A Bit of a Do S01E05 The Crowning of Miss Frozen Chicken (1989)
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00:00Oh, I'd have loved to, Angie, but we've got a bit of a do on.
00:14Well, it's the crowning of the Miss Frozen Chicken UK.
00:18I know, but Paul and I have got a very special reason for going.
00:21A bit of a do, a bit of a do, smiling faces in public places, getting to know the in-laws
00:39much better than expected.
00:40A bit of a do, invited to a bit of a do.
00:41It's a small town, posh, nonchalant, best behavior, being aware of others who are doing
00:55as you.
00:56Others who are seeing through you, a bit of a do, all tickety-boo, a bride's dimension,
01:13attracts attention, a scrumpy, young groom who defies convention, a bit of a do, a bit
01:21of a do.
01:23Invited to a bit of a do, do-do-do.
01:31Ted, I'm glad you came.
01:37Thank you for inviting me.
01:38What's wrong, Ted?
01:39Have you lost your voice?
01:41No, I'm not talking to you, Ted, there's no need to take it like that.
01:47Ted, good to see you.
01:50Or to you.
01:52What?
01:56Ted wouldn't talk to me.
01:57He isn't talking to me.
01:58He's accepted my invitation and he isn't talking to me.
02:01I'll talk to him.
02:02Will he talk to you?
02:03Well, if he doesn't, I'll give him a talking-to such as he's never had.
02:13Thank you for inviting me, Neville.
02:15Don't thank me, thank cock-a-doodle-chickens.
02:18Rodney's invited me and my guests.
02:20I think he genuinely believes he's doing me a favour.
02:23And you thought, if you have to endure it, why shouldn't I?
02:25Exactly.
02:26No.
02:28Neville, will you give me a straight answer to a straight question?
02:31That rather depends what the question is.
02:34The question is, are you having an affair with my wife?
02:37Certainly not.
02:39Why on earth should you think I am?
02:41On the slenderest of evidence.
02:43She told me she loved you.
02:44What?
02:45She said it was serious and the real thing.
02:47She did?
02:49I assure you this is complete news to me, Lawrence.
02:52Is it?
02:53You took her to dinner at the Majestic last Thursday.
02:56My God, have you been employing a private detective?
02:58The wine-waiter told me.
03:00He's a patient of mine.
03:01He's an awful gossip.
03:02He's an awful wine-waiter?
03:04I've had a couple of dinners with Liz, that's all.
03:06Totally platonic.
03:09Well, there may have been the vaguest tingle of sexuality.
03:12You know Liz.
03:13Who doesn't?
03:14Me, in that sense, I do assure you.
03:20Hello, Ted.
03:21I gather that you're not talking to Rodney.
03:26Aren't you talking to me, then?
03:28I'm talking to you, Betty. I've got no quarrel with you.
03:31Oh, Ted, life's too short.
03:33Rodney's your oldest friend.
03:35Was.
03:36Ted!
03:37Was, Betty.
03:38My life, that foundry.
03:40It was a tumbledown mess of rusting sheds.
03:43It was mine.
03:44It made things.
03:45Good things.
03:46Best toasting for what's this side of Scandinavia.
03:48I mean, it did.
03:50And when it fails, what did my oldest friend do?
03:53Does he sympathise?
03:54Does he yell as like?
03:56He rushes in and buys it.
03:59Stupid birds,
04:00crapping on the very spot where quality door-knockers
04:03have been lovingly fashioned by skilled craftsmen.
04:05You got a quick sale at an excellent price.
04:08Rodney was helping you in your fight to return to solvency.
04:12It wasn't an excellent price.
04:14It was a market price.
04:15For a site in that area, in that condition,
04:18sold at that speed, under those circumstances,
04:20the market price was an excellent price.
04:22He was helping himself.
04:24He was getting just what he wanted, just when he needed it.
04:26I mean, be honest, Betty, he was.
04:28Well, I won't deny it was convenient,
04:30but business is business.
04:32Exactly.
04:33It doesn't count for much when business is concerned.
04:36It isn't lifelong friendship.
04:38Eh?
04:40So I'm not talking to him.
04:42Oh, Ted, it's his big night.
04:45It's his turn to host the crowning of Miss Frozen Chicken UK.
04:52Please, Ted, for me, don't spoil his big night.
04:59I'm sorry.
05:00Well, why did you come then?
05:02Because I wanted to spoil his big night.
05:05You promised me there's nothing behind these dinners with Liz.
05:08Nothing?
05:09I've taken Rita out more often than Liz.
05:11No, but that's only because you have to keep making up to her for being so rude to her.
05:15Oh, yes, I suppose so.
05:16Though, actually, I find her quite good company.
05:19I admire her spirit in refusing to have Ted back.
05:22Do you admire Liz's spirit in refusing to come back to me?
05:26That's different.
05:27I wish she would come back to you.
05:31Would you make one last appeal to her for me,
05:35as my oldest friend?
05:38I mean, what are friends for if they can't help each other in times of need?
05:41Well, if you put it that way, yes, I'll talk to her.
05:44I'll talk to her tonight.
05:46Tonight?
05:47She's my other guest.
05:48I thought I'd try a bit of peacemaking,
05:50get you together in public where you'd be forced to be polite.
05:54Ah, well, that principle doesn't seem to have worked too brilliantly at recent functions.
06:00Do we have to do this?
06:02It's only unlocking a fire exit.
06:04We can only say that when we know that 15 fanatical feminists are going to burst in through it and disrupt the crowning.
06:09Why can't they come in the front way?
