A Bit of a Do S01E03 The Angling Club Christmas Party
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00:00Oh, I'd love to, Ursula, but I can't.
00:14I've got a bit of a do-on.
00:16He insists I go to his angling club Christmas party.
00:20Imagine it!
00:24A bit of a do.
00:28A bit of a do.
00:32Smiling faces in public places.
00:36Getting to know the in-laws much better than expected.
00:40A bit of a do.
00:42Invited to a bit of a do.
00:47It's a small town, posh house affair.
00:51Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing a show.
00:59Others who are seeing through you.
01:02A bit of a do.
01:06All tickety-boo.
01:10The bride's dimension attracts attention.
01:14A scruffy young groom who defies convention.
01:18A bit of a do.
01:22Invited to a bit of a do.
01:32I'm sorry we couldn't finish the decorations.
01:35We've had the bloody V.A.T. man here all day.
01:37Excuse my French.
01:39I mean, what do the silly buggers want?
01:40Receipts for every packet of pork scratchings?
01:42Never mind, Lester. Half the room looks lovely.
01:46Oh, come and meet the Pilbeams.
01:48I don't want to meet the Pilbeams.
01:50How can you say that? You've never even met them.
01:52Exactly. I know enough people.
01:54I don't want to meet any new ones.
01:56Liz, I'm club chairman.
01:59It's part of my social duty is mingling.
02:01I don't know any of these people.
02:03Exactly. So come and meet them.
02:05Then you will know them.
02:07Then it will be no problem to meet them.
02:09Any road, it'll be no problem to you, Liz. You've got social poison.
02:12Oh, dear.
02:14I used to think, why can't Rita be more like Liz?
02:17Now I'm with you, you're going to be more like Rita.
02:19It'll be very unfair sometimes, good life.
02:21Could it possibly be that the fault is yours?
02:23Mine? Don't be ridiculous.
02:25Oh, is that what you want me for?
02:27My social poison?
02:29No, I want you for your body.
02:32Oh, plus your mind and your personality, obviously.
02:35That goes without saying.
02:37Did Rita mingle with these dudes?
02:39No, that was different. That was marriage.
02:41No, you and I are in love.
02:43Aren't we?
02:45I mean, we make sacrifices for each other, don't we?
02:47So, come and meet the pill beans.
02:51Still working as a waiter, are you, Elvis?
02:54Er, no, no, that was just holiday relief.
02:57I'm unemployed.
02:59It must be tough for you, you haven't really got any marketable skills, have you?
03:02I've got a philosophy degree, Uncle Rodney.
03:04I've spent three years studying the world's greatest thinkers.
03:07This is what I say, you haven't got any marketable skills.
03:11No, I suppose it's naive of me to think that somebody might think it worth employing somebody trained in how to think properly.
03:16Oh, don't get bitter, Elvis.
03:18Well, wouldn't you be bitter if your dad left your mother?
03:20And shacked up with your younger brother's stuck-up wife's even more stuck-up mother?
03:23Elvis, Jenny isn't stuck-up.
03:25No? Well, her mother is.
03:28I mean, they didn't come, and there's a lot hasn't.
03:31I think that's mainly internal.
03:33There's been some bad feelings since the fracas at Whizbeach.
03:36Yeah, well, it's all just been very clicky.
03:40You're very quiet, aren't you, Betty?
03:42Are you all right?
03:43I'm fine, Elvis.
03:45She's upset about her dental work.
03:47She's had her bridge done and she hates it.
03:49I didn't want to come, but I had to come make sure he didn't drink too much while I'm not here.
03:55Betty, as if I would.
03:57Hello.
03:58How's Elvis?
03:59Thirsty.
04:02I'm sorry, Rob, I'm sorry.
04:03No, he'll come round in time.
04:05Is that wine, Liz?
04:06Usual, dear.
04:08Give me a hand, Ted.
04:09Mm.
04:10Betty.
04:12Betty, my Rita Alcines, we're building society.
04:15Oh, yeah.
04:16She looked awful.
04:17What can I say?
04:18Well, how about I'm sorry?
04:19Look, you know I am.
04:20She's not long lost her father, Ted.
04:22I know.
04:23I promised Betty, as your oldest friend, I'd ask you.
04:26Take her back, Ted.
04:27I mean, I can't.
04:29None of this is doing anybody any good.
04:31I know, I know.
04:32I can't.
04:34I love Liz.
04:37I'm having her baby.
04:41What?
04:42Hm?
04:43I mean, she's having my baby.
04:46What?
04:47Do you fish?
04:49No.
04:54Does Rodney fish?
04:56No.
05:00I realise you probably resent me.
05:02Mm, no.
05:03No, no, no, it's not that.
05:05Well, I mean, I suppose I do, wouldn't you?
05:08No, it's...
05:09Hm?
05:10It's my teeth.
05:12In the unlikely event of your running into your husband,
05:14would you kindly tell him that I'm going to sue?
05:17You mean, Lawrence has made a...
05:22Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
05:24To you, it can't be remotely...
05:33You're not the entertainment, are you?
05:35No, sorry.
05:36Oh, I can see that now, sorry.
05:38What?
05:39Well, she's pregnant.
05:40Can't entertainers be pregnant?
05:42Is that one more thing pregnant women can't do?
05:44Well, no, but you're not the entertainment, are you?
05:46It's the same with newsreaders.
05:48I mean, do they think we wouldn't listen if they were eight months pregnant?
