Married With Children Season 1 Episode 8 The Poker Game
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00:00Love and marriage, love and marriage
00:13Go together like a horse and carriage
00:18This I tell you, brother
00:23You can't have one without the other
00:28Love and marriage, love and marriage
00:34It's an institute you can't disparage
00:40Ask the local gentry
00:44And they will say it's elementary
00:49Try, try, try to separate them
00:55It's an illusion
00:59Try, try, try and you will only come
01:06To this conclusion
01:10Love and marriage
01:19Al, I'm doing the lottery
01:24I need a number
01:2523
01:27I don't like 23
01:29Why? It was your waist size
01:32Once
01:34Come on, Al, give me a real number
01:3923 is a real number
01:40What do you got against 23?
01:42Well, you were born on the 23rd
01:44And we were married on the 23rd
01:4617
01:48No, Kelly already picked 17
01:51I need something closer to 20
01:54Yeah, so do I
01:55Okay, fine
01:58I'll pick it myself
02:00But I'm telling you something, Al
02:02When we win the 38 million dollars
02:05I am keeping every penny
02:07Yeah, you live a long time, Peg
02:09What are you reading?
02:11Uh-uh, I'm not gonna tell you
02:12Every time I'm reading a magazine
02:14And I see something I think you might like
02:16And I say, Peg, look at this
02:18You know what you do?
02:19You take the magazine
02:21You look at what I showed you
02:22Then you sit down
02:23And you read the magazine
02:24And I never get it back
02:25Not this time
02:27Oh, Peg, look at this
02:32Oh, another fishing catalog
02:35What am I looking at, Al?
02:38The apron that says
02:40He catches them
02:41I cook them
02:42He eats them
02:43I love them
02:44Nah, you'd wear it
02:48But you wouldn't mean it
02:49I was talking about
02:51The five and a half foot
02:52Linear graphite
02:53Bait casting rod
02:54With the high speed
02:56Star drag level
02:57Wine reel
02:57Yippee skip
02:59And a mere
03:02$275
03:04Oh, Al, let's buy it
03:06We can do without food
03:08And eat for a year
03:09You wouldn't mind?
03:13Al, you want everything
03:15When was the last time
03:17You bought me something?
03:18Oh, I suppose
03:19These pots and pans are mine
03:21I'm sorry, Al
03:26It's been so long
03:27Since I wore them dancing
03:29I forgot they were even here
03:31I'll get it
03:35Ooh, they have clothes in here
03:40Morning
03:43Ah, Steve
03:44Hi, Al
03:45Glad I caught you
03:46Before you left for work
03:47I need a ride home tonight
03:48Well, why can't Marcy take you?
03:51Saddle in the shop?
03:54Marcy needs the car tonight
03:55For a women's group meeting
03:56Well, what do they do?
03:57All pile in
03:58And look for men to run over?
04:02Room for one more?
04:06What do you say, Al?
04:07Ah, sure, why not?
04:08Meet me at the store
04:09Oh, wait a second, Steve
04:10I can't
04:11No, no
04:12I'm coming home late
04:13I'm playing poker tonight
04:14Oh, gee, Al
04:15That's great
04:16Another night
04:17I don't get to go out
04:18And do anything
04:19Thank you, honey
04:20Honey, you don't want to go out
04:22On Friday night
04:23Everyone and his wife
04:24Is out on Friday
04:25Well, if it's okay with you
04:31Uh, I don't mind tagging along
04:32Since we moved in
04:34I haven't met a lot of guys
04:35In the neighborhood
04:36Besides you
04:37And, uh, might be nice
04:39To meet somebody
04:39Besides you
04:41Fine
04:44And, uh, you might pick up
04:46A few pointers
04:46Watching the old master play
04:49Oh, yeah
04:51Why don't you ask the old master
04:53About the time
04:54They picked him so clean
04:56He had to push the old car home
04:59Hey, hey
05:00Now, I was off my game that night
05:02I was nervous
05:03I couldn't concentrate on my cards
05:05What with you being in the hospital
05:06Having butt and all
05:08This time it'll be different
05:12This time I have a goal
05:13See, all the money that I make
05:15Is gonna go towards
05:16That fishing rod and reel
05:17You ought to see it
05:18Steve
05:18Hey
05:19Give me the catalog
05:20I'm reading it, Al
05:21You ought to see it
05:24It's great, Steve
05:25And it's only $275
05:27Al
05:29This is none of my business
05:33Or anything
05:34But if you really want something
05:37I've found the best way to get it
05:40Is through saving
05:41At the bank we have a little saying
05:43If you want to save money
05:46Save money
05:48Thank you, Steve
05:52You're so much wiser
05:53Than all the other tellers I've met
05:55All except the automated ones
06:00I'm not gonna be a teller for long
06:05You may laugh at me
06:06And I do
06:07But I have a way with money
06:10I know how to save
06:12I know how to invest
06:13And I know how to make money grow
06:15Give me $5
06:16And I can find opportunities
06:19That other people miss with hundreds
06:21Yeah
06:23Give Al $5
06:24And he just cashed his paycheck
06:26Yeah
06:31Anybody been to Gus's diner lately?
