Change Your Mind Change Your Life S01E02
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00:00Therapy came into my life along with my husband.
00:04Shall I go? Sorry.
00:08I think Emma saw therapy as something I did.
00:11It's a fantastic thing for people that need it.
00:14I didn't think I needed it.
00:18Then lo and behold, first session.
00:22We could all do with some help at times.
00:24I might smile all the time but I feel on the edge of a cliff.
00:28There are things in my life that I haven't told a soul.
00:32So, a team of Britain's leading therapists are opening the doors to their work.
00:36There are millions of people out there struggling.
00:39I hope we help people see that things can be better than they are today.
00:43Grab a seat on the couch.
00:45You're not stuck with the brain that you've got.
00:48These people have given us permission to share their story
00:51as they confront the problems in their lives.
00:54I'll wake up with dread in my stomach.
00:56I'll just feel unfixable.
00:58Is your mind ever quiet?
00:59No.
01:03Emma and I will be checking in on their progress along the way.
01:06I had quite a while of my life where I was dealing with panic.
01:10That gives me hope, though, the seed.
01:12To see if therapy can help change their lives.
01:15Life hits you and that is utterly beyond our control.
01:19But how we respond can really make an enormous difference.
01:22That's a part of my whole thing.
01:24You had an aha moment, it sounded like that.
01:27You've just blown my mind.
01:28We can all change.
01:30I'm always working on something.
01:31I know.
01:36Every one of us has the ability to do things that make us happy.
01:49So why are we all experiencing things that we don't want?
01:53It's a case of giving insights of how to understand and manage the mind.
01:58And if you tap into that, life becomes a lot easier.
02:02I'm a hairdresser.
02:04I love my clients, have a great relationship with my clients.
02:07It's a breathing thing that I've got to get myself through.
02:21Obviously, just reiterate, if you do want to stop at any time, we can.
02:24Casey, nice to meet you.
02:30So what brings you to the door today?
02:35I just want to be able to not feel constantly anxious all the time.
02:42OK.
02:43Anytime I have to leave my house, there's panic.
02:45I feel panicked going into the gym because I'm like, I'm going to feel out of breath.
02:49Yeah.
02:51So you'd like in the next few weeks to get rid of all of this panic?
02:54I don't want it anymore.
02:56Yeah.
02:57My friends get married this July and I just...
03:01I'm not petrified, but I just want to be able to sit there and enjoy it
03:05rather than think of an escape plan.
03:08Do you want to tell me a little bit about yourself?
03:10Yeah.
03:11And give me a potted history of who Casey is right from the beginning.
03:14I was born with a disability called Clubfoot.
03:18OK.
03:20So I had, I think, 15 operations to correct that.
03:24Wow.
03:25Secondary school was a living nightmare, to be honest.
03:29Right.
03:30Just because of the constant bullying about being feminine,
03:35being called all the homophobic slurs that I could think of.
03:41I've always lived with my mum and I saw my dad on weekends.
03:44Did you have a good relationship with them both?
03:47My mum, yes.
03:48My dad became a little bit more strained when I was a teenager.
03:54Why was that?
03:55I was very worried about coming out to my dad.
04:02He was a very hyper-masculine person.
04:06And I think me not wanting to come out to him because I was too scared
04:10just caused a little bit of friction the older I got.
04:12And then my dad passed away just before I went back to college.
04:20Did he accept it when you did come out?
04:21I didn't tell him.
04:23Oh, you didn't tell him.
04:24How old were you when your father died?
04:26Erm, 20.
04:29I was speechless.
04:30I didn't know what to do.
04:32I was crying one minute and then, like, almost blanked it the next.
04:38It was a very, erm, blurry time.
04:41OK.
04:41So, yeah.
04:42That's a big shock, isn't it?
04:44Yeah.
04:44Grief.
04:45You're doing really well.
04:50You're doing really well.
04:51So, first of all, I think you've had a rough life.
04:54Yep, I really do.
04:58Take your time.
05:03I think you've been through an awful lot.
05:06And I think you've done well to have survived it, really.
05:08But it is a survival instead of actually thriving and looking after yourself.
05:13Yeah.
05:13You know, this is pretty heavy stuff, all of it.
05:15It's not easy.
05:16And you've tried to make the best of it.
05:18And it feels like you've not been in charge of your life.
05:21Life has happened to you.
05:23Yeah.
05:23You know?
05:24And I get the feeling that that's the way you're perceiving life,
05:27that life is a challenge.
05:29Yeah.
05:31I have a feeling that if I said,
05:32give me five things you can do today that's going to make you happy,
05:36I think you're going to struggle.
05:43Do you know that? That's my feeling.
