Change Your Mind Change Your Life S01E04
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00:00Therapy came into my life along with my husband.
00:04Shall I go? Sorry.
00:08I think Emma saw therapy as something I did.
00:11It's a fantastic thing for people that need it.
00:14I didn't think I needed it.
00:18Then lo and behold, first session.
00:22We could all do with some help at times.
00:24I might smile all the time, but I feel on the edge of a cliff.
00:28There are things in my life that I haven't told a soul.
00:32So, a team of Britain's leading therapists are opening the doors to their work.
00:36There are millions of people out there struggling.
00:39I hope we help people see that things can be better than they are today.
00:42Have a seat on the couch.
00:44You're not stuck with the brain that you've got.
00:48These people have given us permission to share their story
00:51as they confront the problems in their lives.
00:54I'll wake up with dread in my stomach.
00:56I'll just feel unfixable.
00:58Is your mind ever quiet?
00:59No.
01:03Emma and I will be checking in on their progress along the way.
01:06I had quite a while of my life where I was dealing with panic.
01:10That gives me hope then, see.
01:12To see if therapy can help change their lives.
01:14Life hits you and that is utterly beyond our control.
01:19But how we respond can really make an enormous difference.
01:22That's a part of my whole thing.
01:24You had an aha moment, it sounded like that.
01:27You just blow my mind.
01:28We can all change.
01:30I'm always working on something.
01:31I know.
01:32How's that?
01:48How are you?
01:49All of us put on this armor to tell everybody else,
01:53I'm fine.
01:55I feel that beneath that performance is a great deal of hurt.
02:02We need to be able to endure and keep going,
02:05but we also need to be able to express and feel our pain.
02:08And when we allow the pain through our system, it forces us to adjust.
02:19My life has been Dad's taxi for the last 30-odd years.
02:26I've got two daughters and one son.
02:28I support my kids in whatever they want to do.
02:31Hi.
02:32Hiya.
02:33You OK?
02:33Yes, thank you. Can I take your name?
02:35Philip.
02:36And who are you here to see today?
02:37Hey, Julia.
02:38I've got a T-shirt that says Netball Dad.
02:41Oh, no.
02:42So...
02:45My daughter, she's 16.
02:47Oh, teenager.
02:49A year and a half and she'll go to uni, so then that's it then.
02:5280% of my life is complete, and the last 20% I need to rectify.
02:59I don't want to grow old on my own.
03:02Hello, Philip. Come with me.
03:04I want to share my life with somebody.
03:07I think I've got a lot to offer, but I just can't emotionally take that first step.
03:15You made it.
03:16Yeah, just about.
03:17I guess the place to start is when the idea of therapy occurred to you, what was the kind of
03:26first thing you hoped you'd get from having therapy?
03:29Fundamentally, I want to find somebody and I want to be with somebody, but I wouldn't know where to begin with doing that.
03:38I've been on a bit of a journey since 2019. In the summer, I was fairly successful in the job that I was doing.
03:44I'd just met with a business partner to open a new restaurant in August.
03:49So you're a chef?
03:49Yeah. And then in October, I ended up going into hospital at the end with an infection on my toe,
03:56which spread quite rapidly up the leg. And eventually I had to have the leg amputated below the knee.
04:02And that, I mean, that is a, you know, a massive loss.
04:06And then in 2022, I had another infection in the other leg. Before you know it, they're taking me into
04:16hospital saying they want to take chunks out of my foot. And I just said, nah, I can't do this anymore.
04:23Instead of going back and forward to hospital, I said, you need to take the other leg off as well,
04:28below the knee, so I can start again, so I can carry on with my life.
04:34I've always been the strong one in the family. And at this moment in time, I couldn't be that.
04:42Everything changed, my life, my lifestyle, job, relationships, all changed within an instant.
04:52So where are you now in relationship with your legs?
04:55My legs won't stop me from doing something. If I can't do it, I accept it.
04:59I don't let them define me now. But it took me a long while to get to that point.
05:05It feels like it's an enormous loss. And you're giving me a really good show. Like, I sorted this now.
05:14I am a therapist, Philip, so obviously I'm going to challenge you. Do you really feel like emotionally you've managed the loss?
05:25I have moved forward. I've gone back to university. I'm doing a different role than what I used to.
05:31In every other aspect of my life, I'm going forward. But I can't move forward emotionally because of how I feel about myself when I look in the mirror.
05:41What do you see that you fear somebody else will judge?
05:46To be perfectly frank, when I look in the mirror, I see a freak, a circus freak.
05:53And it's not wording that I'd like to use, but that's the only way I see it.
05:58When you see there's no legs there and you're half a person, it's really hard to explain the impact, to be fair. I can't...
06:10I can hear in your chest like there's a catching in your throat.
06:19It takes courage, doesn't it, to address what is painful. But paradoxically, pain is the agent of change.
06:26Everything you do to block the pain actually keeps the pain locked in your system because it's not being dealt with.
06:34And it keeps coming up and you keep squashing it down.
