Frasier Season 2 Episode 18 The Club
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00:00Well, we got time for one more call. Ross, who've we got?
00:03We have Sid and Bremerton on three.
00:06Hello, Sid. I'm listening.
00:09Hello, Dr. Crane. I have a terrible fear of talking on the phone to people I do not know.
00:19I freeze up.
00:23It is a severe handicap in today's fast-paced, highly competitive world.
00:30Sid, are you reading what you're saying?
00:41Yes, I am.
00:43The only way I can comfortably communicate on the phone is to write everything out I wish to say in advance.
00:52Well, what if someone asks you a question you haven't anticipated?
01:00Thank you, Dr. Crane, for your most insightful comments. Goodbye.
01:07Wait, Sid!
01:10Sid, if you're listening, your insecurity is rooted in your fear of making a mistake.
01:15In order to beat this thing, you're going to have to practice.
01:18If you work at it very hard, then one day you too may achieve the command and confidence to which we all aspire to be having.
01:30This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
01:35That was a show good, Frasier.
01:44Thank you, Ross.
01:45Knock, knock.
01:49Oh, nice.
01:50What are you doing here?
01:51Oh, just stop by to see how you'd like to go to lunch next week at the Empire Club.
01:56You know someone who's a member?
01:57No.
01:58But you may.
02:01What are you up to?
02:04You have that same smug look you had in your face when you found that recording of Kirsten Flagstest's 1932 Gotham Dameron in the discount bin.
02:12You think I look smug now waiting to see me next week.
02:15If all goes well, my lapel will be sagging under the weight of a solid gold membership pin.
02:20Well, you'll certainly fit right in with all those greedy, arrogant bluebloods who wouldn't cross the street to spit on the rest of us.
02:30Don't jinx it, Ross.
02:31I'm not in yet.
02:36There's still the cocktail party next week where they screen prospective members, and from what I hear, those can be grueling.
02:42So how did all this come about?
02:43Oh, really, I give the credit to Maris.
02:46She spent five years carefully cultivating the right relationships until finally this week, fortune smiled upon us.
02:53Old Judge Clements suffered a massive stroke, and lo, a vacancy opened up.
03:00There's no meaning to the phrase, a stroke of luck.
03:06It gets better.
03:07There are actually two vacancies, so my chances are doubled.
03:11Edgar Van Cortland has been indicted in that savings and loan scandal.
03:14Well, Frasier, I think my time has come.
03:19Oh, I'm very happy for you.
03:21That's very generous of you, especially knowing you've always dreamed of a membership yourself.
03:26A lesser man would be jealous.
03:30You're not, are you?
03:31Not at all.
03:32Did I mention they have a planetarium on the third floor?
03:35So?
03:35I think my work here is done.
03:37Soon, Niles is getting into the Empire Club.
03:46Well, it would appear so.
03:48More power to him.
03:49After all, he deserves to have lunch in that private dining room.
03:54Read the Wall Street Journal in that fabled mahogany library.
03:58It's eating you up inside, isn't it?
04:00Like a carnivorous bacteria.
04:01If he gets into that club, I should, too.
04:07Well, what if I happen to know someone very high up who could probably get you invited to that cocktail party?
04:12Oh, Ross, don't toy with me.
04:15Mr. Strickland, please.
04:17Just tell him it's Ross.
04:18Walter Strickland, Jr.?
04:20Senior.
04:21Ross, how did you ever get to know someone so important?
04:24The less you know, the happier you'll be.
04:26Well, I think I need more comfortable shoes.
04:38My dogs are killing me.
04:40Pardon?
04:41My dogs.
04:43My feet.
04:45What do you call them in England?
04:46Well, we mostly call our body parts by their rightful names.
04:52Except me Uncle Harold.
04:53He named parts of his anatomy after the royal family.
04:58He walked on the Queen's pins.
05:01He sat on the Duchess of Kent.
05:04He was quite a jolly fellow.
05:07That is, until Aunt Kate caught him introducing the Prince of Wales to a cocktail waitress.
05:15Ralph, are you almost finished with that?
