A Bit of a Do S01E02 The Dentist's Dinner Dance (1989)
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00:00I'd love to, Annie, but I can't.
00:14No, we've got a bit of a do on.
00:18Dentist dinner dance.
00:21Well, Paul's wife's father's invited us.
00:26We don't want to go.
00:28They don't want us to go.
00:30I mean, isn't there enough misery in the world without people feeling they've got to be sociable?
00:34Yeah.
00:36A bit of a do.
00:43A bit of a do.
00:47Smiling faces in public places.
00:51Getting to know the in-laws much better than expected.
00:55A bit of a do.
00:57Invited to a bit of a do.
01:02It's a small town, posh, nosh affair.
01:06Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing it too.
01:14Others who are seeing through you.
01:17A bit of a do.
01:21All tickety-boo.
01:25A bride's dimension attracts attention.
01:29A scruffy young groom who defies convention.
01:33A bit of a do.
01:34Bit of a do.
01:37Invited to a bit of a do.
01:41Do-do-do.
01:52In Peru, they drink a thing called Pisco Sour.
01:55Lawrence, don't bore Larry to death over Peru.
01:58He hasn't paid you for his gold bridge yet.
02:02Your wife is stunning.
02:04Yes.
02:05Its base is the local brandy.
02:07She must have been a sensation in Peru.
02:09Yes.
02:10Mixed with lemon juice and beaten white of egg.
02:13Surprisingly enough, it tastes quite good.
02:17Paul's parents are in evening dress.
02:22Ted, Rita.
02:24Lovely to see you.
02:27Larry Benson, Ted, and Rita Simcock.
02:29How do you do?
02:30We're linked by wedlock.
02:32Jenny married their Paul in July.
02:33I'm sorry, Lawrence.
02:34Ted said it was evening dress.
02:36Yes, no, I'm sorry.
02:37I thought it was.
02:38Never mind.
02:38You look terribly distinguished.
02:40What will you have?
02:40Whiskey, I'll just have whiskey.
02:42A weak gin and tonic, please.
02:46What did his wife see in him?
02:48She could have had anybody.
02:49She's an amazingly lovely woman.
02:52Oh, is she?
02:52I can't see the...
02:55Yes, yes, I suppose, I suppose she...
02:58Are you a dentist, are you, Barry?
03:01Larry.
03:02No, I'm in kitchens.
03:04Oh, so am I most of the time.
03:06That's probably why I'm not amazingly lovely.
03:10Are you a dentist, Fred?
03:12Ted, Ted, no, no, no, no.
03:14I own a little forge type, foundry type of effort we make.
03:17We make fire irons, you know, door knockers, toasting forks.
03:20I expect you've heard of us, the Jupiter Foundry.
03:23No.
03:24Well, excuse I must go and rescue my lady wife.
03:30Rita.
03:31I want to go home.
03:32Rita.
03:33Is this some kind of memory training like the Americans?
03:35You keep repeating my name for fear one day you'll forget it.
03:37Rita.
03:38Well, you've no interest in me.
03:41That's rubbish, that's absolute, absolute rubbish.
03:44That gave you the idea it was evening dress.
03:46I feel awful.
03:47Rita, love, will you just brazen it out?
03:49Now, come on, show a bit of style.
03:51I haven't got any style.
03:52I don't like style.
03:55I don't trust style.
03:57Not having any style is my style.
04:00Here we are, here we are.
04:01Right, right, thanks.
04:04Cheers.
04:04Cheers.
04:08Ah.
04:10How's business, Ted?
04:12Absolutely, absolutely.
04:13You?
04:14Ah.
04:15Oh, no, no, things are on the move again.
04:17Yes, I'm pinning great hopes on our new novelty boot scrapers
04:20with the faces of famous prime ministers.
04:23My word, that sounds...
04:26that is...
04:28new.
04:29I've got them in the car if you'd like to see them.
04:31Well, I'd love to, but I don't want to put you to any trouble.
04:33No trouble, no trouble.
04:34I'd love to see what you think, actually.
04:36Hold on that, that won't be a minute.
04:42How is the south of France?
04:43Very nice, considering.
04:45Well, it had rained the one day,
04:47but we came out in this terrible prickly heat.
04:50Oh, dear.
04:50Where?
04:51Well, it was in rather an awkward place.
04:56I meant in what town?
04:57Oh, Avignon.
04:59Had to give the bridge a miss.
05:03In Peru, the weather is usually very predictable.
05:06It's dry in the dry season and wet in the wet season.
05:09Well, I suppose it would be.
05:10Yes, but funnily enough, when we were there,
05:12it wasn't at all.
05:13It had all gone topsy-turvy.
05:15It's all these satellites.
05:20This time last year, she could have danced till dawn.
05:24I'm sorry.
05:24Oh, Novel.
05:26Embarrassing, isn't it?
05:27The man keeps breaking down in public
05:29just because his wife's died.
05:30And him, one of the town's leading solicitors.
05:33It's funny how you can never tell the ones with no moral fibre.
05:35Don't be absurd.
05:39Dear Novel.
05:40Excuse me.
05:41Other people's tragedies seem so desperately boring, don't they?
05:44What?
05:46Oh, Novel, no, you could never bore me.
05:48No.
05:49No, I was just intrigued to know what Ted's showing my husband.
05:54There you are.
05:55Clement Attlee.
05:57Amazing.
05:58Yeah, well, you've got to have them these days, haven't you?
05:59Gimmicks.
06:00I mean, who could resist scraping his boots
06:02on the man who nationalised the railways?
06:05What have we got here?
