Have.I.Got.a.Bit.More.News.for.You.S69E05
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00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Sue Perkins and in the news this week,
00:42at a palace reception, one footman is guaranteed promotion
00:46after smuggling in some neat gin.
00:57Arriving home from his local branch of B&Q,
00:59a stockport man realises he's made that classic mistake
01:02of leaving something on the roof and driving off.
01:11And in Leicester Square, a very thoughtful new conceptual artwork
01:16depicts the special relationship between Sir Keir Starmer
01:19and Donald Trump.
01:20APPLAUSE
01:21On Ian's team tonight is an American comedian who, in 2018,
01:37was strongly criticised for her Donald Trump jokes
01:40at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
01:42Good job she didn't do it this year,
01:44as she'd now be doing this show from a maximum security mega-prison
01:46in Al Salvador. Please welcome the wonderful Michelle Wolfe.
01:49APPLAUSE
01:51And on Paul's team tonight, a journalist for The Times,
02:00who recently claimed that the BBC is never happier
02:02than when in self-flagellation mode.
02:05Can you blame us? We're awful.
02:06This set alone cost billions. What a waste!
02:09Please welcome Tom Peck.
02:13APPLAUSE
02:14So, we shall begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:23Now, Ian and Michelle, here's yours.
02:26That's Mark Carney, who's won.
02:29Have I got moose for you?
02:31LAUGHTER
02:31And that's the real winner of the election,
02:33who swung it for Canada.
02:35Are you pleased, Michelle?
02:37Oh, I think Canada, who I've never actually particularly liked.
02:42Oh!
02:43I love now. Yeah.
02:45Mark Carney, he used to be a banker.
02:48Yes.
02:48And I feel like this is the first time ever
02:51that a banker isn't the villain.
02:55Well, we've got some form with Mark Carney,
02:57cos he was in charge of the Bank of England.
02:59Yes.
03:00And according to Liz Truss,
03:01he was personally responsible for the economy collapsing.
03:04You nailed it, because that was indeed
03:07Donald Trump unwittingly having an influence
03:09on the Canadian general election.
03:10You can't use those words together,
03:12Donald Trump unwittingly.
03:14It's an oxymoron without the oxy.
03:17LAUGHTER
03:18The pro-Trump Conservative candidate
03:21lost a 25-point lead,
03:24and that handed victory, of course,
03:25to the Liberal Party leader, Mark Carney.
03:28Well, it is an object lesson.
03:30Populists are not always popular,
03:31which is a great ray of sunshine in the world.
03:35It doesn't really go well with people on the whole
03:37when you tell them,
03:38you're going to take over their country.
03:40That tends to make people who say,
03:42no, you're not, really popular.
03:44I do like that Trump is a...
03:47I hope I'm not speaking out of turn.
03:49Not the most attractive man.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:53And I think Mark Carney is a bit attractive,
03:58and it's nice to have someone
04:00who's not bad to look at in politics again.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:04It's such a low bar, isn't it?
04:10LAUGHTER
04:11Mark Carney expressed his delight at his victory in French.
04:15Does anybody know what he said?
04:16The French do.
04:17I would argue it was Canadian French,
04:22just for any French people out there.
04:23Sort of Quebecois.
04:25Yeah, because most French people are like,
04:26that's not French.
04:28But the French are very understanding.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33He said, um...
04:35Bonsoir.
04:35Oh, quel bonsoir.
04:37Classic Del Boy French, that.
04:39LAUGHTER
04:40Some hard-fought contests in this election, actually.
04:43Did you see who the Green Party leader had to beat
04:46to win the seat of the Saanich Gulf Islands?
04:49No, we didn't.
04:51All right, let's have a look.
04:53There you go.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56You see, he's a good-looking man.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:01He may have lost to the Greens,
05:03but look, he wiped the floor with Colin Plant.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:07Ironically not agreeing with that name.
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10So, my favourite result was, however, here.
05:13This, of course, is the result for
05:15Cote-de-Sud-Rivière-de-Loup-Catascomique-Temisquata.
05:21Yes.
05:22Now, none of us know whether that's right or not.
05:24LAUGHTER
05:25Yeah.
05:26I think it's the French bit of Canada, that bit.
05:29I hope they don't have an ice hockey team.
05:30Give us a C!
05:32LAUGHTER
05:33So, you are, I presume, all familiar
05:35with Donald Trump's YMCA dance.
05:38Yes. Oh, yes.
05:38Have you seen that?
05:39Yeah, it looks like he's grabbing an imaginary penis
05:42in both hands and just...
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44I always just thought he looked like
05:47he was drying himself with a towel.
05:49Oh, that?
05:50Yeah.
05:50Yes, he does, but you're right, he does do.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53Yes, you're right, it is much more like,
05:55what have I been doing?
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58It's clearly not his penis,
06:00cos they would have to be...
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02APPLAUSE
06:04Well, to be fair, if he's getting it up that high,
06:08I think he should get a round of applause.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:10Do you want to see Mark Carney celebrating how he danced?
06:14Yeah.
06:15Yes. Let's have a look.
06:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, I see it, whoa, whoa,
06:20I need it, whoa, whoa,
06:23You say whoa, don't you see it, whoa...
06:26LAUGHTER
06:27I saw that footage of him dancing and I thought,
06:29actually, that guy's pretty cool,
06:30and then I realised it's definitely all over for me.
06:32LAUGHTER
06:34Do you Americans make jokes about the Canadians?
06:36Do you have any standards, sort of...?
