Malcolm In The Middle Season 3 Episode 5 Charity
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00:00I can get up just fine if somebody didn't turn off my snooze alarm.
00:03That alarm went off every six minutes for an hour.
00:06What are you doing?
00:07I'm getting in, Lois.
00:08You are not.
00:09You will get your shower when I'm finished.
00:18I don't think I'll be able to come in today.
00:21I've got a pretty severe fever, scratchy throat, cough.
00:30Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, can you repeat the question?
00:41You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now,
00:49and you're not so big.
00:52You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now,
00:58you're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
01:05Life is unfair.
01:07No, no, no, wait, no, no.
01:20Give me that.
01:23No, no, no, wait, no, no.
01:32Hi, boys, got a second?
01:35You boys really have a pretty good life.
01:38Uh-oh.
01:39You spend your days flying kites, playing video games.
01:43It's about time you found something to do to enrich your lives.
01:46Why do we have kites?
01:47I could never live with myself if my boys grew up to be selfish little pigs.
01:51So, I decided to volunteer you to do a little charity work.
01:56You can choose between helping old people or helping poor people.
02:04Or I can make you do both.
02:06Okay, old people.
02:08What can be hard about old people?
02:11Poor people, we want poor people.
02:13Poor people, we want poor people.
02:21Hi.
02:23I'm Francis.
02:24Mr. Price said I should see you.
02:29I can't believe how cold it is up here.
02:34Of course, it is Alaska, but still, you'd think they could dome the place
02:38or put tunnels in between the buildings.
02:40So, you must know my buddy, Eric Hansen.
02:45He's the one who set up the logging job for me.
02:51Do you give out the axes?
02:53Because I'm a lefty, if that makes any difference.
02:57What's that?
02:58It's a broom, genius.
03:00Now grab an apron, sweep out my pantry,
03:04and quit staring at my bosom.
03:05Um, no, you don't understand.
03:08Um, I came up here to work as a logger.
03:11Let me tell you a little something about loggers.
03:15They're filthy, drunken, low-life swine.
03:20And you are their slave.
03:23You will feed them, do their laundry, and clean out their privies.
03:27You don't steal, you don't backtalk,
03:29and you don't socialize with the Eskimos.
03:32Okay.
03:34What did I say about that talk?
03:48Eric?
03:49Francis?
03:51Hey, what's going on?
03:52I thought you said...
03:53You boys should be so proud of yourselves.
04:09A lot of people are really going to appreciate what you're doing.
04:13You know, I'm going to say a special prayer for you.
04:16Yeah, that should make us even.
04:18Why are we organizing trash?
04:24It's not trash.
04:25It's stuff that was donated to the poor.
04:27Look, Reese, it's just like yours.
04:30Yeah, except it's nicer.
04:32It doesn't have holes in it.
04:35Yeah, well, this jacket is better than yours.
04:41You're right.
04:41Everything in here is better than our stuff.
04:52Ha-ha, you're poor.
04:59No wonder I never got a rocket sled.
05:06What are you doing?
05:07Trading.
05:08I'm not sure if you're allowed...
05:09Think of it this way.
05:10I'm making a donation.
05:12Instead of one poor person getting a new shirt,
05:15now two poor people get one.
05:17What's wrong with that?
05:23I can't move.
05:26Ten hours of scouring deep fat friars
05:30with a 20-minute break to detick sled dogs?
05:33What's wrong with that woman?
05:35Her name's Lavernia.
05:37She controls every facet of your life up here.
05:40She finds out what your weakness is
05:42and then she gets inside your head
05:44and starts working it
05:45until she makes you hate yourself.
05:50Women are just like the woods.
05:54Mysterious.
05:55Full of wolves.
05:58Whoa, Eric, pull it together, man.
06:00Could be a lot worse.
06:02I mean, at least we're making good money, right?
06:05No, we're not.
06:06Did you see that ledger book of hers?
06:08She charges us for everything
06:10and deducts it from our pay.
06:12Food, rent, aprons.
06:15Eric, Jill.
06:16My first check was for six dollars.
06:21Great.
06:22Generator's out again.
06:24What are we supposed to do?
06:26Just sit around here in the dark?
06:28Oh, this isn't dark.
06:31You ever spent the night in a caribou's gut?
06:35Who is this old coot?
06:38He's my best friend here.
06:41It's so nice of you, boys, to help us out like this.
06:54We've always loved this old church.
06:57If you cut through the parking lot,
06:59you can bypass that traffic light on 6th.
07:03Keep up the good work, boys.
07:04All right, I'll be back in two hours,
07:10during which time I suggest you think
07:12about the horrible, thoughtless...
07:17whatever it is you did to deserve this punishment.
07:21That's just it.