05:50Do they think we'd all be going,
05:51oh, isn't she big, I wonder if it'll grow up to be a newsreader?
05:54Oh, sorry, missed that.
05:55Who invaded who, Dad?
05:57Only the entertainment's cutting it a bit fine, you see.
06:01Hello, you came.
06:03We've decided there's nothing to be gained
06:05by pretending what's happened hasn't happened.
06:08But we wouldn't want you to think that because we've come
06:10it means we approve of the situation.
06:12Is that the end of the joint communique?
06:14Incidentally, I should have told you, I've gone vegetarian.
06:16I wonder if they could do me a salad or something.
06:18You came!
06:20Yes, but we're not to think because they've come
06:22it means that they approve of the situation.
06:24I see.
06:26Well, I've had a chat with the Pilgrims.
06:29What was the frack at Whiz Beach?
06:31Oh, nothing, just ripple on the waters.
06:33Arthur Pilbeam has told me all about the problems he's having
06:35with his spigoted ferulous rod.
06:37I suggested he ought to see a doctor.
06:40Didn't go down too well.
06:41Do you think they could do me one?
06:43A spigoted ferulous rod?
06:45A salad.
06:46You've not turned vegetarian?
06:48Yes.
06:49Oh, dear, if it did nothing else,
06:51I hope marriage to Paul would knock the trendiness out of you.
06:54It's not trendiness, it's a conviction.
06:57I don't share it, but I respect it.
07:00I'm not going to not do the things I believe are right
07:02just because other people are doing them.
07:05Well, all right, yes, I'll see if Maevis can rustle up a salad.
07:08It shouldn't be totally beyond her.
07:10Right.
07:15Can I have a word in private, Ted?
07:17You what, Kev?
07:18I've got some dirt on here I'm going to have to blackmail you.
07:21Hmm?
07:22You can say what you've got to say.
07:24Shout it through a megaphone, I've got no secrets.
07:26Come on, play it fair.
07:27If everybody overheard, I wouldn't have a hold on you anymore, would I?
07:30You haven't got a hold on me.
07:33There's no dirt on me. I mean, there isn't.
07:35It's about the frack out at Whizbeach.
07:37Let's talk in private.
07:48Cast your mind back to Whizbeach.
07:50Grey skies over the flat black fens,
07:52an howling easterly wind straight from Russia.
07:54There's an howling easterly in this corridor and all to worry about.
07:57An argument takes place.
07:58The pretext is the Abbotts of Tench.
08:00The real cause is a redhead from Maltby.
08:02Trevor Barnwell pushes Derek Wiggins in.
08:04Derek Wiggins can't swim.
08:06Trevor Barnwell refuses to rescue Derek Wiggins,
08:08so Alan Willis pushes Trevor Barnwell in.
08:10Trevor Barnwell can swim, but it takes three men to rescue Derek Wiggins.
08:14What?
08:21You are not among them.
08:23Your Elvis is and you aren't.
08:25I was prepared. I mean, I was, if necessary, which it wasn't.
08:28While all eyes are on the water,
08:30you remove two roach and a bream from Trevor Barnwell's keep net
08:34and put it in yours, thus winning the Arthur Tong Cup under false pretenses.
08:38That is ridiculous, that, Kev.
08:40Why would I want to do a thing like that?
08:42Because it was about to be won by your son.
08:44You resent him for having a university degree.
08:46You feel inferior. Suddenly you saw your opportunity and you seized it.
08:49But it's ludicrous, it is that, Kev.
08:51I mean, it's ludicrous.
08:52I mean, I was the one that encouraged Elvis to join the angling club.
08:55I mean, I am the premier maker of toasting forks and door knockers in Yorkshire.
09:00I mean, these are just an unemployed waiter.
09:02Come on, Kev, you're a port butcher, not a ruddy psychiatrist.
09:06I saw you take them fish.
09:10What do you want?
09:11£849 plus VAT.
09:13You what?
09:14£849 plus VAT.
09:16It's the estimate for me roof.
09:19What if I refuse to pay?
09:21I denounce you before the next committee meeting.
09:24And I tell that mistress of yours what an hero she's hixed her wagon to.
09:28Oh, heck.
09:32I wish you wouldn't leave me on my own.
09:35Oh, please, just talk to people, you know, mingle.
09:37Where have you been?
09:38Um, I've been, er, I've been chatting to Kevin Loudwater.
09:42Kevin, Kevin Loudwater.
09:43He's, er, you know, he's a bit upset.
09:45About?
09:46Hmm?
09:47Um, about us having fish and chips tonight.
09:49You know, he wanted meat.
09:50Well, he would do, wouldn't he? I mean, he's a port butcher.
09:52See?
09:54Oh, my God.
10:00Are you the entertainer?
10:01What?
10:02Oh, no, no, no, no.
10:03I'm Neville Badger, of Badger, Badger Fox and Badger the Solicitor.
10:07I'm an old friend of Mr Simcox's, his, um, oh, dear, of Liz.
10:13Only they said they'd be here for our thanks, and it's nearly 9.15.
10:16All right, Pete, I'll handle this. Excuse me.
10:19Neville?
10:20I'm sorry about the garb, but you were kind enough to say if I could drop in, I'd be very welcome.
10:26Oh, yes, yes, of course. I'm, I'm, no, no, I'm glad, but why?
10:30I was invited to a fancy dress party and I couldn't find it.
10:33Oh, I see. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
10:36Neville?
10:37Yes, he was invited to a fancy dress party. Couldn't find it.
10:40Ah!
10:43Sorry.
