Murphy Brown Season 8 Episode 9 The Ten Percent Solution
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00:00Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, and you must...
00:06...have forgotten part of your morning routine.
00:09No, I don't think so.
00:11Anyway, I'm Cal, your new secretary. What can I do for you?
00:15Well, for starters, would you file this in Lapland for me?
00:20I see. You're put off by my nudity.
00:24Well, just give it some time. Before you know it, you won't even notice I'm naked.
00:29What? Don't you think you're wearing a really badly pressed beige suit?
00:33What the hell do you think you're doing?
00:36I am a nudist, Ms. Brown.
00:39I don't share society's pathological fear of the uncloved human form.
00:44I like my body. I like myself. And I have nothing to be ashamed of.
00:48Okay, fine, whatever. Oh, by the way, you got a little cream cheese on your chin up here.
00:53Oh, my God, I do.
00:55I can't believe I left a house like this. Don't, don't look at me!
01:02It's bad enough that you fire them, Slugger. Do you have to take the clothes off their back, too?
01:05Oh, Murphy, I could really use your help on this piece. Do you have a minute?
01:08Well, no. Actually, my agent's coming right up. I have to fire him. But after that, I'm free.
01:13You're firing your agent?
01:14I have no choice. I ask for things they don't get done. I call him. It takes him two days to get back to me.
01:20Yesterday, I had lunch with Tom Brokaw. He told me that in one week, his agent got him a PBS documentary, a book deal, and the right not to cover a Ross Perot convention, should there ever be one.
01:31An agent doesn't do stuff like that for me.
01:34Oh, sure, Murphy. God forbid you focus all your energy on this show. The show that made you. The show that pays you six times as much as I make.
01:42Six times? I thought it was eight times. You see why I need a new agent?
01:46Hi. Okay, so what's your game plan?
01:49My what?
01:51Your game plan? Murphy, you were going up against an agent. Conventional weapons are useless against them.
01:56Frank's right, Murphy. Every time I tried to get rid of my first agent, he'd beg and plead and cry, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
02:03But then, he got hit by a panel truck. That was it. But I don't think you should count on that happening to your guy, Murphy.
02:11Well, I'd like to contribute to this great fest, but I can't. I've been with Jack Stanfield for 25 years, and I'm proud to call him my agent.
02:21Why, do you know we've had breakfast every Thursday morning since the day I signed with him?
02:26Oh, sure, Jack probably should have gone straight to the hospital that morning with the kidney stone, but he hung in there eating his breakfast and screaming in agony until the check came.
02:36Because that's just the kind of man he is.
02:40Listen, thank you for your advice, but I've got everything under control.
02:43Okay, but remember, if he backs you into a corner, all you have to say is, I just need a change.
02:49I just need a change?
02:51Yeah, there is nothing he can say to counter that. You see, like if he says, oh, no, no, but you can't fire me. I'm just ready to close this big deal for you. You say, I just need a change?
03:01I just need a change.
03:02Oh, yeah, right, Frank. I'm gonna be sure to use that. Listen, I've hinted around a lot. Steve knows this is coming.
03:07Hi, Murphy.
03:08Oh, Steve, hi. Um, I think you know everybody?
03:12Yeah, hi, everybody. Murphy, uh, do you mind if we step into your office? I'd like to get this over with as fast as possible, if we could.
03:22Oh, sure.
03:25Steve?
03:26No, no. Murphy, you, save your breath. It's mea cult that time. Look, uh, I want you to know I don't blame you for feeling the way you do about me.
03:44Well, you're really making this easy for me.
03:47Well, you know, there's no reason this has to be any more painful than it already is. So, here.
03:56What are these?
03:57I know, I know. You wanted sideline seats. These are luxury boxes. That's why it took so long. No, no, no.
04:02Steven Murphy Brown asked for redskin tickets. You're supposed to deliver them on time. End of story.
04:08Ooh, I'm glad I got that off my chest.
04:11Ooch, I gotta run. I got a screening. Give me a little ring-a-ding-ding if there's anything I can do to lead-do.
04:16Well, actually, here's one ring.
04:18Well, Murphy, if you want to thank me for the tickets, it's really not necessary. They come from a place called love.
