Murphy Brown Season 8 Episode 2 The Awful Truth
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00:00Well, give me your strength, man.
00:06Our show, The Next Wave, it's gone.
00:11Canceled. Finito. Gone.
00:16I know.
00:17And you're not devastated?
00:19Not really. Running two shows was starting to wear me down.
00:22Great. I was just carrying on for your benefit.
00:25You know, I get paid the same way to my butts behind an anchor desk in D.C.
00:29or on a beach chair in Cabo.
00:32Hey, Corky.
00:34You shot the Caymans.
00:36That's where Corky and I got married.
00:38Been there, done that, bought the soundtrack.
00:41No, I'm looking to...
00:43Rewind.
00:49You and Corky are married?
00:51Uh-huh.
00:53Well, Corky, I don't get it.
00:55You want to sleep with me, but you go and hit the sheets with Miles?
00:59Miller, don't take it personally.
01:00I'm not sleeping with him either.
01:04You know, we really don't have to advertise that to everybody.
01:08So you're married, but you're not sleeping together.
01:12Boy, Miles, I got to not have sex with her, and all I had to do was buy her dinner.
01:17Frank, I walked into the bookstore, and there it was.
01:23A floor-to-ceiling pyramid of Newt Gingrich books.
01:26Sounds like a nightmare.
01:28No, no, no.
01:28It wasn't, actually, because if you yank just the right one, you can make the whole thing come crashing down
01:33and wipe out a Rush Limbaugh book signing to boot.
01:36Hello, FYI.
01:41Hello, Mr. Lansing.
01:43You all know my nephew, Andrew.
01:45Hello, FYI.
01:48So, Mr. Lansing, what brings you down to our cheap-to-produce yet very respectably-rated news magazine?
01:54Well, I have an official announcement to make.
01:57As of today, you will all be reporting to young Andrew here.
02:02He is my new vice president of current affairs.
02:08Affairs, huh, Sam?
02:09Yours or the network's?
02:12Was that some sly pun about the alleged infidelities that ripped apart my marriage, Fontana?
02:20What was it, Fontana?
02:23Well, I...
02:25Because I find it amusing.
02:28I mean, who likes a man who can't laugh at himself?
02:30Ha, ha, ha.
02:32That was a good one, Frankie.
02:35It gave us all a nice big chuckle.
02:40Never touch them.
02:44Now, since he was handpicked by me, I'm sure you will all treat him with the respect that he deserves.
02:52Jim!
02:52Yes, Sam?
02:54Nothing.
02:54I just couldn't remember your name there for a second.
02:58Andrew, give him hell.
02:59Whatever you say, Uncle Stan.
03:01Well, must be a little bit odd for you people to have me as your boss.
03:07Really?
03:07I don't see why.
03:08Well, when I worked here before as Miss Brown's secretary, you all hated me.
03:12Frank even thought I tried to kill him.
03:17Miss Brown.
03:18So, Andrew, quite the quick rise up the corporate ladder, I see.
03:22Oh, thank you, Miss Brown.
03:24But I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, and of course, my uncle's shameless nepotism.
03:29To be sure you go, your kindness will not go unrewarded.
03:33If you'll take a peek into your office, I think you'll be pleased at what you see.
03:38Okay.
03:40Maria Shriver's not bound and gagged in there or anything, is she?
03:43Would you like her to be?
03:44No!
03:45Andrew, a new computer with CD-ROM and a color laser printer.
03:55So that's what was in those big boxes.
03:59I am impressed.
04:00I'm merely trying to repay a debt.
04:03I only hope I can do it within my lifetime.
04:06Hmm.
04:07I wonder who those could be for.
04:13Say, Andrew, listen, I was thinking maybe you and I should do lunch one of these days.
04:17You know, just get reacquainted.
04:19Lunch.
04:20That's cute, Frankie.
04:22Real cute.
04:28For every parent who's ever...
04:30Oh, great.
04:31Just put it right there between the espresso machine and the hydro foot massager 2000.
