Malcolm In The Middle Season 3 Episode 6 Health Scare
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00:00Let's get started.
00:30Al, did you replace that light bulb in the kitchen?
00:38What does that look like I'm doing?
00:42Yes, no, maybe
00:45I don't know
00:49Can you repeat the question?
00:53You're not the boss of me now
00:56You're not the boss of me now
00:59You're not the boss of me now
01:01And you're not so big
01:04You're not the boss of me now
01:07You're not the boss of me now
01:10You're not the boss of me now
01:12And you're not so big
01:15Life is unfair
01:27Here we are, Bernard.
01:29This is my cage
01:31Are you serious?
01:36Mom, Dad, this is Bernard
01:39He's the hamster from my class
01:41Remember, it's my weekend to take care of him
01:44Do we please?
01:45This isn't a good time
01:46I just want you to see how good I could be at taking care of him
01:49Just like how good I would be at taking care of a dog
01:52I don't know if I mentioned that all the other kids in the neighborhood have dogs
01:58Honey, your father and I need to talk
02:00I saw a nice one at the pet store
02:04He's half great Dane and something else
02:06And I could name him Jeff and...
02:08Go play in your room!
02:09Okay
02:11I'll put your cage right here, Bernard
02:19Sorry I talked about wanting a dog in front of you
02:23Is your brain big enough to get your feelings hurt?
02:29Me neither
02:29But don't worry, I'll still take really good care of you
02:33Bernard?
02:36But, Hal, I thought you were just getting a routine checkup
02:59Well, that's when they usually find these things
03:01Oh, can't they do anything?
03:02No, not until they get the bleopsy back
03:04There you are
03:11You can't call that a shortcut
03:17A shortcut has to be shorter
03:19Says who?
03:20Says the word
03:22No, a shortcut is just when you don't use regular streets
03:25So, according to you, it would take 150 years across the street
03:29Just as long as you went through some bushes and trees
03:32That would qualify as a shortcut?
03:35God, you hate being wrong
03:37Hi, Mom
03:39Hi, Dad
03:41What is wrong with you?
03:42Look at that floor!
03:44Oh, sorry
03:46How many times have I told you
03:48Don't track mud into this house?
03:50We'll clean it up
03:51We'll clean it up
03:52That's not good enough!
03:53You're grounded for a week
03:54What?
03:55You can't do that
03:56Just some stupid footprints
03:57You want to be grounded for two weeks?
03:59Dad
04:00You hurt your mother
04:01This is ridiculous!
04:03You're being totally unfair!
04:04Just because Malcolm got mudded on his shoes and thoughtlessly tracked you through the house
04:09Doesn't mean he should be grounded
04:11Dad, go to your room!
04:12Now!
04:13What is her problem?
04:18Mom and Dad
04:20Their lives are so boring
04:21They have to invent stuff to be upset about
04:28Are you the biggest idiot to ever walk this earth?
04:33Good morning
04:34What did I tell you to do, jackass?
04:37To paint the kitchen?
04:39Which I'm doing?
04:40What kind of a moron paints a kitchen white?
04:43You want to see all the dirt?
04:45What did they teach you in college anyway?
04:48For your information, I'm a high school dropout
04:51And I used the paint that you set out for me
04:54I moved that paint so you could get to the green, idiot
04:57Now you're gonna do this over
04:59I don't care if you're here all night doing it
05:01What?
05:02That paint you wasted is coming out of your pay
05:07Maybe I should just paint it the same color as your dye job
05:17What?
05:18He didn't say anything
05:21I said
05:22Maybe I should just paint it the same color as your dye job
05:26You sagging, leathery, hatchet-faced, dried-up old hag
05:33Alright, college boy
05:35You want it, you got it
05:37I'm gonna kick your ass
05:39Excuse me?
05:40I'm kicking your ass
05:42You don't ever disrespect me like that
05:44Francis, what are you doing?