04:25Listen, Steve, this is a little awkward, but, uh, I'm gonna be looking for a new agent.
04:31Oh, yeah, right. I'm fired.
04:35Oh, no! How am I gonna pay for my new house?
04:38How am I gonna pay for my new Mercedes?
04:40Oh, I'm ruined! I'm ruined!
04:44Oh, Murphy, you're a stitch. You know what you are? You're a pistol.
04:48No, Steve, really, I'm firing you.
04:51Oh, my God, how can you do this to me?
04:53How am I gonna pay for my new house? How am I gonna pay for my new Mercedes?
04:57You don't return my calls, you don't keep me informed, and you don't listen.
05:01Right, no, I know. So now that I know that, let's just move on from here.
05:05No, no, no, no.
05:07But why? Why? Why? Why?
05:11Why? Uh, because...
05:16I just need a change.
05:20A change?
05:21Yeah.
05:22Okay, fine, I understand.
05:24Great.
05:25I'll change.
05:26No, no, you don't understand.
05:27No, no, I do understand. You need a change, so I'll change.
05:30I'll become exactly the kind of agent you want me to be.
05:32You know what I'll do? I'll start working for you.
05:34You know, um, right now...
05:35So, let me use your phone right now. Let me...
05:38No, just a couple of calls...
05:39I'm firing you. It's nothing personal.
05:43Nothing personal?
05:45How can you say that to me?
05:47My God, woman, I was there in the delivery room by your side while your baby was being born.
05:53Oh, you weren't?
05:54No, I wasn't. I wasn't because...
05:58I respect your privacy too much. That's why...
06:01All right, look, Murphy, I wasn't going to say this, but I guess I got to.
06:05Um...
06:06I just found out that my wife's having an affair.
06:08Oh.
06:09I know, I know.
06:11I never would have believed it of Brittany either, but it's...
06:14It's true, and it hurts.
06:16It hurts me a lot, Murphy.
06:17And it was with the pool guy.
06:19No, that's...
06:20Right, cliche, right?
06:21But that's evidently how cliches happen, because in real life things happen and then they...
06:24Steve, you don't have a pool.
06:25I don't have a pool.
06:26I don't have the space for a pool.
06:28But right there, that is the exact kind of bluffing I use when I'm negotiating for you.
06:34And believe me, Murphy, believe me.
06:36You don't, uh-uh, want to lose that.
06:40No, uh-huh, I do.
06:43Because...
06:45I just need a change.
06:48I just need a change.
06:50I just need a change.
06:51Well, fine, so do I, okay?
06:54Because you know something, baby?
06:56You got no talent, okay?
06:58You're nothing without me.
07:00I made you.
07:02Look, look at these magazine covers.
07:04I got you these.
07:05These are mine.
07:06Mine.
07:07Mine.
07:09Mine.
07:11And these are for clients only, Missy.
07:15I see.
07:22So, how'd it go with Steve?
07:24I just need a change.
07:30Oh, there you are.
07:31Well, Steve just dropped by with another delivery.
07:33Oh, geez.
07:34Not again.
07:35I don't understand.
07:36Does he really think he can win you back with presents?
07:38I mean, today, it's muffins.
07:39Yesterday, it was a basket of brownies.
07:41Monday, it was a gigantic Toll House cookie.
07:45Gigantic Toll House cookie?
07:46I don't remember getting a gigantic Toll House cookie.
07:49You swore to us that you were just carrying that cookie down to Murphy's car,
07:52and we believed you.
07:56Well, guys, I hate to break it to you, but snack time is over.
07:59As of today, I am the proud new client of Jack Stanfield.
08:03You signed with my agent?
08:04Well, yeah.
08:05The way you were raving about him, I decided to check him out,
08:08and you were right.
08:09Everything about him is better than Steve.
08:11Although, considering Steve's car has an I Am Sexy license plate,
08:14that's not hard to do.
08:16Well, how about that, Jim?
08:18You and Murphy have the same agent now.
08:20Yes, that's splendid, really.
08:22Really, really, that's splendid.
08:26You know what's great?
08:27Jack's already making a difference.
