Frasier Season 3 Episode 1 She's The Boss
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00:00Come on in! Come on! It's all over!
00:05You won't mess with you! Are you nuts? That was a Doberman!
00:11Oh dear, what happened?
00:13Oh, get the first aid, kid. Eddie got into a fight.
00:17We were on the elevator with that Doberman from upstairs.
00:21Eddie took a perfectly innocent sniff and wham!
00:25What's all this?
00:29Eddie was viciously attacked.
00:31Oh, is that coffee cake I smelled?
00:37Well, now that I look at it, it's just a scratch.
00:41But I probably should take him to the vets anyway.
00:44What are you doing up so early?
00:46Oh, the new station manager is taking over today. She wanted to meet with all of us.
00:51She? Oh, working for a woman, huh?
00:55Yes, what?
00:56Well, it's tough on guys taking orders from a woman.
01:01We resent it.
01:02That's absurd.
01:04I have trouble taking orders from a woman afraid it would never have been conceived.
01:07My brothers couldn't stop taking orders from me.
01:15I was forever telling them, Billy, clean your room.
01:17Reginald, get your elbow out of the gravy.
01:20Nigel, take that thing back to the hospital.
01:23The whole house is full of flies.
01:24Morning, Niles.
01:29Hello, Frasier.
01:30Dad.
01:31Daphne.
01:32I can't stay.
01:33I just wanted to ask a favor.
01:34Dad, can I borrow your gun?
01:39Maris taking singing lessons again?
01:41No.
01:43Our home security system is down for repairs.
01:47With no electric gates, I'll just feel safer if I'm packing heat.
01:50Oh, for heaven's sake.
01:52Niles, you don't even know how to pack a lunch.
01:57Dad, please.
01:58Maris is a wreck.
01:59Ever since she found out, our entire neighborhood watch is wintering in Palm Beach.
02:03Forget it.
02:04You don't know the first thing about guns.
02:06I do so.
02:08I promise I'll open the spinny thing and check for bullets before I shoot anybody.
02:13Actually, Dr. Crane, your father's gun isn't a revolver.
02:16It's a Colt .45 ACP with a single-stack magazine.
02:23Oh, when I first came to America, I worked at a convenience store.
02:29Dad, please.
02:31No, I don't believe in civilians having guns.
02:34This isn't fair.
02:35Maris' mother gave her a gun.
02:36Well, then Maris' mother can clean up the mess after she accidentally blows your brains out.
02:43Dad, now you're talking nonsense.
02:45Maris' mother has never cleaned anything in her life.
02:56It stinks!
02:57This is total BS!
02:59I can't work for a chick.
03:01They're out of control.
03:02They are completely ruled by their hormones.
03:04Huh!
03:05Huh!
03:05It'll never work.
03:10All right, all right.
03:11Listen up, everyone.
03:12I've been working the office great fine.
03:13I got the scoop on the new boss.
03:15Is she going to fire me?
03:16Hey, first things first.
03:18Is she baggable?
03:19Forget it, bulldog.
03:23She'd have you for breakfast.
03:24Right.
03:25Like I ever stick around that long.
03:29Anyway, the word is that she's like this psycho perfectionist.
03:33Everyone at her last station was scared to death of her.
03:36She's kind of becoming my idol.
03:38Hey, what if she hates sports?
03:40I need this job.
03:41I just promised my mom a new pacemaker.
03:45What?
03:45Think I could get her to believe I said pasta maker?
03:52Now, look, there's no reason for us to give in to our insecurities.
03:55We all do good, solid shows.
03:58We hardly even know this woman.
03:59Already we're painting her as a heartless Medusa.
04:07She said my ratings are down.
04:11She said I'm not hip.
04:15Father Mike, are you all right?
04:17The little thug fired me.
04:23I'm so sorry.
04:24Did she say anything else?
04:27She said send in Frazier.
04:35Listen, tell the movers I want the couch directly in front of the bookcase.
04:42Uh-huh.
04:43Oh, have a seat.
04:45Uh-huh.
04:47Yeah.
04:49Yeah.
04:51No, not there.
04:53In front of the bookcase.
04:56Yeah.
04:58Yeah.
04:59No, look, look.
05:01I've got somebody here.
05:04Could we move the furniture later?
05:07Could we do that?
05:09Yes.
05:11Dr. Fraser Crane.
05:14Kate Costas.
05:15Kate, what a pleasure.
05:16Likewise, I've been listening to the tapes of all your shows.
05:20I love what you're doing.
05:23Really?
05:24Well, thank you very much.