10:44Sorry.
10:45Oh, I really think that is the saddest thing I've ever heard.
10:49I'm Henry VIII.
10:50Are you? Are you really?
10:52Jane would have wanted me to go. She loved fancy dress. I worked it out once.
10:57In 22 years of marriage, we wore fancy dress 33 times.
11:01I hope you don't mind. I knew if I went home to change, I'd lose impetus.
11:05I wouldn't find the courage to come, and I certainly haven't the courage to stay at home on my own.
11:10I dread this Christmas.
11:12You're welcome to spend Christmas with us, you know. Isn't he, Ted?
11:16Yes, yes, of course.
11:18Oh, thank you, thank you. We'll see.
11:21Phone call, Ted. Something about an accident.
11:24Oh, Eric, if that's the entertainment, we're so...
11:28Oh, Lester, could Mavis rustle up a salad? We've got a vegetarian in our midst.
11:32Vegetarian in the Angling Club? Contradiction in terms.
11:41I saw Lawrence on Tuesday.
11:43Oh?
11:46Aren't you going to ask me how he is?
11:47No.
11:49I shock you.
11:50Yes.
11:51Neville, I can assure you I wouldn't have left Lawrence if I still had any shred of feeling for him.
11:56I know, but...
11:57I ought to worry about what I've done to him.
12:00Although it was at least as much what he's done to me.
12:04All right.
12:05If my scorn for the social niceties appalls you, how does he seem?
12:08He seems to be bearing up reasonably well.
12:10Oh, he's bearing up reasonably well, is he?
12:13Oh, no, no, I'm glad.
12:16Of course I am.
12:18Thanks.
12:21Come on, Neville.
12:23You must meet Arthur Pilbeam and his ferreted spigotless rod.
12:31Dad.
12:32Hmm?
12:33All right, a bloody crotchlet.
12:36What does he expect me to do, drive down to Hemelhamstead this time of night?
12:39I saw her mum on Tuesday.
12:40Oh, good.
12:41A lorry has shed a load of our stuff.
12:43Fire dogs and toasting folks all over the M1.
12:45Punches ad infinitum.
12:47I thought you ought to be informed, Mr Simcock thought I'd be informed.
12:51Thought you ought to ruin my evening.
12:53I bet he got the phone number off Rita.
12:55The miserable little southern runt.
12:58What did you say?
12:59I saw her mum on Tuesday.
13:01Oh.
13:02Well, how is she, Paul?
13:04I think the new pills are doing her some good.
13:06Good, good, I'm glad, I'm glad.
13:08You're a good lad, I mean that, I mean that.
13:10Dad.
13:11Look, Paul, it's over.
13:13I'm sorry, but it is.
13:15Don't think I would have hurt you like this if it wasn't, do you?
13:17No.
13:18Look, you're a good lad.
13:19I'm not thinking of me, Dad, it's her.
13:21I know, I know.
13:24But, I mean, it's...
13:25It's over, I mean.
13:27It is.
13:31Oh, where's that entertainment?
13:33I'm going to phone up that Dave Wilcox and I'm going to blast him from Christmas the next Thursday.
13:37Dad.
13:38Look, Paul, I'm club chairman.
13:40Sometimes one's personal feelings clash with the burdens of office.
13:44I'm sorry, but that's what it's like in public life.
13:47Oh, heck, it can't be.
13:54Lawrence.
13:55You invited me at the dinner dance, don't you remember?
14:04Finally, I've come to the Arthur Tong Cop.
14:08This was presented by the late Arthur Tong.
14:11Before he was late, of course.
14:13And it is to be donated to the winner of the autumn competition,
14:19which, as you know, was held this year at Whiz Beach.
14:23And I'm delighted, I'm glad to be able to tell you that, alas, we do have a winner with us tonight.
14:30And it's me.
14:32It's Ted Titten.
14:39Well, thank you very much.
14:41That brings us to the end of the trophies.
14:43I'd just like to say thank you very much.
14:54Your new man cuts quite a dash in public, Liz.
14:57A man of many talents, our door-knocker tycoon.
15:00You must be very proud of him.
15:02Hello. That's a very good Henry VIII, Uncle Neville.
15:05Thank you, Jenny.
15:07We wondered if we could have a word.
15:10Of course. Absolutely.
15:16Sorry, I was a bit slow there.
15:18It's the syphilis, I expect. It rots the brain.
15:22I was being Henry VIII.
15:25Sorry.
15:27Poor Neville, he's trying to be Johnny.
15:37Look, we feel, well, I mean, as newlyweds,
15:42we feel, don't we, Paul?
15:45Yeah, we do.
15:47We feel, don't we, Paul?
15:50Yeah, we do.
15:53Jenny and I feel that in this cynical, materialistic age,
15:58people give up far too quickly.
16:00I mean, if a marriage is broken down irrevocably,
16:04then fair enough, but...
16:06But people shouldn't give up before they've...
16:10Explored every... Avenue.
16:12Believe me, we have explored both sides of every avenue
16:15in both directions several times.
16:17Can we change the subject now?
16:22Fish and chips look nice.
16:25You know, I think this is the first time I've ever actually had fish and chips.
16:29Your snobbery is so boring, Lawrence.
16:31My snobbery?
16:33Who was it when I offered the Simcox Buck's Fizz,
16:35said you weren't certain if we had any orange juice?
16:37The point being, it was assumed we had champagne.
16:40I understood it, Jenny.
16:42I might be as common as muck, but I happen to know what a Buck's Fizz is.
