Taskmaster AU S04E05
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00:00That's a shocking start.
00:04Tom!
00:12Yep, that's it.
00:14Where's Tom?
00:22No!
00:24I hate you.
00:27Let me out of here!
00:30Hello, welcome to Taskmaster.
00:40It's the wordy bit at the beginning of the show where I can say whatever the hell I want
00:45because most of you still haven't unmuted it from the ads yet.
00:48And that's why I'd like to say that I endorse the consumption of breast milk well into teenagehood,
00:53maybe even adulthood.
00:56Let's start the show.
00:57Jogging for my golden head trophy, which previous winners have described as a burden on baggage allowance,
01:03it's Dave Hughes.
01:05Emma Holland.
01:07Emma Holland.
01:09Lisa McKeown.
01:11Takashi Wakasugi.
01:13And Tommy Little.
01:15Hello!
01:17And next to me it's the guy who told me he thinks that him and Duke Nukem would be boys.
01:24It's Tom Cashman.
01:30Let's have a prize task please.
01:32That's right, our first task is a prize task.
01:34Each of our contestants have brought in a prize and the winner of tonight's episode will take home all five of those prizes.
01:39Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in what they consider to be the most frustrating thing to be left on a desert island with.
01:45Alright, Emma, what have you got?
01:47Uh, a train replacement bus.
01:49So train replacement bus, you're on a desert island and there's that.
01:55Yeah, I imagine you're like hungry, like starving, thirsty, angry, like what is going to make that situation even more frustrating is...
02:05Okay, so it could have also just been a bus.
02:10No, but it's replacing the train.
02:12Oh, okay.
02:15But there is no train because you're on a desert island.
02:17Exactly, that's why the bus is there.
02:24Alright, Tommy.
02:25It's my gym membership.
02:29Because I think if all I had was that, I'd not only be trapped on a desert island,
02:33but every week I'd go, well, that's another $21.
02:38So you're just upset at the inefficiency and how it's affecting your budget.
02:42But also, I can't do literally anything with it.
02:45Like I've got a fob that gives me access to over a hundred locations around Australia.
02:52And I'm nowhere near any of it.
02:55Okay, it is pretty frustrating because you could use a replacement bus as shelter.
02:58Or you could also use it as a bus.
03:00I don't even know why we have to use the bus as other things at this point.
03:05Have you tried to get shelter under a fob?
03:07No, but Tommy, Tommy, you could shove that up your arse quite easily.
03:15How dare you think I haven't already?
03:17Uh, Waka, what about you?
03:21I bought a toilet.
03:23Not toilet.
03:24Airplane toilet.
03:26So you crash in a desert island, an airplane, and you find a toilet.
03:31And it is good, you know?
03:32Oh, you can use the toilet.
03:34But, airplane toilet, you have to listen the noise.
03:38Oh.
03:39That's frustration, do you think?
03:49To be honest, the noise hasn't really bothered me.
03:51You particularly don't like the noise.
03:53Too strong, do you think?
03:55But that sound is only cause of the vacuum effect from being at high altitude.
03:59If it's just on a desert island, it'll make no noise at all.
04:01It'll just go like this.
04:02So you don't have to worry.
04:05That's another frustration, because maybe I might miss the noise.
04:12Alright, okay, Dave.
04:14Yes.
04:15My object of frustration is a video camera, which I purchased about 15 years ago,
04:22and I never worked out how to use it, so I thought I'd bring it in,
04:25and, yeah, so that's why it's here.
04:27So...
04:30But you haven't worked out how to use it,
04:32and I reckon the reason why is because you haven't had enough spare time
04:35because you're so busy with your job.
04:36Yeah.
04:37You're on a desert island, you've got all the time in the world,
04:39I reckon you'd have plenty of time to work it out.
04:41Yeah, I know, but...
04:42Which would not be frustrating, it'd be satisfying.
04:44Yeah, but I wouldn't have electricity, so...
04:46It's got a battery.
04:51Yeah, but I would have forgotten to charge it before I came to the island.
04:54So, Lisa, what would you be frustrated at being left on a desert island with?
04:59A book with very, very small print.
05:03I now need glasses to read books,
05:05and I figured without my glasses I'd have a book, I'd have time,
05:09and I wouldn't be able to read it.
05:10That's very frustrating.
05:12Really frustrating.
05:13See, what I'm seeing is 150 pages of kindling.
05:16Yeah.
05:17Yeah.
05:18Or toilet paper.
05:19Lisa, I don't want to ask too personal questions,
05:21but wouldn't you just go in the water?
05:23I know.
05:24That's all the time.
05:25You know, like if you're fishing there and you see your floater go...
05:28I mean, there's so many issues with that.
05:30Yeah, but also, if someone rocks up and they find treasure island pages covered in shit,
05:35that's not a great walk either.
05:36But you're not going to leave it lying around.
05:38You'd bury it.
05:39Where are you going to put it?
05:40It's where the treasure comes in.
05:41All right, well, I'd better hand out some scores.
05:46Well, I think one has to go to Emma straight away,
05:50because you've got a whole replacement bus on the island.
05:52You can drive it, as Tommy pointed out, or you can sort of sleep in it.
05:55Then I'm going to say two points to Waka for the toilet,
05:58because, again, it can still be useful,
05:59and he's not going to be annoyed by that noise.
06:01Then I go three points to Lisa,
06:04because it's very frustrating not to be able to read the book,
06:07but still the pages can have other uses.
06:09A flat video camera is very useless.
06:11Four points to Husey,
06:12but a plastic tag that can't be used for anything at all,
06:15extremely frustrating.
