Murphy Brown Season 6 Episode 10 Reaper Madness
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Normally, I'd have my coffee ready by now, but you missed it kind of there, but, you know, we still have three hours until we go on the air.
00:06Make that haphazard safety inspections, and, you know, there's really no reason Miles has to know about this.
00:11You know how the guy always panics when he thinks you wait until the last minute?
00:14Frank, did you get my clears from legal? You know if I don't have my showtime, I have no story. Do you hear me? I have no story.
00:21Hey, hey, hey, I was here first.
00:23So what, Frank? Everybody expects you to be late. I have a reputation to protect.
00:27Oh, and what's that supposed to mean? I'm not always waiting. Keep typing, Frank.
00:31Hey, hey, hey. What's all this about?
00:37No? Let me guess. You waited until the last minute again, didn't you, Frank?
00:42Not really. I... So did Corky. She has no clearance.
00:47Tattletale.
00:48Miles, don't be upset. I'll get a gunner on you, Mike.
00:52I know. I'm not worried.
00:54You're not?
00:54If I've learned anything from Audrey leaving me, it's that I've got to start putting things in perspective.
01:00Do you guys realize this is my 163rd show as executive producer of FYI?
01:06163 times it's come down to the wire, and we've always pulled it off.
01:10Miles, I have no commentary for tonight's show.
01:15Oh?
01:15I was all prepared to address the issue of urban flight when I found out Koppel covered the exact same subject Monday on Nightline, complete with my Conestoga wagon metaphor.
01:26Nothing.
01:28Now, Jim, we're not gonna panic. You always keep a few extra commentaries in your drawer for just such an emergency, right?
01:33That's what I'm trying to tell you, Miles. The drawer is empty. The well is dry.
01:37All I found was make way for the metric system on the half-finished Gary Hart. There's no stopping him now.
01:45Okay, okay. It's still okay. You thought you were dry before, but you weren't.
01:49The rains always come. Replenishing that well, irrigating the fertile topsoil of your brain.
01:56I want blind in here.
01:58Work talk only.
01:58Go ahead, Jim. No pressure.
01:59Hey there, everybody. What a great day.
02:07You ever had one of those stories where everything just falls into place?
02:10I'm telling you, it's like this one practically wrote itself.
02:13That's nice, sir.
02:14Yep. I had the whole day free, so Avery and I went to the zoo.
02:18Look what I got.
02:19Everybody must have been at work or something because we practically had the whole place to ourselves.
02:25Health care, child care, welfare, bad air, the neighbor's damn dog.
02:29I guess I've got nothing to do until showtime, huh?
02:33Is that great or what?
02:36Great?
02:41There's nothing great.
02:42Jim's dry, Bryce late, and Corky's gonna get us soon.
02:46So what if we've pulled it off for 163 shows?
02:49Maybe it's the 164th that's the killer.
02:51Go away. We're still working here.
02:55Oops.
02:55And here I am, bragging about having nothing to do.
03:00Guys, I am really, really sorry.
03:03I feel awful.
03:06Awful good!
03:08Everything better about not having to work is not having to work when everyone else does.
03:13This day just keeps getting better and better and better.
03:16There's a whole lot of water.
03:19Talking girl, Bobby, listen.
03:20I'm gonna need for you to...
03:21I'm the one.
03:22Just the person I was looking for.
03:23Could I see you for a minute?
03:25Mal?
03:25Murph, look, I'm really swamped here.
03:27Ah, ah, sure.
03:28You're swamped.
03:29I understand.
03:29No problem.
03:30Even though this would just take a second, one teeny tiny moment out of your day.
03:35But if you're swamped, you're swamped.
03:37I understand.
03:39You don't have time for me.
03:41Sorry to bother you.
03:43Okay, okay.
03:45I'm coming.
03:46Boy, you are really getting this mother thing down.
03:49What's up?
03:50What's up?
03:51I just have one quick question, Frank, and then you can go.
03:54Shoot.
03:55What do you think happens when we die?
03:57Excuse me?
03:58You know, when we pass on by the farm, take the big dirt nap, what do you think happens?
04:06Do you think this is it, or do you think there's something more?
04:09And if so, what's it like?
04:10Okay, that's three questions, so I lied.