06:07That's Winston Churchill.
06:11Yeah, well, he has to be bipartisan, you know his business.
06:14I suppose so, yeah.
06:15Do you have one of the present incumbents?
06:17No, no, I tried, but the mould cracked.
06:19Dad!
06:21Dad, they won't let Paul in without a tie.
06:23Oh, the silly boy.
06:25Do you know how many wars there have been in the world
06:28since the Second World War?
06:30Pardon?
06:31I'll tell you.
06:32Lots.
06:34Well, in the context of all that misery,
06:36does it matter whether Paul wears a tie?
06:38Of course not.
06:39So why is he making such a fuss?
06:41He isn't.
06:42Society is.
06:44I mean, what difference does a tie make
06:45to his worth as a human being?
06:47Well, none at all,
06:48but it makes a hell of a difference
06:49to whether he gets any dinner or not.
06:51You all enjoy laughing at us, don't you?
06:53Well, maybe we are naive,
06:55but it's better than dying of terminal smugness.
06:58I have a dental association tie in the car, Jenny,
07:01if he's no rooted objection to maroon.
07:03Oh, the nastier the better.
07:04He won't care if he's got four cross molars
07:06and a ruptured abscess.
07:08Why did you have to show him your boot scrapers?
07:11Because, Rita, love,
07:12there is no room for shrinking violets in business.
07:14This isn't business, Ted.
07:15This is social life.
07:17All right, Rita, I know.
07:18I'll put them back in the car.
07:19Oh, no, don't leave me on my own again, Ted.
07:21Rita, for God's sake, love,
07:23will you circulate?
07:24Will you mingle?
07:25Try to cement our social credibility.
07:28Go on.
07:32Liz, will you please stop winging and blowing kisses?
07:35She'll see.
07:36I must see you outside.
07:46Liz, we were dead lucky getting away with it,
07:48the wedding reception.
07:50Aren't our Tuesdays enough for you, eh?
07:52No, actually, they aren't.
07:55Does it turn you on doing it in the middle of dues, eh?
07:58It's probably got a medical name, you know,
08:00function mania.
08:02Due-itis.
08:03All right, we can do it in here if we're careful.
08:05Liz!
08:06Talk!
08:07I'm talking about talking.
08:08I have something to tell you.
08:09She's watching.
08:10She's watching, watching.
08:11Would it be unnatural if we never talked?
08:13Just make sure you take it calmly, that's all.
08:15Well, relax, Ted.
08:17Pretend to show me those things you were showing Laura.
08:22Oh, heck.
08:26Take what calmly?
08:27What on earth is that?
08:29Don't bother about it.
08:30I wasn't pretending to show you them.
08:31It's not the sort of thing you can ignore.
08:33Really?
08:34Well, if that's a Harbinger of the trades reaction,
08:36it bodes well.
08:37Well, you see, they're boot scrapers
08:38with the faces of famous prime ministers.
08:40Oh, and that one, that one is, um...
08:42It's Neville Chamberlain.
08:45You're impressed, I can see.
08:47Ted, listen, it's...
08:48Shh, shh, shh.
08:50I'm doomed.
08:51Never did tell you.
08:57Hello, Mr Badger.
08:58Sorry?
08:59Hello, what?
09:00Hello.
09:01Ah, yes, absolutely.
09:03Hello.
09:04Would it help to talk to me about her?
09:07I mean, if you'd like to.
09:08Pardon?
09:09Your wife.
09:10You were thinking about her then, weren't you?
09:13Yes, I was.
09:14I was thinking of this same evening last year.
09:17She said,
09:18we've been happy, haven't we?
09:20I mean, it's true.
09:21I mean, we wanted children, we didn't have any, but...
09:23but we were happy.
09:25I was wondering,
09:26last year,
09:27did she have a premonition?
09:29Right, I'm sorry, I'm boring you.
09:31Oh, no, please, I don't mind.
09:34Oh, I mean, not that you are,
09:36but even if you were, I wouldn't mind.
09:39No,
09:40saves her from having to think of anything to say.
09:42Oh, I mean,
09:44not that that's the reason I enjoy listening to you talking about Jane.
09:47I'm very interested.
09:49Oh, I'm starving, I could eat a horse.
09:52Except I never could.
09:53Well, it's chicken tonight.
09:55Oh, I hope it's free range.
09:56I won't eat it at Disney.
09:58Good for you.
09:59You think you'll annoy me by not disagreeing with me, don't you?
10:02I just have.
10:04Oh,
10:05Ted, I think Rita's rather trapped with poor Neville.
10:08A rescue might be diplomatic.
10:10Every morning, I stretch out my hands to caress her...
10:15her.
10:16Every morning, it's a shock to find she isn't there.
10:19The mornings don't get any better, Rita.
10:21They will, Neville.
10:22Yes, but I don't think I want them to.
10:25That would seem like a betrayal.
10:27I'm sorry, I don't want to burden you with my grief.
10:30Oh, please don't.
10:32Oh, I don't mean burden me, it doesn't matter.
10:35No, I'm glad.
10:37No, I don't mean I'm glad about your grief.
10:40No, what I meant was,
10:41I'm glad to listen to the grief I wish you hadn't got,
10:44but since you have got it, I'm happy to listen to it.
10:47Well,
10:48not happy.
10:51Uh,
10:52Rita, look, could I have a word? Sorry, Neville.
10:54No, please.
10:57What is it?
10:58Nothing, I was just rescuing you.
11:01It's ten years since I've enjoyed a conversation with you
11:04as much as I was enjoying that one with Neville.
