Frasier Season 2 Episode 15 You Scratch My Bo Ok
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00:00I still say when some guy grabs your parking space, you don't just sit there, you say something.
00:07You can't. When a man has no front teeth and stitches on his nose, I think it's safe to assume he's sensitive to criticism.
00:16What's this?
00:18Oh, must be one of those inspirational tapes that Daphne's always listening to.
00:23Oh my God.
00:25Here, have a rainbow by Dr. Honey Snow.
00:30Daphne, how can you listen to this stuff? It's absolute drivel.
00:33Yeah, well, for someone who writes drivel, she's awfully popular.
00:36Oh, really? Fancy that.
00:38She tells everyone that they're perfectly wonderful and that nothing wrong is ever their fault.
00:43Well, you know, they like it.
00:46There's a lot more to it than that. You should try reading one of her books.
00:50Yes, well, I have.
00:52Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.
00:59Hello, Niles.
01:03But we owe this pleasure.
01:04Embrace yourselves, kids.
01:06It's raffle time.
01:08Oh, my.
01:09Yeah.
01:09Afraid so.
01:11Oh, ye gods.
01:12Who's been plumbing the shallows of Dr. Honey Snow?
01:15I have.
01:17Insightful, isn't she?
01:18Anyway, tickets are only $10.
01:24It all goes to support Mara's Little Opera Group.
01:27Dear God.
01:28What is the grand prize this year?
01:31Their lead soprano, Mrs. Fitzgibbons, will come to your home and perform the Ride of the Valkyries.
01:39We've sold 800 tickets, so the risk is pretty minimal.
01:41All right.
01:46In return, let me offer you a hot stock tip.
01:50Vector Comp Software.
01:51Wendell assures me they can't miss.
01:53Who's Wendell?
01:54My new broker.
01:56Every stock he's put me onto has paid off.
01:59The man is positively clairvoyant.
02:01You know, I've got a bit tucked away.
02:04Maybe I ought to take a little chance with you, Wendell.
02:07I should warn you, it's not a sure thing.
02:10Nothing in life is a sure thing.
02:12But Dr. Snow has a little saying.
02:15Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
02:20She'd better copyright that before some unscrupulous hack steals it.
02:26I'll go in for 500.
02:29That's a lot for me, but I don't know.
02:32I have a little feeling I'm in for a bit of luck.
02:34All right, I better get ready.
02:38I'm off to the book, nook.
02:40Dr. Snow is signing copies of a new bestseller.
02:43Wait a minute, you're going out.
02:44What about my wordful therapy?
02:46Oh, right, I forgot.
02:50Maybe you could go to the book signing for me, Dr. Crane.
02:54It's right around the corner from the station.
02:57I would sooner attend a hoedown.
03:00I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.
03:12What's the big deal?
03:14I have my reputation to think of.
03:16What's the big deal?
03:19All right.
03:21Make you all happy to see me humiliate myself.
03:23Well, I always get a kick out of it.
03:26That was ever so.
03:27Yes.
03:28Well.
03:30Oh, look, everyone.
03:33Eddie has found his inner puppy.
03:45I promise this will just take a minute.
03:48I hope so.
03:49I barely got an hour for lunch.
03:51Oh, God.
03:53Not another one of those honey snow books.
03:57Don't change.
03:58You're perfect.
04:00You believe people go for this junk?
04:03It's unbelievable.
04:04Here, get her autograph for me, will you?
04:11She's sitting right behind those people over there.
04:12Just go get it signed, and then we'll get out of here.
04:14Go have a nice lunch at Le Cigar Voulon.
04:17Me?
04:18Why don't you do it?
04:19I have my reputation to think of.
04:21Well, what's the big deal?
04:26Oh, my God.
04:32Oh, it's wonderful, isn't it?
04:36I just love what she says about finding a moment each day
04:40to stop and give yourself a mental hug.
04:46I'm giving myself one now.
04:50Really?
04:51Well, actually, it's more of a Heimlich maneuver.