06:37I've avoided this like the plague, to be fair, because I don't have to deal with it.
06:44What I want us to think about together is ways of expressing your loss so that you begin to change your relationship with your body.
06:56Is there something between now and next week that you could begin to practice?
07:02Just experimenting with looking in the mirror and changing the voice in your head.
07:06Like what that might be like.
07:09How does that sound?
07:10Yeah, really good. Positive.
07:19Steve's first session of the day is with 31-year-old Hannah.
07:24I work with children.
07:25I wouldn't change my job for the world.
07:30The day goes really quick, non-stop.
07:33I don't think I visit the toilet sometimes for a wee.
07:36Hannah.
07:37Hello.
07:38You're going to come through.
07:38Yes, thank you.
07:39I might smile all the time, but then deep down, actually, I'm on the edge of a cliff.
07:47Not really knowing what to do anymore because it's got so bad.
07:53So, where have you come from?
07:54Essex.
07:55All right.
07:56I can tell from the accent, actually.
07:58A lot of people say it's too Essex-y sometimes, but...
08:02Can never be too Essex-y.
08:03Never.
08:03It's very comfortable.
08:04It's good.
08:06So, do you want to first give me a little bit of information about yourself?
08:10I suffer with really bad anxiety.
08:12Okay.
08:12And wanting just to be near mum all the time, really clingy, really needy. From about 16,
08:22that's when it got really intense. One day, I just got this really weird, nauseous feeling,
08:29and it really scared me. And from then on, there's just this massive fear of being sick.
08:36Okay.
08:38It affects me every day. I get so scared of being sick or catching a bug or germs and things like
08:46that. It's overbearing. I don't think I ever wake up and think, I feel normal.
08:52Right. What is it you do in your work?
08:56So, I work in daycare.
08:59Okay. Okay. So, lots of sick children.
09:03Yeah.
09:04Yeah.
09:04Do you enjoy it?
09:06I absolutely love it. I wouldn't change it for the world. It's just really difficult.
09:11Okay.
09:12So, what I want to do now is push all of the things you've given me.
09:16Yeah.
09:16Stuff. And focus on you.
09:17Mm-hmm.
09:18What I'm trying to explain to people is, within your brain, you can think of it very
09:22simplistically as two different systems operating, which are making decisions for you.
09:27Mm-hmm.
09:27You've got what I call the human system, and you've got the chimp system.
09:31The idea would be, don't allow the chimp to get control.
09:34Okay. Yeah.
09:35The chimp works emotionally. There's no logic. It's just fear, what might happen, catastrophe.
09:41It never solves problems. It focuses on them. When we're in human mode, you'll assess things,
09:46get perspective, reality, put it together rationally, logically.
09:49Yeah.
09:50And that's the work I'd like to do with you.
09:52Okay.
09:53Right. So, we need first to find who Hannah is. That's really important.
09:57Mm-hmm.
09:57And then we can separate you from your chimp.
10:00Yeah.
10:01How would you want to be as an ideal person?
10:03Happy.
10:05Okay.
10:07Fun.
10:08Fun.
10:09Fun. Okay.
10:10A bit on the wild side.
10:12Okay.
10:14And an independent person.
10:17Okay. That's the biggest one you give me.
10:19Yeah.
10:20Yeah.
10:21If I were to remove these other systems from your brain, this is actually the real person.
10:26So, Hannah is a happy, resilient, confident, a little bit wild. And I love the last one.
10:32Independent.
10:33Yeah.
10:33Because I believe that is the problem.
10:35Mm-hmm.
10:36If we can establish this independence and demonstrate who you are, and that is an independent woman,
10:42who can cope with the world, they're resilient, then we've now got Hannah.
10:47So, that's the ambition for me, is to work to get you to be yourself.
10:51Mm-hmm.
10:52We're going to come back to this one.
10:53Okay.
10:54I think your best way of seeing your chimp is one of the children under your care.
10:58So, if one of the children came to you and said, I'm scared,
11:02what would you say to the child?
11:05It's okay. You don't have to be scared. I'm here. You're safe.
11:10Bingo.
11:13I think that's a really crucial thing for you to start with, to say,
11:16your chimp really can't deal with life.
11:18No.
11:18That's fine. But you can, as long as you keep applying it,
11:23Mm-hmm.
11:24Eventually, the brain will start working with you.
11:25It's like a child, isn't it? Potty training.
11:27Exactly.
11:27You keep going, you don't do that.
11:28Be persistent, yeah.
11:29Yeah.
11:30You'll have tough times because the chimp is not going to let go.
11:33Yeah.
11:33For 31 years, she's run the shore.
11:35Yeah.
11:36What I'd like to do then before next time is see if you can start this reassurance to say,
11:40right, this isn't going to happen.
11:42Yeah.
11:42And we'll pick it up from there.
11:43Amazing. And thank you very much.
11:52Life is challenging and difficult and overwhelming for many people.
