Married With Children Season 2 Episode 19 Im-Po-Dent
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00:00Love and marriage, love and marriage
00:14Go together like a horse and carriage
00:19This I tell you, brother
00:23You can't have one without the other
00:29Love and marriage, love and marriage
00:35It's an institute you can't disparage
00:40Ask the local gentry
00:44And they will say it's elementary
00:49Try, try, try to separate them
00:56It's an illusion
00:59Try, try, try and you will only come
01:07To this conclusion
01:11Love and marriage
01:14Ugh, I'm starving
01:28Where's mom?
01:30I don't know
01:31Go out and play
01:34What are you hiding?
01:38Nothing
01:39You have food there
01:43I know it
01:44No, I don't
01:45Tang residue
01:49You glutton
01:53Hey, another great morning
01:57Didn't sleep at all last night
02:00With Steve's stupid car alarm going off
02:03Of course, then that wakes up your mother
02:05And I got to talk to her
02:06You almost lost your daddy last night, kids
02:12What are you hiding?
02:19Nothing
02:19Finished off the tang on me again, eh?
02:24Well, your dad still has a few tricks left
02:26And his tired old buddy
02:28Tang wipe
02:39Oh, good morning, everyone
02:47Boy, am I stuffed
02:50You know, you just gotta try that slam dunk breakfast at Kippy's
02:54Pancakes
02:55Bacon
02:56Sausage
02:57Eggs
02:58I finally had to say, stop
03:00I, I can't eat anymore
03:02Peg
03:05What do you do with all the money I give you for food?
03:09I just told you
03:11Peg, you wanna get that?
03:15It's probably the homeless on there
03:17It could be worse to her
03:19Hi
03:26I just stopped by to apologize
03:29If Steve's car alarm kept you up last night
03:32He's out of town
03:34And it's his first night away from his new Mercedes
03:36So he set his alarm on ultra-sensitive
03:39The slightest touch
03:40And it goes off all night
03:42Does it have a brother?
03:44Look, I'm sorry
03:49But you can't blame him
03:51It's a magnificent piece of machinery
03:54So how's it drive?
03:57How should I know?
03:58He won't let me near it
03:59Well, consider yourself lucky
04:02The thing you can't touch is in the garage
04:05Mine is in the bedroom
04:07Mom, Bud found a cornflake
04:12Between the refrigerator and the sink
04:14And he won't share
04:15Oh, this is ridiculous
04:19Come on, kids
04:21This may be against everything I believe in
04:23But I'm taking you out to breakfast
04:25All right
04:27Now, kids
04:27Now, when we get to the restaurant
04:29Something strange will happen
04:31A woman will bring you food
04:33Now, uh
04:33Don't be scared
04:38She's called a waitress
04:39It's just God's alternative to mommies
04:44Boy, squabbling over a meal
04:49Thank God Steve's a liberated man
04:51And cooks for me
04:52Why don't you cook for the family, Al?
04:56Mom
04:56No
04:57Please
04:57Do you remember last summer?
05:01Tortilla night
05:02And the resulting plumbing problem
05:04And I thought you loved us
05:07Come on
05:08I don't know why those tortillas exploded like that
05:13You know, sometimes I get so mad
05:19I could just kill that man
05:21I like to think that I am
05:23I meant Steve
05:26Peggy, when Al got his new car
05:29Did he let you drive it?
05:30A few times
05:32Once he had no brakes
05:34And someone had to take it to the mechanic
05:36Listen, Peggy
05:39Can I borrow your car?
05:40I need to go to the supermarket
05:41My car doesn't go there
05:44What's wrong with your car?
05:47It's in the shop
05:49Just take his car
05:51It's your car, too
05:53Look
05:54Don't let him start thinking
05:56He can have things of his own
05:57It's the road to ruin
05:59You know, it's taken me 16 years
06:02But I am proud to say
06:04That Al finally has nothing
06:07Just go for a ride in your Mercedes, Mars
06:13I don't know
06:15I'd have to change the seat in the mirrors
06:18It took him weeks to set them just right
06:21What do you care
06:23What do you care what he wants?