04:59Got it.
05:00Good, good.
05:01Let's buy it and get out of here.
05:02No, no, not so fast.
05:04She wants to meet you.
05:05Ross, I don't want to meet the woman.
05:07Let's just go.
05:08Uh, Fraser, do you know what Honey Snow looks like?
05:11What difference could that make?
05:12The woman stands for everything that I find totally...
05:15enchanting.
05:22Hello.
05:23I'm Dr. Honey Snow.
05:25And I'm...
05:26Wait, don't tell me.
05:28I'm Dr. Fraser Crane.
05:29Oh, Dr. Crane, let me shake your hand.
05:34Oh, what am I saying?
05:36Hug.
05:37Why not?
05:41After all, a handshake is just a hug for Frady Cat.
05:46No fear here.
05:52I am one of your biggest fans.
05:54And I've recently become one of yours.
05:56Oh.
05:56I think the advice you give is so brilliant, yet so simple.
06:04Well, what about those mental hugs of yours?
06:08I...
06:08Can't get much simpler than that.
06:13No, I think I'll just go get started on my appetizer.
06:16Oh, yes, you start without me.
06:18All I really want is a little nibble.
06:20Oh, tell me.
06:20You know, I really should get back to my signing, but I'd love to talk more.
06:28There seems to be such a positive energy between us.
06:32My publisher's given me a dinner tonight at 7 at Bianchi's.
06:36Would you come as my guest?
06:40I'd love to.
06:41Oh, that's great.
06:42Well, it was nice meeting you, Dr. Snow.
06:45Oh, please, it's honey.
06:46Honey.
06:46Honey.
06:50It certainly is.
07:02Good evening, Dr. Crane.
07:04Good evening, Daphne.
07:06Dad?
07:07Hmm.
07:08What from this board of kings, I see?
07:10Which horse did you wager on?
07:11Joe's Dream, number eight.
07:14Goodness.
07:14It seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddhist approach to the race.
07:18Perhaps you should have invested in something more reliable, like Vectorcom software.
07:31I was stuck.
07:32Did it go up a bit?
07:33No.
07:34It went up a lot.
07:36Thanks to a takeover bid, it gained 40% overnight.
07:40Wendell advised selling.
07:41So, voila.
07:43Your original 500 plus 200 profit.
07:46Two hundred?
07:49Oh, Dr. Crane, I could kiss you.
07:57Well, that's a nice little dividend.
07:59I'll say.
08:03You have to help me decide what to do with it.
08:06Well, you might want to consider letting Wendell reinvest it.
08:10That's what I'm doing.
08:11It's called rolling it over.
08:12Then I'll do it.
08:14Oh, this is so exciting.
08:18What's all this?
08:19Well, your brother just gave me $200.
08:22And now he's going to roll me over.
08:24Niles, communications breakdown good.
08:40What are you all dressed up for?
08:42Hot date?
08:43As a matter of fact, yes.
08:45With whom?
08:46Dr. Honey Snow.
08:48Did it ever occur to you that I might not want Niles to know who I'm dating?
08:54Sure, Deb.
08:54Right before I said it.
09:02You're dating Dr. Honey Snow?
09:04I thought you considered her a complete ninny.
09:07What could you possibly see in this ho-ho mama?
09:10What a hell of a kid shrink, huh?
09:16Not a man alive wouldn't let her analyze his dreams.
09:21Analyze them?
09:22She could star in them.
09:31Yes, yes.
09:32But what on earth do you say to her when she wants to discuss her work?
09:35Well, I just simply skirt the issue.
09:39Of course.
09:40Honey, I think your books are just...
09:42Oh, look, the waiter's on fire.
09:47You're just jealous.
09:49Not half as jealous as you're about to be.
09:52I suggest you get a coaster for your lower lip.
09:58Hi, honey.
09:59Hi, honey.
10:02Allow me to make the introductions.
10:04Oh, Daphne Moon, Honey Snow, Honey Snow, Daphne Moon.