04:12Well, this is what you come up with when you have a half hour of free time?
04:16No wonder you don't like to go on vacation.
04:20Childhood, the early years, yeah?
04:22So, I had a little free time.
04:23I started catching up on my reading, and I started skimming ahead.
04:27There's only so much you can read about potty training.
04:30And I came to this chapter here, when your child asks about death.
04:36Death, Frank.
04:37I haven't even figured out how I'm going to explain the Reagan years.
04:43Aren't you rushing this a little?
04:45I mean, Avery's barely talking.
04:47Frank, he is very advanced.
04:49He's already learned how to climb out of his crib.
04:51How long before he walks into my room, pulls the pacifier out of his mouth, and says,
04:55Mom, I'm having an existential crisis.
05:00You're serious about this, aren't you?
05:02You really want to talk about it.
05:03Yes, I do, Frank.
05:04It's the one thing we all have to face, and nobody wants to talk about it.
05:08You are my best friend.
05:10And I know so many intimate things about you, but I don't know how you feel about death.
05:15Personally, I'm against it.
05:18Frank, Frank, you're not comfortable talking about it.
05:21No, no, no.
05:22Look, you just caught me by surprise.
05:24I am not uncomfortable with this.
05:26In therapy, death comes up all the time.
05:29Almost as much as sex.
05:31The only difference is I don't cry as much when we talk about death.
05:35Hey, remind me not to come to you when Avery hits puberty.
05:42Okay, okay.
05:42I'm sorry.
05:43I am going to help you with this.
05:45So, one of these days, you're going to have to talk to your kid about death.
05:49Well, why don't you just start by telling him what you believe?
05:54That's just it, Frank.
05:55I don't know what I believe.
05:57I always avoided thinking about it.
05:59I guess I figured that if you didn't think you were going to die, you wouldn't.
06:03Hey, it's worked so far.
06:07What about your parents?
06:09They must have told you something.
06:10Yeah.
06:11When I asked my mother, she said, you have too much free time on your hands, and she signed
06:15me up for tennis lessons.
06:17My father's answer was, if you pull the plug on a refrigerator, does it keep running?
06:22And it's five to seven.
06:23I thought goodwill came to take us away.
06:26You're lucky.
06:27My parents sent me to Catholic school.
06:29Death was practically a required course.
06:32Heaven, hell, purgatory, limbo.
06:36I'll tell you something.
06:37When you've got Sister Mary Catherine standing over you saying that one peep into the girl's
06:42locker room could condemn you for all eternity, you believed her.
06:45That woman had a muscle in her right arm the size of my head.
06:51I don't know.
06:52It's just too much pressure.
06:53I should have been a parent 40 years ago when parents were expected to screw up their kids.
06:58Man, that Catholic school stuff stayed with me for years.
07:02Then I started seeing stuff that sort of shook my faith.
07:07After reporting from Beirut, Belfast, Cambodia, throwing to hell for seeing Patty Hagan change
07:13into her field hockey uniform didn't make that much sense anyway.
07:16Now, I know.
07:18I always thought if there was a benevolent being, then how do you explain all of the injustice
07:23and the suffering and the Chicago Cubs?
07:30Some things we just can't explain.
07:33So, after one, what I started doing was looking for answers someplace else.
07:37I met this woman named Andrea.
07:39She got me into Eastern religion and Swami Sukhananda.
07:44He taught that death was a return to the universal soul.
07:50But then the Swami got caught skinning donations to buy a Gap franchise.
07:55Then there was Robin.
07:58She got me into Buddhism.
07:59Then it was Celia and the Christian scientists.
08:01Or was that Judy and the Rastafarian?
08:04What's the matter, Frank?
08:04Couldn't you find an Amish chick?
08:06This is death and the meaning of life we're talking about here.
08:11I guess I was just looking for a comforting answer.
08:14Okay, so what about now?
08:16Well, I don't know.
08:17I'm not really seeing anyone right now.
08:21Frank, I've got to get back to work.
08:22Otherwise, I'm never going to be ready for the show.
08:24Okay, just one more thing, Frank.
08:27With all of your doubts and searching and exploring alternative religions,
08:31how come you still go to confession?