06:38I mean, to be honest, it's really going to sound like
06:40I'm piling on Canada, but we don't think about it too much.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44Have you heard the Canadian lobster joke?
06:46No.
06:47A man goes into a seafood restaurant
06:49and there are two tanks full of lobsters.
06:52He's told by the waiter that the tank of American lobsters
06:54has a lid on it because they're always trying to
06:57fight their way out to freedom.
06:59The tank of Canadian lobsters doesn't need a lid
07:01because as soon as one lobster tries to climb out,
07:03the others all put him back in.
07:05That's a Canadian joke.
07:07LAUGHTER
07:07I'm so sorry, he needs a captivated polter.
07:10Help, I'm being held captive in a TV studio.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:15I've been asked to read the order queue against my will.
07:19LAUGHTER
07:19I should never have left British Bake Off.
07:23LAUGHTER
07:23That'll teach you.
07:31That will teach me.
07:33How has Donald Trump been celebrating his first 100 days?
07:37By lying for his teeth.
07:39And telling people how wonderful it is.
07:41And when the stock market was doing really well last year,
07:43when Biden was president,
07:44he claimed it was Trump's own sort of credit
07:46because people knew he was going to become president.
07:48And now that it's tanking, he's saying it's Biden's fault.
07:50Exactly that.
07:51I just don't get why he has to make this stuff up, right?
07:54100 days in, look at the weather.
07:56Absolutely glory.
07:58100 days ago, freeze him.
08:00Yeah.
08:01No-one gives him any credit.
08:02No.
08:03Fake news media.
08:04He's made the weather great again.
08:05Absolutely.
08:06LAUGHTER
08:07Particularly nice to say it's the worst 100 days
08:11for any president ever,
08:13and he's also been president before.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:16He's out Trump Trump.
08:19Yeah.
08:20What did he spend a quarter of his time doing in the 100 days?
08:22Playing golf.
08:23Yes, playing golf.
08:24Exactly right.
08:24He played golf for 24 days out of 100.
08:27Oh, I was going to say spending time with his children,
08:29who he loves so much.
08:32Sorry, Eric.
08:33Eric makes me sad to look at.
08:35He really does, yeah.
08:37You can tell in his face that he's never been hugged.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:41His eyes are like a whirlpool of misery.
08:45Captivating.
08:46LAUGHTER
08:47He has very recently signed something.
08:51I'm talking the minerals deal, so he's just...
08:53Oh, yes, with Ukraine, yes.
08:54He's just signed that.
08:55And again, I mean, this was a deal which he told us a great deal
08:58about beforehand, and then when it actually appeared,
09:00it's not quite what he said.
09:02He said, well, Ukraine is going to have to pay back
09:04all the billions we've given them to defend themselves,
09:08and actually, that's not what's going to happen.
09:11Yes, the other day he boasted that he'd made over 200 deals
09:14with other countries in the world,
09:15but there are only 196 countries in the world.
09:18LAUGHTER
09:18So he's made the deal four times with one country,
09:21which he shouldn't have bothered.
09:22Maybe it's the one with the penguins.
09:23Yeah.
09:24Let's have a look at him at the Pope's funeral.
09:27Perhaps he was discussing mineral deals here.
09:30There he is.
09:31It's a respectful thing to do, isn't it?
09:32Just pull up a chair in an old basilica somewhere
09:35and just natter about minerals.
09:38I think that was the moment where he had a divine revelation.
09:41He suddenly realised that Putin might be what we call bad.
09:46I'm just surprised, because he did say that he was going to stop
09:49this war between Ukraine and Russia, I think,
09:52before he even got in office.
09:53Yeah.
09:54Yeah, but look at the weather.
09:55Yeah.
09:57Ukraine supplies 5% of the world's minerals,
10:01and you can find the other 95% at Holland and Barrett.
10:04It's not his fault, OK?
10:14So who's he blaming?
10:15Oh, fake polls and fake news.
10:16Yeah, the polls are fake.
10:18And news.
10:18Any particular outlets we think that he's targeting?
10:20Is it all of them?
10:22Yes, it's all of them.
10:23New York Times, Washington Post, ABC News,
10:26and even now Fox News.
10:28This is what he wrote on Truth Social.
10:31These people should be investigated for election fraud.
10:33They are negative criminals.
10:36They are sick and are truly the enemy of the people.
10:39I wish them well.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:42What did he say about running for a third term recently?
10:48Well, he's not running for anything.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:51He hasn't ruled it out, is what he said, isn't he?
10:55Yeah.
10:55He absolutely has not ruled it out.
10:57He said,
10:58that would be a big shattering.
11:00I doubt he's had one of those for a while.
11:03LAUGHTER
11:04What with that diet.
11:07What new product have the Chinese been manufacturing
11:09since the US trade war began?
11:12Glee.
11:13LAUGHTER
11:13Now, their human rights card is far from blemish-free,
11:18but I'm rooting for China?
11:22I'm not going to go that far.
11:24LAUGHTER
11:24I'm just going to keep my powder dry on China for a bit.
11:28That's all right.
11:29They invented it.
11:30Yes, they did.
11:32Hey!
11:33Historical joke, topical show.
11:35What do we think?
11:37I'll give you a clue.
11:38It's scatological in nature.
11:40What have they invented?
11:42My daughter's got a remote-controlled poo.
11:43She's got remote-controlled poo?
11:45Yeah, it's sort of like a little poo emoji
11:47that you drive around the front room.
11:49I assume that...
11:50LAUGHTER
11:51They must come from China.
11:53This must be an opportunity to make more.
11:55Is it not from Thames Water?