06:11It's the security system.
06:13Rodney's a friend, Jenny. I know this works for him.
06:15More shame on him.
06:17With a philosophy degree, he ought to know it's wrong to keep chickens in conditions of abject misery.
06:21With a philosophy degree, he knows how superior people are to chickens.
06:25Not morally.
06:26Chickens don't keep people cooped up in conditions of abject misery.
06:29They would if they were superior to people.
06:31We don't know that.
06:33It's the cattle employers.
06:35Anyway, they aren't protesting against cruelty to chickens.
06:38Well, there might be some animal rights people as well.
06:41Oh, Jenny.
06:43I mean, you yourself have twice refused to let Uncle Rodney's chickens out.
06:46Only because you can't suddenly say to a chicken,
06:48push off from now on, you're free range.
06:51It's like letting prisoners out of jail with no aftercare.
06:55It's West Midlands oven ready poultry.
06:57It's humiliating.
06:58Yeah, right.
06:59Treated as if she's a lump of meat like the chickens.
07:01Exactly.
07:02Battery people.
07:03It's appalling.
07:04Well, come on then.
07:06Right.
07:15Pretty bad end of the evening.
07:17Well, thanks for inviting me, incidentally.
07:19Well, we just hope if you need teddy bears,
07:21Well, thanks for inviting me, incidentally.
07:23Well, we just hope if you need teddy bears,
07:25it'll lead to a reconciliation.
07:27Is it you who's invited him here?
07:29Yes.
07:30Oh, Betsy.
07:32Rita.
07:34You and Ted breaking up, Ted not talking to Rodney.
07:37Well, it's as if a whole era is ending.
07:39Well, maybe it is.
07:41Eras do.
07:42Right.
07:45Rita.
07:46Not being inquisitive, but...
07:49Did there ever turn out to be anything in that business
07:51between you and Neville?
07:53I think so, yes.
07:55What do you mean, you think so?
07:57Well, he keeps taking me out to dinner.
07:59I mean, I think he likes me,
08:01but we've never got farther than a friendly goodnight kiss.
08:04You see, I think I'm the first woman he's taken out
08:06since his wife died, and he's got to learn
08:08the whole process of getting to know somebody again
08:10step by step.
08:12I think I'm falling in love with him better.
08:14Oh, Rita.
08:15Well, there's no need to be so shocked.
08:17I'm not a nun.
08:19Oh, my God, I must have led a dim sort of a life.
08:22You all seem to think I'm about as emotional as a pumice stone.
08:25Be honest, Betty.
08:27Does the idea of a relationship between Neville and me
08:30strike you as totally impossible?
08:32Oh, no, I wouldn't say that.
08:34I mean, I've known the most unlikely and unsuitable liaisons.
08:37Thank you very much.
08:39Oh, Rita.
08:41All this change.
08:43What'll happen to our friendship?
08:46Oh, it'll survive, if it's worth anything.
08:50Anyway, you two don't need us.
08:52You've got so much affection for each other.
08:55Yes, that's true.
08:57Oh, my God, I feel sick with nerves.
09:00It'll be all right as long as he doesn't get drunk.
09:02Well, he oughtn't to.
09:04By my calculations, it's about your turn.
09:07What on earth do you mean?
09:09Nothing.
09:10Are you suggesting that Rodney and I take it in turns to get drunk?
09:13Well, it does seem to happen that way.
09:16I see.
09:17Well, we certainly learn about our friendships.
09:20Betty!
09:22It's one of the things we love and adore about you.
09:27Comment on it and I'll belt you one.
09:29Comment on what?
09:31My name tag.
09:32Elvis Sincock.
09:34My shame revealed for all the world to see.
09:37Why are you wearing it?
09:39Because I have to, you twit.
09:41Rodney's made all the cock-a-doodle-chicken employees wear it.
09:45Philosophy graduate learns hard lesson about nature of freedom.
09:49Elvis, I presume you're aware that I don't like being called a twit.
09:54Of course, that's why I call you a twit, you twit.
09:56Do you know why I don't like being called a twit?
09:58Because it offends your inflated ego.
10:01Utterly wrong.
10:02It's because I know I'm a twit, you twit.
10:05What?
10:06Do you think I chose to be a twit?
10:08Simon, please, this is terrible.
10:10We'll end up as friends if you carry on like this.
10:14Oh, hello.
10:15What have you two been up to?
10:17Nothing, nothing at all.
10:18What were you listening to?
10:19No, nothing.
10:20Why?
10:21You look too nonchalant to be true.
10:23I think some swift naughties have been going on.
10:25I'll belt her, you twit.
10:28There you go, sir.
10:29Just the job, tickety-boo.
10:31Here, have I ever told you about my ex-brother-in-law from Falkirk?
10:35Yes.
10:36Oh, well, the most amazing things happen.
10:38Is it really? How amazing?
10:39You see, he's an income tax inspector during the day
10:42and an amateur ventriloquist at night.
10:44Amazing. Look after my drink, will you, Eric?
10:48There's no need to look guilty, Jenny.
10:50You're forgiven for not helping me let my chickens out.
10:52I'm glad you didn't.
10:53You haven't forgotten the two vegetarian meals, have you?
10:59Two?
11:00Don't tell me you're vegetarian as well.
11:03I credited you with a mind of your own.
11:05Well, I use my mind of my own.
11:07I find my mind of my own.
11:08I find that what most of Jenny thinks with her mind of her own is right.
11:12Paul doesn't have any false machismo hang-ups
11:14which force him to argue just so as to assert his independence.