11:06Naughty.
11:07Hell.
11:09So, how are you feeling?
11:11Fine.
11:12Oh, it's going to be a girl, incidentally.
11:14You've had it tested.
11:16I didn't mean to.
11:18I know.
11:20Oh.
11:21You please?
11:22Oh, I don't mind.
11:24I think it's selfish of parents to saddle their children with burdens of expectation.
11:28Is that a dig at me,
11:30or mere disinterested, trendy, progressive Britishness?
11:35It's a dig at you.
11:37Well, you never left me in any doubt that you preferred Simon.
11:40Are you serious?
11:41Yes.
11:42I mean, I'm not resentful.
11:44Not now.
11:46Not really.
11:47Simon!
11:48Well, hello, Mother.
11:49Hello, Jenny.
11:50You look nice.
11:51Do you have to sound so surprised?
11:53Well, you're... you're my sister.
11:55I mean, not that I want gracious compliments anyway. They're so sexist.
11:57Simon, would you say that I favoured you as a child at Jenny's expense?
12:00Good Lord, no.
12:01You've always been absolutely fair.
12:07You see?
12:08What?
12:09Well, if Simon thinks you were fair, you must have been favouring him outrageously.
12:13Which isn't surprising, really.
12:15What do you mean by that?
12:17Well, you've always been a man's woman, haven't you?
12:22You little bitch.
12:24Oh, Mum, I didn't only mean...
12:26I only meant...
12:27Here.
12:33She does that a lot.
12:35Er, Paul, sometimes a woman needs to be alone.
12:39Not Jenny.
12:40Our marriage is a totality of shared experience.
12:44Brooke.
12:45Rodney and Betty Zillito.
12:48Lieutenant Reacher's friends.
12:50We met at the wedding.
12:52Yes, I do remember.
12:54What a pleasant surprise.
12:56Rodney's provided the chickens.
12:58Ah.
12:59Ah.
13:00Funnily enough, I was listening to local radio this morning.
13:03And I... for the news.
13:05Well, I don't listen to their, er...
13:07Well, I can't call it music.
13:09And I heard your advert for cock-a-doodle-chickens.
13:12Which chickens give the best value?
13:14Cock-a-doodle-doo.
13:17That was it.
13:18I suppose it must be a bit of a problem
13:20finding decent copywriters for local radio.
13:23I wrote that myself.
13:27I must go and check the seating arrangements.
13:33I'm sorry.
13:34No, it was natural.
13:35She overreacted a bit because she's pregnant.
13:38Don't worry about it.
13:39Oh, you're not going to forget to check the chickens at free range, are you?
13:42Bloody hell! Don't want me to die at first.
13:44Well, I didn't necessarily mean straight away.
13:48Oh, Grandad.
13:50How's Grandma? I'm coming to see her tomorrow.
13:53Doctor says she's satisfactory.
13:55Seems a strange sort of description to me.
13:58Dad!
13:59What are you doing here?
14:02Glad you're so pleased to see me.
14:04Mr Breesley invited me.
14:06He drinks in my pub.
14:08He's a dentist, but you wouldn't know to look at him.
14:10He invited you here? Why?
14:12Well, he seemed to think I might be lonely with your mother in general.
14:17And unlike some people, he seems to think I know how to behave in public.
14:21What do you mean, unlike some people?
14:23Nothing.
14:24Well, don't let him down and don't drink too much.
14:27I'll try not to fart too often and all.
14:35Sorry, they are free range.
14:37Oh, amazing.
14:38Well, I mean, I could have just had a bet, but...
14:40Hello!
14:41Hello, Paul. Hello, Jenny.
14:43Pregnancy suits him.
14:46Oh, well, the moment of truth approaches.
14:49It's the first time he's been to a do when they've been using his chickens.
14:52He's like a cat in a hot tin soup.
14:54I didn't know you did free range chickens.
14:57I don't.
15:01Paul, you lied to me!
15:02Jenny!
15:03Haven't you had a drink yet?
15:05Oh, I'm really beginning to learn about your priorities tonight.
15:08First, drink, and second, everything else!
15:14Jenny!
15:16Jenny!
15:20Don't worry about them.
15:22Good row will do them good.
15:25We can have that talk on the dance floor later.
15:27Liz, are you mad?
15:29We can't be seen dancing together.
15:31Well, it'll look very suspicious if we don't dance together.
15:34Liz, what is all this about?
15:36Now, keep calm.
15:38Calm? I'm calm now, what is it?
15:42I'm pregnant.
15:47You're the father.
15:51You what?
15:52Shh, be calm.
15:53He cares for the world.
15:56It is rather awful, isn't it?
15:58The baby was actually conceived during our children's wedding reception.
16:04Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served.
16:07Oh, my God.
16:10You see, even my best friend is dreading my chickens.
16:14Peru is a fascinating country, but it is very poor.
16:18Makes one ashamed of one's greed and over-consumption.
16:21Absolutely.
16:23The same again.
16:24Why not?
16:26Well, if I don't have another Scotch,
16:28it'll hardly get transported to the shanty towns of Lehman, will it?
16:32Just help put some poor sod in Western Scotland out of work.
16:36I do hope they're all right.
16:38Well, a lot of distilleries have closed up there, but...
16:41I think Rita meant Paul and Jenny, Ted.
16:45No, they'll be all right. They're just having a tiff, that's all.
16:48They have such high expectations from that.
16:51They'll learn.
16:58Do you think that was what novelists mean by a pregnant pause?
17:02Liz!
17:05It's hardly respectful, is it, eh?