11:56LAUGHTER
11:57LAUGHTER
11:58APPLAUSE
11:59APPLAUSE
12:00They have made this rather alarming toilet brush.
12:08LAUGHTER
12:09He may be faring badly with the electorate,
12:14but he's still connecting with a few floaters.
12:18Keir Starmer seems to be much more keen on appeasing Trump.
12:21What is the latest bit of toadying?
12:23We're going to give him a golf tournament.
12:26Yes, he's trying to persuade the organisers of the Open Golf Tournament
12:28to hold the event at one of Trump's golf courses.
12:31Yes.
12:31And then let Trump enter and win.
12:34Possibly.
12:35And then he can wear a green jacket and say,
12:39I'm king of the world.
12:41Trump Turnberry, where he held a press conference
12:43on June 24th, 2016, a fair while ago now,
12:46but since then has said countless times that he flew to the UK
12:49the day before Brexit, predicted it was going to happen
12:52and he took a lot of heat, but he was right.
12:54He said that to a press conference full of journalists,
12:56but nobody pointed out to him,
12:57we were all there, mate, it was the day after.
13:02Fake news, fake news.
13:05If you remember, Donald Trump was given
13:07a really sensational welcome on his first visit
13:10to Turnberry by the late comedian Janie Godley.
13:14This is the news that Canada, for so long the bus of jokes
13:26for being incredibly dull and boring,
13:28has now chosen to be run by a bank manager.
13:32Meanwhile, Donald Trump was initially reluctant to sign a deal
13:36that only gave him access to Ukraine's titanium and lithium.
13:39In the end, he only agreed when Zelensky threw in their entire deposits
13:43of made-upium and unobtainium.
13:47According to the Daily Mail, Donald Trump may become
13:49the fifth president to have his face carved on Mount Rushmore.
13:53Though to get the colour right, they really should do it in Australia.
13:56Donald Trump told reporters,
14:01I'd like to be Pope.
14:03Oh, my God.
14:04Well, he does tick some of the boxes.
14:06He thinks he's infallible.
14:07He believes he was chosen by God.
14:09He's really comfortable around sexual predators.
14:12Paul and Tom, here are yours, my lovelies.
14:21Yes.
14:22This is a...
14:23Oh, the lights have gone out.
14:24So, this must be Spain and Portugal.
14:26There's a man directing traffic by everybody ignoring him.
14:29And this is when the lights probably came back on again.
14:31Is it? No, it isn't.
14:32Oh, it is dark again.
14:33There they are.
14:34Yeah, Spain and Portugal, they had a massive power cut, didn't they?
14:38It's the whole of Spain just powering down for the afternoon.
14:40I've heard of it, I've never seen the pictures.
14:42It's really incredible.
14:44It is the news that a massive power usage caused chaos
14:46for millions of people in Spain and Portugal,
14:48transport badly affected, one high-speed train
14:50between Seville and Barcelona stopped in the middle of nowhere
14:53and, according to the Times, passengers reported being stationary
14:56for two and a half hours with no Wi-Fi or air conditioning,
15:00plus the toilets stopped working.
15:02It's hard to imagine, isn't it?
15:04LAUGHTER
15:05What, just two apps?
15:11Perhaps the most disturbing sign of societal breakdown,
15:15drivers moved uncharacteristically cautiously.
15:19Stopping courteously for pedestrians.
15:24As well as traffic chaos, computer screens died,
15:27water wasn't coming out of taps, mobile phone networks went down
15:29and, scarily, for those trapped inside, lifts stop working
15:33and all the lights went out.
15:35So here's a footage that was sent in to us by one person
15:38who had the experience of being trapped in a lift in Barcelona.
15:42LAUGHTER
15:44Thank you for sharing.
15:48Mail Online leapt into action at this moment
15:50and they sent an urgent call-out to any Brits in Spain
15:53without electricity or mobile phone signal.
15:56Has your holiday been affected?
15:59LAUGHTER
16:00Get in touch.
16:01What?
16:02How?
16:03LAUGHTER
16:04During the 13 hours of ensuing confusion,
16:07what unexpectedly became king?
16:10Candles.
16:11Cash.
16:12Candles had a high value.
16:13Yes.
16:14But cash indeed became king.
16:15Card machines and tills would not work,
16:17so only cash payments were possible.
16:19According to The Guardian,
16:20Zara shut its flagship store in Madrid,
16:23bringing a halt to the panic buying of ruffled crop tops.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:29How did British holidaymakers in Benidorm cope?
16:32Well, they were already blacked out.
16:34LAUGHTER
16:36Well, you're pretty much right, actually.
16:38Charlie Robb was enjoying a beer with mates in Benidorm
16:41when all the power went off.
16:42He told The Sun they just carried on regardless.
16:45We only gave up when it got so dark
16:47we couldn't see what we were drinking.
16:50LAUGHTER
16:52They should have had a Bud Light.
16:54Oh!
16:55Do you know, I'm a real twat,
16:56because he might have been from Totnes.
16:58Yeah.
16:59LAUGHTER
17:00Wasn't that from Totnes?
17:02It sounded like a real working-class person to me.
17:05LAUGHTER
17:07He kept drinking until he got dark.
17:10LAUGHTER
17:12That's much more authentic.
17:14To be honest, I've drunk in total darkness.
17:16It doesn't matter what you're drinking.
17:18Just grab onto it and neck it.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:22And that's what I said to the arresting officer.
17:25LAUGHTER
17:27I personally love that Spain was like,
17:30we don't really know what happened.
17:32Mm.