08:33Well, if Sister Mary Catherine was right,
08:36I'm going to need all the help I can get here.
08:43So, what are you reading there, kid?
08:47Death and dying, life after death,
08:50Tibetan book of the dead.
08:54Murphy, honey, reading all this and eating my meatloaf,
08:57how's it going to look?
09:03I'm just doing some research, Phil.
09:05You know, in case the subject ever comes up with Avery.
09:08Phil, you've got kids.
09:10Any chance they never ask?
09:11Yeah.
09:12And not when you've got eight kids,
09:14and the easiest thing to win at the school carnival
09:16is a baggie full of goldfish.
09:19On really hot days,
09:21the grieving started even before we left the park.
09:24So, what did you tell them?
09:26Oh, that death isn't the end,
09:29and everything goes on in one form or another.
09:34You know, it's been almost four years since my dad died,
09:39and I still talk to him about once a week.
09:41You talk to him?
09:42Sure.
09:43I like to tell him how the family's doing,
09:47ask his opinion about the business.
09:49Oh, I don't know if he hears me,
09:53but nobody's ever going to convince me
09:55that it wasn't Dad that guided me into buying that cappuccino machine.
09:59Three dollars and fifty cents
10:03for a thimble full of coffee and some steamed milk?
10:06Dad would have loved the 90s.
10:09Let me get this straight, Phil.
10:11You think you have a direct line to the hereafter,
10:13and you're talking about appliances?
10:15If it were me,
10:16I'd be looking to nail him on the bigger questions.
10:18Where are you?
10:19What's it like there?
10:20Is it tough to get in?
10:21Oh, hey, I can find out all those things when I get there.
10:25Right now, we've got a business to run.
10:31Murphy, glad I found you.
10:33I'm shifting the order for the show.
10:35You're no longer up first.
10:36Now, I know you're not happy about this,
10:38but we go on the air in a little over an hour,
10:40and I don't have time to debate.
10:41Miles, did you know that story
10:43about your hair and fingernails
10:45continuing to grow after you die
10:46is just an old wives' tale?
10:48Apparently, it just seems that way
10:50because your skin actually shrinks when you're dead.
10:55Okay, you're up first.
10:59But this is the last time
11:01I'm getting into one of your threats.
11:04Wait a minute.
11:05I'm dealing with something kind of difficult here.
11:08I thought I could handle it myself,
11:10but what do you think happens when we die?
11:15What do I think happens when...
11:17Why are you talking about this?
11:19People don't talk about this unless...
11:22Oh, my God.
11:24Murphy.
11:25What?
11:26I knew this day would come sooner or later.
11:29It doesn't take a genius to see it.
11:31It's your diet, your stress,
11:33the way you keep your anger all bottled up inside.
11:37Wait.
11:38You don't do that.
11:39I do that.
11:42Miles, I'm not dying.
11:43Oh, thank God.
11:46For a minute there,
11:47an image flashed through my head of this guy
11:49and overall stenciling the name Jane Pauley
11:51on your dressing room door.
11:55After a suitable grieving period, of course.
11:57Well, back to work.
12:00Five more minutes.
12:02I'm trying to figure out what to tell Avery about death,
12:05and since he's half-Jewish,
12:07well, what do you believe happens when we die?
12:12Oh, sure.
12:14You can't start with the easy stuff,
12:15like why we play hide the matzo on Passover.
12:19All right.
12:20Five minutes and I'm out the door.
12:21Jews.
12:26Oh, we don't really talk about heaven and hell
12:29and all that stuff.
12:30We're supposed to focus on the here and now.
12:33We're sort of like the Unitarians that way,
12:35only they don't have to eat gefilte fish.
12:39So let me understand this.
12:41You've got one of the world's major religions.
12:43You've been around for over 5,000 years,
12:46but the subject of the hereafter never came up.
12:49I'm not saying we don't think about it.
12:50You should have seen me as a kid.
12:52I was obsessed with it.
12:53Some kids would play doctor.
12:54I would play funeral.
12:56I used to put my arms over my chest like this,
12:59lie there, and pretend I was dead.
13:00Then all the kids in the neighborhood
13:01would bring sponge cake.
13:02It was really quite lovely.
13:04Miles, I need answers.