16:45Paul, I wasn't meaning... I wouldn't.
16:49I hate snobbery as much as you.
16:51It's of no importance to me that you're lower class than I am.
16:54Oh, Christ, thank you.
16:56Well, you are. I mean, that's not snobbery.
16:58It's a fact. Snobbery's not caring about the fact.
17:00Snobbery doesn't exist.
17:02Betty?
17:04She says she's going to sue you.
17:06That'll be fun for you.
17:09Ah, Ted, well done.
17:11You must feel very...
17:13Yes. Yes, I do.
17:15Yeah.
17:16Seeing you up there, smiling,
17:18shyly acknowledging the storms of applause,
17:20it suddenly occurred to me
17:22you still haven't been for your final scaling and cleaning.
17:26I don't think I will be coming any more, Lawrence.
17:28That's rather an extreme course, isn't it?
17:31Surely we're sophisticated enough
17:33to separate our professional lives from our private ones.
17:36Maybe your reputation's crumbling, Lawrence.
17:39Maybe the saga of Betty's bridge will destroy you.
17:43Maybe they'll film it.
17:45The dentist's downfall, or, um...
17:48Bridge too far?
17:50Please.
17:52Or maybe Ted doesn't trust you not to go berserk
17:54when you've got him there, helpless, with his mouth open.
17:57He knows what a passion of nature you have.
18:03Ouch.
18:04Ouch?
18:05Absolutely.
18:08I'm sorry.
18:09Sorry, Lawrence, I didn't want to have to hurt you any more than...
18:12You have already.
18:17Exactly.
18:20Sorry.
18:29Elvis, Elvis.
18:32Look, I...
18:34I know you don't like what's happened between Liz and me.
18:37I mean, you know, I understand, I do, really.
18:40But...
18:41But what?
18:43It's happened.
18:45Come on, try to accept it.
18:48Elvis, son.
18:51You enjoy having a little baby brother looking up to you, don't you?
18:55What?
18:58Oh, my God.
19:00Elvis, you're still my son. I'm still your father.
19:05I know.
19:08Well, congratulations, Dad.
19:11Thanks.
19:12Of course, it could be a little baby sister.
19:15I meant on winning the Arthur Tong Cup.
19:24How would you like to work in the frozen chicken industry, Elvis?
19:28Well, it's never exactly been my burning ambition.
19:30You're right.
19:31If we can't employ fellas like you, the men with brains,
19:34we're expanding next year, I hope.
19:36Think about it.
19:38What as, Uncle Rodney?
19:40Well, on the management side, I wouldn't expect a philosopher to shovel bird shit.
19:43Think about it.
19:44No hurry.
19:45If you...
19:46Well, you know,
19:47I can give my Miss Wayne's cut a tinkle.
19:50Oh, thanks very much, Uncle Rodney.
19:52I will.
19:53I will think about it and...
19:55If I, you know...
19:56I will give your Miss Wayne's cut a tinkle.
19:58Good, good.
19:59Now, I must go and make sure the old girl doesn't drink too much, bless her.
20:03I'm finding it very difficult to make myself understood.
20:07I beg your pardon?
20:09I said, I'm finding it very difficult to make myself understood.
20:15Nonsense. You're as plain as a pike, Staff.
20:18Your speech, I mean, of course, not your...
20:22Dear, I found it very difficult discussing business with you dressed like that.
20:27Business?
20:28Well, yes.
20:29I'm suing Lawrence for defamation of appearance.
20:32I want you to represent me.
20:34Oh, dear.
20:35I don't know, Betty.
20:36Lawrence is an old friend.
20:38I see.
20:39Old pals stick together, huh?
20:41Friendship is more important than justice.
20:45Oh, excuse me.
20:46I must go and make sure the old fool didn't drink too much, bless him.
20:50Liz, try and join in.
20:53You'll enjoy it more if you try.
20:55I'd enjoy it more if you didn't keep trying to make me enjoy it more.
20:58All I'm asking you to do is to come and talk to Lester the landlord.
21:01He's closed his lounge bar for us tonight.
21:04Come on, you'll like him. He's a barrel of laughs.
21:06He is, look.
21:07Is he?
21:08How awful.
21:09Lester, Lester.
21:10Tell Liz about the time you went to Paris to see the rugby and you all ended up in clique.
21:14Inland revenue, fair enough.
21:16Give and take, swings and roundabouts.
21:18We understand each other.
21:19That man? No chance.
21:21He's got you by the short and curly.
21:23Anyway, there's you and that Archie Wayne, right?
21:25The three French polishers from Sunderland.
21:27Anyway, they finished up by polishing off 13 bottles of that French champagne.
21:32Those were the days, weren't they?
21:34Aye, and you know why?
21:35No, go on.
21:36There were no VAT in them days.
21:38Are you going to come and serve or do I have to do it all on me own, Lester Bridle?
21:44There you go, off you go.
21:46No, he's a character.
21:47No, he really is.
21:48Oh, God.
21:50Still clutching your proud trophy, I see.
21:52Oh, he worked hard for that.
21:54Kev.
21:55Oh, I saw him.
21:56I know what determination he showed.
21:58Kev.
21:59Could I introduce you, sir?
22:01Yes, Liz Rodenhurst, Kevin Loudwater.
22:04Hello, Kevin.
22:05My heck, Liz, you're a cracker, aren't you?
22:07Well, thank you very much.
22:10Sir, you were upset they chose fish and chips, I hear.
22:13You what?
