Change Your Mind Change Your Life S01E01
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00:00Therapy came into my life, along with my husband.
00:05Shall I go? Sorry.
00:06Yeah, whenever you are.
00:07All right, OK.
00:08I think Emma saw therapy as something I did.
00:11It's a fantastic thing for people that need it.
00:15I didn't think I needed it.
00:18Then lo and behold...
00:19Lo and behold.
00:20First session.
00:21Bang!
00:22We could all do with some help at times.
00:25I might smile all the time, but I feel on the edge of a cliff.
00:29There are things in my life that I haven't told a soul.
00:32So, a team of Britain's leading therapists are opening the doors to their work.
00:36There are millions of people out there struggling.
00:39I hope we help people see that things can be better than they are today.
00:43Grab a seat on the couch.
00:45You're not stuck with the brain that you've got.
00:48These people have given us permission to share their story
00:51as they confront the problems in their lives.
00:54I'll wake up with dread in my stomach.
00:56I'll just feel unfixable.
00:58Is your mind ever quiet?
00:59No.
01:03Emma and I will be checking in on their progress along the way.
01:07I had quite a while of my life where I was dealing with panic.
01:10That gives me hope then, see.
01:12To see if therapy can help change their lives.
01:15Life hits you and that is utterly beyond our control.
01:19But how we respond can really make an enormous difference.
01:22That's a part of my whole thing.
01:24You had an aha moment, it sounded like that.
01:27You just blow my mind.
01:28We can all change.
01:30I'm always working on something.
01:31I know.
01:32Is this your first session with Owen?
01:45It is, yeah.
01:46It is, yeah.
01:50Life happens to everyone.
01:52So every human being on the planet will sometimes get anxious or get worried about stuff.
01:58Your job as a therapist is like being a detective of sorts really.
02:03Nothing is ever as it seems.
02:07When someone comes to therapy, I normally get a top-line, very reasonable story.
02:12But the interesting thing for me is that very often the story and the emotions don't match.
02:21So I guess what we're doing is we're digging around a little bit just to find what's underneath.
02:28Hiya, how are you?
02:29Hi, I'm all right, how are you?
02:30Good, thank you.
02:31What's your name?
02:32Nicole.
02:36Since 2017, I've lived in London.
02:39I love your jumper.
02:40Thank you, it's nice, right?
02:41Yeah, it's really nice.
02:42I moved from a town in Fife.
02:45I came with two suitcases on a 12-hour bus and that was it.
02:51That's the whole plan.
02:52If you take a seat, I'll just let Owen know that you're here.
02:58I am a chiropractic assistant, not a chiropractor.
03:02Hi, there you go.
03:03Hello.
03:05I cannot crack people's backs, I cannot do any of that.
03:09Grab a seat there and...
03:10Oh, very nice.
03:13It's my kind of colour scheme.
03:15I want to fix the things that are flawed about me or negative in my life.
03:19I don't want to waste any more time.
03:22Got my hugging pillow.
03:23You got your hugging pillow.
03:24Yeah.
03:25Good start.
03:26How does it feel to be here?
03:28Good.
03:29Like, I'm nervous.
03:31Of course.
03:32But like, good nervous, not bad nervous.
03:35Oh, okay.
03:36There's like lots of things that I could unpick.
03:39Yeah.
03:40And I just don't know where to begin.
03:41Don't know.
03:42Don't know.
03:44We'll take our time.
03:46What would you say has brought you here?
03:47Have I said to you, okay, what are the kind of three, four areas that you'd like to work on?
03:51What comes to mind?
03:52I think the number one and biggest one is driving anxiety.
03:57It's just a circle of fear surrounding the car now.
04:02There's so many things that so quickly go through my head that you kind of get a little bit of whiplash from it.
04:09How far away is it?
04:11What is the route?
04:13If I somehow forget how to drive, can I still drive this machine?
04:18Whilst you're driving?
04:19Yeah.
04:20Did you drive here today?
04:21No.
04:22No.
04:24Absolutely not.
04:25That's very definite.
04:27You're describing a brain that's clearly very wired for threat, danger, risk.
04:32Yeah.
04:33What was it like coming here today?
04:34It started off excited and then I was like, is the train going to be really busy?
04:41And if I get lost, like...
04:44And what's the worry about that?
04:46I don't want people looking at me in a negative way.
04:49So what people think is important.
04:51Yeah.
04:55What do you think of yourself?
04:56I completely hated myself 10 plus years ago and really worrying what people think of me.
05:09That's been something I've struggled with for like a long time.
05:12Do you get anxious around social situations?
05:14Yeah.
05:15I hate it.
05:17I think sometimes like, like in a social situation I'm not good enough to be there.
05:23So what are you worried about?
05:26I'm going to say something wrong and they're not going to like me.
05:31And what would be so bad about that?
05:35I need people to like me.
05:38And if they don't, can that be okay sometimes?
05:42In my mind I'm like, why don't they like me?
05:47They hate me.
05:49What's your approach towards your anxiety?
05:52Well, I try and push it down.
05:54And how does that work out for you then?
05:55What happens to all of the emotions that are going on?
05:58They just keep building.
06:00Until it just gets to the point I'm on the floor.
06:11You know, you said earlier, I don't think I'm good enough.
06:14How much do you believe that to be true?
06:15Oh, wholeheartedly.
06:17Where's the evidence that that's a truth?