17:08I mean, talking about pregnancy in public.
17:11I mean, is it?
17:13Especially when our son made their daughter pregnant before they were married.
17:17I mean, is it?
17:21Liz?
17:22Oh, right.
17:25Come on, Ted.
17:27No, Rita, the dance floor's not crowded enough for me.
17:30I find talking a strain.
17:32I hardly drink. The food's never any good.
17:35The only thing I enjoy is the dancing, so come on.
17:37Oh, heck.
17:42Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad. Hello, Son.
17:44Elvis!
17:46I thought the least you could have done was to wangle tonight off.
17:48I mean, look at you. You're embarrassing your mother.
17:50Well, not you.
17:51Well, I can't say that exactly thrills me.
17:53I mean, it's not exactly conducive, I mean, is it?
17:57You should have given me a job in the foundry then, shouldn't you?
18:00Waiter!
18:03Yes, sir?
18:04Elvis!
18:06Simon.
18:07Good Lord!
18:09Oh, this is my sister's husband's brother.
18:12Sorry. Must be a bit embarrassing for you.
18:15No, not really.
18:16Though you might try something a little more polite than yelling waiter.
18:19What's rude about that?
18:20Well, how would you like it if I popped into your office and yelled estate agent?
18:24That's different.
18:25Yeah? You're a member of the profession.
18:28And I'm only a waiter.
18:29I think you're rather forgetting your position, Elvis.
18:32I was speaking as your sister's husband's brother.
18:36Speaking as a waiter, what can I get you, sir?
18:41There we go, sir. Tickety-boo.
18:43Thank you.
18:44This is my strategic defensive position.
18:47Well, here I can keep an eye on Rodney's drinking.
18:50Absolutely. Good plan.
18:53Oh!
18:54What's wrong?
18:55Would you believe toothache?
18:57We had a heart attack last year at the doctor's dinner dance.
19:00And that was a full dress deal.
19:02I get it every now and again, but my dentist can't find anything wrong.
19:06Who is your dentist?
19:08It's Mr. Young.
19:10I'm sorry. That was unethical.
19:12She's probably recovered now. She does those keep fit classes on the radio.
19:16Is that young Mr. Young or old Mr. Young?
19:18Oh, she's very attractive.
19:20There were seven doctors fighting to give her the kiss of life.
19:23Well, I think it must be old Mr. Young. He's as bald as a coot.
19:26No, that's young Mr. Young.
19:27Dr. Spreckley won. Oh, his wife didn't half give him an earful afterwards.
19:31I was amazed she knew such words.
19:33But apparently she's a regular theatre-goer.
19:37Look, I wouldn't want to put any pressure on you,
19:39but I could fit you in as a private patient on Monday morning.
19:42Oh, I'd like that. I'd like the job done properly.
19:46Ah, hello. How's Mr. Sprigg enjoying himself?
19:49I've no idea.
19:50Pardon?
19:51My name's Spragg. I'm having a great time.
19:55And this is the first time I've had to go all night.
20:05Is there something between you and Liz?
20:07Hmm?
20:08What are you talking about? I gave you that idea.
20:10I keep seeing you exchanging looks.
20:13Ah, yeah. Well, the thing is that, um...
20:16Well, I don't like her.
20:17I mean, to be absolutely honest, I don't like her.
20:20Absolutely honest. I can't stand her.
20:22So what I'm doing is I'm overcompensating
20:24for the sake of harmony between our two families, you see.
20:28You're not going to dance with her, are you?
20:30You won't.
20:31Well, people will talk if you don't.
20:34What a convoluted mind you've got.
20:38Well, I'll dance with her, if you insist.
20:41Don't you trust me?
20:42Trust you? After Ingeborg?
20:47Rita.
20:49Look, you're in hospital, no danger, woman's problem.
20:53And the beautiful blonde daughter of a Swedish ironmongery wholesaler
20:57turns up at the foundry and places an order for 2,000 toasted forks.
21:02Hmm?
21:03I mean, be fair.
21:05A man can only resist so much temptation.
21:10Unisolated.
21:12Perhaps a bit of regret.
21:15What about Big Bertha from Nuremberg?
21:21All right, two isolated lapses, bitterly regretted.
21:24And what about Dorian from the Frimley Building Society?
21:32All right, three isolated lapses, bitterly regretted.
21:35I thought that was carrying everyone's friendly at the Frimley too far.
21:39Exactly, this is it. I was seduced by the power of advertising.
21:42You were seduced by Doreen Timperley.
21:44And I was impressed by how regularly you were paying in.
21:48Rita, three peccadillos in 24 years of marital bliss.
21:53That's one lap every, um, eight years.
21:58If it's eight years, it's Doreen Timperley.
22:01I'll be very suspicious if you don't dance with Liz.
22:04All right, all right, Rita, I'll dance with her.
22:06Well, don't hold her too close, that's how I'll know something's up.
22:09Rita.
22:10And don't hold her too far apart either, like she's a piece of Dresden china.
22:14Or I'll be really suspicious.
22:16For God's sake, Rita, have you brought your tape measure?
22:24Thank you.
22:28So, Elvis, are you finding your three years as a philosophy graduate helpful in your job?
22:37Incredibly.
22:38Oh, good, good.
22:40You don't feel that the taxpayers' money has been poured down the drain, then?
22:44Money, money, money.
22:46I hear the heart of an estate agent beating like a till.
22:51In my brief spell as a waitress, I have learnt the answer to a question that has exercised philosophers down the ages.
22:57What question?
22:58Is the external world real, or is it just a figment of my imagination?