10:08She's a big fan of yours.
10:10Oh, hug.
10:14We've both got sort of unusual names.
10:17Daphne Moon, Honey Snow.
10:19Come to think of it, if you married my father,
10:21your name would be Honey Moon.
10:29My father, Martin Crane.
10:32Oh, hello.
10:33Well, it's easy to see where Frazier gets his good looks.
10:36Oh, get out of here.
10:41And last but not least, my brother, Niles.
10:44Oh, Dr. Niles Crane.
10:47I've read a wonderful article you wrote
10:49in the Journal of Psychiatric Medicine.
10:52Let's see.
10:52Gestalt therapy probing the subconscious.
10:55Yes, and I believe I read your quiz in Cosmo.
11:00Is your guy a stud or a dud?
11:07Perhaps we should be going.
11:08Well, actually, not yet.
11:10I have something I want to give you.
11:12Oh.
11:12It's a manuscript of my upcoming book.
11:16Oh, another one.
11:18So soon.
11:20I hope you like it, Frazier, because if you do,
11:24I'd love for you to write the foreword.
11:26Me?
11:27Who better?
11:33Well, actually, there are so many other people
11:37that would be more qualified to write for such an important work.
11:42Well, if I didn't know better, I think you didn't want to do it.
11:46Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
11:47It's a great honor.
11:48I see.
11:49The last book had an introduction by Mickey Rooney.
11:53Wow.
11:58Well, there's no two ways about it, then.
12:00I'm writing that foreword.
12:01Oh, that's great.
12:04Just sleep by next fall.
12:06There'll be half a million copies in print
12:08with your name right on the cover.
12:10I've got my Christmas shopping done.
12:18Oh, nice.
12:26Will you please stop giggling?
12:27It's very distracting.
12:29I can't help it if you've read this.
12:31I'm trying to recommend the book.
12:33Reading it doesn't help.
12:38Okay, here.
12:40How's this?
12:42Many great volumes have been written about human behavior.
12:45And I can honestly say, without fear of contradiction,
12:49that this book can stand on the shelf next to any of them.
13:01No good, is it?
13:03No, no, but this is.
13:05You don't have to be a star to twinkle.
13:12Frasier, I need a hug.
13:13No.
13:15Miles, will you please help me?
13:20Honey asked me to write this foreword two weeks ago.
13:23She's got a deadline.
13:24She's been wondering where it is.
13:26Time is a concept known only to one of God's creatures, man.
13:30Just for today, be a sunflower.
13:33Oh, give me that.
13:33Oh, come on.
13:38Miles, you just don't understand what's at stake here.
13:41I've never felt this way about a woman before.
13:44It's like I'm out of control.
13:46An effect on me.
13:49There's no words to describe it, really.
13:51It's more like a sound.
13:53Talk about honey again?
14:04Yes.
14:05Frankly, I find it laughable that you're even considering putting your name on 500,000 copies of this piffle.
14:11Not even piffle.
14:13It's piffle light.
14:18Oh, lay off your brother.
14:20Some women have a gift for making guys do stupid things.
14:24When I was on traffic duty, there was this one cute little redhead.
14:28She could talk her way out of any ticket.
14:31She could be doing 90 with a school crossing guard spreading on her hood.
14:37She'd flash that pouty little smile, and no matter what my partner would say,
14:42I'd just wag my finger at her and send her on her way.
14:45Yes.
14:46It's the old good cop, horny cop routine.
14:55Oh, good.
14:56You're all here.
14:58I want to show off me new coat.
15:00Ooh, very nice, Daphne.
15:02Yes, I've been spending like a drunken yuppie.
15:08Oh, I'm afraid I went a bit over me budget.
15:12Well, if it's cash flow you're concerned about, you should know I got a little call from Wendell today.
15:17What, again?
15:18What's that, four times in two weeks?
15:20Yes, the man's a wizard.
15:22Daphne, your profit.
15:25What?
15:26Oh, $400?
15:29Oh, Dr. Green.