05:46Is that true?
05:47Yeah.
05:49I feel broken.
05:52I'm sorry.
05:53Okay.
05:55Generally speaking, panic attacks occur because of an incident in our life,
05:59or a belief that hasn't been addressed.
06:01And people often say, I feel broken or I am broken.
06:05And the implication is I can't actually recover this.
06:08But there is a pathway going forward.
06:11And so it's not that you're broken.
06:12It's just, you don't know how to get out of the little bit of jungle that you're in.
06:16So it's about you being empowered and start to say, I'm not fighting the world.
06:21I'm going to work with it.
06:23So if I don't want to go to the gym, I don't go.
06:25Let me do something that I can do, which is just go for a walk.
06:28I can manage that.
06:29And so we start building up.
06:31We start getting empowerment.
06:34You've been through a lot.
06:35Sorry, I've made you cry.
06:36No, no.
06:37Hearing somebody else say it is quite, quite powerful.
06:46Hello, Elena.
06:48Hiya, Julia.
06:49Therapy forces us to face the aspects of ourselves that we've spent a long time not looking at.
06:56So it can feel deeply painful.
06:58It can feel uncomfortable.
07:01Some people don't even recognise that they've been holding their breath most of their lives.
07:06But you can't fix what you don't face.
07:11The first person to see Julia is mum of three, Anjali.
07:15I've always been quite ambitious, I would say.
07:21It has been a shift from focusing entirely on a career to then focusing on being a mum full time.
07:30But now I'm the CEO of our family.
07:34For most of my life, I've been worried about the future.
07:38Yeah.
07:38Thank you so much.
07:40I sometimes feel like I've stopped myself from being truly happy.
07:44And I don't know how to work through it.
07:50Anjali.
07:51Hello.
07:52Hi.
07:52Lovely to meet you.
07:54You too.
07:54Come and sit.
07:55Thank you so much.
07:56Nice to meet you.
07:56I'm going to sit down.
07:57Tell me what you're hoping to get so that when we finish our therapy, what is the sort of picture of how you'd like to feel and be that you'd like?
08:09Yeah.
08:10So I think, I think I've suppressed a lot of emotions for quite a long time.
08:19And I think through having my children, I'm now sort of forced to really deal with those.
08:26Tell me, how many children do you have?
08:28Yes.
08:29So I have three children, four, two and one.
08:33Whoa.
08:33Yes.
08:34Bang, bang, bang.
08:37Yes.
08:38And I'm so grateful.
08:41But something happened with my first birth that brought back the memory of the trauma that happened at 15.
08:50I was told I had sepsis, which is actually what my mum passed away from.
08:56Very suddenly, very unexpectedly.
08:59You were a child.
09:01And in that moment, before I even gave birth, I started to spiral because I thought I was going to not survive, which I know is a very, seems like quite an irrational thought.
09:13Can I pause you?
09:14Please.
09:16I don't want to interrupt, but what I wanted to kind of correct was your experience was when someone gets sepsis, they die.
09:24Yes.
09:25Very quickly, completely out of control, overnight.
09:30Yes.
09:32That's exactly it.
09:34I was very scared of, say, having a child without a mother.
09:38Scared for my husband to be a partner without his wife.
09:47I understand the sadness and the loss, but I can't quite understand the painful side of things.
09:54It's like it just takes over.
09:57More painful than physical pain that I do not know how to control.
10:02What you have successfully told me is the sort of definition of trauma.
10:08And being a mother ignited for you the memory of being a child without a mother.
10:16So you're a motherless mother.
10:17Yeah.
10:18You know a child can have a mother, can die.
10:24And you know it in a way that nothing, nobody can ever say anything that can change that for you,
10:29because it's in your experience.
10:31It's in your being.
10:33Because there is no love like a mother's love for a child.
10:37Shall I slow down?
10:38Because it might be a bit much.
10:40And I think that's what's...
10:51Slow down.
10:52Just breathe.
10:55You're doing really well.
11:00I think that's something I've realised with having my children.
11:04I don't want to pass on this trauma.
11:06As you're speaking, I can hear the conflict in you in that I really want to live the life I'm living.
11:14I've got three gorgeous children.
11:16Yeah.
11:17And then my mind goes to this thing of 20 years ago.
11:22I had siblings who were four and nine at the same time.
11:26So you're all so young.
11:28I had to be a big sister.
11:29I had to be an eldest daughter.
11:32I had to be a student taking her exams.
11:34I literally went back to school a few days after.
11:37Oh, my goodness.
11:39I feel tearful for that 15-year-old youth who's shrunk herself, who's kind of not asked for help.