13:06You're dead, you get sponge cake,
13:08and then what happens?
13:09You have to wonder what comes next.
13:10Not really, because, well, uh,
13:13I never really talk about this,
13:15but I had a near-death experience once.
13:17This isn't the time you thought
13:18you had Lyme disease, is it?
13:19No, I...
13:20Psychotic fatigue syndrome?
13:21No.
13:21Swine flu?
13:22You want to hear this?
13:23Yes.
13:25I was 9 years old.
13:26We were on a family vacation.
13:28I was eating Cracker Jacks in the backseat
13:30when we hit this bump in the road,
13:31and one of those little candy-coated peanuts
13:33got lodged in my throat.
13:35My mother always used to tell me,
13:36don't eat in the car,
13:37but did I listen?
13:38Yeah, yeah, you're bad to the bone,
13:39so what happened?
13:40I remember choking,
13:44and then I passed out,
13:46and then it was like all those stories you hear.
13:48The tunnel, the bright light,
13:50my Aunt Shirley standing there,
13:52reaching out to welcome me,
13:54which was pretty weird,
13:54because she was living in New Jersey
13:56with my Uncle Sid at the time.
13:59Then, just as I was about to enter the light,
14:01I heard this voice telling me
14:03it wasn't my time yet,
14:04and suddenly, I was back in the car
14:06spitting out that peanut.
14:06I like to think that that voice, Murphy,
14:09was the voice of God.
14:11Of course, it also said,
14:12I told you not to eat in the car,
14:13so it can't be 100%.
14:14But ever since then,
14:18I thought, maybe this life
14:20is just a prelude.
14:21Maybe there's a whole beautiful world
14:23waiting for us after this.
14:25So, let me understand this.
14:27You're basing your whole faith
14:28on an afterlife on a pothole and a peanut?
14:32Well, okay, it's not a burning bush,
14:34but what's the alternative?
14:37That we die, and then that's it?
14:40Don't get me wrong, Miles.
14:41I'd like to believe there's something more.
14:43It's just that I'm having
14:45a very hard time picturing it.
14:47So, what are you picturing?
14:49That we wind up lying
14:50under six feet of topsoil,
14:52our eyelids glued shut,
14:53turning into little piles of mulch?
14:56That we have no soul?
14:58Or if we do, we just drift
15:01for all eternity
15:02in the cold, black emptiness of the void?
15:04Are minds still working?
15:07Trapped in an endless nothingness
15:09stretching on forever,
15:10never, never, never?
15:12Oh, God.
15:13I'm just saying
15:22it happens to all of us.
15:24Hey, I didn't make the rules.
15:25What's the matter with Deedee?
15:28Oh, we were just having
15:29a little chat, that's all.
15:31About what?
15:32Death.
15:33Oh.
15:35Pass the bush, please.
15:36Sparky, I just said we were
15:38talking about death
15:39and you didn't even blink.
15:41Last week, when the curling
15:42I was missing,
15:42we practically had to sedate you.
15:45Oh, I'm sorry,
15:45but that just doesn't
15:46bother me that much.
15:48Now, I'm not saying
15:49that it isn't sad.
15:50In fact, that's why
15:51I never can stay mad at people.
15:53I just picture how I'll feel
15:54when they die,
15:55and I end up forgiving them.
15:57How do you think I've been able
15:58to get along with you
15:59so well, silly?
16:01You've got other people's death.
16:03I'm talking about when you die.
16:05Doesn't that fill you
16:06with some anxiety?
16:09Not really.
16:10When my time comes,
16:12I'm going to heaven.
16:14You sound like one of those
16:15Disneyland commercials.
16:17Sparky Sherman,
16:18you've just been run over
16:19by a speeding bus.
16:20What are you going to do now?
16:22I'm going to heaven.
16:25It's right there in the Bible.
16:27Rejoice and be exceeding glad,
16:29for great is your reward in heaven.
16:31Matthew 5, verse 12.
16:34Or is that the part
16:34where Jesus is washing
16:35lepers' feet?
16:36I always get those
16:37confused things.
16:41Okay.
16:42So, you're going to heaven.
16:44What's it like there?
16:46Well, the streets are all
16:49paved with gold.