04:36Andrew gave you a foot massager?
04:38Yep.
04:38An electric one with tiny vibrating knobs that make the world disappear with a flick of a switch.
04:45Isn't it great to have a friend upstairs?
04:48Andrew is not a friend.
04:50Andrew is...
04:51a spawn.
04:54A spawn from the fiery bowels of hell.
04:56Hey, you know, Murphy.
04:58Shave that weird little hat of his and you know you'll find a 666 on it somewhere.
05:03I don't know what you all are.
05:04You are...
05:05You are cynics.
05:06Always looking for the worst in people.
05:09Me, I'm...
05:09I'm an optimist.
05:10I just see the best in everyone.
05:13You've been using that foot massager habit here.
05:17Yes, I have.
05:19Miss Brown, may I have a word?
05:21Oh, Andrew, listen.
05:22Thank you for the gifts.
05:24Especially the hydro 2000.
05:26Oh, aren't those vibrating knobs just heaven?
05:28Andrew, what was it you wanted to say?
05:32Because I already left a message with your secretary.
05:35I'm size 8 in Armani.
05:37Emerald's green out of my eyes.
05:38And I've been to Paris, but I'd love to go back.
05:42Actually, Miss Brown, it pains me to even hear these words leave my mouth.
05:46But I have a huge, huge favor to ask you.
05:49Here it comes.
05:50Stay back, sir.
05:52You know, Frank, there's a bureau job opening in one of those crazy Middle Eastern countries.
05:57Are you interested?
06:03As I was saying, Miss Brown, I have a favor to ask you.
06:06But the word no even crosses your lips, and this whole thing is deader than disco.
06:13My uncle wants to launch another news hour, and he wants you on it.
06:17He wants me to do a second show?
06:19Oh, I know.
06:20Who needs the headache?
06:22I mean, sure, Dan Rather does it.
06:24Diane Sawyer and a dozen people much less talented than you.
06:28I mean, here's their talent.
06:30And here's your talent.
06:37But come on, let's face it.
06:39This type of long-form documentary-style journalism went out years ago.
06:45Long-form documentary?
06:47Hmm, that's interesting.
06:49Of course, that would be a lot of work.
06:50Hmm, that's what I told Uncle Stan.
06:53But then I got to thinking that maybe we could pair you with someone.
06:57But who?
06:58Who would have the kind of stature to share a desk with you?
07:03Well, it is a sparse field when you look at it.
07:07Of course, the name.
07:08Cronkite came to mind.
07:10Cronkite?
07:11Trust me, Andrew, the chances of Cronkite returning to this network are about as great
07:16as Pat Buchanan twirling the baton in a gay pride parade.
07:22Well, then he must have been lying when he said to my uncle he would love to work with you.
07:28He said that?
07:29Really?
07:30But what am I thinking?
07:32If you're worried about too much responsibility,
07:35how is getting stuck with some wrinkled-up old has-been going to help?
07:39Well, actually, if you're looking for someone to do a show with Cronkite...
07:42I'm sorry.
07:43Were we having a conversation?
07:44You know, Andrew, it is asking an awful lot of me,
07:55and I mean an awful lot,
07:57but I just might be able to help you out
08:01and be part of this Brown Cronkite report.
08:06Don't tease me.
08:07I'm not.
08:08Don't tease me.
08:10I'll do it, Andrew.
08:11Oh, there must be an angel missing in heaven, Miss Brown,
08:15because you are here on Earth.
08:19How can I ever thank you?
08:20Um, well, there is the shiatsu thing I saw in a catalog.
08:23It will be in your office tomorrow.
08:25Oh, my uncle will be so pleased.
08:30Let's see what those other vice presidents
08:32had to write about me in the executive washroom now,
08:35dirty-mouthed little cowards.
08:41Miss Brown.
08:49Hi.
08:50Hi, Andrew.
08:53Listen, there's a slight problem with Walter.
08:56Oh, well, you wouldn't go for the title, huh?
08:58Well, that's no biggie.
09:00I can live with the Cronkite-Brown report if I have to.