11:58And they bring it all at the beginning. So they'll bring their external world, their job,
12:03their family, their family, their kids, their money worries. And they also bring their internal world,
12:08and that's the stuff that they're struggling with, how they're feeling.
12:13So I haven't told any of my friends that I'm coming to therapy.
12:17They wouldn't believe me anyway. I'm just not that type of person. They'll think I'm winds in a map.
12:22I've always thought of therapy as a little bit marshmallowy.
12:31I think I'm going to walk into a room, whoever the therapist is looking at me over their glasses,
12:36sit on a sofa and levitate, meditate and huggy-wuggy.
12:40Thank you very much.
12:40If you take a seat, I will let Owen know that you're waiting.
12:43Lovely. Thank you.
12:45I've got to a point now in my life where I feel so overwhelmed with everything.
12:50So I'm going to give it a go.
12:52Hi, Amanda.
12:53Hello.
12:54You having through?
12:56Oh, yeah. Nice to see you.
12:57Nice to meet you.
12:58Come in.
12:59If I can get anything from it, it would be a bonus.
13:02Welcome.
13:07Where are you from originally?
13:09Originally, I grew up in Cardiff.
13:11I can hear it now. I didn't hear it at first, but now I hear it.
13:15If I get angry, you'll hear it a lot more.
13:17Do you know, it's funny you say that, because my partner will say that if I'm angry or annoyed,
13:21I'm Irish.
13:22Yes.
13:22And my accent gets really strong.
13:25Well, if we hear a combination of the Welsh and the Irish.
13:28We're both running opposite directions, yeah.
13:30That's a good combination.
13:32Have you got any notions about what you would like to focus on?
13:36It's like there's many, many pieces to the pie of my life, and all of which I'd like to be able to
13:41do more for. It's a case of spinning plates. If one of them falls, well, then it's a big problem.
13:47What do you think they are for you? If I say, what are you, what are the kind of key
13:52things that you're juggling?
13:52So, husband, Brian's ill. He's got an illness that came around in 2015. He had a massive
14:01tumour in his brain.
14:02I can't really hear that.
14:03And following the operation, it left him disabled as well.
14:06I've got parents who are becoming older. I've got in-laws who have got health issues.
14:13Four children, four grandchildren. My son's on the spectrum, and he needs a lot of support.
14:18And that's only the time outside my two jobs.
14:23God, you're spinning a lot of plates. Is your mind ever quiet?
14:28No.
14:29Can you give me a snapshot or just an idea of what it's like in your head?
14:33Erm, it's kind of like, it's almost like an office inside my head.
14:38And there's a lady who works in the office called Barbara.
14:40Barbara basically organises my thoughts for me.
14:43She's like your PA.
14:44Yeah, yeah, like an internal PA.
14:46When I was a kid, I used to imagine her as sitting at a desk.
14:50She could see out of my eyes, so she could see everything.
14:52But she would organise my mind so she could archive that,
14:54get something else out that we do need to think about.
14:57The problem is, is I think that Barbara's desk is now filled with sort of half-open files.
15:02I seem to be doing an awful lot of things okay, instead of doing anything well.
15:09If I was sat here and I was telling you that those things had happened in my life,
15:12what would you think?
15:14I think you could absolutely make some doubt with it.
15:16Yeah.
15:17And I'm wondering, do you think that about yourself?
15:20No.
15:22Here's a big question, what's your perception of you?
15:24Erm, I would say relatively presentable, talks way too much, doesn't listen to people,
15:33can be too gobby, gets moody, is a bit of a bitch really.
15:40What have you noticed about your list?
15:42They're all pretty negative and I know that.
15:44That was semi-presentable.
15:48Semi-presentable.
15:49I'll give you that one, but the semi killed it, didn't it?
15:55I do think there's a hell of a lot going on with you that you don't acknowledge.
16:00I don't think I deserve the positivity.
16:03Have you noticed that there have been periods when you doubt yourself or you
16:07kind of self-deprecate or you underestimate yourself?
16:10Following today, even following this, I'll go home and think,
16:13you were just like, oh my God, she's so wasted my time.
16:15Wow. You couldn't be further from the truth.
16:21Genuinely.
16:21I don't think my brain would trust that.
16:23Maybe not yet.
16:24Oh, it will. We'll get there.
16:28There isn't a single human being on the planet, myself included, who doesn't have
16:33a critical voice in our head that's saying,
16:36you're shit, you're rubbish, you're not good enough.
16:39This constantly, constantly berating yourself and talking yourself down and beating yourself up,
16:45that can feel overwhelming.
16:47So I guess in therapy, what you're doing is saying,
16:49okay, what would a different perspective look like?
16:52What I'd love you to do between now and next time is I want you to go over your life.
16:56I want you to highlight for me on a list, the kind of the high points in your life,
17:00as far back as you can remember.
17:02Okay.
17:02And the low points.
17:03Okay.
17:04And that's the only thing I want you to do between, oh, actually I lie,
17:08there's another thing. Stop giving yourself a hard time.
17:10Yeah. Yeah.
17:13How do you feel about therapy now?