08:28He looked at my contract and said I should be getting a lot more money.
08:32In fact, he said they should be coughing up so much money
08:35that if a bunch of network wonks don't get fired, he didn't do his job.
08:39On behalf of all network wonks, may I just say, yippee.
08:44And another thing? Jack thinks I should have a higher title.
08:46How does senior anchor sound?
08:49It sounds like my title.
08:52Yeah, well, there's still a few things to be worked out,
08:54but that's just for service.
08:55Come on, you guys.
08:56Come get a load of this.
08:57Come on.
08:58Come on.
08:59Get a load of this.
09:05What is it, Murphy?
09:07Jack got me an automatic door.
09:09It opens and closes just like that.
09:11Well, I think of all the man hours you'll save.
09:19All right.
09:20Now, this time, everybody outside.
09:21Go on.
09:22Go, go.
09:23This will be great.
09:28Okay.
09:29So what else did you do?
09:30Nothing.
09:31I just gotta make some calls.
09:36I don't know about the rest of you,
09:37but I've always felt half the fun of having a door was the knob.
09:42Firm, cool, roundness in your hand.
09:44Satisfying click as it yielded in your turn.
09:49Well, I suppose that's progress for you.
09:59Hey there, Murphy.
10:00Hiya, Phil.
10:01I'm meeting somebody here for us.
10:02Wait, wait, wait.
10:03I bet I can tell you who.
10:04You're not ready yet, son.
10:05No, no, no.
10:06It's okay.
10:07See, I'm working on this whole inside information thing that Pop's so good at.
10:11Okay.
10:12Check this out.
10:13You fired your old agent.
10:14You hired a new agent.
10:15You're meeting him here this morning to talk about a business opportunity that just came up.
10:19Wow.
10:20That is very impressive.
10:22You better keep an eye on this guy, Phil.
10:24He's gonna give you a run for your money.
10:26It's real nice of you to say, Ms. Chung.
10:28I wish I could say the cow kicked in my head as a kid, but Phyllis won't let me anymore.
10:45Murphy.
10:46Sorry I'm late.
10:47Kathleen Sullivan called me Nicole Schwitt from a pie shop and she needed someone to talk her down.
10:55That's okay, Jack.
10:56I understand I'm not your only client.
10:58As long as I treat you that way.
11:00Exactly.
11:01I gotta freshen up and then you will have my undivided attention.
11:05I'll take a three egg omelet, a double side of sausage, and an English muffin, heavy on the butter.
11:11Hey there, Jim.
11:12Jim?
11:13Oh, hello, Slugger.
11:14Everything okay?
11:15Well, I suppose.
11:16It's just that for the first time since I've known him, Jack Stanfield stood me up for our regular Thursday morning breakfast.
11:33Can you imagine?
11:34Isn't your breakfast with Jack every other Thursday?
11:37Oh, no, I assure you it's every Thursday and it's always the same with Jack.
11:42Same time, same corner booth, same breakfast.
11:45Three egg omelet, double side of sausage, and an English muffin, heavy on the butter.
11:50No, isn't that funny?
11:52That looks just like the breakfast Jack always orders.
11:55And that looks just like Jack's trench coat.
11:58That looks just like Jack.
12:00Jim!
12:02Oh!
12:04Oh, I see.
12:05Murphy and I needed to talk, didn't you get my message?
12:08No.
12:09No, I didn't.
12:10Well, no harm, no foul as they always say.
12:13Oh, listen to me going on and on when you two have important matters to discuss.
12:16Oh, wait, Jim.
12:17Why don't you just stay and have breakfast with us?
12:20Yeah, sit, sit.
12:21Let me tell you, this one's a real dynamo, Jim.
12:25She's actually got me working for a living.
12:27Almost makes me feel like I'm stealing your money.
12:30All right, Jack.
12:31Now, let's talk turkey.
12:32What have you got lined up for me?
12:33And I don't mean maybes.
12:34The McLaughlin Group?
12:35This week, you're booked.
12:36Did you hear that, Jim?
12:37The McLaughlin Group?
12:38The McLaughlin Group?
12:39The McLaughlin Group?