09:05Actually, Miss Brown, he backed out.
09:08What?
09:08Walter backed out?
09:11Oh, I know I've let you down, Miss Brown.
09:14But I have already conducted an exhaustive search
09:17for a replacement,
09:18and I think we can consider ourselves lucky.
09:20Yeah?
09:22Extremely lucky.
09:24Also, who we're talking about here?
09:25Mike Wallace?
09:27Uh, unavailable.
09:29Ed Bradley?
09:30Mm.
09:30Contract problems.
09:31Connie Chung?
09:32Not quite ready to do the pairing thing again.
09:35Oh, you, then.
09:37Who'd you get?
09:39Hey there, anchor buddy.
09:43You've got to be kidding.
09:45Okay.
09:46I know this isn't exactly what we discussed,
09:48but Uncle Stan really wants this to happen.
09:51Well, then he better call the show 60 Seconds,
09:53because that's about how long it'll take
09:55for me to kill Blondie here.
09:56You know, if she doesn't want to do the show with me,
09:59I don't want to do the show with her.
10:01Hey, listen, why don't you team me with one of those sexy headline news chicks?
10:05Or what about that glib guy from Friends?
10:07He's good.
10:07Why don't you go buy yourself a candy bar?
10:11Sorry, but you don't get rid of Miller Redfield that easily.
10:14Here's a dollar.
10:14Okay, then.
10:17So what I'm hearing is you won't even consider doing a show with Miller.
10:24Not even if the show involved whacking him with a stick.
10:28Well, that's clear, and all I can say is thank God.
10:32Why?
10:32I told Uncle Stan this was a bad idea,
10:35but it's like he was crazy.
10:37I'm afraid for my uncle, Miss Brown.
10:40He's old.
10:41Sometimes he talks, and there's no one there.
10:44Are you saying Stan's senile?
10:47Shh.
10:49Stockholders.
10:50Truth be told, Miss Brown, my loyalties are with you.
10:53You, you, you.
10:55And if that means calling my uncle and interrupting his vacation,
10:58then so be it.
10:59Bartender, bring me a phone!
11:02I'm sorry, Sonny.
11:04You must be confusing me with someone
11:06who doesn't have a bat with a spike in it behind his bar.
11:12May I borrow the phone, please, sir?
11:17Local call?
11:18Of course.
11:27Hello, Honolulu Hilton?
11:29Yes.
11:30Room 617, please.
11:32Mahalo.
11:32Hello?
11:34Uncle Stan?
11:36Yes, it's Andrew.
11:38Oh, I'm sorry to have woken you, sir.
11:41Yes, my mother taught me how to tell time.
11:45Listen, I'm here with Murphy,
11:47and I've just run the Redfield scenario by her,
11:49and I'm afraid it's a no-go.
11:51I know it's important to you, sir,
11:52but I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with her on this one.
11:56Uh-huh.
11:57Uh-huh.
11:58Excellent.
11:59Well, I think that's the way to go.
12:00Well, that sounded good.
12:02So what'd he say?
12:03He says, if you don't do it, I'm fired.
12:06Where is he?
12:07Where is he?
12:08Did I miss Cronkite?
12:09We all missed him, Frank.
12:10He's not doing the show.
12:12Lansing wants to replace him with Miller.
12:13It went from Cronkite to Miller?
12:18Man, that stinks.
12:19It sounded like such a great opportunity.
12:21It certainly did.
12:23But she can't do a show with Miller.
12:25I mean, Miller's talent is here,
12:27and Murphy's talent is here.
12:31You know, you put the two of them together,
12:33she would blow him right off the set.
12:35And where would that leave her?
12:36Starring in a whole news hour all by herself.
12:42What are you saying, Frank?
12:43That this might actually be a blessing in disguise?
12:46Could be.
12:47Really?
12:48You think so?
12:50It would be pretty amazing, Murph.
12:53Miller self-destructs,
12:54and you know he will.
12:56You'll have your own show.
12:57Hmm.