15:31And here's one for Wendell.
15:36Did I mention Wendell has a secretary?
15:42Well, I'd say this calls for a celebration.
15:45Tell you what, I'll take you all out for a nice dinner, my treat.
15:49I'll just go and put on my new dress and we'll be off.
15:52I want you to put on your new shirt with your brown corduroy slack.
15:56Hey, if you're buying, I'm going to wear elastic waist pants and no belt.
16:01Well, Miles, that broker of yours, he's a marvel.
16:11Yes, he's doing wonderful things for me.
16:14He is.
16:14Say so, I've been so impressed with his winning streak lately that I asked Daphne what her latest pick was and I invested a few hundred myself.
16:25Really?
16:26Well, congratulations.
16:29Well, thank you.
16:30But just one thing, though, it's very hard to figure out.
16:34Although I invested in the very same stock that Daphne did, mine declined and hers went up.
16:42How do you explain that?
16:48Obviously, one of us is lying, Frasier.
16:55What are you up to?
16:58Fess up, Niles.
16:59This whole stock thing was alive in the get-go.
17:02No, no, no, that's not true.
17:03The first stock really did pay off, but then the rest all tanked.
17:07And what was I supposed to do?
17:09Tell that poor working-class Venus I'd lost her life savings?
17:14I had to pay her back and if I threw in a little extra, well, where's the harm in that?
17:18Miles, you are giving a woman money in order to obtain physical affection.
17:22We're talking about the world's oldest profession.
17:25Well, I meant this is the, sort of the Walt Disney version, but still.
17:31It's wrong.
17:32I insist you stop it.
17:33No, it's altruistic.
17:35It's noble.
17:36It's fun and you can't make me stop.
17:40Now, Dr. Green, I want you to take this $400 back and buy whatever Wendell says.
17:47Consider it done.
17:48No, Niles, I've been thinking I should get on that gravy train myself.
17:55Well, Wendell, I'm in for $10,000.
18:00Good Lord, $10,000, Dr. Green?
18:04I'll just think of the dinner I'll be able to buy when Niles brings me my profits.
18:11Ah, what the hell?
18:13Put me down for a couple of hundred.
18:15This guy's some kind of genie.
18:17Yes, he's a real treasure, isn't he?
18:20I only hope those chest pains he was complaining about this morning turn out to be indigestion.
18:25So, shall we go then?
18:29I've decided I'm Farmer Jack's chicken, chicken, chicken.
18:33I hear the chicken there is very good.
18:38Are you coming?
18:39Now, you two run along.
18:40I'll take my car.
18:41Well, I hope you're happy.
18:50Snap out of it.
18:51What you were doing was completely dishonest.
18:53Oh, sit the pot to the kettle.
18:55What is that supposed to mean?
18:56I think you know what it means.
18:57Oh, don't be ridiculous.
19:00Our two situations are totally different.
19:02Oh, really?
19:03How so?
19:03Well, for one thing, you've been misleading a woman for your own selfish game.
19:06And so are you.
19:07Well, I'm not finished.
19:08She was also trusting you to tell the truth.
19:11Oh, and the difference would be...
19:13Your woman is English.
19:19Frasier, you've lost this one.
19:21I know.
19:22I know.
19:24It's just going to take a little while
19:26to climb down off of this particular high horse.
19:30I think you know what you have to do.
19:41Yes.
19:45I have to tell her I can't write the foreword.
19:50Oh, Niles.
19:52And I have to say goodbye to the chance of ever sleeping with absolute perfection.
20:00Oh, Niles.
20:03Where?
20:04Oh, where?
20:06Will I ever have the chance again to...
20:09to gaze upon such extraordinarily proud, supple breasts?
20:19Not to worry, brother.
20:22That's the manager's special at Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.
20:25It was a wonderful dinner.
20:40Yes, well, thank you for the fabulous table.
20:43I think hugging the maitre d' really clinched at you.
20:46Did you care for a nightcap?
20:50Sure.