06:16So five points to Tommy Little!
06:22OK, Tomber, frustrate me with a recorded task, please.
06:27This next task I didn't like at the start, but then I did like it,
06:29but then I didn't like it again at the end.
06:45So scared always.
06:47Hi, Tom.
06:48Hi, Mum.
06:49Oh, it's so nice in here.
06:51What's this?
06:52It's a ball.
06:53A yellow ball.
06:56Can I open the tusks?
06:58Yes, please.
06:59All right.
07:02Stress out, Tom.
07:04You have seven minutes.
07:06Your time starts now.
07:18Is that stressful?
07:19Kind of.
07:20No, I think you're too heavy.
07:29I think we're going to have to start whacking your ears.
07:32This is what we need.
07:33Oh, you've got a pocket knife.
07:35Now, the lake is in front of you.
07:36So you just go slow.
07:37Yep, that's it.
07:46Together.
07:48You're not stressed.
07:49I'm not sure exactly how I feel.
07:51How long do I have?
07:52Three minutes and ten minutes remaining.
07:53All right, go for a run.
07:54Go for a run.
07:55Go for a run.
07:56Thomas!
08:02Oh!
08:03I have one more plan.
08:04Okay.
08:05I'm holding.
08:06Mm-hmm.
08:07Do you trust me?
08:08Um, kind of.
08:09On the count of five.
08:10One, two.
08:11Ooh!
08:12It's quite substantial.
08:13You ready?
08:14No.
08:15What?
08:16Okay, and...
08:17Oh, my goodness.
08:18So that was the idea.
08:19This is like GTA 4.
08:20Okay, ready?
08:21I'm stressed now.
08:22You're stressed?
08:23And also, I run out my ideas.
08:24Okay.
08:25So...
08:26Oh, my goodness.
08:27Oh, my goodness.
08:28So that was the idea.
08:29This is like GTA 4.
08:30Okay, ready?
08:31I'm stressed now.
08:32You're stressed?
08:33And also, I run out my ideas.
08:34Okay.
08:35So...
08:36I run out my ideas.
08:37Okay.
08:38So, we just keep doing.
08:40Okay.
08:4136 seconds.
08:42I'm gonna key your car.
08:43It's not my car.
08:44It's a higher car.
08:45I'm gonna key the higher car.
08:46Oh, no.
08:50Are you okay?
08:51I'm okay.
08:52I went from tickling to waterboarding.
08:54Are you feeling at all stressed?
08:56Kind of confused.
08:57Okay, drive again.
09:00Hello.
09:01Time's up.
09:02Oh, God.
09:03Oh, don't do that.
09:04Relax, Tom.
09:05Tom's heart rate is being measured.
09:06Biggest difference between stress and relax, Tom wins.
09:19You have seven minutes.
09:21Your time starts now.
09:23Okay, so Tommy, I thought the job was to stress him out, not to arouse him.
09:35I think tickling is the most stressful, because you can't hit the person because it's seen as a joyous activity.
09:42Yeah.
09:43And so you're laughing, but you're actually choking to get air in.
09:46And when I then moved to waterboarding, I noticed, Cashman, you were actually a lot more comfortable,
09:53because you knew where my hands were, and they were out of tickling distance.
09:57When I started getting waterboarded, my heart rate was 69 BPM, and by the end, 61.
10:08Tommy's tickling got me to 104 BPM.
10:11Oh!
10:12All right, so Lisa, you were thinking it was going to stress him out if he had to drive without being able to see where he could go.
10:18Yeah, originally I wanted to be on the roof, but I wasn't allowed on the roof, because I thought if that would add danger,
10:23and that was a little bit too much for my safety.
10:26My peak heart rate during Lisa's was when you were arguing with the director.
10:30Are you serious?
10:33Lisa was adamant that she'd get on the roof.
10:36And the director and a producer were trying to say, no, during that kind of tension of not knowing what's got,
10:43my heart rate got to 100 BPM.
10:45Emma, you just, it was like you were trying to incite fight or flight, you just chased him.
10:51Yeah, it was such a natural instinct on my part.
10:54You gave me an opportunity to chase him with a baseball bat and I took it.
10:58Well, what did it do to your BPM?
11:00Emma got me to 140 BPM.
11:02So Dave got me to 85 BPM.
11:09Lisa got me to 100.
11:10Tommy got me to 104.
11:11Waka got me to 105.
11:13And Emma got me to 140 BPM.
11:19Okay, time for a quick update here.
11:21We're not going to do much other than tickle lesser Tom.
11:24Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:40It's our halfway point of the season.
11:42That's right.
11:43And our contestants have just been trying to stress me out.
11:45Little did they know my heartbeat was being measured and now they have to try to relax me.
11:48Biggest drop in my heart rate wins.
11:50Let's see how much they can lower it.
11:52Our contestants face the ultimate challenge, trying to get me to relax.
11:56I think we need to get you lying down.
11:58Okay.
11:59Bo, do you want to jump over and take a seat here?
12:00Okay.
12:01Please lay down.
12:03Oh, thank you.
12:04You just relax in the sunshine.
12:07We work some stuff out with your hair and that's, that's, you know what the thing about that, it's fixable Tom.
12:11Mmm.
12:12But what I'm saying, I really want to get that nose hair down.
12:17You walk in to the rental car office, calm knowing that the car is fine.
12:21No, it's okay.
12:22I'm not going to.
12:23I promise I'm not.
12:24Just lose.
12:25Sorry about that.
12:26About what?
12:27Makes you stress.
