Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 14 Malcolm Dates A Family
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00:00Get out of our neighborhood. We hate your guts.
00:09It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers, or the Verones.
00:13It's the Hacketts. Like this is going to bring their cat back to life?
00:17Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.
00:20I'll get the car.
00:30Every other Thursday night, we all go to Luigi's Pizza.
00:39They're the only two nights a month I don't cry myself to sleep.
00:43All right, all right, stop it!
00:46I said I get winner.
00:49Isn't it amazing?
00:51Every 14 days we magically turn into a happy family.
00:55And here's why.
01:00Luigi's Pizza is so good and not only brings out the goodwill that's buried deep inside of people,
01:26it momentarily creates goodwill that isn't even there.
01:30Another exquisite culinary experience, Alfredo.
01:49Doctor's order.
01:50Oh, Alfredo, you break this for me for the tip, please.
01:57Excuse me, what's this SV at the bottom?
02:00That's the service charge.
02:02Service charge? What's service charge?
02:05We had 15% for the service. We had a lot of people stiffing the waiters. We've been doing it for years.
02:10Forcing people to tip without telling them?
02:15We've been double tipping without realizing it all this time.
02:20There's a notice right here.
02:22That piddly little sign, that's what you used to justify it?
02:26Oh, no.
02:27Is this going to be shoe store bad or circus bad?
02:29I think it's going to be 10 items or less aisle bad.
02:33Is our car on fire?
02:34I think I hear sirens. We better go.
02:35You put up a little sign that nobody can read, and that gives you the right to steal?
02:42Where is the manager?
02:45I want to see the manager!
02:48Don't you give me that look.
02:50I probably won't see it for a while, Manolo.
02:53Lo siento mucho.
02:54And then she stood in the parking lot for half an hour waving cars away. My mom is horrible.
03:03My mom phoned me drunk on my birthday wanting money.
03:13I'm sorry, Stevie. I shouldn't complain. Your mom walking out on you was unforgivable.
03:19But you know what? Your real friends will never abandon you.
03:22Hey, Angela!
03:27Angela Pazewski. She's really cute.
03:31I think I might actually have a chance with her.
03:33For some reason, no one ever asks her out.
03:36Maybe she's so promiscuous, she intimidates all the other guys.
03:41Yeah, I'm going with that.
03:43Hello, Malcolm.
03:44Hi, Angela. I'm glad I caught up to you.
03:47I was thinking...
03:47You won't ask me out, don't you?
03:49Well, I was planning to mutter and stumble around for a few minutes first, but yes.
03:55You want to go to the spring dance?
03:57Let me save you the trouble.
03:59You don't want to go out with me.
04:01Because before you do go out with me, my family would have to approve.
04:05Which they won't do without giving you a gigantic third degree.
04:09So, why don't you just give up now and let me get on with dying alone?
04:15You're worried about your family?
04:17That's not going to bother me.
04:18Oh, yeah?
04:19My family is unbelievably intrusive, overbearing, controlling, and humiliating.
04:26Well, you were talking to the right guy.
04:30Francis!
04:31I want you to meet Jordan, your new assistant.
04:35A what?
04:35Thank you so much for this opportunity, sir.
04:38Sure.
04:39Will you excuse us?
04:42I don't need an assistant.
04:44But the boy needs a job.
04:46And I've filled every other position here two times over.
04:50Oh, please, Francis.
04:53I'm sure you can find something for him to do.
04:56Okay.
04:57I'll try.
04:58Thank you, Francis.
04:59I know I have a problem hiring too many people.
05:03But I'm getting help.
05:04I'm seeing three psychiatrists about it.
05:09I'm starting to forget what Luigi's pizza even tasted like.
05:13I told you not to brush your teeth.
05:17Hello.
05:18Yes, it is.
05:20Really?
05:24Really?
05:27Yes!
05:28Boys!
05:29Boys!
05:29It's the owner of Luigi's calling to apologize to your mother.
05:32Get your jacket!
05:34Lois!
05:35The pizza gods have answered our prayers.
05:40Hello?
05:41Hi, this is Lawrence Cabrissi, the owner of Luigi's.
05:45I heard about what happened, and I wanted to call personally to apologize.
05:49Oh.
05:50What exactly are you apologizing for?
05:55About the way that you were treated last Thursday, there's no excuse for it, and I couldn't feel more terrible about it.
06:02Well, that's very nice to hear.
06:04I am curious why it took two weeks to get an apology.
06:12I'm sorry, but you see, I just got in from Europe, and I haven't even unpacked yet.
06:17The point is that you and your family are valuable customers, and we really want to get you back in here.
06:23Well, I must say, this apology has surpassed my expectations.
06:28So, what kind of refund are you giving us?
