Murphy Brown Season 6 Episode 6 Ticket To Writhe
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TVTranscript
00:00and newt gingrich takes the house floor that is when my son picks up the remote control and
00:06presses the mute button coincidence you tell me that aver is quite the little character
00:12he is cute but you know all kids are cute aren't they like my little nephew down in
00:17baton rouge the other day back to work morning there pete you know it's funny when i was young
00:26some of the kids used to call me pete i used to beat the crap out of them you seen any jelly
00:32donuts just one right as it was entering my mouth would you like the rest of my eclair i'll just
00:38trim off the bite marks although you probably don't care you've been shot at by foreign soldiers
00:44tortured by terrorists still you probably don't want to eat where someone's teeth were so i'll just
00:49i never put my teeth in the place of former miss america had hers maybe i'll like it
00:56so you're looking a little beat there pete moss i didn't think all this traveling's catching up
01:10with you that darn news keeps happening all over the world oh how true which is why i'll be racking
01:15up a few frequent flyer miles of my own next week it's been a month since somebody's peace accord
01:20israelis and palestinians have been making history i hate when that happens and i'm not around i gotta
01:25hand it to you that sounds like a great story i'd like to cover that one myself well what can i tell
01:30you peanut bread stories are like donuts if you don't act fast someone else gets the jelly
01:36hey ho people greetings to the finest news team on the planet corky that interview you wanted with
01:45sherry lewis she's all yours go get her tiger peter i got your notes on that idea for a midi's follow-up
01:52i am sending you back out your story looks great break a minute wait a minute that isn't his story
01:59that's my story i'm sorry do i have a little jelly on my mouth
02:02i was going to pitch that story i was just talking about it tell him jim well frankly slugger i don't
02:11know why you'd even want the sherry lewis story
02:13corky you were standing right there the midi's peace accord israelis palestinians
02:20that's what you're doing oh what a wonderful story corky that's my wonderful story as they
02:27say in the gulf that aircraft carrier has sailed you can't seriously be letting him get away with
02:34this oh i don't know why don't you write up some notes i'll take a look at them and make a decision
02:39wait a minute i thought international was my beat he oh
02:43do we really want to spend such a beautiful day lost in rancor and malice the world is so full
02:53of so many wonderful things the miracle of a flower the smell of autumn waffle cones
03:02let's enjoy life oh miles you found the lord
03:08cory got lucky last night no no no no no i wasn't even with audrey last night i was in new york for a
03:22late meeting and i came straight to work this morning however and next sunday may be a different
03:28story for audrey and me oh my god he's got sideline passes to the redskins game i've been in
03:35washington 20 years i've never even seen sideline passes you couldn't even get regular seats they've
03:40been sold out since 1966 and against the giants people kill for tickets like these and look there's
03:46a little clip so you can wear them pretty great huh i got them from david gergen we were in the
03:51locker room at the press club i lent him my overcoat and this is how he thanked me an overcoat got you
03:56sideline passes well he was pretty grateful since bob dole had just stolen his pants
04:01there was nothing in his locker but a note i never forgive and i never forget at last the
04:07benefit of the two-party system
04:08forget audrey take me and i'll find ways to repay you better ten times better than sex
04:15come on as much as i'd like to take you all i don't think i should be at the game with a work
04:26buddy when the scoreboard flashes the message audrey will you marry me
04:31i remember the first time i saw you with your little blue blazer and your serious little face
04:45look at it it's gonna be a serious little marriage i just have to pinch you
04:50i was starting to think you'd never do it i what happened i was in my hotel room in new york last
05:00night and i realized how much i missed audrey and how much it meant to know that she was at home
05:05waiting for me at that moment i knew i wanted her to still be there in 10 years in 20 years
05:11when i'm in my grave oh that's a nice reason to marry someone miles so you can be sure they're
05:15sitting shiva for you i for one find it wonderful welcome to the fraternity of the ring i wish you
05:25a world of happiness oh miles i'm so happy for you just remember a buffet style reception can save up
05:33to twenty dollars per invited guest hey i'm happy for you you and audrey are you just meant for each
05:40other