11:47And then, as is very common in grief, she's turned against herself.
11:51I'm realising that I never really got the chance to be that 15-year-old girl who just lost her mum.
11:57Trauma has no sense of time.
12:02So the day when your mum died, there's a memory that is as present in you now as it was that day.
12:12And so every time that you see something that reminds you of it, smell something, hear something,
12:19it puts you in touch with that traumatic memory.
12:22But we are going to address that traumatic memory.
12:25So I'm grateful you've come.
12:30It's never too late to grief.
12:37Many of us struggle to talk about loss.
12:41With a third of adults saying they often avoid the topic, worried it might make others feel uncomfortable.
12:47But opening up about our grief can be the first step towards healing.
12:50I'm on my way to meet Casey, who has recently started therapy with Steve.
13:09He has been suffering with anxiety and has kind of been coming out in panic attacks.
13:16I'm keen to see how he's been coping and what he's been putting into practice.
13:20Hi, mate. Hello, Casey. Hi.
13:26How are you? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. How are you doing?
13:28You're looking great, mate. Oh, thanks. How are you, mate?
13:30Looking great. Come in. How are you? Thanks very much.
13:34This is wicked, mate. It's all right, isn't it?
13:36Mate, you've got great taste. Thanks. Yeah, lovely.
13:38Cheers. My safe space, I love it. Yeah. I do love it.
13:41So how's it been going? Steve is just...
13:45He blew my mind, let's just say that, because just like he understands
13:50and he's kind of told me this is what you need to do.
13:53I live with panic every day, so I get up and I'm in a panic state.
13:56Right. Yeah. Is that most days you wake up?
13:59Every day. It's exhausting, mate. Yeah, I bet.
14:02Yeah. I've like built up kind of ways to work with panic.
14:06Right. OK. Right. So...
14:10So this is your routine? Yeah, this is my routine.
14:12Hand fan, paper bag, just in case the hyperventilation
14:16and menthol suites to clear my airways. To clear your airways.
14:20Yeah. So this is what you'll do every time you leave the house?
14:22Every time I leave the house, yeah. Right, OK.
14:24So I travel with this in my car, so I've got a fan in my car,
14:28I have a fan in work, I have a fan, I have spares everywhere,
14:31just in case I forget something.
14:37There you go.
14:45Watch yourself.
14:47Oh, here we go. Here we go.
14:51Oh, mate. Beautiful.
14:53Absolutely stunning. Like a postcard.
14:56Like a postcard. A freezing cold postcard.
15:00So what are you hoping that you can, um,
15:02come up with some ways to cope with it better?
15:05Yeah. Stephen said something to me, actually.
15:06He said that you're not thriving, you're just surviving.
15:10And that's so true because it's constantly there all the time.
15:13I would like to live without it. Yeah.
15:15That's what I'd like to kind of be able to live without it.
15:17So I think that putting, implementing certain things
15:20will help me get there. Yeah.
15:22You know? Yeah. I mean, I can relate. I had, um, quite a while of my life where I was dealing with
15:28panic. Yeah.
15:28And, um, it was performance-based for me, you know, and I'd always, like, been able to kind of,
15:35I don't know, just kind of, like, suck it up and kind of deal with it.
15:38Yeah.
15:38But it became overwhelming. Yeah.
15:41And it became so much so that I'd, I'd preempt it happening. Yeah.
15:46And I'd be panicking about panicking. Yeah.
15:48You know? And then it's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yeah.
15:51It's like, well, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like, right, I'm gonna,
15:53and now I'm gonna panic and now it's happening and now I don't know what to do. Yeah.
15:57And it's like, it's, um, it was, it was unbearable.
16:00But I did come up with ways to deal with it and come up with ways. Yeah.
16:03And I haven't struggled with it for a while now, which has been, like, unbelievable.
16:08See, that gives me hope then, see? Yeah.
16:10Because if somebody else has overcome it. Yeah.
16:13I'd think, well, why can't I do that? Yeah.
16:15Do you know what I mean? Onwards. Yeah.
16:17And upwards. Onwards, upwards, through.
16:19Oh, through. Love it.
16:21Onwards, upwards and through. There we go.
16:22Love it. That's my new saying. I get it tight across my forehead.
16:25Here we go.
16:33I think there are lots of misconceptions about coming to therapy.
16:43One is that it's a weakness that you can't deal with your problems by yourself.
16:48And I would say to that, asking for help is actually one of the hardest things a human being can do.
16:57I'm from Newcastle. I've been a carpenter in China since I left high school.
17:00I love it as a job. The clients, when the work gets finished and like,
17:05Oh, my new kitchen looks amazing.