06:35What?
06:36I figure we overpaid at least $300 over the years.
06:40Do you want to send us a check or some kind of gift certificate?
06:43Lady, we can't give you a refund.
06:45We don't have those kind of margins.
06:47If you can afford to pay for a trip to Europe, you can afford one-twentieth of that to make things right with a customer you cheated.
06:54There is no pizza god.
06:56Well, then, I doubt you care, but we are never, ever eating a Luigi's pizza again.
07:06At least we have closure.
07:07Okay, you asked for it.
07:12Don't say I didn't warn you.
07:13Look, I'm fine.
07:15I...
07:15This is my mom, my dad, my nana, Aunt Layla, Aunt Zvidmela, Uncle Zach, Nick, Max, and Alexandra.
07:28The rest are in the den.
07:29This is Malcolm.
07:31Welcome.
07:33Sit.
07:34Sit.
07:37So, you want to marry my daughter?
07:54What?
08:00I couldn't resist.
08:02I'm sorry to put you through all this, but our family is very protective of our little Angela, and we need to know what kind of boy you are.
08:14Well, uh, I'm just normal.
08:25I go to Angela's school, I get good grades, uh, I have a job three days a week at a drugstore with my mom.
08:32Um, never had a cavity.
08:46Did have all my shots.
08:48Religiously, I guess I would classify myself as a hopeful agnostic.
08:57I think the basic philosophical question is...
08:59Can we stop this?
09:01Look, he's a genius.
09:03He's the smartest kid in our whole school, but like, a lot.
09:07Really?
09:09Genius?
09:11Say something smart.
09:12Well, um, I'm doing a paper on cosmological inflation.
09:23It's a theory that says the reason the universe is so homogeneous is that right after the Big Bang, there was a short period of even more rapid growth than usual.
09:32I hope you mentioned the importance of scalar fields to the whole concept of symmetry breaking.
09:42Not to brag, but I did some pretty important work on this.
09:46Oh, please, until they actually find the Higgs particle, it's all just empty speculation.
09:51Yes, dear women.
09:54I'm okay with him.
09:56You okay with him?
09:58Nana?
09:59Eh?
10:00She loves you!
10:02All right, man.
10:03We're gonna see how much a boy your age can eat, and they'll be singing.
10:08And I have to warn you, we're very big Botticelli players in this family, so how's your medieval history?
10:16Okay, I guess.
10:17Malcolm's on my team!
10:23One sugar, just the way you like?
10:26Thank you, Jordan.
10:29Francis.
10:30Hi.
10:30I just got off the phone with my mother.
10:33She sounded really upset that you didn't send a thank you note for Christmas.
10:38I mailed it yesterday, sir.
10:39You sent a tasteful card with a pressed wildflower inside.
10:44I think you owe someone an apology.
10:47He's good.
10:50Allow me, sir.
10:57Cowboys!
10:58I want you guys' dinner!
10:59I want you guys' dinner!
11:04What's this?
11:05It's family fiesta night!
11:15I went to Mariachi's.
11:17I got four kinds of enchiladas, steak and chicken tacos, and a tray of empanadas.
11:22Welcome!
11:24No, no, are you kidding?
11:27I had a great time.
11:29Wednesday?
11:31Yeah, absolutely.
11:33All right.
11:34Bye.
11:34Who is that?
11:35Angel's dad.
11:37What's going on?
11:38You're right!
11:59We don't need music.
12:00We don't need music.
12:03We have chips.
12:05And the important thing is that we're all together enjoying some family time.
12:11So let's talk.
12:13Who's got a good story?
12:15Well, today my mom lost her mind.
12:18Great.
12:18Look, I went to a lot of trouble here, and I know you boys like this stuff, so what's
12:24the problem?
12:25Mom, any way you dress it up, it's not Luigi's.
12:28Luigi's pizza wasn't the point.
12:32The food is not what matters.
12:33What matters is that we're sitting here together enjoying each other's company.
12:38If you believe that, then why'd you buy all the Mexican food?
12:41Fine!
12:42Mexican food goes in the trash!
12:45No, I am not Copernicus.
13:02Did you isolate something which eventually killed you?
13:07No, I am not Madame Curie.
13:11This is so cool.
13:13When we play at my house, we can only use cartoon characters.
13:17Cartoon characters we saw that day.
13:20Okay.
13:21Do you believe in life after love?
13:27No, I am not Cher.
13:29I'll never beat him!
13:33You baked brownies?
13:35With walnuts, your favorite.
13:37You made this for me?
13:43This is awesome!
13:48This is so much fun.
13:49I love dating Angela.
13:52Where is Angela?
13:53She went over to her girlfriend's house an hour ago.
13:57Oh.