22:15Yeah, you know, you being a pork butcher, you know, what we were talking about out there, you know.
22:19Oh, oh, right, right.
22:20Yeah, I don't reckon it's suitable for the Angling Club dinner, fish and chips, no.
22:23You must come and see us one day, Liz.
22:25It'll be right snug once we've got that roof repaired.
22:31I want to go home.
22:33Hmm?
22:34What do you mean, you don't want to go back with...
22:36How can you say that?
22:38No.
22:39I want to go and make love.
22:42Yeah, well, I mean...
22:44You know, so do I, madly.
22:47But...
22:48But what?
22:49I'm club chairman.
22:52Is your passion cooling, hmm?
22:54Is your ardour on the wane?
22:56No, no, of course it isn't.
22:58It's just that this do is the final responsibility of my term in office.
23:02I see.
23:03Well, I'm flattered you're so keen.
23:05I am keen, I am keen, I'm deliriously madly.
23:08But it's a well-known millstone is club chairman.
23:12Well, I thought your reception was distinctly lukewarm.
23:15I felt angry.
23:17Well, that's because they all knew Rita.
23:19They liked her, though she never believed they did.
23:21You talk about her as if she's dead.
23:25Well, she is for me.
23:28Will I be dead for you one day?
23:31Liz, love, of course you won't.
23:36How can...
23:37How can you say such a thing?
23:40You mean more than anything in the world to me.
23:44You are my world.
23:48Right, now go and talk to the Pilbeams.
23:50I'm going to put this in the car.
23:51Then I'm going to have to sort out the entertainment.
23:53Now, go on. Off you go.
23:55Maybe join you.
23:56Only Betty's embarrassed to show her teeth, bless her.
23:59And with you two, you'll understand she needn't talk.
24:02Of course.
24:04Betty tells me I may have been a little rude to you at the dentist's dinner dance, Jenny.
24:09Oh, well, a bit, perhaps.
24:12But I didn't mind.
24:13I was fascinated to find out how guilty you feel about the way you treat your chickens.
24:17Did I say that? I think I must have had a little too much.
24:20Have you thought seriously about umbrellas?
24:23Umbrellas?
24:24Well, you said you'd switch production to umbrellas.
24:27Oh, Lord, I was drunk.
24:28It's not a bad idea, though, is it?
24:30I can't say to Butcher, sorry, no chickens this week.
24:32How would you like some umbrellas?
24:33No, but in time you'd find new outlets.
24:36I don't know about umbrellas. I know about chickens.
24:38It's a booming industry in which British technology leads the world.
24:42Our product is cheap, standardised and almost totally tasteless.
24:46Other countries can't manage that.
24:49You asked me to help you set your chickens free.
24:52I couldn't.
24:53You chickened out.
24:56There's nothing funny in discovering what a coward you are.
25:00Oh, Lord, I always seem to end up making your wife cry.
25:03Don't worry. She cries a lot.
25:05Doesn't it worry you?
25:06The kind of world we live in, it'll worry me when she doesn't cry.
25:09Oh, shouldn't you joke to her?
25:11There are times when a woman needs to be left alone, Uncle Rodney.
25:19It must be tough on the dole, whatever some people say.
25:22Buy them large drinks without looking as if you're patronising them
25:25and get me one while you're at it.
25:30Excuse me.
25:32Ladies and gentlemen...
25:35Ladies and gentlemen, excuse me.
25:37I'm very sorry to be able to tell you that, unfortunately,
25:41we've been very badly let down by the entertainment.
25:45Yes. Well, so what, eh? Never mind, eh?
25:48Let's try and prove to our visitors
25:51that we've got some unsuspected talent in our midst, eh?
25:55We'll make us all entertainment.
25:58So I'm very, very glad to be able to tell you
26:01that very shortly, Norman Penfold will perform upon his instrument.
26:08Now, come on.
26:10Hold on. Is that the spirit, eh?
26:13I mean, it isn't. I mean, is it? Is it the spirit?
26:16No. No, no, no.
26:18So come on. I'd like to hear a nice big warm round of applause, please,
26:22I'd like to hear a nice big warm round of applause, please,
26:25for Norman Penfold and his squeeze box.
26:28Thank you.
26:32Thank you very much, Norman.
26:34Anyway, so, anyway, look, to set the ball rolling,
26:37I'm going to start things off myself.
26:39So after me, you'll all sound pretty good, eh?
26:42Right, so I'm going to do a witty little ditty
26:45from the days of the musical entitled The Tuner's Opportunity.
26:49Sorry, thank you very much, Norman.
26:57Miss Crotty Quaver was sweet 17
27:00And a player of exceptional skill
27:03She played all the day, all the evening as well
27:07Making all of the neighbourhood ill
27:10And to keep her piano in tune
27:12She would have a good tuner constantly there
27:16He'd pull off the instrument three times a week
27:19To keep it in proper repair
27:22First he'd tune it gently, then he'd tune it strong
27:26Then he'd touch a short note, then he'd run along
27:30Then he'd go on a vengeance enough to break the key
27:34Cos he'd always tune whene'er he got the opportunity
27:38First he'd tune it gently, then he'd tune it strong
27:41Then he'd touch a short note, then he'd run along
27:45Then he'd go on a vengeance enough to break the key
27:49Cos he'd always tune whene'er he got the opportunity
27:58Rita?
28:05Liz, Liz, where have you been?
28:06Your car, I couldn't get in.
28:08Look, Liz, it were only a...