17:09All of that, class. But...
17:11Hello. Hiya.
17:13Come through.
17:14OK, no worries. Recently, something negative happened.
17:18And now I'm finding things really, really difficult.
17:22Oh, so really lovely to meet you. Yeah.
17:25So, uh, we'll just start with how are you doing?
17:29Um, yeah, I have moments where I, like, um,
17:34would say that I just get, like, overwhelmed by emotion kind of thing.
17:37Uh, it's not something that I've always had a problem with, that sort of thing.
17:41There's obviously events that have, that have happened to me that might trigger it.
17:44So, give me a recent example. Like, what comes to mind?
17:47Um, it's difficult to talk about, but I don't understand why,
17:52because I'm normally quite, like, an open person.
17:55Yeah, of course.
17:56As soon as it happened, I'll instantly put it into the, like,
17:59the box of things that we don't touch, you know? Um...
18:03It's, uh...
18:06Keep going.
18:06I got, like, um, attacked with a bladed article kind of thing.
18:12Like, a knife kind of thing.
18:13A knife. Oh, my God.
18:16This was only a few months ago. I think it was, like, June or July of last year.
18:20Um, I hadn't, as an adult, like, booked my own holiday and been away by myself.
18:24Yeah.
18:25So, I did that.
18:26Got some cheap flights over to, to Italy and, you know,
18:29seeing the sights on the first day and everything, really enjoyed it.
18:32And, yeah, in a, in a, you know, quite a stupid decision, I think, looking back.
18:36Um, I had a few drinks and I was walking back and, yeah, just, uh, got a bit lost.
18:40And I was asking different people for directions
18:42and just ended up asking the wrong person kind of thing.
18:45What do you mean?
18:46Like, you probably smelled that I had a couple of drinks
18:48and he knew that I wasn't from the area and that.
18:50And he was just like, I'm going to try and nick his wallet.
18:53Okay.
18:54I thought he'd just punched me, but, um, I, like, felt my face was bleeding.
18:58I realised that it was, like, maybe more than, um, punching.
19:02It would have been pretty disappointing for him
19:03because I didn't have any money in my wallet.
19:05So, he made off with, like, my Costco card
19:07and, like, a bunch of other random membership cards.
19:11Win for me, you know?
19:14I can understand you try to use humour and it's great to, to do that,
19:17but, yeah, I'm just really sorry that that happened.
19:21Like, I can't imagine what that must have been like.
19:24Do you get flashbacks?
19:26Yeah, sometimes.
19:27I suppose a lot of the time it will come back to it being my fault,
19:30whether that's, you know, whether that's right or wrong.
19:32Well, we're going to come to that, actually,
19:34but what we've got to do is make sure that that guy
19:38doesn't take more from you than he already has, you know?
19:40Yeah.
19:42When we, as humans, experience something traumatic,
19:46the brain doesn't have the time to be storing things away
19:50into their proper place and it's all a bit jumbled up,
19:53which is why you have things like flashbacks
19:56and often we blame ourselves.
19:59So, my job as a therapist is to be over the sessions,
20:03you know, start organising what happened back into its proper place.
20:07And once we have a coherent story that makes sense,
20:12that they can hold on to and then internalise,
20:16that is really healing because suddenly the brain can move on.
20:20What was the hardest thing about what happened?
20:22Did you see what this person looked like?
20:29Not that I could, like, draw a picture of him now,
20:31do you know what I mean?
20:31OK. So, what do you remember? And try to give me as much detail as possible.
20:37I thought he just, like, punched me a couple of times
20:39and then I fell over and then I got up and I was like,
20:42oh, you know, what was all that about?
20:43And then I felt that my face was, like, slightly warm
20:46and it was, like, red.
20:48OK, I see the scars. Can I see that one?
20:51Yeah.
20:53Wow. What was going through your mind?
20:56I thought I was going to die for a little bit, I think.
21:01So, I, like, found the police, all that kind of stuff.
21:04Did you stay in Italy and...?
21:07That was the first day. I tried to get a flight back.
21:09Oh, wow. OK.
21:10Because I didn't really want to stay anymore.
21:12Yeah.
21:12But I was too scared to go back to the Airbnb,
21:15so I just stayed at the airport for, like, 48 hours.
21:18What do you want to say to yourself?
21:23You haven't heard his story.
21:25He sounds like a fucking idiot.
21:29Really? Yeah.
21:30That's what you take from it?
21:32Yeah.
21:33I'm hearing quite a lot of blame, right?
21:36Like, you said that you feel stupid.
21:38Do you think you can be quite hard on yourself?
21:40Yeah, I would agree with that, yeah.