05:27I like to think of my show as a haven for the tempest tossed and the maelstrom of everyday life.
05:33Wow.
05:35You really talk that way.
05:39Anyway, your ratings are very good, but I still think we can do better.
05:45Any ideas?
05:46How to improve my show?
05:54Uh, it's a tall order, huh?
05:58Uh, oh, well, you know, I was thinking of playing classical music before my intros.
06:03Let's say, perhaps, uh, Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra in D minor.
06:08It's too highbrow.
06:09I mean, I love classical music, but to most people it's a big snore.
06:14Oh.
06:14Incidentally, Bartok's Concerto is in C.
06:19Are you sure?
06:20Positive.
06:21I put myself through college working at a classical station.
06:24Let's talk about advertising.
06:26Hmm?
06:27You've got a great face.
06:29Oh.
06:29I want to see it on T-shirts.
06:31I want to see it on park benches.
06:32I even want to see it on Frisbees.
06:34Everybody in Seattle should be tossing it, wearing it, sitting on it.
06:44Wonderful.
06:46You know, I hate to nitpick, but I'm certain that concertos, indeed.
06:51I was a music minor at Harvard.
06:53No, it's in C.
06:55It was commissioned by Serge Kusevitsky in 1943 for the Boston Symphony Orchestra,
07:00and since then it's been recorded over 30 times.
07:03Which time?
07:04In C.
07:09Oh, maybe you're right.
07:11Maybe I'm right.
07:14Also, I think you should start doing theme shows.
07:18Devote a whole show to people having extramarital affairs,
07:22or devote a whole show to people with aberrant sexual practices.
07:27Could you just give me a hand with that box over there?
07:29Of course.
07:30Of course.
07:34Kate.
07:37You know, that advertising thing.
07:39It's a very good idea.
07:42That, um...
07:44This theme shows...
07:46It's a less good idea.
07:49You might even say a worse idea.
07:51Why is that?
07:54Well, uh...
07:55I am, uh...
07:56A doctor.
07:57And, uh...
07:58I'd hate to have the serious work I do be tainted by commercialism.
08:02But you don't mind the frisbees.
08:04Well, I don't want to be entirely uncooperative.
08:09You know, it's...
08:10Uh...
08:12It's just that...
08:12Well, you know, I've been in the radio game for some time now,
08:15and I think I've learned enough about, uh...
08:18Broadcasting, as they say, to...
08:21To know what it is that...
08:22Makes my...
08:25Show a...
08:26A good show.
08:27My God, you've won six Golden Mike Awards.
08:30Aren't you sweet to know this?
08:35Finally, I would like you to start giving priority to the juicier calls.
08:39But that's called pandering.
08:42And that is called a Peabody Award.
08:48Well, what...
08:49What exactly do you expect me to do?
08:52Say to a caller,
08:53Listen, Bob, I'm sorry you lost your job,
08:54but unemployment's a snore.
08:56Why don't you go sleep with your best friend's wife
08:57and call in on Monday one of the infidelity day
09:00on the Fraser Crane show?
09:03I really know what I'm doing here.
09:06The psychiatrist at my last station went national.
09:10Well, you know, I'd rather stay local
09:12if going national means
09:13sucking at the sump pump of sensationalism.
09:17Well,
09:18I'm the boss, Doc.
09:20So, pucker up.
09:23Listen, lady, I'm not changing my show.
09:26Unless you're willing to explain to the owners
09:28why you fired one of your highest-rated hosts,
09:31well, then there's nothing you can do about it, is there?
09:33Well, we're coming up on 3 a.m.
09:45Ross is our next caller.
09:47Who cares?
09:48Who cares?
09:59I've got to disagree with your last two callers.
10:02I'm in the same line of work,
10:04and I think what we do is very important.
10:06People depend on us.
10:08I've got to go, Doc.
10:09It's time to powder the jelly donuts.
10:11Well, I hate to cut short
10:22this enthralling symposium,
10:25but perhaps we could hear
10:28from some non-bakers for a change.
10:33Wrap it up, will you?
10:34We're finally done.
10:36Oh, thank God.
10:37Stay tuned for the news, weather, and sports.
10:39This is Dr. Fraser Crane, yada, yada, yada.
10:42Bye.
10:45We really stunk up the airwaves with that one, didn't we?
10:49Fraser, I want you to flash forward to tonight.
10:54It's sometime after midnight.
10:56Dennis Abbott and I have just had a glorious meal
10:59at Le Raleigh.
11:00Dennis has just asked me back
11:02to his penthouse apartment
11:03to see his priceless collection of silk sheets.
