Change Your Mind Change Your Life S01E03
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00:00Therapy came into my life along with my husband.
00:04Shall I go? Sorry.
00:06All right, okay.
00:08I think Emma saw therapy as something I did.
00:11It's a fantastic thing for people that need it.
00:14I didn't think I needed it.
00:18Then lo and behold, first session.
00:22We could all do with some help at times.
00:24I might smile all the time, but I feel on the edge of a cliff.
00:28There are things in my life that I haven't told a soul.
00:32So, a team of Britain's leading therapists are opening the doors to their work.
00:36There are millions of people out there struggling.
00:39I hope we help people see that things can be better than they are today.
00:43Grab a seat on the couch.
00:45You're not stuck with the brain that you've got.
00:48These people have given us permission to share their story
00:51as they confront the problems in their lives.
00:54I'll wake up with dread in my stomach.
00:56I'll just feel unfixable.
00:58Is your mind ever quiet?
00:59No.
01:03Emma and I will be checking in on their progress along the way.
01:06I had quite a while of my life where I was dealing with panic.
01:10That gives me hope, though, to see.
01:12To see if therapy can help change their lives.
01:15Life hits you and that is utterly beyond our control.
01:19But how we respond can really make an enormous difference.
01:22That's a part of my whole thing.
01:24You had an aha moment, it sounded like that.
01:27You just blow my mind.
01:28We can all change.
01:30One of the ways that I like to think of myself is as a cleaner.
01:45I'm putting on my gloves, I'm rolling up my sleeves with you, and we're cleaning out our minds.
01:51We can be very afraid of approaching emotions that are negatively experienced,
01:56like sadness or anger or guilt.
01:58My job is to really help people move forward.
02:01Let's just go to the elephant in the room.
02:04I'm a driver's mate, working on, like, the big lorries and stuff.
02:13I'm the passenger princess, so my job is to put Britney Spears on and keep the driver awake.
02:20People see me as this outgoing person.
02:24You know, I'm always down for a laugh.
02:26And if my hair's right, I might post it on my Instagram.
02:29So where have you travelled from today?
02:31All the way from Essex.
02:32Wow.
02:33It's all my 80s music that kept me going.
02:35Oh, is it? Is that what you like to listen to?
02:36Yeah, yeah.
02:37Any favourite artists?
02:38You've anger boys.
02:40Never heard of them.
02:41Seriously?
02:42Come on.
02:43I want to convince people I'm living my best life, I'm doing this, I'm doing that.
02:47Nice to meet you.
02:48There you go.
02:48This one here, yeah?
02:49Yeah.
02:50But inside is a whole different story.
02:54Well, it feels at home here.
02:55It's very nice.
02:56Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it?
02:57Yeah.
02:59So, I'm pleased to meet you.
03:01And you.
03:02How is life generally?
03:06There's a few things in my life right now that I'm just not sure how to deal with, you know?
03:13Okay.
03:13See, I put out that I'm so happy, but I'm actually really, really sad.
03:19And it's starting to get too much.
03:21Yeah.
03:22You know, like some days I'll just lay in bed.
03:25I'll just sit there in my thoughts.
03:28And a few months ago, I got diagnosed with ADHD.
03:33Okay, gotcha.
03:35Like you could be talking to me about a car and I'll be looking over there thinking,
03:41I like ice cream.
03:42I'm such a mess and I can't seem to focus.
03:47You know when everything's such a jumble in your head.
03:48I can't remember the saying.
03:50It's like, you can't do the picture or something at the same light.
03:54Ben?
03:57Yeah.
03:57I'm going to bring you back.
03:59Okay.
04:00I can't deal with everything at once, you know?
04:02Yeah.
04:03Tell me a bit more about how you feel.
04:07Sometimes I just feel unfixable.
04:10You're like I'm broken.
04:12Yeah.
04:13I feel sad even saying that because I know how that feels to feel that way.
04:17And I really want to actually understand the sadness.
04:22So how do you see yourself?
04:24In my head, I think you'll never make it to where you want to be.
04:28You're useless.
04:29You know, you're never going to be anything.
04:31Give up, you know?
04:32I'm just stuck in that mindset.
04:34ADHD can make you overthink and be really repetitive.
04:38So if you're stuck in a negative repetitive cycle over something,
04:41it can be harder to get away from that than the average.
04:44Yeah.