17:33And then Portugal goes,
17:34it was Spain!
17:35LAUGHTER
17:37The overriding conspiracy theory here
17:40was that the power cut was caused by Ursula von der Leyen
17:44feeding it to her Illuminati chums.
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47Here she is.
17:48Please activate the connection.
17:55LAUGHTER
17:56Wow.
17:57The return of Kraftwerk.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:02That was actually the EU changing its energy supply
18:04from Russia to the Baltics.
18:05But they did try and blame it on net zero.
18:07And all the papers said, you know,
18:09this just shows that Britain should not rely
18:11on solar power or alternatives,
18:14and net zero is a disaster.
18:16Because look at Spain.
18:17I think the most impressive thing about the whole ordeal
18:21was that Spain, they got it fixed in a day.
18:25And I've never seen anyone in Spain work that hard.
18:28LAUGHTER
18:34A British audience clapping uncertainly.
18:36LAUGHTER
18:38So, power-up for 13 hours.
18:39If it happened in the UK,
18:41it's thought that restoring it could take how long?
18:44Is it longer than HS2?
18:47Nothing's longer than HS2.
18:48Five to seven days.
18:50Is this the same thing that happened to M&S yesterday?
18:53It's...
18:54Yes, I mean, they...
18:55It was not a similar thing.
18:56Because that was a serious...
18:57I'm quite interested in this story, but...
18:58LAUGHTER
18:59I mean, there were no tomatoes.
19:00LAUGHTER
19:01We'll get to...
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03We're going to get to your particular peccadillos
19:05and tomatoes.
19:06No, I'm just saying,
19:07there are serious things happening in the world.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:10What's an essential item to have when the power goes?
19:12Tomorrow!
19:14LAUGHTER
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16No, the audio medium.
19:18Radio?
19:19Indeed, yeah.
19:20Yes.
19:21They're saying that an essential thing would be a wind-up
19:22or a battery.
19:23Oh, yes, you used to get those wind-up radios, didn't you?
19:24Yeah, and that would be the perfect thing
19:26so you could tune in to your local radio station, hear what the news is
19:29and, when you've listened to that for a couple of hours, a gun.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:35Wind-up radio would be such a good name for a right-wing radio station.
19:38LAUGHTER
19:40You're listening to wind-up radio.
19:42Oh!
19:43It makes me hypertensive just thinking about it.
19:45I can hear the shock jock in my head.
19:47He popped up to offer some encouraging words on renewable energy.
19:50Oh, this was Sir Tony Blair.
19:52It was, it was.
19:53He returned to intervene in the debate.
19:55Mm.
19:56And he told the Labour government
19:57that they shouldn't bother with net zero,
19:59because it's unpopular and it's very difficult
20:01and they should calm it down a bit.
20:03And the fact that the Tony Blair Institute is very close
20:06and takes a lot of funds from the Saudi Arabian government,
20:09one of the world's biggest oil producers,
20:12probably didn't affect his judgement in the slightest, I would guess.
20:17APPLAUSE
20:19I think he said the rush to net zero is irrational,
20:25and in fairness to him, if there's anyone who knows a lot
20:28about irrationally rushing into something...
20:31LAUGHTER
20:32..he has every right to speak.
20:34Who else suffered the outage, Ian?
20:35Marks and Spencer's.
20:36Correct, yes, it was, yeah.
20:38And what particular vegetable was unavailable?
20:40LAUGHTER
20:41Well, it could be classed as a fruit, but I'd say...
20:44LAUGHTER
20:49A boring answer, then, this country would be fine,
20:51because all of our tomatoes are grown with gas.
20:53They're in massive greenhouses in Kent,
20:55they're powered by gas-fired boilers,
20:57and all of the leftover gas is thrown into the greenhouse
21:00because plants love carbon dioxide.
21:02They're all gas-grown.
21:03I don't like the idea of gaseous tomatoes, do you?
21:06LAUGHTER
21:07I don't mind, just any would have been good.
21:10LAUGHTER
21:12Someone was trying to ransom them.
21:14Is it called ransomware? Malware?
21:16Clothes wear leisure wear.
21:18LAUGHTER
21:20You ruin someone's IT system and then you say,
21:22I'll fix it for you, and then you pay.
21:24And then when I said no...
21:26But you paid.
21:27Oh, I'd have paid whatever the ransom...
21:29LAUGHTER
21:30Does anyone know how hackers get through a door
21:32that requires a passcode?
21:34An axe.
21:35That would do it.
21:36I mean, there's no question.
21:37I would just carry a bunch of stuff and be like,
21:39can someone...?
21:41LAUGHTER
21:42And that is exactly the right answer.
21:44Is it?
21:45Yes.
21:46The best way is to walk up to a door with two full cups of coffee
21:49and just wait for someone to open it
21:51and they'll usher you through.
21:53LAUGHTER
21:54A door like that at the House of Commons,
21:55whereby you can hold it open for someone,
21:57but you're not meant to.
21:58And then, after an election, it's a bit nerve-wracking
22:00because you look at the guy coming behind you and you're like...
22:02Do I ask that guy if I know who he is?
22:04Because I'm pretty sure he might be the Chancellor of the Exchange.
22:07LAUGHTER
22:09This is the blackout in Spain.
22:10During the blackout, traffic lights stopped working,
22:12confusing cyclists who suddenly found themselves
22:15with no red lights to ignore.
22:18LAUGHTER
22:19Supermarkets in Madrid soon found their shelves emptied,
22:22meaning many Spanish families had to resort to eating nothing
22:25but tiny plates featuring a random selection of cold meats, olives,
22:31lumps of bread and small pieces of cheese.