13:59Okay.
13:59Are the smaller ones better, sir?
14:05Very much.
14:07I don't have to open my mouth this far.
14:11What were you saying, Mom?
14:12They have been tacking on this 15% service charge for the last three years!
14:17I mean, I'm doing the right thing by boycotting them.
14:20Don't you think?
14:21I don't know.
14:22It sounds like you're making everyone else suffer for something only you care about.
14:26I don't know why I bother talking to you, Francis.
14:29Would it kill you to say something supportive to me when I'm obviously right?
14:33You're blaming me?
14:34You know what?
14:35If you were so certain you were right, you wouldn't be coming to me for reassurance.
14:41If you were so certain you were right, you wouldn't be coming to me for reassurance.
14:45I think we got her, sir.
14:51Let's not dwell on our victories, Jordan.
14:53My ears are feeling hairy again.
15:01I thought I would never smell that smell again.
15:04Mother's not coming home for two hours.
15:06That should give us plenty of time to eat it and destroy all the evidence.
15:09But I want to be clear on this.
15:11What we are doing here is not okay.
15:14It is morally reprehensible on every level.
15:18We should be ashamed.
15:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:21We hate ourselves.
15:23Now remember, boys, whatever happens, we are all in this together.
15:27Where's Malcolm?
15:28He's at his other family.
15:30More for us.
15:33I can't believe how much we ate.
15:38I can't believe how good it tasted.
15:41That was the taste of evil, son.
15:44Gooey, delicious evil.
15:48I know I've got to cover my breath, but the thought of even eating this breath just makes me want to throw up.
15:55We've forced ours down.
15:56Hey, everybody!
16:00I got dinner!
16:03It's from the Pizza Connection.
16:05I had to drive all the way across town to get it, but I figured I owe you boys something nice.
16:11I know how hard it's been going without Luigi's, and it means a lot to me that you're backing me up.
16:17There's cheese inside the meatballs.
16:27I never saw people get so passionate about the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum theory.
16:37I thought Nana was going to punch somebody.
16:39We had so much fun last night.
16:41I watched Dad Torch, his wedding album.
16:50Hey, Malcolm.
16:51Hey, Sarah.
16:52I just wanted to ask if you want to go to the spring dance with me.
16:55I know it's kind of late.
16:57Oh, wow!
16:58I'd love to.
16:58Great.
16:59So, I'll see you Friday?
17:01See you on Friday.
17:03Isn't it great when the girl asks the...
17:07Angela.
17:08I totally forgot.
17:10Oh, man.
17:11I've got two dates to the spring dance.
17:14It's sort of like that old episode of, well, every show.
17:19If you think about it, it's actually a pretty interesting challenge.
17:23I mean, Urkel did pretty well with the identical cousin trick.
17:26Until he got greedy and made himself a duke.
17:28And Patsy doesn't count because one of his turned out to be a dude.
17:33Stevie, are you even listening to me?
17:36Two girls.
17:38Two families.
17:40I don't have.
17:42Two lungs.
17:44What does that have to do with...
17:45People with your luck aren't allowed to be creeps.
17:53Just choose.
17:55Yeah, all right.
18:07Okay.
18:08It's 7.35.
18:09It's a five-minute bike ride to Luigi's.
18:11It'll take you one minute to order the pizza.
18:13Which means they should hand it to you at 7.56.
18:16I'll send your mother to the mall at 7.50 and we'll destroy the evidence before she gets back.
18:21You know, we're going to pay for this.
18:23We're going to pay big.
18:25Yeah.
18:26But we're not going to pay today.
18:29Whatever else it's done to me, this whole conspiracy has made me feel so close to my boys.
18:34Except for Malcolm and Jamie.
18:35They're not like us.
18:37Now go!
18:37Hey, honey.
18:47What are you doing?
18:49Are those car keys?
18:50I'm going down to Luigi's.
18:52What?
18:53Well, why would you do that?
18:55I'm giving up.
18:56I've inflicted this thing on all of you long enough.
18:59I'm going to go down there.
19:00I'm going to walk up to the counter.
19:01And I'm going to do right by my family.
19:05Over my dead body.
19:08What?
19:09You can't give up now.
19:10I thought we were a team on this.
19:12Hal, you've all been wonderfully supportive.
19:15But maybe enough is enough.
19:17The woman that I love has never thought that enough was enough.
19:20The woman that I love is not going to go anywhere near that place in the next hour.
19:25We believe in you, Lois.
19:27You have got to fight this.
19:33You're right.
19:34I will.
19:41Malcolm!
19:42Come in!
19:43Come in!
19:44Look who's here!
19:46Angela!
19:47Your boyfriend is here!
19:49I'll put the leaf back in the table.
