Murphy Brown Season 5 Episode 24 Ship Of Phil's
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00At the light, he finished his bottle. He's out for the night.
00:02Oh, God. I'm gonna have to lay off the Dr. Seuss for a while.
00:07How long are you gonna be gone again?
00:10Eldon, I told you, the poker game is gonna go all night,
00:13but I should be back tomorrow before Avery wakes up.
00:16Now, if there's any problem, you can just call me on Phil's houseboat.
00:19Any sign of Miles yet?
00:20Not yet. You know how I get seasick every year?
00:23He's probably still at home, scotch-guarding his shoes.
00:27Poor lad.
00:27I can still picture it last year, draped over the railing,
00:30doing the old heave-ho halfway down the Potomac.
00:33That big blue fish followed us for hours.
00:37Look, are you sure this is such a good idea?
00:39I mean, what if Avery wakes up at 3 a.m. and wants a lullaby from you?
00:42Now, the only way I could possibly approximate your singing voice
00:45would be to throw, like, half a dozen forks into the garbage disposal.
00:49I mean, even that might prove to be too melodic.
00:52Eldon, what are you worried about?
00:54It's not like this is the first time you've stayed along with Avery.
00:56I know, but it's a boat thing, okay?
01:00You know, we Bernickees have never been a seafaring people.
01:03And correct me if I'm wrong here, but wasn't the whole point of evolution
01:07to move the species out of the water and onto land?
01:10Also, I just watched The Little Mermaid.
01:12Let me tell you, there's some pretty scary things down here.
01:17Eldon, we're just going 30 miles down the Potomac,
01:20a river not known for talking crabs or evil sea witches.
01:23Unless you count the time I saw Leona Helmsley
01:26shoving her accountant off the back of her yacht.
01:29Okay, fine, you go.
01:31But mark my words, the sea can be a cruel mistress,
01:34cold and dark, eager to break a man's spirit,
01:37swallow up a human life.
01:40Or is that Romanian women?
01:41Where the heck is Miles?
01:47He's cutting into valuable poker time.
01:49I know, I wanted to get to the marina early.
01:51Phil said I could take the boat out this year.
01:54Really?
01:55Traditionally, I'm the one that takes us out.
01:57Yeah, well, Phil said I could drive the boat this year.
02:01I see.
02:02Incidentally, Frank, you don't drive a boat.
02:04The proper term is pilot.
02:05You pilot the boat.
02:06Oh, pilot drive?
02:09What difference does that make?
02:10The difference is one is right and one is wrong.
02:14Hello, can we get our priorities straight here?
02:17Tonight is about poker.
02:19Our annual go-for-broke, bare-fisted,
02:22blood-on-the-walls game of poker
02:23that will leave four grown men crying
02:25as I break their wills and pocket their cash.
02:28Yeah, right.
02:29You have been saying the same thing for 15 years, Murph,
02:31and every year, the night ends with Phil
02:34doing his victory dance
02:36with you soaking over on a corner
02:37eating the last two feet of a six-foot hoagie.
02:41Well, Frank, tonight is going to be different.
02:43Phil is going down big time
02:45and I'm the one taking it there.
02:46Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:48Here's a little test.
02:49Starboard, right side of the vessel or left?
02:52Which is it?
02:54Amateur.
02:54Well, look who decided to show, Captain Queasy.
03:04Not anymore.
03:05I just stopped at the pharmacy
03:06and picked up these motion sickness remedies.
03:08This year, that big blue fish
03:09is going to have to find his own dinner.
03:12Well, I've got a card game to win.
03:13Jim, give me the keys to your car.
03:15We've got to make up for lost time.
03:16You're driving?
03:17Oh, God, I better take a couple pills now.
03:22Ahoy!
03:22Ahoy yourself?
03:23What are you doing here?
03:25Well, you invited me to your poker party, remember?
03:27Well, we invite you every year,
03:28but you never come.
03:30I know, but I was sitting at home alone
03:32reflecting on my life and my divorce
03:34and how this is a time for me to expand and grow.
03:37You bring money?
03:38You bet.
03:39Get in the car.
03:40We're going.
03:43Reef some in.
03:44Pearl to Ginny.
03:50Doesn't it feel like we're rocking a lot?
03:53I think we're rocking a lot.
03:57Actually, it's no surprise.
03:59What with Frank operating this vessel
04:01like it's some horsey ride outside Kmart.
04:05Oh, Frank, I'd be more than happy
04:08to take the helm from you.
04:09Oh, that's okay, Jim.
04:11I'm just about to park the boat anyway.
04:13Park the boat.
04:14Man has a nautical sense of a navel orange.
04:19Reduce.
04:21Now, this over here, Corky,
04:24is a plot commemorating the winner
04:27of each year's poker game.
04:30And you'll notice my name engraved on it 15 times.