21:43A lot of times, I'm just thinking that things are my fault.
21:46How we talk about ourselves make a big difference.
21:49So, if you're constantly telling yourself off,
21:52then you're constantly going to feel bad, right?
21:54Mm.
21:55Think about the best leaders you've ever had.
21:57If they were like, you idiot, go do it!
22:00Yeah.
22:01You might actually end up doing it,
22:02but you're not going to feel good doing it.
22:04Yeah, not for the right reason.
22:04And it's not going to inspire you to want to do more
22:07and, you know, to get creative.
22:09So, what, that's a part of my whole thing?
22:13What do you think?
22:15Yeah.
22:16I think so.
22:17I guess this is the whole, this is the point, isn't it?
22:19To, to, uh, make me say things that I didn't say previous.
22:23Yeah, Leon, that's what you've got to learn to do.
22:25Lead yourself well.
22:27Actually, that's going to be a really important part of our work,
22:30is help you be able to do that.
22:32Thanks.
22:38Come and sit.
22:39Thank you so much.
22:40How are you since last week?
22:44I'm still emotional.
22:46Good.
22:47Well, that's part of being human, hopefully.
22:49Yeah.
22:49The thing about trauma is that it is stored in the alert part of the brain, which is there for survival.
22:56It just is either fight or flight or down the bottom, freeze.
23:02And it stays there, unprocessed, because it's staying there to remind you, you don't want to be going in that place again.
23:09But we are going to address that traumatic memory now with EMDR.
23:16OK.
23:17So how EMDR works is it takes the distorted memory and through movement, called a butterfly tap,
23:28it processes them so they're then stored in the library of your brain where other memories are.
23:33Are you up for that?
23:35Yeah.
23:35Go back in time to when you were 15. Is there an image that comes to mind?
23:49I've never said this before.
23:50OK. Take your time, there's no rush.
23:55My dad trying to save my mum's life, or bring her back to life.
23:58OK. So it was your dad doing CPR on your mum trying to bring her back to life is the worst image.
24:06Yeah.
24:07And is there a worse part of that image?
24:10Probably hoping that she would breathe again, or life would.
24:19Yeah.
24:19OK.
24:21I guess I felt powerless in the moment.
24:30I then obviously had to run downstairs and open the door for the paramedics.
24:33OK. Now look at me and cross your arms.
24:37OK.
24:38So I'd like you to bring up that image, the target, and now tap fast.
24:45OK.
24:48Very good.
24:55Now pause and take a breath.
24:58What are you aware of now?
25:01Just the house, actually.
25:04Not so much the event.
25:05Not so much the event.
25:06Not so much the event, but maybe we're safe because it's my house.
25:14Yeah.
25:15Let's follow that.
25:18Go with that.
25:18Now pause and take a breath.
25:26What are you aware of now?
25:28Just the door.
25:30Just the door.
25:31I think it's hope.
25:37Hope.
25:38That she might come back.
25:40It's the hope that she might come back.
25:42I knew that she could come back.
25:43Yeah, yeah.
25:54When she left in the ambulance, we didn't actually know
25:56that she wasn't alive.
26:04So I think when she left, I had hope that she would come back.
26:11You held onto that for a really long time.
26:13Yeah.
26:15Take a breath, yeah.
26:19I didn't realise how much the door...
26:21I felt like a really big, significant part of my attachment to her.
26:32What's coming up for you now?
26:35I'm actually thinking of the more positive memories.
26:42Of coming home from school.
26:44And she would open the door.
26:46And the smell of Jasmine trailing up the side.
26:52I called my daughter Jasmine.
26:54Oh, that's lovely.
26:56Because of this memory.
27:02It's positive.
27:03It's more full of light rather than darkness.
27:08I'm a bit bewildered.
27:10This is amazing.
27:12It is pretty astonishing.
27:15So what's really interesting about single event trauma is that
27:21one memory can block your whole emotional process.
27:27By taking the distress out of a trauma memory,
27:30it liberates all of those positive memories to come cascading through.
27:34And it does feel pretty miraculous to me.
27:41I always thought something was wrong with me.
27:45There was nothing ever wrong with you, Anjali.
27:47And there is nothing wrong with you.
27:52Great.
27:52Thank you so much.
27:53That was an amazing experience.
27:56Take care.
27:58You too.
28:13How are you?
28:14Yeah, pretty good.
28:15I mean, I've had a lot more perspective, you know what I mean, on why I feel certain ways.
28:19This is great, Leon.
28:20It's not like I hate myself or whatever.
28:23It's just, you know, I need to be like less critical.
28:26Yeah.
28:27So why is that there?
28:29Why is your mind kind of set in that way currently?