06:20That's an absolute truth?
06:22I have no evidence.
06:23You have no evidence?
06:24I have no evidence.
06:26Just belief.
06:28That's the part I want you to underline.
06:30That doesn't mean that it's a fact.
06:32Yeah.
06:33And you've kind of made me like, stop and think there for a minute.
06:35When you were like, where's your evidence?
06:36And I was like, well, I don't have any.
06:38Well, maybe the next time you decide to get on that I'm not good enough train, it just might be worth stopping to explore if there's truth than that.
06:47Yeah, it's not what I want for myself.
06:50What do you want?
06:51What do you want?
06:52I want to actually care about myself.
06:55Not care about myself.
06:57But like...
06:58I'm going to pause you there, because you said something really important there.
07:01So you said, oh, I want to care about myself a little bit more.
07:04Oh, not care.
07:05So you immediately disqualify and minimise.
07:08What would be wrong with, I really want to care for myself as much as I care for other people.
07:14And you straight up called it out, and yeah, I'm like, oh no, I did do that.
07:18Without even realising.
07:19Yeah.
07:20So there might be a bit of work to be done here and that.
07:23I'm gonna do it.
07:24And you are doing it.
07:25Yeah.
07:26You're here.
07:27You've started the work.
07:28Yeah.
07:30I'm shocked.
07:32Like, I'm shocked that he got my number straight away.
07:37It's just...
07:38It's shaking me.
07:42More than half of us have recently experienced anxiety.
07:47But talking about it can help.
07:49I guess that I'm known for working in sport.
08:03I got catapulted until I'm, like, working with elite athletes.
08:08I'm not a specialist in sport, but I'm a specialist in the human mind.
08:12James, how are you?
08:13Coming through.
08:15The person comes into the room.
08:16Doesn't matter whether they're the hairdresser from Swansea.
08:19Or it's someone trying to get an Olympic medal.
08:22My job is to try and get inside their head.
08:25I need to see the world the way they see it.
08:28OK, thanks for coming in.
08:29That's all right, thank you.
08:30Pleased to meet you.
08:31Yeah, pleased to meet you.
08:32Do you want to give me, like, a potted history of your life?
08:36Yep.
08:37So I get a feel for who you are.
08:38Yeah, absolutely.
08:39So I'm 39.
08:40All right.
08:41And I am a father of an 80-year-old boy.
08:44OK.
08:45At the moment, I work in finance.
08:46OK.
08:47And I used to be a sportsman.
08:49And, unfortunately, I had a stroke, so I had to stop.
08:52I find myself here hoping to help me out,
08:54because I'm feeling a little bit anxious about various things, to be honest.
08:58OK.
08:59And it's escalated since I had my stroke, I would say.
09:02That was really brief.
09:04All right.
09:05I'm going to dig now.
09:06What was your sport?
09:08So I started off playing football.
09:10I played football semi-professionally.
09:12And then I went into athletics.
09:14And then I went into bobsled.
09:16And how did you do in that?
09:18I was training to go to GB trials.
09:21Right.
09:22And then I had my stroke, so I had to stop completely.
09:25And that came completely out of the blue?
09:27Out of the blue.
09:28Completely out of the blue.
09:29I was going to athletics track as normal, just to do my runs.
09:37The next thing I remember was waking up in hospital.
09:41Overnight, with a flicker switch, I lost everything.
09:44I felt like a burden.
09:49I felt like I couldn't provide like I would like to.
09:55It made me feel a lesser man, I would say.
10:03When you had the stroke?
10:04Yes.
10:05Have you come to terms with that and accepted that sometimes life throws things at us?
10:09Because for the first two years, I didn't want to accept it.
10:12OK.
10:13And I felt like it was unfair, like why did it happen to me?
10:18I developed epilepsy as a by-product of my stroke.
10:21OK.
10:22And at the time, it wasn't controlled with medication.
10:27That was nine years ago now.
10:29OK.
10:30Now I accept it.
10:31It's part of me.
10:33And you said you're working in finance.
10:34I do, yes.
10:35And do you enjoy that?
10:37Yes, I do.
10:38There was a big hesitation there.
10:39There wasn't.
10:40Yeah, there was.
10:41So we can't get away with that.
10:42No.
10:43So tell me why there was a big hesitation.
10:46Again, that goes back to my anxiety, worrying about not performing and messing things up.
10:53I know I probably won't, but in my mind, if I mess up, I will lose my job.
10:57So in terms of security and, you know, bringing in money, I want to be able to do it properly.
11:04The level of anxiety you're describing, is it very high extreme or is it moderate?
11:09It can be very high, not all the time.
11:11And when it is, I do not go into work because of the levels.
11:15And what do you do then?
11:16I stay at home.
11:19Which obviously can make things worse.
11:21Is it realistic that an employee doesn't make a mistake?
11:28No.
11:29No.
11:30No.
11:31Because everyone makes mistakes.
11:32So what you're saying, I'm doing the best I can at work, but there's a chance that like
11:38everyone, I'll make a mistake.
11:39Yeah.
11:40Does that mean the end of the world?
11:43No.
11:44No.
11:45What does it mean?
11:46A black mark against my name, I think.
11:49I do and always have strived to be the best at something.
11:52Right.
11:53I don't know if that's from my childhood as well, though.
11:55Right.
11:56So maybe it's something to dig up.
11:57Yeah, we're digging, we're digging.