04:34Yeah, well, you keep polishing it real good, Skipper.
04:38I want it to sparkle nicely
04:39when my name goes on it tonight.
04:41Well, we're all set.
04:43I just threw that big black iron thing
04:46off the side of the boat.
04:48Get some anchor, damn it.
04:49Say it.
04:50Say it.
04:51You are so easy.
04:52Guys, when can we start playing cards?
04:58Thomas, my banker,
04:59I'll be making a large deposit tomorrow morning.
05:02Opie widened the door of the vault
05:04so I can get my wheelbarrow.
05:05Oh, there you are.
05:07Yes, sir.
05:09Uh-oh.
05:10Quintana's got his lucky hat on.
05:13I'm scared now.
05:14Oh, you just back it up with your cards, Ace.
05:19Let's add him up.
05:22Okay, same rules as always.
05:24Five card draw, three raise limit.
05:26When you're out of money, you're out of the game.
05:29Now, Corky, are you sure you understand everything?
05:32Actually, I do have a question, Frank.
05:35What's the suit called?
05:36It's black and it's shaped like a little three-leaf clover.
05:39That's called a club.
05:42A club.
05:43Okay.
05:44Now, how would you like me to go get one
05:46and hit you over the head with it?
05:48I know what I'm doing, Frank.
05:50I read a book on poker strategy this afternoon.
05:53Well, I'm going to be reading a book tomorrow morning.
05:55My big book.
05:57And what a nice, fat book it will be.
05:59Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:02I'll bet back.
06:03Oh, me too.
06:03I'm in.
06:04I'm out.
06:05Here we go again.
06:07Sorry, Murphy.
06:07That's the game I play.
06:09Percentages.
06:10The cards aren't there.
06:11Neither am I.
06:12No sense throwing good money after bad.
06:14No use getting emotional about it.
06:16I mean, no, it's like playing with a corpse.
06:20History.
06:21A corpse with a full understanding of nautical terminology.
06:27Check.
06:28I bet one dollar.
06:31I'll see that.
06:32Raise your five.
06:34That's six to me.
06:36All right, Cole.
06:39Too rich for my blood.
06:41Check Wilson's big book of poker.
06:45Chapter five.
06:46Talk like a winner.
06:50I'm in.
06:51Okay.
06:52Show him.
06:55Oh, yes!
06:57Three bullets.
06:58Very nice.
06:59Welcome to Mama.
07:01Tough luck there, Murphy.
07:03You too, Captain.
07:05It's good to see you enjoying yourself, Murphy.
07:08There's such a nice change of pace from that deep, dark depression you'll be entering in
07:14about two hours.
07:15Keep on dreaming, Tutts.
07:17Well, I'm out.
07:19What do you mean you're out?
07:21Frank hasn't even started dealing the cards yet.
07:23I mean, I'm out of the game.
07:25I'm out of money.
07:26You mean all you're brought was several dollars?
07:28No, of course not.
07:29I had 40.
07:31But when I went to the pharmacy for the C6 stuff, they wouldn't take a credit card.
07:35And I sort of picked up a few other things.
07:37Toothbrush, slippers, batteries.
07:40And then there was that canister by the register to save the seal pups.
07:43That always gets me.
07:44Oh, for the mother of me.
07:46Here, Miles.
07:47I'll loan you some money so you can stay in the game.
07:50Oh, no, you don't.
07:51With Mr. Stop and Shop gone, it's just one less roadblock between me and Victory.
07:56If you're hungry, Miles, there's sandwiches in the fridge.
07:59Liverwurst, egg salad, pimento low.
08:02No, no, no, no, Phil.
08:04I had a late lunch.
08:05If you dig down in the back there, there may be a jar of cream parry.
08:11I have to leave now.
08:14The first is fallen.
08:16Who will be the next?
08:17James, it's you.
08:19I'm out.
08:19Oh, stop the pressure.
08:22Oh, darn.
08:24Oh, this isn't a hand.
08:26It's a foot.
08:26Terrible set of cards.
08:30I can't believe my luck.
08:34Oh, well.
08:35Came here to play.
08:38Might as well stay in.
08:42Even if it is a bad hand.
08:46I'm out.
08:47Frank, you're not going to stay in, are you?
08:51Well, think about it, Murph.
08:53Nobody could bluff that badly.
08:56I see you're a bit quirky and raise you two.
09:03Two it is.
09:04How many cards you want?
09:06Um, none.
09:08You don't want any cards?
09:11You mean you want to stay with that hand?
09:14Mm-hmm.
09:15Oh, wait a minute.
09:17You want me to think you have a good hand now?
09:19That is very crafty of you, Sherwood.
09:22Not bad for a rookie.
09:24But I'm not going to play that game.
09:26No, no, no, no.
09:27Let's see.
09:27I will take two cards.
09:29All right.
09:33Oh.