23:03Do you exist outside my mind?
23:05I now know that you do.
23:06How?
23:07Because I wouldn't have wasted time inventing anybody as futile as you.
23:13Ditto. With knobs on.
23:15Precisely. Case proven.
23:18That'll be £9.46, sir. Call it £10 for cash.
23:30Dry vermouth and a dry white wine, please.
23:32Betty, what will you...
23:34Ah, yes. That's all, thank you.
23:36Very good, sir. Can do. Tickety-boo.
23:42Hello, Mum.
23:45Jenny and I have just survived as first round.
23:48Congratulations.
23:49We've decided that if the correct lessons are learnt, then my lie can cement the relationship.
23:54Oh, good. I'm so glad.
23:57Don't be angry, Mum.
23:59I'm sorry if I was a bit rude earlier.
24:01Oh, I understand.
24:06The nerves and emotions sometimes go a bit haywire in pregnancy.
24:10So what's your excuse?
24:12Pardon?
24:13Well, you called me a bitch, and I hardly imagine you're pregnant.
24:20Hardly.
24:22I must apologise for the meal tonight. That chicken was a disaster.
24:26Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot your friend provided it.
24:30No, no, no, no.
24:32We enjoyed ourselves.
24:34And, I mean, after all, it isn't everything, is it, the food?
24:36No, no, not by a long shot.
24:38And talking about food not being everything,
24:40I'd like you to be my guests at my Angling Club Christmas party.
24:46Yes, it's held at the Lounge Bar of the Crown and Walnut are closed for the occasion.
24:51I mean, it's only a backstreet boozer, but they're a friendly crowd.
24:56Sounds delightful.
24:58Farewell.
24:59Where've you been? We've been worried sick.
25:03Sorry. I think I overreacted.
25:06No, no, you didn't.
25:07Little lies lead to bigger lies and the ultimate destruction of the relationship.
25:12How true.
25:17Another pregnant pause.
25:19The evening seems pregnant with pregnant pauses.
25:30And now, the Dale Monsell Quartet will transport you over the Alps by magic carpet
25:37to the centre of the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
25:41Take your partners, ladies and gentlemen, for a whiff of old Vienna.
25:49Jenny?
25:51You be all right?
25:52Yes, modest exercise is good for pregnancy, Paul.
26:00Yes.
26:11Darling?
26:12All right.
26:14Rita?
26:16Oh, Mr Badger, why not?
26:21Oh, Ted.
26:22Might be a good idea to pry his Betty away from the bar.
26:25Oh.
26:27The same thing is happening at the wedding.
26:29Mrs Chicken is desperately watching Mr Chicken to make sure he doesn't drink too much
26:34and she'll be the one who ends up getting drunk.
26:37You find people so amusing, observant artistes, don't you, Boris?
26:41What a pity you don't like us so much as those two.
26:44I do, Liz.
26:45It's just that the Rodenhurst have never found affection easy to express.
26:49Perhaps it's because you have so little affection to express.
26:52I have feelings, Liz.
26:54I just keep them bottled up.
26:56Like chutney?
26:57Exactly.
27:00Well, not exactly like chutney, no.
27:02I'm British, Liz.
27:04My affection doesn't come bursting out in great surges.
27:07Say that again.
27:09No, you don't want to get close to me.
27:11You want to get close to the Toasting Fork Tycoon.
27:13You're having an affair with him, aren't you?
27:15Are you really at your aerobics on a Tuesday?
27:18Don't answer that. I don't really want to know.
27:20Just be very, very discreet.
27:23I don't want to see you dancing with him tonight.
27:25Won't that be guaranteed, except Tom's wagging in his tub?
27:30All right, dance with him, but don't hold him too close.
27:32Yes, sir.
27:35But I just don't understand how a nice man like you
27:38can enjoy dancing while you're keeping hundreds of living creatures
27:42in conditions that would make a Siberian prison camp
27:44seem like a young conservative's dinner dance.
27:47Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.
27:49Well, not when you asked me to dance.
27:53But I don't.
27:56Excuse me.
28:03Oh, Jane.
28:05I'm Rita.
28:07Oh, yes. Yes, of course you are.
28:11And now, ladies and gentlemen,
28:14we pay a brief visit to the exotic rhythms of Latin America.
28:18Yes, it's carnival time in Rio.
28:26Oh, come on, Paul.
28:28Oh, leave him alone, Jenny, if he doesn't want to.
28:30No, marriage is a totality of shared experience, Dad.
28:34So that's where I went wrong.
28:37My parents won't touch you today.
28:39He slipped after the bar, I'm sure of it. Excuse me.
28:49Miss, how can you be sure it's mine?
28:51The casualty people may be watching.
28:54Hell's bells, Liz. I mean, how can you be sure?
28:57Lawrence and I haven't slept together for, um, four years.
29:00Well, I presumed, you know, that you were taking precautions.
29:02No point. If there's nothing to take them against, you could, I suppose.
29:06Hell's bells, Liz. I don't go to wedding receptions armed with rubber goods.
29:10Anyway, I thought the chances were pretty remote at your age.
29:13Oh, thank you.
29:15Oh, I'm sorry. No, what a...
29:17Look casual, look casual, look happy.
29:19Oh, what a tactless, ungrateful man you are.
29:23No, no, no. I meant you don't look your age.
29:26So sometimes I forget how you aren't quite as amazingly young, as you seem.
29:32Don't try and look up.
29:34I like you because you aren't smooth.
29:37I like you for what you are, your own man.
29:40Proud, rough.
29:42Good Lord.