22:35LAUGHTER
22:36The end of the blackout was greeted in various ways.
22:38According to BBC News, one man started cheering
22:40when the washing machine came on again.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:43He then excitedly called his wife through to empty it.
22:46LAUGHTER
22:47Time now for round two, the strength-o-meter of news.
22:51So, fingers on, brothers, my lovelies.
22:53Right.
22:54Ooh!
22:59Is this fly-tipping?
23:01It is fly-tipping, yes.
23:03Because apart from tomatoes, fly-tipping really annoys me.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:07Keir Starmer's made a big threat, hasn't he?
23:09He has.
23:10Do you want to see what Keir Starmer's actual tweet said?
23:12Yeah, because it's tough.
23:13Here it is.
23:14This is a message to the fly-tippers blighting our towns and villages.
23:18For too long your actions have gone unpunished.
23:21That ends now.
23:23We'll use drones and new tech to identify your vehicle.
23:26Then we'll crush it.
23:28LAUGHTER
23:29And I will have my revenge in this life or the next.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:35Meanwhile, in Gaza...
23:37LAUGHTER
23:40So, what is so special? We saw a sofa there.
23:42What's so special about that sofa?
23:44It's very big and it must have been a hell of a big vehicle
23:46to dump it in Gloucester.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:49Well, it was tipped on a bit of wasteland,
23:50just off the B4234, the village of Lydbrook.
23:53Mm-hm.
23:54And since April, it's been attracting tourists.
23:56Here is the sofa.
23:57LAUGHTER
23:58It became such a popular spot for locals,
24:00they kept adding more to it, including a coffee table,
24:03a hat stand, a lampshade...
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06..and a potted plant.
24:07And an old lady.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:10And there's a character called Tumpsy.
24:11Who's Tumpsy and what's he got to do with it?
24:13Is he a local artist?
24:14Yes.
24:15He's a local artist?
24:16Yes.
24:17Yes.
24:18I think he's sort of like, I've gathered more and more items
24:20and people are now sort of like, they're all turning up,
24:22you know, cheerleaders are turning up in groups
24:24to have their photographs taken.
24:25That is exactly right.
24:26For those who don't know Tumpsy,
24:28he was behind a rash of googly eyes popping up
24:32all over the village a couple of years ago,
24:34which was not as bad as the rash that went round the village
24:37the year previous.
24:38Do you want to see his work?
24:40Yes, please.
24:41Yeah.
24:42Well, here it is.
24:43LAUGHTER
24:45Oh, nice. Tumpsy's had his fun.
24:48Now they're going to find him and crush him.
24:51LAUGHTER
24:52This is the news that a fly-tipped sofa in Gloucestershire
24:55became a tourist attraction.
24:57Photographer Alex Elton-Wall has now taken over 170 portraits
25:00of local residents sitting on the abandoned sofa.
25:03So they now all have a permanent souvenir, as well as fleas.
25:06Whoever done the sofa has done it at the perfect time,
25:10because I do believe, I might be wrong,
25:12that this very week DFS are having a sale...
25:16LAUGHTER
25:17..which must end soon.
25:19LAUGHTER
25:20Fingers on buzzers, teams, here we go.
25:23It's hammer time.
25:25BUZZER
25:27Local elections.
25:28There's going to be local elections today, which is Friday.
25:31They were yesterday, which was Thursday.
25:33LAUGHTER
25:35Correct, you're all over it.
25:36We know the results, but it'd be rude to talk about them.
25:39Really rude.
25:40Really rude.
25:41LAUGHTER
25:42I said that absolutely anything could happen, and it did.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:47I noticed that dog has got the word friendly written on his lead.
25:50Yes.
25:51Are you convinced?
25:52Well...
25:53LAUGHTER
25:56To be clear, we're recording this on a Thursday,
25:57we don't know what the results are.
25:59What did election guru Sir John Curtis say was unusual about
26:02these particular local elections?
26:04Er...
26:05Any one of five parties could win?
26:07Yes, exactly.
26:08It's a five-way race.
26:09Yes, it's a five-way race.
26:10And in a historic shift, less than half of the voters were
26:12planning to vote for the traditional two parties,
26:14Labour and the Tories.
26:16He said that Labour's support had fallen faster than any previous
26:18newly elected government, and that reform had murdered the Tories,
26:22allowing the Lib Dems to slip through.
26:25Did he want to see Lib Dems slipping through?
26:28Yes, please.
26:29LAUGHTER
26:30Here you go.
26:31Whoa!
26:32Whoa!
26:33What name were people giving to a possible reform landslide?
26:36Reform-ageddon.
26:38Is it?
26:39According to the Sun, it was called the Reform Quake.
26:42Oh, nice.
26:43That's the best they could come up with.
26:45Yeah.
26:46What about the Reformation?
26:47Reformation's much better, yeah.
26:49Yeah, thank you.
26:50If only I had a job.
26:52LAUGHTER
26:53You can go and work for the Sun with a headliner.
26:55Are you serious, Ian?
26:56Who's going to give you a job?
26:57LAUGHTER
26:58Well, you got one as Pope.
27:00LAUGHTER
27:02It's not been announced.
27:04You've got to wait for the smoke, haven't you?
27:06Yes, sir.
27:07Come on.
27:08LAUGHTER
27:09Probably safe to say, even with no knowledge whatsoever,
27:13Labour have probably had a terrible night of it.
27:15Ron Corn and Hellsby held a by-election after former Labour MP,
27:19Mike Ainsbury thumped one of his constituents in an argument
27:23about a bridge.