11:18Oh, good.
11:19I am glad.
11:21Well, you see, his ex-wife came from Lower Staff
11:24and she used to do the most amazing dog impressions
11:27when she'd had a few.
11:28Anyway, this night he'd been out on the source in Rhythm.
11:31Excuse me.
11:32Are we going to wait all night while you read a book at bedtime?
11:34Pardon me for being human.
11:37I'm going to complain about your attitude.
11:39Jenny.
11:40What?
11:41Well, I'm one of those trendy socialists who treat real working people like dirt.
11:44Besides which, I'm thirsty.
11:47Jenny!
11:49Ah, Paul.
11:50I'm sorry, I can't stop. I've got to talk to you.
11:52You've got to talk to Carol Fallingbridge, you know.
11:54You what?
11:55She wants to see you. It says it's urgent.
11:57Oh, heck.
11:58Hello, Rodney.
11:59Hello, Paul.
12:00Hello, monstrous.
12:02Hello, Liz.
12:03You look...
12:04What were we going to say?
12:05Beautiful?
12:06Enormous?
12:07Beautiful and enormous.
12:08Come and meet my other guest.
12:10Other guest?
12:11Lawrence.
12:16Hello, Liz.
12:17Hello, Lawrence.
12:21Oh, dear.
12:22I feel rather like the Secretary General of the United Nations.
12:26Oh, good God.
12:27When you had your quick one-night stand with me,
12:30you never dreamt you were having the future winner of the in-house beauty contest
12:34and second favourite for Miss Frozen Chicken UK, did you?
12:37Oh, my God.
12:38I'm 6-1 at William Hills and 9-2 at Ladbrokes.
12:41Carol, why have you dragged me up here?
12:43I've got a job to do.
12:44I've got to go.
12:45I've got to go.
12:46I've got to go.
12:47I've got to go.
12:48I've got to go.
12:49I've got to go.
12:50I've got to go.
12:51I've got to go.
12:52I've got to go.
12:53I've got to go.
12:54Why have you dragged me up here?
12:56I saw you and Jenny opening a fire exit.
12:59Why?
13:00We like fresh air.
13:02Oh, I know, Jenny.
13:05What are you two up to?
13:07I can't tell you.
13:09Do you want me to tell Jenny about us?
13:12Hello, Jenny, your heroic, caring, feminist husband had it off with me
13:16the night his son was born.
13:18Oh, you wouldn't.
13:19Wouldn't I?
13:21This is my big night.
13:25We're letting in a group of protesters against the exploitation of women
13:30and chickens.
13:33They're going to disrupt the judging.
13:35Get it called off or I'll tell Jenny.
13:37Carol, we have to do it.
13:40Exploiting female flesh is wrong.
13:42There'll never be an equal number of women MPs and judges
13:45while women agree to be assessed on beauty rather than brains.
13:48It isn't just beauty.
13:50There's beauty in everything.
13:52It isn't just beauty.
13:54There's personality and deportment.
13:56Personality and deportment, it's an insult.
13:58This is my big chance.
14:00Last year's Miss Frozen Chicken UK went on to be Miss Kidderminster,
14:04Miss West Mercia and Miss European Processed Meat Products Category 2.
14:08Why don't you protest about my sister on the supermarket checkout, eh?
14:12Dull work, low pay, long hours and Mr Priddle blaming her
14:15when there's no price on things, which isn't her fault.
14:17That's exploitation of women.
14:19This is fun.
14:21I agree. I mean, my boy should go down there as well,
14:23but that doesn't make this right.
14:25Anyway, how can I get it called off? What'll I tell Jenny?
14:28Well, that's your problem.
14:30Oh, heck.
14:39Good evening. I'm delighted to inform you we aren't having chicken tonight.
14:44So, now, without further ado, let's meet the 20 lovelies
14:47selected by the regions of our great boom industry.
14:50The judges are looking not only for beauty, but for elegance, charm, moral fibre.
14:55Now, let me introduce, ladies and gentlemen, beauty number one,
14:58the reigning Miss Dundee drumstick,
15:00Hannah McPherson of Caledonian Chickens.
15:07Hannah hails from Motherwell.
15:09She's 19, she's a chicken trusser.
15:11She has brown hair, green eyes, she's 5 foot 7,
15:14and her statistics are 35, 25, 35.
15:21Our second charmer is Denise Saltmarsh of Choice Chicky Chunks Ltd.
15:27Denise, the reigning Miss West Midland of a Ready Poultry,
15:30is a native of Hale's Owing.
15:32She's a promotional assistant, she has auburn hair, green eyes,
15:35she's 5 foot 4, and her statistics are 36, 26, 37.
15:44Good evening.
15:45Can I have a word?
15:46What?
15:47In private.
15:48I've heard, Aphrodite.
15:49It's Beverley Roberts of Happy Valley Poultry.
15:54What about?
15:55Come on, I'll tell you.
15:56Beverley resides in Basildon.
15:58She's 20 years of age, has black hair, brown eyes, she's 5 foot 5,
16:02her statistics are 38, 28, 38, and she works as a chicken stripper.
16:15What's all this about, Paul?
16:17Can I get you anything?
16:18No thanks, we're just... no thanks.
16:20Look, I'm sorry I was rude earlier.
16:22Oh, that's all right, madam, no problem.
16:25It was my fault.
16:26I shouldn't have been telling stories when we were busy, you see.
16:29That my ex-brother-in-law from Falkirk...
16:31Look, we're trying to have a private conversation, will you just shut up?