28:33Yeah, I don't know.
28:34Just, um, I don't know.
28:38Okay.
28:38So can you tell me what were you like as a teenager?
28:40I remember when I was at the end of high school, my parents weren't in the country.
28:44So I just thought, you know, I'm just going to sort of like free reign and just do whatever
28:47I want kind of thing.
28:48Yes.
28:49Okay.
28:49Where are you living at this point?
28:51At my grandma's house.
28:52Like me, my grandma and my auntie.
28:54But my auntie had to sleep downstairs and I had my auntie's bed.
28:57So I moved out and sort of like got sort of like a hostel.
29:01Okay.
29:02So like a young people's hostel or?
29:05Exactly.
29:05Yeah.
29:05Yeah.
29:06A large high rise kind of thing.
29:07Okay.
29:08And I just used to drink.
29:09Obviously, I didn't really have a job and there was nothing better to do.
29:11And I was like, you know, the world's against me and, you know, things suck,
29:16but that's just the way things are.
29:17I'm going to rebel against the system.
29:19I mean, I really feel for you.
29:21You were left quite alone with a lot of this.
29:24I've always been like that, you know, like put on a bit of a front kind of thing.
29:27The bravado.
29:28Yeah.
29:28Yeah.
29:29But inside was actually feeling the world is against you,
29:32feeling that, you know, you're left to yourself and just being quite angry and rebellious.
29:38But it's an unusual story, Leon.
29:41You know, most 15, 16 year olds are still living at home.
29:46Mm-hmm.
29:47They're still in regular contact with their parents.
29:49They're still in stable environments.
29:54You had a very volatile period.
29:55I know you're blaming yourself and thinking that it's your fault.
29:59A huge thing that's happened to you when you were stabbed and the hardest period,
30:08the teenage years, having to figure all that stuff out alone.
30:12But how do I change it?
30:15We know I should be thinking, wow, I've been through a lot.
30:18And I really have done more than, you know, most people would be expected to at that age.
30:25And I am incredibly resilient.
30:27Yeah, I understand.
30:28Yeah.
30:29Well, it's still something that I need to work on, isn't it?
30:31OK, Steve, it's ready for you.
30:38It's all right.
30:39Cheers.
30:39See you in a little bit.
30:42Hi, come on in, Steve.
30:43How are you?
30:44Come on in.
30:46How's Casey?
30:48Yeah, am I right?
30:50How's your week been?
30:51Erm, it was my first week back in work.
30:54OK.
30:55I'm so busy, but I'm going to admit something.
31:00What you said to me last week about if I asked you five things that would make you truly happy,
31:08I don't think you'd be able to mention them.
31:09And even though there are things that make me happy, whilst doing those things,
31:14I'm still anxious and constantly panicking.
31:17OK.
31:18I'd love to live life without panic.
31:19That's my end goal.
31:21That's my kind of oasis.
31:24OK.
31:24When you get up in the morning and your mind starts going, what's...
31:29Give me typical thoughts you might have.
31:32Erm, just not wanting to leave my house.
31:38That's the first thing that kind of, the first thing I do when I get up.
31:41OK.
31:42But essentially, initially, it's me thinking off, crying out loud.
31:48I want to... I want to breathe.
31:50Yeah.
31:51So I almost feel like I don't have control over my thoughts.
31:55Because they just come into my head.
31:57Yeah.
31:58OK.
31:58So let's look at how the mind works.
32:01So the important thing is you don't actually have control.
32:04No.
32:04No.
32:04You don't.
32:05Nobody does.
32:06No.
32:07It's not what we want, but it is the way your mind's working at the moment.
32:10It's normal.
32:11Yeah.
32:11The reason I'm saying that is if you keep getting up thinking something's really wrong,
32:16then you're already in the battlefield of how do I get better?
32:19Yeah.
32:19Instead of going, it's normal.
32:21The mind does this.
32:22You're not doing it.
32:22Your mind's doing it.
32:23That's the difference.
32:24It's normal.
32:26So expect it.
32:28I usually call it the NEAT exercise.
32:30N for normal.
32:31E for expect it.
32:32A is accept it.
32:34Don't fight it.
32:35And then we're going to T is take care of it.
32:38So you have to be proactive because you're going to form new behaviours.
32:40OK.
32:41So as soon as you get up, you're going to go, yeah, I know this is happening.
32:44It's almost like you're going to ignore it, not engage it, not feel it, and just say,
32:48right, let me go into my new one A's.
32:50Let's see what's good in the day.
32:51Let me get ready for that.
32:53OK.
32:54I want you to get excited.
32:56What would excite with the new clients?