04:44So I want to really think about tailoring the work to you.
04:48Right, okay.
04:49We're going to do a bit of learning about how our minds work.
04:52I wasn't expecting you to put a bus out.
04:55I want the element of surprise.
04:57Yeah.
04:58And then it will stick in your head.
04:59Yeah.
05:00Now, this bus represents your minds.
05:06Okay.
05:06You're the driver.
05:08The passengers represent your thoughts.
05:10They're like the demons in my head, pretty much.
05:11Exactly.
05:12We're all dealing with demons.
05:14Right, okay.
05:15And passengers on our bus that tell us things.
05:17I've named them all.
05:18Let's practice.
05:19Oh, already?
05:20Yeah.
05:21The one at the front.
05:22Yeah.
05:22Susan.
05:23Barbara.
05:23Yeah.
05:24Sebastian, Damien, Duncan.
05:26I like that.
05:27When they're being nasty to you, what do they say?
05:31Hate yourself.
05:32Yeah.
05:32You're not good enough.
05:33What else?
05:34A waste of achievement.
05:36All these things is how I feel.
05:37Yeah.
05:37So that's kind of how my head works.
05:39It's how most of our heads work.
05:41Yeah.
05:41But if you have ADHD, it's even worse.
05:44You often will feel like there's something wrong with you, you know?
05:48And that's how I've been over the years.
05:50But actually, it's not the truth.
05:54Yeah, my passengers might say negative things, but I am the driver of my bus.
06:00I don't have to listen to them.
06:02And me and you are going to learn how you can be better in control of your bus.
06:07With ADHD, there's difficulties with processing and focusing on things.
06:14But also on top of that, there's difficulties with self-esteem that often will come from
06:19you thought that there was something wrong with you in comparison to others.
06:23The more you drive your bus where you want it to go,
06:26the more the passengers will just have to sit and accept and our emotions calm down.
06:31Okay.
06:32It's really important to help people with ADHD understand that they are good enough.
06:38You're just human, and a lovely human at that.
06:40I haven't got to know you yet, but I can already tell, so...
06:44I appreciate it. Thank you.
06:45Yeah.
06:54Good morning. Can I have a black tea, please? Not too strong.
06:59Pete and I met in a local nightclub.
07:02He said that when he saw me, he said, I'm going to marry her.
07:06I didn't think that. I think I had my eye on somebody else, if I'm honest.
07:12Hi. Good morning.
07:13Good morning. How are you today?
07:14Not too bad, thank you.
07:16His humour was so funny.
07:19Pete and I laughed a lot in our marriage.
07:22Come through.
07:24Now I'd give anything to go back and have the life I had before.
07:29Lovely to meet you.
07:30And you.
07:31Welcome.
07:32I'm going to throw it over to you, really, and just kind of ask you, you know, kind of,
07:37what brings you here?
07:38Take it back, 17 months, and I had quite a charmed life.
07:46Pete and I, we had, like, a great relationship. Two amazing children, house, fabulous holidays,
07:53lots of friends and a really close family. In fact, a lot of people were probably envious of what we had.
07:58Sure.
07:58And then, out of the blue, everything in my life changed. One Thursday, Pete's gone to work,
08:12and then I heard the front door open, and I thought he was coming home. And it was the police.
08:23They told me that Pete had taken his life in work.
08:32I'm sorry, Joanna. I mean, it's unimaginable.
08:36He presented this man that was okay, happy, and obviously he wasn't.
08:45Yeah.
08:46How did I not know he wasn't well? I thought he loved life. I thought he loved me.
08:53I thought he loved the life we had and our children. How did he choose to leave us?
09:04I loved him from the day I met him, and I always will.
09:08Yeah, of course.
09:11But I'm so angry. I'm angry at what he's left behind.
09:15It's a very valid feeling.
09:21Yeah.
09:22Sometimes you might feel angry with him. It's what you've been left with.
09:27Yeah.
09:29And that doesn't mean it's wrong, because when you love someone and you care about someone,
09:33that means it's going to hurt.
09:35Yeah.
09:37And I'm so sorry that you've had to live through this.
09:42Where is it you feel that you struggle most in all of this?
09:45I feel guilty, because I don't know why he did it.
09:51There's no obvious signs.
09:53No.
09:53For the last 17 months, I played detective.
09:58Yeah.
