Comedian Craig Shoemaker on The John DeBella Show
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FunTranscript
00:00Please, ladies and gentlemen, welcome the hometown boy who spent a little too much time with his hometown buddies last night, Craig Shoemaker is here.
00:23I guess I have to get used to heckling first thing in the morning.
00:27Well, you look like, and you say you got together with old buddies last night.
00:31Yeah, we tell old stories.
00:33It's exhausting.
00:34They're the same stories, but still, we can tell it over and over again.
00:37Well, usually you can walk in California fresh.
00:40You know, you always look at it, and it's one of you, you come in with sunglasses on, you take them off, and I'm like, wow, maybe you should put the sunglasses back on.
00:47Whoa, whoa.
00:48Now that I'm happily married, I don't care how I look at it.
00:50Who cares?
00:51I got the belly, you know.
00:53You got it all going?
00:54When I'm naked, I look like a capital Q.
00:57I don't care.
01:02Yeah, but anyway, I do come back and I get heckled.
01:04But I went out with my old buddies last night.
01:06We're telling stories.
01:08We're telling people that we're aghast.
01:10I'll tell them now.
01:12Your whole audience can be aghast.
01:13Okay.
01:14The stuff that we used to do when we hung out.
01:15Oh, yeah.
01:16Oh, the dangerous stuff?
01:18We had a fort, and we all hung out in the fort.
01:21Can I talk about this?
01:22Yeah.
01:22Do the dube?
01:23Yeah, we're doing the dube.
01:25And we always come up with great ideas when you're high.
01:27That's how it gets started in comedy.
01:29But you write it down, and you read it the next day.
01:31You're going, what the hell does this mean?
01:32Hamster nipples.
01:34But it killed you the night before.
01:36Oh, you can't see it again.
01:37I can't breathe.
01:39Hamster nipples, you're killing me.
01:40So one night, we used to rip on each other.
01:44Just rip, rip, rip.
01:45And one night, we got tired, and we go, let's go rip on other people.
01:48Let's knock on people's doors and make fun of them.
01:51And then George goes, while we're nude.
01:55We're going to make fun of them while we're nude.
01:58And I was like one minute into puberty.
02:00I had nothing there.
02:02I had a panel and a wall switch.
02:03That's what it looked like.
02:05And I'm going to make fun of them.
02:08So we did it.
02:10Cerami pulls the getaway car.
02:11You met my buddy Cerami.
02:13He's the getaway car, fully clothed.
02:15Me, George, and Tommy get out of the car.
02:18And we knock on the door, and we all froze.
02:20Because we had our lines down.
02:21You say this, I'll say this.
02:22We all froze.
02:23So then I started doing my patented helicopter.
02:27I'm naked doing a helicopter.
02:29He said, I always got a lot of laughs in the locker room.
02:31I go, hey, lady, the traffic report.
02:34I'm doing this.
02:35And then George goes, you're ugly.
02:38I said, where'd you come up with that line?
02:40It's terrible.
02:41We didn't rehearse that.
02:42You have to come up with something more clever.
02:44Then we run.
02:44Cerami goes away in the car.
02:46So now we're next to him.
02:48And he's doing the perfect miles and hours.
02:50We're running.
02:50And we're going, stop, stop.
02:52He's a hee, hee.
02:53And we're going, stop, stop.
02:56We're chariots of fire going down Bridal Lane.
02:58And then finally he stops and I get in and George leaps on the hood of the car.
03:04He thinks it's funny until Cerami speeds up to 55 miles an hour on a tiny street.
03:10Then he goes through the basketball courts while people are honking with George's spread
03:14eagle.
03:15And he's there, let me in.
03:18And then he grabs the wiper.
03:19I'll rip it off.
03:20And Cerami turns it on and toss it around.
03:22You're such a wad.
03:23So this is the best line ever.
03:27His glasses are crooked.
03:28He's spread eagle nude.
03:30And then he goes, I'm not going to get in the Naval Academy.
03:34What?
03:35He's thinking of higher education.
03:36He's nude on the hood of a car.
03:39That might have gone on his permanent record.
03:42Well, that's what he was thinking.
03:43But we didn't get caught.
03:45We made a lot of people laugh.
03:48So speaking of the happily married man.
03:50Yes.
03:50How are things at home?
03:51What's going on with the kids?
03:53Things are good.
03:53My wife is very different than Philadelphia, though.
03:56She's very new agey.
03:58Oh, really?
03:58Yeah.
03:58Are you drinking bone broth?
04:00Oh, is that the new thing?
04:01In California, it is.