16:50There are lots of famous people.
16:52And the buildings shine
16:53with the brilliance
16:54of a thousand lights.
16:56So, you're saying heaven
16:58is like spending eternity
16:59in Las Vegas?
17:01I can't really believe that.
17:02Why not?
17:03Because it doesn't make
17:04any sense.
17:05It's like saying heaven's
17:06up in the clouds somewhere.
17:08I mean, all you have to do
17:08is take a plane trip
17:10and you can kiss
17:10that theory goodbye.
17:12Murphy, what do you think?
17:14God would just plop heaven down
17:16right there in the sky
17:17where any old 747
17:18wandering by
17:20could just plow right into it?
17:23Really?
17:24Give the Lord a little credit.
17:26All right.
17:30For the sake of argument,
17:31you're in heaven, dead.
17:33There's gold streets, bright lights,
17:36lots of famous people.
17:37You can hear Mozart play.
17:39You can watch Nijinsky dance.
17:41It's paradise
17:42for the first millennium
17:44or two.
17:45But then,
17:46after the next 3,000 years,
17:49even Einstein's stories
17:51are starting to get a little stale
17:52and you're checking your watch
17:54looking for the next bus
17:55out of there.
17:56But there is no bus.
17:57Only a weekend shuttle to hell
17:59where you can watch
18:00the 25th billionth performance
18:01of Cats.
18:06There you go.
18:08Dragging all those
18:09earth problems into heaven.
18:11Don't you understand, Murphy?
18:13There aren't going to be
18:15any problems.
18:16If there were,
18:17it wouldn't be heaven.
18:19I'm beginning to think
18:20you're not even trying.
18:21Corky, I am trying.
18:24A part of me would like
18:25to believe the way you do.
18:27You have no doubts.
18:28You're perfectly happy
18:29and content.
18:31Well, it's not that hard.
18:33You just have to have
18:33a little faith.
18:35You know, Murphy,
18:36if you ever wanted to,
18:38you could always join me
18:39at my church sometime.
18:41This Sunday after services,
18:42we're having a potluck lunch
18:43for singles.
18:45Oh, thanks, but no thanks.
18:47They're raffling off a car.
18:49Wow, what a deal.
18:52I could find the Lord,
18:53meet Mr. Wright,
18:54and drive away
18:55in a brand new Buick.
19:01Oh, hi, Jim.
19:03I want to see you came up
19:04with the commentary
19:04for tonight.
19:05Yes, I'm proving it now.
19:07What's it about?
19:08Stress and overcrowding
19:09in contemporary society
19:11with particular attention
19:12paid to my neighbor's
19:13damn dog.
19:17Oh, stop toying with me.
19:21I know what's coming.
19:22Murphy's little death talk.
19:24This is no escaping,
19:25is it?
19:26Don't worry.
19:27I'm through talking about it.
19:29No one's giving me
19:30anything useful all day.
19:32I can't understand it.
19:33So many people fall back
19:35on faith to cope
19:36with the deeper mysteries
19:38of life.
19:38I make the waiter
19:39show me the pot
19:40before I believe
19:41it's decaf.
19:43All right.
19:44Five minutes, people.
19:46I'm sorry, Murphy.
19:47I can't talk about death.
19:49Union rules.
19:54Okay, you're right.
19:55There is no escaping me.
19:57Jim, you go to church,
19:59you seem at peace
20:00with yourself.
20:01I envy that.
20:02I want to understand it.
20:05Yes, well,
20:05there's not much
20:06to understand.
20:07It's just something
20:08Doris and I do.
20:09Yeah, but you do it
20:10Sunday after Sunday.
20:11You must be getting
20:12something from it.
20:13What?
20:14Oh.
20:16So many things.
20:17The music is inspiring.
20:19There's a look of joy
20:20and good fellowship
20:21on the faces
20:22of those around you.
20:24No offense, Jim,
20:25but throw in a plastic slide
20:26and some bouncy balls
20:28and you could be
20:28at Avery's Gymboree class.
20:30There's better
20:30be something more.
20:31Well, yeah,
20:33certainly there's more,
20:35but it's not something
20:37that can be easily articulated.
20:39Oh, come on, Jim,
20:39give it a shot.