10:00Pete had left me a note.
10:03That was full.
10:04Full of love.
10:05And it didn't help you make sense of any of it?
10:09No.
10:10He went through everything.
10:12The laptop.
10:14He went through all his emails.
10:16Was he ill?
10:18Peach slippers are still in the kitchen where he left them that morning.
10:21If he's left, no one was going to end his life.
10:23Why he left those neat and tidy.
10:27I just haven't got any answers to why he did it.
10:29Yeah.
10:33I know how much you're suffering, and I know how hard it is to carry this.
10:37But what if the answers aren't there?
10:44You're kind of looking for ways to perhaps look for blame, or could I have known?
10:49Should I have known?
10:50The interrogation is of self.
10:54It's 17 months since Pete died.
10:57Do you know, I feel like I've navigated all of this grief, and I've got back up.
11:04But I'm not knowing why he did it.
11:07It has floored me.
11:11Grief has to happen.
11:13There's no avoiding grief.
11:16But I noticed you said, oh, I've already grieved.
11:20I'm not sure you have.
11:22You love someone, you lost someone, and you've been left in a lot of pain.
11:33There are always going to be these complex feelings, unanswered questions.
11:38That's the reality.
11:39Yeah.
11:40But in trying to piece it together, the grief doesn't get time to breathe.
11:46Yeah.
11:48This is going to sound odd, but what if the grief is the way through?
11:54With trauma, the brain will go into overdrive trying to patch together what may have happened.
12:00And of course, there often isn't any sense to what happened.
12:05So people often can get stuck.
12:08Brain will just create story after story after story.
12:11So it's my job to change that pattern.
12:14To maybe help people see that things can be better than they are today.
12:17That there is hope.
12:19Allow yourself to look forward.
12:23And I sincerely hope I can be part of helping you find that way through.
12:27And the peacefulness that you're looking for.
12:36The majority of us will experience difficulty in our lives.
12:41But three quarters of people say opening up to a professional made them feel happier.
12:49Most clients will tell me things they have never told anybody in their life before.
12:54There's a lot of figuring out that needs to happen.
12:58What is really going on?
12:59What am I really telling myself?
13:00What do I really need?
13:02And my job is to get them to look at what they don't want to look at.
13:07Hello, Sarah.
13:08Hello.
13:09Lovely to meet you.
13:10Hiya, nice to meet you too.
13:11Come with me.
13:11Okay.
13:14Do come and sit.
13:16Sarah's travelled from Newcastle for her first session with Julia.
13:20I've got a tissue in the room.
13:23I've got a runny nose.
13:24Some of the after effects of chemo aren't what you expect.
13:28And yeah.
13:30So tell me what's the issue that you're grappling with.
13:35I finished chemotherapy six months ago.
13:38Well done.
13:40I had breast cancer.
13:41I'm actually cancer free now.
13:43But it was 18 months and it was a hard 18 months physically, mentally.
13:49My children, my parents had to watch me say some silly things at times.
13:56Like my dad at the end of my bed rubbing my feet when I'm going,
13:59I don't want to be here anymore.
14:00The kids would be better off without me.
14:02That sort of stuff.
14:03You've got that low.
14:04Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:05More than once.
14:06Oh yeah, yeah.
14:07Yeah.
14:08You've really been through something so excruciatingly painful.
14:12We all have.
14:13That's my instant thing is what we all have.
14:15It's a family illness.
14:16Mm.
14:17I just can't rid this guilt that I feel like deep down that I've put them through,
14:23which I can't bear.
14:24I think one of the things that you're grappling with is that I made my children suffer.
14:32Yeah, I'm a mum of four and it's all I ever wanted to be was a mum.
14:39The last thing we want to do is put your children under stress.
14:43I still feel this tug on my back going, your kids are suffering.
14:47You've put your parents through hell and they should be enjoying their retirement.
14:52We're born, all of us, with guilt to have a social conscience so that we don't harm others,
14:59inflict pain, but often guilt is something that we turn against ourselves.
15:06The feeling of guilt you have conflated with the fact of guilt because this isn't your doing.
15:13No.
15:14Does that make sense?
15:15Yeah.
15:15It is possible to move forward.
15:19The term I like is your new you.
15:24Okay.
15:26You don't like that?
15:26It's in all the videos.
15:29They ask you to watch the new you and I'm like, I want the old me back.