16:34Pardon me for breathing.
16:36My God, you're a hypocrite.
16:38You're furious with me when I'm rude, and then you're even ruder.
16:41Well, I apologise, so should you.
16:43I won't listen till you've apologised.
16:45Bloody hell.
16:50Look, I'm sorry.
16:51Nothing would please me more, normally,
16:53than to hear about your ex-brother-in-law from Selkirk.
16:56Falkirk.
16:57Falkirk, Selkirk, what does it...
17:01I'm sorry.
17:02Normally, I would love to hear about your relatives from Falkirk, Selkirk,
17:05Alloa, Breakin' and Fawfar, but I can't right now because we've got a crisis,
17:09not because I don't regard you as my social equal, I do.
17:13Thank you very much, sir.
17:17Oh, what is going on?
17:19Carol saw us opening the fire exit.
17:21She wants us to call off the protest.
17:26Well, she would.
17:27You know what, Jenny, it's her big night,
17:29her chance to escape a life of drudgery.
17:31At what cost to her sex?
17:33It's not just beauty, it's...
17:35It's personality and deportment.
17:38They're looking for an honest girl of high moral calibre.
17:42Sleeping with your uncle and having an abortion when you're 16,
17:44honest and of high moral calibre?
17:47You what?
17:50Carol did that?
17:52Well, it was ages ago.
17:54I mean, it's irrelevant.
17:56But the judges might not think so.
17:59They hardly like to find out.
18:01True.
18:04Oh, God.
18:05What is it?
18:06Oh, I don't know, it must be something I ate.
18:08But you haven't eaten anything.
18:10Well, that's it. It's something I didn't eat.
18:26I've, er...
18:28I've had a word with Jenny.
18:30Oh, yes?
18:32Yes.
18:34And?
18:35Oh, yes.
18:36Oh, yes.
18:39What?
18:43Carol.
18:45Did you, er...
18:47have relations with, er...
18:51with a relation?
18:52And, er...
18:55when you were 16?
18:58You sod.
19:00I could tell the judges that, couldn't I?
19:02If you'd told Jenny about us.
19:04It was a pig.
19:06It got me drunk.
19:08When Mr Road Nurse found out, he sacked me.
19:12Oh, go on, tell the judges.
19:15I'm not going to win anyway.
19:18Oh, Greg.
19:20I can't. I'm going to tell Jenny.
19:22No, Paul.
19:23I couldn't tell Jenny either.
19:25No, I'm going to. I've got to. I can't look weird.
19:28No, don't tell her. There's no need.
19:30Yes, there is. I must.
19:31Oh, please, don't.
19:34Well...
19:35I must go.
19:37I'm on in a minute.
19:39Well, look.
19:42I hope you win.
19:43Some chance.
19:45Denise Saltmarsh has been sleeping with all the judges.
19:48Oh, how awful.
19:50I know. Have you seen them?
19:53I meant, is there corruption everywhere?
20:04There's something I've got to tell you.
20:09The night Thomas was born,
20:12it was a very...
20:15well, not disturbing,
20:17emotional time.
20:20I'd never been a father before,
20:22and I wasn't sure what to do.
20:25And I didn't know what to do.
20:28I didn't know what to do.
20:30I'd never been a father before, and I was a bit...
20:35I mean, not that there's any excuse.
20:40Jenny...
20:45Carol and I...
20:46Oh, no.
20:48Oh, God.
20:49It only happened once.
20:50Oh, good. What a relief.
20:51Jenny, listen, please.
20:52Just now, when I told Carol what you just told me,
20:55she said she could never tell you what I've just told you.
20:58So, you see, I needn't have told you.
21:02I told you because I wanted to.
21:04Does that make a difference?
21:06Well, it does to me, yes.
21:07Well, sod you!
21:09Jenny, it means I'm terribly sorry. It means I love you.
21:15So...
21:17it's over.
21:19Our pathetic marriage.
21:22Your laughable commitment to a brief career as a father.
21:25No, I...
21:26Take your hands off me.
21:29You pathetic little rat!
21:35Not you, me.
21:45Angelie?
21:47Something dreadful happened.
21:50I've left Paul.
21:53Um, look,
21:55can I come round and bring the baby instead?
21:57Can I come round and bring the baby instead a few days?
22:01Oh, thanks, Angie.
22:05Now, they're all through there,
22:06stuffing themselves on roast beef and all the trimmings,
22:09and I hate being idle.
22:10I'm not that sort of a barman, so I thought,
22:12I know, I'll ring Alec, eh?
22:14Just the job, tickety-boo.
22:16Here, Alec,
22:17have I ever told you about my ex-brother-in-law from Falkirk?
22:22Alec?
22:25Funny.
22:27Hello, Angie?
22:28Is, er, Jenny there?
22:32Yeah, I know, I have.
22:34Look, can I talk to her?
22:37Angie?
22:41Oh, thank you.
22:42Five minutes, Miss Fodenbridge.
22:45Oh, heck.
22:47And her ambition is to open her own riding school.
22:54What's happened?
22:55What's happened?
22:56They've been gone for an hour and a half.
22:58Shh.
22:59Next, at number 19,
23:01our very own Carol Fodenbridge of Cock-a-doodle-chicken.
23:09Carol's hobbies are travelling,
23:10cooking,
23:11roller-skating
23:12and collecting antique jewellery.
23:14Her ambition is to drive a Formula One powerboat.
23:21I mean, they've missed the special Ratatouille.
23:24Wow, I know young people
23:26are probably crying in each other's arms by now.
23:28Shh.