07:22We didn't do anything.
07:24Mom said we needed to build character.
07:27Your character, right?
07:28Well, see that you do.
07:42What are you doing?
07:43Trading again.
07:44A backpack for a backpack.
07:48Juby, wait.
07:50A yo-yo isn't equal to a Game Boy.
07:53What if I throw on my menu, ma'am?
07:56Okay.
07:57Two twists for one.
07:58Seems fair.
08:00Yeah.
08:01I mean, just as long as what we trade is equal,
08:03it seems like...
08:05Whoa.
08:06Check these out.
08:10Is this fair?
08:12Think of it this way.
08:14When you add in the value of the work we're doing,
08:17they're still way ahead.
08:18Where do you want me to dump this?
08:37Don't dump it.
08:39You take that bucket,
08:40heat it up to 190 degrees,
08:43pour it through the hair trap,
08:44and make gravy for dinner.
08:46You're going to reuse old, filthy fat?
08:49You like having a job?
08:54Hey, Lavernia.
08:56I need some licorice,
08:57some paper towels,
08:59and a six-pack of beer.
09:00Sure, hon.
09:03Oh, no.
09:05It took me six months
09:06to get you paid off last time.
09:08I'm off of that book of yours for good.
09:11Hard cash.
09:12I got it counted out exactly.
09:15Good enough.
09:17Would you like a freshly baked muffin?
09:20Only eight bucks.
09:22You gotta be kidding me.
09:24Eight bucks for a little...
09:26Are those raisins?
09:28Last ones till spring.
09:29Quit staring at my caboose.
09:43Get back to work.
09:44Hey, you know what?
09:46You don't have to snarl at us every...
09:47God, high school is brutal.
10:00They don't care how much homework
10:02you have in other classes.
10:03They just keep heaping it on.
10:06Is Monday okay?
10:08Make it Friday.
10:09I don't want to ruin your weekend.
10:11Oh, no.
10:12I lost the crystal off my watch.
10:15Didn't your parents give you that?
10:16Yeah.
10:17I saw a watch just like this
10:18down at the church.
10:19Really?
10:20Could you get it for me?
10:21Sure.
10:22As long as you donate something
10:23of equal or greater value.
10:25Okay.
10:27How about this aftershave?
10:28My mom got it for me
10:29for parties and dances.
10:32Poor deluded woman.
10:33Sold.
10:34You wouldn't believe all the stuff
10:36they've got down there.
10:37Clothes, toys, comics.
10:40Yesterday, a guy dropped off
10:41an old Nintendo
10:42with a Double Dragon 4 game.
10:44DD4?
10:45For the sacred stone?
10:48Yeah.
10:49Why?
10:50I'll give you $20 for it.
10:56Money?
10:58I guess we can put it
10:59in the collection box.
11:02This is great.
11:03The church is only charging
11:04five bucks for it.
11:06This way, we pick it up,
11:07Stevie gets a game he wants,
11:09and the church gets
11:10an extra ten buck donation.
11:12No.
11:12The church would get
11:13an extra 15 bucks.
11:14Well, I think we deserve
11:16something for our trouble.
11:17Think of it this way.
11:19The church is getting
11:20three times the money
11:21they would otherwise.
11:24Yeah.
11:25We're making this work
11:25for everyone.
11:27Any porcelain tea sets?
11:30Not for me, of course.
11:31For my sister.
11:33Isn't your sister at Vassar?
11:34Look, do you want
11:35the cash or not?
11:38And my job in Alaska
11:40is great.
11:41I'm making tons of money
11:42and lots of great friends,
11:44so your dire predictions
11:45of me being miserable
11:47and taken advantage of
11:48were, as always,
11:50dead wrong.
11:51Well, he's a good boy, Lois.
11:53All our sons are good kids.
11:55You know Mrs. Potts
11:56down at the church?
11:57She says the boys
11:57have been a godsend.
11:58Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
12:01Where are you boys off to?
12:03We told Mrs. Potts
12:04we'd be back
12:05right after lunch.
12:06Charity's fun.
12:07Thanks, Mom.
12:12Well, what do you know?
12:13I finally feel like
12:14we're doing something right
12:15with those kids.
12:28That's the name of the game.
12:37That's the name of the game.
12:47Oh, I don't think that.
12:52Jump, jump, close and go.
12:58This is ridiculous.
13:14The wolves had me
13:15treed for half an hour
13:17on the way there.
13:18I have just about
13:19gotten...
13:20Ow!
13:21You can't treat us
13:23like this!
13:25This is inhuman.
13:27We're citizens.
13:28This is America!
13:32Isn't it?
13:33I'm sorry, Francis.
13:35This is all my fault.
13:39Stop crying.