15:33I don't want to be a new person.
15:34I was all right back then.
15:36I thought anyway.
15:37You can ignore that term.
15:38I'll put it down.
15:39We're not going to use it.
15:40Okay.
15:41Is there an image of the future you that you kind of want to work towards?
15:47Someone that can laugh again.
15:49That's what I want to see in the future, like being out with the girls and dancing.
15:54Great.
15:54You've really got the moves.
15:56Yeah.
15:56Yeah.
15:56Just someone that's hair's flowing.
16:00They've got a bounce in their step.
16:01They're happy.
16:03But also my biggest thing is leaving the guilt behind and helping my children go through it.
16:10I'm with you on that, that you need to process the guilt.
16:14How about you picture a compassionate version of yourself.
16:19Can you write a letter from that place to the part of you that feels guilt?
16:24Okay.
16:26Anybody that is diagnosed with an illness is likely to feel they in their role as parent
16:33or partner are failing. And that failure can feel like guilt. I think the guilt we can really
16:42really...
16:43Yeah.
16:44I want to swear.
16:45No, I think that would be good.
16:47There's a kind of tyranny of recovery. There's this expectation you just get back to who you were
16:53before and that never happens. A significant illness will have a significant impact on who you are now and who you are in your future.
17:03I don't think that's why I take a hat everywhere I go.
17:18Yeah?
17:18Literally.
17:20I want to get to know you a bit better.
17:22Okay.
17:23So, if I say to you, Ben, what was school like?
17:28I don't really think back to my past.
17:31Like, I don't think about my childhood. I don't think about anything like this.
17:36It is hard, but I'm trying to understand that kid at school.
17:42Yeah, it's just weird for me because I don't...
17:43I know.
17:44I don't talk about this, so I'm...
17:45I know. Just sit with me.
17:47I was always, like, isolated and stuff. I was always in trouble. I was always on
17:56the report card and then my behaviour got worse and then I was on a different colour report,
18:00which means, like, it escalates.
18:02Do you remember why you'd get into trouble?
18:05I struggled with the most simple things. There would be a teacher explaining it on the board,
18:11but I wouldn't understand it. Everyone would get it. And I'm always the one thinking,
18:16what? But I'd be worried to ask a question because I'd get angry, like, and it kind of,
18:23like, set me off. I'd have an outburst of anger. Do you know what I mean? So, it's...
18:29It was a bit of a struggle through school. I literally was a nobody in my own head.
18:35Your ADHD diagnosis didn't come until pretty much recently, right?
18:40Yeah. So, in school, it was just you're a troublemaker.
18:43There wasn't no understanding around it in terms of mental health. What a difficult thing for a kid.
18:50If I put myself in your shoes, I feel like, often, I'm just being treated as if I'm stupid
18:56and I don't want to be stupid. So, instead of that, I'm just going to act out and be the troublemaker.
19:02I don't want to be the stupid one. And I just... I really feel for him. And I want him to understand
19:09that it's not his fault. Yeah. Now I'm going to ask you to practice something that's going to be really
19:15hard. Yeah. But I know you'll give it a shot. Can you dig out the photo for me, please?
19:22One of my favourite exercises is to bring in a photo of themselves, usually as a child.
19:29I don't know what I was so happy about in that one. Like, how did a happy kid like that grow up
19:34to hate yourself? That's what we're trying to work out.
19:37As a child, if you tell me I'm stupid, it must be because I'm stupid. It's the truth.
19:45And then they grow up to be someone that has an internal voice that calls them stupid.
19:51You're going to talk to him and give him a bit of compassion.
19:57Okay.
19:59We're not very good at being compassionate to ourselves. I think that's really important for
20:04all of us to keep doing that. Repeat after me. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ben.
20:10I want you to know... I want you to know... That I see how hard it was for you.
20:16That I see how hard it was for you. Keep going. You know better than me how he felt growing up.
20:24I prefer hearing it from you. Just try. And then I'll jump in, but just try.
20:29I know I've been swimming in like... Was it a pool of emotions? Yeah.
20:36And like growing up without any understanding or... So tell him. I know you grew up without any
20:42understanding. I'm telling you both. Tell him. I'm multitasking. Tell him. Try to forget me and tell him.
20:48So, obviously growing up has been hard. I do have care towards you. And especially
21:07growing up all them years without knowledge of how to deal with things. And I've battled it all alone as well.
