Malcolm In The Middle Season 3 Episode 14 Cynthia's Back
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00:00I had no idea Homer could be so funny!
00:22It's suicide.
00:24I don't care. I'm going in.
00:30Yes, no, maybe.
00:38I don't know.
00:41Can you repeat the question?
00:45You're not the boss of me now.
00:48You're not the boss of me now.
00:51You're not the boss of me now.
00:53And you're not so big.
00:56You're not the boss of me now.
00:59You're not the boss of me now.
01:01You're not the boss of me now.
01:04And you're not so big.
01:07You're not the boss of me now.
01:09Life is unfair.
01:13Guess what?
01:15I just got back from the doctor.
01:18My spine is curved.
01:20How bad?
01:21No gym for two years.
01:23This is brilliant.
01:25I wonder if my third nipple can get me out of wrestling.
01:28It's worth a shot.
01:30Here comes her royal bitchiness.
01:40Cynthia just got back from a semester in New Europe and she's totally changed.
01:44She always used to be so happy.
01:46Now it's like she's given up on life.
01:48She's bitter and sarcastic.
01:51I mean, I could pull it off, but on her it's really unpleasant.
01:55Malcolm, can you ask your lebbings to move the herd an inch to the left so I could get past?
02:03I'm sorry.
02:04Did you say inch?
02:06Don't you mean 2.54 centimeters?
02:09Or .254 decimeters?
02:11Or 25.4 million nanometers?
02:15Come on, guys.
02:16Stop teasing her.
02:17You stink at it.
02:18Don't defend her, Malcolm.
02:20If I wanted this kind of abuse, I'd have a conversation with my oboe teacher.
02:26She's dead to us.
02:36Hey, are you okay?
02:39What are you talking about?
02:41What do you mean?
02:42Well, you've been acting kind of strange lately.
02:45Malcolm, look around you and reconsider your definition of strange.
02:52Over 12% deviation from vertical.
02:57Fair enough.
03:02Dad, look how high my kite is.
03:04Oh, that's great, son.
03:06That's terrific.
03:08You wanna try?
03:10Uh, no.
03:11Why not?
03:12I don't like kites.
03:14What do you mean you don't like kites?
03:16I don't like kites and they don't like me.
03:19We just don't get along.
03:21You'd like it if you tried it.
03:23Come on.
03:24Just try it.
03:25Hold the string.
03:46Hi, Lois.
03:47Karen, what are you doing out there?
03:50Come on in.
03:53Sorry, I didn't mean to lurk.
03:56I was working up the nerve to talk to you.
03:59You okay?
04:02You look different.
04:04I'm sober.
04:05Oh.
04:07Yeah, after I drove across that miniature golf course, they made me get into a 12-step program.
04:12So...
04:13Good for you.
04:14Yeah, thanks.
04:15I'm doing really great.
04:17Anyway, I'm up to the part where I'm supposed to make amends to the people that I've hurt.
04:23What'd you ever do to me?
04:24Remember New Year's at Deb and Rich's where everyone was kissing at midnight?
04:30Yeah.
04:31Well, when I kissed your husband, I kind of stuck my tongue in his mouth.
04:37I mean, I felt really terrible.
04:39And then after that, I put my cigarette out and Rich's toupee and those things go up so quickly.
04:43I had no idea.
04:44You were French kissing my husband?
04:46Don't be mad at him, Lois.
04:48He pushed me away after like five or six seconds.
04:52Well, it was definitely no more than ten.
04:55And I'm sure the only reason he was moving his tongue around was because he was trying to say something.
04:59That's enough, Karen.
05:00I get it.
05:02I'm sorry.
05:05Now I have to go over to Stephanie's and tell her she can take down those lost dog posters.
05:10Come on, Francis.
05:16It's Friday night.
05:17Can we please go out and get hammered?
05:19Is getting drunk all you ever think about?
05:21I mean, look at us.
05:23We work like dogs all day.
05:25We drink.
05:26And then we work like hungover dogs.