17:16It doesn't seem marshmallow-y just yet.
17:18Oh, there's time for that, don't worry.
17:22Have a lovely week.
17:22And you. Thank you very much.
17:24You're welcome.
17:25No hugs just yet.
17:26No hugs, no hugs.
17:27Not yet.
17:27Phil is back for his second session.
17:39He's been working on how he feels about his body image.
17:44Really nice to see you again.
17:45Yeah, good to be here.
17:47And I wonder what's come up for you since last week.
17:52Last week, yeah.
17:53Well, I took some of the things that obviously we said on board.
17:57I needed to be a bit kinder to myself when I look in the mirror.
17:59Yeah.
18:00Still not looked in the mirror though.
18:02Fine.
18:03But I couldn't look at that image, to be fair.
18:07I mean, it's a very real image that you face that is a big loss and a big change.
18:13And so it feels like you've made a really good first step from our last session.
18:20The piece that resonates with me was that when we embrace the pain, that allows us to change.
18:30Does that make sense?
18:31Yeah, I think it's what's holding me back from moving myself forward, to be fair.
18:36Okay, so let's think of a way that we might do that.
18:40Do you want to close your eyes?
18:43Take a big breath in.
18:44I move your attention internally.
18:53Is there an image, a colour?
18:54What do you see?
18:56I just see black at the minute.
18:58Black?
18:59That black wall.
19:02I'm stood there on my own, but the thing is I can...
19:05It's funny how I've got legs when I see the image.
19:13What does that bring up for you?
19:17There's a lot of hurt there.
19:20Yeah.
19:23I thought I'd dealt with the pain, but I think it's still there and the anger's still there as well.
19:32Tell me about your anger.
19:37I want to hear your anger. It's very legitimate.
19:41I'm just angry that they've gone.
19:44Yeah.
19:46And I can't do the things I used to be able to do.
19:53Maybe it's a facade that I've come to terms with it.
19:59So do you want to open your eyes?
20:02I think what's really significant is really being in touch with your anger.
20:10I don't like the rage and I don't like the anger because it does scare me.
20:18So one of the things I've worked with other people that we do, there's something called a two-handed
20:22interweave. So this is the rage and this is the you that doesn't like the rage.
20:30Yeah.
20:31So let's get this hand speaking. So what this hand, what's this hand saying to the rage?
20:35Calm down. Calm down.
20:43Okay. So what happens with this hand?
20:46It's saying screw you.
20:48Why are you so angry?
20:59Because I don't like you.
21:03And this one?
21:04But we're the same.
21:07Who knew it?
21:23Yeah.
21:24Yeah. And both voices are important.
21:28Just to do those two voices, I'd have never have known that.
21:48No.
21:48Never.
21:50Yeah. And they're the same people.
21:55They're you.
21:56Who knew?
21:57My understanding is that you turned that anger against yourself because you didn't dare voice it.
22:07And it's important and it's there to be voiced.
22:12There's been this volcanic fury.
22:18So no wonder you can't look in the mirror.
22:20No wonder you can't date.
22:23So sadly, anger has a bad rap.
22:26Because when it's done inappropriately, it does a lot of harm.
22:31But when we find ways of expressing it in supportive ways, that is how we heal.
22:37It may be that you do it kicking in a swimming pool or punching a pillow.
22:41But it's kind of meeting your internal sense of what's going on in you and finding a way of
22:48expressing it that is contained and feel safe so that it doesn't contaminate all our other feelings.
22:56Maybe I need to go to the top of a hill on my own and scream to let some of that go.
23:03Yes.
23:05But after that, you then go home and then you watch something funny.
23:11Because we can't be furious and laugh at the same time.
23:15Yeah.
23:16So switch to what?
23:17What's your favourite funny programme?
23:20I like Only Fools and Horses.
23:21Perfect.
23:22Well done, you.
23:28Oh, thank you.
23:36I'm on my way to see Amanda in Somerset.
23:39I know just how hard it can be to put into practice what we learn in therapy.
23:44So I'm keen to see how she's getting on since she started her sessions with Owen.
23:48Hello.
23:50Hello.
23:51Hello.
23:51Hi.
23:52Hi, Amanda.
23:53How are you?
23:53Wow.
23:54I'm all good.
23:55It's just finished.
23:56It's just finished.
23:57So what exactly have you just finished?
23:59Killing people.
24:00No, it's the exact opposite.
24:02Right.
24:02Helping people to learn how to save people.
24:04So we do first aid training.
24:06Being a bit of a busy one, as you can see.
24:08Yeah, I can see there's lots of people in need of attention here.
24:11Now, they've all got to stand up facing the same way like the Bobslow team.
24:14OK, OK.
24:16I can tell you like your job.
24:19I love my job.
24:20Yeah, I can tell.
24:21I absolutely love it.
24:22And I've got feedback from people, you know, that says, you know,
24:25I've had really good time on this course.
24:27Yeah.
24:27Best course ever, learnt loads.
24:29Wow.
