Married With Children Season 3 Episode 1 He Thought He Could
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00:00Thank you for listening.
01:30It's so easy to make, too.
01:33Oh, Peggy, you're supposed to move it around.
01:39Oh.
01:39Well, gee, now it's not easy anymore.
01:49Peggy, did you know this says used before May the 11th, 1972?
01:53Marcy, if you read it carefully, it says, best if used before May the 11th, 1972.
02:03Boys, popcorn!
02:07Can you believe it?
02:12This little treasure was hiding in a box up in the attic.
02:16It was a wedding present from Al's parents.
02:23They gave you popcorn?
02:25Yeah.
02:27Popcorn and Al.
02:28I made out like a bandit.
02:30Well, Steve's parents gave us china and written instructions on how to make melon balls for their son.
02:41It's the only way he'll eat melon, you know.
02:43Yeah, men are so fussy.
02:47Do you know that after we were first married, Al wouldn't eat unless his food was warm?
02:52Okay, we've cleaned out your garage, your backyard, and your attic.
03:00So, tomorrow, you're going to help me clean out my garage, right, Al?
03:04One second.
03:08No.
03:11Now, Al, I hope that attic is nice and clean for when Mother comes to stay.
03:16All right, the straw's been laid down, the trough's been built.
03:18All we need now is a little glass of bourbon to put her teeth in, and she'll be in, pardon the expression, hog heaven.
03:31Hey!
03:32Popcorn!
03:38Marcy, I don't need you to tell me what to eat.
03:41You're not my mother.
03:42If you were, you'd know how to make a decent melon ball.
03:47Oh.
03:48Mmm, it's good.
03:53No, no, no, no, no.
03:54No more popcorn until you put that junk in the garbage.
03:58Junk?
03:58I got a lot of good stuff here.
04:00I can use a lot of this.
04:02Steve, look what she wants me to throw out.
04:08My hedge clippers.
04:13They disappeared one day from my yard.
04:14How did you get them?
04:15Bud!
04:21Get down here!
04:26What, Dad?
04:27Did you take these hedge clippers?
04:29Yes, Dad.
04:30Remember, you called Mr. Rhodes up on the phone, and I slipped over and took him?
04:33Well, don't ever do it again.
04:42I'm sorry, Steve.
04:43He must have misunderstood.
04:45Hey.
04:47That's my car battery.
04:48Well, you can't count that, Steve.
04:54That was before we became friends.
04:58Hi, everybody.
05:00Oh, the greatest thing happened at school today.
05:03The bus driver had a nervous breakdown, so we had to drive the bus ourselves.
05:07So, um, if anybody calls and accuses me of locking the driver in the bathroom and taking the bus on a joyride, now you know it's not true.
05:18So, what is all this junk, anyway?
05:21It's not junk, Kel.
05:23It's Dad's life.
05:25And it's all in this little box, isn't it, Dad?
05:27You bet it is, son.
05:28Hey, now, look at this.
05:32MVP Pop Warner football.
05:35I was a little younger than you when I got this, son.
05:38All-star Little League.
05:40Shortstop.
05:40Oh, man.
05:43All-city football.
05:45Eh?
05:46And I met your mom.
05:50Co-ed softball.
05:52Participant award.
05:53Rookie of the year, shoe salesman, 1968.
06:00You notice how they're getting smaller?
06:03Everything about him is.
06:08Oh, yeah, and I'm sure you didn't have anything to do with that either, did you?
06:14Well, that's the end of my trophies.
06:17Gee, Al, what a testament to a...
06:21loser.
06:21Thanks, Steve.
06:24No, really.
06:25You'll never relive this glory.
06:28God, you must feel low.
06:32I mean, I didn't have that much of an athletic past.
06:35Oh, come on, Steve.
06:36You must have got the running home to mommy trophy once or twice.
06:41Well, if I did win one, I'm sure it's somewhere in your box.
06:46The point, however, is my life is getting better.
06:51And I've got the best trophy in the whole world right here to share it with me.
06:56Couldn't you just eat him up?
06:59Nah, Peg, he'd probably just serve him cold.
07:03Hey, look at this.
07:06The book that inspired my whole life.
07:08Wanda the Preppy Hippo?
07:10The Little Engine That Could.
07:16Is this my book, Al?
07:18No, it's not, and I can prove it.
07:20Look here.
07:21Yeah.
07:22Property of the Oakwood Library.
07:26Oh, gee, Al, it's a little overdue.