11:59So, perfectionism is the root of a lot of this.
12:03If you have a belief that it's the end of the world if I make a mistake, then you're
12:08paralysed about going to work.
12:10But I think what it is, James, it's important that you start reflecting on this to change
12:14your belief systems in your head.
12:16One way of starting to rewrite the script is to start making it a habit where you block
12:22your thinking.
12:23Okay.
12:24You can break your routine down into stages.
12:26Yes.
12:27And then each stage has got a time where all you do is focus on that stage and refuse to
12:32move away.
12:33Okay.
12:34Number one, which means sit up.
12:35Okay.
12:36Number two, put your feet on the floor.
12:37Number three, stand up.
12:38Number four, start walking.
12:40It's ridiculous, but it works.
12:41Okay.
12:42It works.
12:43Yeah.
12:44Because you're like a little robot.
12:45You're just automatic pilot.
12:47Okay.
12:48I want you to try this so that next time we meet, you can feed back.
12:52Yeah.
12:55Sometimes we get caught up with catastrophic thinking and loss of perspective.
12:59Yeah, Andrew.
13:01One way to deal with this is to train our minds to do things without analyzing or thinking.
13:06So for example, if I want to go outside and weed the garden and I stop and I think,
13:11then I'm likely to think, hmm, it's a bit cold today and I'll have a bad back tomorrow
13:15and it'll take forever.
13:16So I don't go.
13:17Whereas if I say, right, I'm not going to think at all.
13:20Right.
13:21Start digging.
13:22Then I'm likely to get the job done.
13:23Hi there.
13:24How'd it go?
13:25Yeah, really good.
13:27That's a behavioral approach, but once you change the behavior, you need to look at the underlying problem.
13:32See you soon.
13:34Take care.
13:35Bye.
13:36Bye.
13:37Bye.
13:38I live in London and I live with my 17-year-old daughter.
13:52Bye.
13:53She is definitely one of my greatest supporters and it's hard to try and protect her from my
13:59issues.
14:00Hi.
14:01Hello.
14:02Hi.
14:03I'm Fatoumata.
14:04Come through.
14:05People do perceive me as being confident because I'm all fine, all smiles and all happy.
14:12But really inside I'm in turmoil.
14:15Okay, so nice to meet you.
14:18Yeah, nice to meet you too.
14:20Yeah, I'm Fatoumata.
14:21Tell me how life has been for the past, you know, let's say couple of weeks, couple of months.
14:26Oh, gosh.
14:27I mean, how long have you got?
14:30Let's go.
14:31I always have that horrible feeling in my stomach.
14:36I always feel quite vulnerable.
14:39And I don't know, I've always felt that.
14:43Yeah.
14:44You know, isolating and not wanting to do things, being scared of everything.
14:49I've not been able to be in the house on my own for years.
14:54My ex-husband, he used to go away for work quite a lot and I couldn't stay in the house
15:00by myself.
15:01When did you break up?
15:03In the lockdown.
15:04How are you doing since then?
15:07Like, was it a tough divorce or...?
15:09Obviously at first I was devastated.
15:12Yeah.
15:13When it happened it was a shock to us both because I think, you know, being locked down,
15:19some of the anxieties and insecurities seemed to blow out of proportion and get even worse.
15:26Yeah.
15:27I'm embarrassed to talk about it because it sounds like,
15:30oh, why are you scared to be in the house by yourself?
15:33I haven't actually been on my own since my daughter.
15:37So, I haven't had to test it out.
15:40OK, and your daughter is how old?
15:4217, but she's nearly 18.
15:45She's going to be in uni soon.
15:47She wants to stay with me, but I said to her, look, you don't have to stay with me.
15:53You don't have to worry about me.
15:55Yeah.
15:56But I know she does.
15:57I mean, look, I'm really glad you're able to tell me, you know, even though it feels embarrassing.
16:04You're very anxious and we're trying to help you with that.
16:07Mm-hm.
16:08If I ask you, when did it start?
16:11Well, I think it's been years.
16:13When I was at school, for the whole school time I was bullied.
16:18Lunch times, most people would go into a lunch hall, eat their dinner with their friends,
16:23but I didn't.
16:24I went and stood with the lollipop lady.
16:27I just didn't understand, why were they picking on me?
16:31Just because I was different.
16:33What do you mean?
16:34What are you getting at?
16:36I mean, somebody said to me once, maybe it's because you were adopted.
16:40You know, I was always really grateful and I felt special and I felt really wanted.
16:46But when people at school found out that was the thing to, you know, bully me about.
16:51Oh, you weren't wanted.
16:52I don't know, that made me very anxious.
16:57Sounds like that's really painful.
16:59Yeah.
17:00It is.
17:02There's a lot there.
17:04The brain's primary purpose is to keep us safe, but sometimes we have a faulty system
17:12because we maybe experienced something that was particularly scary or dangerous.
17:18So you can imagine somebody who was bullied as a child will probably grow up to bring that
17:24into situations that are no longer so dangerous or so scary.
17:28And my job as a therapist is to help people learn to filter that out.
17:33Everything you've said makes a lot of sense.
17:36Being bullied is one of those key things that can have, like, lasting impacts for the rest of your life.
17:42You do things that help you feel safe.
17:46The problem with that is safe doesn't equal fulfilled.
17:50I feel stuck. I'm safe, but I'm stuck.