32:59Just being creative, to be honest.
33:02So if somebody came in and they wanted a new hair colour, I'd generally get excited about that.
33:07OK.
33:09Or if I had maybe a shoot or a TV show that I was working on, then I'd get excited about that.
33:16Even if I was going out for lunch or something, and it's like a nice day outside, I do want to feel
33:22like, oh, it's the last day today.
33:25I'm going to have a really good day.
33:26That's what I'd like.
33:27Can I show you?
33:27I'll start you.
33:29I don't know if you know this.
33:30We've been talking at certain rates of speech, and when I asked you what excites you, you really
33:34have moved the speech up quickly.
33:36Yeah.
33:36And the volume, because you're actually engaged with it now.
33:39You're seeing the new hair colour or outside.
33:42Yeah.
33:42And you've done what I'm asking you to do.
33:44Yeah.
33:46Suddenly, you've changed gear.
33:48Yeah.
33:48I've actually noticed my breathing has changed.
33:50Yeah.
33:50Because you've changed your mindset, therefore, you're now managing your mind.
33:54You're saying, this is what we're doing.
33:56And you did it within seconds and changed your breathing.
34:00But you didn't consciously change your breathing.
34:02No.
34:02It did it itself.
34:03Yeah.
34:04So your mind is following you.
34:07One of the main principles of your mind and anyone's mind is that if you don't tell it
34:12what you're doing and where you're going, it will take over and tell you.
34:18Let's understand that you and your brain are separate.
34:21You've got a mind here, and then there's you.
34:23And your mind has got these compulsions.
34:25You haven't.
34:26You're independent of that.
34:28Bye.
34:29Bye.
34:30Let's understand what your mind's doing, why it's doing it,
34:33and then let's get you to take charge and say, right,
34:35we're going to adapt things and work with my mind.
34:41Nice to see you again.
34:42Yes.
34:42Tell me, how are you?
34:44I think you're right in saying that I am putting the blame on myself
34:47kind of thing.
34:48But I think I always kind of look at a situation and think,
34:51well, this wouldn't have happened if you'd done this differently,
34:53or maybe you should have done that.
34:54Okay.
34:55So lots of ifs.
34:57But I want to do an exercise with you to just kind of like help you understand
35:02what you just said now, which is, you know, I tend to always blame myself.
35:07Are you up for a little kind of exercise?
35:09It's a CBT exercise.
35:11And I like using it because it illustrates what we mean when we say psychology can make a difference.
35:18Okay, great.
35:21Right.
35:21I am going to tell you about person A.
35:25Okay.
35:26Person A is feeling quite depressed that day.
35:30Okay.
35:31So they leave their house, wave to someone, the other person doesn't wave back.
35:34And what might be the thoughts that go through their mind?
35:38Erm, you'd sort of maybe say that they don't like you.
35:43You know what I mean?
35:44Okay.
35:44And then it doesn't stop there because it goes into, it's so unfair, why me?
35:52Right?
35:52Yeah.
35:53Recognise those thoughts?
35:54For sure, yeah.
35:54Yeah.
35:55Okay.
35:56We're going to move now to person B.
35:59And what we know about this person is that they are happy and calm that day.
36:03Mm-hmm.
36:04They see someone they know and they wave at the person and the other person doesn't wave back.
36:09What thoughts do we think person B is going to be having?
36:14Erm, well, they're, they're like, happy aren't they?
36:16Yeah.
36:20I mean, they would probably just, they would have that experience and then say,
36:24oh, well, they didn't see me.
36:25It's, it would just, they'd let it go, wouldn't they?
36:27Yeah, they didn't see me, but generally they're feeling happy.
36:31So just more happiness and more calm.
36:34Yeah.
36:34What is person B going to do as a result of thinking and feeling like this?
36:40Well, as opposed to the other person who goes home and quite sad and doesn't get out of bed
36:45all day kind of thing, this person would probably, yeah, probably just be out living their best
36:49life sort of thing.
36:50OK, so what is the purpose of this?
36:53What, what are you taking from it?
36:56A negative thought, you explore that to its completion sort of thing.
36:59Whereas if you, you start down the positive path, you can end up with like a positive.
37:04Yeah, that's it.
37:05I think we see the world as it is, but we don't.
37:09We actually all have a set of glasses through which we see the world.
37:14And we all have a different set of glasses.
37:17I draw quite a lot of similarity with the scenario where a similar thing happened to me the other
37:22day. I was coming back and like my neighbour like waved at me and it was like too quick.
37:27Like I was going to wave back.
37:28I really wanted to wave back.
37:30And like, she was too quick.
37:31She was already away.
37:32I was like, oh man.