05:45You can't challenge Lavernia to a fight
05:47I didn't challenge anybody
05:49Hey!
05:50Lavernia's fighting college boy!
05:54We got an opening Sunday at 2 before mass
05:57Sunday, 2 o'clock
05:59Your ass, my foot
06:01This is insane
06:02There's no way I'm gonna fight a woman
06:04If I don't mind, why should you?
06:09Wow!
06:10You see what you did there?
06:11She as much as called him a woman
06:14Oh, it's gonna be a bloodbath!
06:16Yeah, you're right, Dewey
06:17When was the last time we played ball?
06:19Yeah, you're right, Dewey
06:21When was the last time we played ball?
06:36you're right Dewey when was the last time we played ball I don't know sometimes life just
06:50gets away from you and you forget the things that are really important
06:54this is crazy I have enough in my mind without worrying about you boys and your shenanigans
07:06but mom you and your brother are not to leave this room I don't want to see you I don't want to hear
07:11you I don't want to so much as sense your presence for crying out loud Reese there's a mirror right
07:19there believe me I am gonna watch that door like a hawk what's her problem this can't just be about
07:32the mud there's something else going on what have you done lately Richardson's fire the project's
07:39windshield Sampson's fire the Jackson's fire I think she knows about this sucks well if you can't do the
07:49time then don't do the crime see you Monday hey moron do you know what tomorrow night is
07:56Christine Maxson's party what that's this weekend yeah and her sister Gina's bringing all their
08:03friends from Catholic school I love those girls I hear they tongue kiss whether they like you or not
08:09it's like shaking hands to them it's some kind of cultural thing we have to go
08:14Reese if I show you a way we can go to the party do you promise never to let anyone find out
08:23even though you're an idiot I swear okay I was saving this for a life-or-death emergency
08:33or a really really good party help me
08:38no way not hitting mom with that Reese tomorrow night after everyone's gone to bed
08:53we take out the floorboard and sneak outside through the crawl space
08:57wow tunneling out of her own room she can't lock us in anymore mom's powerless
09:05yeah now she's just a crazy old lady we happen to live with
09:10thanks Dewey
09:38there's Dewey let's hurt him fellow idiots yes I hate him for his handsomeness
09:48hi Dewey
10:00hi Lance what do you know it's Bernard
10:04let me see him you can't have him that's all right I can wait next week is my turn to have him we're gonna have a lot of fun
10:30fun
10:36you cannot keep the hamster he belongs to the class
10:40but he won't be safe
10:42Dewey I know you take good care of him but you have to share him with your friends
10:46Lance is not my friend he tore Billy's shirt off after school and
10:52he killed a frog and brought to school and showed everybody
11:02I said no do you want to be grounded like your brothers
11:08you
11:10man I've never seen Lavernia that's worked up for a fight
11:14you mean she's done this before
11:16in the two months I've been here she's fought five guys
11:20consider yourself lucky you got some warning you know big Don from accounting
11:24the guy with one ear
11:26yeah he was going to the privy and she dropped on him just like a spider
11:32what is wrong with her we're just having a stupid little argument
11:36how did it suddenly turn into a fight
11:38that's how we settle things up here
11:40and there are three other fights scheduled for tomorrow
11:42or
11:44Ned cut in front of Daryl at the mass line
11:46well I hate to disappoint you guys
11:48but I'm not fighting Lavernia
11:50really
11:52are you sure
11:54no no
11:56he'll fight her
11:58no I won't
12:00thank you
12:02hey fellas
12:04it looks like we're gonna have us a cowards
12:06to tell you
12:08I'll get the dogs ready
12:10I'll sharpen the pinch digger
12:11wait wait wait
12:12what are you talking about
12:13look
12:14fighting is the only entertainment we get up here
12:16you've seen our TV reception
12:18so if somebody cheats the boys out of a fight
12:21they have a
12:22coward's cotillion
12:24what the hell is a coward's cotillion
12:26oh it's always a little different
12:29you never know what kind of animal the blood's gonna attract
12:33so my choices are I have to fight a woman
12:36or do this stupid cotillion thing
12:39well
12:40well
12:41there's
12:42always the
12:43hottie stranger
12:45the
12:56you know
12:57you know
12:58you
12:59you know
13:00you know
13:01How can they make us wait another 24 hours?