07:301957 is past, isn't it?
07:33Can you believe that, Kel?
07:34Well, Dad was alive in 1957.
07:38I didn't even think it was a real year.
07:42Wow, what memories this brings back.
07:45Meh.
07:50Can't throw this away.
07:53Well, Steve, it's a book.
07:55He certainly can't read it.
07:57Al, this is literature.
08:02Don't you understand?
08:03You have to bring this book back.
08:06Libraries all over the country are suffering from a shortage of books.
08:11And a book is fuel for a hungry mind.
08:15Ah, books are for idiots.
08:16I mean, you can learn everything you need from a movie or a date.
08:22Well, the world needs bimbos, too.
08:32Al, just take the book back.
08:35I've got bad memories of that library.
08:37Oh, honey, is that because all the other kids were reading?
08:44No.
08:45It's because of the librarian.
08:48Miss DeGroote.
08:49God, she was fat and old and...
08:54fat.
08:56Remember she had this cup of coffee on her desk,
08:59and she'd always be spooning mounds of sugar into it from a jar.
09:04And she'd stir it.
09:05It would make these clanking sounds like chains on a ghost.
09:09Fat ghost.
09:12God, she hated me.
09:14Well...
09:33Well, young Mr. Bundy, the devil boy, you'd like to check these out, would you?
09:59Well, I'm afraid you can't. Do you know why?
10:03Because I didn't bring you french fries like the other boys do?
10:08You're a bad seed, Bundy.
10:11You can't have these books because you are consistently overdue, you never have the money to pay, and looking at you now, I doubt you ever will.
10:23Bring them back, I promise.
10:25You always promise, but you don't follow through. And that, in a nutshell, is your problem. Make a promise, keep a promise.
10:34Yeah, yeah, bake a pie, eat a pie.
10:43Can I have the books now? I've got a book report due tomorrow.
10:47You may take just one book.
10:49Hey, be fair, can you eat just one pig?
10:52You're a horrible little boy.
11:03You'll never amount to a hill of beans.
11:06And I wish that on you, Bundy.
11:08To be the failure you deserve.
11:12And take that hand out of your pants, it's a filthy little habit.
11:15Now, I'm going to let you have the little engine that could on the basis that you might learn something.
11:26Though we both know you won't.
11:30Do you think anyone can teach you anything?
11:33Well, you've just taught me that even the slightest movement can make a fat person sweat.
11:38Three days.
11:45You have three days to bring this back.
11:48Promise you'll bring it back on time.
11:50I promise.
11:52Oh, that means almost nothing.
11:55But if you don't, remember,
11:57I'll be waiting for you.
12:00Boy, she hates you, Aya.
12:08I swear, one day I'm going to take that bowl of sugar
12:11and pour the whole thing down our gas tank.
12:19My life's got to get better than this.
12:21That's when I first learned that redheads can kill you.
12:38Come on, Al.
12:40That was 30 years ago.
12:42The woman's dead.
12:44No one can eat that much sugar and live.
12:48Take it back.
12:49Face your fears, Al.
12:52Be a man and return the little engine that could.
13:19You're alive.
13:28And you owe us $2,163.
13:38Wait a second.
13:40You're charging me $2,000 for an overdue library book?
13:44Perhaps if you didn't ignore the overdue notices
13:48we sent you for the first 10 years,
13:51you wouldn't be in this pickle.
13:53Sit down.
13:59You made me a promise and you didn't keep it.
14:03So now you must pay the piper.
14:05For you see,
14:07even the road to ruin
14:08has its toll gate.
14:10Now,
14:13will you be paying cash
14:16or food stamps?
14:21Can't we make a little deal here?
14:24Now, I'll tell you what.
14:26Suppose I tape a donut
14:28to my driver's license
14:30and slip it to you.
14:32You give it back
14:34and the donut
14:34just mysteriously
14:36disappears.
14:42Could it be that you don't have
14:44the $2,000?
14:46Could it be that I was correct
14:48when I made an educated guess
14:50that you would fail in life?
14:52Could it be that the nails
14:54that hold your chair together
14:55are from the planet Krypton?
14:57Oh, look.
15:03It's after 12.
15:05That's another 20 cents
15:06you owe us.
15:08Well, it just so happens
15:10that I returned that book
15:12years ago.
15:13I'd remember if you did.
15:15You weren't here.
15:16I'm always here.
15:17Not that day.
15:19I believe that was the day
15:20of the big cake heist.
15:22You were rounded up
15:26for questioning.