23:29And last but not least,
23:31number 20,
23:32all the way from Bridport in Dorset,
23:34Davina Winkle of Ambrosia Poultry Company.
23:39Davina's hobbies are meeting people,
23:41keeping fit
23:42and designing her own clothes.
23:44Her ambition is to open her own fashion house.
23:54And now, ladies and gentlemen,
23:56the judges will begin the hard work
23:58of reducing the tremendous 20
24:00to the fabulous five.
24:02I don't envy them.
24:06You were wonderful.
24:08Oh, congratulations.
24:10You did absolutely wonderful.
24:12Good for you.
24:13Good for you.
24:14Congratulations.
24:15Congratulations.
24:16Well done.
24:24Thank you.
24:32Please talk to Rodney.
24:33All this passing notes is so childish.
24:35What are you doing?
24:36If you're not passing notes...
24:37That's different.
24:39I've passed you a note
24:40because I didn't want them to know,
24:41not because I'm not talking to you.
24:43Excellent.
24:44Rodney's enough on edge with his comparing
24:47without your contribution.
24:49I am not on edge.
24:50I have the natural pent-up excitement of the performer.
24:52That's not being on edge.
24:53I didn't intend on edge to be rude, Rodney.
24:55I just meant you can do without overgrown schoolboys
24:58passing you notes, especially tonight.
25:00Rita, have a real grievance.
25:02That is standing on adult dignity.
25:04That is not behaving like an overgrown schoolboy.
25:07Oh, God, Betty,
25:08why do men take umbrage so easily?
25:11Ted, whatever the rights and wrongs of the affair,
25:14make it up with Rodney.
25:16What do you mean,
25:17whatever the rights and wrongs of the affair?
25:20Rita, Rita, Rita, what are you doing?
25:23Screaming.
25:24We used to be such good friends.
25:26Now, we can't open our mouths
25:27without rubbing somebody up the wrong way,
25:29and I find that very unpleasant,
25:30so I screamed, all right.
25:32No, it is not all right.
25:34People do not scream at public functions.
25:37Well, all the more reason for doing it, then.
25:41Am I imagining things, or did Rita just scream?
25:44I think she did.
25:45I wonder if she's going off her head.
25:47I think she's discovering how to express her feelings.
25:49That can be quite intoxicating.
25:52Is the insinuation in that particular verbal hand grenade
25:55that I can't express my feelings?
25:57Good Lord, no.
25:58I'm sure you'd be able to express them if you ever had any.
26:01Children, please.
26:03Don't be discouraged, Neville.
26:04They wouldn't bother to be so rude to each other
26:06if they didn't care.
26:08That's psychology.
26:10Is it?
26:11I've always assumed that people are nice to each other
26:13because they like each other
26:14and nasty because they don't,
26:15but I'm probably very naive and simple.
26:19I'd rather hope somebody might deny that.
26:21Is that Elvis' psychological theory, sir?
26:24Well, yes. Actually, it is.
26:26You're becoming rather friendly with him, aren't you?
26:28No. We never do anything but argue.
26:30According to his theory, that makes you bosom pals.
26:34Would you object?
26:35Well, I wouldn't say it was a friendship
26:37that would advance your career in this town.
26:39Are you in a strong position to criticise liaisons
26:42with the Simcock family, dear?
26:44I'm sure young Paul will be a good husband to Jenny.
26:47She could have done a lot worse.
26:48Oh, yes.
26:49Virtually every other road sweeper in England
26:51would have been worse.
26:52You really are a terrible snob, Mother.
26:55I think I'm rather a good snob.
26:57Olympic class.
26:58You're not so bad yourself,
26:59which is just as well as it's your own lieutenant.
27:02I am a snob, and I regret it.
27:05If I weren't, you wouldn't have married me.
27:11Cheer up, Neville.
27:12This is very encouraging.
27:21Ladies and gentlemen,
27:22the judges have selected their shortlist of five.
27:26Meet finalist number one,
27:28Denise Saltmarsh of Choice Chicky Chunks Ltd.
27:35Hello, Denise.
27:36How are you feeling now?
27:38I don't know, really.
27:39I feel quite, you know...
27:41Confident?
27:42Well, yeah, sort of.
27:44Jolly good.
27:45Tell us more about this fascinating hobby of yours,
27:47these ancient Ming vases.
27:48How did you get interested in them?
27:50I don't know, really.
27:51I just like them.
27:55You were telling me your great-uncle had a house
27:57full of Chinese curios,
27:58and they fascinated you.
27:59Yes, that's right.
28:00He did.
28:02And they did.
28:03Jolly good.
28:04Tell us more about this unusual ambition of yours.
28:07Why do you want to be a freelance hairstylist?
28:10I don't know, really.
28:11I just do.
28:12Jolly good.
28:13Thank you, Denise Saltmarsh.
28:18Our second finalist,
28:20Carol Fallingbridge of Cock-a-doodle-chickens.
28:28How are you feeling now, Carol?
28:29Well, I'm a little bit tense.
28:31Oh, not too bad.
28:33I'm pleased to have gotten to the last five,
28:35and if I can go further, it'll be a bonus.
28:37Jolly good.
28:38Jolly good.
28:39Tell us more about this unusual ambition of yours.
28:41To drive a Formula One powerboard.
28:43Oh, well, I like boats,
28:46I like the sea,
28:48I think speed's quite exciting,
28:50and I don't see why the men should have it all their own way.
28:53Absolutely jolly good.
28:55Thank you very much.
29:09Thank you.