17:52Right.
17:53That's true.
17:54We are going to learn how you can have a better relationship with yourself.
18:02See you next week.
18:03Yeah.
18:04See you next week.
18:05Yeah.
18:06See you next week.
18:07I'm on my way to meet James.
18:19He started therapy to help with anxiety, which sometimes stops him going to work in the morning.
18:26I'm keen to find out how he's been getting on with Steve.
18:30Hey.
18:31Hello.
18:32How are you?
18:33I'm good. How are you?
18:34Nice to meet you.
18:35Emma.
18:36Nice to meet you.
18:37How are you doing?
18:38I'm very well yourself.
18:39Good.
18:40This is gorgeous, isn't it?
18:41It is.
18:42It is really nice.
18:43This is my walk to work.
18:44I'd love that as my commute to work.
18:47So why did you think now was a good time for therapy?
18:52I'm worrying about going to work.
18:54I feel like I need to do everything right.
18:58In my head, if I do mess up, it will be almost the end of the world.
19:01Then that prevents me from going in.
19:04It feels almost overwhelming.
19:06It's funny, isn't it, how our brains work and I suppose trick us in a way, right?
19:12Yeah.
19:13It's that fear of failure.
19:14I mean, I've absolutely said no to things because of fear I'm not good enough.
19:19And to try and shut that down is so much harder than it sounds.
19:25So what has Steve...
19:27Has he sent you away with anything useful that you're trying to implement?
19:30There is a technique called the robots.
19:33It's basically getting up in the morning and doing things step by step,
19:37putting your feet on the floor, make yourself breakfast and coffee
19:40and literally focus on that one thing each time.
19:43So you're present in that moment.
19:45Exactly, yeah.
19:46Rather than thinking about the future and catastrophizing.
19:48Yeah, exactly that.
19:50Sounds easy.
19:51Can't imagine it is.
19:53No.
19:54How's it going?
19:55The anxiety is still there, but it isn't as high.
19:58This week I'm getting to work.
20:00I feel good when I am there.
20:02I think it just needs to become a routine with me and then it'll be easy every day.
20:07Yeah.
20:08And here you are.
20:09Exactly.
20:10In the park.
20:11In the park.
20:12How amazing.
20:13I'm going to try it.
20:14Yeah, give it a go.
20:15I will.
20:16Give it a go.
20:17I really related to James.
20:22I definitely understand the kind of fear of failure, the catastrophizing, the over worrying.
20:30He seems like he's really open to it.
20:33And that is this half the battle, isn't it really?
20:46After sharing her anxieties with Owen, Nicole wants to learn how to overcome them.
20:53Owen is ready for you in room two.
20:55Do you remember where you're going?
20:56I think so.
20:57If I get lost, I'll come back.
20:59Right.
21:00See you in a bit.
21:01Two.
21:02Two.
21:03Yeah.
21:04Two.
21:05Welcome back.
21:06How's your week been?
21:07Good.
21:08Busy.
21:09All work stuff?
21:10Yeah, like work stuff.
21:11But then we wanted to go, there's one of these like, you know, big super stores that
21:16you buy things in bulk.
21:17And my housemate said, oh, but you're going to drive, right?
21:20And I was like, yeah.
21:22And we went.
21:23And as soon as it got to an area where I didn't know, that's when all the questions
21:27start.
21:28So tell me what happened then.
21:29Did you get stuck and have to be airlifted out of the car?
21:32No.
21:33I did not.
21:34It was worse on the way back.
21:36That was where the crying came in.
21:38And I totally couldn't regulate it at all.
21:42How do you feel about the fact that this may not be about the car and the roads and
21:48driving?
21:49I would say how.
21:50How?
21:51Because I don't think this is a real issue.
21:54If I'm being brutally honest with you, I don't think the driving in the car is a real
21:59issue here.
22:00I think it's a symptom.
22:02I think it's just a symptom of what's playing out.
22:05But I suspect this is deeper than this here and it's much more fundamental.
22:10Sometimes when you're talking, I'm very, very aware of this kind of almost residual sadness
22:15in the background.
22:16And I don't know if you're aware of that sometimes.
22:19I don't know.
22:20Does it get pushed down or does it get held back?
22:22Maybe.
22:23I don't know.
22:24I hate crying.
22:25I don't like crying in front of people.
22:26I really...
22:27How is that going to play out in therapy?
22:28Oh God, I don't know.
22:29I think I'm telling myself off.
22:30If I cry, I'm like, why are you crying and just being silly?
22:32If I have to cry, I will try and escape and leave so I can do it on my own.
22:47Are you aware of part of you that's maybe trying to hold back and not feel stuff that
22:53may make you upset or cry?
22:54Probably a little bit.
22:56And I will push that crying emotion down.
23:02Does it help you understand why you get anxious sometimes?
23:06Yeah, it kind of makes sense that I'm annoyed at myself for being upset.
23:14And then it builds that way.
23:16Yeah.
23:17And I think that's part of why you maybe get stuck in the anxiety.
23:21And actually when you give yourself permission to feel and be a bit more vulnerable.
23:24Yeah.
23:25Then you get your freedom back.
23:26Yeah.
23:28As human beings, we like the nice emotions.
23:31We like feeling happy.
23:32We like joy.
23:33We like being in love.
23:34But then when the other emotions come up, like fear, dread, sadness, whatever they might
23:39be, a lot of energy can go into either avoiding those emotions or pushing them down.