19:52We can reenact the Battle of the Pardo with olives and celery!
19:57I can't stay.
19:58On Saturday, you and Angela must join us.
20:01The Taiwanese acrobats are in town.
20:04I don't think I can make it.
20:06Well, you and Angela can join us for movie night.
20:09And I won't take no for an answer.
20:12I can't.
20:14Why not?
20:16What's wrong?
20:17He's breaking up with me.
20:20Which I'm totally okay with.
20:22We haven't even talked in two weeks.
20:24What were you saying?
20:25Oh, no, it's nothing.
20:29You're breaking up?
20:32Just like that?
20:34Yeah.
20:36This is really hard.
20:39My life is kind of complicated right now, and I just need my space.
20:43But I really want us to stay friends.
20:47Friends!
20:50It's not you, it's me.
20:52The past few weeks have been great, but...
20:54Please don't.
20:56No, really.
21:00You know how amazing you guys are?
21:05Look, Angela's gonna date a lot of guys.
21:08That are much better than me.
21:09No, you're being patronizing.
21:13Just go.
21:14I'll see you around?
21:28We both know.
21:30That's not how it works.
21:31This butter's just sitting here like a cube on my toast.
21:43It's not...
21:45Doing that thing that Jordan does.
21:49Spreading?
21:50Yeah!
21:50Francis, this has to stop.
21:53I like the flowers you had Jordan send me,
21:56and the poem he wrote was very sweet.
21:58But you're turning into a helpless infant.
22:01If Jordan hadn't wandered in on you in the men's room yesterday,
22:05you'd still be stuck in there.
22:07I would have figured it out.
22:11Not that I wouldn't have.
22:13You're right.
22:14I'll let him go.
22:15It's for the best.
22:19Jordan!
22:20There's something I have to talk to you about.
22:23The thing is...
22:24You need to let me go.
22:26Well, yeah.
22:28And you...
22:29You feel terrible about this,
22:30but you can't keep me,
22:32even though I've done an outstanding job.
22:34Yeah.
22:35I'm...
22:35Sorry.
22:36Of course you are.
22:37But you've written me a wonderful letter of recommendation,
22:39and let me thank you in advance
22:40for the muffin basket you'll be sending me.
22:42It's not too expensive,
22:44but I will appreciate the thought.
22:46Goodbye, sir.
22:52Goodbye.
22:52Goodbye.
22:53It's best to squeeze now, sir.
22:55Come on, come on.
22:59Sit down.
23:00Too bad Malcolm's at the dance.
23:02He's gonna miss this.
23:03What is it?
23:04I was ready to give up on my war with Luigi's,
23:06and then your father inspired me to take action.
23:10So yesterday, I called Clyde on your side.
23:13Who?
23:13You know, that consumer guy on Channel 5.
23:16They're doing a whole expose on Luigi's.
23:19They told me it was gonna be on at 10-23...
23:21Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
23:22Here it is.
23:23This may look like a friendly neighborhood pizza parlor,
23:27but thanks to an alert tipster,
23:29we discovered that this hangout
23:31could be hanging you out to dry.
23:34Alert tipster, that's me.
23:35It turns out this eatery
23:37adds a secret 15% service charge to every tab.
23:42I want to be clear.
23:43This does not reflect on the Italian people,
23:46most of whom are hardworking, decent Americans.
23:51But for the cadre of tricksters here at Luigi's,
23:54we've got a tip for you.
23:56Clean up a you act.
23:59Who are the victims in this scam?
24:02Senior citizens on a fixed income,
24:05local teens after a dance,
24:07and, of course, the biggest price is paid by the children.
24:11Oh, my God!
24:13That traitor!
24:15How could he betray the trust of this family,
24:18especially you, Lois?
24:19Doesn't he know what you've been fighting for?
24:22Yeah, that betrayer!
24:23Look at him shove that pizza in his mouth
24:25right there in the restaurant
24:26when we get to sneak ours in the garage!
24:29What?!
24:30This isn't just the sad story of one restaurant.
24:34All right.
24:34I was saving this until I needed it.
24:38Dad, there's a five-minute imitation of you on the toilet.
24:42I'll show you a videotape if you're willing to deal.
24:49Turns out breaking up with Angela was a terrible mistake.
24:53It's sad.
24:54Sometimes you don't realize what you had
24:56until you throw it away.
24:59Who the guy?
25:01Malcolm!
25:02Hey!
25:03What are you doing here?
25:05I was just in the neighborhood,
25:07and I was thinking maybe...
25:10You guys look great.
25:13This is really awkward.
25:15Oh!
25:19Yes.
25:21I'm the Earl of Sandwich.
25:24Yay!
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26:02Transcription by CastingWords