11:07And I lean over and whisper,
11:10I can't.
11:12I have to go to work in an hour.
11:15What is wrong with this picture?
11:19Well, for starters, you at Le Raleigh.
11:23It's a two-week wait.
11:24So is Dennis Abbott.
11:25Fraser, we have got to get our old time slot back.
11:32Don't worry, Roz, we will.
11:33She just moved us to break our spirit.
11:36Well, she can saddle me up,
11:37ride me around the coffee room.
11:40I can't do this again.
11:43Good morning.
11:44Oh, hello.
11:46Enjoying your new time slot?
11:49As a matter of fact, I found it invigorating.
11:51Didn't you, Roz?
11:52Remember that woman who called in,
11:54you know, with the delusions of grandeur.
11:58Couldn't understand why nobody liked her.
12:05Well, I hope you explain to her
12:07that it's not important that people like her.
12:10As long as they respect her.
12:13Oh, yes.
12:13Respect is important.
12:14So is self-respect.
12:16Oh, yes, yes.
12:17But some people, and this is so unfortunate,
12:20can't tell the difference between self-respect and pig-headedness.
12:24Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues
12:27who don't know the difference between the kind of respect
12:29that is earned and the kind of respect
12:32that is irrespective of what others expect.
12:37Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences?
12:46I think I made myself clear.
12:49Well, I really do have work to do.
12:52I've got to find somebody for your old time slot.
12:55Now that it's free.
12:57Good luck!
13:00Nice going, Fraser.
13:02Now she's never going to give in.
13:04Steady, Roz.
13:04She may have been able to intimidate people at other stations,
13:07but here at KACL she'll find
13:09that we are not a bunch of spineless twits.
13:13Hey!
13:15Is she gone?
13:23If you don't want this bacon,
13:25I'm giving it to Eddie.
13:26You know that bacon's not good for him.
13:29Eddie!
13:29Hey, Eddie!
13:30Come here, boy!
13:30And can't we take that stupid thing off him?
13:42No.
13:42The vet said if he scratches the scabs,
13:45they'll never heal.
13:46And I have noticed,
13:47if you sit him next to the telly,
13:49Channel 5 films in a lot clearer.
13:51Look at him.
13:56He's humiliated.
14:00Yeah, well, it doesn't help
14:01that that bully upstairs keeps rubbing it in.
14:05You tell him, boy!
14:08Overcoat's sake.
14:10I am trying to get some sleep.
14:12I asked you to keep that dog quiet
14:15and instead you outfit him
14:16with a megaphone.
14:27In the last 36 hours,
14:30I haven't had so much as a nap
14:31and I've got to be back at the station
14:33by 2 a.m.
14:35Eddie,
14:36listen carefully.
14:37By the time this day is up,
14:42one of us is going to sleep.
14:47Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane.
14:49I'll take Eddie for a walk.
14:51And as far as your problem at work goes,
14:53if you want my opinion...
14:55Don't!
14:57I've had my share of women's opinions
14:59for the week
14:59between the station's new Reich's Chancellor
15:03and Ros's incessant whining.
15:04As far as I'm concerned,
15:07your entire sex
15:09can put a sock in it.
15:13Boy, you never let me get away
15:14with a comment like that.
15:16Oh, even the best of us
15:18can get a bit cranky
15:20when we're over-tired.
15:22All Dr. Crane needs right now
15:25is a little peace and quiet.
15:28Eddie!
15:31Dammit!
15:34Morning, Daphne.
15:41Where are you off to?
15:42Oh, I'm taking Eddie for a walk.
15:44By yourself?
15:45Yes, of course.
15:46Why not?
15:47It's dangerous out there.
15:49You never know when you might need...
15:53...one of these.
15:57A scatter's pistol?
15:59Oh, I don't think so, Dr. Crane,
16:04but thanks for the thought.
16:11How did she know it wasn't a real gun?
16:14Fooled the servants,
16:15even the ones who spent years
16:16fleeing hunters.
16:20You bought a Stardust pistol?
16:22Yes.
16:23You see, as long as Maris thinks it's real,
16:25it makes her feel secure,
16:27but this way,
16:27no one can get hurt.
16:28Oh!
16:36What the hell was that?
16:39What's that I got in shots?
16:42Morning, Fraser.
16:42Just getting up?
16:43Just getting up?
16:47Are you out of your mind?
16:49A gun just went off in here.
16:51Niles bought a Stardust pistol.
16:53And there's no need to get snippy.
16:55Accidents happen, you know.
16:56Oh, I'm sorry.