23:43And anxiety can be a symptom of that.
23:46You've got to go in and get to these emotions and know that they're safe.
23:50And that's when people start to feel empowered because they realise that they're not going
23:54to get overwhelmed by the emotions.
23:55Before Muna has her second session with Fatimata, I'm on my way to meet her daughter, Farah.
24:12These issues have such a big impact on the whole family.
24:16I know when I was dealing with addiction, in many ways it was Emma and the kids that
24:20suffered the most.
24:21I want to find out how Farah has been coping with her mum's struggles.
24:25Hello?
24:26Hello.
24:27It's Matt.
24:28Can I get you a drink?
24:29I'd love a glass of war if that's alright.
24:34In your opinion, what do you think your mum struggles with?
24:39Her confidence.
24:40Right.
24:41I feel like sometimes she isn't always up for doing things that everyone else would
24:47want to do.
24:48Right.
24:49I think that holds her back a bit in life.
24:50Yeah.
24:51It must be quite hard on you if you're dealing with everything that's going on with your mum
24:55as well.
24:56Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:57It must be quite challenging for you.
24:58When I was younger, I didn't really know a lot that was going on.
25:00Yeah.
25:01Being an only child as well, it's like I didn't really have anyone else to ask or understand.
25:05So it was just me.
25:06Right.
25:07So growing up, I kind of understood her a lot more.
25:08So I hear that you might be leaving.
25:10I don't really want to leave her.
25:13She relies on me in the sense that I'm her best friend and she's my best friend and we're
25:17together like peas in a pod.
25:19Yeah.
25:20I mean, what were your hopes from her going to therapy?
25:22What were you hoping for her to achieve?
25:24I was just hoping for her to achieve her full potential.
25:28I feel like she has a lot to offer and she has a lot to bring to this world.
25:31She needs to go out more and socialise and, you know, be herself with other people so
25:36that she's not just stuck with me all the time, you know, doing what she loves.
25:48So last week we went straight into your story and I was thinking really hard about where
25:54to start today.
25:56When we think about, you know, your difficulties, is there a time that you can remember when
26:02you didn't have that struggle?
26:04Yeah.
26:05When I was eight, nine, ten, the bullying got a lot worse from 12 to 15.
26:13I remember one time I came into the classroom and my desk had been put right on its own in
26:20the corner and all the other desks, they'd made them go together.
26:24I know it sounds like nothing.
26:26No, it sounds horrible.
26:28Hmm.
26:30It sounds like it's been something that's really impacted you.
26:34It's my job to help you with that difficulty and I'm going to do that today a little bit.
26:39So we're going to do a little exercise.
26:42OK.
26:43Close your eyes for me, please.
26:45OK.
26:47I want you to describe your school for me and what you see.
26:53Describe it for me.
26:54Well, straight away I can see my desk on its own and all the other desks are in the side
27:02and the back, like clubbed together.
27:06What are you feeling when you see this?
27:08I'm just like, I want the ground to swallow me up.
27:11So what do you do next?
27:13I just literally go to my desk and just sit on the desk.
27:18And then everyone's laughing in the back.
27:21And how are you feeling at this point?
27:24Humiliated as usual.
27:27Angry.
27:28Yeah, angry.
27:29I want you to now insert yourself into this image as adult Muna as well.
27:35Mm-hmm.
27:36So you're going to go in and help your younger self.
27:40And this is your imagination, so you can do whatever you want.
27:43I walk in and all the desks are moved and I basically say to them, why are you doing this?
27:55How would you like this done to you?
27:58And I'd say, how do you think you're making this girl feel?
28:01You need to stop this now.
28:03You need to stop it before it goes too far.
28:06So what do you do next?
28:09I say to her, what do you want to do now?
28:12Let's go and do anything.
28:15And what does she say?
28:17She says, let's go roller skating.
28:23We're kind of so impacted by those early life experiences.
28:27And that's why therapists, we're so obsessed with going back to the past.
28:32It's about going back to those sticky moments and processing them in a more healthy way.
28:38I love the image of taking that girl out of the classroom, walking her out, letting her know you don't deserve this.
28:49You didn't have yourself back then, but you do have yourself now.
28:54Yeah.
28:55That little girl still lives inside you.
28:57You know, you can be that person for her now.
29:00Steve is ready for you in room one.
29:11Thank you very much, thank you.
29:12See you in a bit.
29:13See you in a bit.
29:14Come on in.
29:17Hello, Steve.
29:18How are things all right?
29:19I'm good.
29:20Good to see you.
29:21Grab a seat.
29:22How are you?
29:23Yeah, I'm good, thank you.
29:24I'm good.
29:25Right.
29:26I'm going to be intrigued to hear how it's got on.
29:29How did you get on?
29:30Did you get to work every day?
29:32I used your steps, like you said, and tried to block out everything.
29:35Did it work?
29:36It did.
29:37It did, actually.
29:38So I was just concentrating on what I was doing at the time.
29:42On my way to work, I'd think about things that I would be doing with my son at the weekends,
29:47and then before I knew it, I was at work and just doing my day.
29:52So yeah, it was good.
29:53Brilliant.
29:54In the first interview that we had, there was a moment where you gave me a bit of a right smile saying,
30:00I guess we're going to go back to my childhood.
30:02Yeah.
30:03I have a feeling that's where we're going to find the basis of the problem.