28:12Liz, it were only a bit of fun.
28:14I hate it to see you making such an exhibition of yourself.
28:16Look, it doesn't matter with these people. These people are my people.
28:19Nonsense. You're managing director of your own farm.
28:21Yes, I know that, but I haven't forgotten my roots.
28:23Asparagus has roots. One keeps them well hidden.
28:25Look, Liz, asparagus is asparagus. People are people.
28:28When you're finished with asparagus, you chuck it out, but we don't treat people like that.
28:31Don't we?
28:32Exactly, but we shouldn't do.
28:33So, look, come back in. Come back.
28:35Come and show that you like them, show that you care about them.
28:37I don't like them. I don't care about them.
28:39These people are the salt of the earth.
28:40Were they the salt of the earth at Whiz Beach?
28:42Look, I'm not saying that these people are any better than anyone else.
28:44I'm just saying that they're no worse.
28:49Look, I'm club chairman. I've got to go back.
28:54Come with me, please.
28:56What's the point?
28:57Rita's turned up.
29:00Well, why didn't you say so?
29:03Don't bother me.
29:20Oh, dear.
29:21I like a bit of music.
29:23So do I.
29:25With respect, Rita, I'm astounded you found the courage to come.
29:29So am I.
29:30You don't know what you can do till you try, do you?
29:33Talk as if we're being intimate.
29:35Pardon?
29:36For effect. To worry them. Say something intimate.
29:41I've gone blank.
29:43Well, pay me compliments so you find me very attractive or something.
29:48I'm sorry, I can't.
29:50I see.
29:51Well, just choose my best features and compliment me on them.
29:56I'm sorry, it's no good.
29:58I see.
29:59I'm sorry.
30:00Oh, it doesn't matter.
30:01It was just to say something.
30:03It doesn't matter if it's utter nonsense.
30:05Just make it look intimate.
30:07Well, I'm not very good at nonsense.
30:09Well, anything.
30:11Tell limericks.
30:12Limericks?
30:13Why not?
30:18A certain young gourmet of Crediton
30:21took some pate de foie gras and spread it on a chocolate biscuit
30:25and murmured, I'll risk it,
30:27his tomb bears the date that he set it on.
30:31I wonder what they're talking about.
30:33You aren't interested, are you?
30:35You aren't worried.
30:36No, I'm not remotely interested. I'm not remotely worried.
30:39I'm just mildly intrigued.
30:41That's all that, you know, that rather intimate.
30:43There was a young lady from Spain
30:46who was dreadfully sick in a train.
30:50Not now and again,
30:53but now and again and again and again and again.
30:59They're not going to start up as well, are they?
31:03Well, I suppose it would sort of solve the problem.
31:05No, but I don't think I could cope.
31:07It could scar me permanently.
31:10There once was a pious young priest
31:13who lived almost wholly on yeast,
31:15for he said, it is flame we must all rise again,
31:19and I want to get started at yeast.
31:26There was a young lady from Spain
31:28Again?
31:29who was dreadfully sick in a train.
31:32Not now and again,
31:34but now and again and again and again and again.
31:39It's the only one I know.
31:42Laughing.
31:43Ted!
31:44I don't care.
31:46Just astounded.
31:48It's all for appearance.
31:50It must be in Florence, isn't it?
31:53If you feel like coming over at all over Christmas,
31:56don't hesitate. I'll be there.
31:59Well, I may...
32:01Yes, thank you very much.
32:05It's going to be a funny old Christmas.
32:07Yes, it is.
32:10Have you heard of them yet?
32:12Who?
32:13Your mum and my dad.
32:15For Christmas dinner.
32:17Well, you said you would.
32:19I'm beginning to wonder if we should.
32:21I mean, your mum and my dad, fair enough.
32:24Well, I don't mean fair enough,
32:26I mean absolutely dreadful and shocking
32:28and all too typical of parents today,
32:30but I can understand.
32:33But my mum and your dad,
32:35their mind boggles.
32:37I mean, if they went for a lie-down full of turkey
32:40and I heard them tipper-toeing to each other's rooms,
32:42I think I might have a nervous breakdown.
32:45They wouldn't be full of turkey.
32:47They're full of nut cutlets.
32:49Well, this is it, Jenny. What would we give them?
32:51It's not just the turkey, it's the trimmings.
32:53My mum says trimmings make a Christmas dinner.
32:55You can't have bread sauce and cranberry sauce
32:58and two kinds of stuffing. We're not cutlets.
33:02You miss your Christmas dinner.
33:04Of course not.
33:07You're what matters to me, not turkey.
33:10Thank you.
33:17Come on, put it on.
33:19Thank you. Thank you very much.
33:21Great. Now, who's going to entertain us next?
33:25I will.
33:27Rita?
33:29Rita?
33:38Ladies and gentlemen,
33:40my...
33:43Rita Shimcock. Thank you.
33:50We live in troubled times.
33:52I sometimes wonder whether mankind hasn't gone stark staring mad.
33:56Womankind has, on the whole, done rather better.
33:59But there's no room for complacency there, either.
34:02People seem to have abandoned moral standards
34:05to gratify their greed for pleasure.
34:07It's the pills, it must be.
34:09So, although I know this is an angling club party,
34:12I want you all to remember that it's also a Christmas party.
34:16Therefore, I should like to sing a couple of verses
34:19of Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, unaccompanied.
34:22Thank you very much, Norman.
34:24You may all join in the chorus.
34:26And I don't want any funny words, either.