12:28Oh.
12:29Now you're free.
12:30I know that this might increase your heart rate and it's poor but maybe I'm going to do it.
12:35I can feel it.
12:36A woman speaks to you at the front desk.
12:37She hands you over a fully working iPad to rate your experience.
12:39There's no apps on there except the one you need.
12:40No apps.
12:41Do you want apps on there?
12:42Yeah.
12:43There is Temple Run on the iPad.
12:44I'll be someone else.
12:45Hang on.
12:46Oh yeah.
12:47Hang on.
12:48Hang on.
12:49Hello.
12:50Who's it?
12:51Oh who's that?
12:52Um.
12:53Lady.
12:54Fingers.
12:55Is it the first time I'm here big boy?
12:56Yes it is.
12:57Raindrops.
12:58Beautiful.
12:59You've got lovely skin Tom.
13:00Oh thank you.
13:01It's very nice.
13:02You're relaxed isn't it?
13:03Uh.
13:04Oh.
13:05It's a bit tickly.
13:06You're so sensitive.
13:07On the count of five.
13:08Oh.
13:09That's not good for that.
13:10Is it?
13:11Oh.
13:12Oh.
13:13Oh.
13:14Oh.
13:15Oh.
13:16Oh.
13:17Oh.
13:18Oh.
13:19Oh.
13:20Oh.
13:21Oh.
13:22Oh.
13:23Oh.
13:24Oh.
13:25Oh.
13:26Oh.
13:27Oh.
13:28Oh.
13:31You said your heart was racing, because you've just been waterboarded and tickled.
13:37So let's just forcibly slow that down.
13:40Are you feeling a little bit relaxed like?
13:43I think I'm a bit uncomfortable.
13:45Oh no.
13:46That's no good.
13:47No.
13:48Oh no.
13:49I can see your heart beat.
13:50You think?
13:51It's hard to see you and the sun's kind of directly in my eyes.
13:53Let's stir a second.
13:54Oh sorry about that.
13:55That's actually quite helpful.
13:57Oh, all right. Don't move. Don't move.
13:59You move. OK.
14:00You look so serious again.
14:02We need to work on your personal grooming.
14:06It's too late for me. Yeah.
14:08My horse has bolted.
14:09And, you know, I give happy endings,
14:11and there's nothing more happy than...
14:13A little tickle! A little tickle!
14:15A little tickle! A little tickle!
14:17Is that it? Mm-hmm.
14:19Shall I snap?
14:20It's quite an uncomfortable position, actually.
14:23Well, you could have told me that.
14:25APPLAUSE
14:30I felt like a lot of you started well
14:32and then you sabotaged yourselves a little bit.
14:34Like, Waka, you were getting less of time to be very relaxed.
14:38Yeah.
14:39But then you started to massage him and it kind of made it worse.
14:41Massage is good, relax, but...
14:43It just...
14:44You called me sensitive.
14:45I think the correct word is traumatised.
14:49So, Hughes, you used that well-known relaxing technique
14:52of holding pliers very close to someone's face.
14:55LAUGHTER
14:56Yeah, I lost focus on the task at hand
14:59and was more focused on making you a better person.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02And I really gripped hard on those nose hairs and they came out
15:05and it was satisfying for me.
15:07Was it satisfying for you?
15:08Satisfying?
15:09Yeah.
15:10But when you...
15:11We all know, when you pull a nose hair out, it hurts and your eyes water,
15:14but afterwards there's a...
15:17I felt the first two.
15:18LAUGHTER
15:19So, Emma, what was your approach?
15:21I think it was like a meditation.
15:23It was a meditation but also a bit of a role play.
15:25Oh, I'd prefer if you didn't call it that.
15:28LAUGHTER
15:30Well, actually, I think you hit upon something
15:32that was very effective that no-one else thought up.
15:35You left him alone.
15:37That's right, I did.
15:38I think I asked you at one point,
15:40would it be better if I left and you said yes?
15:42OK, well, I feel like we need to find out your heart rate.
15:45That's right, and I'm going to give you the difference
15:47between the stress and the relaxed times.
15:50Dave's reduction was 19 BPM.
15:52Unsurprising, seeing he just kept pulling hairs out of my head.
15:55LAUGHTER
15:56Tommy, aka Ladyfingers, got my heart rate down 29 BPM.
16:00Lisa reduced it 31 with her unsettling massage.
16:03Waka's reduction was 41 BPM,
16:05but Emma, with her genius method of just leaving me be,
16:08reduced it 63 beats per minute.
16:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:14So, that means one point goes to Dave,
16:16two to Tommy, three to Lisa, four to Waka,
16:18but Emma wins the task with five points.
16:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:21I'll also give you an idea of the episode scores.
16:25It's incredibly tight,
16:26but Tommy is in the lead with seven points.
16:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:30And what about our series score
16:32as we near the halfway point of our season?
16:35Well, we've got Dave and Lisa at the back
16:37on 54 points apiece,
16:39but Emma is in the lead with 73 points at the moment.
16:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:43OK, give us another one, Schnooky Bear.
16:47We're going back to a time when puberty was all the rage.
16:50We're going back to a time when puberty was all the rage.
16:51MUSIC
17:00Hi, Tom.
17:04Hi, Lisa.
17:05It's a iPod here.
17:06It's a bit old iPod.
17:07Ooh, iPod.
17:08I'm familiar with what's in front of me.
17:10This is the piece of technology which lied to us more than anything else in history.
17:20It claimed to have something called anti-skip technology,
17:23and it did not work.