20:52You know, you seemed a little tense all evening.
20:54But I've just the thing.
20:57It's a sandalwood candle.
21:00The scent is guaranteed to calm you down.
21:04You better fire up about ten of those.
21:20You know, there's something I'd really like to talk to you about.
21:24It's about that foreword I've been trying to write for you.
21:28Can we not talk about work tonight, Fraser?
21:31I've been chained to my desk all day researching an article I'm doing on sexual intimacy.
21:38But I'm up to here with the joy of sex, Kama Sutra, Masters and Johnson.
21:44Really?
21:45I feel like I've been reading recipes all day.
21:53Only there are no groceries in the house.
21:57Well, your bag boy has arrived.
22:07No, no, no, no, no.
22:09I really need to discuss this now.
22:13Oh, you.
22:14You're such a workaholic.
22:17I only hope you're this tireless about everything.
22:23Oh, I don't think you'll have any complaints.
22:27No, no, no, no.
22:29I've got to focus on the subject at hand.
22:33Fraser, tonight I am the subject at hand.
22:36No, no, no, honey.
22:46I can't do it.
22:48Oh, well, that's all right.
22:49I have a candle for that, too.
22:51No.
22:54No, I can't write the foreword.
22:58Why not?
22:59Well, I had.
23:03I just didn't think it was a very good book.
23:07I think the world of you, and I wish you the greatest success.
23:10I didn't think the book was good enough to put my name on it.
23:18I guess I'll be going now.
23:20Well, I am so attracted to you right now.
23:32Most men are so eager to have sex they'll say anything to a woman.
23:35How great to meet a man who would risk rejection rather than be dishonest.
23:43Well, I, uh, have to be true to my inner voice.
23:56You know, frankly, I thought the book was weak myself.
23:59I rushed it to meet a deadline.
24:02I'm so glad.
24:04You respected me enough to be honest.
24:09I think honesty is the greatest aphodisiac of all.
24:15I hope you feel you can be just as honest with me.
24:17Oh, I do, I do.
24:20Tell me everything.
24:22I don't want us to hide anything.
24:24Oh, I thought your chapter titles were clumsy and jejeune.
24:30You're true.
24:30You use way too much French in everyday conversation.
24:34Oh, no.
24:35I think that sandalwood stinks.
24:38Oh, when you talk about wine, I wish I had a gun.
24:48I thought your first three books were trite and saccharine.
24:56It's your turn, honey.
25:03Honey?
25:03I am immensely proud of my first three books.
25:13As well you should be.
25:17You thought they were trite?
25:19Oh, well, I meant trite in its best sense.
25:23As in the phrase, trite and true.
25:26And what about saccharine?
25:33I love saccharine.
25:35Use it every day.
25:37Well, I'm glad you like saccharine, darling.
25:42Because there's no way you're getting any honey.
25:46Good night, Frasier.
25:59Honey, I'm sorry.
26:03I really am.
26:06You know, could we try one of your forgiveness exercises?
26:12Good night, Frasier.
26:13Hug.
26:18You know, a poet once said something about the world that I think applies to our relationship.
26:24It ends not with a bang, but with a whimper.
26:36Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:39Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:42They're calling again.
27:02Good night!
27:04Good night, Frasier.
27:05Good night, Frasier.
27:06Good night, Frasier.
27:06Good night, Frasier.
27:06Good night, Frasier.
27:07Good night, Frasier.
27:07Good night, Frasier.
27:08Good night, Frasier.
27:09Good night, Frasier.
27:10Good night, Frasier.
27:11Good night, Frasier.
27:12Good night, Frasier.
27:13Good night, Frasier.
27:14Good night, Frasier.
27:15Good night, Frasier.
27:16Good night, Frasier.
27:17Good night, Frasier.
27:18Good night, Frasier.
27:19Good night, Frasier.
27:20Good night, Frasier.
27:21Good night, Frasier.
27:22Good night, Frasier.
27:23Good night, Frasier.
27:24Good night, Frasier.