05:28Is this really how you pictured your life?
05:31Ever since I was little, why would you picture?
05:34I don't know.
05:35There's just gotta be more to life than getting falling down drunk and behaving like a jackass.
05:40Look at what we found!
05:49You stole a totem pole?
05:50No, no, no.
05:51He asked to come with us.
05:53He hadn't shut up for an hour.
05:56You can't leave this here.
05:58People worship these things.
06:00It's like a sacred object.
06:02Do I have something in my teeth?
06:05What is wrong with you people?
06:08You see a symbol of a world beyond scraping grease and your first thought is let's profane it in our cabin?
06:17Don't you have any respect for anything?
06:19Look!
06:22A penny!
06:23It's mine!
06:24I got first!
06:25Run!
06:28Is my coffee ready yet?
06:30I can't believe you only have instant.
06:32I'm sorry our full shares isn't up to your standards.
06:36And I'd be a little more impressed with your coffee drinking sophistication if you weren't wearing a kiddie sweater.
06:42I'm supposed to take style tips from someone who keeps track of wrestling feuds?
06:48You know, ever since you've been back you've been mean to everyone.
06:51I know you think you're better than us.
06:53Even if that's true, it doesn't give you the right to be nasty.
06:58If you keep this up, you're not going to have any friends.
07:01You think you know what everybody's problem is?
07:04Well, guess what?
07:05You don't.
07:06You think you're so smart and together.
07:08And then no one notices what an unhappy little person you are.
07:13I'm sorry.
07:14I'm not going to stroke your fragile ego by confiding in you.
07:20Oh, yeah?
07:21Well, you're on fire.
07:38Mommy.
07:45How could you do that to me?
07:47You were on fire.
07:48I was just trying to help.
07:50How does yelling, oh my God, where did those come from, help?
07:55I'm sorry.
07:56It's just, you scared me.
07:59They scared me.
08:00I mean, they don't scare me.
08:02They startled me.
08:03I...
08:04I hate this.
08:05Everyone looks at me like you did, like I'm some kind of freak.
08:09I was surprised, that's all.
08:11It's just really different.
08:13I mean, I would react the same way if you had a new haircut.
08:18A giant haircut.
08:20No one can know about this.
08:22You can't tell anyone.
08:24What are you talking about?
08:25Promise me, but...
08:27Promise!
08:28All right, all right.
08:29I promise.
08:31Come on.
08:32You're fine.
08:35This is just a change on the outside.
08:38I mean, inside you're the same.
08:41If you give people a chance, they'll see that.
08:44Will you stop staring at them?
08:47Am I staring?
08:49Dad, I've been thinking about how to fix your kite problem.
08:54I don't have a kite problem.
08:56It's okay, Dad.
08:58Maybe we could start with you explaining why you hate kites.
09:05Let me try.
09:06I want to try.
09:08Fine.
09:09Here.
09:10Jerk.
09:11Help me!
09:12Help!
09:13Help!
09:14Help!
09:15I just do!
09:17There doesn't need to be a reason!
09:20Doesn't Dewey ever have any homework.
09:21He seems to have an awful lot of time on his hands.
09:23Something wrong?
09:24Yesterday, I had the most interesting conversation with Karen.
09:27She's in this program where you have to apologize to your loved ones and it got me thinking.
09:42Do I have anything that I need to apologize for?
09:58Okay.
09:59By you, you mean me.
10:01And since you're phrasing it as a question, it means you already know the answer.
10:04Karen told me that you French kissed her on New Year's Eve.
10:08What?
10:09I did not.
10:11I can't believe it.
10:13You're actually accusing me of this?
10:16Why would Karen lie?
10:18Why would I lie?
10:20Lois, for the past 20 years, yours has been the only tongue that's been in my mouth.
10:25Now, you're just going to have to believe that.
10:27I don't lie.
10:29So, are we going to fly kites tomorrow?
10:31Sorry, son.
10:32I have to testify at a murder trial.
10:34But, Darn it, you're my son and I want to go to the park with you.