29:44Liz, I suppose you thought of having a...
29:47Not a.
29:50Yes, I have.
29:55I've decided to have the baby.
29:57But I absolutely adore yours.
30:00You what?
30:02Oh, your arm.
30:04The minstrel, the shambles.
30:06It was rather, wasn't it, poor Rodney?
30:08Sorry?
30:10I thought you said the dinner was a shambles.
30:12No, York.
30:14York's a shambles, I don't agree.
30:16No, no, I mean there's a street in York called a shambles.
30:19I know.
30:21I know.
30:22I know you know.
30:24Well, I mean, I presumed you know.
30:26You know, most people do.
30:32Liz, are you prepared to brave the perils of my clumsy feet?
30:36Well, yes.
30:38Sit.
30:57Another dance, Neville?
30:59No, please, thank you.
31:01It might help take you out of yourself.
31:03I don't want to be taken out of myself.
31:05Who would I be then?
31:08I don't know.
31:27It's worse than being on the telly.
31:29Yeah, a bit grumpy.
31:30I feel like being grumpy.
31:32You making me make love to you at the wedding reception,
31:34choosing tonight to tell me you're pregnant,
31:36referring to pregnant pauses,
31:38blimey kisses.
31:40Honestly, Liz, I think you flirt with danger as much as you do with me.
31:43I think it turns you on.
31:44No.
31:46No, you turn me on.
31:49I'm having your baby.
31:51Oh, Liz.
31:53Heck, what are we going to do?
31:59It's impossible to understand this music.
32:03What's wrong?
32:05Nothing.
32:06Jenny, there is.
32:07No.
32:08Come on, tell me.
32:10Tell me.
32:11No secrets, a totality of shared experience.
32:16I think my mother and your father are having an affair.
32:26Shouldn't have told me.
32:31Can I have your baby?
32:33Of course.
32:35Of course I do, but I mean...
32:37Mother, you're...
32:38Hey.
32:41That's what I mean, isn't it?
32:43It's, I mean...
32:45What the hell?
32:47Oh, but I want a baby too.
32:50Yeah, good, good.
32:52But I mean...
32:54You know, I mean Lawrence.
32:55Well, obviously, I can't be able to go on living with Lawrence.
32:57Oh, quiet.
32:59Good, good.
33:01Bright and jolly.
33:03Oh, yes.
33:05Oh, heck.
33:07I think...
33:09We should live together.
33:11Oh, absolutely.
33:13There's no other way.
33:15Is there absolutely no possibility that it is it?
33:19Don't you want to live with me?
33:21Of course I do.
33:23I mean, it's like a dream.
33:25It's just I was exploring all the possibilities.
33:27I mean, like the clappers.
33:29You know what I mean.
33:31Oh, heck.
33:33Your enthusiasm sounds pretty temperate to me.
33:35No, no, love.
33:37No, no.
33:39It's just I was thinking about Rita and Lawrence and family.
33:43And I mean, of course I do.
33:45Madly.
33:47And just everything.
33:51And...
33:53Oh, heck.
33:55How?
33:57How what?
33:59How do we go about it?
34:01We just go off together.
34:03Quickly, suddenly.
34:05Clean break.
34:07Absolutely, absolutely, yes.
34:09When?
34:11Tonight.
34:13Tonight?
34:15You are function fixated.
34:17Well, it's not easy for me either.
34:19I've never left Lawrence before.
34:21I'm worried.
34:23My courage will run out if I don't.
34:25The pain of our daily life in the gulf is forever.
34:31Oh, heck.
34:35I feel very much,
34:37ladies and gentlemen,
34:39to see you again in a few minutes
34:41after a short break.
34:45How were the beaches in the south of France?
34:47Rather too full of overweight,
34:49topless Germans for my taste.
34:51Oh, dear.
34:53I know Filey has its critics,
34:55but let's face it,
34:57it's not full of overweight new German women.
35:01I catch their death.
35:03It's an ill wind.
35:05Absolutely.
35:07I must go home.
35:09Thank you, Lawrence, for a...
35:11an evening.
35:13You're in no condition to drive, Neville.
35:15Paul will drive him. He won't mind.
35:17Oh, that's very kind.
35:19Where's Liz? I must say goodbye to Liz.
35:21Come on, Neville.
35:25I owe you an apology, Rita.
35:27It was a trifle abrupt earlier.
35:29You're under a strain.
35:31I understand.
35:33That's no excuse. Jane believed in good manners.
35:35She'd have been deeply shocked.
35:39That sort of thing lets her down.
35:41It lets me down.
35:43It lets Badger, Badger, Fox and...
35:45Badger down.
35:47Never mind.
35:49You're coping better than at the wedding.
35:51You're going to be all right.
35:53Time is a great healer.
35:55Oh, shut up.
35:59He's so happy when he's sober
36:01and he's so miserable when he's drunk,
36:03it worries me.
36:05Which is his real self.
36:09Paul,
36:11are you sober? Of course I am.
36:13I haven't been here long enough to get drunk.
36:15Oh, good. You won't mind driving Neville home then, will you?
36:17Thank you, Paul.
36:19Goodbye, Rita.
36:21What can I say? I'm sorry.
36:25I'm sorry.
36:27Good night, Neville. Where's Liz?
36:29Oh, I'll say good night to her for you.
36:31Thank you for volunteering.
36:33There you go, sir.
36:35Just the job, tickety-boo.
36:39Come on.
36:47Hey.
36:51Hey.
36:53How's that doing, our Rita?
36:55Dad, I wish you wouldn't say our Rita.
36:57I know that does.