17:24And you had to sit if you're on public transport,
17:27and you yourself had to be the gyroscope.
17:30I have two questions to ask you.
17:32What was your favourite slang word when you were 13?
17:35Grouse.
17:36Probably cool.
17:37Chillax.
17:38Was a...
17:39KY.
17:40It means you cannot read air.
17:43What was your favourite musical genre when you were 13 years old?
17:46Music theatre and spandau ballet.
17:48Simon and Garfunkel.
17:49Folk rock.
17:50Hip hop.
17:51Rock and roll.
17:52Indie rock.
17:53New metal in Linkin Park.
17:54Don't do this to me.
17:55Yeah, OK.
17:57Yep.
17:58Write a song for your 13-year-old self.
18:03Your song must incorporate your just-stated slang word.
18:07Musical genre.
18:08Song that reveals most about your 13-year-old self wins.
18:13You have 45 minutes.
18:15Your time starts now.
18:17What were you like when you were 13?
18:19That was kind of like discovering boys.
18:21I was the school captain.
18:23Now I think about it, I may have been a narcissist.
18:27I was pimply and awkward and greasy.
18:30Every night my mum would give me bud, which never failed to improve my mood.
18:36Drummer standard can be anything.
18:38Just the most lowest.
18:40Drums are the worst instrument.
18:41Yeah.
18:42Are you aware that the Taskmaster plays drums?
18:44Tom Grayson?
18:45Yeah.
18:46Sorry about that.
18:54So, we've got to get to the bottom of a waka.
18:57K-Y.
18:58K means kuki.
18:59Kuki means air.
19:00And then Y is yomenai means cannot read.
19:03Cannot read air or situation.
19:05So, like, can't read the room?
19:07Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:08So, someone just walks into a room, pisses everyone off.
19:10Yeah.
19:11I believe he's K-Y.
19:12So, like Josh Thomas?
19:18Maybe.
19:19Well, I just wanted to help people at home understand.
19:22I love that he's not here and he's still your least favourite.
19:27Alright, it's always exciting to see if we've got any musical talent amongst our bunch.
19:31Any early hints, Lesser Tom?
19:33Um, I couldn't possibly say.
19:35First up, we're going back to 2008, singing about what's up in the genre of nu metal.
19:40It's Emma Holland.
19:41Wait, I don't want to watch this.
19:49I was 13 in 2008, and my parents enrolled me in an equestrian course.
19:54I didn't really like it, and every girl there eventually got kicked by a horse.
19:58Not me, though.
19:59I wore crops to school every day, and I never washed them and they smelled bad.
20:04So, I put spray deodorant in the soles and I thought that made me really rad.
20:09I had blue streaks in my hair.
20:12Global warming made me scared.
20:14I had not hit puberty.
20:17America did not vote for Mitt Romney.
20:202008, what a year.
20:22The Olympics were in Beijing.
20:24So, I'd like to say what's up to those involved in the anti-doping operational stings.
20:292008, what a year.
20:31The Olympics were in Beijing.
20:34And I was too dead inside to watch them, but I'm sure the results were really thrilling.
20:39What's up?
20:40I truly believe there is nothing worse in this world than being cringe, and I include domestic terrorism in that.
20:56That was the hardest moment of my life.
21:01So, just to be clear, as talented as you seem to be musically, it doesn't really matter.
21:09What we're looking for is who reveals the most about their 13-year-old self.
21:13Most revealed about your 13-year-old self wins.
21:16So, we're kind of actually looking for revelations.
21:18Just first up, 2008, Mitt Romney didn't win because he wasn't on the ticket.
21:22I know.
21:23I know.
21:24I know.
21:25It was Barack Obama versus John McCain.
21:26So, that wasn't really a revelation.
21:27I know.
21:28That was a distortion of the truth.
21:29I realized ten minutes after I recorded it, and I knew you'd bring it up, and I was going
21:32to prepare something to say, and I didn't.
21:35Yeah, a bit like Mitt Romney in the debate.
21:38I need to know more about this.
21:40Every girl I know was kicked by a horse.
21:42Yeah.
21:43Every girl I knew at horse riding got kicked at some point.
21:46So, what were they?
21:47Were they supposed to walk close to the horse when you walked behind it?
21:49Yeah, and I think they were just being bitches, so...
21:51So, everyone you knew got kicked by a horse and deserved it?
21:58Yeah.
21:59Alright, so whose sing-song are we getting next?
22:02This next fella is about to go acapella, singing about KY in the style of indie rock.
22:07It's Takashi Wakasugi.
22:09Yeah.
22:10Yeah.
22:11Yeah.
22:12Yeah.
22:13Yeah.
22:14Yeah.
22:15Yeah.
22:16Yeah.
22:17Yeah.
22:18Yeah.
22:19Yeah.
22:20Yeah.
22:21Yeah.
22:22Yeah.
22:23Yeah.
22:24Yeah.
22:25Yeah.
22:26Yeah.
22:27Yeah.
22:28Yeah.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Yeah.
22:31Yeah.
22:32Yeah.
22:33The music is playing a ball.
22:34Yeah, yeah.
22:36Yeah.
22:37Yeah.
22:38Yeah, yeah.
22:39I didn't quite have tried to grow.
22:41But you changed, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
22:42This world is bigger than you think, ooh, ooh.
22:47It's a secret.
22:52You are the KY, you are the KY, you are the KY.
22:55You are the KY, you are the KY, you will know.
23:08So drums, they're not so easy, are they?
23:10I'm so sorry about that. I respect you now more than anything.
23:13I'm very bad at music.
23:17But that was a good song, do you think?