09:35Free back.
09:36I'll see your three.
09:43Raise you...
09:45Eight.
09:47Nope.
09:48Two.
09:49Nope.
09:51Five.
09:52What is she doing?
09:53You don't know what she's doing.
09:55All right, all right.
09:56Just wait a minute.
09:56Now, think this through.
09:57She's acting like someone who has a good hand
09:59but wants me to think she has a bad hand.
10:01Yet her bluff was so bad that I knew she had a bad hand.
10:05Although she didn't take any cards,
10:07which meant she had a good hand,
10:08so I was wrong the first hand.
10:09Or I was right.
10:11She did have a bad hand.
10:13Oh, for that sake, make up your mind.
10:15I can smell your brain burning.
10:19Okay, okay.
10:20Uh...
10:21I'll...
10:24raise you...
10:27I suppose...
10:33Two jacks, seven...
10:39You didn't have anything!
10:40I'm so good!
10:42I'm so good!
10:43I'm so good!
10:44I'm so good!
10:45Stupid hat!
10:46Oh, that's ridiculous, Frank,
10:47blaming your loss on a hat.
10:49Oh, you're right.
10:50It's not a hat.
10:51This stupid shop!
10:53Warning you, Frank, the pants go and I'm walking.
10:57Hey there, boys and girls.
10:59Come on out on deck.
11:00There's a full and groovy moon out tonight.
11:03Is everything all right, Miles?
11:05You...
11:06You seem a little peculiar.
11:07No.
11:08Feeling really bitchin'.
11:13Miles!
11:14You didn't take any more of those seasick pills, did you?
11:17I took the pills.
11:18I drank the liquid.
11:19I wear the patch.
11:22The word on the street is,
11:23this dude is proper.
11:26Miles, you don't take too many of those things.
11:28They can have a bad effect.
11:29I mean, my father took too many when I sent him on that anniversary.
11:32Cruise.
11:33He ended up on stage during the Aloha Review bumping and grinding with the Bob Baker marionettes.
11:41I wanna party with that cat.
11:44Don't you worry about me, Frank Garoni, the San Francisco treat.
11:48Oh.
11:49I am medicated, lubricated, and working it out.
11:54Ba-na-na-na.
11:55Ba-na-na.
11:56Ba-na-na.
11:57Ba-na-na.
11:58That's just ba-na-na.
12:02Ha-ha-ha.
12:03Ha-ha-ha.
12:04Ha-ha-ha-ha!
12:05Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
12:09Ha-ha-ha-ha!
12:10Read them and weep!
12:11That's not sure.
12:12Now the floors show up.
12:13I don't understand it.
12:14You pay the percentages, you go by the rules, where does it get you?
12:15standard you play the percentages you go by the rules where does it get you
12:20same place it gets you every year jimmy jim jimbo
12:22checked into the hotel loser where corkey miles and frank are drowning
12:26their sorrows in the i lost my shirt lounge
12:29how about a little less talking a little more card play
12:33miles you better go lie down now can't touch this barrel there now
12:51i am not having a good time well i'm gonna have to bet 20.
12:58fine see your 20 raise 20. you're blowing smoke big man
13:08that makes 40. well why not i'm overdue cards about you murphy two jim i'll take three two for the dealer
13:22that's it i'm out here's my last dollar i'd like you to share it
13:34why should i go home with anything more than the clothes on my back
13:38excuse me
13:42good lord when will it end haven't i given my pound of flesh first kidney stones and that prostate thing
13:49to know this jobe if you want me take me low
13:56too worried not unless we hear a splash
14:00why would that sierra's refreshing
14:05well phil here we are again you and me mano a mano yeah just the two of us doing the dance of death
14:13the last one is standing and history tells us who that will be well phil i got news for you you are no
14:21longer facing the same old murphy brown 39 and a half hours of labor and five months of breastfeeding
14:28have only made me stronger tonight my name goes on that plaque oh if i had a buck for every time
14:36you said that oh i guess i do
14:42what time is it 4 a.m oh man it happened again every year i think this is gonna be fun
14:52every year i end up broke asleep on this couch lying in a puddle of my own drool
14:59why do i do this to myself because it's about three steps up to be a personal life at home
15:07i'm sorry frank i mean what i do
15:10you'll be a fool to stay in this hand but if you want to it's gonna cost you 50 bucks
15:21now you know what they say phil fools rush in where angels fear to tread
15:26of course no angel ever had hand like this i will see your bet and raise you a hundred
15:35look phil it's getting late so i'll make this quick i will see your bet and raise you everything
15:54what's going on
15:59sorry phil you know the rules if you can't cover the bet
16:03ding ding welcome to the hotel loser i'll have the bell i'll take your paper bag up to your room
16:09you're not so fast murphy
16:14this all covered i'm putting in my boat are you great
16:18phil you can only bet the money you bring to the table
16:22oh come on murphy give me a break here this streak has lasted for 15 years if i'm gonna go
16:28down let me go down swinging we can't fold this without showing our hands i'd show you the same
16:34consideration okay in that case let me make it even
16:40oh your porsche what are you guys nuts a a car a boat oh crying out loud you don't want to do this