05:17Yes, I am, Dr. Crane.
05:19You'll have the handsomest midriff at the club tonight.
05:22I hope my date concurs.
05:26Who are you taking to this shindig?
05:28Dr. Susan Anderson.
05:30She's as boring as unbuttered toast.
05:33She's a brilliant physician.
05:35And socially well-connected.
05:38Isn't Niles a little ticked off?
05:40Are you horning in on his big party?
05:42Oh, yes, he was at first.
05:44But then I convinced him that we could be of help to each other.
05:47We work together.
05:48We can secure both vacancies.
05:50Boy, you and Niles, it's been the same since you were kids.
05:54One of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too.
05:58I had to buy two Balinese Lutes.
06:00Two decoupage kits.
06:04Two pairs of Lita hosen.
06:06When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.
06:15Hello, Niles.
06:16Ready to go?
06:17No, actually, I'm still waiting on Susan.
06:19She's at the hospital.
06:20Ms. Maris.
06:21She stayed in the Mercedes, practicing her vivacious giggle.
06:26Let's go over our strategy.
06:28I've prepared a crib sheet on each person on the membership committee.
06:32There you are.
06:34School ties, business affiliations, hobbies, mistresses.
06:42Oh, now I've also done some research on our competition.
06:45And frankly, I don't think we have to worry.
06:47One of them flies coach.
06:49Oh, wow.
06:51We're as good as Ian.
06:54Yes, yes.
06:55Unless, oh, Niles, I just had the most terrifying thought.
06:59What if some other candidate has gone to the trouble of researching the skeletons in our own closet?
07:07Oh.
07:15Well, that's as bad as it gets.
07:17I wouldn't be so sure.
07:21I don't think the membership committee would look kindly on your being arrested for mooning President Nixon at a campaign rally.
07:26I was young and firm and in love with an anarchist.
07:34Besides, that's pretty minor compared to your suicide attempt.
07:38It was not a legitimate attempt.
07:40I only stepped out onto that ledge to get Lilith's attention.
07:43Oh, you know, Frasier, perhaps Maris and I should head on over without you.
07:49We can't have the other candidates getting a leg up on us.
07:51Oh, that's a good idea, Niles.
07:53I'll see you there.
07:54All right.
07:54Bye, Dad.
07:55Good luck.
07:55Thanks.
07:56Hello.
07:56Oh, Susan, Susan, oh, my goodness, I've been expecting you.
08:01Are you in the car?
08:03Oh, no.
08:04You're still at the hospital?
08:06Well, of course, I understand.
08:09Well, you were a sweetheart to agree to go in the first place, huh?
08:13Well, I'll call you tomorrow.
08:18Fat chance.
08:24Stoodle job, huh?
08:25This is disastrous.
08:27Well, just go stay.
08:29No, I'm RSVP'd for two.
08:31I'll look like some loser who couldn't even scrape up a date.
08:35Hey, what are we worried about?
08:38We got our very own Cinderella right under this roof.
08:41Well, that's the last time I tried to get grout up without wearing rubber gloves.
08:48I've got so much gunk under me, Niles, I look like I've been worming a pig.
08:56Trust me, the English accent will sell it.
08:58Oh, yes.
09:15Oh, it's everything I ever imagined it would be in war.
09:17What's that smell, Dr. Crean?
09:24That's power.
09:27Oh, Daphne, listen, call me Frasier.
09:30I don't want people to know that you work for me, all right?
09:32If they ask, we've been dating for six months.
09:35All right, Frasier.
09:37Anything else, Frasier?
09:41Now, are we in love or is this just a physical thing, Frasier?
09:45Oh, just stop that.
09:52Niles!
09:53Niles!
09:54How goes the chase?
09:55Brilliant.
09:59Daphne!
09:59Evening, Dr. Crean.
10:04What are you doing here?
10:06Oh, Frasier takes me everywhere, don't you, sweetheart?
10:13I think I'll go sample some of the hors d'oeuvres.
10:16Back in a minute, darling.