30:06Who were you being brought up by?
30:08By mum and dad.
30:09And how did you find mum and dad?
30:12Mum was very supportive, verbally and physically.
30:17My dad, not so much verbally, but he was there when I needed him.
30:22What did you want from him that you feel looking back?
30:25I would like to know that he was proud of me from what I have achieved.
30:29He's never said that.
30:30When I started doing sport, football, I wasn't great and I had to find my feet playing, etc.
30:37And some of the comments he was making towards me weren't very positive.
30:41Such as?
30:43Stop running like a girl.
30:45OK.
30:46I mean, that's the one that sticks with me most.
30:50Is there a reason you think he did that? What was his purpose?
30:53To do better in the game? Performance.
30:55Right.
30:56Yeah.
30:57What you've got is you've got a parent who's well-meaning.
31:00And what you're saying to me is, that didn't actually help me.
31:03It actually destroyed my confidence.
31:05It did destroy my confidence.
31:07You've got in your brain this idea that it is possible to get there and please my dad.
31:12But I need to not make errors.
31:14I need to not get it wrong.
31:15I need to be absolutely spot on.
31:17And when I get perfection, he'll definitely approve of me.
31:21So therefore I mustn't be seen to be failing because that's what I'm presenting all the time.
31:26And it hurts.
31:27It hurts me to be told you're failing.
31:29Yes.
31:30It's still there.
31:31It's still there.
31:32You've carried that through and haven't challenged it into adult life and it's still raising its head.
31:41And then, kapow, in comes the stroke.
31:46Yes, absolutely.
31:47Which is devastating at any age.
31:49And a young man, it's doubly.
31:54So you have an enormous bang to your confidence, to your self-esteem.
32:01So now we've got...
32:02This sounds so negative.
32:03No, no, no, no, no.
32:04We've got low self-esteem, can't please dad, terrified of making mistakes.
32:09Now that what I was going to build on, my empire has collapsed.
32:13I'm now even left with worse than ever.
32:15I've had a stroke and now I'm left with epilepsy.
32:18Yeah.
32:19How would you think that would leave somebody?
32:21Pretty much in pieces, broken.
32:23Right.
32:24Yeah.
32:25All right.
32:26Yeah, okay.
32:27So it's a miracle that you're actually relatively intact.
32:31So how do we resolve it?
32:33And we can.
32:34That's a good guess.
32:35So this is a good bit now.
32:36We won't end with, well, off you go.
32:39How do you want to define yourself?
32:41How do you want to define whether you're successful?
32:44Is it by being perfect in things and not making mistakes?
32:47Or is it about looking at your values, the person you are, the way you conduct yourself,
32:53your behaviours?
32:54Yeah, latter.
32:55Definitely.
32:56Yeah.
32:57People who know what their values are, and when they look in the mirror,
33:01see someone looking back who holds these values, feel at peace with themselves.
33:05Okay, yeah.
33:06What are your strengths?
33:07I'm hardworking.
33:08Yeah.
33:09I'm honest.
33:10Yeah.
33:11I would say I'm engaging and friendly.
33:14I care about people.
33:15And I probably would put people before myself a lot of the time.
33:20That's a really attractive personality trait, isn't it?
33:21Yeah.
33:22Where you think, you know, your moral stance is, we should care for each other.
33:23That's what you're saying.
33:24And I demonstrate that.
33:25Yeah.
33:26It's difficult for me.
33:27Trying to reinforce that belief in myself.
33:28Well, let's not force the belief because it's a truth.
33:29Yeah.
33:30Yeah.
33:31I want you to go back over the qualities of yourself.
33:32So we can start getting some self-esteem.
33:33Yes.
33:34Let's look at all the strong traits you've got and what you're offering, which is a lot.
33:35They're truths.
33:36They're staring you in the face.
33:37Sounds good.
33:38Are you happy?
33:39Absolutely.
33:40Yeah.
33:41I'm happy.
33:42Yeah.
33:43Yeah.
33:44Yeah.
33:45Yeah.
33:46Yeah.
33:47Yeah.
33:48Yeah.
33:49Yeah.
33:50Yeah.
33:51Yeah.
33:52Yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:54Yeah.
33:55Yeah.
33:56Yeah.
33:57Yeah.
33:58Yeah.
33:59Yeah.
34:00Yeah.
34:01Yeah.
34:02Yeah.
34:03Yeah.
34:04Yeah.
34:05Sounds good.
34:06Are you happy?
34:07I absolutely am.
34:08Yes.
34:09Yes.
34:10You're on the right track.
34:11I would hope the future brings, you know, more positivity and I can look at myself in the
34:15mirror and feel my value and my worth.
34:18Ever so slightly, every day, things are getting a bit better.
34:23I'm not superhuman and I don't need to, you know, put myself on the pedestal.
34:27I can just do my best and try my hardest.
34:34I'm in Watford today and I'm off to meet Nicole who's been having therapy with Owen.
34:52She's working on trying not to mask her emotions.
34:55I'm keen to see if she's made any progress.
34:58Hi, Nicole.
34:59Hi, Matt.
35:00How are you?
35:01You all right?
35:02Hi, how are you?
35:03Good.
35:04Hi.
35:05Shall we hug?
35:06Oh, that's hug.
35:07Nice.
35:08There we go.
35:09I'm a hugger.
35:10I'm a hugger too.