24:30Sometimes I'll get negative feedback.
24:32Right.
24:32How's that sit with you?
24:33Oh, that bothers me.
24:35I can have 11 people on a course.
24:38I really enjoyed it.
24:40It was really constructive.
24:41And then one person will say something like, I didn't like what she said about X, Y, Z,
24:47whatever it was.
24:48Yeah, yeah.
24:49And I'll just beat myself up about that.
24:51The whole drive home, I'm just thinking, you shouldn't have said that.
24:54And that inner voice is just going for it and going for it and going for it.
24:57Yeah.
24:58We ignore the good and we just kind of navigate towards that negative thing.
25:02It's easy, isn't it?
25:03Yeah.
25:03It's easy to listen.
25:04Well, it's not really hard, isn't it?
25:06It's really hard and difficult to deal with.
25:08But for some reason, we grow towards it.
25:09It sounds obvious to you.
25:11I know, but I know what that's like.
25:13I know that voice.
25:13Yeah, yeah.
25:14And I teach mental health.
25:15And one of the things I do on the mental health course is get people to write down nice things
25:20about themselves.
25:20Yeah.
25:21I just don't listen to what I'm teaching.
25:23Yeah.
25:24Is that something you've been working on with Owen?
25:27He'll sort of say, why are you thinking that?
25:29He wants to know where that thought process has come from.
25:32And that's what surprised me.
25:35Because when he asks me that question, I actually have to ask myself that question.
25:41Yeah.
25:41I've grown another inner voice, which is telling the other one to shut up and say,
25:45well, hang on a minute.
25:46There was 11 lots of good feedback, actually.
25:49Yeah, yeah.
25:50Look at the whole picture.
25:52Yeah.
25:53I'm pleased it's starting to sink in.
25:55It's starting.
25:56It's still a long way.
25:57Yeah, yeah, but we're seeing some kind of change, right?
25:59Still room for improvement.
26:01Absolutely.
26:01Listen to you.
26:09I did my homework for you.
26:11I've done your homework.
26:12Did you want that?
26:14Oh, you're quick off the mark.
26:16Hands it in, quick.
26:17You've got nice handwriting.
26:19Oh, well, thank you very much.
26:20OK, what was it like for you doing the life story?
26:22Yeah, no, the things that I'm most proud of are the things that I've achieved.
26:26Passing your driving test, car, lorry, bike.
26:30All of those.
26:31Oh, you've done a lot, have you?
26:32Yeah.
26:33So you can drive a lorry?
26:34I've got an Arctic licence, yeah.
26:36Have you?
26:36Yeah.
26:36Wow.
26:37Hair extensions, am I reading that right?
26:39Yeah, really weirdly.
26:40I went and did a load of beauty ones.
26:42I'm going to read these.
26:43I've got two.
26:44Hair extensions, eyebrow lid, spray tan.
26:47Yeah.
26:48And then you talk about the, you know, the birth of the four kids.
26:51Yeah.
26:52Four grandchildren.
26:53Yeah.
26:53But then, does that make me sound like an absolute cow?
26:57Top of the list is not, oh, the birth of my children.
27:00I'll tell you what you're brilliant at and you're absolutely expert.
27:03You're absolutely gold star at writing yourself off.
27:07I'd say you're up there with the greats.
27:13I know I can be horrible.
27:14I think you're more, I think you're more than that.
27:17I think you're way more than that.
27:18But believing that I'm, I'm a good person, that's quite hard.
27:25That's hard.
27:25That is really hard.
27:26Okay.
27:27Okay.
27:28So I'm going to go across to the lows now as well.
27:32Amanda, I've noticed one of the things here you've mentioned is,
27:34uh, you know, a particularly traumatic, difficult relationship that you were in.
27:41Yeah.
27:46Do you, do you want to say a bit more about that?
27:50Um, so that happened before I was married.
27:52Um, it was, uh, it was just an emotionally abusive relationship.
27:56Um, financially abusive and unfortunately physically abusive.
28:00So it kind of hit me from all angles, if you like.
28:06Of all the people that I would think would never be in an abusive relationship,
28:09I'm that person.
28:11There's no way anybody can control me for God's sake.
28:14But this man did.
28:16He sort of held me in a, in a place where emotionally you just, you know, you're not worth it.
28:21Everybody, everybody's going to hate you.
28:23Nobody's going to love you.
28:24Nobody wants you.
28:25And you believe it.
28:26Do you think part of you still believes that?
28:33Yeah.
28:38Thank you for telling me this and for putting it down here because
28:41I can see that this had a massive impact on you at the time.
28:44What's it like for you to, to talk about it now?
28:48Because I mean, it's an enormous part of your story and it would have been a travesty for us
28:52not to talk about it.
28:53So, you know.
28:54It's one of those things that's in a box.
28:56In a, in a cupboard.
28:58But it's not really, is it?
29:00As long as I don't think about it, it's fine.
29:01Yeah.
29:03But the way you talk to yourself, the way you treat yourself.