12:58The Murphy Brown report.
13:00It's a smart, incisive,
13:03essential viewing.
13:05It sort of does, doesn't it?
13:08Too bad it will never happen.
13:10Why not?
13:11Oh, please.
13:12I wouldn't let you deface yourself
13:14by appearing with that puff pastry.
13:16Not even for the four or three
13:18or even one show it would take
13:20to prove to my uncle
13:21that you would be better off without Miller.
13:23A show?
13:24Ha!
13:24I'd be surprised if we even got through
13:25the first rehearsal.
13:27In fact, this might be the thing
13:29that finally drives that nit-lit
13:31off the network.
13:32Ooh, how devilishly clever.
13:34You're giving me chills.
13:38Follow your Uncle Andrew.
13:39Tell him I'll do it.
13:41Thank you, Miss Brown.
13:42Your kindness leaves me speechless.
13:45I would kiss you if I wasn't convinced
13:47it would be horribly uncomfortable
13:48for both of us.
13:49It would, wouldn't it?
13:51I thought so.
13:57In an ongoing effort,
13:59I told you, Miss Brown,
14:00this walk-through might be a tad premature.
14:03We'll go on the air in two days, Andrew.
14:05Don't you think I ought to see the set?
14:06Of course you should.
14:08Would you stop all the noise, please?
14:10Miss Brown wants to see the set.
14:13Now, we start the show right here
14:15with you and Miller doing intros
14:16behind a couple of podiums.
14:18I wouldn't nail his to the floor
14:20if you know what I mean.
14:21Hey, be careful, you oafs.
14:25That's a $6,000 sofa.
14:26I got it for $4,000 sofa on a hard news show?
14:31I know, it's not the conventional choice,
14:33but it does make the viewer feel at home.
14:36It says,
14:37Hello, welcome to our show.
14:39Won't you sit down and make yourself comfortable?
14:42Mr. Johnson,
14:43here's the copy for Miller's segment
14:44on the hot new comedies on CBS.
14:47Isn't that sort of blatantly self-promotional?
14:50Oh, no.
14:51It's a very critical look
14:53at the hot new comedies on CBS.
14:55Now, here's something I think you really can't watch this.
14:59Tough trivia of our times?
15:00I don't remember discussing this.
15:02Well, it's a last-minute addition.
15:04You and Miller asked the audience
15:06hard questions about the news.
15:09Who won the 1980 election?
15:11Reagan.
15:12What scandal brought down
15:14the Nixon administration?
15:16Watergate.
15:17Who won World War II?
15:19We did.
15:21Who wrote these questions?
15:23Forrest Gump?
15:25Well, the audience won't have the answers
15:28right in front of them.
15:30Besides, research shows
15:32that people feel happy and smart
15:34when they can answer questions correctly.
15:36Research shows people like free money
15:38and public executions,
15:39but that doesn't mean we have to give it to them.
15:41Besides, won't it be a little jarring
15:43going from all these puff pieces
15:44to my indictment of the lack of health care
15:46for low-income families?
15:47Well, there are those who thought
15:49that your piece sounded like a bit of a downer,
15:51so we're going to save it
15:52for show number two or three.
15:53What?
15:54I worked like hell on that piece.
15:56I can't find another half-hour story
15:58by our air date.
15:59Not to worry.
16:00We've got a great solution.
16:01An in-depth interview with...
16:04Linda Carter!
16:09Linda Carter?
16:11Linda Wonder Woman Carter?
16:15I am not happy, Andrew.
16:17I am definitely not happy.
16:20Well, frankly, my dear,
16:22I don't give a damn.
16:23What the hell is this?
16:27They're our costumes for the promos.
16:29Aren't they, a gas?
16:30You know, the network is rerunning Scarlet,
16:32and Andrew thought it might make
16:33for a fun tie-in.
16:35Hey, listen.
16:35Have you heard our new music yet?
16:37Ronald, can you roll the theme song?
16:46Hold it!
16:47Stop it, Ronald!
16:48What planet are you on?