10:22Sweetheart, darling, it's my date cancelled.
10:25Daphne's filling in, all right?
10:27I can't honestly think that I would end up going out with Daphne.
10:29Well, you are a man, and she is a goddess.
10:33Whose bedroom is, after all, only 41 steps from your own.
10:39On a completely unrelated topic, where's Maris?
10:42The last I saw, she was apologizing to one of the other candidate's wives.
10:46Apparently, Maris bumped an entire chafing dish of crab meat into the poor woman's décolletage.
10:54Accidents will happen.
10:56As long as they keep the hors d'oeuvres flowing, they will.
10:59Oh, my God.
11:03Niles, feel this leather.
11:06Oh, I have had pudding stiffer than this.
11:11Oh, Frasier.
11:13Kenneth Spencer.
11:14Yes, Niles, I'm sure it was very satisfying being Phi Beta Kappa at Yale, but surely you would have been happier to wear the orange and black of Princeton.
11:32Of course, anyone who's anyone went to Princeton.
11:35Excuse me.
11:37I'm Kenneth Spencer.
11:39Couldn't help but overhear you.
11:41As it happens, I went to Princeton.
11:44Oh, no.
11:45What are the odds?
11:49Army, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
11:52This is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
11:56Oh, my brother is too kind.
11:59He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.
12:09Here, try this caviar for you, Jean.
12:13I'm sorry it took so long, but I met the most charming gentleman, Edgar Van Cortland.
12:19Van Cortland?
12:20Well, he'd lost his membership in the SNL scandal.
12:23Actually, he was acquitted of all charges.
12:25He reinstated at the club.
12:27Oh, he was innocent?
12:28No, just acquitted.
12:30So, does that mean that there's only one membership?
12:38Yes.
12:39Oh, but not to worry.
12:40One of you should be selected.
12:42You can always bring the other along as a guest.
12:45Well, if only one of us can be honored with a membership, I hope it will be you, Frasier.
12:50That's a very noble sentiment.
12:52Well, I know how much it means to him.
12:54We can't risk another splashy suicide attempt.
13:00That's very amusing, Niles.
13:09Using humor to diffuse a tense situation.
13:12I'm sure that stood you in good stead when you were in prison for threatening the president.
13:15Oh, hold on.
13:19Kenneth.
13:20Kenneth.
13:21Excuse me.
13:23Oh, what are you saying?
13:24I never do it.
13:25Oh, let it go, let it go.
13:27Oh, stop it.
13:28Wait, do you intend to stand here running each other down and ruin both your chances?
13:35No.
13:36No.
13:37Of course, you're right.
13:40Cocktails, gentlemen.
13:41Oh.
13:43Yes, I'd like two ounces of your best 18-year-old Lowland single malt scotch.
13:47There's a discriminating choice.
13:49Yes, my brother has an extensive knowledge of fine wines and spirits, undoubtedly acquired
13:55during the years when he was shacked up with a barmaid.
14:03So my mom says, how can you never bring your boyfriends out to meet me?
14:11And I say, Mom, the plane trip to Wisconsin takes four hours, and that's longer than most
14:16of my relationships last.
14:20Oh, there's Niles.
14:22No, don't look at him.
14:24Pretend we don't even see him.
14:26Real mature, Frazier.
14:27Thanks to that backstabber, I will never get to say the phrase I've been rehearsing for
14:32a lifetime.
14:34If you need me, I'll be at my club.
14:39Frazier, this is so boring.
14:42Don't you both owe each other an apology?
14:44Oh, yes.
14:46But I was the first to apologize last time.
14:48Oh, wait.
14:49That means it's his turn.
14:51Oh, goody.
14:52I can be mature about this.
15:06Niles.
15:07Frazier.
15:10After last night's behavior, I believe an apology is in order.
15:14I agree.
15:17Well.
15:19Well, what?
15:22It's your turn.
15:23I apologized first last time.
15:24No, you didn't.
15:25I did.
15:26So I distinctly remember.
15:28It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit, I had my secretary leave a heartfelt
15:32apology with your service.