20:41What are you hearing
20:42that helps you cope
20:43with life and death?
20:49Nothing.
20:51There.
20:51You happy?
20:52I'm getting nothing.
20:54I don't understand.
20:55Well, I go to church
20:58because I see a world
21:00filled with cruelty and chaos.
21:03I need to believe
21:04that there's some order,
21:06some purpose to all this.
21:08So I surround myself
21:10with the trappings of belief,
21:11hoping that someday
21:12that belief will be mine.
21:15What if there is
21:16no order or purpose?
21:18I'm praying that there is.
21:21Jim, I don't know.
21:22I guess there's just too much
21:23of the reporter in me.
21:24I have to have facts.
21:26And when it comes to death,
21:27the only facts you have
21:28are that you live
21:29and then you die.
21:30Oh, man,
21:31the angel of death
21:31is struck again.
21:34Don't stop on our account, Murphy.
21:36I'm sure there are still
21:37a few people left
21:37in the studio
21:38who haven't been sucked
21:39into your vortex of doom.
21:41In case anyone's interested,
21:43there's a potluck
21:44this Sunday at my church.
21:46Could win a car.
21:47All right,
21:48if you're one's
21:49going to line up behind the hearse,
21:50the procession is about to depart.
21:54Okay, I'm sorry.
21:58I just thought
21:58talking about it would help.
22:00Because whether we want
22:01to face it or not,
22:02death is the elephant
22:04in the room
22:04that no one ever mentions.
22:06And it's coming closer
22:07with every tick of the clock.
22:09In five,
22:11four,
22:11three,
22:12two,
22:14three,
22:14four,
22:14four,
22:14four,
22:15four,
22:16four,
22:16four,
22:17four,
22:18four,
22:18four,
22:19five,
22:20four,
22:21four,
22:22Hi, Eldon.
22:23How's he doing?
22:24Shh, shh.
22:26I've got a dozen times
22:27to eat three little pigs
22:28to finally get him to sleep.
22:30If I have to go through
22:31all the huffing
22:31and puffing
22:32one more time,
22:33I'm going to need
22:33a respirator.
22:37Oh, Eldon.
22:39Look at him.
22:41He's so innocent.
22:44Wouldn't it be great
22:45if he could stay like that?
22:47Never have to face
22:48the big questions
22:50about life
22:50and death.
22:56You read ahead
22:57in that baby book,
22:58didn't you?
22:59I don't know
23:00what to tell him, Eldon.
23:03Think he's too young
23:04for tennis lessons?
23:07You know,
23:08I always thought
23:09that death
23:09has gotten a bum rap.
23:11I mean,
23:12without that big deadline
23:13hanging over our heads,
23:14there would be no
23:15real push
23:16to get anything done.
23:17And what's more,
23:20if we were never
23:21going to die,
23:23you'd have to buy
23:24a whole lot of pants.
23:34I can see you've given
23:36this a lot of thought.
23:39Actually,
23:40no.
23:42But I tell you this,
23:43I do believe
23:44in life after death.
23:45We're just turning.
23:51He's just turning.
23:52You believe in life
23:53after death?
23:54Oh, absolutely.
23:56Oh, but not in the way
23:57that you probably think.
23:58I mean,
23:59I believe that
24:00you live on
24:01in the things
24:02that you create.
24:03Like, for me,
24:04it's my art.
24:06I mean,
24:06that's my immortality.
24:09Maybe you get
24:09something like that, too.
24:10Okay.
24:10Okay.
24:10Okay.
24:15Remind me
24:16to give him
24:17a raise.
24:19I heard that.
24:20I heard that.
24:21I heard that.
24:22I heard that.
24:23I heard that.
24:24I heard that.
24:25I heard that.
24:26I heard that.
24:27I heard that.
24:28I heard that.
24:29I heard that.
24:30I heard that.
24:31I heard that.
24:32I heard that.
24:33I heard that.
24:34I heard that.
24:35I heard that.
24:36I heard that.
24:37I heard that.
24:38I heard that.
24:39I heard that.
24:40I heard that.
24:41I heard that.
24:42I heard that.
24:43I heard that.
24:44I heard that.
24:45I heard that.
24:46I heard that.
24:47I heard that.