Comedian Levell Crawford on The John DeBella Show
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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, that round mound of Comedy Sound, the one and only...
00:18Yeah, you're trying to do the round mound. Don't look like that no more.
00:21It's over. It's over. See, they try to keep you in the fat game, man.
00:25They try to keep you there, you know.
00:27And I know it's hard to stay out of the fat game in Philly, man.
00:32You know, you got Geno Steaks and all those places.
00:35There's a cheesesteak everywhere. You get one when you get off the plane.
00:38You don't have a cheesesteak when you go through security.
00:40They make you go back out.
00:42They make you go back out and get one.
00:46Yeah, what's up, man?
00:47You are remarkably smaller than when I first found you.
00:52Thank you very much.
00:52I don't mind that compliment now that I lost weight.
00:56I've heard that before, before I lost weight, and I didn't like it.
01:01Because I was in the bedroom.
01:04It's remarkably smaller than I was.
01:08I need my money back, man.
01:13I need my money back.
01:14Can I get a receipt, please?
01:15I mean, what are big man problems?
01:19What kind of problems does a big guy have?
01:21Oh, well, I mean, you know, big man guy always got problems, man.
01:24I got to do like 550, man.
01:27So I'm on the plane.
01:28You know, first of all, if I'm riding coach, it was a problem for everybody else.
01:32You know, and it's like you're trying to have some heart.
01:35And, you know, after a while, when you start being the big guy and just don't care, I like
01:40those big guys to get up there in the middle seat and just sit down.
01:43Well, if you don't like it, find another place.
01:45I like that big guy that don't care.
01:48He got Funyuns sitting in the front of the airplane pocket.
01:52I like the big guy that's like, well, walk around if you don't want to walk behind me.
01:56Yes, it was a fart, you know.
02:02I wish big guys would be like big, big, big, sassy black women.
02:06Because big sassy women, girl, me and them, they like a woman with meat on their bones like
02:10Raspisa from Norbert, you know.
02:12You know, she's probably, how you doing?
02:14You know, but big guys be trying to be humble.
02:16Hi, guys.
02:18Oh, you're doing like a marshmallow.
02:20No, no, I want to be mean.
02:22Like, boo, boy, open this door a little wider so I can squeeze in.
02:26I mean, I remember when Uber first came out, the guys were driving their own car.
02:34They'd come and pick me up.
02:35I was the only guy that was getting passed by by Uber because usually Uber just come by,
02:39but you can't pick me up in no doggone Mini Cooper.
02:43I just got on this route.
02:47I'm going to see if I can get you some help.
02:50I can't get you in my Mini Cooper.
02:52If I give you, if I pick you up in my Uber, I'm going to have to wait until you come back.
03:00So you're living in Houston now, you said?
03:03Yeah.
03:04Obviously, you're a big fan of humidity.
03:07Well, I'm a big fan of people with hearts.
03:10I mean, because I'm living in L.A., you know, and like we were discussing off the air, you know,
03:15everybody out there to do something else, but they working somewhere else.
03:18They're like, I'm a stripper, but I want to be a director.
03:23I'm working at Jersey Mike.
03:25Yeah, I'm making sandwiches now, but one day I'm going to be Denzel Washington.
03:29I want to be up in L.A. at a Jersey Mike.
03:33They make a sandwich.
03:34I said, what you here for, man?
03:35But I always wanted a dream to move out of L.A. so I could make sandwiches.
03:38I want to feed the world.
03:44I mean, that's the guy I want.
03:46I want somebody with their dreams right in front of them, you know what I'm saying?
03:50You know, I came out here to be homeless.
03:54I was homeless, you know, in low-class areas like in Massachusetts,
03:59but I want to move to L.A. where you can be homeless with the stars.
04:05Lay on the walk of fame.
04:09Be on Elizabeth Taylor's flat.
04:13My son lives in L.A.
04:14I saw a guy take a dump on Milton Berle.