15:37Oh, you did.
15:39It means it is my turn again.
15:42Damn.
15:47I'm sorry.
15:48Me too.
15:48Oh, my.
15:49It was my fault.
15:50No, it was all my fault.
15:51I just started the one thing.
15:52I'm a terrible person.
15:53I don't know where I went.
15:54I can't believe we just turned on each other like that.
15:56It was embarrassing.
15:57My only excuse is that all my life I have dreamed of belonging to an exclusive club like
16:02the Empire.
16:04Even as a child, when I formed clubs with my teddy bears, there were always two or three
16:09who didn't make the cut.
16:15Hello.
16:16Hello.
16:17Yes, this is Dr. Kramer.
16:20It's the club.
16:20Yes?
16:23Yes?
16:26I see.
16:28Well, thank you for considering me.
16:32If you care to speak to my brother, he's right here.
16:36Be gracious.
16:36Be gracious.
16:41Hello.
16:44Yes, I see.
16:46Thank you very much for calling.
16:49Goodbye.
16:50Don't let it get you down.
16:56We got along fine without them before, and they'll get along fine now.
17:07We are getting along without them, aren't we?
17:12Diles.
17:13Oh, my God.
17:16You got in.
17:20Congratulations.
17:26I'd better go break the news to Maris.
17:31Believe me, Niles, you're getting passed over like this has drained every drop of joy
17:38from this.
17:41You're a good brother.
17:45Yes!
17:46I got in!
17:48I got in, my God!
17:50Shutted from the roof, drops lattes for everyone!
17:53This is the proudest day of my life!
18:02Of course.
18:05What really matters is family.
18:07Bag!
18:08Come on, boy, we've been working on this.
18:21You can do it.
18:23Bag!
18:28Sit!
18:30Good boy!
18:33Dad, what are you doing?
18:34I'll teach you now to your new trick.
18:36With my $26 a pound imported prosciutto.
18:39Ah, wait till you see it.
18:40It's worth that.
18:41Not unless he can sing the love duet from Tosca.
18:45Where are you going?
18:46I'm the Empire Club.
18:48I've come to a moral decision.
18:51I'm going to insist that they give Niles my membership.
18:54Ah, that's a hell of a gesture.
18:57Yes, well, I put myself in Niles' place.
19:02After all, I spent the last 15 years diligently trying to climb Seattle's social ladder.
19:08Then I waltz in, and within two years, I'm known throughout the city.
19:12Top it all off, I end up grabbing the prize he's wanted most of all.
19:17It just isn't fair.
19:18You're a good kid, Frazier.
19:22Thank you, Dad.
19:28Might as well say this while I still can.
19:34If anyone needs me...
19:37I'll be at my club.
19:43Oh, yes.
19:48The club.
19:50The club that I helped you get into.
19:53Of course, now that you're done with me, I'm just cast aside.
19:59Unappreciated.
20:01Unloved.
20:02Unforgotten.
20:03Yes, well...
20:04You see, the prosciutto isn't the only imported ham in the house.
20:08Give me your shirt.
20:13I'm not going down without a full load.
20:17Have you got anything white?
20:19Yeah, but you're not getting them.
20:29Hello, Dr. Crane.
20:30Hello, Daphne.
20:32Hello, Dad.
20:33Niles.
20:33Just past Frazier in the hall.
20:40Where was he off to?
20:42He went to the club.
20:44Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
20:49No wonder he was evasive.
20:51I hope you don't mind my stopping by.
20:53I just had to get out of the house, and Lord knows I had no place else to go.
20:59No, Niles.
21:01You may get into that club yet.
21:03What are you talking about?
21:07That's why Frazier went down there, to tell him to give his spot to you.
21:13Dad, is this one of your sick jokes?
21:16I thought you'd be happy.
21:18He's given up his own membership.
21:22What exactly did you think I would be happy about?
21:25This is humiliating.
21:26My big brother going down there to make them take me?
21:29Well, his heart's in the right place.
21:31I wish you could show a little gratitude.
21:33Dad, they made their decision.