16:52I signed up to do a serious news out
16:54with Walter Cronkite,
16:56and now suddenly I'm stuck
16:57with a confederacy of dunces here,
17:00interviewing Wonder Woman
17:01on some foofy set,
17:03wearing some cheesy old costumes
17:04left over from a Carol Burnett show skit.
17:08I tell you something, Junior.
17:10I'll be clinking Coke cans
17:11with Clarence Thomas
17:12before I do this infotainment crap.
17:16I've got the fence.
17:18What if we switch costumes?
17:22Butt out, Rhett.
17:26Oh, this is all my fault, Miss Brown.
17:29Uncle Stan insisted on these changes,
17:31and I was just too weak to say no.
17:34Oh, curse my wretched weakness!
17:37Well, I will be party
17:39to this travesty no longer.
17:41I'm calling my uncle right now.
17:42He can fire me if he wants.
17:44Yeah, well, make it snappy.
17:45Hello, room 617, please.
17:51Yeah, yeah, mahalo.
17:53Hello?
17:54Uncle Stan?
17:55It's Andrew.
17:56Listen, about Miss Brown's new show,
17:58forget the changes.
17:59We're going back to the original concept.
18:02No, you listen to me!
18:04Uh-huh.
18:05Yes.
18:07Well, you have a point.
18:08It's a good point.
18:09I don't think so.
18:10He's in one of his moods.
18:11I don't...
18:11No, no, no, no!
18:15Uncle Stan has a tone.
18:16The tone will be
18:173, 23,
18:18and 20 seconds.
18:23I can explain.
18:29Uncle Stan!
18:30What the hell are you doing?
18:33You know,
18:34barging on a man
18:35when he's taking a schvitz?
18:37It's Murphy, Uncle Stan.
18:39She's gone crazy.
18:40Murphy crazy?
18:42Yes.
18:42Word on the street
18:43is she's hitting the hoots again.
18:45Murphy!
18:46See what I mean?
18:47She's crazy at the loots.
18:48Did I call security?
18:52Another one barging in here.
18:53What is this?
18:54Bring a friend to the schvitz day?
18:56Ha!
18:59So Stan's in Hawaii, huh?
19:01What the hell is going on here?
19:03I'll tell you what's going on, Stan.
19:05Your new VP promised me
19:07an hour show with Walter Cronkite
19:08just so he could sucker me
19:10into an infotainment show
19:11with Miller Redfield.
19:13God, it's hot in here.
19:15And he's not even sweating.
19:17What species are you?
19:20Is this true, Andrew?
19:23Well, I do have very fine pores.
19:25What about the show?
19:28The show was all Murphy's idea.
19:30Don't deny it.
19:31It was all you.
19:32You, you, you.
19:33Oh, yeah.
19:34Like I'm really gonna put myself
19:35in a hoop skirt.
19:37See what I mean?
19:38Hoop skirt?
19:44Andrew.
19:46All right, it was all me.
19:48Me, me, me.
19:50Why, Andrew?
19:51Why would you do such a thing?
19:53I wanted to show you
19:55I could be a good
19:56network vice president.
19:57Ah, the only good
19:58network vice president
19:59is a dead network
20:00vice president.
20:02But when was I gonna
20:03know about this?
20:04Was I gonna see it
20:05on television?
20:06What other surprises
20:07do you have for me?
20:10You'll find murder
20:11she wrote on Thursdays
20:12this year.
20:15Thursday!
20:16That's a good one!
20:18He's a comedian!
20:20I'm sorry, Miss Brown.
20:23I guess I did
20:24a bad thing.
20:26A bad thing?
20:28Aztec human sacrifice
20:30was a bad thing.
20:31This was inexcusable.
20:33I was just trying
20:34to make a name
20:35for myself.
20:36I thought that
20:37if I could get someone
20:38of your enormous magnitude
20:40on a show
20:40that I created,
20:41well, what bigger
20:42cool could there be?
20:44Well, I can't argue
20:45with your logic,
20:46but still.