29:05Mm-hmm.
29:07Does it help you understand that some of that still might be residually playing out?
29:12Yeah, I think, I think you're right.
29:13It's almost like protecting myself.
29:15Yeah.
29:17I suppose it's easier for me to say the nasty things
29:19than it is for somebody else to say the nasty things.
29:21And I 100% did not deserve what he did.
29:25I am pleased to hear you say, I know I didn't deserve that.
29:29Can you hold that and remind yourself of that more often?
29:34Yeah.
29:34If trauma hasn't been dealt with, it stays within the body.
29:40And this kind of critical voice will go with that.
29:44That's what good trauma work does.
29:46You're moving the person away from any form of self-blaming, self-attacking,
29:52self-criticism, so they don't turn the trauma in on themselves.
29:56If I've made you stop and reflect and just kind of pull back a bit and catch your breath
30:01and look at things from a different perspective, or be open to possibilities, then I'm doing my job.
30:07You're doing absolutely brilliant, so I really encourage you to stay with this.
30:10Okay.
30:11I'm ready.
30:12And homework?
30:12Homework, please.
30:14Just waiting for that.
30:15I want you to notice when you fall into default mode,
30:19so when you just kind of fall into your typical reaction to something,
30:22if it falls onto the theme of you beating yourself up and giving yourself a hard time,
30:26I want you to just kind of start experimenting and playing around with going the opposite direction.
30:32Okay.
30:33If you think of physical illness in the body, you know,
30:36if you have an infection or you've got something on your skin that needs to treat it,
30:40I mean, you're not going to treat that effectively without actually going near the wound.
30:45You've got to go there.
30:47And it's the same with psychological pain.
30:49You know, you've got to go to the source of the wound.
30:52Hello, Hannah.
30:59How are you?
30:59I'm good. How are you?
31:01Hannah is back to see Steve.
31:05She's been working with him to address her sick phobia and anxiety.
31:11Hi, come in.
31:12Hello.
31:13Just push the sign over.
31:15Come and grab a seat.
31:17How's Hannah?
31:17Hannah's good.
31:18I think from when I started, I didn't really have an understanding of what all this was kind of coming from.
31:27Now I've got an understanding of kind of how the brain works, especially with the chimp as well.
31:33I'm kind of managing to bring Hannah into the real thought process.
31:37Brilliant, brilliant.
31:38So one of the things you said when I asked her, who is the ideal Hannah?
31:42You gave independence.
31:44So we're now going to look at going forward for independence.
31:48I don't know if I've ever kind of wanted to maybe let myself go and be independent,
31:54because I've always wanted to be looked after and reassured.
31:58You're looking, which we do as children.
32:00We look outside for support, whether it's our parents or the peer group.
32:03When we're adults, we start looking internally.
32:06One of the block points can be self-esteem.
32:10Yeah.
32:10If we don't have that, we can't go to that final stage to say, look, I respect myself,
32:16and I'm proud of who I am, and I know who I am.
32:19And I'm just questioning whether you didn't get that final step.
32:22I don't think I did, because I always put something in the way to not let me get through it.
32:28In the past, I was actually due to go away for a weekend with one of my really closest friends,
32:35and we had to leave halfway through, because I was panicking.
32:40I thought I was going to be sick from anxiety.
32:44I wanted to be at home with mum.
32:45OK.
32:46I couldn't look after myself.
32:49Which again is, I hate to say it, quite childlike.
32:51Yeah, childish.
32:54It's funny you saying that, because a lot of the times I say,
32:56I wish I could just go back to being a child again,
32:58because life is unfortunately good and bad, and I think that's what kind of freaks me out a little bit.
33:05So you don't want to grow up?
33:08No. Sometimes, no.
33:10So we have to say, well, that's not working.
33:14So what we're going to do is say, well, look at what other people do to get that independence,
33:19and we're going to have to look at your values,
33:21because the values will give you peace of mind, whatever's going on around you.
33:25If I come at the end of the day, even if I've made mistakes,
33:27but I stuck to my values.
33:29I was honest and truthful. I did my best.
33:32I feel at peace with myself.
33:33Yeah.
33:34Does that make sense?
33:35Yeah. Got ya.
33:36Can you see that that makes me feel strong?
33:38Yeah.
33:40100%.
33:40Yeah.
33:41Because in the past, if something has happened that's upset me,
33:46I will go home and take that with me, and I will fester on it,
33:49and I think that's what kind of freaks me out a little bit.
33:52But if you had a belief underpinning that I can deal with life...
33:55It wouldn't be so scary.
33:56It wouldn't freak you out.
33:57Actually, I've never thought of it like that before.
33:59No.
33:59Because I don't have those values to myself, I suppose.
34:03Yeah.
34:05How do we get people robust and resilient?
34:07It all boils down to being in tune with our values.
34:10If people start basing their self-worth on these values and acting them out,
34:15they then get peace of mind.
34:17What we're doing effectively is dismantling the system and then redoing it,
34:21so that you will be secure.
34:23Yeah.