06:35The new waitress
06:36Yeah, like, what is she, man?
06:39Like, 25?
06:40Yeah, it's a great age
06:42Just before their butts start to sag
06:45And they start wearing Reeboks
06:47Better, darling
06:49She's perfect
06:51Well, she's great
06:52But she's not perfect
06:53Her eyes are a little too close together
06:56They're vacant enough
06:57But they're not perfect
06:59Fair, please, Betts
07:03Yeah, if you want a perfect woman
07:05You gotta build her in your head
07:07You know, it gives you something to do
07:08When you're making love to your wife
07:09I like that Connie Chung
07:16I like Connie Mack, too
07:22But neither one have any place in this conversation
07:24Now, for the perfect woman
07:28Let's start out with the legs
07:31Catherine Bach
07:33I say Tina Turner
07:35A little too muscular for me
07:39Jamie Lee Curtis
07:41Okay, let's talk
07:46Tush
07:47Sigourney Weaver
07:50Nope, nope
07:51Monster touched it
07:52Jamie Lee Curtis
07:58Okay, it's hooter time
08:03My time, my time, Mary
08:06Jacqueline Bigson
08:08A young Bridgette Bardot
08:11Now, that's our perfect woman
08:17Nope
08:18Gotta have a brain
08:20Why?
08:21What is my brain?
08:28Venom, why?
08:30Hi, fool
08:33Five dollars
08:39You're bluffing, Barney
08:42Al, he's got two pairs showing
08:45E.J.'s got his ten
08:47And both queens are gone
08:49No way he's got that third ten
08:51I call
08:56Say hi to the third ten, Al
08:59Get another beer
09:05Who wants one?
09:06You've given me enough already, Al
09:08Beauty
09:11Beauty
09:12Russ here
09:13Gee, Al, you stink
09:16Thanks a lot, pal
09:20Aw, come on
09:21I can't believe you are losing to these guys
09:24I've only been watching for an hour
09:25I got the whole rhythm of the game down
09:27What rhythm?
09:28It's pretty obvious
09:30Look, you take Russ
09:31Whenever he's got a bad hand
09:33He shuffles his whole card
09:35As if he thinks it's gonna change
09:37Whenever Barney bluffs
09:39He taps his chips
09:40Dead giveaway
09:41Norris
09:42He never bluffs
09:43He won't stay in the game
09:44Unless he's got three of a kind
09:45And you, Al
09:47You stink
09:48Gee, Steve, you're a real Cincinnati kid
09:55I think he walked home after a game too
09:58If we're such suckers
10:00Why don't you sit in?
10:02Oh, no, oh, no
10:03I just cashed my paycheck
10:05And I give that money to Marcy
10:06The mortgage is due Monday
10:07Besides, I don't gamble
10:09Steve, we're married men
10:11We all gamble
10:12Yeah, I gotta run, guys
10:17What?
10:18My wife is real sick
10:21Ah, boo!
10:22Listen to me
10:23Boo, there you go
10:24Come on, come on, come on
10:26What is it?
10:27I promised my wife
10:28I'd take her to the ballet
10:31What'd you take?
10:35I'd go with me, sir
10:36Ah, ha, ha
10:39The ballet, huh?
10:40The ballet
10:41Gotta take Norris along
10:42Show them what you do
10:43When they're up in the air
10:44Doing those splits
10:45Ta-da-da-da-da
10:48Ta-da-da-da
10:51All right, it's up
11:01What do you think?
11:04Uh, excuse me
11:06Oh, uh, uh, look
11:08I'm not playing
11:09I, uh, I don't believe in gambling
11:12I'm in
11:26Sure you wouldn't like some cake or something?
11:30No, thanks
11:31After our meeting
11:33We stopped at Gus's diner for a bite
11:35They have the dumbest waitress I've ever seen
11:39Wiggling around in this short skirt
11:42Huh, as if anyone was looking
11:45She got our orders wrong
11:47She got our change wrong
11:49Thank God our club president had enough nerve to complain and get her fired
11:53What are you doing?