16:58Was I snippy?
17:01If I didn't realize it was too much to ask,
17:04did there not be gunplay
17:05in my living room?
17:07You know, Niles, you shouldn't have any kind of gun, really.
17:15Come to think of it,
17:16now that Mr. Sunshine's home during the day,
17:18maybe I shouldn't either.
17:23Mr. Latt,
17:24it won't be long before my loyal fans protest,
17:27and the afternoon sloth is once again home to the compassionate and lovable Dr. Fraser Crane.
17:36Now, get the hell out, both of you.
17:37All right, maybe I can catch up to Daphne in the park.
17:44I'll cover you.
17:53Hello, Seattle.
17:54This is Dr. Fraser Crane.
17:56I'll be taking your calls for the next four hours.
17:59Roz, who's on the line?
18:00How should I know?
18:01I just got here.
18:07Hello, line two.
18:08You're on with Dr. Fraser Crane.
18:10Uh, hey, Dr. Crane.
18:12It's Mark.
18:14Hello, Mark.
18:15I'm listening.
18:16Okay, uh, well,
18:19I work at this all-night mini-mart,
18:21and, um,
18:22I've been watching myself on the video camera,
18:25and the camera me is doing things I don't approve of.
18:42People think insomnia is a laughing matter,
18:45but it's hell.
18:48If I don't get some sleep soon,
18:50I'll just,
18:51I'll go crazy.
18:52You've got to help me, Dr. Crane.
18:57Dr. Crane.
19:02Hey, I'm talking here!
19:06What?
19:07I'm listening.
19:13Well,
19:13so what do you think I should do?
19:19Well,
19:20you know,
19:21sometimes these things
19:23seem clearer
19:24in the light of day.
19:26Um,
19:27my advice is to sleep on it.
19:33Is that some kind of a joke?
19:35To,
19:36to make fun of the insomniac?
19:38Oh, no!
19:45Oh, oh,
19:46and now for a word from, um,
19:47uh,
19:48uh,
19:48someone,
19:51uh,
19:51I forget,
19:54I think they sell paint.
20:03You hear that whooshing sound?
20:05It's my career going down the toilet.
20:07Thank God,
20:09Ross,
20:09I don't think I've helped
20:10a single person tonight.
20:12Helped?
20:13You'll be lucky
20:13if you don't get sued.
20:15You told a longshoreman
20:16to come out of the closet
20:18and a gay guy
20:19to spend more time
20:19on the docks.
20:23Well,
20:24you're the one
20:24who's supposed to keep track
20:25of who's on what line.
20:26Okay,
20:26let me make it easy for you.
20:28Freaks!
20:29Freaks on line one,
20:30freaks on line two,
20:31freaks!
20:31Everyone else!
20:32Ross,
20:33Ross,
20:34we shouldn't get mad
20:35at each other.
20:37Look,
20:38this is all Kate's fault.
20:40You're right,
20:41right.
20:41She's ruining us
20:43and there's nothing
20:43we can do.
20:45Yes,
20:45there is.
20:47If we're going to go down,
20:48we're going to take her
20:49down with us.
20:50We've got one hour left.
20:51If she wants raunch,
20:52we're going to give her
20:52more raunch
20:53than she ever dreamed of.
20:54Are you with me,
20:55Ross?
20:56Just pump up the volume
20:57and call me Kitty.
20:58Okay.
21:02We're back,
21:02Seattle.
21:03And in accordance
21:04with new station policy,
21:07we are going to be
21:08pandering
21:08to the lowest
21:09human instinct.
21:10In other words,
21:11who wants to talk
21:13about sex?
21:14Sex,
21:15sex,
21:15sex,
21:15sex,
21:16sex,
21:16sex,
21:16sex.
21:19Yeah!
21:23I want to know
21:24who's having sex.
21:25How are you having it?
21:26I want to know
21:27if you're having it
21:28right now.
21:31Look,
21:31Dr. Crane,
21:32the lines are hot.
21:34Really hot.
21:37Thank you,
21:38Kitty.
21:39Hello,
21:40caller.
21:41What are you wearing?
21:43Nothing.
21:44I'm naked.
21:45Hey,
21:45that's a great idea.
21:48Let's all get naked.
21:49Hey,
21:50I'm getting naked
21:50right now.
21:53While Dr. Crane
21:55strips,
21:56our new station manager
21:57would like to know
21:58if you prefer to be
21:59the spanker
22:00or the spanky.
22:02Oh,
22:02definitely the spanker.
22:04Well,
22:04then hop in the can.
