Murphy Brown Season 5 Episode 20 To Market, To Market
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TVTranscript
00:00...one for a phenomenal week's work.
00:03Such effort brings to mind the immortal words of Napoleon.
00:07The one who has returned from Moscow said,
00:09Jim, blue stuff's coming out of your shirt.
00:12Oh, for the love of them, this is a brand new shirt.
00:16Why do you order these cheek ballpoint pens, Miles?
00:18This is my fault? How is this my fault?
00:21If you got them so there'd be less offensive life after it's working,
00:24I know I wouldn't take them home.
00:25Not after that box leaked in my purse.
00:27Let's go, car pullers. Time to hit the road.
00:31This pen is precisely what's wrong with the world today.
00:34Nothing is made right anymore.
00:36It's a conspiracy by manufacturers to drive us all insane.
00:39Now, Jim, you're just having a bad day, that's all.
00:43Bad day, my hiney.
00:46Tap here breaks down, coffee machine goes on the fritz.
00:50No one has any pride in what they do anymore.
00:52Yep, no pride. Here's your coat, Jim. Let's roll.
00:54Starts with a leaky pen, and the next thing you know, some momo sitting at a missile silo in North Dakota
00:59is playing his Game Boy with one elbow resting on the annihilation button.
01:03Don't you know it. The world's gone mad.
01:05You guys don't mind if I stop at that market on the corner, do you?
01:08I need to pick something up.
01:09Murphy, not again.
01:10Why do you always do this, the one day of the week that we carpool, Murphy?
01:15I wanted to get to the gym before all the really big sweaty people.
01:21Come on, Garby. It's not for me. It's for Avery.
01:23It was a little cranky when I left this morning
01:25because I only had time to do this little piggy on one of his feet.
01:29He really hates that.
01:30So I thought I'd make it up to him by getting him a jar of his favorite baby food.
01:35What if you'd rather deprive a baby of the nutrients he needs?
01:38All right, and I...
01:38Spare eyes.
01:41Miles, what are you doing? You're holding us up.
01:43I am calling Audrey to tell her I'm gonna be a little late.
01:46I haven't even been living together for two months already. He's henpecked.
01:49What?
01:53I am not henpecked, Frank. I'm being considerate.
01:56That's what you do when you live with someone who doesn't have to be re-inflated periodically.
02:04Hi, hi. It's me. We're leaving now, but Murphy wants to stop at the market, too.
02:09Yeah, I know she always does it.
02:10I am a legend in these parts. Let's move it, people.
02:14I'm telling you, the world is going to hell in a henbasket.
02:16Last week, Doris took the car to have the tires rotated.
02:19I checked them later that night. They hadn't been rotated at all.
02:23The only thing the mechanic rotated was our money into his pocket.
02:27Audrey's feeling a little under the weather, and she wants me to pick something up for her.
02:30Soup.
02:31Chicken soup?
02:32I'm telling you, I'm just going to be in and out. I don't want you two slowing me down.
02:39I'm only buying soup, Murphy. I'll be out of here before you will.
02:42And I'm not waiting in the car with Jim ranting and raving about postal employees.
02:46Two minutes, Corby. I mean it.
02:48Two minutes.
02:55Corby?
02:56Hi.
02:57Hi.
02:57Hi. How are you?
02:59Well, better than I was doing that incredibly boring media banquet.
03:02It was endless, wasn't it?
03:04They had to lift my head off the plate to serve the entree.
03:08Look, I was going to call you, you know, now that you and your husband...
03:14to see if you want to have dinner sometime.
03:16Oh, well, that would be nice, but I'm not really ready to...
03:24Sure.
03:25Yeah, I understand.
03:28Well, I better get going.
03:30My dogs have to be fed.
03:32Yeah, I can't feed those dogs.
03:34Yeah, well...
03:36Well, I'll see you around.
03:39Okay.
03:40Bye.
03:40Bye.
03:47Excuse me.
03:48You seem to be out of baby time, chicken, potato, and green bean dinner.
03:52Do you think you could look and see if you have it in the back?
03:54If you don't see it on the shelf, we don't have it.
04:00You don't have it here.
04:02Isn't there the possibility you might have it in the back?
04:05Absolutely not.
04:09Look, I admire a man who's firm in his convictions,
04:12but would you mind just checking anyway?
04:14See, it's my baby's favorite, and I'd hate to disappoint him.
04:17Lady, life is full of disappointments.
04:20If I have to go in the back there and dig through stacks of boxes
04:22in a dirty storage room
04:24just to come back here and tell you something I already know,
04:26I'll be disappointed.
04:28Look at it this way.
04:30It's easier than explaining to your boss
04:31why you were found unconscious in the baby food aisle
04:34with your apron wrapped around your head.