34:23You'll be an independent adult.
34:24I'm learning so much more about myself, which gives me a little bit of hope to know that
34:30I am going in the right direction.
34:32You might knock me down a little bit, but I am not going to crumble.
34:36So you're building some resilience.
34:38Yeah, and I feel good in my improvements that I've made, because I do want just to have that freedom.
34:44And you'll get it.
34:46I'll get it.
34:47I'll get it.
34:48Small steps.
34:49Yeah.
34:50I feel like I've taken a leap, pushing that phobia out the way and me being a big girl and coping.
34:58Take care.
34:59All right.
35:01Bye.
35:02And I think I'm learning that.
35:03I'm a good person.
35:04Yes, 31 years down the line, but better later than ever.
35:08I've come to Preston to meet Phil.
35:18Hello.
35:19Hi.
35:20How are you?
35:21Good, thank you.
35:22You?
35:23Yeah, good.
35:24Nice to meet you.
35:25Nice to meet you.
35:26Oh, your hands are cold.
35:27It's freezing out there.
35:28I'm keen to hear if the sessions with Julia are helping him overcome his anger and his negative feelings about how he looks.
35:34How are you getting on?
35:35Yeah, good today.
35:36You know, every day is a different day, really.
35:38How's therapy going?
35:40Really good.
35:41Yeah, I didn't realise how much of a difference it would make.
35:45Through the sessions, I've realised that there's a lot of anger still wrapped up in me losing my leg.
35:51I thought I'd dealt with it.
35:52And so, some of the anger therapy that I'm doing at the minute, which is taking myself off in the car at 11 o'clock at night and screaming literally for half an hour, is a massive help.
36:04And was discovering that you still had anger a surprise to you?
36:09Yeah, massive.
36:10Yeah, I didn't realise how angry I was.
36:14I'm getting quite emotional about it now that that's how much anger there was in there.
36:19And I never realised that.
36:21It's quite something, isn't it, that you've got all of that in you and you're just oblivious to it, really.
36:27Yeah.
36:28Until you sit with someone, a professional, that can just go, hey, how about this?
36:35These legs are never going to come back.
36:38Mm.
36:39So how she's done it is amazing.
36:41And how has she done it?
36:43By working out that the voice is me.
36:45Instead of that derogatory voice thinking it's somebody else out there shouting things at me,
36:50it's me protecting me from going out on dates and the rejection, which I never thought of.
36:56That that connection that happened was amazing.
36:59That she'd figured that out.
37:01That's incredible, isn't it?
37:03What's the end goal?
37:05I want to feel at ease with looking at myself in the mirror.
37:08And if I can feel at ease at looking at myself in the mirror,
37:11I can open up to meeting somebody then.
37:14What a guy you are.
37:17I'm all right.
37:18You haven't got any single friends, have you?
37:25No.
37:26But if ever I find any, I'm sending them your way.
37:29Of course not.
37:35You know, when you first come in, you talked about the sense of overwhelm,
37:53a sense of chaos, trying to manage it all.
37:56There was a lot of self attacking.
37:57There was a lot of self judging.
37:59I basically put myself down before somebody else does.
38:01Jump in there first.
38:02You beat yourself up, don't you?
38:04Yeah.
38:05Quite a bit.
38:06Do you understand now, in terms of work you and I have been doing,
38:08that that's kind of like the top layer?
38:10Can you see that underneath it, there's a reason that you built those defences?
38:14You've had adversities, you've had challenges, you've had trauma in your life.
38:18I can.
38:21Do you feel less overwhelmed than you did?
38:23I do.
38:24Yeah.
38:25That's incredible.
38:26Yeah.
38:27What do you think you're doing that's helping you feel less overwhelmed?
38:30So I'm prioritising, I'm triaging what I need to deal with.
38:34I'd said no to somebody as well.
38:37Yeah.
38:38I quite often feel that I have to say yes to things.
38:41For example, some of the places that I teach, they'll all give out work via like a WhatsApp group.
38:48But something will come up in that chat and they'll need somebody to do something.
38:52And I feel almost obliged that, I almost feel like that message is coming to me.
38:56Because I've recognised that now.
38:58What I've been doing is going, no, somebody else can do that.
39:01Prioritising yourself?
39:03I have.
39:04I am.
39:05I do feel a little bit guilty because I think, oh, you know, I'm letting them down.
39:08But then that voice in my head is now saying, no, you're not.
39:12They've got loads of other freelance trainers.
39:14Okay.
39:15Compared to when I think back to when you first came in, that critical voice was ramped up.
39:21Yeah.
39:22It was up at, you know, if 10 was the maximum volume on the radio, it was up pretty high,
39:27wasn't it?
39:28Yeah.
39:29It sounds like that critical voice is changing.
39:32It's a little step, but I'm going to carry on in that direction.
39:35I disagree with you.
39:36I mean, because you're describing them like they're little steps,
39:39but actually they're not.
39:40They're really significant.
39:41I just have to put the effort in, don't I?