15:29Perhaps a policeman's
15:30rubber hose
15:31can get to the truth.
15:32Wait.
15:33I'll just go to the shelves
15:34and get that book
15:35and prove it to you.
15:36We'll both go.
15:38So, Mr. Bundy,
15:40what do you do for a living?
15:42Presuming you're not
15:43still in high school.
15:47Librarian hitman.
15:49I thought so.
15:54Let's see.
15:55I know I put it here somewhere.
16:00Is that a duck?
16:02The book, Bundy.
16:03The book.
16:05Yeah, maybe it could be...
16:09Oh, here it is.
16:13The little engine
16:22that could.
16:24Boy, this brings back
16:25a lot of memories.
16:26You planted that in there.
16:29Prove it to Groot.
16:31Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
16:34A loser?
16:36I think not.
16:37Ha, ha, ha, ha.
16:43So, I paid a little fine.
16:48I apologize.
16:50That was it.
16:51Oh, see, Al,
16:52you were worried over nothing.
16:54Yep, you're right.
16:55Kids, let this be a lesson.
16:58You can't do wrong doing right.
17:03On the darker side of the news,
17:06surveillance cameras
17:07in the Oakwood Library
17:08caught the man
17:09with the most overdue book
17:11in the 50th history
17:12as he seeks
17:14the little engine
17:15that could
17:16back on the shelf
17:17to avoid paying the fine.
17:20Watch carefully
17:21in slow motion
17:22as he grabs
17:23and holds the hill
17:25to the librarian.
17:26Woo!
17:27Then slips the book
17:28back on the shelf.
17:29So take a good look
17:31at this man.
17:32He's been identified
17:33as Chicago's own
17:34Al Bundy.
17:36In this reporter's opinion,
17:39a true piece
17:40of human garbage.
17:51Dad,
17:52let me try
17:53something out on you.
17:54How does this sound?
17:56Bud Smith.
18:00Yeah, Mom,
18:01we were watching.
18:03Didn't he look good?
18:04Well, Daddy,
18:07this may be
18:08the most embarrassing thing
18:10that has ever happened
18:11to this family.
18:12I mean,
18:13we've been training
18:14for something like this
18:15all our lives,
18:16but you're never
18:18really ready.
18:22Gee,
18:23let me get that.
18:24That's probably
18:25either somebody
18:25telling me
18:26I'm Time Magazine's
18:27man of the year
18:28or it's
18:30Stephen Marcy.
18:33Hi,
18:34Stephen Marcy.
18:35What's new?
18:37Weren't my property
18:38values low enough?
18:40I'm glad you got
18:45caught, Al.
18:46Oh,
18:46I think we all
18:47are, Marcy.
18:49You serve as an example
18:50for all our young readers,
18:52showing them
18:53they must be
18:53book smart,
18:54not book cheats,
18:56that the hand of justice
18:57will triumph,
18:58even if it must reach
18:59down to the very
19:00bowels of the earth.
19:01For Stephen Marcy, pig.
19:14Gee, Al,
19:15do you think this means
19:16you'll be on
19:17America's Most Wanted?
19:21Daddy,
19:22why couldn't you
19:23have gotten caught
19:24robbing a bank
19:25like Cindy's father?
19:27I mean,
19:28at least she can walk around
19:29with her head held high.
19:32Yeah, Dad,
19:33as the lone carrier
19:35of the Bundy seed,
19:36I foresee some lonely,
19:39seedless nights.
19:42Family,
19:43first of all,
19:44it was entrapment,
19:46so legally,
19:47I feel vindicated.
19:48And second,
19:50so what?
19:52Look,
19:53I know things
19:54look dark right now,
19:55but this is gonna blow over.
19:57Who's up for
19:57a game of Yahtzee?
20:01Al,
20:15it doesn't matter
20:17what anyone else
20:18thinks about you.
20:19I just want you to know
20:21that this hasn't changed
20:22my feelings
20:23at all.
20:24Gee,
20:27that's nice of you,
20:28Peg.
20:29Hey,
20:29you wanna go upstairs
20:30and fool around?
20:32No.
20:43Hi, Bud.
20:45Hi, Kelly.
20:47It's Jim.
20:48And Natalie.
20:49So, um,
20:52what's for dinner,
20:53Aunt Peggy?
20:54It's Ruth.
20:56Ruth.
20:58Now, kids,
21:00go ahead and put your bags
21:03in the closet
21:03next to mine.