11:59Well, Al was admiring this fishing rod this morning
12:03So when he comes in broke from poker, I like to leave it out
12:07You know, just to remind him of yet another thing he'll never get
12:11I hope they get home soon
12:17Steve and I usually go over our budget tonight
12:19It's getting late, maybe we should call
12:21We can't
12:23Al says there's no phone there
12:25Well, I'm glad Steve's out having a good time
12:32I know he doesn't gamble or anything
12:34But it's good that he's out there trying to meet new people
12:38Maybe he'll invite some of the guys over to our house
12:41Oh, yeah
12:42That would make for quite a stimulating evening
12:45I wonder which one he'll bring home
12:49Let's see
12:51There's Norris
12:52Who can make obscene sounds with his armpit
12:55He is naturally a welcome guest at any occasion
13:01Oh, and then there's Barney
13:03The man no deodorant could tame
13:06And if you're really lucky
13:11You'll get Russ the Invincible
13:13He hasn't met a toilet yet he couldn't overflow
13:16Poor Steve
13:24Yeah, these guys are a real bunch of losers
13:30Well, then Steve will just have to find some friends elsewhere
13:34Because if there's one thing my Steve is
13:37It's a winner
13:38How you doing, Steve?
13:43Are you okay?
13:46Come on, Steve
13:48You had a good time
13:49You met some good people
13:50And you lost $300 to a good friend
13:55I can't believe I lost my share of the mortgage payment
14:05What am I going to tell Marcy?
14:07Steve, you're a man
14:08Lie like a dog
14:10Tell her you got mugged
14:14We got jumped by four guys
14:15I fought off three
14:16But the little guy beat you silly
14:18And took you one
14:18You're enjoying this, aren't you, Al?
14:23Well, you're the one who had the rhythm of the game
14:26Was it my fault you couldn't stop mouthing your whole card?
14:32I gotta tell her the truth
14:34I got no choice
14:34Well, I wouldn't
14:36I have to
14:36She's gonna ask
14:37Here's what I do
14:38I walk in the door
14:40Before Peg can say a word
14:42Which means I gotta be quick
14:44I tell her how great she looks
14:46Then if it's real rough
14:48I grip my teeth and throw her a quick one
14:49She's so grateful
14:52She forgets what she's gonna ask me
14:54And even if she says something later on
14:56I'm asleep
14:57Can't do it
15:05Our relationship is based on honesty
15:08And the buns of Mel Gibson
15:15That is our perfect man
15:21Wait, we need a brain
15:24Why?
15:25It's a man
15:26Hi, honey
15:31Steve
15:33I was worried about you
15:36Did you have a good time?
15:38Well, you know
15:39Kinda
15:41You know
15:42Considering
15:44Oh
15:47Well
15:49I'm sure it was hard on you
15:51Being the only one there
15:52With the strength not to gamble
15:54Marcy
16:01I have to tell you something
16:04You look beautiful
16:13More beautiful than I've ever seen you
16:18Oh, Steve
16:21Your lips are like wine
16:23And I wanna get drunk tonight
16:24Badly
16:31But, Steve
16:33We need to finish our budget
16:35Damn the budget
16:37A man has needs
16:38Oh, Steve
16:40Has all this talk done something for you, Al?
16:53Yeah
16:54I'm thirsty
16:56Get me a beard
16:57Oh, Al
17:01So, uh, how'd you do tonight?
17:04Lose as usual?
17:06Yeah
17:06Oh, darn
17:09Now you won't be able to buy that beautiful fishing pole you wanted
17:13When will I ever learn?
17:30No
17:31Look
17:32You don't seem to understand me
17:34I want something that goes with this dress
17:38A bubbling cauldron
17:41You got a lot of nerve
17:47I need it
17:48To get this close to your feet
17:50Uh, hi, Al
18:02Hi, Steve
18:03How's it going?
18:04Hey, did Marcy ever bring up the budget again?
18:07Yes, Al, she did
18:08And every time she did
18:11I told her how beautiful she looked
18:12And showed her
18:15I showed her till 8 o'clock this morning, Al
18:20She's out cold
18:25And I don't remember how I got here
18:27Then it worked
18:30Yeah, but I'm afraid it'll never work again, Al
18:33I don't know how to ask you this
18:42But I gotta ask you for a big favor
18:44Whoa, Steve, I can't
18:46She's your wife
18:47I don't like touching mine
18:52Al
18:57I know this is something that isn't normally done
19:00But I was wondering if you could kind of give me my money back
19:05Wait a second
19:06This is over the line
19:08Okay, how about this?
19:10Just loan it to me
19:11You're just gonna take it back to the poker game next week and lose it
19:15Cause you stink
19:15I stink?
19:16I tell you what we'll do, Steve
19:19You're real good with money
19:21You know how to invest it and make it grow
19:23How much was it you said you needed to find those opportunities other people miss?
19:29$300, Al
19:31No, it was $5, Steve
19:33Make it grow, buddy
19:35This is how you treat me?
19:40This is how you treat a neighbor?
19:41This is how you treat a man who calls you friend?