36:59Anyway, don't worry this then, our Rita.
37:01I've been on me best behaviour.
37:03My table
37:05are right interested in me tales of the olden days.
37:07They've no idea
37:09of the problems posed by horse manure
37:11in big cities.
37:13Dad, I can't take you anywhere.
37:15I've noticed.
37:17Well, are you surprised?
37:19Why do you have to come out with such crude things?
37:21Because you don't take me anywhere.
37:31This time it's Rodney
37:33that's got drunk.
37:35I'll say this for your friends, Rita.
37:37They have a high entertainment value.
37:39Lawrence.
37:41Do you think there is anything
37:43between Ted and Les?
37:45You mean, are they having an affair?
37:47Well, I want to put it
37:49quite simply.
37:51Well, yes, I suppose I do.
37:53Yes.
37:55What?
37:57Yes, I do think they are having an affair.
37:59Oh, my God, Lawrence, they can't be.
38:01Well, you just asked me. You must have thought they were.
38:03Yeah, but I hope you'd tell me
38:05that I was imagining things.
38:07You'd tell me I was sticking my mind into putting myself together.
38:09Sorry.
38:11Keep calm, Rita.
38:13People may be watching.
38:15Keep calm?
38:17Our two youngest children have only been married for ten years
38:19and my husband is having an affair with your wife
38:21and you tell me to keep calm?
38:23Absolutely. Because it won't last, you know.
38:25Liz is far too much of a snob.
38:27Say nothing. Close ranks.
38:29Make small talk.
38:31Hello. Hello, Jenny.
38:33Rita was just telling me they found
38:35the scenery in Provence very spectacular
38:37but
38:39not as green as England.
38:41Yeah.
38:43Yes, it was very spectacular
38:45but not as green as England.
38:47Oh.
38:49The scenery in Peru
38:51is very spectacular, especially the Andes.
38:53So...
38:55Hi.
38:57Exactly.
38:59Come on, Lawrence.
39:01Let's dance.
39:03Oh, well, right.
39:09Hmm.
39:13What did you mean
39:15by saying that Liz was too much of a snob?
39:17Nothing.
39:19Then why say it?
39:21You're forcing me
39:23to spell it out, Rita.
39:25Ted is not quite
39:27her social equal.
39:29Well, he's got his own business.
39:31He employs people.
39:33He exports to 27 countries.
39:35He's done extremely well for himself
39:37socially, Rita, socially,
39:39selling doorknobs to Arabs hardly compared
39:41to being a dentist's wife.
39:43I mean, do you want this affair to last?
39:45Of course not.
39:47You don't want it not to last because he's not good in foreign.
39:49The indestructibility of English snobbery.
39:51I think the snobbery's on your side, Lawrence.
39:53Oh, well, without wishing to be snobbish,
39:55Rita, I would suggest that you are far more
39:57blatantly snobbish than I am.
39:59People who are upwardly mobile always are.
40:01And now,
40:05by popular demand,
40:07seniors and senioritas,
40:09we're off to España,
40:11the land of the bullfight.
40:13Rita!
40:15¡Ale!
40:21¡Arriba, arriba, arriba!
40:23¡Ale!
40:31There she is.
40:33The girl that once told me
40:35I was the ermine goring
40:37of the British food industry.
40:39Rodney?
40:41No, but I sort of did.
40:43Oh, Lord.
40:45No, please, you did right.
40:47A drink for my friend, Barkeep.
40:49Well, just an orange juice.
40:51The juice of the orange can do.
40:53No problem. Here we go.
40:55You did right.
40:57As I stand here, warm and well-fed,
40:59but thirsty.
41:01But apart from that, in the pink,
41:03out there,
41:05under the stars,
41:07are rows of
41:09wooden huts,
41:11Stalag N32,
41:13the buttery chicken archipelago,
41:15a monument to man's
41:17inhumanity to chicken.
41:21Barman, you seem like a total idiot.
41:23What do you say?
41:2560p, sir.
41:27Oh, I'm living with them as if nothing has happened.
41:29It's easy enough.
41:31They're discreet.
41:33What sort of a marriage is that?
41:35The best available under the circumstances.
41:37But anyway,
41:39I can't live with them, no way.
41:41Rita, I implore you to be cautious.
41:43Don't rock the boat.
41:45Maybe they've already rocked the boat.
41:47They've been gone a long time.
41:49You mean,
41:51they're at it now?
41:53Where? In your car?
41:55In my car? Liz wouldn't.
41:57Maybe they've walked
41:59out on us.
42:01They wouldn't. Not tonight. Ted's my guest.
42:03I agree. It would be very rude.
42:05Rude? Unforgivable.
42:07Those tickets cost me £14.50.
42:09Lauren!
42:11I know. Pretty steep for that rubbish when you think the wine was extra.
42:13No, I meant how can you talk
42:15up money at a time like this?
42:17Well, because now you are imagining things.
42:19Liz wouldn't leave me.
42:21Certainly not for...
42:23Not tonight.
42:25The dentist's dinner dance
42:27is the highlight of my social calendar.
42:29Liz knows that.
42:31Next year I'm president.
42:33She wouldn't. Just wouldn't.
42:35Would she?
42:37Come on, Jenny.
42:39We have a job to do.
42:41A job?
42:43We're going to let my chickens go free.
42:45Open the doors.
42:47All fly away to a better life.
42:49Stop him, Jenny,
42:51because he could well do it.
42:53Come on, Jenny.
42:55Help me make amends for a wicked life.
42:57I can't.
42:59I'm waiting for Paul.