13:41It's okay, man.
13:43No, it isn't.
13:44God, you must hate me.
13:47Oh, come on.
13:49You're my friend.
13:50I can't hate you.
13:51I can't hate you.
13:52I can't hate you.
13:53I can't...
13:55Uh, sorry.
14:07Thought I was picking up a pie.
14:10Look, Lavernia may be evil, and she may be tough,
14:14but we're better than her, and we can find a way to beat her.
14:16How?
14:17Our lives are controlled by that ledger book of hers.
14:20Everything we do puts us deeper in debt.
14:22This is precisely what military school prepared us for.
14:26To wage war against all authority, no matter what the odds.
14:31Now, she may be a cruel, manipulative monster, but Mom can't win every round.
14:35Who?
14:36Lavernia!
14:37We gotta get her back even harder.
14:40We gotta get her where she lives.
14:42We gotta get that book.
14:44I hate that book.
14:47You know what book I hate?
14:50Valley of the Dolls.
14:52What kind of ending was that?
15:02Okay, Steve is looking for some Pam Greer memorabilia.
15:06If he can keep it here.
15:08As long as he's got the money, the church doesn't care.
15:12And the guy at the liquor store says he'll take the bread maker.
15:15You know what?
15:16We're up to $159.
15:19What do you think we should do with it?
15:20I say we buy a saddle.
15:22Once we have the saddle, Mom and Dad can't say no to the horse.
15:25I don't want a horse.
15:27We all work for this.
15:28I say we vote on what we get.
15:30Do we?
15:31Can God see everything we do?
15:34What?
15:36Mrs. Potts said God sees everything we do.
15:40Yeah, do we?
15:41God can magically see through roofs.
15:43What are you worried about?
15:46We're not doing anything wrong.
15:48Then how come we have money?
15:53Well, uh...
15:54Sometimes when you do good things, good things happen for you.
16:00Satisfied?
16:00I mean, think of it this way, Dewey.
16:06People are still getting the things they need, and, uh...
16:09Okay.
16:10We do have some money.
16:13But, uh...
16:14This hurts us, too.
16:15So, I mean, no one's really getting hurt, and...
16:18This is bad.
16:37I say, once we get the saddle, we should just quit.
16:41We're not getting the saddle.
16:43This was a mistake from the beginning.
16:45I should have known something was wrong when you started making so much sense.
16:49This is your fault.
16:50You're the one that's supposed to be smart enough to keep us out of trouble.
16:54And that's why you're going to hell.
16:56We're all going to hell.
16:59You guys seen the remote?
17:01For...
17:02What's going on?
17:06Dad, we've done something terrible.
17:11It might just be the worst thing we've ever done.
17:13All right, just calm down.
17:16Let's talk this through.
17:18It can't be that bad.
17:21You've been stealing money from the church!
17:25And maybe some...
17:27merchandise.
17:28Oh, you boys have been taking stereos with toys!
17:42Is that cheese?
17:44Oh, God!
17:45Oh!
17:47Oh!
17:47I need this shit!
17:50What?
17:52Oh!
17:53Oh, my God!
17:56Dude, get a washcloth!
17:57My boys are thieves!
18:01Here you go, Dad.
18:06Nice and even.
18:07You stole air!
18:22What is wrong with you, boys?
18:25Do you ever stop and think of the consequences of anything that you do?
18:30Do you realize the shame that you're going to bring upon our entire family?
18:35Do you?
18:36Forget that.
18:37What's Mom going to say?
18:41All right.
18:41What we're going to do is sneak this stuff back into the church,
18:44and no one will ever know this happened.
18:46That was good.
18:47You know, the church just left us alone with all of that stuff.
18:50That thing was entrapment.
18:51Priest, look.
18:52I don't want to hear any more excuses.
18:54I'm tired of you boys not taking responsibility.
18:57Oh!
18:58Damn!
18:58It's God!
19:01He found us!
19:02Not God, Dewey.
19:04It's just my crappy car.
19:06Although, in a larger sense,
19:07I suppose he could have helped out my career a bit from time to time.
19:11Throw a promotion my way once in a while,
19:14so you're right.
19:14Maybe it is God!
19:16Hey, I don't want to scare anyone,
19:18but this is the street Mom takes home from work.
19:20And she gets off in ten minutes!
19:22Oh!
19:23Oh!
19:24Son of a...
19:25Oh, hey!
19:31A cute shirt!
19:32How would you like a shirt?
19:33Three shirts,
19:34and then maybe some pants would go with them.
19:35What are you, about a thirty-four waist?
19:37What are you doing?
19:37I don't want any of these.
19:38Why not?
19:39They're free!
19:40What's wrong with it?
19:41Nothing!