21:35They didn't take me on my own merits.
21:36I certainly don't want them to take me out of pity.
21:39I don't care if they invite me now.
21:41I don't even care if they beg.
21:42Good boy!
21:45Good boy!
21:58Excuse me.
22:00Is the club president here?
22:02Yes, Dr. Crane, Mr. Drake, is over there.
22:15Excuse me.
22:16Mr. Drake?
22:17Yes.
22:18Dr. Frazier Crane.
22:19Oh, yes, of course.
22:24The new blood.
22:26Please sit down.
22:29Sir, I've come here on a matter of personal business.
22:34It's about my brother Niles, you see.
22:38Uh, Niles, yes, sir.
22:40Oh.
22:40Oh.
22:43Oh, my God.
22:45This leather's as soft as a baby's bottom.
22:49Yes, on family night, we bring the babies in and do a blindfold comparison test.
22:54That's a joke, Crane.
22:59Oh, yes, indeed.
23:01Darn good one, too, sir.
23:04Now, as I was saying, although my brother may seem a bit priggish at times, believe me,
23:09he's one of the most discriminating people I've ever known.
23:12In fact, I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger snob in this room.
23:16I mean...
23:17Excuse me, sir.
23:20I thought you might enjoy at last support.
23:241896.
23:27What are you trying to say, Crane?
23:30Glad to be aboard, sir.
23:34No.
23:36No.
23:37No, I came down here to simply say that my brother deserves membership more than I do.
23:46And I would like to step down in his favor.
23:49Are you serious?
23:51Yes, yes, I am.
23:52After all, blood is thicker than port.
24:00I stand corrected.
24:02Let me be candid with you, Crane.
24:05Um, we all liked your brother, but some were quite firm about accepting anybody in the entertainment business.
24:13I'm afraid radio-psychiatrist falls into that category.
24:18Radio-psychiatrist?
24:19But Niles...
24:20Mr. Drake, there's been a terrible mistake.
24:27No, Frazier, there hasn't.
24:28Niles?
24:29Dad told me you would be here.
24:31Going to get me into your snooty little club?
24:33Well, you needn't bother.
24:34Niles, you don't understand.
24:35No, you don't understand.
24:36You don't need to be the big brother anymore.
24:38I don't need you to fight my battles.
24:39But, Niles...
24:40No, but out.
24:42Okay.
24:43Act, as for you, you've made it quite clear how you feel about me, so I'd like to share how I feel about you.
24:50I'd sooner spend my leisure time in a smelly bus station than spend one moment with you smug, elitist bigwigs with your cliched oriental carpets and your overstuffed chairs.
25:02My God, it's like a baby's bottle.
25:08You can't reject me because I reject you.
25:11Yes, I'm talking to you, fuzzy.
25:16I prefer to remain Niles Crane everyman.
25:20Friend of the average Joe.
25:24Now, our names mixed up.
25:27I didn't get in, you did.
25:30What?
25:35It was you they wanted all along.
25:38Really?
25:39I'm in?
25:40Good God, don't just stand there, man.
25:42Fetch me some port and step lively.
25:43Will you escort these gentlemen out?
25:46Oh, no, no, no, no.
25:47You can't think that I meant all those things that I was saying before.
25:51Excuse me, sir.
25:51I'm afraid I must ask you to leave.
25:54You and who else?
25:58I'll ask him along.
26:05We don't need this club.
26:08Let us leave with the dignity with which we came.
26:11But, you know, there's been a misunderstanding.
26:13I do want to be one of you.
26:15Perhaps you could put me on probation.
26:17I could just come part-time.
26:19Perhaps afternoons or just one afternoon.
26:21Thursday's a slow day.
26:22If you could pick the day, I wouldn't even have to talk to anyone.
26:25I could just sit in a chair and not say a word.
26:27Please, please, please.
26:29Oh, let me stay.
26:30I belong here.
26:31Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:43Mercy.
26:45And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:47Well, maybe.
26:49But I got you pegged.
26:51Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:53But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
27:00They're calling again.
27:03Frasier has left the building.