21:15That's what I wanted to say. Well done. Thanks. That's making me nervous. I don't know why.
21:25It really hits different. Like, my stomach was doing backflips.
21:30I'm not going to lie. It's been fucking hard today. I know.
21:33It's just mad when you look at yourself thinking back. People always say it's from growing up,
21:41from being a kid. But I never listened. I just felt like it was all bullshit. It's now and how I feel
21:47now is what the problem is. Not from when I was a kid. But you've just completely opened my eyes. And
21:56it's actually quite crazy. You're quite powerful in that sense. Because no one's ever made me realise
22:01that before. You've done the work today. But you've made me realise. Yeah. And then you did the work.
22:15The most important thing that someone needs to work out is how do you speak to yourself more
22:20compassionately? All of us have a negative ticker tape in our head. I call it the shitty committee.
22:30When you ask yourself, would you say that to anybody on the planet? You recognise how brutal
22:36and cruel your being to yourself. Your whole relationship with yourself changes.
22:46Sarah's back for her second session with Julia. Julia is ready for you in room three.
22:52Thank you. See you in a bit. Okay.
22:55She's brought the letter she's written to help her work through her feelings of guilt.
22:59Hello there. How are you doing? What's happened from last week?
23:03Um, so this is what I'd written. My bit of compassion for me. Yes.
23:10Telling me, don't beat yourself up so much. You're loved. Okay.
23:18I want you to know that I understand what you have been through. I see your face in the mirror,
23:23and I feel your worries radiating from its reflection. I see you.
23:27You're smothered in guilt. The stress I'm putting my parents through. The pain in their eyes.
23:35They should not have to deal with a sick daughter at this time in their lives.
23:40My children, my proudest achievements. I want to continuously say I'm sorry.
23:45I cannot bear the pain I'm putting you through.
23:47Rid yourself of the weight that is guilt. It does not belong in your life or in your future.
23:58Wave it goodbye with the middle finger that it deserves. Nobody wants it here.
24:03That's beautiful and powerful. Would you read that to your kids, to your parents?
24:15Um, I think it would upset them.
24:17Often the wall we build in protecting others is a wall that separates us. And that when they
24:26hear you saying this to yourself, that's a bridge between you that is connecting
24:33with absolute honesty and emotional truth. Okay.
24:38The single biggest influence on our capacity to deal with great tragedies, great losses,
24:43difficult diagnosis is our capacity to be in connection and relationship with the important
24:48people in our lives. Yeah. I've got to be honest with myself as well as others. Yeah.
24:56Families that have open and honest communication have less anxiety and less depression.
25:01I'll take that home with me and have a think. Have a think. Yeah.
25:05We don't want to be talking about what we feel every minute of the day, but I think we need to create
25:10times that everybody in the family can say how they feel. You can be sad, you can be angry,
25:17and then you can just be ordinary again.
25:32I'm heading to meet Ben, who is halfway through his therapy sessions with Fatoumata.
25:36He had a recent ADHD diagnosis and I got diagnosed with ADHD and everything started to make sense.
25:47When we feel different than other people, we can really turn that into a massive negative.
25:55So I can't wait to chat to Ben. I'm really intrigued to see how he's been getting on.
25:59I mean, he's definitely not here.
26:18Hi. How you doing? Hello. Almost perfect timing.
26:22I need to get a better driveway.
26:24How you doing? Good, mate. Good. Nice to meet you, mate.
26:26How you doing? You all right, Ben? Yeah, not too bad, mate.
26:28Good. This is a bit special, isn't it? That's my wife, Patricia, in the passenger seat.
26:32Is that Patricia? That's Patricia, yeah. She's not in a good mood today.
26:35Shall we head in? Let's do it. After me.
26:38Right, mind the stairs, because they're a bit steep.
26:41OK. Coffee, tea?
26:43Um, I'd love a coffee if you're making one. Yeah? Yeah? Coffee.
26:46No sugar, please. Yeah. Milk, if you've got it.
26:48Oh, lovely. Cheers. There you are, mate.
26:53Has it all been going? I've only just found out that I have ADHD,
26:57and I read through, like, some school reports that I have.
26:59This answers a lot of questions.
27:01Fuck, tell me I'm getting old. Absolutely, mate.
27:04Once you get to my age. The book of my life.