29:10Ladies and gentlemen, I apologise for the delay,
29:12and I'd like to thank all those who helped remove those misguided people.
29:16They weren't misguided, they were right.
29:18Peter!
29:19Well, let's face it, they were.
29:21This is all ridiculous.
29:23Well, I don't think they were right,
29:25but I do have a sneaking admiration for their courage and passion.
29:28Don't tell me he's going soft as well.
29:30Anyway, we are going to let it spoil our evening,
29:32for which many people have spent a lot of money.
29:35The three winners will be presented with their awards
29:38by last year's Miss Frozen Chicken UK, Karen Parkinson!
29:46Why did you say that just now, about them protesters being right?
29:50Because it's true!
29:52I will now introduce the winners in reverse order.
29:58Third, Carol Fodingbridge of Cock-a-doodle-chickens!
30:05I mean, how would you like it if you were described
30:08as a crinkly-haired ex-company director,
30:11five-foot-eight, bloodshot eyes,
30:13vital statistics 38-38-5-38?
30:17Our runner-up is...
30:19Emily Roberts of Happy Valley Poultry!
30:24It's the five.
30:26What do you think?
30:28Rita, that's very personal.
30:31And grossly inaccurate.
30:33Our winner is...
30:36Denise Saltmarsh of Choice Chicky Chunks Limited!
30:47Did it ever occur to you that maybe a woman's chest measurements are personal too?
30:53I don't know what's got into her, mate.
30:57I don't know what's got into her, mate.
31:00Honestly, I don't.
31:02Apologise to Rodney for me, will you, Betty?
31:04Why don't you do it yourself?
31:08No, no, no chance.
31:16I feel rather like a change of scene.
31:18Liz, would you like to come and have a drink in the bar?
31:21Why not?
31:22Good idea.
31:23Yes, um...
31:25You and Liz go and have a drink, Neville.
31:33I'm sorry about that, but Neville's promised to feed my cause with your mother.
31:37If your friend Elvis's psychological theories are true,
31:41I must stand a chance.
31:43Yes.
31:46Thank you.
31:47I had an ulterior motive in asking you out here, Liz.
31:50I had an ulterior motive in asking you out here, Liz.
31:52Oh, good.
31:53What?
31:54Before I embark upon the particular matter I want to raise with you,
31:58I must ask you about a different,
32:00though by no means entirely unrelated matter.
32:02Stop sounding so legal, Neville.
32:04I'm sorry.
32:06At the horse-raising evening,
32:08Lawrence mentioned something to me that I didn't then understand.
32:11I later learnt, to my considerable...
32:14as you can imagine,
32:16that he was alluding to remarks made by you,
32:18the gist of which was that you loved me.
32:21As a pure formality, Liz,
32:23I must ask you,
32:25did you tell Lawrence that you loved me?
32:28Yes.
32:30You did?
32:31But, Liz, why?
32:33Because I do.
32:34What?
32:35Love you.
32:37Good Lord.
32:42Good Lord.
32:45Good Lord.
32:47Good Lord.
32:48To your considerable what?
32:50What?
32:51You said that when you realised what Lawrence was talking about,
32:54this was, in your own words, to this court.
32:56If I can recall...
32:57Liz.
32:58Well, you're still sounding rather legal, Neville.
33:00You said Lawrence mentioned a matter that you didn't understand.
33:03You later learnt, to your considerable,
33:05that I'd said...
33:07I loved you.
33:09To your considerable what?
33:10Delight, horror, amusement?
33:12Amazement.
33:14Is it really that surprising?
33:18I loved you when we were young, Neville.
33:20Good Lord.
33:22You never suspected?
33:24I think I was a pretty immature and stupid young man.
33:28I thought you might think of denying that.
33:30Well, I did think of denying it, but you almost broke my heart, Neville.
33:33I sometimes wonder if I only married Lawrence
33:35because he was your friend and I hoped I might still see you.
33:38So, you see, I've at least half loved you
33:40for more years than I care to think of.
33:42So, the reason for your...
33:44Peccadillo's, Amour's, Sordid Liaison's?
33:47No, good Lord, no. Well, yes.
33:50Is it I have been very unhappy for many years
33:53and only stayed with Lawrence
33:55because I felt I owed it to the children?
33:57Yes!
33:58Good Lord.
33:59But this is...
34:00Dreadful?
34:01Wonderful?
34:03I don't know.
34:04One or the other.
34:05So, er...
34:07Well, this is rather delicate, Neville,
34:10but I've started, so I'll finish.
34:12Our next contestant is Liz Rodenhurst,
34:15whose specialised subject is botched lives.
34:18What is rather delicate?
34:19Well, I know how much you and Jane wanted children.
34:23I mean, happy and fulfilled, though you were a hasten.
34:26And I thought, well,
34:28I'm about to have a child who has no father,
34:31and I thought, well, is it meant?
34:34Good Lord.
34:36Good Lord.
34:38Liz, all I can say is good Lord.
34:40So it would appear.
34:41Anyway, the whole thing, we should probably forget all about it.
34:44Now, what is this other matter you wanted to raise with me?
34:47Ah!
34:48Well, Lawrence has asked me to ask you
34:51to go back to him.
34:53Will you?
34:54No.
34:55Good. Well, I've done what I promised.
34:58No, I haven't. I said I'd plead.
35:00Liz, I beg of you.
35:02Think of your marriage vows.
35:04Think of your husband.
35:06My friend.
35:07Lonely in that draughty great house.
35:09Well, I mean, not draughty.
35:11I wouldn't want you to think I was ever cold when I...