04:38You got guts, I'll give you that.
04:40Chicken, potato, and green beans, right?
04:46Murphy!
04:47Murphy, I'm hurting.
04:47I'm just waiting.
04:48Look!
04:48It's an amazing photo, I'll admit,
04:54but do you really think that at age 76
04:57President Kennedy would be water skiing?
04:59Not that!
05:00This!
05:01It's a picture of Will at a Hollywood party,
05:04and look who he's with!
05:05Cher?
05:07Cher seen nightclubbing it
05:09with Dutch boy screenwriter Will Forrest.
05:12How could he do this?
05:14The ink isn't even dry on our divorce papers yet!
05:18They're holding hands.
05:19Look at that stupid grin on his face.
05:22He always had that.
05:25Look, Corky,
05:26I'll bet Will doesn't even know Cher.
05:28You know these tabloids?
05:29They always doctor those photos.
05:31This was probably taken of them
05:32coming out of...
05:34church.
05:36Sure.
05:37Look at that dress she's wearing.
05:39What church is it, Murphy?
05:40Our lady of look at my bazooms?
05:41Oh, no, Corky,
05:46you're not gonna start binging again.
05:48You've been handling the divorce so well.
05:50Now I know what he was doing
05:52at 3 in the morning
05:52watching those exercise videos.
05:54He's sick!
05:58Three minutes, right, Corky?
06:00Chicken, potato, green bean,
06:02how about it?
06:02They stopped making it.
06:04What?
06:04What are you talking about?
06:05That's my kid's favorite.
06:06Well, maybe you should have told your kid
06:07to eat a little bit more of it
06:08so you could have kept them in business.
06:10Thank you for shopping at Maytime.
06:15I don't need you.
06:16People have been feeding babies
06:18longer before there were
06:19baby food stackers like you, you know.
06:21I'll just do what they did.
06:23I'll make my own.
06:24Hear that?
06:26Hey, where'd you keep the chicken?
06:28Can I help you find something?
06:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nope, nope.
06:32Just, uh, observing your shelf display here.
06:36I'm with the, uh, marketing division
06:38of Jones, Jones, Jones, and Bernstein.
06:43It always amazes me
06:45just how many of these female
06:47types of products there are.
06:49I mean, if someone were simply told
06:51to, say, pick up a box of pads,
06:55one might, uh, be confused
06:57by all the choices.
06:59You're a first-time buyer, aren't you?
07:06Please, help me.
07:08The person I'm buying them for
07:12is a woman.
07:16She's about, she's about this tall.
07:18She weighs 125 pounds,
07:20and she likes to wear hats,
07:21if that's any help.
07:24Well, you've got your thin maxi,
07:26regular thin, ultra-thin,
07:29curved-width wings,
07:30extra-thick, overnight,
07:33double-ply, heavy-ply...
07:35That's very helpful.
07:35Thank you, thank you.
07:37Uh, look, I'm in a little bit
07:38of a hurry.
07:39Which one of these
07:40would you use?
07:45Not that I'm imagining you,
07:48you know, using any of these.
07:51In fact, you probably don't
07:52use any of these at all.
07:56Not that I'm implying
07:57anything about your age.
08:00You could use these.
08:02I don't know.
08:02I really know nothing about it.
08:03I'll just take these.
08:04Thank you very much.
08:07Excuse me.
08:08Have you tried the Bride de Maud?
08:11I'm wondering if it's as mild
08:13as the Bride de Columier.
08:16Sorry, I've never had it.
08:19You know, when I was in, uh,
08:20France covering the peace summit,
08:23I'm, uh, a reporter.
08:25Mitterrand threw a little, uh,
08:26get-together,
08:27and he just went on and on
08:29about the Bride de Maud.
08:30I said, yes, Francois.
08:32It's very good,
08:33but I'm a man of simple taste.
08:35If he gets one of these
08:37from nine out of ten mice,
08:38that's good enough for me.
08:41He laughed, of course,
08:42in that way that,
08:43that he always does.
08:44Ha, ha, ha, ha.
08:56Miles,
08:57what didn't you please
08:58do this to me, sir?
08:58What?
08:59While I was waiting
09:00out in the car,
09:01a car full of teenagers
09:02pulled into the next spot
09:03over and moved me.
09:04And they all laughed
09:05and drove off.
09:06Uh-huh.
09:06Uh-huh.
09:07Soup, Jim,
09:07have you seen it?
09:08Got fire.