05:40so miles uh i don't know what to say really i haven't known you that long i never met audrey
05:52but even though 50 of all marriages end in divorce i'm sure that you will make it through the boredom
05:59and the claustrophobia
06:00he thinks he can just come in here and take whatever he wants
06:10cranial load
06:13i'm going for the record
06:17jeez miles learn to knock i could have punctured your lung
06:22go ahead after the day i've had it would actually be you pick me up
06:26she left me audrey she left me you're kidding me
06:32what no actually she left me the day i went to new york i've been working so hard i didn't even
06:37notice i just thought she was keeping the bathroom really neat
06:41but then i went into the bedroom and there were no thick black glasses on the nightstand
06:47no little asthma inhaler no audrey just a note saying she had gone
06:53it hurts so much
06:55oh man
06:57i'm so sorry
07:02i'm so sorry
07:05i'm really sorry
07:07i never know what to say frank you've been dumped you say something
07:11hey hey buddy look
07:16oh no no
07:17she probably just needed a little time alone
07:20women aren't like that
07:22she'll spend some time with her friend
07:24they'll go to dinner
07:24see a few movies
07:26and after she's thrown a little scare into you
07:28she'll come running on back
07:29running on back
07:30she's moved to england
07:32oh
07:32i told her at her mother's and begged her to come home
07:36she said it was just too hard living with someone so wrapped up in his work
07:39i told her i'd change my priorities but the third time i put her on hold
07:43we both knew i couldn't change
07:45sue me if i can't ignore call waiting
07:49being single isn't so awful
08:09and with the new clinton tax plan it's actually financially advantageous
08:14the most humiliating part is
08:18i already told people we were getting married
08:21my parents my friends my old roommates
08:24i guess i should have checked with audrey first
08:26i know i can't take away the pain but
08:36i do know some highly placed officials in england
08:39i'm pretty sure i could have her declared a typhoid risk
08:42thanks
08:45but there's nothing anyone can do
08:47i guess i just needed to say it out loud once
08:51to make myself believe it really happened
08:53but please
08:54i'm not ready for anyone else to know
08:58okay
08:59whatever you say
09:00don't worry about me
09:04well gotta give miles credit for trying he certainly was ready to commit
09:15and on a scoreboard in front of 50 000 people
09:19so i guess he's got an extra ticket for the game now
09:25frank
09:28the man's world is crumbling
09:31and that's all you can think about
09:32that's not all i can think about
09:34i feel awful for miles
09:35i was just making an observation
09:36and don't tell me the thought never crossed your mind
09:39well of course it crossed my mind
09:41there's sideline passes
09:42you'd have to be dead not to think about them
09:44but i didn't like myself for it
09:47and the most humiliating part is
09:51i already told my dentist
09:53my doorman
09:54the guy at the new stand in the lobby
09:56oh poor thing
09:59miles
10:00i'm sorry to hear of your loss
10:02i offer my most heartfelt condolences
10:05jim
10:06isn't that what you said when his pet turtle died
10:08i'm sorry but expressing sympathy is awkward for me
10:12i find that speech works with most misfortune
10:14so miles uh
10:23as i said i haven't known you that long
10:25and
10:26i never met audrey
10:35so
10:36you've got to be sure to change their water
10:39turtles that is
10:41i probably wouldn't apply to audrey
10:44oh man
10:48that isn't how you comfort someone who's lost a love
10:52miles
10:53miles
10:54you and audrey were all wrong for each other
10:58she was probably just using you to get her green card
11:01and frankly
11:03she looked like the type would just balloon up right after the wedding
11:06she didn't even tell me
11:09a little
11:11do you want to hear some more
11:13she came on to me once
11:18really
11:25guys guys guys
11:30i appreciate your support
11:32really
11:33but it's now time to move on
11:36i should be getting back to work
11:39work
11:41my one true bride
11:43i almost forgot
11:48the sideline passes
11:50haunting reminders of a life
11:53it was never meant to be
11:54anybody want them
11:57miles
12:00no one can think about football at a time like this
12:04but if you really
12:06i'll take
12:06frank i wasn't finished
12:15i was going to be sent to the first and then take the tickets
12:18yeah well that's very fascinating
12:20you know frank i've been thinking
12:21you and i haven't spent a lot of time together outside of work
12:23and i figured that this would be a problem
12:25oh please
12:25you are embarrassing yourself
12:27frank tell him how long we have been friends
12:3016 years
12:31that is right 16 years
12:34so who do you think he's going to take to the game
12:36tabitha soren
12:37what