35:11That's good to hear this.
35:12Nice to know.
35:13Yeah.
35:14So how long have you lived near here?
35:15So since 2017, it's lovely.
35:16Got a house, housemate, dog, car.
35:19So from the tick list, that's tick, tick, tick.
35:22True.
35:23But I decided that I wanted to work through my own things that were making me anxious
35:30because I feel like recently my anxiety has kind of snowballed a little bit.
35:36Right.
35:37My experience with therapy was I went there for one thing, thinking I just need to look
35:42at this.
35:43And it kind of opened up this whole thing.
35:45I was like, oh, there's quite a lot that I have to address here.
35:48Yeah, exactly the same.
35:49I thought I was going for this driving anxiety.
35:53Yeah.
35:54I thought it was just going to get like worked out.
35:55Where did it come from?
35:56All sorted.
35:57And then there was this Pandora's box of stuff that some of it I didn't even realise
36:03was an issue.
36:04Yeah.
36:05I'm taking little golden nuggets, as I've kind of called them, and then I'm slowly
36:10like applying it into my life.
36:13So what kind of golden nuggets have you taken on into your life so far?
36:17I am really deeply emotional.
36:18Yeah.
36:19And I don't like to like cry in front of people.
36:21But I do feel it and I just box it all up.
36:24And the idea of taking that mask off and being vulnerable is scary.
36:29It's scary.
36:30And kind of where I am now is still trying to be like, take it off and just see what's
36:36underneath.
36:37I'm on the road now.
36:39I'm driving on the road.
36:40You drove here today, right?
36:41Yes.
36:42Yeah, how was that?
36:43Before, I would just do everything I could not to do that drive.
36:48But now I'm like, no, I'm going to give it a go.
36:50I'm going to try.
36:51Nice.
36:52So that's what I did.
36:53So you're going to drive home?
36:54Yeah.
36:55It's fine.
36:56It's going to be fine.
36:57It's fine.
36:58Exactly.
37:04I'm really, really pleased to see you doing so well.
37:06Yeah.
37:07I really love chatting to Nicole.
37:13She's had a few sessions and what I loved is her desire to put them into action.
37:20The fact she drove here alone was incredible and she's now driving home.
37:24She can put herself in situations that would scare her, you know, with the hope of it benefiting
37:30her, which is enormous.
37:37Can I get you a water or anything?
37:42Yeah.
37:43Can I have a bit of water, please?
37:44Yeah.
37:46Welcome.
37:47Grab a seat.
37:48Nice to see you.
37:49How are you?
37:51Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
37:52Thanks.
37:53And you?
37:54Good.
37:55Obviously, we're going to pick up on some of the work.
37:58What I've noticed in therapy is that when difficult emotions come up, you almost scramble
38:03very quickly to get away.
38:04Yeah.
38:05I'm trying to bring you towards your vulnerability.
38:08Yeah, because I would say vulnerability is like a negative thing.
38:11But through what we've done so far, I get that it's not.
38:16What are you most frightened of, do you think?
38:18Mmm.
38:20I want you to come out of your head when I ask you that question.
38:22And I want you to, as much as you can, just allow yourself.
38:26And just notice now, I can see you're tense.
38:29Yeah.
38:30Oh my God.
38:31And I can see this is making you nervous because, you know, what I don't want you to
38:34do here is that you don't need to perform here.
38:36Mm-hmm.
38:37You don't need to pretend here.
38:39You don't need to joke here.
38:40Mm-hmm.
38:41You don't need to run away here.
38:42Because the power is going to be in going to those emotions and going to that vulnerability.
38:47Just makes me feel uncomfortable because I feel like, like you're looking at me and you're
38:52actually seeing me and I'm like, oh.
38:54I'm kind of almost watching part of you cringe almost and thinking, oh God, this is uncomfortable
38:59because I don't want you to see me.
39:01Yeah.
39:02Shall I tell you what I'm thinking?
39:05Would it be useful for me to tell you what I am thinking and what I do see?
39:09Would that be useful?
39:10Uh, maybe.
39:20I think as you are now, this is beautiful.
39:23It's more real.
39:25You know, I see you as a human being.
39:27I see the fact that sometimes you're struggling.
39:29Mm-hmm.
39:30I watch her hard.
39:31You're trying to push all this down.
39:33I see how much energy is getting to keeping up these performances and these kind of masks.
39:39that you carry.
39:41When I was growing up, I felt like my self-worth was nothing.
39:46And because I kept telling myself that that was the truth, it kind of like becomes the truth.
39:51And you've become so used to being able to declare that I'm nothing.
39:56I'm nobody.
39:58I'm anxious.
40:00What do you like about yourself?
40:06What's happening?
40:07What a panic attack.
40:11Why does that feel so good?
40:12I don't know.
40:14Okay.
40:20There's something about going near these positive qualities.
40:23No.
40:30All right, so we're going to sit with us.
40:31We're not going to run from that sense of panic.
40:34All right.
40:42But isn't it fascinating that you get panicked about going towards your good qualities?
40:45Yeah.
40:46Because I find that so hard to do.
40:49Tell me what you know to be true.
40:56That I am kind.
41:01And that, like, I'm thoughtful of other people.
41:05Say these with conviction.
41:08These are truths.
41:09These are not made up.
41:10Um, mm-hmm.
41:18That I'm determined.
41:21That you are.
41:22That I'm enthusiastic.