09:09of hooligans our streets used to be safe at night now they've become a virtual battleground
09:13rampant with the very decay of it westphalian ham oh no jim not you too i'm never gonna get out of
09:25here westphalian ham i used to eat it as a boy those summers on cape cod i can still taste its
09:32savory goodness feel the sun warmth of the sun on my face lapping of the waves salt water
09:42stinging the various scrapes on the knee proudly attained by scrambling over rocks with the
09:48mccormick brothers jeez jim next time you sit in the car with the motor running maybe you better
09:54crack the window just be ready in two minutes okay rice flour what the hell is that
10:00cookie westphalian ham it's the best in the world grab me one will you jim i want to pick
10:07up an eight pack of pudding before they're gone i hear they're on special
10:10hey hey to you young man i would like to have a westphalian ham sandwich please
10:28you got it do you want a white wheat or a kaiser roll white always white with mustard tomato and a
10:37slice of swiss wouldn't be the same without the swiss but no less you got it anything else i can get
10:44what are you with that you wouldn't happen to add some salt water in the mccormick brothers back there would
10:51you go ahead i forgot something
10:58excuse me sir i don't believe i've seen you in here before just to fill you in we'll open at seven close at eleven
11:06and have a reputation of not being lenient on shoplifters
11:13shoplifters oh oh you must mean these no i only had them under my jacket to keep them warm
11:21that's the way my wife likes them yep just about the right temperature now
11:28well i have many more items to pick up i mean purchase it's a nice chat with you store manager bob
11:35carry on
11:50excuse me you're making my sandwich on wheat bread i believe i asked for white so now you want it on white
11:56white i always wanted it on white that's what i asked for white i don't think so
12:05i know so i ate this same sandwich every summer for the better part of my youth i never would have
12:11asked for wheat well we'll never know for sure will we okay i'll make it on white if that's what you want
12:17now now the important thing to remember in choosing cantaloupe is that touch doesn't tell you nearly as
12:26as much as smell now i know it's a much more sensuous way to pick fruit but it really works
12:33oh yeah it's a very fresh and musky aroma
12:43you sniff me out a winner i'll get grapes
12:47no no no that's mayonnaise i asked for mustard so now you want mustard i asked for mustard
12:57i don't think so
13:02jeez i can't find anything in the stupid market spices are next to cat food pots and pans are with olive oil
13:09i haven't seen this kind of organization since clinton's transition team took over
13:16isn't she great murph her name is michelle and she grew up going to catholic school just like i did
13:21oh great another person who feels guilty taking a shower without any clothes on
13:26morning frank i'm checking out of here in five minutes if you haven't reeled in this plaid uniform
13:32and knee socks fantasy by then the bus is leaving without you
13:35how'd i do considering i only use my eyes
13:41it's a great um michelle look i don't know if you've had dinner yet there's this great italian place and
13:54corky corky what are you doing let's see i'm in a market pushing a cart filled with food
14:02i'm duck hunting frank
14:05would you just excuse me michelle
14:09corky what are you doing with all this junk food i thought you were past this
14:14wow is that jfk
14:19not that this
14:22oh man
14:26it's not like i thought will and i would ever get back together
14:29that's not what i want
14:32when i saw that picture
14:34i just
14:36oh uh corky um this is michelle michelle corky
14:43hello
14:44men suck
14:46shut up slow i'll be right back
14:53look lady if you don't see rice flour
14:57rice flour we don't have rice flour
15:01you are asking for it my friend
15:11i don't have a lot of time so just hear me out okay
15:15now it is perfectly
15:18you have pie on your sweater
15:22it is perfectly natural for you to be upset when you see your ex with someone else for the first time
15:34i don't expect this was gonna happen sooner or later
15:37i don't know what i expected
15:41i never really thought about it that much
15:44other than one day twenty years from now will and i would run into each other by chance at a ski resort in utah
15:53where he was supporting himself as a waiter
15:56and i and my french diplomat husband and our two children jean-pierre and tammy would come in for dinner
16:04and tammy sends her steak back
16:08sure there's that possibility
16:15corky i know that this divorce is the toughest thing that you've ever had to bounce back from
16:23but you and will both wanted it right
16:25well you shouldn't forget that
16:27okay so will is out there he's moving on he's putting it behind him
16:31i know that you're gonna do the same thing as soon as you're ready
16:36let's just put this junk food back
16:42well the stuff without saliva on it in it
16:48nick at night
16:50frank
16:52oh michelle you're still here i'd uh i thought you'd checked out
16:57i put my groceries in the car but i wanted to talk to you
17:00oh sure great what's up
17:03i feel a little funny admitting this but
17:06when you were talking to your friend corky i was in the next aisle over and i couldn't help overhearing