27:25What's the interesting thing about Ron Corn?
27:27It doesn't have any bridges.
27:29LAUGHTER
27:30It was recently voted Britain's most boring place to live.
27:34You go for a quiet beer and you get punched in the face by your MP.
27:37What's boring about that?
27:38LAUGHTER
27:40Although the Telegraph, in reaction to that, did point out the town
27:43was once a centre of mustard gas production.
27:46LAUGHTER
27:48It's also probably safe to say the Tories had a bad night.
27:51Does anyone know the sign that their heart wasn't really in it?
27:55Was their campaign manager went abroad?
27:58That's exactly right.
27:59Do you know...
28:00This is Baroness McLean.
28:01Do you know where she went?
28:02Was it Finland?
28:03The Himalayas.
28:04LAUGHTER
28:07How did Tory MP Andrew Mitchell try and boost morale in the run-up?
28:11Did he sing?
28:12Did he have a video where he was singing and dancing?
28:14No, he spoke a bit of Latin and swore a bit.
28:16Oh, OK.
28:17Yeah.
28:18He said, pro bono publico, don't bloody panic-o.
28:20LAUGHTER
28:21So, pro bono publico, Ian, how would you translate that?
28:24It means that the lead singer of you two runs a pub.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:35You weren't interested in the real answer, were you?
28:37No.
28:38Go on, tell me, tell me.
28:39Come on, fuck me up.
28:40LAUGHTER
28:41The good of the public, don't panic.
28:43And the idea that the Conservative MP is talking about the public good
28:46is odd.
28:47LAUGHTER
28:49Sorry, that's bias.
28:51Well, he was actually quoting an old Tory MP called Rear Admiral
28:56Sir Morgan Morgan Giles.
28:58LAUGHTER
28:59He'd obviously done something to upset his parents.
29:01Yes.
29:02Or when he was christened, the priest had a stutter.
29:04LAUGHTER
29:05Is it over for Kemi Badenoch?
29:07Yeah.
29:08Correct.
29:09LAUGHTER
29:10I like this idea that they're talking about potentially doing
29:12a pact, like a Tory reform pact.
29:15A Tory reform pact.
29:16They won't quite say if it's going to happen, how it will work.
29:19But the Tories have got one party and they change leader every ten minutes.
29:23Farage, one leader, the party changes every ten minutes.
29:27LAUGHTER
29:28They could come together.
29:29They could be like the trigger's broom of politics.
29:32There's nothing they couldn't do.
29:34What would we call the party if they join up together?
29:36The refectory.
29:38LAUGHTER
29:39The refectory.
29:40LAUGHTER
29:41APPLAUSE
29:42I'm just personally enjoying listening to the fact that you guys
29:48don't have it figured out either.
29:50You know?
29:51America's falling apart and it's nice to know that, you know...
29:54We're doing it in a minor key.
29:56Yeah!
29:57LAUGHTER
29:58Our deterioration is done with politeness in the main.
30:00Yes.
30:01Which is, yes.
30:02Keep calm and deteriorate.
30:03Yes!
30:04LAUGHTER
30:05Fingers on buzzers.
30:07Ooh!
30:08Where's my hammer?
30:09Ooh!
30:10There it is.
30:15Yeah, Ian.
30:16This is a story about swearing being good for you.
30:19I'll give you...
30:20Yes, absolutely.
30:21It actually makes you stronger.
30:22Oh, does it?
30:23Do you swear much?
30:24I've never heard you swear.
30:25Oh, all the time.
30:27LAUGHTER
30:29Bother.
30:32The scientists at the University of Kiel in Amsterdam
30:34gave participants a grip strength test.
30:36Yeah.
30:37And they were stronger while repeatedly saying a swear word.
30:41Much to the horror, of course, of the volunteers taking part
30:43in the aggression sensitivity workshop next door.
30:46LAUGHTER
30:47So swearing apparently while you perform a task
30:49makes you happier and more positive.
30:52And it also freezes of self-control and inhibitions
30:55in a similar way to alcohol,
30:57which explains, of course, why I'm happiest,
30:59uh, naked at 2am, opening a jar of fucking pickles.
31:02LAUGHTER
31:06While we're on the subject,
31:07would anyone like to see Brian Blessed,
31:09an early adopter, as we know of this theory,
31:11putting his hand in a bucket of ice?
31:12Yes, please.
31:13Yes.
31:14Here it is.
31:15Can you give me a word that you might use?
31:16Yes, I would say, bollocks, fuck it.
31:18LAUGHTER
31:19Bollocks.
31:20OK.
31:21Whoa.
31:23Bollocks.
31:25Oh, bollocks.
31:27Bollocks.
31:28Is that all I can say?
31:29Bollocks.
31:30Oh, bollocks.
31:33Bollocks!
31:35I see this is happening in a theatre,
31:37but it is a radical interpretation of King Lear.
31:39LAUGHTER
31:41Is that Royal Albert Haw?
31:43Yeah, we always do stuff like that.
31:44I mean, that's classic.
31:45That's classic British entertainment.
31:46Oh, OK.
31:47He sold that out for six months.
31:48LAUGHTER
31:49That's how we celebrate a new monarch coming to the throne.
31:54LAUGHTER
31:55Time now for the odd one-out round.
31:57Just one between you this week,
31:59and it is Anne Boleyn's fingers,
32:02murders in Midsommar,
32:04Elon Musk's progeny,
32:06and penises on the bio-tapestry.
32:08Well, Anne Boleyn was, um,
32:11repeated to have six fingers.