13:20Apparently they're shorthanded at the lab.
13:22I can't be, Hal. Don't they realize this is someone's life?
13:31Don't worry, Bernard. This is for the best. I'm setting you free.
13:37You won't have to worry about anyone being mean to you anymore.
13:44Come on, Bernard. Run. Run like the wind.
13:56You have to do this, Bernard. It's for your own good.
14:02I'll be okay.
14:13Go on. I don't want you anymore. I don't like you. I never did.
14:24Go on. Go on, you dumb old hamster.
14:31Bye, Bernard.
14:38Booby-trapped. A broom handle tied to a string of tin cans. A classic.
14:44You know, if Mom ever trusted us, I think she'd be pleasantly surprised.
15:01Yeah, we're basically good kids. She's so unreasonable.
15:10You almost ready?
15:11Just a sec.
15:13Will you come on?
15:14Will you come on?
15:26Remember, if anyone asks, I'm a junior in college.
15:29You come on.
15:32You are a junior in college.
15:33You are a junior in college.
15:35I don't know.
16:05I don't know how lucky you are.
16:36Everything is new. Everything is open to you.
16:39Please don't ever take that for granted.
16:42Make every moment the best you possibly can.
16:49God, I am so proud of all of you.
16:52Your kids are the best thing I've ever done.
17:02You'll never know how much I love you.
17:05You'll never know how much I've ever done.
17:10Maybe you're not supposed to.
17:13Sleep well, my little angels.
17:19This was amazing.
17:34I made out with a sophomore.
17:36I am so far ahead of schedule.
17:38Did you see that TV set flat the roof into the pool?
17:41That was me.
17:49Man, I hope you get grounded next week.
17:51How dare you!
18:08How dare you defy us like that!
18:11Well, we wouldn't have had to if you hadn't been ridiculously hard over a little mud on the floor.
18:16You two are the most ungrateful, badly behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born.
18:23How could you be so heartless?
18:25What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
18:30Be cool.
18:30You were at a party while we were here worrying?
18:36Can I have a napkin?
18:38I cannot believe you two!
18:40All right, that's it!
18:43You are grounded for the rest of the school year!
18:47You can't do that!
18:48You're crazy!
18:50You do not talk to your mother that way ever!
18:53You will show her nothing but the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!
18:59This family sucks!
19:01You are ruining our lives!
19:03I wish you were dead!
19:15What was that all about?
19:17I don't know.
19:18She usually just says, I'm taking you with me.
19:21Lavernia, I want to tell you something.
19:29Well, talk it too.
19:30No, I'm going to tell you this right now.
19:34I hate your guts.
19:35You are the most horrible person I have ever met.
19:39You are mean, sadistic, twisted, and spiteful.
19:42And I owe you an apology.
19:46Because what I said to you didn't have anything to do with that.
19:49It was just a cheap shot about your looks, and you don't deserve that.
19:52No one deserves that.
19:56You're right.
19:59What the hell are we doing this for, anyway?
20:04This isn't going to solve anything.
20:05We're just putting on a show for a bunch of slack-jawed idiots.
20:09I don't know if you think you have to prove something to them because you're a woman, but you don't.
20:14You came up here all alone, and you built a successful business in this god-awful place.
20:20You have accomplished plenty.
20:23Oh, my God.
20:25You're coming on to me.
20:27What?
20:27Well, you better peddle your sugar to somebody else, because this bee ain't buying.
20:32What?
20:33The last thing I need is some young punk frolicking in my nethers.
20:38You don't listen to...