12:40The McLaughlin Group?
12:41The McLaughlin Group?
12:42The McLaughlin Group, you say?
12:43This week?
12:44I thought I was doing the McLaughlin Group this week.
12:45Oh, you are, but they needed a last-minute replacement, so naturally I thought of Murphy.
12:46Oh, wait, wait, wait.
12:47McLaughlin Tapes on Fridays?
12:48I've got editing on Fridays.
12:49Oh, my, too bad.
12:50Maybe some other time.
12:51Oh, no, wait.
12:52You schedule that.
12:53Never mind.
12:54I'm fine.
12:55Super.
12:56Then I won't have to be the only representative from FYI.
12:58Boy, won't that be fun.
12:59Hey, what do you say we carpool?
13:00Splendid.
13:01Who needs to be the only representative from FYI?
13:02Boy, won't that be fun.
13:03Hey, what do you say we carpool?
13:04Splendid.
13:05Who needs to be the only representative from FYI?
13:08Boy, won't that be fun.
13:10Hey, what do you say we carpool?
13:13Splendid.
13:14Who needs all that silence and time for quiet reflection?
13:18Not me.
13:19I'll bring my James Brown tapes.
13:21All right, now, Jack, let's talk.
13:24I have it on good authority that Katie Couric gets to keep all the food they make on the Today Show.
13:30How come I don't have that in my game?
13:32And another thing, I hear that Barbara Walters gets to see you as a company.
13:35See, Jim, I told you we'd get here on time if you let me take the wheel.
13:41Yes, I just didn't realize you were going to take it while we were hurtling down the beltway.
13:45Well, the Baron has never gone over 55 before.
13:48Come to think of it, he's never gone over a median strip before either.
13:54Hey, I wanted to beat the train.
13:56Besides, I know that we're happy with you on the world, Pam.
13:59Well, I suppose we could find our seats here.
14:03Oh, excuse me.
14:05Sorry.
14:06Do you want to sit here, Jim?
14:08Well, I do sit here occasionally.
14:10Oh.
14:11Well, where do you sit the rest of the time?
14:13Here.
14:14Well, Jim, well, then it's your chair.
14:17I'll just sit somewhere else.
14:18Well, don't.
14:19Come on, Murphy.
14:20It's just a chair.
14:21It belongs to no one.
14:22Please, sit.
14:23Okay.
14:24Murphy Brown?
14:25John McLaughlin?
14:26Hi.
14:27Jim Dial?
14:28I think you know everyone.
14:29Helena Cliff?
14:30Fred Bond?
14:31Hello.
14:32Jim's chair?
14:33Okay.
14:34We're about to go.
14:35Jim, you know the drill.
14:36Murphy, relax, have fun, and don't be afraid to be aggressive.
14:39Hmm, aggressive.
14:40That's a little bit of a stretch for me, but I might be able to pull it off.
14:42From the nation's capital, the McLaughlin Group, an unrehearsed program.
14:47Presenting inside opinions and forecasts on major issues of the day.
14:50Here's the host, John McLaughlin.
14:52Issue one.
14:53Will you still love me when I'm 74?
14:56That 72 is by the way.
14:57Don't be afraid to be aggressive.
14:58Don't be afraid to be aggressive.
14:59Don't be afraid to be aggressive.
15:00Hmm, aggressive.
15:01That's a little bit of a stretch for me, but I might be able to pull it off.
15:02From the nation's capital, the McLaughlin Group, an unrehearsed program presenting inside
15:04opinions and forecasts on major issues of the day.
15:07Here's the host, John McLaughlin.
15:10Issue one.
15:11Will you still love me when I'm 74?
15:15At 72, is Bob Dole too old to be president?
15:20Freddie the Beatle Bond.
15:22Well, John, as far as I know, there's a minimum age requirement for the presidency, but not a maximum one.
15:28Well stated, Fred.
15:30What do you think, Jim?
15:31Don't touch that dial.
15:33Well, I believe a man should be measured by the passion of his ideas, not the number of candles on his birthday cake.
15:40Age is no barometer of a person's abilities.
15:43Well, George Abbott was directing Broadway musicals when he was 101.