34:32Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
34:37Glory to the new-born King
34:42Peace on earth and mercy mild
34:48God and sinners reconciled
34:53Joyful, all ye nations, rise
34:59Join the triumph of the skies
35:04With the angelic host proclaim
35:09Christ is born in Bethlehem
35:15Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
35:21Glory to the new-born King
35:28Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace
35:34Hail the Son of Righteousness
35:40Light and life to all He brings
35:46Risen with healing in His wings
35:51Mild He lays His glory by
35:57Born that man no more may die
36:02Born to raise the sons of earth
36:08Born to give them second birth
36:14Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
36:20Glory to the new-born King
36:38Well, well, well.
36:40Can the King of the Coalscuttles be scuttling back to Whitefield, you think?
36:47Rita.
36:48Shouldn't you be with her?
36:50Yes.
36:52I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for what's happened.
36:56What brought this on?
36:58You sang well. I was amazed.
37:01Thank you.
37:02No, not that you sang well, that you sang. I mean...
37:05I mean, you know, in public, I mean, it's very unlike you.
37:09Oh, but who am I?
37:12I saw that Mrs...
37:14Whose husband used to work at that special school before he collapsed in Tesco's yesterday, Arrington.
37:19I heard her talking to her friends, whispering.
37:21Do you know who that used to be? That used to be Rita Simcock.
37:24Rita.
37:25Do you know, lately, you seem to think everything can be made all right by constantly repeating my name.
37:30It's not enough.
37:31I care about what happens to you.
37:33Why? In case I do something dreadful and it's in the papers?
37:36In case I do something dreadful and it's in the papers?
37:38Brings disgrace on you and rebounds on your precious foundry?
37:41No, Rita, love, it's very unfair.
37:44I care about you.
37:46That's why I've come out to say I'm sorry.
37:49Well, you've said it now.
37:51Twice.
37:57I didn't want all this to happen.
37:59Putty in her hands, are you?
38:01No.
38:02What?
38:05I mean, obviously I want to be with her, otherwise I wouldn't be.
38:11It's just that I don't positively not want to be with you.
38:16It's just that I just have to not be with you because I want to be with her.
38:24It's all love.
38:26Splitting hairs as well as family, isn't it?
38:29Sorry.
38:30Three times.
38:31Look, you were great in there. Fantastic. I was proud of you.
38:34Proud?
38:36What have you got to be proud about?
38:39You think I'm your creation or something? Really?
38:42Rita, Rita!
38:44Don't spoil it all by running away.
38:49Look, I've got to go back.
38:52Come back in.
38:54Otherwise it'll look like a victory for her.
39:02Taste a bit.
39:08They have been a long time.
39:10What?
39:11You are wondering if under the influence of song they're being reunited with each other and their God.
39:16I'm not.
39:18Ted wouldn't.
39:19He couldn't.
39:21It's inconceivable.
39:22I think the lady does protest too much.
39:32Come back.
39:43You were marvelous.
39:45Not bad, Mum.
39:46I saw you. Hiding your head in your hands until you realised you didn't need to.
39:51Yeah, well, excuse me.
39:53Please, don't let me keep you from her.
39:55Rita.
39:56Dad.
39:57Sorry.
39:58Oh, for God's sake, stop saying that.
40:00I'm sorry.
40:01Oh, heck.
40:05I'm sorry.
40:12Sorry.
40:13Never mind.
40:14Couldn't not speak to her, could I? I mean, I couldn't be that callous, could I?
40:17I'll leave you alone.
40:18Lawrence, please don't feel you have to go.
40:20No, I don't.
40:21I want to go, believe me.
40:27I love you.
40:28I do.
40:29Utterly.
40:30You're not going, are you? There's an extension.
40:33You care more about them than about me.
40:35No, no, no, I don't, love.
40:38It's just that I said I would be chairman for a year.
40:40Not until such time as I wanted to go home and have it off with my love.
40:44I mean, be fair.
40:45I'm committed, morally.
40:46Ted, can I have a word?
40:48Kev, can't you see that I'm in the middle of a very important private conversation?
40:51Yeah, all right, yes.
40:52Sorry.
40:53Sorry.
40:59All right, make this brief, will you, Kev?
41:01Right. It's just that I'm having that work started straight away.
41:04Your deadline for pay...
41:06This is getting ridiculous.
41:08I'm going to have to have that prostate done.
41:11Yeah.
41:13Your deadline for pay means Friday fortnight.
41:15£849 plus VAT.
41:21Oh, to hell with it.
41:24Being a king suits you.
41:26Oh, thank you very much.
41:28You look good as George VI.
41:30Oh, thank you very much.
41:32If you'd like to come over at all over Christmas, Neville...
41:35Oh, thank you very much. I'd have loved to, but thank you, no.
41:38You can't make the world into a shrine for her, you know, Neville.
41:41Why don't you mind your own business?
41:47Oh.
41:48I must say, Rita, it wasn't exactly tactful, was it?
41:51That's why I came.
41:53How nasty.
41:55I'd hardly describe it as nice to steal my husband and have his baby.
41:59I wouldn't exactly describe taking things that turn up on one's doorstep as stealing.
42:05I feel that events have forced us to become enemies.
42:08What a pity we couldn't have got to know each other better under happier circumstances.
42:12Then we could have been enemies of our own free will.
42:16Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
42:19I've got to announce a change in the winner of the Arthur Tong Cup.
42:24This is no longer me.
42:26I also resign as of now my chairmanship of the club...
42:30as I have besmirched this high office.