04:17Take that, Mr. Comedy.
04:25He was in me and poop, right?
04:28Oh, Milton Berle.
04:30It was 8 o'clock at night with people.
04:34It's Hollywood and Vine.
04:35Literally, Hollywood and Vine.
04:37Hollywood and people are Robert Mitchell.
04:39Milton Berle.
04:40They're not, let's just say, L.A., not the brightest people I've ever encountered.
04:48Oh, well, you know, hey.
04:49You know, I mean, that's all because it's an iPhone.
04:52The phone can do anything for you now and then.
04:54You ain't got to be smart no more.
04:56People ain't read nothing no more.
04:58They don't read nothing.
04:59They phone tell them everything to do.
05:01You ever see people walk across the street, got their hair down on the phone?
05:04I be willing to hit them so bad.
05:06I mean, I don't know.
05:07I'm going to go to jail and lie.
05:08I don't know.
05:09I'm sorry.
05:10I was playing Pokemon Go.
05:13He looked like Pikachu.
05:18I had to hit him.
05:19I don't know, man.
05:20I don't know what it is, man.
05:22But I think, you know, in L.A., you know, you got to be halfway.
05:25You can read.
05:26As long as you can read, you can be in L.A.
05:28I mean, I ain't got nothing wrong with it.
05:30There's a lot of vegetarians.
05:32Good eating up there, though.
05:34You can eat clean in California.
05:36You know, that's how I lost weight eating up there.
05:38You know, all that wheat grass.
05:39And fried carrots and asparagus and all that crap.
05:46I was eating chickpeas.
05:47You know, I didn't even know what chickpeas was.
05:49You know, I got the California chickpea balls.
05:52Yeah, and I realized I was ordering and stuff.
05:55Yes, can I get the, you know, the hemp seed meatballs, please?
06:00Is that sauce non-dairy?
06:03I was like, what am I doing?
06:05I didn't care if the sauce had dairy or not, as long as it's delicious.
06:09That's all good, delicious.
06:11That's all I used to worry about.
06:12I was talking about, you know, that, I'm going to see Ms. Cheetah's out of the house.
06:16It's the F.E.G.M.O.s.
06:18I'm like, oh, God.
06:20Where am I coming from?
06:22Why you had to think about it?
06:24See, when you eat right now, man, you can't even, you can't do nothing.
06:27Like, me and my house, my wife, they such hippies, man.
06:30We so, we didn't turn into preppers, man.
06:32We put our phones in a bag with aluminum foil around it so, you know, we can't talk about
06:38stuff in front of the phone no more because they will, phones will dial numbers that you
06:42didn't ask to dial.
06:44I mean, my phone dialed an ex-girlfriend that I hated and I had called the police on.
06:49He was like, finally, we can talk.
06:52I said, that wasn't me.
06:53That was Siri.
06:54That was Siri.
06:55And I fired Siri off my phone.
06:57I got that help off my phone.
06:59I got sorry.
07:02I got sorry.
07:06Sorry don't know nothing.
07:08I said, sorry, sorry, how do you make potato salad?
07:12What are you asking me?
07:14Go get the recipe.
07:16Sorry, sorry.
07:18You going to be sorry.
07:19You bother me anymore.
07:22So you don't want a cheesesteak?
07:24You know, I might get a half a cheesesteak.
07:26Because I like it with probolone.
07:28I like the cheese.
07:29See, I know in Philly they be getting that cheese.
07:32Sauce on it, too.
07:34What do you like?
07:34The cheese sauce or probolone?
07:36I'm a probolone.
07:36He calls Whiz cheese sauce.
07:37I love that.
07:38See, a lot of dudes always want a heart attack.
07:41They ain't got nowhere to start throwing that cholesterol.
07:44Yeah, just pour the cheese on it.
07:49I like my cheese to stay in one place.
07:52Listen up, please.
07:53The John DeBellis Show.
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