10:39Thanks, Dad.
10:40The kids don't count.
10:42Hell, it wouldn't be such a big deal if you would just admit it.
10:45Oh, come on, Lois.
10:47What possible reason would I have to kiss Karen?
10:50You're a man.
10:51What is that supposed to mean?
10:53You have been with the same woman all these years.
10:56It's only natural to be a little curious.
10:59About what?
11:01You mean to tell me after all these years of marriage you've never even so much as thought about another woman?
11:08What are you talking about?
11:10What are you talking about?
11:11If you were just going to be ridiculous, there is no point in carrying on this conversation.
11:16But, you are on notice.
11:20Wait!
11:21I want to talk to you!
11:35You are unhappy!
11:39Yes, I am.
11:40Why?
11:41I think I may have ruined my life.
11:44I left my family and friends to come up here.
11:47I was supposed to be finding myself, but all I feel is empty.
11:51I have the answer to your suffering, Frances.
11:56The answer is...
11:58Frances!
12:01Who was that spiky head kid that was friends with little Lulu?
12:05Huh?
12:06Ah, don't worry.
12:08Maybe it'll come to you if you sleep on it.
12:11Everything's ready!
12:12The kite tail is set!
12:13It's a windy day!
12:14Now say it!
12:15I am not cursed!
12:16Good!
12:17Now run!
12:18And don't stop until it's in the air!
12:32I am not cursed!
12:37I am not cursed!
12:39Let's go back!
12:40Oh!
12:41Come on!
12:42Get out of the field!
12:43Oh!
12:44Excuse me!
12:46Sorry!
12:47It's lying!
12:48It's lying!
12:49It's lying!
12:50It's lying!
12:51I got it!
12:52I can't believe you guys threw refrigerator me!
12:57It's lying!
12:58It's lying!
12:59It's lying!
13:00Oh!
13:01I got it!
13:02I got it!
13:03I got it!
13:04You got it!
13:05I got it!
13:06I got it!
13:07I believe you guys threw refrigerator magnets at Daphne's back brace.
13:11Come on, it was great. He was walking around all day with Florida is for lovers on his back.
13:19That laugh is so not cute.
13:21I'm sorry, my laugh isn't as melodious as your lovely cracking voice.
13:27My name is Malcolm. I have all the answers, but no one will listen to me.
13:32Oh, that's funny.
13:37This was fun.
13:42Hi, Reese.
13:46What a pig.
13:48What?
13:49What happened to your friend? She was never that great, but now, jeez, it's like she's trying to be ugly.
13:55Shut up.
13:56Someone should tell her she's not in Europea anymore. In America, we take showers.
14:01Drop it, Reese. She doesn't smell.
14:04Well, she dresses like a bag lady.
14:06Oh, oh, I know. Her butt is gigantic, and she's trying to hide it. This is so great. I have so much material for that.
14:15I have a wide load sticker, and I can make the truck noise when she backs up.
14:20Beep, beep, beep.
14:22Reese, when exactly is she going to back up?
14:25You're right.
14:26Okay, and when's her lunch period? I think I'll sneak in and throw bacon at her. Then she'll back up.
14:31Beep, beep, beep.
14:33Look, moron. She's not hiding her butt. She's hiding her big boobs, okay?
14:38So if you tease her, you're just going to look like a...
14:44You are a good, good brother.
14:47No! I lied! Her butt is huge!
14:58I think it helped Cynthia to tell me what was bothering her.
15:01She's been in a much better mood at school. She even stuck her homework up on Daph's back.
15:06What are you doing?
15:09Algebra.
15:15What did he say to you?
15:16Welcome. Calm down. I'm just helping him with his homework.
15:21You know Reese doesn't care about school.
15:23That's what I thought, but when he asked me for help, he sounded so pathetic, I couldn't say no.
15:31How are you doing on number five?
15:37Awful. I'm never going to get this. I'm such an idiot.
15:41No, you're not.
15:43Everyone says I'm an idiot all the time.