42:33I am no longer the king.
42:35I am no longer the king.
42:37I am no longer the king.
42:39I am no longer the king.
42:41...of the club as I have besmirched this high office.
42:46During the fracas at Whiz Beach,
42:49I took two roach and a bream from Trevor Barnwell's kick-net.
42:54So the new winner is in fact my son Elvis,
42:58and a very well-deserved winner he is too.
43:00So I'd like a big hand, please, for Elvis Simcock.
43:04Thank you very much.
43:08Oh, come on, Elvis. Elvis.
43:10Come on, now. Come on.
43:16There you are. Well done. Well done.
43:22Come on, Norman. Play something for God's sake.
43:25Come on. I'm taking you home.
43:27No, Lawrence. I shall stand by him.
43:30Not you, dear. I was talking to Rita.
43:34Well, that's... that's that, then.
43:37Good night, everybody!
43:40Happy Christmas! Happy New Year!
43:43Happy... what is it these people do?
43:45Angling. Sorry about this.
43:47Yes, that's right.
43:49Bloody boring occupation, it's always seemed to me.
43:51Come on, my love. It's shut-eye time.
43:53Sitting for hours, watching a worm wriggling about on a hook.
43:57It's ridiculous.
43:59I've had more fun watching pimples grow.
44:03It's a lovely party, everybody.
44:05Apart from the food and all that singing
44:09and that burp going on about V.A.T. all the time.
44:12She's forgotten all about her teeth.
44:14Oh, Lord. Oh, my God.
44:16They've seen.
44:18It doesn't notice. Not really.
44:20Probably it's thoroughly incompetent dental work,
44:22but it doesn't notice.
44:24Come on.
44:26Come on, Rita.
44:28We're not going. There's an extension.
44:30Oh, shut up about your blasted extension.
44:32You're beautiful when you're angry.
44:34Never. That is so corny.
44:36Ah, but I'm Henry VIII.
44:38It was original in my day.
44:40Are you fit to drive, Neville? I'm exposing your stars.
44:43Why should I be?
44:45In that costume.
44:47Oh, Lord.
44:49What day is it?
44:51Thank you both.
44:53I'm sorry I was rude again, Rita.
44:55It's natural.
44:57You resent all the women because they aren't Jane.
44:59Do I? Oh, Lord.
45:01Good night, Neville.
45:05Oh, Lord.
45:09It's been a fiasco.
45:11I mean it has.
45:13Total fiasco.
45:15Not total.
45:17He made a brave speech.
45:21Oh, ladies.
45:23Oh, heck.
45:25Right, I'm... I'm off.
45:27Oh, God. Night, Dad.
45:29Excuse me a moment. LVL. It's LVS.
45:31Hey, nuts.
45:33Twenty-seven minutes of excitement.
45:35Hey, nuts.
45:37Twenty-seven minutes of extension unexpired.
45:39Yeah, I'm going down the plough.
45:41Can drink like that without an extension.
45:43LVS.
45:47I can't cope with all this, Dad.
45:50I don't know whether I admire or despise you.
45:54I don't know whether I love you or hate you.
45:58That's, what, three years of philosophy I've taught you, is it?
46:01Yeah.
46:05Night, Dad. LVS.
46:09Say goodnight to Liz.
46:12Please.
46:16Goodnight, Liz.
46:23I'm sorry about that.
46:25Family's here, who'd have them?
46:27Oh, God.
46:29I suppose you think you've won, don't you?
46:31I've lost, haven't you, Rudd?
46:33I'll get me roof repaired now, eh?
46:35You deserve a vegetarian daughter-in-law.
46:39What do you mean about his roof?
46:43What's been going on, Ted?
46:46I wasn't brave.
46:48I only admitted what I'd done because Kevin saw it and he blackmailed me.
46:53Well, I still think you spoke bravely.
46:56Why did you do it?
46:58I don't know.
47:00Why do people do stupid things?
47:03I suppose I've never won anything and...
47:07I saw my chance and...
47:10Simple as that.
47:12Let's go home.
47:14It's 23 minutes of extension unexpired.
47:18The failure of the evening is no longer your responsibility. You've resigned.
47:22I know, love, but I could do with a drink.
47:24I mean, I could, after that ordeal, which it was.
47:29Lester, can we have the same again?
47:31Hey, Norman.
47:33Give us a tune.
47:49That's nice.
48:02Thanks for sticking by me.
48:05A lot of people are going to have to eat their words.
48:07What do you mean?
48:09Well, you were shallow and self-centred and only out for what you can get.
48:15I know they're wrong.
48:17When we get home, I'm going to take all your clothes off.
48:22Very, very slowly.
48:28Very.
48:30Slowly.
48:32Me too.
48:34Yours, I mean.
48:38Oh, please.
48:43Look at him. I don't know how he does it.
48:46What?
48:47Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
48:51And he's been paying VAT for years.
48:58I don't know how he does it.
49:00What?
49:02Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:04And he's been paying VAT for years.
49:06What?
49:08Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:10And he's been paying VAT for years.
49:12What?
49:14Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:16What?
49:18Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:20What?
49:22Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:24What?
49:26Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:28What?
49:30Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:32What?
49:34Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:36What?
49:38Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:40What?
49:42Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:44What?
49:46Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:48What?
49:50Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:52What?
49:54Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
49:56What?
49:58Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
50:00What?
50:02Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
50:04What?
50:06Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
50:08What?
50:10Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
50:12What?
50:14Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
50:16What?
50:18Dancing, as if he hasn't got a care in the world.
50:20What?