32:13Yes.
32:14She didn't,
32:15but it was made up later by Catholic writers.
32:17I think she was meant to have eleven.
32:19Sorry?
32:20I think she was meant to have eleven.
32:21You're quite right.
32:22We'll take over from here.
32:24LAUGHTER
32:25Finally, some sense.
32:28Yes.
32:29Carry on, you buzzword.
32:31I want to hear you talking about Midsommar Murders
32:33like you've ever heard of it before.
32:35LAUGHTER
32:36With the bio-tapestry, they discovered,
32:38some academic says,
32:39that man has a penis on display.
32:43And everybody else said,
32:44look, come on, it's a scabbard.
32:46He's clearly somewhere to keep his sword.
32:48And he said, no, it's an undiscovered penis.
32:50So there's one more penis on the bio-tapestry.
32:53They're quite a lot, but this is an extra.
32:55So I'm thinking with Anne Boleyn,
32:58I'm thinking the connection is extra numbers...
33:02Extra bits.
33:03Extra bits.
33:04OK.
33:05And Elon Musk has over eight million children.
33:08LAUGHTER
33:10And he gives birth to them by them coming out the back of his neck.
33:13And there you can see one there emerging into the world.
33:16LAUGHTER
33:17He has a disputed number of children, I think.
33:19Yes.
33:20So I would think that three of them are in dispute,
33:23whereas in Midsommar Murders, there is a hell of a lot of murders,
33:26but there's a clear figure.
33:27So it could be Midsommar Murders.
33:29Is exactly the right answer.
33:31APPLAUSE
33:35You're absolutely right.
33:36The total number of all of them is disputed,
33:38apart from murders in Midsommar.
33:40It's witnessed exactly 388 murders,
33:42although the most common cause of death amongst its viewers,
33:45old age.
33:46LAUGHTER
33:47What are some of the more unusual implements used to murder victims?
33:53Someone definitely died with a wheel of cheese involved, I'm sure.
33:56They did, yes.
33:57They were crushed by a truckle of blue cheese.
34:00LAUGHTER
34:01And being submerged in a bowl of hard-boiled eggs.
34:04LAUGHTER
34:05And forgot the safe word.
34:06Yes.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:09One death involved a tumble dryer.
34:11Let's have a look at this.
34:13MUSIC PLAYS
34:14MUSIC PLAYS
34:33There was the whole body in there.
34:34Could have shrunk in the wash first.
34:36LAUGHTER
34:38APPLAUSE
34:41Now, the number of penises embroidered on the bio tapestry.
34:44One medieval scholar, Dr George Garnett,
34:46thought he'd put the matter to bed six long years ago
34:49when he totted up a total of 93 penises.
34:53Five men, 88 horses.
34:56Yeah.
34:57However, his medievalist rival, Dr Christopher Monk,
35:00he's an expert on Anglo-Saxon nudity.
35:03LAUGHTER
35:05That's what he tells the wife.
35:08LAUGHTER
35:09He recently spotted a missed penis,
35:13which has taken the total to a whacking grade 94.
35:16I'm hoping that that is not a penis in the tapestry,
35:19because it looks rather infected.
35:21Yeah.
35:22LAUGHTER
35:23It looks like one of those things you see in fog,
35:25with a red light on the top of it that'll let you know it's there.
35:27LAUGHTER
35:28Penis beacons.
35:29That's it, penis beacons, yeah.
35:31Cock lights.
35:32LAUGHTER
35:33Soggy cock lights.
35:34Yes.
35:35I used to go out with your sister.
35:37LAUGHTER
35:38Professor Garnett, who's written a paper describing 93 penises
35:43he's discovered on the tapestry, said he believed that the original
35:45designer had an obsession with male genitalia.
35:50All right, mate, you're the one counting them.
35:53LAUGHTER
35:54I think this is a common thing that men do, is that they think,
35:58you know, we'd like to see their penises a lot.
36:00They send us all these pictures of them.
36:02Are you suggesting the tapestry is one giant dick pig?
36:05LAUGHTER
36:07What's up with Anne Boleyn's fingers?
36:09Six on one hand, five on the other, said.
36:11Yeah.
36:12But they were trying to make her out to be a witch.
36:14You're right, it was vengeful Catholic historians
36:16trying to sully her reputation after the fact.
36:18Anne Boleyn is rumoured to have had six fingers,
36:20making her the only person who could possibly count
36:23the number of wives Henry had on one hand.
36:26LAUGHTER
36:28Why don't people know how many children Elon Musk has got?
36:31Doesn't he believe that he needs a legion,
36:34he keeps using this word, a legion of children,
36:36in order to repopulate the globe in his own image?
36:39Because only when everyone is like Musk will humanity...
36:44I can't even finish the sentence.
36:46LAUGHTER
36:48He's said to have been offering his sperm to friends.
36:53LAUGHTER
36:55Just a sherry for me.
36:56LAUGHTER
36:58Well, according to one, somebody at the Wall Street Journal,
37:04what did he say to one of his alleged baby mummers, Ashley St Clair?
37:07I saw this but I can't remember what it was.
37:09It was something particularly charmless, I remember that.
37:11You're absolutely right, it was charmless.
37:12He said they need to have ten children together,
37:15adding, we need to reach legion level before the apocalypse,
37:19we're going to need surrogates.
37:22The old romantic.
37:24Yeah.
37:25Time now for the missing words round,
37:27which this week features, as its guest publication,
37:30Openings.
37:32The magazine of the British Blind and Shutter Association.