21:06And let's try
21:07to cheer your father up.
21:10He's a little bit down,
21:11what with that piece
21:12on Paul Harvey.
21:13I used to like him.
21:18Oh, now, Al,
21:19don't worry.
21:20Honey,
21:20we've weathered
21:21your paychecks.
21:22We'll weather this, too.
21:25And, Al,
21:26I want you to know
21:27that no matter
21:28how bad it gets,
21:31and I think
21:31I speak for the kids, too,
21:34we will not wear
21:35our bags
21:36in the house.
21:39Right, kids?
21:41Well, not one of my
21:43room...
21:43There, you feel better, Al.
21:49Where you going, honey?
21:51I'm going to pay the fine.
21:53It'll break us,
21:54but at least we don't
21:54have to be ashamed
21:55of who we are.
21:56I don't know.
22:11Hello, Mr. Bundy.
22:24I've been expecting you.
22:26Hey, man,
22:28don't Bundy that book.
22:37You're quite famous,
22:39you know.
22:39This week,
22:41we've had 34
22:42overdue books
22:43returned by mail
22:44with checks.
22:46The children are terrified
22:47and treat each book
22:49like fine china.
22:52Mr. Bundy,
22:53you've become
22:55the Freddy Krueger
22:56of the library system.
22:59Miss DeGroote,
23:01does the word
23:02suey mean anything to you?
23:05Oh, children,
23:06quiet down,
23:07how do you wind up
23:08like this man?
23:11You know, Mr. Bundy,
23:13I've worked at this library
23:15for 44 years.
23:18I was eligible
23:19for retirement
23:20three years ago.
23:22You know why I stayed?
23:24You learned to eat books?
23:28You're a horrible little boy.
23:30I kept this job
23:33for one reason.
23:34I knew I'd nail you
23:36and I did.
23:39Pat Garrett
23:40got Billy the Kid
23:42and I finally got you.
23:44my job is over.
23:47Today is my last day.
23:50You know, it's funny.
23:53I could have given you
23:54amnesty on the book.
23:55I would have
23:56for anybody else.
23:58But I always hated you.
24:04Is it wrong
24:05to hate a nine-year-old boy?
24:06No.
24:10Not when that boy is you.
24:13It's the joy of my life
24:15to see you grow up
24:16like I always knew you would.
24:19A total and complete loser.
24:23Today,
24:24when I get in my car
24:26and leave this place
24:28for the last time,
24:29I will be whole.
24:33Your shame
24:34is my gold watch.
24:35So you think
24:39I'm a loser?
24:42Just because
24:42I have a stinking job
24:44that I hate?
24:45A family
24:46that doesn't respect me?
24:48A whole city
24:49that curses
24:50the day I was born?
24:52Well, that may mean
24:53loser to you,
24:54but let me tell you something.
24:58Every morning
24:59when I wake up,
25:00I know it's not going
25:01to get any better
25:01until I go back
25:02to sleep again.
25:05So I get up,
25:07have my watered-down tang
25:09and still-frozen Pop-Tart,
25:11get in my car
25:13with no upholstery,
25:14no gas,
25:15and six more payments
25:16to fight traffic
25:18just for the privilege
25:19of putting cheap shoes
25:21on the cloven hooves
25:23of people like you.
25:24I'll never play football
25:28like I thought I would.
25:30I'll never know
25:31the touch
25:31of a beautiful woman.
25:34And I'll never again
25:35know the joy of driving
25:37without a bag
25:37on my head.
25:40But I'm not a loser,
25:42because despite it all,
25:45me and every other guy
25:47who will never be
25:48what he wanted to be
25:49are still out there
25:51being what we don't want to be
25:5340 hours a week for life.
25:57And the fact that I haven't
25:58put a gun in my mouth,
26:00you pudding of a woman,
26:02makes me a winner.
26:04No, Mr. Bundy,
26:18that's what makes you a loser.
26:20You see, you could have made
26:22something of your life,
26:24I suppose,
26:25but you never followed through.
26:28That's always been your problem.
26:31Like I always told you,
26:33make a promise,
26:34keep a promise.
26:36And maybe if you did that
26:38just once,
26:39you'd be a winner.
26:42Thank you, Mr. Groot.
26:45As a matter of fact,
26:46I'm going to start
26:47keeping promises right now.
26:49You won't.
26:51Yes, I will.
27:04Thanks, Mr. Skelly.
27:05Thank you, Mr. Cole.
27:06Thank you, Mr. Young.