no need to look at me like that, Mrs. Rodnerst.
48:30I was smiling, Mrs. St. Clair.
48:31We don't need your smiles, Mrs. Rodnerst.
48:34After all, your family isn't as pure as the driven snow.
48:36What exactly do you mean by that?
48:38Well, your daughter's pregnant on a wedding day.
48:40Your son did have something to do with that.
48:42I hope.
48:43Mr. Simcock.
48:44I'll bet you 50 pounds you never make it as a philosopher.
48:48I mean, who ever heard of a famous philosopher called Elvis?
48:52Oh, my God!
48:54Are you all right?
49:02I'm off now.
49:03Goodbye and thank you.
49:06I'm sorry if I...
49:08It was just too soon.
49:09I just couldn't cope with the sight of so many people enjoying themselves.
50:01Hey!