22:06I'm not wearing any clothes.
22:08Woo!
22:14While Roz
22:15laces up her
22:15leather bustier,
22:17this is Dr.
22:18Frasier Crane,
22:20K-A-C-L,
22:22all talk,
22:23all night,
22:24all naked.
22:25Hey!
22:30Explain.
22:32As George Bernard Shaw
22:34once said,
22:35there are two tragedies
22:36in life.
22:38One is not getting
22:39what we want.
22:40The other is getting it.
22:42You know full well
22:44this is not
22:44what I wanted.
22:46You did this
22:46to vex me.
22:50And you succeeded.
22:52And it was not Shaw,
22:54it was Oscar Wilde.
22:55Did you ever open
22:56a book at Harvard?
22:58You know,
22:59one of these days
23:01you're going to
23:01misquote someone
23:02and I'm going to
23:03land on you
23:04like a sumo wrestler.
23:09All I wanted,
23:10all I wanted
23:11was a lousy
23:12little theme show
23:13once or twice a week.
23:14Yeah,
23:15Frasier Crane
23:16takes a leering
23:17look at infidelity.
23:19No,
23:19not a leering look,
23:21just a good look
23:22at the pain
23:23of infidelity,
23:24at what it does
23:25to families,
23:26at what it does
23:26to children,
23:27at what it does
23:28to the fabric
23:28of society.
23:30And this is just
23:30off the top
23:31of my head,
23:32but no,
23:32you are such
23:34an arrogant gas bag,
23:35so used to being
23:36cock of the walk
23:37around here,
23:38that you can't
23:39stand still
23:39for one minute
23:40and listen to
23:41a perfectly valid
23:42suggestion
23:43from somebody else.
23:44And you
23:45are such a smug
23:46egomaniac
23:47that your entire
23:48self-image
23:48would shatter
23:49like a cheap mirror
23:50if you ever
23:51had to admit
23:51that you
23:52had made
23:52a mistake.
23:54It was a classic
23:55case of neurotic
23:56narcissism
23:57and a first-class
23:58smarty-pants.
24:03You can go ahead
24:04and fire me now.
24:06Yes,
24:07I could do that.
24:09Yes.
24:11But I'm not going to.
24:13Did you listen
24:16to the whole tape?
24:19Oh, yeah.
24:21But unlike you,
24:23I put what's good
24:24for this station
24:25above my personal
24:26feelings.
24:28Well,
24:28it's awfully big of you.
24:32Guess that means
24:33I'll be moving back
24:34to my old time slot.
24:36Guess again,
24:37Captain Midnight.
24:40If I give you back
24:41your old time slot
24:42without your making
24:43a single concession
24:44to me,
24:45that would completely
24:45undermine my authority.
24:48Being a crack shrink,
24:50surely that's
24:50within your grasp.
24:52Grasp this.
24:53If I don't get
24:54my old time slot,
24:55I quit.
24:57Grasp this.
24:58You do,
24:59and I'll sue you
24:59for breach of contract.
25:02Okay,
25:03then it's a stalemate.
25:05And if we don't want
25:06to remain entrenched
25:06in these positions forever,
25:08one of us had better
25:08think of something.
25:10Yes,
25:11one of us better.
25:12I've got it!
25:30Damn!
25:30So we're together,
25:37right?
25:38Absolutely.
25:39We're not letting her
25:40push us around
25:41any longer.
25:41Nope.
25:42You do the talking.
25:43I'll stand behind you
25:45and burn holes
25:46through her
25:46with my,
25:47you call this
25:48a Hollandaise sauce,
25:49Claire.
25:51I don't care what you say,
25:52I like theme shows,
25:54and I'm going to do them
25:55starting this Friday
25:55with Frasier Crane
25:56takes a look
25:57at the consequences
25:58of infidelity.
25:59You do,
26:00and I'll make you
26:01start that show
26:01with classical music.
26:03Bartok's concerto in C,
26:04I don't care how much
26:05you hate it.
26:06Damn you!
26:09It's my way
26:10or no way.
26:14You win,
26:15Bartok it is.
26:16What do you two want?
26:21Nothing.
26:22Keep up the good work.
26:33Hey, baby,
26:34I hear the blues
26:35a-callin'
26:36Tossed salads
26:37and scrambled eggs
26:39Oh, my.
26:42And maybe I seem
26:43a bit confused
26:44Well, maybe
26:45but I got you pegged
26:47Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
26:50But I don't know
26:51what to do
26:52with those
26:53tossed salads
26:53and scrambled eggs
26:56They're callin' again
26:59Good night!