15:47Oh, come on, Jim.
15:48I think there's a little more at stake staring down a foreign dictator than, say, getting the male chorus of Oklahoma to act more like real cowboys.
15:56That's not exactly what I said.
15:59Wrong.
16:00You said it.
16:01Murphy called it.
16:03Issue two.
16:04Three is the loneliest number.
16:07The California three-strikes sentencing law.
16:10Should it be adopted nationwide, Eleanor Clinton?
16:13No.
16:14Each crime should be judged separately based on its severity.
16:17Jim Doyle.
16:18Well, I think more studies should be done to see if it's a fair and effective deterrent.
16:22Wrong.
16:24Murphy, I'm the only one that gets to use wrong.
16:29It's just that it's been proven that the three-strikes law needlessly clogs the courts.
16:34Issue three.
16:35Give me your tired, your poor, your huddle masses, not immigration.
16:44In light of rising numbers of illegal immigrants, should the federal government put further limits on legal immigration?
16:51Freddie Barnes.
16:52Absolutely.
16:53The social security system is buckling under the weight of our population as it is.
16:57What are you saying?
16:58The fact that we should just automatically shut the door on anyone who wants to enjoy the same freedoms as we do?
17:03If anybody knows about automatically shutting the door, Murphy, it's you.
17:08What's that supposed to mean, Jim?
17:09Oh, I think you know.
17:12Issue four.
17:14Why is size so important?
17:17American companies are slashing jobs to increase profitability at a record rate.
17:23Is corporate downsizing good or bad in the long run, Eleanor Clift?
17:29I say slash the bloated salaries of the CEOs and use the money to put more Americans back to work.
17:36Murphy Brown, your thoughts?
17:37I agree with Eleanor.
17:38If we take the salary...
17:39Oh, sure. Take, take, take.
17:40That's your answer to everything, isn't it?
17:42Take salaries from the CEOs.
17:44Take profits from the shareholders.
17:45Take someone's chair.
17:46Take someone's agent.
17:47What's the difference to you?
17:49Oh, I see what you're getting at, Jim.
17:51But you're wrong.
17:52This isn't about taking.
17:53This is about sharing.
17:54Exactly.
17:55Oh, that's such rubbish.
17:56Jim makes a very good point.
17:58Although, I'm not so sure about that agent point.
18:02Well, I am sure, and I have been for the past 25 years.
18:06But is that taken into consideration?
18:07Oh, not for a NEMSA.
18:09Of course it was taken into consideration.
18:11Although, how a breakfast could be that important to anyone.
18:14Issue five.
18:15What in blazes are Jim and Murphy talking about here?
18:21We'll try to clear that up right after this commercial break.
18:25Okay, Jim, what the hell was that all about?
18:27I don't know what you mean, Murphy.
18:28I was just engaging in a round table discussion of the issues of the day.
18:33There's a lot of problem with my going with Jack.
18:35You had plenty of time to tell me.
18:36I did tell you.
18:37When?
18:38Well, not in so many words, but my body language couldn't have been clearer.
18:42Oh, give me a break.
18:43I can't be expected to pick up on your every twitch and grimace.
18:47Wrong.
18:48Body language is an effective means of communication.
18:52Although it often is ambiguous and subject to many different interpretations,
18:57if you have something to say, why not just say it?
19:00Eleanor, don't be ridiculous.
19:01If people said what they truly thought,
19:03civilized society would cease to function.
19:06Fred, that is so nature.
19:08Would you guys knock it off?
19:09We're in commercial.
19:12One thing is perfectly clear.
19:14This situation can't continue.
19:16Jack is simply going to have to choose which one of us he wants as a client.
19:19That's fine with me.
19:20And as far as picking up on body language, Jim,
19:23see if you can pick up on this old favorite.
19:28And we're back.
19:29Issue six.
19:30Yes, sir.
19:31That's my baby.
19:32Middle East piece.
19:33Other sides too far apart.
19:36Ever to come together.
19:45Come in.
19:50Oh.
19:52It's you.
19:53Yes.
19:54I want to congratulate you.
19:55On what?
19:56Well, I haven't heard from Jack, so I assume he chose you.