19:44Yes, it is, Steve
19:45Give me the five
19:46Okay
19:49Okay, okay, okay, okay
19:51I need a plan
19:52Let's see
19:54I work in a bank
19:55If I took a quarter out of every quarter roll
19:57Why don't you do this, Steve?
20:00Why don't you go home
20:02Wake up, Marcy
20:03Say, hey, I lost all my money
20:05I screwed up
20:06I'm sorry
20:07And what's for dinner?
20:09That's what being a man's all about, Steve
20:11Making mistakes and not caring
20:13Yeah
20:16Well, I do care, Al
20:18Excuse me
20:21Could you spare some change for a decent meal?
20:25Thank you
20:29Thank you
20:30Hey, hey, hey
20:31Wait a minute
20:31Thanks
20:36Thanks a lot
20:38Sure
20:39Well, Steve, you're a real decent guy
20:44You're about as sharp as a bag of wet hair
20:47But you're a decent guy
20:49You know, Al
20:51That five dollars wasn't going to do anything for me
20:54But it'll do a lot of good for him
20:57See?
21:04I believe something, Al
21:05I believe that if you do something good
21:09Something good will always happen to you in return
21:12You'll see, Al
21:14You'll see
21:17Steve, it's been real nice having you here all day
21:37So, uh, as the hostess here
21:43I guess it's up to me to ask
21:44What are you doing here?
21:49Waiting for something good to happen?
21:51And it will, too
21:52I walked around most of the morning
21:55Nothing good happened
21:56But I know that when Al gets home
21:59Something good is going to happen
22:01Well, that'll be a first
22:05You know, I haven't seen Marcy all day
22:09Is she okay?
22:11Sure, I did all the work
22:13Are you okay?
22:21Oh, yeah, everything's fine
22:22Marcy decided to sleep in today
22:24And, uh, me
22:25I'm happy as a duck and orange sauce
22:28Oh, Marcy's light just came on
22:32She must be up
22:33Peg
22:37Listen very carefully to me
22:40I lost my paycheck to Al in the poker game
22:47He won't give it back
22:51Marcy's gonna kill me
22:54If she hasn't already
22:56How much did he win?
23:03Three hundred dollars
23:05I haven't had a new bra for two years
23:10And that baboon is sitting on three hundred bucks
23:14I'm gonna have to tell Marcy
23:16It's the right thing to do
23:18Yeah, you go tell Marcy
23:20And then bring her over here
23:22Al will be home soon
23:23And believe me
23:24You'll get your money back
23:26I'll see to that
23:27Really?
23:29Oh
23:30Oh, thank you, Peggy
23:31Thank you
23:32See?
23:34I knew something good was gonna happen
23:36So
23:39You lost again at poker, huh, Al?
23:43So
23:44I can buy a new bra when we can afford it, huh, Al?
23:49Enjoy Daddy's dinner
23:51Hi
23:58What's for supper?
24:01Filthy pig
24:02We had that last night
24:05Am
24:09Steve told me that you won his money in the poker game
24:13You cannot keep the money
24:15Where did this rule come from?
24:19When I lose, I lose
24:20You don't play cards and then sit down
24:23And when it's finished you say
24:24Hey, hey, hey, give me my money back
24:26That's no fun
24:27If that's the way it worked
24:29I may as well stay home with you
24:31You know, it's bad enough that you lied to me about winning the money
24:37But, Al, these are the only friends I've got
24:40I like having people to talk to
24:43You know, people that will come over to the house
24:46Even though you're here
24:47That makes them special, Al
24:52Now, I want you to give him back his money
24:55For me
24:56I can't
24:56I spent it
24:58Oh, Al, you are the lowest
25:00Now, what did you waste that money on?
25:04I got you this
25:06Oh, Al
25:10It's beautiful
25:13I love it
25:16Oh, honey, I don't deserve this
25:19I felt kind of bad about not ever getting anything
25:23Oh, you are the sweetest
25:26In the whole world
25:32Now, honey, I'm just gonna go upstairs and try this on
25:35And then I'll come make you a nice, juicy steak
25:38Just like the dog had
25:41Oh, it's priceless, Al
25:49Oh, it's priceless, Al
26:02No, it was fifteen bucks
26:04But you, my love
26:08Were two hundred and seventy-five
26:11Hang, I'll be down in the basement
26:14Okay, honey
26:16You better get that money back
26:24It's all taken care of
26:26Al
26:39Peggy
26:40Guys
26:50It's me
26:52Where's our money, Stephen?
26:58Parsi
27:01You look beautiful
27:04Thank you
27:07Thank you
27:09Thank you
27:11Thank you
27:13Thank you
27:15Thank you
27:27Thank you
27:28Thank you
27:44Thank you