41:23That I'm not a bad person.
41:24Because...
41:25What are you then?
41:26I'm a good person.
41:27Oh.
41:28Newsflash.
41:29I'm a good person.
41:31I'm a good person.
41:32There's a lot within you.
41:33There's a lot within you.
41:34There's fire in you.
41:35Whatever happens, I think you've got a great future ahead of you.
41:38Does the future excite you?
41:39Mm-hmm.
41:41Does it scare you?
41:42Yeah.
41:43That was much more definite.
41:44Yeah.
41:45I know.
41:46I know.
41:47I know.
41:48I know.
41:49I know.
41:50I know.
41:51I know.
41:52I know.
41:53I know.
41:54I know.
41:55I know.
41:56I know.
41:57I know.
41:58That was much more definite.
41:59Yeah.
42:00That was much more certain.
42:01Yeah.
42:02I'm excited, but it is terrifying.
42:04What are you most scared of?
42:09Just...
42:12Feeling.
42:14Just feeling.
42:16I'm just scared of feeling.
42:17Mm-hmm.
42:20That's your work.
42:21Mm-hmm.
42:25You've done brilliant.
42:28I couldn't have summed it up more perfectly myself, but the fact that you were able to
42:31find that...
42:33I'm just scared of feeling.
42:37I think for most people, right across the board in therapy, what you find is they have
42:41an attachment to their story, and that attachment might be a belief, I'm not good enough.
42:47I'm a failure.
42:48I'm worthless.
42:49I'm not lovable.
42:50When you watch people get to these crossroads, when they wake up, essentially, and they realise
42:57what they're doing.
43:01Wow.
43:02I mean, that's a gold dust moment for me.
43:08All righty.
43:14Oh, my gosh.
43:15Would you like a hug?
43:16Would that help?
43:17Yeah.
43:19Take good care again.
43:34So, we've previously talked about your daughter leaving home, and, you know, your worries about
43:39what that will mean for you.
43:41How are you feeling about that now?
43:44From before, where I couldn't be on my own in the house, I've moved on a little bit from
43:51that.
43:52I'm going to miss her and everything, but I've encouraged her to go to university.
43:56Don't worry about me.
43:57Live your life.
43:59I am going to be okay.
44:01I'm getting better every day.
44:04So, that's really huge, actually.
44:06Like, that change in perspective and the belief in yourself.
44:11It is the type of thing, you know?
44:12Like, you can go out for a meal on your own.
44:14You can do things that you like and that you enjoy, like roller skating.
44:20I think you've done really great.
44:22You know, you can be really proud of yourself.
44:27Keep pushing yourself to live the life that you want.
44:33I mean, I feel slightly overdressed for the skating today.
44:38I feel scary.
44:39I'm scared to stand up.
44:40Yeah, me too.
44:43Okay.
44:44We're still standing.
44:45At least they feel a bit wobbly.
44:49We're doing all right.
44:50So far, so good.
44:51Yeah, it's a bit crappy.
44:52Watch out, watch out.
44:54So, do you think you could ever come here on your own with a pair of skates on?
44:57A pair of skates?
44:58Normally, I'd say 100% no.
45:01100% no.
45:02Right.
45:03But, you know what?
45:05I might.
45:06What do you think's changed?
45:07I don't know.
45:08So many things have changed.
45:09So, I'm going to say never say never to anything at the moment for me.
45:12Yeah?
45:13Yeah.
45:14Yeah.
45:15Oh, it's going to be more.
45:16What are you going to be?
45:17Oh, my God.
45:18Oh, my God.
45:19Oh, my God.
45:20Oh, my God.
45:21Oh, my God.
45:26Mate, this is nice.
45:27It's lovely.
45:28You look like you're having fun.
45:29Yeah, I feel like I'm 11 years old again.
45:30Really?
45:31I absolutely love it.
45:32It was exhilarating.
45:33Did you feel embarrassed at all?
45:35I didn't feel embarrassed one bit.
45:36No?
45:37Not even when I fell over?
45:38No, I love that.
45:40I mean, I feel like you feel ready.
45:42Like, it feels like, you know, you seem to be having a great time.
45:45So, what do you think Fatimata with the thought of you today?
45:48I think she's going to be proud of me.
45:49Yeah?
45:50Yeah.
45:51I think she's going to give me a gold star.
45:52Yes.
45:53Yes.
46:02How was Muna?
46:03Muna was great.
46:04She was having such a good time, and I saw this light in her.
46:10Do you know what?
46:11The biggest thing for me is people realising that they're not stuck with the brain that they've got.
46:17And also that you're not alone in those feelings.
46:21We can feel so much like we don't want to talk about it.
46:25We don't want to open up because people might think we're weird or like we're not supposed to feel this way.
46:30When actually so many people go through this stuff.
46:33And also imagine kind of walking into that room not knowing exactly why you're there,
46:38but knowing that something doesn't feel right.
46:40Yeah.
46:41And you can unravel so many different things.
46:45We can all change.
46:46Yeah.
46:47We can all evolve and help ourselves.
46:50Absolutely.
46:51We're a work in progress.
46:52I'm always working on something.
46:54Don't you know it?
46:55I know.
46:56Always.
46:57Oh, hello, Matt.
46:58Hi.
46:59Hello.
47:00Oh, hello.
47:01Oh, hello.
47:02Hello.
47:03Oh, hello.