20:40I try to talk to you.
20:43Ew!
20:47Do you hear anything?
20:50Mom's still crying.
20:52Did she ever go to sleep?
20:54Well, at three, she went from sobbing to a quiet whimper.
20:58I'm telling you, she's just trying to psych us out.
21:01I don't think so.
21:03I mean, when was the last time you heard dad yell and mom cry?
21:07You're right.
21:09Something really weird is going on.
21:11They've been whispering a lot, too.
21:12I just figured it out.
21:18Oh, no.
21:20Oh, no.
21:20I've never seen her like this.
21:38What do you expect?
21:39The boy tried to jump in bed with her without so much as a hidey-do.
21:44Dude, she's killing you.
21:46Do something.
21:47I will not hit a woman.
21:49Well, then, here.
21:51Take this.
21:51Who is this?
21:52Screwdriver.
21:53Jab and twist.
21:55I'm not using the screw.
21:57Yeah!
21:58Yeah!
22:04Fight!
22:06Back!
22:07Fight!
22:08Back!
22:10But Bernie, he's up on the boy.
22:12His only crime was loving you.
22:15You disgust me.
22:16You better run home to mama so she can kiss your tears away and make you cocoa and tell you...
22:24For your information, my mother's a tormenting control freak, and it would never even occur
22:32to her to make me cocoa.
22:33Oh, my God!
22:34You're going down, college boy.
22:53Bring it on, you toad.
22:55give back!
22:57Ah!
22:59Those who are white!
23:01Ah!
23:04Ah!
23:07Ah!
23:08Ah!
23:12Ah!
23:13Ah!
23:14Ah!
23:14Ah!
23:15Oh!
23:19Oh!
23:19Ah!
23:19Ah!
23:20Ah!
23:22Ah!
23:22Ah!
23:23Oh, no.
23:47Matt, Daryl, you're up.
23:49Somebody help me clear this floor.
23:53All right, I'll get the camera.
24:11Remember, if anyone at school asks, your name's Bernard.
24:15You like carrots and having your tummy scratched.
24:18Oh, no, I didn't know.
24:23No, I've been waiting for hours.
24:26Now, please give us some information.
24:29Negative?
24:31Negative!
24:32That's a good one, right?
24:34Yes, thank you.
24:36Oh, God.
24:37Oh.
24:37If Mom does a load of blankets, I'll bring you a friend.
24:50Mom, Dad, we have something to say.
24:52We know why you've been crying so much, Slitley.
24:57You don't have to protect us from this.
24:59We think getting a divorce is a great idea.
25:03What?
25:04You don't have to stay together for us.
25:05We've known for years your marriage was a sham.
25:08I mean, clearly your relationship isn't working.
25:11Mom, you need someone who's going to control you better.
25:14And Dad needs someone younger.
25:16You both deserve some happiness.
25:18In fact, I think we all do.
25:20Ain't many of that.
25:24So I guess we should be going to a motel with Dad or something?
25:27Our bags are packed.
25:28And don't worry, Mom, you'll still be part of our lives.
25:31We'll see you every other weekend,
25:33and feel free to call us any time.
25:39We've already discussed it.
25:43I get full custody.
25:50We'll see you next time.
26:20We'll see you next time.
26:21We'll see you next time.
26:21We'll see you next time.
26:22We'll see you next time.
26:22We'll see you next time.
26:23We'll see you next time.
26:23We'll see you next time.
26:24We'll see you next time.
26:24We'll see you next time.
26:25We'll see you next time.
26:26We'll see you next time.
26:26We'll see you next time.
26:26We'll see you next time.
26:27We'll see you next time.
26:27We'll see you next time.
26:28We'll see you next time.
26:29We'll see you next time.
26:29We'll see you next time.
26:31We'll see you next time.
26:31We'll see you next time.
26:32We'll see you next time.
26:33We'll see you next time.
26:33We'll see you next time.
26:33We'll see you next time.