23:19Oh yeah, you definitely got the KY bit in.
23:22Can I ask, do they have KY lube in Japan?
23:26No.
23:28Oh well, it's off Hughesy's holiday list.
23:35Okay, so you certainly mentioned KY, you were being a bit KY deliberately,
23:39but I didn't really reveal that much.
23:41Not heaps.
23:42Alright, time for an ad break.
23:43Now don't spend the whole time going on about how great you are
23:46and how good you would have been at the task.
23:47There's no need to be all KY about it.
23:49See you soon.
23:52Hello, welcome back to the show where we've been having a good old-fashioned sing-along.
24:08That's right, dude.
24:09Um, sorry.
24:11Our contestants have been singing songs that reveal the most about their 13-year-old selves.
24:15So far we've learnt that Emma has an equine background and Waka was 13 once.
24:20Next up, in the style of the band Spandau Ballet, from when it was cool to be cool, here's Lisa McKeown.
24:27Chasing butterflies and watching clouds go by.
24:41Even though I had a stye, I noticed you.
24:58It was in an outdoor air that day, when I looked at you that way, and you sent me off my head, and this is what I said.
25:17Hold my hand, please.
25:22No need to be a tease.
25:27I'm a fool who's trying to be cool.
25:33Hold my hand, please.
25:38I'll be right back.
25:47Chasing butterflies.
25:49It's a beautiful image of a young Lisa McKeown, I felt.
25:51I had a really simple lovely, you know, teenage years. It was really lovely.
25:57When did you smoke your first cigarette?
25:59Fifteen.
26:00Oh, and was that the same for having a drink?
26:02Oh, I think I probably was about nine.
26:04But like, only because you could have...
26:06Put that in the sauce!
26:08But also kids, you want to be successful, start drinking at nine!
26:13Not a can of beer or glass, but just a sip, you know, something, you know.
26:17Did you ever get in a scrag fire?
26:19No, no, I didn't. But there used to be...
26:21My house was opposite the park where all the fights were,
26:23so I used to take the injured back to my place,
26:25to the laundry and clean them up.
26:27And she drove them back when she was 11.
26:32But I must admit, you know, I would like to thank you,
26:34because you've got a background in musical theatre,
26:35so it's just good to relax while watching your clip,
26:39because compared to the others, it was bloody beautiful.
26:42Thanks, Tom.
26:43OK, so let's hear another tune.
26:45Get ready to un-relax, everyone.
26:49Singing about grouse in the style of folk rock is Dave Hughes.
26:54I lived in a humble house
27:04That I didn't think was grouse
27:08My dad said it was the best place on earth
27:13But I didn't know the worth
27:17Every night my mum always made me put
27:20It would never fail to improve my mood
27:25She'd send me the shots with ciggies and pads
27:29I'd come back with jubes and fads
27:34The crickets wanted to be the hero
27:39But I always end up going out for zero
27:43Walking off head quack like a duck
27:46I realised I shouldn't have given a f**k
27:51Cause now I know the duck was golden
27:57And I know the house was grouse
28:01The house was grouse
28:04How does it feel to watch that?
28:25Yeah, I'm really proud of that work
28:27He leaned over to me as it was starting and went
28:30I got this
28:35Well, to be fair
28:36It's got nothing to do with musical quality
28:38It's just about how much you reveal
28:39And in your comedy
28:40You're constantly revealing so many truths
28:43Intimate truths about yourself
28:44So I feel like this was right up your alley
28:46It was right up my alley
28:47And I grew up in a humble house
28:49Which I didn't think was grouse
28:50But then eventually I realised
28:52It was grouse
28:54And I'm gonna cry
28:56So was there a story in there?
28:58Sorry, because I tuned out a bit in the middle
29:00How would you describe the mud the pud put you in?
29:05It was a good mud
29:08Okay, so I mean it revealed heaps
29:12Which is great
29:13And grouse got a mention
29:14I mean it's a pretty good result
29:15Yeah
29:16Okay, in case someone's still watching
29:18Do we have another?
29:21Having a chillax in the genre of hip-hop music
29:24It's Tommy Little
29:25I'm a greasy kid
29:33Greasy kid
29:34I'm a greasy kid
29:35Greasy kid
29:36Greasy kid
29:37I'm a greasy kid
29:38Just a greasy kid
29:39I'm a greasy kid
29:40Pimples on my face and braces in their face
29:44Hair was greasy so school wasn't easy
29:46So school wasn't easy
29:47I'm 13 with no control of my cock
29:49And next year I'm getting dreadlocked
29:52Sex
29:53Well I've had none
29:54But that doesn't mean that I haven't
29:56Because in my pants is where I climaxed
29:59Everybody said, yo, chillax
30:01Sitting on the bus and you're all alone or all by yourself
30:05Except for your boner
30:07I'm a greasy kid
30:08I'm a greasy kid
30:09I'm a greasy kid
30:10I'm a greasy kid
30:11I'm a greasy kid
30:12I'm a greasy kid
30:13And guess what
30:16I'm you
30:18And you're me
30:20And I'm out
30:22And I'm out.
30:32Tommy, I feel like you poured a lot of self-loathing into that.
30:36Yeah.
30:37I really thought at the end of that, when I did it live, I'm like,
30:40that was pretty good.
30:42Well, I must say, though, it was good to see you being back on brand again
30:45with the lyrics, sitting on a bus and you're all aloner,
30:48all by yourself except for your boner.
30:50I mean...
30:51It's the Tommy we've come to know and love.
30:56I feel like you actually revealed a lot, though.