35:14Think of the many years you've spent together.
35:17Your children, who both love you. Both.
35:20Reconsider this decision.
35:22Give Lawrence one more chance, I beg of you.
35:25Will you do it?
35:26No.
35:27Good.
35:29Marry me, then.
35:32Yes.
35:34Neville!
35:36You serious?
35:38Yes. I honestly think I am.
35:41You see, I did at least half love you before I met Jane.
35:46Although I was too shy and stupid to see that you loved me.
35:50So, yes, I honestly think I am.
35:55Do you really mean yes?
35:57Yes!
35:58Good Lord!
36:08Good Lord!
36:26Fantastic.
36:28Dancing with Miss Frozen Chicken, UK.
36:32What a nerve.
36:34How many women have you had, Charlie?
36:36Well...
36:38I haven't counted.
36:40As few as that.
36:41I'm a professional man in a small town, Elvis.
36:43I have to be discreet.
36:45Opportunities are rare.
36:47Give over.
36:49There must be times when you're showing a lady client around the house.
36:52You're in the commodious, handsomely proportioned master bedroom
36:55with a luxury bathroom en suite.
36:57And you're tempted to remove her spacious knickers
36:59and make mad passionate love to her.
37:01That sort of thing just doesn't happen at Trellis, Trellis, Openshaw and Finch.
37:05I wish I was clever enough not to have to worry about toeing the line.
37:10I'm going to take you in hand, Simon.
37:13I'm going to transform your life.
37:15I'm going to open uncharted seas.
37:19Oh, dear.
37:22Hi.
37:23Have you had your little chat with Liz?
37:25Yes, er...
37:27I have, yes.
37:29And?
37:31Well, I'm... I'm afraid things didn't go entirely to plan.
37:36I did... I do assure you, I did put your case very forcibly.
37:39Very forcibly.
37:41I pleaded, begged, but to no avail.
37:45Oh.
37:47Well, thank you anyway.
37:49Not at all. It was a pleasure.
37:51Well, not a pleasure. I was glad to do it for you.
37:55Tell me honestly, Neville, as a friend,
37:58do you think there's any hope?
38:00I have to say, as a friend,
38:02I'm afraid there isn't any hope at all.
38:05How can you be so sure?
38:07Well, I also have to tell you,
38:09also, as a friend, I do assure you
38:12that we're engaged.
38:16What?
38:17Lizzie's going to ask you for a divorce and then she's going to marry me.
38:21You bastard.
38:23I would like to assure you categorically, Lawrence,
38:25as a friend and as a lawyer,
38:27that I have satisfied myself thoroughly and completely...
38:29I'll bet you have, you swine.
38:31That I have satisfied myself thoroughly and completely
38:33that the breakdown of your marriage to Liz was irrevocable
38:35and that I elicited this information without prejudice,
38:38without asking leading questions
38:39or influencing her decision in any way.
38:42You assured me not three hours ago
38:44that you had no knowledge of any relationship between you.
38:46I didn't then.
38:47And now you're engaged?
38:48Yes.
38:49You bastard.
38:51Hello, Neville.
38:54I was wondering if you'd like to brave the perils of my cooking
38:58and come to dinner one night.
39:00That sounds lovely, Rita.
39:01Absolutely lovely.
39:03Rita, I have some news
39:06that may be rather a surprise to you.
39:09Liz and I are going to be married.
39:12What?
39:14I thought you'd be surprised.
39:15I'm rather surprised myself.
39:18Well, congratulations.
39:21Thank you.
39:22You won't mention this to a soul, will you?
39:24But I wanted you to know.
39:26Me? Why?
39:27I rather like you, Rita.
39:29And I rather fancied you rather like me.
39:32I thoroughly enjoyed our little dinners together.
39:35I felt an air of relaxed, undemanding companionship
39:40that I've only ever had before with male friends.
39:43Didn't you feel it?
39:44Oh, yes. Yes.
39:46Yes, they were lovely and relaxed and undemanded.
39:51And I hope you'll both be very happy.
39:57Mum!
40:00Mum?
40:01What's wrong?
40:02I was.
40:03You what?
40:04I was wrong about something and now I've been put right,
40:06so I'm not wrong anymore, so everything must be all right, wasn't it?
40:09You're the philosopher.
40:10Mum.
40:11Your education was a complete waste of money.
40:13You're totally inarticulate.
40:14No, it's just that...
40:16I mean...
40:17Mum.
40:18Exactly.
40:20Do you feel like buying your mother a very large drink, Elvis?
40:24Mum.
40:31Hello, Carol.
40:36What's wrong?
40:39Jenny's left me. She's...
40:41She's taken Thomas.
40:43You told her.
40:45I had to.
40:46You idiot.
40:48I'm...
40:50I'm sorry about the protest.
40:52It was dealt with.
40:54Did you win?
40:56No.
40:57I came third.
40:59Jenny's saltmarsh won because she'd been sleeping with all the judges
41:02and the coloured girl came second just to show they're not prejudiced.
41:05I'm not sorry about the protest.
41:08The whole thing's a farce.
41:10A bloody farce!
41:12What the hell's going on?
41:15The whole evening's been a disgusting mishmash of corruption
41:19and chauvinism and stupidity and decadence
41:21that can only be mounted in a society so rotten it's disintegrating.
41:25Yes, I know that, but what happened?
41:28Jenny's left me.
41:30Oh, God, no! Why?
41:35I slept with Carol Fordenbridge.
41:37You didn't.
41:39Elvis!