43:01Jenny,
43:03did Jay Guevara
43:05say, sorry, chaps,
43:07the revolution's off.
43:09We've got visitors? He did not.
43:11Well,
43:13it's not the way to do it.
43:15You've got to close down the factory.
43:17I'll tell you what.
43:19I'll make umbrellas instead.
43:21You're not one of those umbrella
43:23liberation people, are you?
43:25Come on.
43:27I can't take advantage of you in this condition.
43:29Never mind my condition.
43:31It's about my chickens.
43:33I mean,
43:35do they ever get a chance to go to a
43:37dinner dance and eat frozen people?
43:39You're all talk
43:41and no do. You make me sick.
43:49Robbie.
43:53Our car's gone.
43:55Our car, it's not in the car park.
43:57Well,
43:59maybe they've gone for a quick drink.
44:01I hardly think so.
44:03Gone for a quick, um,
44:05in some deserted spot.
44:07Maybe they've left us.
44:09What?
44:11Oh, my God. Rita, what are we going to do?
44:13Smile.
44:15What?
44:17Keeping up appearances, Miles. At least till the show.
44:19Oh, yes, right.
44:23This is dreadful.
44:25Yes.
44:27What's funny?
44:29I'm just keeping up appearances.
44:31Oh, yes, right. Well done.
44:33Not being rude, Rita,
44:35but I'd have expected you to go to pieces.
44:37Thanks.
44:39I'm glad you weren't being rude.
44:41Well, yes,
44:43as a matter of fact, so would I.
44:45I mean, it's odd.
44:47All my life I've been dreading the worst.
44:49And now that it's happened,
44:51well,
44:53I suppose there's nothing more to fear.
44:55And it's almost a relief.
44:59In a way.
45:01Why, Rita?
45:03We were happy.
45:05We existed pretty satisfactorily.
45:07On the whole.
45:11Rita, she must come back.
45:13I can't face it.
45:15The empty house.
45:17Telling the family.
45:19Facing my friends.
45:21The girls in the surgery.
45:23The patients.
45:25The cleaning woman.
45:27All that sympathy.
45:31All that emptiness.
45:33Oh, my God.
45:35Keep calm, Lawrence.
45:37Calm? My wife's just left me,
45:39and you tell me to...
45:41I failed her.
45:49Thank you very much,
45:51ladies and gentlemen.
45:53Well, I'm afraid the licensing authorities
45:55have beaten us yet again.
45:57It's time for the last waltz.
46:11Oh, my God.
46:13Here comes your father, that's all I need.
46:15Lord, I'm sorry.
46:17Quick, um...
46:19Make small talk.
46:21And the funny thing was, it wasn't even our cat.
46:25Oh, dear me.
46:27Hello. How are you?
46:29I'm having a great time.
46:31Do you know, I've just had my table in tux
46:33with me impression of Staff Sergeant Crabtree.
46:35Oh, no, you didn't do Staff Sergeant Crabtree.
46:39I've never seen Mr Breesley laugh so much.
46:41It's a pity you weren't there, Mr Robinhurst.
46:43Rodenhurst.
46:45Oh, my losses, Breesley's gains.
46:51Is everything all right?
46:53Absolutely. It's a wonderful evening.
46:55Oh, absolutely wonderful.
46:57Here, come and dance.
46:59Me?
47:01Well, I'm not dancing with him. I'm not the bum boy.
47:03Dad!
47:05Come on, dance with your old dad.
47:07Oh, all right.
47:23Dad, why'd you have to be so crude?
47:27Because he hates it.
47:29Why'd you have to hurt me?
47:33Because you hurt me.
47:35What?
47:37Oh, I understand.
47:39I clash with your contemporary furniture.
47:41Dad.
47:43I dare say you're at me now.
47:45Your mother's dying.
47:47Dad, she's not dying.
47:49She's dying.
47:51I know that.
47:55Like I know there's something wrong between you and Ted.
47:59I'm not such an old fool as you think, you know.
48:01What's up, Rita?
48:03I think he's run off with Les.
48:05Yes.
48:07Rita.
48:09Come on, Rita.
48:11A bloody fool.
48:13My God, I wish I were 20 years younger.
48:15I'd kick one of these dentists' thumbs.
48:17I'd kick his bloody teeth in.
48:19Dad.
48:21Well, no way to treat my little girl.
48:23Dad.
48:25Come on, Rita.
48:27Defy the world.
48:29Defy the world.
48:31You had such spirit when you were a little girl.
48:33You could be a little devil.
48:35Where's it all gone?
48:37What's happened, Rita?
48:39Life, Dad.
48:41Life's happened.
48:43Come on, Rita.
48:45You can do it.
48:47Show a bit of style.
48:49That's funny.
48:51He said that.
48:53Well, show him.
48:55Show her.
48:57Defy the world.
48:59All right.
49:01Come on, Dad.
49:13Dad.
49:15Dad.
49:17Dad.
49:19Dad.
49:21Dad.
49:23You can't be dead.
49:25I told you I love you.
49:55Dad.
49:57Dad.
49:59Dad.
50:01Dad.
50:03Dad.
50:05Dad.
50:07Dad.
50:09Dad.
50:11Dad.
50:13Dad.
50:15Dad.
50:17Dad.
50:19Dad.
50:21Dad.
50:23Dad.
50:25Dad.
50:27Dad.
50:29Dad.
50:31Dad.
50:33Dad.
50:35Dad.
50:37Dad.
50:39Dad.
50:41Dad.
50:43Dad.
50:45Dad.
50:47Dad.
50:49Dad.