20:01Well, I haven't heard from him either, so I figured he chose you.
20:05Oh.
20:06Well then, good day.
20:08Jim, wait.
20:09Don't.
20:11I still got this automatic thing.
20:13I can do it myself.
20:15Hold on, Jim.
20:16If you were that upset about my going with Jack, why the hell didn't you say something?
20:25Well, I can't do that.
20:27I'm not a confrontational person.
20:30It's just out there to die away.
20:32You think that's healthy?
20:33Of course not.
20:34My father died three days shy of his 50th birthday of hypertension and was buried in a coffin a foot too short because my mother didn't want to make a scene at the funeral home.
20:45Well, Jim, if you don't speak up, how is anybody supposed to know what you're thinking?
20:50You're my friend.
20:51You're just supposed to know.
20:53You're also supposed to know when you're invading areas of my life where you may not be welcome.
20:58Grabbing everything in sight like some demented winner of a supermarket shopping spree.
21:03Oh, I love your dad.
21:05Baby pigs suckling at their mother's teat to show more restraint.
21:10You've known me for 20 years and you're just realizing that now?
21:13Oh, and you've known me for the same amount of time and you're just finding out that I...
21:20Have trouble expressing your feelings?
21:23Your words, not mine.
21:27Baby pigs?
21:29I'm sorry.
21:31I wanted to hurt you.
21:36Jim, you know, I can't fight with you.
21:38It's just not fun like it is with other people.
21:42That hasn't exactly been a rootin' tootin' good time for me either.
21:46Okay, I tell you what.
21:48In the future, I promise to try to be not so grabby and aggressive.
21:55If I give you my word, I'll try to be better about expressing my feelings and speaking my mind.
22:03This isn't gonna work at all, is it?
22:05Not a chance.
22:06Maybe it'll be okay. I mean, we've known each other for 20 years and it's only happened once.
22:16Actually, twice in 20 years. If you count the time you accompanied Doris and me on our romantic weekend getaway to the Poconos.
22:23Yeah, now that I think about it, you did make a face when they wheeled my cot into your room.
22:29Murphy, I've got a message here from Jack Stampy, you think?
22:34Ooh, hear me.
22:36Oops. I mean, for me?
22:38Oh, my.
22:41I almost forgot.
22:42Well, I'm sure he picked you.
22:44Why not? You're the hot new client after all.
22:48He picked you, Jim.
22:50He did?
22:51Congratulations. I think you made the best choice.
22:54Well, I'm shocked.
22:56I would have wagered anything that...
22:59Oh, wait a minute. He picked you, didn't he?
23:03You're just saying you picked me so my feelings won't be hurt.
23:06No, I didn't lie, Jim. Why would I lie? No, sir, he picked you. Yes, indeed.
23:10Boy, I'm supposed to be the grabby one.
23:13But what do you know? He really did pick me.
23:16Yeah, yeah. You couldn't have at least let me pretend to be noble?
23:19Jack picked me, not you.
23:22Me, me, me, me, me!
23:27You know, Jim, certain emotions are better kept to yourself.
23:34Hello, Murphy.
23:36Steve, what are you doing here? You know it's over between us.
23:40Oh, oh, I'm sorry. You think I'm here because of you.
23:45Wow.
23:47Uh, somebody grabbed the ropes on that ego.
23:50No, Murphy, uh, I'm here for a big network meeting. A very big, big network meeting.
23:59Is that true?
24:00No, absolutely not. Not a woman.
24:02But that's the kind of bluffing that you're missing.
24:04So what do you say, are Murphy B. and Steve Arena back in business? Huh? Murphy? Murphy!
24:12Ow!
24:14Murphy, I'm unemployed. I have no health insurance. I'm living in my car.
24:20Ha ha ha!
24:21Oh!
24:22Oh!
24:23Oh!
24:25Oh!
24:26Oh!
24:27Oh!
24:28Oh!
24:29Oh!
24:30We got it!
24:31Oh!
24:33Hey, hey, hey!
24:34Oh!
24:36We're big, hey, hey!
24:37Oh, oh!
24:39Oh, no!
24:41Oh, oh!