39:44It's a nice way to finish, isn't it?
39:45Yeah, absolutely.
39:46Goodbye for now and thank you.
39:51Go on then.
39:52You can give me a hug.
39:53I'm going to be nice.
39:54You can give me a hug.
39:57Look after yourself.
39:58When I first came here, I was getting really overwhelmed with absolutely everything.
40:01This lady with the desk in my head was just a total mess.
40:06But Babs has finally managed to get a bit of time off, put her feet on the desk, have a coffee,
40:12maybe even a biscuit break.
40:14Thank you for your hospitality while I've been waiting in reception all the time.
40:18It's been nice to see you.
40:19It's still busy.
40:20There's still stuff on there, but they're in tidy piles.
40:24And she can actually see some of the surface of the desk.
40:28Take care. Thank you.
40:29Bye.
40:30Bye.
40:45Nice to see you again.
40:47So I'm thinking about our end goal, which we had at the beginning, which is that you could look in the mirror.
40:53Mm-hmm.
40:54I looked in it this morning.
40:56Oh, my goodness.
40:57Okay.
40:58It wasn't as...
40:59I mean...
41:00I like the way you say that, like it's an ordinary thing, Phil.
41:05No, but it's...
41:06Um...
41:07Was today the first day you've looked in the mirror?
41:11Full length, yeah.
41:12Full length, yeah.
41:13Literally, maybe, what, 10 or 15 seconds, if that.
41:16You sound indifferent about something that...
41:18Yeah, I'm a bit indifferent about it.
41:19I don't know why.
41:20But it's almost like you wish it came out with sparkles and sunshine.
41:24Mm.
41:25That you'd kind of thought there'd be this alleluia moment.
41:29I thought it would be a bigger deal.
41:32Can I try...
41:33Yeah.
41:34...to make sense of it for myself?
41:35Because I can't make any sense of it.
41:37You've had a kind of proper terror of looking at yourself in the mirror...
41:42Yeah.
41:43...for years.
41:45But when you looked in the mirror, it was not a horror that you saw.
41:52You saw yourself.
41:54You looked like yourself.
41:56And in some ways, you looked ordinary.
42:01And so, it didn't match the fear that you had.
42:06But for me, what it tells me is...
42:10...your perception of yourself in that moment, looking at yourself in the mirror...
42:15...has been a major shift.
42:17Which is like...
42:20I don't think I'd have ever got there without this.
42:26We are wired as human beings to change.
42:30We are naturally adaptive.
42:32You can try whole versions of yourselves and discover the sky doesn't fall in...
42:37...and that actually you can be beautiful and smile...
42:41...and be the version of self that you want to be...
42:44...and then take that out into the world.
42:47Nice!
42:53What's our plan for the day then, Phil?
42:56Bit of shopping first. Retail therapy.
42:59What kind of shopping?
43:00Clothes shopping.
43:01Is it for anything?
43:02Potential date.
43:08Phil!
43:09Quite like that.
43:11Yeah, I could see you wearing that on a date.
43:13Yeah.
43:14I think any woman would be lucky to have you.
43:16Aw, thanks Omar.
43:17I'm not buying out.
43:18LAUGHTER
43:19Ooh!
43:20That was fun.
43:21Yeah, quite like that.
43:22Do you feel like your sessions with Julie have kind of helped with that relationship with the mirror?
43:28Yeah, definitely.
43:29Yeah, definitely.
43:30So far?
43:31Yeah.
43:32If I hadn't had the sessions, I would still avoid the mirror.
43:39I know they're not there, but it's not smacking me in the face like it used to.
43:45Yeah.
43:46And that's the difference, is that that derogatory voice is quieting down quite a lot.
43:51Yeah.
43:52While you look...
43:56Ready.
44:00Phil has knocked me sideways a little bit.
44:04He's gone from the lowest of the low, changed everything, and has the most incredible outlook.
44:12With like so much love and support to give other people, you just want someone to give it back to him.
44:20I've got a huge amount of hope for Phil.
44:22See you guys.
44:23Bye.
44:24Thanks everyone.
44:25See you later.
44:26There you go.
44:34It's a funny one, isn't it, when you get to, I suppose, the end of the process.
44:38Yeah.
44:39It's quite incredible what we've got to witness.
44:41Yeah.
44:42I feel kind of quite privileged to have been part of it, you know, in a small way.
44:47Yeah.
44:48And for people to be so open as to share that with an audience is such a vulnerable thing,
44:53isn't it?
44:54Yeah.
44:55It's that bravery to put that first step forward and put things into action when maybe you're
45:01absolutely terrified about what might happen.
45:04But actually running towards it is much more helpful than running away from it.
45:09Yeah.
45:10And considering we started this in the depth of winter as well, it's nice to see a little
45:14bit of spring.
45:15We can't just...
45:16Yeah.
45:17Yeah.
45:18We can't, yeah.
45:19Yeah.
45:20We can't.
45:21Yeah.
45:22We can't.
45:23Yeah.
45:24Yeah.