27:08So what is this, mate? I've got things like my year 11 reports from teachers, grades,
27:13all of this stuff. Is that you?
27:15Wow. I'm just going to skip that. It's a nice picture, mate. It's nice.
27:19Look at you, handsome bastard. Look. That is a solid quiff. It is.
27:22It's a hair strainer quiff, that is. I was the quiff boy in school.
27:25Yeah. So these are your targets. What do I need to do?
27:28Improved behaviour and lessons. Sit. Yes. Yes.
27:32It gets worse on the back. Yeah.
27:35Which exams went better than you thought? None of them. None of them. Right.
27:39Like, saying negative, all of these. Yeah.
27:41So when you're reading that back, you're like, yeah, they're right.
27:43That's who I am. But it's just crazy, Sally, what you mean?
27:46You know exactly what I mean, don't you? Exactly what you mean, mate.
27:48Yeah. I mean, my school reports were very similar to this.
27:51Do you have any as well? Yeah, I got diagnosed in 2001.
27:56I always had this feeling that I was really stupid, you know?
28:00And that I had proof about it, which was this. Yeah.
28:03I never felt good enough. And I got used to hating myself.
28:06Yeah. And I'd always think the worst of myself.
28:09And that's just become such a normality now, you know?
28:13Mm-hmm. So did eventually you just tap out?
28:16It's like, it's not for me. I just gave up and I became this person
28:20that no-one can see or hear, you know? Yeah.
28:23You don't deserve that, mate. No-one deserves to live like that.
28:26That's a horrible place to be, you know? And I know that place and it fucking sucks.
28:31To break out of that cycle of self-hatred is really tough.
28:36Yeah. But I think the most recent therapy I've done,
28:40same clicked in my mind. I had my baby photo in front of me and I was just telling myself that
28:45you are enough, you are good enough, and she kept telling me to say good things about myself.
28:48That's stuck with me the most. Getting that first step of help has already been a massive
28:53weight off my shoulders, you know? Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I mean, the hard work will pay off.
28:58It will. I want to be the person that I've always wanted to be. Yeah, man.
29:01Happy for one. Yeah. Yeah.
29:04I do feel like there's hope. Yeah.
29:10Meeting people who are in therapy, such an amazing experience to see people going through it and
29:17having these breakthroughs. Like, Ben, he's at a point now where he can really turn a corner,
29:26I think. I see me in him. Like, we were looking through school reports, right?
29:32And it was like reading mine. You've been those quickly.
29:35I've been those quickly, you know? But like, it was like just that feeling of less than,
29:39you know, that feeling of, you know, everything you've been told is negative and awful.
29:46And that's what you think of yourself.
29:49He's become someone else's version of himself.
29:51Absolutely. And I hear him and I'm like,
29:54mate, I know exactly where you are. I've been there. And I promise you, it's, um,
30:02you know, it's, um, it's worth it. And you're worth it. And I don't know if he can see it yet,
30:10you know, but he, he, I'm pretty sure if he keeps going, he will, you know,
30:14I see opportunity for him. I hope he grabs it.
30:34Nice to see you again. Nice to see you. How have you been?
30:37Yeah, it's been, um, a mixed week. Okay.
30:41I feel like I've lived as if I'm a Netflix detective drama,
30:45one you shouldn't watch because it's awful. Your brain is trying to work very hard,
30:51looking for the explanation around the loss of Pete. And that's kind of what it feels it should
30:57be doing. The enormity of the loss is so big that it just feels almost like it's got to try and find
31:04a solution. But what you and I are going to be doing is we're going to be moving this in a different
31:09direction. That sounds good. Because my belief is that we need to enable you to actually move
31:14into grief. Yeah. So that you can find your way through. How, how does that sound to you?
31:19That makes a lot of sense because I am stuck. Yeah. I'm glad you said that and I'm glad you've
31:24recognised that. I want to be alongside you in this, Jo. I don't want you to run from this.
31:30I am running from it. I know. Because it hurts so much. Jo, look, look, look where your hand is.
31:42My heart's broken. Of course, your heart's broken. Of course it hurts. And it has to.