30:57I was pretty pleased with that.
30:59It was a lot of revelation.
31:00I guess I've got to give out some scores.
31:01Yes.
31:02This is being...
31:02Husey really wants to know.
31:05All right, it was, again, music doesn't really matter.
31:08So I'm going to give...
31:08Well, it would have been nice if...
31:09Yep.
31:12I agree, it would have been nice if people at home were entertained.
31:16But I...
31:17I mean, it would have been helpful just for our careers generally.
31:21Yep.
31:23So I'm going to give one to Waka,
31:24because I didn't really learn much at all.
31:25Okay.
31:26Two to Lisa McKeown.
31:27We did learn that she used to like chasing butterflies.
31:30Three points to Tommy Little,
31:31because we learned he was a greasy kid
31:33and a few other awkward bits and pieces.
31:35We learned heaps about Emma.
31:37Four points to Emma.
31:37But the most we learned about
31:39in what was arguably the worst song
31:41was Husey with Five Puts.
31:49Okay, time now for an ad break.
31:51Go and have a quick pud.
31:53You never know, it might improve your mood.
31:54Thanks, sir.
31:56APPLAUSE
31:57Welcome back to Taskmaster,
32:10where our comedians are playing for an airplane toilet,
32:13and if they're lucky enough,
32:14the right to never hear Dave Hughes sing again.
32:17LAUGHTER
32:17Find a way to segue to another task, please, Lesser Tom.
32:20Um, here's a task that if you had a segue,
32:24you could use it to ride to the shops.
32:26LAUGHTER
32:27And buy some mugs,
32:29which is crazy, because this task is about mugs.
32:32LAUGHTER
32:33MUSIC PLAYS
32:34Tom Tom.
32:49How are you?
32:49I'm well.
32:51Five...
32:52something...
32:53four...
32:54three...
32:55two...
32:57one...
32:58LAUGHTER
32:59Ooh, gavel.
33:05LAUGHTER
33:06Sticky.
33:07LAUGHTER
33:08Get the mugs into the bath at the top of the path.
33:13You may only take 75 steps.
33:16You must be on the path the whole time.
33:18Most unbroken mugs gotten into the bath wins.
33:23You have 13 minutes.
33:25Your time starts now.
33:27APPLAUSE
33:28OK, sounds kind of simple.
33:33Yep.
33:33They've just got to get the mugs into the bath.
33:35Most mugs into the bath.
33:37Only unbroken mugs count.
33:38OK, I reckon we just get into some mugs in baths then.
33:41First up, he's got World's Greatest Dad written on a mug
33:44and World's Greatest Mug written on his dad.
33:45It's Dave Hughes.
33:46LAUGHTER
33:47Oh, God.
33:48That's two steps.
34:17That's two, yep.
34:18How far do you reckon I've gone?
34:20Hmm.
34:21LAUGHTER
34:21That's not a good...
34:30I reckon.
34:32Cheap as that.
34:33What?
34:34I've lost almost all of them already.
34:36Mm.
34:37And I've gone...
34:38four metres maybe.
34:40I don't need this anymore, I've just realised.
34:41LAUGHTER
34:42That's a shocking start.
34:44LAUGHTER
34:46I may tear one of my short hamstrings.
34:53It's easy, man.
34:56Oh, God.
34:57I can just go like this, can't I?
34:59Let's put them in there.
35:00That's right.
35:00Seven.
35:06Never give up.
35:08OK.
35:09APPLAUSE
35:10Husey, if that task was a song, it would sound like the song you just did before.
35:20LAUGHTER
35:21Yeah, but I won that task, so maybe I'll win this one.
35:25LAUGHTER
35:26Within a minute, Dave had broken 71% of the mug.
35:29LAUGHTER
35:30Yeah, I feel like it was a shit effort, followed by a shit quote, which would be put on the
35:35side of a shit mug.
35:36LAUGHTER
35:37One thing you did nail is counting the mugs.
35:39Husey transported seven mugs successfully to the bar.
35:42Thank you, thank you.
35:42Thank you, thank you.
35:45All right, who's next?
35:46Next, leading us down the garden path is Lisa and Tommy.
35:49Oh, yes!
35:54Ah.
35:55Oh.
35:56It's so easy, bro.
35:58I'm just going to tape them to myself, Tom.
35:59Oh, OK.
36:00Yeah.
36:00This is good.
36:08Whoa.
36:11This is really good, bro.
36:13You know how you do some stuff and you're not that proud?
36:15Hmm.
36:15This is not one of them.
36:20Go on.
36:21Eight minutes and 14 seconds.
36:23I'm going to have to leave this behind.
36:24It's time to start getting really serious.
36:27OK, you ready?
36:29Oh.
36:30Three.
36:34Four.
36:35Five.
36:36Yep.
36:44Oh.
36:47Oh, she's breaking up.
36:55I'm the smartest man I've ever heard.
36:57Gently, gently, gently.
36:58Oh, my God.
37:04How do you feel?
37:05Like a genius?
37:06I've done something wrong, haven't I?
37:08Like what?
37:09Like, I don't know.
37:11It's the paranoia setting in.
37:12Oh, clever.
37:14So, Lisa, you did a great job carrying all those cups and mugs.
37:23Is that because as an actor you've had to do a lot of hospo?
37:25No.
37:27I avoided that mostly, which is good.
37:29But, um, no.
37:30Yeah, take that, other actors.
37:33But I'm happy.
37:34I was really happy with the outcome of my mugs.
37:36But hang on.
37:37You used the mat that you were standing on.
37:39I mean, is that legal?