17:11what you said to her showed a lot of sensitivity and understanding
17:15well
17:17i always like to put the feelings of others before my own
17:21anyway um
17:24you know about that little italian place
17:27frank you should also know i'm a nun at immaculate heart on michigan avenue
17:34a nun
17:36you know
17:37if you don't want to go out with me you could just say so but a nun i mean come on
17:42where's your guitar
17:45all right no no that was disrespectful you should take me over to the school supply room and hit me with a ruler
17:50here's my church discount card
17:55it's not my best picture it was muggy that day and my veil was riding low on my forehead
18:01i hit on a nun
18:03i'm going to hell
18:08craig i knew what you were up to the entire time and i went along with it it was fun i'm not going to hell for that
18:16well sure you know someone
18:19then once the ham's in place the tomato is positioned under the cheese so it won't slide off when bitten into it
18:31are you paying attention
18:33you really shouldn't be back i'll get in trouble
18:35young man
18:37in my book you're in trouble now
18:39you have to learn how to listen to details
18:43because the day will come when people will no longer tolerate the slip shot state of affairs
18:48that passes for acceptable
18:50and then by god you will hear a collective cry of enough
18:54enough to having your sandwich screwed up
18:56your imported shirt ruined
18:57and those damn video games wiping out the human race
19:00there
19:02see i've struck a universal chord
19:04who's next
19:05hey hey no way
19:06down back
19:07hand me the mustard
19:09you're not ready yet
19:11so anyway just before the recital
19:17joey caprese and i stuffed only hymnals into her piano
19:21you're bad
19:23this has been fun frank
19:25so i guess i'll see you at confession
19:27you bet
19:28bye michelle
19:32um
19:33sister
19:34oh
19:35what are you doing
19:50i don't know
19:51i came in for a jar of baby food and ended up with a wagon train
19:58i can't do this frank
20:04i blew it this morning by not spending enough time with avery and now i'm blowing it again
20:08why
20:09why
20:10because you're not gonna cook him dinner from scratch
20:14believe me
20:15avery doesn't want to see you cooking he just wants to see you
20:19yeah
20:20me
20:21his crazy mother
20:22all this time i've been walking up and down these aisles i've been thinking i bet this
20:27doesn't happen to joan london or katie courick they would have foreseen their baby's favorite food going out of stock and bought enough of it to feed them into old age
20:36especially courick she hoards everything like a demented squirrel
20:43you know i'm sure avery would be a lot more forgiving about this than you
20:47so what am i supposed to do frank i am the beef and broccoli medley what if he hates it
20:53well then you spend some quality time together wiping it off the kitchen walls
20:57well then i better get some sponges and a mop
21:04thanks frank
21:05oh what can i say i am just a sensitive guy today
21:08and it's all going to waste on platonic friends and nuns
21:12that's okay i don't need a bag you can just throw the empty wrappers away
21:18oh
21:19oh
21:20oh
21:21oh
21:22well i'll uh i'll see you around quick
21:27i guess
21:28kevin
21:29would you like to get a cup of coffee sometime
21:35sure how about tonight
21:36well i don't think tonight's such a good idea i have an awful lot of marshmallow in me
21:42tomorrow would be okay
21:46great i'll call you
21:49i'm buying these
21:59for a woman in the hospital who i rescued from a fiery automobile crash
22:05no that's not true
22:10that's not true
22:12they're for my girlfriend
22:14i'm buying maxi pads for my girlfriend who's at home cramping up a storm right now
22:21i don't care who knows it
22:25you heard me
22:27and i am putting her and her female bodily functions above my own embarrassment
22:33anybody here have a problem with that
22:36good
22:40good
22:41good
22:42good
22:43change
22:44suppositories
22:45big deal
22:47today ham and swiss tomorrow the world
22:55oh
22:56eggs on top son
22:57eggs on top
22:59what is that all about
23:01who knows
23:02at least he's smiling
23:03should make the ride home a lot more bearable
23:06yeah if we ever make it to the car
23:08just check her running slower they'd be chiseling her name on a headstone
23:11uh excuse me would you mind speeding it out if i'm in a hurry to get home
23:15you're in a hurry are you
23:18oh my god it's you
23:20that's right murphy brown
23:22the old star power works every time we'll be out of here before you can say paper or plastic
23:27i guess you don't remember me judy bemus i was once one of your secretaries until you fired me
23:34right i remember so how are you judy no hard feelings about my letting you go before christmas like that
23:43nooo
23:46now let's see what we could do about getting you out of here quickly
23:50uh oh looks like i'll need a price check on this
23:54i know it's marked but i could barely make it out
23:58while you're at it get price checks on these too
24:01oops
24:02i'm almost at a register tape
24:05maybe i ought to change it
24:07now let's see
24:09where would i find new register tape
24:12the old star power
24:15oh shut up
24:17once upon a time a cleveland hottie met a worldly prince
24:28so big blue
24:30so big blue
24:31so big blue
24:32so big blue
24:33nick at night presents
24:34the high and the prince
24:35tomorrow beginning at 10
24:37and continuing happily ever after
24:41you