12:37these aren't take a friend tickets
12:42these aren't press a day tickets
12:44this could be my big chance with tabitha
12:46what's the matter couldn't you find someone younger
12:47oh maybe tabitha will drive you to the game
12:50in our fisher price playmobile
12:52oh shut up
12:56why don't you sit right here
13:03thanks jim
13:04because i know
13:07as managing editor of fyi
13:09you've been incredibly busy helping miles run the show
13:12especially now that he's so depressed
13:14there you go
13:16imagine this
13:16four days
13:17four days
13:18and the poor guy hasn't even been able to assign that midi story
13:21but hey
13:23that's not my point
13:24i just thought this would be a good chance for us to get to know each other
13:27salt
13:28oh
13:29there you are jim
13:32you were supposed to tell me when you were heading for lunch
13:35so
13:36what have you two been talking about
13:37i hate to think the crazy
13:39midi story came up when i wasn't here
13:42with the love of mike
13:43will you two leave me alone
13:45i can't even go to the men's room without being followed
13:48and murphy i don't appreciate that
13:49the miles will assign the story when he's ready
13:55well then there's nothing to do but wait for the recently scorned man who probably hates
13:59all women to make an unbiased decision
14:02miles may be bitter against some women
14:05but not against one who just air expressed him a pint of hot fudge from rumpelmeyer
14:09to the place his beloved nana silverberg used to take him when he was upset
14:12great
14:13he can eat it off the chest of the thousand dollar a night hooker i'm thinking of getting in
14:18oh frank hello
14:24oh it isn't captain sideline
14:27don't start with me murph i'm not in the mood
14:29jim here's a copy from my master's story
14:32i can't find miles and i have to fly to florida for the weekend
14:35our parents condo fell into a sinkhole
14:38they're fine they were in church when god decided to swallow up the master bedroom the lanai and half the cadillac
14:49i'm sorry to hear of your loss i offer my most heartfelt condolences
14:54i just can't believe all the bad luck people at work are having
15:02people who've
15:03had the football tickets
15:07i know you're all gonna think this sounds like southern mumbo jumbo
15:11but it's almost as if those tickets were cursed
15:14oh no
15:15it comes into the curse is ludicrous
15:17and i'll prove it
15:18frank you got those tickets
15:20now i'm going to the game and nothing bad will happen to me
15:25frank just gave you the tickets
15:29he didn't give you the tickets
15:31frank you didn't give him the tickets
15:33tell him
15:34how can you think about football at a time like this
15:36the earth is shifting beneath my parents
15:38you know how they don't like change
15:40they used to complain when a new dance team was introduced on lawrence wealth
15:43i'm worse thinking about your parents
15:46that's why i didn't ask for the tickets right away
15:48who said wow frank are your parents okay huh
15:51whose mouth did those words come out of
15:53first i tried being sensitive with miles
15:55then i was sensitive with you
15:56and what has it gotten me
15:57squat
15:58i don't have time for this
16:00i have to catch a plane
16:01of all the weekends for their place to crumble
16:03it had to be this one
16:05it's like every time faith gets nauseous
16:08my life is the bucket
16:09jim has the tickets
16:16i walk away for two minutes
16:18and jim has the tickets
16:19how did this happen
16:19sinkhole
16:20the tickets are cursed
16:22what's good
16:24i've been thinking
16:25you and i haven't had a chance to spend a lot of time together outside of the workplace
16:30and i'm like that's going to work on a man of jim's intelligence
16:34and perception
16:36and keen sense of judging
16:38oh put away your encyclopedias i'm not buying but since you two are so desperate to go
16:44i think i think i'll take um doris
16:48this is right
16:50this ticket is going to be wasted on a woman who'll probably spend the whole game waiting in line to buy one of those foam fingers she finds so amusing
16:57and why am i doing it because i can my yapping little collier
17:02hey there jim i just got a message for you
17:06oh no don't let it be his prostate
17:08seems that uh john mcgoff has come up once short for his weekly mcgofflin group so he called a network for a replacement and the brass volunteered you
17:20what
17:21what
17:21hey doesn't that show tape on a sunday
17:24i believe it does
17:25there's more
17:28you're invited to mcgofflin's house after the taping to help him break in his new hot tub
17:33swimsuits are optional
17:36here it is
17:40the curse
17:41jim's pants
17:43miles break up with audrey
17:45frankstein cole
17:46and now you
17:47and a hot tub with john mcgofflin
17:49and one of your little one sees it
17:51fine
17:54you all won't be happy until someone loses an eye
17:56another one of the clothlin's parties