37:40What?
37:40Dave, don't, that's so unfair.
37:43First of all, I'd like to stay in your way in your f***ing snitch.
37:47Thanks, Tommy.
37:49Snitchy-poo's back.
37:50Oh, mate, it's snitchy-purg.
37:52Is it legal?
37:53Using the map was in accordance with the task.
37:56It was also legal.
37:57But thank you.
37:57Yeah, so, I mean, I feel like that's not the first time you've had to strap stuff to yourself.
38:06You were so quick to do it, I feel like you've done it before.
38:09Yeah.
38:09I used to take pints from pubs.
38:11Like, if we were leaving the pub to go to another pub, I used to put a full pint in my pocket.
38:16You could go out without spilling beer all down your jeans.
38:19Yeah.
38:20Yeah.
38:20I should explain it to you, Husey, because you don't drink.
38:22By that stage, after you've had a few drinks, you don't give a s*** anymore.
38:26If anything, the beer washes the p*** away.
38:34Right, so give us the stats.
38:37It's perhaps a bit of a testament to the confidence gap between the genders.
38:39Tommy, the smartest man alive, little, got 29 mugs, successfully in the bath.
38:44Lisa, I've done something wrong, haven't I, McCune, got 30 out of 30.
38:49There it is.
38:51Okay, on the topic of mugs and breaks, keep yours fixed on the telly as we take one.
38:55We'll be back shortly.
38:56Hello.
39:08Welcome back to the televisual show formerly known as Taskmaster, which is still known
39:14as Taskmaster.
39:16That's right.
39:17Currently, our contestants are trying to get as many unbroken mugs into the bath along
39:20the garden path.
39:21The final two mugging for the camera are Emma and Waka.
39:24And I can use any of these.
39:27If you like.
39:28I need a tape.
39:29And I don't know what's that one.
39:32This is one step.
39:37What is this?
39:40Tom's mug.
39:40I'll take the steps so you don't have to.
39:45What?
39:46So you can carry my mugs to the bath?
39:49If you ask me in the right way.
39:51I'm worried if I use any of that, something bad's going to happen.
39:57I won't ask you to help.
39:59You won't?
40:00No.
40:00Okay.
40:01With this face, you lying.
40:02I just, I don't trust this system.
40:08These are going to be heavy.
40:10Wait, wait, wait.
40:12I can use this.
40:14Like, I just put mugs here and they walk together.
40:20Okay, where do I start from?
40:21Here?
40:22You've already started.
40:22I've already started?
40:23Yeah.
40:23From where?
40:25Where you at?
40:25Like, including up there and back?
40:27Yep.
40:28Tom!
40:29How many do I have left?
40:31You've taken 23 steps.
40:32There's no way.
40:45There's a bath there?
40:47You've got 12 steps left.
40:48Where's the bath?
40:49Five steps remaining.
40:51I'm not going to make it.
40:54Two more.
40:56It's impossible.
40:57One step left.
41:00Now what?
41:01You've got six minutes and ten seconds.
41:03To do what?
41:0424 seconds.
41:07I'm so annoyed because this seemed like such a good technique and I've come all this way.
41:10There's just nothing I can really do, is there?
41:13Tom, can you carry the cup to the bath, please?
41:18Oh, please?
41:18Okay.
41:19I'll do it.
41:19Ten seconds.
41:20Please.
41:20Please.
41:21Please.
41:22Be careful.
41:23Be careful.
41:24Kindly.
41:25Gently.
41:31You did.
41:33I should trust your poster.
41:35This has made me so sad.
41:38I could have made it, I reckon.
41:40That's...
41:40Ah!
41:41You're a great person.
41:43I should trust.
41:46Bye, Thomas.
41:47Thanks, Emma.
41:47I can't believe I'm saying this, but Husey's was not the worst.
42:07That's unbelievable.
42:08I mean, this is fascinating.
42:10Really, it all came down to trust.
42:11So, you were the only two to pull up the banner, but also both of you made the mistake of just not pulling the poster up all the way so you could read the part at the bottom.
42:19I just saw his face.
42:20I don't want to, you know.
42:21Okay.
42:22But then when you did ask him to help, you were just polite.
42:25Yeah.
42:25And that was just luck.
42:26Because there's no steps there, so I can't do anything and I just ask him.
42:30Yeah, so are you saying that when you got to the end of your steps and you had nothing to lose, you thought you might as well just ask?
42:37Yeah.
42:37Whereas Emma, what the f***?
42:39Emma stood there for the whole six minutes.
42:47I'm watching that back and I'm like, oh, that poor girl is really, really stupid.
42:53Okay, so it all just comes down to the number of mugs.
42:57That's right.
42:57Waka managed 11 mugs due to his last minute politeness.
43:01Emma, like the world's shittiest dad, zero mugs.
43:03That means Emma gets one point, Dave gets two, Waka gets three, Tommy gets four, but Lisa wins the task with five points.
43:10Five, that's all right.
43:11In terms of scores for the episode, it's a tight one with Waka at the bottom on 10 points.
43:17Tommy, only four ahead in the lead currently on 14 points.
43:24Okay, take those mugs and the rest of your persons up onto the stage for the final task of the show.
43:29All right, teams are back, so we've got the aged team and the better team.
43:39Who's reading the task, Cashboy?
43:40The team of three, aka the better team.
43:42Ride for exactly 111 metres while sketching a sketchy sketch.
43:48One of your teammates must be riding, all others must be sketching.
43:53You may only sketch whilst pedals are in motion.
43:56Closest to 111 metres road wins.