06:25Look
06:26Al doesn't like me blowing smoke in his eggs
06:28What am I supposed to do?
06:30Stop smoking?
06:35You're right
06:36Of course
06:38I'm taking his car for a drive
06:41You know what else I'm gonna do?
06:44I'm gonna change all the preset stations on his radio
06:47He's an idiot
06:49It is my car, too
06:51You know what else I'm gonna do?
06:54I'm gonna go in reverse
06:55Then shift into drive
06:57Without coming to a complete stop
06:59Oh, man
07:01Well, kids, that was food
07:12Could you get used to it?
07:15Oh, Dad
07:16It was cooked
07:18Yeah, pancakes are better like that, son
07:25Hey, Mom
07:29Tomorrow could you make us some waffles?
07:34Oh, no
07:37Oh, by the way, kids
07:42Any chance of you cleaning your rooms today?
07:48No
07:48Oh, hi, Mars
07:57How'd the Mercedes drive?
08:00You drove Steve's Mercedes?
08:02Where'd you hit?
08:02You know, Al
08:06This may surprise you
08:08But women today are race car drivers
08:11Pilots, astronauts
08:13Anything we want to be
08:14We're just as good as men
08:16What'd you hit?
08:19A fire hydrant
08:22What am I gonna do?
08:25Gee, I don't know
08:27You never should have driven his car
08:29Steve is gonna kill me
08:34I've tried everybody's shop in town
08:36And they can't fix it till next week
08:38Oh, why bother?
08:41I'll just tell Steve the truth
08:43He'll be so happy I wasn't hurt
08:45He'll throw his arms around me
08:47And forgive me
08:48Yeah, I'm going home right now
08:50So I can be their first thing
08:51To tell Steve when he walks in the door
08:53Would you like to hear what happened to me
08:57In the seventh grade?
09:01Go
09:02Home
09:03That's him
09:15Hide me, I'll pay you
09:17He's getting out
09:21He's paying
09:23Now he's going into the house
09:25Nope, nope, nope
09:26It's the garage
09:28The car's in there
09:29But he'll never see the den
09:31It's too dark
09:32Marcy!
09:38She's in here, Steve!
09:46Marcy!
09:48Oh, Steve, I'm sorry
09:50I'm so sorry
09:52You moved my seat
09:55Uh, yes I did
09:59I'm sorry
10:01I'm so sorry
10:03Oh, Steve, I missed you so much
10:07Let's never go home
10:08No, Marcy, let's not gloss over this
10:13You've done a terrible thing
10:15It took me weeks to get that seat the way I like it
10:17Took me almost as long as it took to properly adjust the mirrors and set my radio stations
10:23How long will it take you to adjust the fire hydrant shaped hole she put in the passenger side?
10:29Oops, I spoiled Marcy's surprise
10:38Al, did you have to tell him?
10:47You betcha
10:48Oh, it'll be okay
10:51Oh, it'll be okay
10:52It's just a dent
10:53Oh, what am I worried about?
11:01My Mercedes
11:03My baby
11:04Oh, he'll be fine
11:07See, whenever Steve goes away overnight
11:09He comes home consumed with passion
11:11So all I have to do is pretend that I am too
11:14He'll forget about that car
11:17And we won't make it out of the bedroom until Monday
11:19Gee, you know, the only time Al and I ever spent a weekend in the bedroom
11:24Is when we were hiding from the kids
11:27Because we forgot it was Christmas
11:29Ha, ha, ha
11:30Steve?
11:46Pumpkin?
11:47I'm going to be straightforward with you
11:55I drove your car
11:58Let's go to bed
11:59You're right
12:02I'll go home first
12:04I'll light the candles
12:06Put on my nightie
12:08And
12:08Brace myself
12:11Hey, let's stop in the garage
12:17You know, I haven't seen a good wreck
12:19Since I backed Al's car over our mailbox
12:22I mean, since Kelly did that
12:27My car
12:37She touched it
12:40Now it doesn't even feel like it's mine anymore
12:44Yeah, I know I feel the same way
12:47About several parts of my body
12:48Oh, what am I saying?
12:53The important thing is Marcy's okay
12:56I mean, it's just a car, right?