15:47Well, he is.
15:49Malcolm.
15:51It's not his fault. Someone at some point decided I was dumb, and that's all anyone ever sees of me.
15:57Why do they always focus on one detail? They can never look at the whole person.
16:05I don't know.
16:12Francis, man. Lavernia's going to kill you if you miss another ship.
16:16Later, I'm not walking away from this totem pole right now.
16:19Not when I'm this close to figuring out what it is that's trying to tell me.
16:22Have you even eaten anything?
16:24No. I'm fasting. It helps my meditation.
16:28I can't explain it, but there's some kind of an energy running through this thing.
16:32It gave me that dream. It's trying to help me get to something.
16:36That's it. We're getting rid of this thing, and we're putting you back on corndogs and porn.
16:41For your own safety.
16:45Back away from the pole.
16:47So, you guys want to go shoot some eagles?
16:56Nothing else to do?
16:57What are you going to do to her?
17:10I don't know what you're talking about.
17:12Okay, I've been dying to tell someone.
17:15Malcolm, I'm going to see them.
17:17What?
17:18I'm going to be nice to her, make her my girlfriend, and get her to take her top off.
17:23You're crazy!
17:24That's what I thought at first.
17:26But I've got it all figured out.
17:31I've been working on this for days.
17:33Tomorrow, I'll reveal an embarrassing secret that makes her feel trusted.
17:37Friday, I'll sneak a kiss and then apologize.
17:40Three days later, I actually ask her out.
17:43She catches me crying.
17:45Makeout session.
17:46She discovers a love letter in my back pocket.
17:49Heavier makeout session.
17:51All culminating in March 8th.
17:54Double D-Day.
17:58You're pure evil!
18:00Who's more evil?
18:01Me?
18:02Or the person who told me?
18:04You!
18:05You'd still be in trouble.
18:07I bet she'd never forgive you.
18:09Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll have to go make a mixtape.
18:16Okay, so we had a little setback.
18:18But don't give up.
18:21Oh, forget it!
18:23I'm sick of this!
18:25I hate kites!
18:26I have always hated kites!
18:29Dad, don't freak out in front of the other kids.
18:33No!
18:34I'm never gonna get this, and I don't want to!
18:37You can't just give up!
18:39I can give up whenever I want to, and I give up!
18:42That's it!
18:43I'm tired of your attitude!
18:45I'm going home!
18:48Dewey!
18:49Dewey, come back here!
18:50It's too far for you to walk!
18:55Dewey!
18:57Dewey!
18:59Dewey, stop!
19:02Dewey!
19:05Don't you ever run away like that again!
19:07There's something on the back of your pants!
19:10I'm flying a kite!
19:20I'm flying a kite!
19:24Oh, I did it!
19:26I did it!
19:27I actually flew a kite!
19:29I can't believe I actually thought these were evil.
19:32I love this kite.
19:34Why don't you kiss it?
19:36Oh, for God's sake.
19:38Are you still obsessing about that?
19:41I want a straight answer out of you.
19:43Lois, I swear, from the moment I laid eyes on you,
19:47you were the only woman in the world for me.
19:49So you mean to tell me that unlike any other man alive,
19:53you don't even have a glancing interest for other women?
19:56You and you alone stand outside the dictates of millions of years of evolution.
20:01Why is that so hard for you to believe?
20:05Because I look at other men!
20:08Not seriously, and I would never do anything about it,
20:14but God hell, I notice!
20:18And if you don't, it means that...
20:21It means that you love me more than I love you.
20:26Well, honey, that's always been true.
20:31Of course I love you more.
20:34And you're okay with that?
20:36Oh, yeah.
20:38Think about it.
20:38If you loved me as much as I loved you,
20:41we'd never leave the bedroom.
20:43Nothing would get done.
20:44We'd die of starvation.
20:46I love you.
20:54Not as much as I love you.
20:55I have fasted.
20:58I have meditated.
21:00I got frostbite spending a night in the wilderness.
21:04I just want to know what to do.