18:00invites all the sunday shows and those face the nation people have been passing around the same foot fungus for years
18:07this time i'm wearing my flip flops and i'm not taking them off
18:11here
18:12i hope these aren't cursed
18:14well this is an interesting development
18:25kind of like it's your 10th birthday and your parents give you half a pony
18:29any thoughts on what to do now
18:33this may sound crazy but
18:37what would you think about trying to do the mature thing
18:40you'd have to walk me through it
18:42it's been a while since i've done the mature thing
18:44well i think it has something to do with
18:47making the most of the situation
18:49going to the game together
18:50maybe even having a good time
18:52instead of trying to outmaneuver each other for the second ticket
18:55oh what the hell let's give it a shot
18:59in fact i'll even drive us to the game
19:02great
19:03it'll give us the chance to get to know each other a little better
19:06did you know that i'm a recovering alcoholic
19:10i can tell you all about it on the way to the game
19:13during the game
19:14on the way home from the game
19:16terrific
19:18and did you know that i've dabbled in dianetics
19:20i'll bring along the book
19:24i think you'll find page 47 especially helpful
19:26the sideline's a hundred yards
19:29with any luck we'll never see each other
19:31i'm counting on it
19:32great news miles
19:36i just spoke with abdel shafi
19:39the chief palestinian representative
19:41and he's promised me full access
19:43to the plans for self-rule in gaza
19:45yeah well i just spoke to prime minister rabin
19:48in hebrew and he gave me an exclusive interview
19:50so i guess my contacts are just a little bit better than yours
19:54yeah well i'll match my rolodex against yours any day
19:56you're on and miles will decide whose is better
19:59whole number should count twice as much as office
20:01any better spot check is to make sure it's up to date
20:03stop it
20:03can't you people see i'm in pain here
20:08what do i have to do to get some sympathy around here
20:12cut a vein
20:13or as i light a sticky pool
20:19would both of you still be screaming at me
20:21to make a decision with my last dying gurgle
20:23i think you would
20:25miles you're right
20:35i've been completely insensitive to a co-worker and a friend
20:40you know how i get when i'm onto a story it's like i'm wearing blinders
20:44but that doesn't excuse the way i acted
20:46i don't know how i can make it up to you
20:50but i do know one thing
20:53i can't keep this football ticket
20:56it's connected to your pain and i don't want any part of it
20:59murphy's right
21:15what you just said really struck a nerve
21:17i know the pain of losing someone you love because you can't be there for them
21:23and i also know i can't profit from your pain either
21:26i am touched
21:38i really am
21:40to see two gestures as beautiful
21:44it makes my decision as to who gets the meatiest story
21:49all that much harder
21:51but i do have to make a decision
21:54so here goes
21:56you're going to the mid-east together
22:01yep yep yep you both have different angles
22:06you're both equally qualified and you're both unbelievably transparent
22:09i don't share stories okay
22:19neither do i
22:20well wake up and smell the falafel you're sharing this one
22:23you've got a 16-hour plane trip to work it all out
22:27thank you thank you this is the first moment in days i've actually managed to forget about audrey
22:37this is all your fault it was my idea to throw down the ticket first if you hadn't followed with that
22:46hollow copycat gesture we wouldn't be in this mess
22:49oh yeah and your gesture was so sincere i kept waiting for you to mention your dog checkers
22:53you know what you are you know i'm going to save it for that long wait going through israeli customs
23:02i'm bringing my walk now
23:12where's my ticket
23:14you give a very touching speech about how you didn't want the ticket
23:16sorry
23:18now wait a second i thought you said those tickets were cursed
23:23that's before i had them
23:27i thought you were going to have to go to the court and she comes through in a pinch
23:30so i know i'm going to have to explain a little bit of the game to you but we'll still have a great time
23:35where's my ticket
23:37your ticket
23:39i just heard you give a very touching speech about how you didn't want the ticket
23:43sorry
23:44what
23:45it's for me on tv
23:47i'll be the one standing where you two would have been
23:49you'll pay for this sherwood those tickets are cursed
23:57you'll wake up tomorrow when of age 50 years you'll be a prune
24:01a perky little prune
24:03isn't it exciting
24:20to celebrate our 20th anniversary we're gonna party like it's 1985
24:26with a lineup of hit shows from the year nick at night began
24:31it's nick at night's 20th anniversary celebration
24:34three nights starting tuesday june 21st at 10 p.m
24:38take that away from me