37:36And we're going to start with...
37:38For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy what?
37:42Just off the M5 motorway.
37:44For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy the sexual...
37:47..advances of Giles Brand...
37:49Oh, no, forget it.
37:52LAUGHTER
37:54Even the thought of it, you can't get through the sentence.
37:56I can't say it.
37:57For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy the sexual favours
38:00of Giles Brandriff just off the M5 motorway.
38:03That's what I was going to say, but obviously I won't say that now.
38:05For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy the latest...
38:08What's that? What happened there?
38:09Deviation.
38:10LAUGHTER
38:15The answer is a murder mystery night
38:17with the British Blind and Shutter Association.
38:19LAUGHTER
38:21Next, disco singer what outside a fish and chip shop in Aberdeen?
38:25Battered.
38:26LAUGHTER
38:29Told he looks like Elon Musk.
38:33Yeah.
38:34Here is Luxembourgish singer Hugo One.
38:36Yes!
38:37He does, the guy on the left, he looks a lot like him.
38:40He does, yeah.
38:41Next, what's mistaken for rubbish and thrown in the bin?
38:45Love Island.
38:46LAUGHTER
38:49Our declaration of independence.
38:52Andy Warhol, Prince.
38:54Do you know what?
38:55Yeah, it's right, it's the sort of story, yeah.
38:57Andy Warhol.
38:58It's the rare portrait of former Dutch Queen Beatrix
39:01before it was taken out with the bins.
39:02According to the star, the town's mayor, Hans van der Paas,
39:05was red-faced.
39:07But it was a Warhol, so there was also one of him.
39:10Blue-faced, yellow-faced and pink-faced.
39:13Next.
39:14The 1988 British Blind and Shutter show in Solihull is remembered for what?
39:19It's remembered for both its opening and its closing.
39:24Hey!
39:25George Whitaker's impression of the Israeli.
39:28Well, if it was in Solihull, it was probably remembered for it being the last time the bins were collected.
39:32But the answer is the torrential rain which turned the car park into a quagmire.
39:39Yeah.
39:40That's news.
39:41Yeah.
39:42It was a bad day for fans of blinds and shutters and it certainly was curtains for the barbecue.
39:48Next.
39:49The 100th birthday of the chocolate digestive was celebrated with what?
39:54A mass dunking.
39:55Tips on how to eat them properly because you're meant to eat the sort of like with the chocolate bit at the bottom
39:59and the plain bit at the top, according to the manufacturers.
40:02I read this recently and it was an abomination to me.
40:04Yeah, I know.
40:05It doesn't make sense.
40:06Did you try it?
40:07No, I wouldn't do that.
40:08Neither would I.
40:09That's akin to Satanism.
40:11It's a biscuit portrait of Sir Trevor MacDonald.
40:17Should be Sir Trevor McVitish.
40:20Next.
40:21Jeremy Vine once walked in a park in Cheam.
40:25Hyperventilated.
40:26Relieved himself.
40:28Effective to the Russians.
40:30Spotted a squirrel looking at him funny.
40:33The actual answer is disguised 20 tins of tomato as nuclear waste.
40:38Can I say that's an enormous waste?
40:42He did it in 1980.
40:44He put radiation stickers on the tins.
40:45The police cordoned off the area, worried that they would go off, which to be fair they probably have by now.
40:51Next.
40:52Night vision camera captures a beaver in Cornwall.
40:55What?
40:56Split in the atom.
40:58A second home.
41:02They're barely there most of the year.
41:05The answer is breaking wind.
41:09Do you want to see the video?
41:10Yeah.
41:11Click there from David Attenborough's new series, Blue Off Planet.
41:18So...
41:20Finally, there's a saying in the shutter community, the bigger your window...
41:25The wider your wall.
41:27The bigger the window, the more likely it's a door.
41:30The bigger the window, the more likely Putin will throw you out.
41:34Well, that's a saying in the shutter community.
41:36It is.
41:38You're all sort of in the right ballpark.
41:39No, we weren't.
41:40The answer is the bigger your louvre need to be.
41:42Yeah, exactly.
41:44And if you are wondering what a louvre shutter is, it's a stroppy French bloke telling you the gallery is closing just as you get to the Mona Lisa.
41:51I'm still wondering what one is.
41:55The louvre.
41:56Oh, I think it's one of those ones...
41:57So, it's fixed blinds and then you have, like, a stick and then...
42:01A stick.
42:02Yeah, and it...
42:03And the fabric goes.
42:05Oh, we of course have a different name in America.
42:07What's it called?
42:08I think it's like a cottage shutter.
42:10No, we don't have that.
42:11That's...
42:12No, we...
42:16That's very different in Arnish.
42:18That's very different.
42:23But you can't go blind.
42:28Final scores.
42:30Oh, we have Ian and Michelle on five.
42:33And Paul and Tom also on five.
42:35It's a dead heat.
42:36Well done.
42:38I'm so nearly won.
42:43On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Michelle Wolfe, and Paul Merton and Tom Peck.
42:47And I leave you with news that at an interactive Only Fools and Horses event, staff carefully position the audience as the actors prepare to perform the famous chandelier scene.
42:57I take modern, visitors are baffled by a new exhibit called simply Fabricant.
43:09And in the Loire Valley, there is a moment of embarrassment for the height-sensitive Emmanuel Macron, as a photographer captures him inspecting the asparagus crops.
43:17LAUGHTER
43:18Good night.
43:19APPLAUSE
43:21Good night.
43:22APPLAUSE
43:231
43:251
43:331
43:341
43:351
43:391
43:421