20:47Ooh, this is nice.
20:50You understand him,
20:51he understands you.
20:53Yes, I will take him
20:54out in the woodshed
20:55and spank his tushy
20:56for what he did.
20:57So then we can become
20:58one big happy family again
21:00and I can get back
21:01to having a solo schmitz.
21:04Please!
21:05But you're still
21:05the question of the show.
21:07What question?
21:08I hate it.
21:09She doesn't want to do it.
21:11Besides, Miller and Murphy,
21:13I don't see it.
21:14Ah-ha!
21:14So this is where you are.
21:16Oh, good, another one.
21:18Maybe there are some people
21:19down in the counting
21:20who haven't seen me naked.
21:23You know,
21:24there's a whole crew
21:25waiting for us
21:26and these clothes
21:26are getting really itchy.
21:28So take them off.
21:29You look like Ted Turner
21:30at a CNN costume party.
21:32Oh, yeah?
21:33Well, you look like
21:34Jane Fonda
21:34at a CNN costume party.
21:37If she forgot
21:38to wear a costume.
21:41Were you born like this
21:42or did they have to
21:43pump the air
21:44into your head?
21:46First of all,
21:47it wasn't my head,
21:48it was my lips.
21:50And it wasn't air,
21:51it was collagen.
21:53Wait a minute!
21:55This Banta!
21:57Now I see it!
21:59Moonlighting meets
22:00Prime Time Live!
22:03Andrew, you're a visionary.
22:05Forget about it!
22:06You're not gonna team me up
22:08with this idiot!
22:08Hey, hey, hey, I resent that.
22:11By the way,
22:12has anyone else noticed
22:13how hot and steamy it is
22:15in this funny little office?
22:17Why don't you go down
22:18to maintenance
22:19and find out what's wrong?
22:21Okay, Chief.
22:22And Murphy,
22:23if you don't do this,
22:25you'll regret it.
22:26Maybe not today,
22:27maybe not tomorrow,
22:29but soon
22:29and for the rest
22:30of your life.
22:32Where's the answer?
22:33Blanker, you twit!
22:37Unlike my nephew,
22:39I am not gonna
22:39try to snow you.
22:41I mean,
22:41how could I?
22:42I've been in this room
22:4340 minutes,
22:44I'm lucky that
22:44my heart is still beating.
22:46To stick you two
22:48on an entertainment show
22:50truly is
22:51the stupidest idea
22:52to come down the pike
22:53since they canceled
22:55Laverne and Shirley.
22:58But you're a
22:59who does bring in viewers,
23:02and you are much too valuable
23:04to only do one show.
23:06Do you think people
23:07really are seeing
23:08as much as you
23:09as they'd like?
23:10Well,
23:11not according to
23:12America Online.
23:13So,
23:15why don't we forget
23:16Big House doing crap
23:18and do a
23:19serious news show?
23:21You can do those
23:22long, boring stories
23:24that get you
23:24so hepped up.
23:26And I'll tell you what,
23:27if it doesn't work out
23:28in, say,
23:29six weeks,
23:30I'll pull the plug
23:31on it myself.
23:33Six weeks,
23:34I'm not happy
23:35it's gone.
23:36I give you my word.
23:37Okay,
23:38I'll do it.
23:39Good!
23:40Ooh,
23:40you're like a puddle.
23:42Listen,
23:42why don't you go
23:44call Barbara Walters
23:45and tell her the news?
23:47I bet she goes
23:48crying to her
23:48fancy-scrancy
23:49new bosses
23:50Michael and Michael
23:51at Disney.
23:54You know,
23:55Andrew,
23:55you could learn
23:56a thing or two
23:56from your uncle.
23:57He's a class act
23:58all the way.
24:00Oh,
24:00but,
24:01but,
24:01but,
24:01Murphy,
24:02you embarrass me.
24:03I'm blushing.
24:04And that,
24:05my clumsy little nephew,
24:06is how you
24:07manipulate someone.
24:10You're the wing
24:11beneath my wings,
24:12sir.