19:42Oh, for God's sake,
19:44just give me five bucks.
19:46All right.
19:47What's going on here?
19:48You're selling me all this stuff for five bucks.
19:50Really?
19:51Well, I think you're fine for that, folks.
19:54How?
19:54Deal.
19:55Okay.
19:56All right.
19:56Gather around.
19:57Gather around.
19:58I've got a good news stereo system.
20:00Who's next?
20:01I am.
20:03This your stuff?
20:06Uh, uh, uh,
20:06and I know how this must look, officer,
20:09but I can assure you,
20:10I didn't steal any of these things.
20:12My boys took them from a church.
20:13I did.
20:13I did.
20:13I did.
20:14I did.
20:14I did.
20:14I did.
20:14I did.
20:14I did.
20:14I did.
20:14I did.
20:14I did.
20:14I did.
20:14I did.
20:14I did.
20:14I did.
20:15I did.
20:15I did.
20:15I did.
20:15I did.
20:16I did.
20:16Neither one of you nimrods leave
20:27till that grill is spotless.
20:35And after you've done that,
20:36I want you to get that jar of poison
20:38and bait those rat traps.
20:40That doesn't make any sense.
20:42Why do we need to poison them
20:43if we have traps?
20:45Because I'll fire your ass.
21:02Perfect.
21:03Nice job with the tape.
21:05Thanks.
21:06See, most people put the tape on too tight
21:08so you don't get that realistic clack.
21:10Come to papa.
21:12The best part is everyone hates her so much
21:14you'll never be able to pin this on us.
21:16Oh, my God.
21:17Look at this next to my name.
21:19Emotionally dependent on pornography.
21:20Loves nut clusters.
21:22How does she know I love nut clusters?
21:36You took the tape off the door.
21:39You dragged me to Alaska.
21:41Listen, if you do hear from them,
21:59please call me.
22:00Yes, Hal, you had me worried sick.
22:09The police said they released you three hours ago.
22:11What's going on?
22:12I know by now you've heard everything.
22:14I just think it's prudent that the boys and I
22:16disappear for a little while.
22:18Hal, where are you?
22:20I'm afraid that I'm not at liberty
22:23to reveal that, Lois.
22:24Bus number 23 for Omaha
22:26is ready for boarding.
22:28Hal, you're a middle-aged man.
22:31You can't run away from home.
22:33Well, I have a credit card
22:35that begs to differ, Lois.
22:37Hang up, Dad.
22:38She's tracing the call.
22:39Don't you dare hang up that phone!
22:43Hal, you're not going to do this.
22:47You and the boys are going to come home right now.
22:49And why would I do that?
22:51Because you love me too much to run away.
23:03That may be true, Lois.
23:06But maybe we're just going to have
23:09a long-distance relationship for a while.
23:13Some of those can work.
23:15Hal, have you thought for two seconds
23:17what your life would be like without me?
23:21Well, no, I don't...
23:23Do you have any idea how much you'd miss me?
23:26Do you?
23:32Yes.
23:33Yes, yes, I...
23:35I have some idea.
23:37Dad, you're folding!
23:39He's folding!
23:40I knew we should have paid that
23:43why not to make the call.
23:45Uh, honey?
23:50We're back!
23:52Hey, guys!
23:54Why don't you wash up?
23:56Dinner's ready.
23:57I made your favorite.
23:58Meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
24:02Okay.
24:04Great.
24:06Why isn't she mad?
24:15What happened?
24:18All of her stuff's gone.
24:20That's right.
24:21I gave it all to charity.
24:23You now have two changes of clothes.
24:25One for school and one for home.
24:29Something wrong?
24:31No, Paul.
24:31Fine.
24:31No, Paul.
24:32Fine.
24:36More wine?
24:37Please.
24:38So, how long is it going to take us to work off all this stuff?
24:45This should put us into the 23rd century.
24:51Sesame cracker?
24:52Hmm.
24:53Don't mind if I do.
24:54I've been lying and you're thinking about God.
25:16I don't know much.
25:18Just that he's this all-powerful, all-knowing being.
25:22Kind of like Mom, only invisible.
25:25So, I feel better being on his good side for a while.
25:29And you know what?
25:30We'll probably all spend a little too much of our lives focusing on material things.
25:38What are you doing?
25:39Ring?
25:40No, you're not.
25:42He's got chocolate.
25:43Get him!
25:47Come on, give it!
25:48Give me a...
25:52�에e
25:54You Huh?
25:59Come on, please.
26:01You are not.
26:01I'm sorry, babe.
26:02You are not.
26:02Dumb.
26:03Bedroom and bacon.
26:04Good time.
26:05You are not.
26:06You are not.
26:15You are not.
26:19You are not.
26:20You