12:59Whoa!
13:00It cracks like an egg!
13:03You see, Al, there was no screaming over at Stephen Morrissey's last night
13:28But I do the smallest thing
13:30And you yell at me for months
13:32No smoked toast?
13:42Well, Steve forgave me
13:45He's the most wonderful man in the world
13:49Why can't you be more like Steve?
13:54And Steve's impotent
13:56My God
14:06Al, you are like Steve
14:09Oh, Marcy
14:17It's only one night
14:19Give it a reasonable period of time
14:22You know, back in 74
14:24I thought Al had that problem
14:26But by 79
14:28It cleared up fine
14:29But Steve is Mr. Ever Ready
14:35And we tried six times last night
14:43Six times in one night?
14:48Did you hear that, Al?
14:51Hey, give me some credit
14:52I could fail six times, too
14:54But Steve never failed before
14:58Let's get to the bottom of this
15:01The first time you tried
15:03Was the light on?
15:07Yes
15:07There you go
15:08He saw you
15:09If that's Steve
15:15Please don't tell him you know about his problem
15:19Hey, buddy, what's up?
15:26Oops
15:26I, uh, hope we didn't keep you up last night
15:37Oh, dear
15:40What's that in your pocket?
15:44My car keys
15:45What's the matter?
15:54I was probably, uh
15:55Overcome by the, uh
15:57Six times
15:59We did it last night
16:00Oh, no
16:01Yeah, Steve
16:05You're a real stallion
16:06Listen, let's say
16:11We go down to the ice cream shop
16:13And get a, uh
16:14Softie
16:15I can't believe you told him
16:25I'm sorry
16:28It's just that you were once a mighty oak
16:32And now
16:34A hanging vine
16:36Uh, excuse me
16:44I don't want to talk about this anymore
16:46This is a temporary thing
16:48Due to overwork
16:50Stress
16:51Or
16:52Or, uh
16:53Overuse
16:54I'm not worried at all
16:56I'm gonna go out
16:59Pump some iron
17:01Toss football
17:02Let the girls see what they can't have
17:04I mean, cause I'm married
17:07I mean, cause I'm married
17:07Not because I can't
17:12Cause I can't
17:16He can't, you know
17:19Oh, Peggy
17:21What can I do to make him the sexual beast he was?
17:26How would I know?
17:27There must be somebody I can talk to
17:32Uh, him
17:34Anybody
17:36Uh, him
17:38Oh, God, no
17:43Well, he has been there
17:46Peggy, would you excuse us?
17:50I'm about to humiliate myself
17:51And I would prefer no witnesses
17:53Sure, Marcy
17:55I understand
17:57And you're doing the right thing
17:58If you want to know about a hanging vine
18:01Come to a withered birch
18:03Take it away, Al
18:07Uh, Marcy
18:13What can I do for you?
18:17I need to know how to turn a man on
18:20Well
18:21I'm not a plastic surgeon
18:23But I'll do what I can
18:24See, Marcy
18:31You touched Steve's car
18:34Now
18:34What did Steve ask you not to do?
18:37Touch his car
18:39What did you do?
18:41Touched his car
18:42I can't hear you
18:43I touched his car, so what?
18:46What?
18:48So you disobeyed a man
18:50Which means you weren't doing your job as a woman
18:53See, the thing is
18:58Women don't understand that men don't really need them
19:03See, if you want to talk to someone
19:07You talk to the guys
19:08If you want to have some fun
19:10You go with the guys
19:11You want sex
19:12You reminisce with the guys
19:15Now let's get back to women
19:19What are they for?
19:21The two C's
19:22Cooking
19:23Kitchen
19:25Al, I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk
19:33Good day, Marcy
19:39I'm sorry, I'm sorry
19:41Go on
19:42Very well
19:43So we've established that we don't need you
19:48Now
19:49Let's ask ourselves
19:52What the heck do we keep you around for?