31:47I just kind of want you to be able to give yourself permission to grieve. Do me a favour,
31:58the cushion beside you. Can you just hand it over to me? And this might sound or feel like a really
32:04odd thing to do, but I want you to imagine that this is a representation of the pain that you're
32:10carrying and the awfulness of everything that's happened. This is a very real part of your story
32:15at the moment. Yeah. Now, what do you think might happen if I said, okay, we've got this pain and
32:20it's here and it needs to be looked after. If I said to you, okay, I'm going to hand this to you
32:27and this is this part of you. How do you think you're handling that part of you?
32:32Straight away, I want to give it a hug. Okay.
32:39I need to love this part. I think you do.
32:42I need to be kinder to it and befriend it. But what's the reality at the moment?
32:49I'm not. I'm sending it away. I think you are.
32:54I'm sending it away. And what I'm watching you doing, I'm watching you wanting to push it on,
33:01to fast forward. I'm watching you abandoning this part of you.
33:06Yeah. You're so right, I am.
33:10I think in the moments when you're analysing and you're playing detective and you're looking for
33:17answers, it almost might become an escapism from having to go here.
33:25Now, someone else might go a different route. Someone else might hit the bottle or use drugs or,
33:29you know. I haven't used chocolate. Chocolate. You know, the distractions come in many shapes
33:36or forms because when we're in that sort of investigative mode, even though it's not comfortable,
33:43it's a hell of a sight more comfortable than feeling that level of pain.
33:48Yeah. And I see it all the time. I've seen people in your situation 20, 30, 40 years later.
33:55God. No, and I say that because I think it's important. I see them go over and over and over.
34:03And I don't think you want that for your life. And I don't think you deserve that for your life.
34:07I don't. Hearing that, thinking about somebody being stuck in that cycle for so long,
34:12it frightens me. But you're here. And I'll tell you something, sometimes if I, you know, if I hand
34:20that pillow to someone else, they won't even take it. Oh, wow. I've seen people throw it to the other
34:28end of the room. I've seen people trample on it. I've seen people spit on it. Oh, wow. So the fact
34:35that you immediately, you took the cushion and brought it to you, tells me something powerful
34:41about the fact that you are capable and you're, you're willing and there is a desire to look after
34:47this part of you. Yeah. And that for me is hopeful. Oh, that feels good. That's really hopeful.
34:54And I know you can do it. Yeah. I think you've done brilliantly. Thank you. And the permission
35:02to be around that hurt and to give it space to breathe is going to be your way through.
35:06Thank you. If you can make this happen, try as much as possible to do that this week.
35:13I already feel it's something that's shifted in the awareness coming about this. Yeah.
35:21It feels good to think I'm going in the right direction. You are.
35:32I sent mum and dad the, what I'd written. Oh, wow. Yeah. I've shown it to my two daughters.
35:41They said it was lovely. Mum was just, oh, it's beautiful. And there's actually no,
35:46no need for the guilt. It's what we all do for our children. And you do the same for all four of yours.
35:52Dad just said, you've done amazing. I'm very,
35:55very proud of you and I love you very much. And it was lovely to hear him say that. It's yeah.
36:00Yeah. It was nice to hear. Putting words on the page really make a difference. Yeah.
36:07Going forward to the new me. Yeah.
36:12Yeah. Sarah. Yeah. The new me. She'll be all right.
36:15I know she'll be all right. She'll be dancing. Yeah.
36:19I can hear that. It's like you're surprising yourself. Yeah. By how confident you feel. Yeah,
36:24there has been a change. And I am shocked. I am really shocked. But it's a good shock. It's good to,
36:30to feel like you can breathe a bit again. I feel like the me now is in the making. I feel like,
36:39I think she's going to be great. She is. I think she's going to be absolutely great.
36:43She's great now, by the way. Oh, thank you.
36:45Thank you. When we want to protect people around us, we often make assumptions of what other people
36:54will find difficult. But we're born relational. We need other people and other people need us.
37:01So, when you can be honest about what your needs are, it's a relief to other people. And there's a
37:08two-way win. I've realised there is a new me. And I vowed I would never ever say that. I vowed it to
37:22everyone. I'm sick of hearing it. I don't want to be a new me. But here I am sitting here saying,
37:29there is going to be a new me.
37:37I see you have a better hair day today.
37:41Kind of. Just a lot of blow drying.
37:43Like the rest of us. Yeah? Yeah.
37:46Your homework was to practice self-care. You know, really start like nurturing yourself.
37:52How's that going for you?