21:07What am I missing?
21:08Okay, let's see.
21:11There's a wolf.
21:12What's that?
21:13A loyalty.
21:14An eagle.
21:16Keensight.
21:18Insight.
21:19And the frog is...
21:22Bug-eating!
21:24What does it have to do with anything?
21:27Please, just give me a sign or...
21:30or a signal or...
21:32or something!
21:32Oh, my God!
21:39You're the dirtbag that took my pole.
21:42Huh?
21:43It's my pole.
21:44I want it back.
21:46Oh, of course.
21:47I'm so sorry.
21:49Look, I didn't take it,
21:51but please, I'm going crazy.
21:53Can you tell me what it means?
21:55Well, if I hit it,
21:56it means I'm five inches away
21:58from the back of my carport.
22:00What?
22:01You use this as a wheel stop?
22:04This beautiful, sacred thing?
22:06Sacred?
22:07It's a decoration.
22:09You know, like a coat of arms
22:10or a storybook.
22:12It's a pretty chunk of wood
22:13that my kids helped me carve
22:14on a nice Saturday afternoon.
22:17But you can't tell me
22:18that you can't feel the energy!
22:21You white boys are all the same.
22:23I've got dark skin,
22:25so I must dance with the bears
22:27and listen to the spirit of the wind.
22:29I've got news for you.
22:31I work for a living.
22:33I'm a Baptist,
22:35and I'm proud of it.
22:37But...
22:38Are you sure?
22:41And by the way,
22:43I have only one word for snow.
22:46Snow.
22:47No!
22:58No!
22:59Stop!
23:00Malcolm!
23:01No, do this.
23:02He's not who you think he is.
23:04I didn't want to tell you,
23:05but the only reason Reese
23:06has shown any interest in you
23:07is because I told him
23:08you have big breasts.
23:10What?
23:10It just happened.
23:11I'm really sorry,
23:13but he only wants you
23:14for your boobs.
23:16Stop saying that!
23:18He planned all this.
23:19I can prove it.
23:22He wrote it all down.
23:25This isn't it.
23:26Where's your real calendar?
23:27That is my calendar.
23:30All the proceeds
23:31went to an animal shelter.
23:33He's just using you.
23:34What's worse
23:35is you're falling for it.
23:36Leave me alone!
23:37Leave me alone!
23:39You heard her.
23:42But...
23:42What's her name?
23:46What?
23:47What's her name?
23:55I know what her name is.
23:59And I'm not going to
24:00dignify that with the response.
24:02I know what her name is,
24:04and her name is...
24:06How can you be so creepy?
24:17Don't you even have
24:18the remotest sense
24:19of decency
24:20towards a fellow human being?
24:23I have feelings!
24:24I will be treated
24:26with respect!
24:28I will not be objectified!
24:30I will not be
24:31humiliated onto me!
24:34Now kiss my shoe!
24:35Kiss my shoe!
24:40The private says,
24:41but General,
24:42I didn't touch your toast!
24:47So, Cynthia,
24:48something's different about you.
24:51Did you get a haircut?
24:52Ooh, very stylish!
24:56Cynthia, did you like Europe?
24:59I did.
24:59I forget sometimes
25:01that there's a whole world
25:03out there
25:04that's not full of
25:05prurient adolescent boys.
25:08They're sophisticated people
25:10who treat me nicely
25:11and keep their mouths shut.
25:14I get it.
25:17Yes?
25:18Is...
25:19Is Lois here?
25:20Honey?
25:21Oh, my God!
25:22Are you Lois' husband?
25:24Uh-huh.
25:24So,
25:25who is married
25:26to the bald guy
25:27with the earring?
25:29That's Donna.
25:31Darn it!
25:32I thought that was
25:33one house
25:33I didn't have to go to.
25:36Excuse me.
25:39Oh, yeah,
25:40and by the way,
25:41I lived in your house
25:42while you were on vacation
25:43last month.
25:44We didn't go on vacation!
25:47Darn it!
25:47Darn it!