37:33And then for the rest of the, I think to be honest, that might have been two days
37:36after that, I was thinking, oh, no, she's going to think that I hate her now,
37:39like because I've not waved and all this, like.
37:41Person A.
37:42Yeah, exactly.
37:43Yeah, exactly that.
37:44And it's not helping you.
37:45No.
37:46Doesn't make sense to blame yourself.
37:48Yeah.
37:49Yeah.
37:50How could it be your fault?
37:52Because it's not your fault.
38:00I realised that I blame myself for quite a lot of things, but I never really thought
38:05of it as a negative thing.
38:06I always thought, well, it's me taking stop.
38:09It's weird to sort of see it reframed as like, yeah, actually, maybe the reason why
38:14you're acting like that is because of this negative self thought, because you sort of like,
38:18you won't give yourself an inch kind of thing.
38:21I didn't realise that would have such an effect on the person who I am now.
38:24So I feel a lot happier just having a little bit more control over my emotions.
38:28And I think moving forward from this point, it's just a case of taking what I've learned
38:31and putting it into practice in the real world.
38:38After processing difficult memories last time,
38:41Angeline now wants to learn how to move forward.
38:44How are you?
38:45I'm good.
38:46Good.
38:47Good.
38:47All to the point.
38:49How are you doing after our last session?
38:51Good.
38:53It was intense.
38:54It was intense.
38:56Yeah.
38:57I did have a lot of emotional release afterwards.
39:00Did you?
39:02I hadn't done that for a very long time.
39:03So I felt like it was needed.
39:07Just sort of going through it, I guess.
39:11So there's an understanding which is called continuing bonds.
39:16And what that means is the love for the person never dies.
39:20And I wondered if there was a way that you could find what I call an external touchstone to connect
39:31to your mum.
39:32Hmm.
39:32It could be that you write her a letter or postcards.
39:37Hmm.
39:38Or create a book with pictures.
39:41We've got so many albums of pictures of mum.
39:45And actually, my son hasn't seen any of these pictures.
39:49It's sad to think that my children would grow up not knowing even what my mum looked like.
39:57I can't believe that was even a possibility.
40:00But that's the way it was going with old me.
40:02This is new you speaking.
40:04New me.
40:04It doesn't want that.
40:05So I think we'll definitely be doing a little bit more storytelling.
40:13And photos.
40:14And photos.
40:17Grief can feel very isolating and very chilly.
40:20And those touchstones to memory are very beautiful, significant ways to connect us
40:26to the warmth and love of the person that is still inside us and allows us to feel them close,
40:31although they're not physically present.
40:35I'm meeting Anjali at her house in Gloucestershire.
40:48Hi, Anjali.
40:49Hi, yeah.
40:50Hi, Emma.
40:51How are you?
40:52Good.
40:52And I'm keen to see if she's put any changes in place at home.
40:56I was expecting a little bit more chaos in here.
41:01I was told three kids under five.
41:04I only have one kid, not under five anymore, but eight.
41:07And it's, it is not this tidy.
41:10I think before I had therapy, I found it really difficult to talk about my mum.
41:27And, um, I didn't expect the children to want to know about our family as much as they do.
41:37Should we look at pictures of my mummy?
41:38Yes.
41:39Yeah?
41:40Okay, fine.
41:40We're going to get snug.
41:42Oh.
41:44Okay.
41:45It's been a long time, actually, since I've looked through these photos myself.
41:49So this is mummy's mummy.
41:52Wow, mummy's mummy.
41:53Yeah.
41:53I don't know, I found it really painful throughout the whole sort of having my first child and then
41:59my second and third. I just sort of blocked the whole, blocked the whole memory out. But that
42:06means the good things as well. So it's quite hard to start sort of digging out the old photos
42:13and dusting them off. But it's actually been much nicer since I've done therapy. This is obviously
42:21me as a baby with her. Quite young. She must have been early, really early 20s there.
42:28So did they die?
42:30My mummy did.
42:36Okay.
42:36Do you feel like you can smile a bit more when you look at it now?
42:45Yeah, I feel a bit more happier looking at these old photos and thinking about some of the older memories.
42:56No, thank you.
42:57Thanks for showing me that.
42:59Oh.
43:00Grief's a really horrible emotion. And unfortunately, it's one that all of us are going to experience
43:08at some point. She just seems freer with herself and freer with her emotions. But also,
43:16she can look at pictures of her mum. I think the light bulb moment for me was everything I thought
43:24grief was. It is not. I'm shocked that there is a way to move forward. I'm hopeful for the future.
43:39Whether you're considering starting therapy as a client or training to be a therapist, the Open University