19:57It's because we're optimists
19:59We believe that you can change
20:02The world-renowned social scientist
20:05Mr. Hugh Hefner
20:06Has made great strides in that area
20:12Get to it, Java man
20:15Very well
20:18Marcy, your problem is
20:20You're not servile enough
20:22So young lady, if you want to save your marriage
20:26You're going to have to learn to compromise a little bit
20:28Put down that briefcase
20:30Pick up a dishrag
20:32And
20:32Be a woman
20:34Al, I can only say this
20:38There may be something alive with fewer brain cells than you
20:42But whatever it is
20:46Wherever it is
20:47I'm sure its name is Bundy
20:49You should be on all fours
20:54Pulling a wagon full of borax across the desert
20:57Your compost
21:01Your phlegm
21:03You are a true pork product
21:06You gonna take my advice?
21:11Yes
21:11Thank you, Al, for your time and help
21:16Pig
21:24Feel good?
21:28Mmm, yes
21:29But that's really not necessary
21:31No
21:32I want to
21:34It's just that I feel uncomfortable having you do that
21:40Want me to stop?
21:41No
21:42Great
21:45Mmm
21:46The potatoes are a little bland
21:49Where's the salt?
21:50Didn't I bring it up on one of my six trips?
21:56No
21:56But I
21:58Guess I don't really
22:00Need it
22:02Never mind
22:04I'll get it
22:05No trouble at all
22:06No
22:12No
22:26No
22:29No
22:30Mmm.
22:37Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
22:41Thanks, dear.
22:42You're a good wife.
22:44Oh.
22:46Thank you, darling.
22:49What would you like to do now?
22:52Want to talk?
22:53Sure.
22:54I had the most interesting day at work on Friday.
22:58Hmm.
23:00I vacuumed today.
23:03Really?
23:04What else did you do?
23:06Well, I took a toothbrush to the grout in the bathroom tile and scrubbed out all the stains.
23:12It was kind of therapeutic after relining your blazers.
23:19Hmm.
23:20Oh, Marcy, could you turn up the heat?
23:24Just one degree.
23:27Sure.
23:28No trouble at all.
23:30And if you're still cold, I could strap you to the radiator, spread evil.
23:41Comfy?
23:43Eh.
23:43What would you like for dinner tomorrow?
23:48Oh, I don't know.
23:50Something simple.
23:53How about beef wellington and baked Alaska?
23:56On a work night?
23:58I mean, I guess I could get up early and go to the market before work, and then come home
24:05at lunch and grind the goose liver, separate the eggs, and make the pastry dough.
24:09Oh, I should be able to have it on the table by eight.
24:11Oh, I don't like to eat that late.
24:16Then I just won't sleep.
24:19I'm sure it's no trouble.
24:20Oh, I love to cook.
24:29Oh, Marcy.
24:31Hmm.
24:32And I love to clean.
24:34Oh, Marcy.
24:37And I'll never touch your car again.
24:40Oh, Marcy.
24:43Hmm.
24:44Hmm.
24:44Oh, Steve.
24:49Oh, Steve!
24:55And tonight, she's making me beef wellington and baked Alaska.
25:00Boy, I wish I had a wife.
25:07Steve, I'm having some problems with the baked Alaska.
25:11I got plain vanilla ice cream instead of French vanilla.
25:17That's okay.
25:20Never mind.
25:21I'll get it.
25:22It's just that my car is still in the shop.
25:25Can I use your...
25:27Never mind.
25:31I'll walk.
25:33A brisk four-mile jaunt should do me good.
25:37Oh, did I mention I want a whipped cream?
25:43Oh, well.
25:44I'll send her back out.
25:49Al, I don't know how I can ever thank you.
25:53This impotence scheme of yours has given me a wife I never even dreamed existed.
25:59I got to tell you, though, it was rough faking failure.
26:14But thanks for the advice.
26:17Trying to figure out why Bruce Willis is a star really helped.
26:21I get plenty of them.
26:27Uh, did you do the salt bit?
26:30Yep.
26:30The thermostat?
26:32One degree.
26:34Nice twist.
26:36How long do you think I can play this thing out?
26:39Until you get the car fixed.
26:41When are you going to take it in?
26:42A couple of weeks.
26:43Hell, maybe not for a couple of months.
26:48After all, the dent's not even on the driver's side.
26:51Next up.