16:52guys what's going on this has gotten completely out of hand oh it's okay jim i see the problem
16:58look we can't have this it's one minute to air and prime minister churchill still doesn't have his
17:03makeup on it it's an honor to have you here on fyi blessings everyone in five four three four five
17:15miles come on let's go watch the tv from the sound booth why mrs roosevelt you coy little min
17:23okay phil this is it high noon what have you got oh murphy there's only four sixes in the deck
17:39and it's such a rare and beautiful thing to see them all together
17:46oh that is beautiful sight all right phil but not as beautiful as four nights
17:58all right
18:04get the photographer no no no no call dean graver no wait just give me a knife i'm gonna cart it in myself
18:09say what you will the woman's a classy winner
18:15you know you you dream of something for 15 years and then you think it can't possibly be as sweet as
18:22you imagined but you are wrong it's even sweeter oh baby oh fresh magic how do you think my name should
18:34appear on the flag corky block type script or those universal symbols they use on space probes so that
18:41undiscovered civilizations will know what transpired here and be able to pass it on to their people in
18:46song and story i don't care murphy i'm tired i'm bored and i want to go home how many times can i read the
18:54same stupid fish magazine restyle miles hair while he's passed out on deck there you go murphy
19:04registration slip maintenance records extra set of keys phil how many times do i have to tell you
19:14i'm not taking your boat we both got a little crazy last night and bet more than we should have but in the
19:20light of day we realize that right uh murphy don't make this any harder than it is i've never welshed
19:28on a bet in my entire life and i'm not about to start now you won the boat fair and square
19:36hey murph look jim's been driving the boat for a while we're almost home how about letting me dock it
19:42don't ask me frank it's phil's boat phil don't ask me it's perfect spoke i don't care frank great
19:53oh jim murphy said i could do it oh murphy said murphy said you little mama's boy
19:59hi guys
20:11oh
20:15last night fun huh good friends having good times crazy times crazy times where anything can happen
20:30you don't remember any of it do you miles of course i do i remember everything oh my hair has a point
20:42who did this to me i don't know miles i pretty much started ignoring you after you put that slice
20:47of cheese on your head as a yarmulke and introduced yourself as cheddar the yeshiva boy
20:51i can get through the rest of this day without getting struck by lightning i swear i will never
21:00set foot on phil's boat again it's murphy's boat now is it only because phil's too proud to take it
21:07back well i've got a little trick up my sleeve that's going to change his mind the two of us are
21:12going to cut cards my card gets the boat murphy you're going to play cards that's what got you into
21:19this mess in the first place yep and it's going to get me out of it there is now
21:24only one two in this deck and i know exactly where it is it's a little trick i learned from pen and
21:31tell her only i'm leaving out the part where i stick the fondue forks into my eyes you better get
21:38out on deck miles there's a seagull nesting in one of your loafers and the curse begins
21:47cover your eyes miles that's what they go for
21:50phil i still say this whole thing is nuts if you won't let me give you the boat back then at
21:57least let me give you a chance to win it back oh i can't do that murphy come on phil 35 years of
22:04memories look at this you and jack kennedy fishing off the back of the boat
22:14hugh and tip o'neill doing cannonballs off the side yeah we went through a whole lot of sunblock that day
22:21look at this phyllis's old bathing cap oh actually that belonged to j edgar hoover
22:35he crashed one of our fourth of july weekends wearing a hot pink sundress and calling himself
22:41miriam god that man can rumba
22:48that's what i'm talking about phil good memories great memories strange memories memories we're
22:54gambling for oh geez murphy i don't know come on phil i once on a fluke one lucky hand in 15 years
23:05how can i enjoy the boat knowing that so why don't we settle this once and for all you pull high card
23:11you keep the boat i pull high card then i'll just keep it and that'll be the end of it
23:18well it is kind of tempting after all i'm pretty fond of the old girl of course you are so you should
23:27be so what do you say let's go for it well since you put it that way
23:38oh thank you let's go in frank me you were riding piloting co-piloting
23:45hey what happened up there we were we had a little bit of an accident while we were docking jim
23:54hit another boat not just any boat what in the blazes you people think you're doing over there
24:00bolter cronkite spoke hey hey do you hear me who's the owner of this garbage scowl he wants to talk to
24:08you skipper me i'm not the skipper you are you won the boat you were gonna cut the cards yeah who's to
24:17say i would have won trust me good lord we're going down betsy betsy grab the cat
24:24so
24:30oh
24:36oh
24:38oh
24:40oh