44:00However, if your sketch is deemed least sketchy, your difference from 111 metres will be doubled.
44:07You have 180 seconds.
44:09You're going to decide something to draw?
44:11Wait, wait, wait.
44:15Okay, A team, who will be riding the bike?
44:17I will ride the bike.
44:19B team, who will be riding the bike?
44:20Si, senor.
44:21Fantastic.
44:22Your time starts now.
44:24Can you actually, like, sometimes you might have to go a little bit slower today.
44:28Are you guys ready?
44:28Yep.
44:29One, oh, two.
44:31Are you safe?
44:31Yep.
44:32That is...
44:33Go a little bit slower.
44:35Can you slow down a little bit?
44:36I'm going as slow as I can.
44:38Yeah.
44:38Oh my God, okay.
44:40How many spins has it done?
44:41I've lost count and I didn't know what it was meant to be anyway.
44:43We're going way over, man.
44:45You're spinning pretty hard there.
44:47Maybe you focus on your spinning, bro.
44:50You've got to keep moving.
44:51You've got to keep moving.
44:52I am!
44:53Disqualify them!
44:54Shut up!
44:55Two minutes left.
44:56Oh, Scheichenhausen.
44:58Keep riding, Dave.
44:58Way over, man.
44:59What do you mean I'm way over?
45:00You're way over.
45:00Have you seen how slow I'm riding?
45:02Dave, I don't think you're even interested in the hell that I'm going through here.
45:06You haven't asked me once.
45:08You know, you've got this.
45:10You won four gold loaded for a reason.
45:12For a little bit.
45:13This is just so shit.
45:15Hang on, he's spinning like a top.
45:16I thought I needed some more mileage.
45:18Keep going, mate.
45:19There's someone chasing you.
45:2230 seconds.
45:23Can you slow down?
45:24Can you slow down?
45:25Do you have time to slow down?
45:25I'm not moving.
45:27He's not moving.
45:28I'm just trying to...
45:31Come on, Lisa.
45:32Four, three, three, one.
45:35Oh, my God.
45:36Yes!
45:38Oh, my God.
45:41We won.
45:43All right, just when a few cyclists have looked at the TV and thought,
45:47finally, someone's taking us seriously,
45:49we'll be back to look at the portraits after the break.
45:58Welcome back to Taskmaster.
46:07What's going on, Cashman?
46:08Our contestants have just done a live task
46:10where our teams sent someone for a ride on a bike
46:12of exactly 111 metres,
46:14and whilst they did so,
46:15the rest of their team sketched a sketchy sketch
46:17on a canvas attached to the back of the bike's wheel.
46:20Simple stuff.
46:21Before I reveal the distances
46:22and how close they got to 111 metres,
46:24you need to judge whose sketch was the sketchiest.
46:27Can we see the sketches?
46:29All right.
46:30That's the better team.
46:31B team, better team.
46:32In this case, may not be better.
46:33It's upside down.
46:34Oh.
46:37Really?
46:38It feels like...
46:38It looks pretty symmetric in both axes.
46:41No, it's upside down.
46:42Really?
46:43I think that will be the end of what you say about it.
46:45You're silencing a woman.
46:46Yes.
46:49I'm thinking maybe it's a record player.
46:52Let's see the next sketch.
46:55Oh, dear.
46:56OK.
46:57It says down the bottom where's Lance.
46:59I'm guessing Lance Armstrong.
47:01Maybe it's a tour de France.
47:02I feel like the inspiration was right in front of Lisa,
47:04which was the bike.
47:05So I think there are bicycles all over there.
47:07Oh, my God.
47:08And Lance Armstrong was very sketchy.
47:10Out of the two of them,
47:11Yes.
47:11I think Lance Armstrong is far more sketchy.
47:13Oh, my God.
47:16The A team said they were sketching Lance Armstrong injecting steroids whilst riding a bike.
47:22OK.
47:22The B team said they were going to draw the earth holding a knife.
47:26Do you?
47:29The eyes.
47:31It has like a sketchy look.
47:32That's like a smile and two eyes.
47:34And then he's got a little arm with the knife coming in.
47:36OK.
47:36He's really upset about global warming.
47:39OK.
47:40So what scores do we allocate?
47:41Well, it came down to who had the sketchiest drawing.
47:45So Dave and Lisa rode 76 metres.
47:48That's 35 metres short of 111, which was your target.
47:52The B team rode 175.2 metres.
47:57That's 64 metres over 111.
48:00Yes.
48:00But then after the doubling, you were 128 metres away.
48:05Not bad.
48:07So the A team wins.
48:08Yeah!
48:09Great job.
48:13OK.
48:14So to allocate points, I think I'll go 5-5, 2-2-2.
48:17OK.
48:20OK.
48:21And who is our winner of the episode?
48:23Waka was in last place with 12 points.
48:25And we had Emma with 13.
48:26Tommy with 16.
48:27Dave with 17.
48:28But Lisa wins the episode with 18 points.
48:30Oh, really?
48:31I am so genuinely shocked.
48:33I'm genuinely shocked.
48:34Congrats, Lisa.
48:35Get up on stage and claim your frustrating desert eyes.
48:39What a start.
48:41Well then, what have we learned?
48:42Husey taught us he had a grouse house.
48:45And right now, Tom's learning that it's tickled dice!
48:48See you next week, come on!
48:56So why don't you shake it all about for us?
49:14You suck and I hate your outfit.
49:17No!
49:20Let's go!
49:22I can't believe I'm saying this, but watching two 53-year-olds do Gangnam Style was the least awkward bit.