41:40Oh, don't get on it, mate. He did it.
41:42And you admire him for it. I think that's worse.
41:45Philosopher!
41:47Bloody hell! What a family!
41:51What a family indeed.
41:54You'd better come home with me, Paul, eh?
41:56Two fools together.
41:58Oh, my God, here's another one.
42:00Hello, Paul. Hello, Rita.
42:02Good night, Ted. I'll get me coat, Paul.
42:04Rita.
42:05What?
42:06Have you heard something very secret and confidential
42:09involving Neville and Liz?
42:11Yes, it seems so secret and confidential that everybody knows about it.
42:15And if you gloat, I'll knock your block off.
42:17No, no, no, not gloating.
42:19No, I'm just, I mean...
42:21You know, I mean, well, I thought...
42:24Doesn't it change things?
42:26I don't think so, no.
42:27It just means I've made an utter fool of myself, as usual.
42:31No, what I mean is, I mean, well, it makes...
42:34It makes us, well, free.
42:37Free?
42:38Try again, don't it?
42:40I don't think I want to try again, Ted.
42:45Rita, why not?
42:47Give me one good reason.
42:49You're so small-minded.
42:52Refusing to talk to Rodney, it's pathetic.
42:55After what he did...
42:57Pretending he doesn't exist doesn't solve anything.
43:07Oh, look out, here comes Ted.
43:13Well, it wasn't a bad meal.
43:14You know, to say that they were well catering for a crowd.
43:17No, quite a bit better than last time, anyway.
43:19Yeah, I mean, you know, it could have all gone off a great deal worse.
43:22I suppose so. I feel I've aged ten years.
43:27You're talking to him.
43:29Yeah, well, you know, I don't want to seem petty, Becky.
43:32Why, I'm glad.
43:35You're both sober.
43:36Ah, well, there's enough problems tonight with that.
43:39What do you mean?
43:40Nothing. No, no, it's just nothing.
43:42Are you suggesting we usually aren't?
43:44No, it's just that...
43:45We take it in turns to get drunk.
43:48Well, yes.
43:52Just something that Rita said earlier tonight.
43:54No tack that, woman. Never has had.
43:57Apparently people have got this idea that you and I get drunk alternately.
44:00Don't be offended, Rodney.
44:03I mean, it's one of your more likeable qualities.
44:06No, I'm working it out.
44:07Do you know, I think it's true.
44:09I think we do.
44:16Just came to say goodnight.
44:17Goodnight, Rita.
44:18And thank you for coming.
44:19Thank you for inviting me.
44:21It's been quite a night.
44:23Goodnight.
44:24Rita.
44:25What?
44:26Rita.
44:27What?
44:29Talking to Rodney.
44:31Talking to Rodney wasn't a qualifying test I was putting you through, Ted.
44:34Rita, Rita.
44:36What is it that I have to do?
44:39Something that's impossible.
44:41Behave up till now differently from what you have done.
44:48So this is it then, is it?
44:51I really do think so, Ted.
44:55Oh, Rita.
44:57I mean, don't get me wrong.
44:59I mean, it's not important.
45:01But I mean, the house.
45:04Well, that's no problem.
45:06I've got the house you walked out of.
45:08You've got the flat she walked out of.
45:10No, I mean, it's not important.
45:11It doesn't matter.
45:12But I mean, I paid for it.
45:14You're living in it.
45:15I'll move out soon.
45:17Don't worry.
45:18I don't want you to move out.
45:21I want to move back in.
45:23Oh.
45:24Let me, you know, let me try again.
45:26Do you really want to, Ted?
45:30Surely we ought to be able to find something better.
45:33Where am I going to find anything better?
45:35A failed bankrupt with no money.
45:36I didn't think you'd fail.
45:37I thought you were moving sideways into design.
45:39Well, I am.
45:40Yeah, I know.
45:41But I mean, I can't concentrate without a good woman.
45:44Find one.
45:46We're a splendid sex.
45:51Most of us.
45:57I'm off now.
45:59I couldn't leave without congratulating you.
46:01I understand you're engaged.
46:03I must thank your fiancé for inviting me.
46:05He's a stickler for good manners.
46:07He tried so hard to bring us together tonight.
46:10He must be devastated by the extent of his failure.
46:14Lawrence, you wouldn't have wanted to bring up my child.
46:17You never seemed all that keen about it.
46:19I'm sorry.
46:20I'm sorry.
46:21I'm sorry.
46:22I'm sorry.
46:23I'm sorry.
46:25You never seemed all that keen on your own.
46:27Maybe I wanted a second crack at parenthood.
46:30It's possible one learns from one's mistakes, don't you think?
46:33But it may grow up to look like Ted!
46:35Oh, I don't resent Ted any more.
46:37I pity him.
46:38It is just a pawn in your game.
46:40That's a dreadful thing to say.
46:42Is it?
46:43You're not having the baby because you want Ted's child.
46:47You're having it as an excuse to break with me
46:49and as a bait to trap Nettle.
46:51Are you suggesting I planned all this?
46:54How much does a cat plan?
46:56Or does it just instinctively behave in such a way that it gets what it wants?
47:01Neville, I'm going to get my coat.
47:04If I stand here much longer, there is a danger your charm will have me wishing I'd never left you.
47:13Bye, Liz.
47:22Thank you for inviting me, you bastard.
47:26Oh, God.
47:51Hey!
47:54Hey!
47:57Hey!
48:00Hey!
48:03Hey!
48:06Hey!
48:09Hey!
48:12Hey!
48:15Hey!
48:18Hey!