37:56I have had bad days. And I know it's going to take a long time for me to heal properly. But that picture
38:02that we done last week of me as a baby, that triggered me in the best way. Because every day
38:08I wake up, I write a note on a sticky pad. Like, you are enough. You're loved, appreciated. Do all you
38:15can to fight to get to where you want to be. You know? Do this boy proud.
38:19It's beautiful.
38:20Yeah. From this moment onwards, I'm going to do the best for him.
38:24I love that. I'm glad that you are starting to feel compassion for yourself. But at the same time,
38:34I see you taking responsibility for your life. And it's about how can you harness that and move
38:41past yourself? You know? You know, I'm really excited for you.
38:46It's just crazy, isn't it? How certain little things can just click and change. From where I've
38:51come, I think it's a massive thing. Because I never thought it was possible. Ever. You know?
38:57Well, you know, you gave that to yourself. So massive, you know, what you're doing.
39:01All right, Ben. Well, take the chair.
39:03It's been emotional. Yeah.
39:04It's been emotional.
39:05I understand my life a lot better now. I was always so fearful and talking to someone
39:12about these things. And I've done it. I think it's that baby photo that done it for me. That's
39:17like a good curse, you know? But every time I look at that photo now, I'm doing it for him.
39:23I think I've got everything in I. Yeah, I love that pillow, by the way. It's a bit random.
39:27Fist bump? All right. Yeah, sure. Cool.
39:30OK. It's going to take some time to work on, but I'm confident that it's going to get there.
39:36I'm proud of myself for making that step, you know?
39:46Welcome back. How have you been?
39:48Since our last session. My dreams are significantly reduced. I've only dreamt of Pete twice.
39:56OK. And before that, when you wake up from the dream, would it be that same sense of angst and
40:01questions? Yeah.
40:02Even when we're asleep, the brain can try and play detective because that's the unconscious mind.
40:07Yeah. Trying to make sense of what's happening. So it's kind of really encouraging to hear.
40:12I've just felt calmer. What do you think's making that difference?
40:17I think putting the stick down that I've been hitting myself with since Pete died, that
40:27I should have done something different. I could have done something different. How did I not know?
40:33You know. I'm recognising that actually none of this was my fault.
40:40No, it wasn't, Jo. None of it was your fault.
40:43And that's huge. You know. That's freed so much.
40:49I want you to say that again. I literally want you to put your hands in your tummy.
40:54And I want you to say that again. That this wasn't my fault.
41:01I recognise this wasn't my fault, which I've been carrying so much guilt for so long.
41:10Yeah. And that's so freeing to let that go. Yeah.
41:15You're kind of giving yourself permission not to investigate.
41:18Yeah.
41:19You're not giving yourself as tough a time as you were.
41:21I don't think I am. You know. That must feel good.
41:25It does. And I don't want to be stuck there. And I think from this, I realise I don't have to.
41:34Peach slippers are still in the kitchen where he left them that morning.
41:39And every time I see them, they're a constant trigger to the detective, Jo.
41:45OK. So I'm going to go home. I'm going to move the slippers. OK.
41:56How I see it is that the decision to move the slippers is an act of care for yourself.
42:02And that's what I haven't been doing.
42:05It's not like the slippers are creating more memories,
42:08or they're bringing comfort or support. Actually, they're doing the opposite.
42:12Yeah, they are.
42:15When they go home, the slippers are going in his wardrobe.
42:18This is what all of this work is about. You are having to start to rearrange.
42:22Yeah. And actually reclaim peace. Yeah.
42:26And some moments of joy in your life.
42:29At the weekend, I was laughing. I was laughing with a friend, laughing so much that it hurt.
42:36I think the biggest thing I've got now is hope.
42:42I'm actually feeling quite warm inside, thinking of a more hopeful future.
42:50What do you think today Pete might say to you?
42:54Life's a living. Because he was always so supportive of me,
42:58and he always believed I had so much to give.
43:01But, you know, maybe that's something to hold on to in the more difficult or the more challenging moments.
43:06Yeah.
43:07I'm incredibly proud of the work that you've done.
43:09And I mean that sincerely.
43:14Pete's never going to be out my mind or my heart.
43:16Oh, God, he's amazing.
43:17But I'm entitled to have a life going forward without paying.
43:23It's almost like Owen's put new glasses on me to be able to see a future.
43:29And for that, I'm really, really, really thankful.