04:03No.
04:03Bone broth?
04:04Yeah.
04:04Bone broth.
04:05What?
04:05That was something live.
04:08She gets turned on only if I compost.
04:10That gets her all wound up.
04:13Look, honey, I'm putting a banana peel in the can.
04:16Something's going to happen tonight.
04:18You've got to look for angles now when you're married for a little while.
04:21Before we were married, she was all over me when she was trying to make the sale and get
04:25the commission.
04:25Now she doesn't want to handle the service agreement.
04:27I thought we saw her.
04:29She'd come to bed before marriage where nothing, little, what are they, little paginas?
04:35Paginas?
04:37Paginas.
04:38Yeah.
04:38Is that what they're called?
04:40Depends what's on them, I guess.
04:41Yeah, I guess.
04:42Or did I make up that term?
04:43I think you did.
04:44Yeah, I think you did.
04:45I've heard like teddy bear and things like that, but the vagina is something.
04:50It sounds like something Oprah might wear.
04:51I know what I'm getting for Christmas for somebody in my house.
04:54That's right.
04:54Some paginas.
04:55And they were great.
04:56Now she's under five blankets with a park and a ski cap.
04:59That's the new night wear.
05:00Trying to make love with a gangster rapper.
05:02How about some trim, Coolio?
05:07But, you know, I look for angles.
05:10And I had this new angle.
05:12You know the show The Bachelor?
05:13Yeah, yeah, sure.
05:14Well, Chris Harrison is the host.
05:17Okay.
05:17He's my neighbor.
05:18Oh, really?
05:19Really good looking.
05:20Intimidating good looking.
05:21He walked in her kitchen.
05:22My wife is cooking.
05:24And she looks up and sees him.
05:25She just goes.
05:27I'm like, okay, Chris.
05:28You set her up.
05:28I'll knock her down later.
05:31You give her the rose.
05:31I'll go for the prick.
05:35That went solo that night.
05:39She also saw this movie with Matthew McConaughey.
05:42I guess she's got a crush on him.
05:43And I got some afterwards.
05:46Really?
05:46Nice.
05:47What movie?
05:48What was it?
05:48Dallas Fires Club.
05:50It wasn't Dallas Fires Club.
05:53She likes the thin look.
05:56Oh, that's what that was about.
05:58Racking my brain.
06:00Craig, give me a favor.
06:00Dressed like Jared Leto.
06:04No, I went in as him the next day in the bedroom.
06:08I walked in.
06:09All right, all right, all right.
06:11Let's put some butt bongo.
06:14Solo again.
06:17Nothing works.
06:18Oh, man.
06:19But yeah, it's good, though.
06:20And we're done having kids.
06:21I have a four-year-old.
06:23Right.
06:24God, the baby's four already?
06:25Yeah.
06:26It's a cute age, man.
06:27It's a cute...
06:28Well, not this...
06:28They have two-year-olds, so...
06:30Well, do you have girls or boys?
06:32Boys.
06:32Boys Club.
06:33Oh, good.
06:35Nothing against girls.
06:36No, I agree.
06:37It is unbelievable, the difference.
06:39I have three boys, all good.
06:40This one is literally...
06:43Like, my one son, he got in a mountain bike accident.
06:46He has jaw wired shut.
06:47I'm going, why couldn't it be the girl?
06:48She tried FaceTiming, and she dominates the conversation.
06:54She, like, pulls the phone away from everybody.
06:57You know, she's...
06:57Oh, it's a nightmare.
06:59And she knows how to work daddy, too.
07:02Well, yeah.
07:03It's unbelievable how skilled.
07:05Right, right.
07:06She walks in...
07:07It's bread.
07:07She walks in ahead of her mom.
07:08You know, she gets out of the car, runs in.
07:10She goes, daddy, I got you licorice.
07:12And I go, thank you.
07:13I love it.
07:14She goes, it's your favorite.
07:16And then she goes, can I have a piece?
07:19And I said, well, your mother might not like that.
07:22And she goes, it's okay.
07:23And my wife walks in.
07:25Chloe, I said, no licorice.
07:27Get away from me, you witch.
07:29I'm with my father now.
07:32And then she comes right back to me.
07:34Daddy.
07:36And then she, like, climbs on top of me.
07:38I'm telling you, she's headed for a strip club.
07:43Ladies and gentlemen, it's Cherry Licorice taking the stage.
07:46Anyway.
07:47John DiBella.
07:48Can we go now?
07:49Shut up, I'm having fun.
07:50Classic Rock.
07:51102.9 MGK.